DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: The Bachelor ::

The ladies head south to Ft. Lauderdale, which Arie says is very “sexy” and “cool”.  Um. I mean…… No. Those are not the two words I would use to describe Ft. Lauderdale? Or what we often referred to in our younger years as Frat Lauderdale where people would rent kegs for frat weekends and people flock to get on nasty cruise ships.  I mean, I don’t want to sound like LuAnn debating “West Palm” versus “Palm Beach” when you are pretending that Ft. Lauderdale is Miami or something, but let’s be realistic here.

Chelsea, single mother who was the “arie-stealer” weeks 1 and 2 gets the first one on one date for a yacht day.

So….. just a side note before I continue : I started doing voice notes recordings (hashtag nerd alert) when watching certain shows so that I don’t have to keep typing and can actually watch, and I wish I could put my actual voice in here because here is how this next recording went:
“So, I wonder how much money the producers gave Chelsea to OHHHHHH MY GOD IS THAT A FULL SIDE BOD TAT?!?!”  He has like, a HUGE side bod tat that they only showed for .2 seconds before suddenly he had a life jacket on covering his dad bod and later there is something else they have never showed before unless I am blind.  FOR REAL!? Ughhhh. NO ARIE.  NO. It’s like a sunshine medallion looking thing too! I thought we never saw his bod because he has a dad bod but perhaps there are two reasons.

Anyways, before I spit my food out from seeing the tat, I was trying to make fun of the fact that Chelsea says that she is on a dream boat with a dream boat.  Please.  No.  And I’m praying the producers literally wrote that out and made you say it.

Chelsea tells a sob story about her husband/baby daddy.  He promised her the world and then suddenly when their son was a newborn she was kicked to the curb for a newer, shinier lady.  But her story kinda focuses on him being rich and giving her everything???

Do I feel sorry for mom Chelsea? or does she sound like someone who wasn’t looking for the love for the #RightReasons ? Sounds like because a guy had money she jumped right in?  Do i feel bad that he cheated and up and left?  Or am I remembering that she was the villian week 1 and 2 before Krazy Krystal came out to play and production chose to focus on just one? and do I remember that she is leaving her son for 6 weeks to be on a show? not sure…. just playing devils advocate here….

She gets the rose.  She seems nice enough but don’t they always until they aren’t?

The group date is at the bowling alley, and luckily my husband walked in as the Big Lebowski music played because I was about to freak out that Arie licked the bowling ball until he reminded me that he was just re-enacting part of the movie

(Fun fact: he looked at me differently when we were dating for weeks after he made me we watched that movie together and I said it was one of the worst movies I had ever seen….. apparently it’s like every mans favorite movie ever? Thank GAWD he still thought I was absolutely hilarious and forgave me.  But no really…. it’s a sore spot for him that I hated it.)
They break into two teams for a bowling comp to win time with Arie that night.  Krazy Krystal is of course on the winning team and acts like it’s literally The Hunger Games or something and this is just THE most important thing to ever happen.
Krystal is overjoyed and acting like she just ate some pasta with the Vanderpump kids high on life when Arie drops the ball that everyone can stay for the nighttime date because he feels bad.  Mic. Drop. If looks could kill. (and seriously STOP with the hair/head flicks Krystal!) 
I don’t know if there is a model example of someone with Resting Betch Face, but Krystal really is the model example of the Psycho smile sh*t eating grin.  There is some serious crazy behind those eyes.

We normally never get to see anything between the day date and night date, but tonight we learn that on the bus ride home, Krystal’s had a sh*t fit.  Krystal apparently went on a tirade about Arie being a liar and that he goes back on his word and can’t be trusted or something.  (um. it’s bowling.  and it’s the bachelor.) And we get to see the ladies prepping for the date and discussing it while Krystal changes into a white robe and says she won’t be joining the date.  AND that her bags are packed (lies. we all know her leaving is a pile of lies).  She says that the ladies can tell Arie she isn’t there because “he was disrespectful… to the ladies of Team Blue. Arie set an intention of….. we were there to compete……..and he didn’t ask if it was okay….. Something I look for in a partner is to make decisions together…..”

The ladies go downstairs for the evening date and I’m a little ticked that they were like “No we’re not all here! Krystal’s missing!” because it truly would have been HIGH-larious to see how long it took him to notice.  There were a gazillion of them – something tells me, it wouldn’t have been for a VERY long time.  Way to ruin the fun Baby Bekah.  Show your age and let us have some fun this is not the time to be mature!!!!

Krazy Krystal is a MASTER at her craft (psychosis?) because the moment Arie finds out, he goes straight upstairs.  They have this roundabout conversation where if someone had just walked in you would think something ACTUALLY went down other than bowling and everyone being invited.

After Arie returns to the rest of the girls, Krystal then appears fully dressed on the date.  She sits and starts on her schpeal again “my feelings were really hurt today…..” What??? She basically gets told to get the eff upstairs and I am actually SHOCKED that she went back upstairs.

Tia gets the other One on One date, which they make as hicked-out as possible in case we didn’t know that she is from Arkansas, and all I need to say is: Did Tia forget her pants for this evening part of the date?! Girl, that better be a romper but either way…. the fact that I have to question it, DAMN that thing is short. She tells him she is falling in love with him, so Tia will make it to Fantasy Suite week FOR SURE.

Finally…. the Rose Ceremony…. where WE KNOW Krystal stays until next week because the bachelor aired a promo for next week’s episode with her in it 45 minutes into the show.  THANKS A LOT. SOME OF US DEVOTE TWO HOURS TO THIS EVERY WEEK AND THEN FAR MORE WRITING BS RECAPS ON IT.  THROW US A BONE ABC!

The girls ask Krystal why she locked herself in her room all day : “Yesterday, I wasn’t hiding in my room.  I was investing in myself and growing from….. the struggle…… and discovery.” WHAT????   Bekah just can’t let it go and it’s like STOP TALKING ABOUT IT BEKAH.  YOU’RE PULLING A SCHEANA. Just drop it and move on!

Taxidermy lover girl gets SO much air time this episode because of her discussions with Krystal and I’m just wondering WHY she is still there.  She asks him during her alone time before the Rose Ceremony in her game of “100 Questions” if he would eat a human because of course she would. And he just makes out with her basically as his response?!

Back to Krazy….. she is so annoyed that the girls have nothing better to do but talk about her.  She tells the camera “I’m done. (open hand drop motion) . That was Glitter.  Glitter I’m done.”  Seriously…. is THIS GIRL on pasta too? What is going on?

She steals Arie away for some alone time to chat.  She says that the reason she got so upset was she grew up in a bowling alley…….she “forgives Arie” for what I’m not sure, because nothing happened, and then stuff about her mom choosing men at the bowling alley? Huh? I don’t know.  I mean….. there’s more BS but who knows. I honestly am loving this episode because I never thought it was possible that this much crap could come from inviting the losing team to the evening date.

Krystal is happy that Arie got to see all of her sides “fun, passionate, sad, emotional, futuristic” Yes…. futuristic.
(I. CAN’T.)
because of course that’s what was going on and she just now mentions it…..
She is taking over for Annalease who had the traumatic experience with bumper cars on the car smashing date and then a traumatic experience with dogs on the puppy date.

It ends with the signature villian-of-the-season-move with her sniffing her rose with Krazy Eyes poking out the top.  It takes a certain type to become a body builder….. and I would say Tamra from OC is right up there with the crazy bethces…..

I mean good for her…. and I know from Legally Blonde that endorphins make you happy, so happy people shouldn’t be crazy…..
but not eating carbs can lead a woman do some some seriously insane things……

WHY ARE THERE STILL 50 PEOPLE THERE?!? LET’S GET ON WITH IT ABC!!!

:: Summer House :: 

I just love Summer House.  It makes me wish I had moved to NYC after college instead of Chicago JUST so that I could have spent weekends in the Hamptons (as if I ever could have afforded to get dibs on the pantry in this house but still…..)
New boy Amit is “self employed” – what does this mean?  It doesn’t even say “entrepreneur” ? Later they say he just travels and stays on peoples couches? I need more details….. loving and wise readers who know so much and send me ALL the deets….. please tell me more……

We learn that Lauren and Carl made out after the Pride Parade the Sunday before.  LAUREN! Seriously!  All of America will pay for your sister to fly in and out every week so that you can CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO CARL.  Anyone is better than Carl!

Danielle, the girl who used to date Carl back in the day, learns that they made out and when they are having a vineyard picnic (seriously can I move to the Hamptons?) she flat our calls Lauren out on it.  I would definitely label it as “confrontational” and certainly not the way to make girlfriends in the house.  Bad move Danielle… I think you will regret this.  And come on, rule #1 of Summer House is not always No Relationships.  In this Summer House, Rule #1 is DO NOT PISS OF A WERKIS TWIN.

I want Kyle + Amanda to make it because they’re so cute together….. but really it’s just because I just love Kyle. His tiny commentary just makes me smile always, like the 4th of July cheers “To being independent…. but…. also being in committed relationships.”

Speaking of committed relationships, last summer and last year, Lindsay was dating Ev-Rett. (to be read in her voice of EV-RETT!) He is till on her mind because the 4th of July is the day that Everett came back from Afghanistan.  She can’t help but think of him.  He was her person.

Lock it up Lindsay….. the two of you together were THE WORST.

She decides to go after Amit to prove how “over it” she really is and make out with him for the night.

When Lauren learns that Carl just “took in a delivery” of 3 girls (ahem: another example of why I love Kyle) from last weekend’s Polo Match, she says she “always considered herself to be the cool girl who is easy going…..”
Um.  I’m team Werkus, but not really.  Not really at all…..

Stephen is always good for the one liners as well.  “They really do flock to alcohol like people flock to food at an all you can eat buffet…….”

And as the drinks keep flowing we see a cake disappear from the kitchen and LAUREN. WERKUS.  shoves the cake in Carl’s face and says “here best friend” and kisses him.  The more amazing thing was her trying to the move one of the flirtatious girls out of the way with her foot by basically kicking her to the side.
When will it end with these two!?

Most important question of this week’s episode : Where were they storing all of these beverages and mixers? Where was all of the food? Are there multiple garage fridges? I saw the baby pool filled with beer, and then I know they have a big main ktichen fridge, but there was a lot of booze being consumed.  When you see multiple bottle of Fireball EMPTY before the sun has gone down, there is more booze present than you can wrap your head around.  Please, party experts, tell me your tricks.  

:: RHOBH :: 

Before getting into this weeks episode, I keep seeing rumors circling  about Tom + Erica separating.  It’s been going on for awhile, but I have always ignored them and now there seem to be more….. I hope they aren’t true?!

We kick it off with a commercial for 50 Shades of Grey narrated by Kyle and Mauricio. This is insane.  These Bravo movie promos have really gone too far.  Love you Kyle…. but don’t need to hear you telling Mauricio you’d like him to be more like Mr. Grey.  Gracias.

It’s PEE-KAY’s 50th birthday!!!! How excited are we!!!!!????
Dorit explains to us minions that the responsible amount of money for a party is between a Range Rover and Rolly Royce. Oh hahaha (rich people fake laugh) you are so clever Dorit! Simply hilarious.

Of course PEE-KAY’s birthday has to have a performance by the one and only Boy George Dorit.  It’s the Dorit show always – even if the birthday “is not about her.”  She thinks “WHAT A GIFT TO BE ABLE TO GIVE HIM” for him to be able to see her perform.

Ah, yes.  Such a gift.

Erika and Mikey help choreograph standing there and signing and I love seeing the flashback of Mikey working with Gretchen (of Gretchen Christine Beau-tay.)

The night of the party arrives and almost every Housewife rolls to the boat because they cannot walk down the plank in their heels.  Love these gems the producers leave in for us.

How did Kyle’s husband get on the boat? Did he really uber copter in?
It just makes me happy because Dorit is like (to be read in her fake british accent: “WE ARE SO IMPORTANT WE HAVE TO TAKE A LIMO TO A HELICOPTER TO A BOAT JUST TO GET THERE” and Maurico is like “sounds good I’ll to the same after work see ya there….”)

OMG.
DORIT’S.
BOOBS.
IN.
THIS.
DRESS.

You are lucky I am even discussing other things right now. 
It’s all I want to to discuss.
I am going to find a way to make a gif of her sitting at this dinner table because I cannot for the life of me find one!!!! 
SITTING AT THIS DINNER TABLE.  SHOVING THEM IN HER BROTHER IN LAWS FACE.
Why does she keep wearing these strapless boob traps?! STRAPLESS IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
I thought we couldn’t get worse than her Vegas Boob Ensembles, but this takes the cake.

She “performs” with Boy George (and her ” this is for you BAY-BAY” was particularly fake British’d up, even for her) and of course to her “she nailed it”. What else would she have said?

The only thing missing from this dramatic Grammy winning performance is her Oscar winning performance of seeing JAGGAH and PHEE-NIX walk on the boat as she screams MY BAY-BEEEEE’S as though she has been being held hostage for month and hasn’t seen them.

It ends with the ladies on the border of the boat discussing how calm and grounded Dorit  was for once, and meanwhile INSIDE she is calling Teddi a psycho. Twice. It all stems from the wine versus champagne glass and Dorit once again thinking she has “manners”.  Riiiiiiight.  It’s really Teddi just sitting there and Dorit getting herself all riled up and furious.  LVP just HAS to step in for commentary and Kyle for once stands on the other side with Teddi!
And then ends with “I’m not going to get over it if you keep acting like a psycho bitch.”

Dorit’s arguments make no sense.  First of all, Teddi didn’t bring it up. And then Dorit is saying that Teddi is too high strung when good God it’s A GLASS and SHE is the one freaking out about it.

I’m looking forward to this beach house overnight stay at Teddi’s (next week I think?) because it seems like it’s going to be an absolute nightmare.  I mean…. the wrong wine glass – which was delivered by a bartender, NOT by Teddi – has caused psycho bitch allegations…. so there’s that……

editors note : Based off how badly Dorit criticized the magazine photographer for BH Mag, I’d love to hear her thoughts on this photo…. 

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

Brittany’s mom (and sister) have been flown in by Kristin so that Kristin can pretend to have a story line this season so they can talk some sense into Brittany.

Somehow we are still discussing Rob and the cheating make-out (but y’all…. ROB DOESN’T EVEN LIKE TO KISS, remember!?) Scheana is the only one still talking about Rob, and I believe Katie that it’s done, because I think everyone is sick of talking about Scheana.

The gang all gets together for Peter’s Birthday (if Jax is 37 how old is Peter??….) Why does Peter associate with these people? He seems to actually be a nice person without a heart of ice.

editors note: I was literally trying on a red jumpsuit when Brittany’s mom walks into the party in a red jumpsuit that was oddly similar to it (don’t worry mine was far cuter than this).  although below it looks pink……

And It is now being swiftly returned as I check my reflection
to ensure I am not wearing Barbie Glitter Pink Lipstick too.
AND THEN Kristin is in a Red Jumpsuit on WWHL….. ahhhh. They’ve ruined it for me.

Scheana and Katie are arguing despite Lala trying to mend fences, and in true Pump style, things really escalate.

Scheana says Katie is the fakest person and Schwartz comes out of nowhere saying that Scheana is the fakest person in the building – just look at her nails, her selfies, she’s like a bootleg Kardashian- and I must say, I enjoy this-mid-level-of-intoxication-Tom.  Well played, Tom.

Lala breaks it up by screaming at everyone about feminism and women getting along….. and then probably dropped some eff bombs or comments about her “kitty cat” doing things we don’t need to hear about.
I know I say this every week, but I just think Lala is so pretty…. my goodness her mouth is as filthy as it gets, but the girl is gorgeous.

James is playing tennis with Lala the day after the party and accidentally says “Logans my babe.  Logans my girlfriend…..” and says it’s because Lala was confusing him.  Meanwhile, across town, Brittanys sister shares with the group that Logan told her at the party that he and James are sleeping together.
While James denies any truth to this, all of his friends are commenting that they firmly believe it.  Ruh roh.

He gets Logan to admit that he said it but he was lying and it seemed like a completely orchestrated phone call so I’m just not so sure……

Jax and Brittany’s mom go to dinner and everything involving the conversation is so uncomfortable.  She’s just calmly asking for cheating details and it’s so strange. But everything’s fine, because Shelly just loves Jax! Does this woman have any brain cells anywhere in there? Shelly thinks all is ok and they should stay together because Jax says he’s “a terrible person and doesn’t like himself” Not even a little. UM yeah. He’s horrible…. so that is why you think she should give him a second chance? Because even HE thinks he’s a terrible person?  When even HE is saying he’s awful you TELL YOUR DAUGHTER TO RUN.
direct quote: “Jax I have saw a lot of good things in you. I don’t give up on you.”
I can’t.

:: Celeb Big Brother ::

The cast has been released a for the first season of Celebrity Big Brother and some I am excited about, but most I am not.  I am still super excited for the show though.  I am  cannot believe freaking Brandi Glanville is on ANOTHER reality show.  This is insane.  Show starts Wednesday, set your DVR’s! (I can tell this will be nothing like regular BB, the greatest show on earth, but hopefully it will be enjoyable)

:: David Foster + Katherine McPhee ::

These two still creep me out.  He is 35 YEARS OLDER THAN HER! More than twice her age!
{insert Big Daddy Gif of Old Skin and Loose B@ll$, GROSSSSS}
So awful!!!!!
Apparently it’s a full blown real thing for sure.  Woof.

This picture above is old, from Idol times, but it really shows the age well, dontyathink?!

:: Dane Cook + 19 yo GF ::
Apparently this is a thing….. because 45 year old Dane Cook has been dating a 19 year old for one year. People! Seriously!

:: Mazel of the Week ::

To Danielle Staub on her 20th Engagement
…… this is clearly sarcastic for those who don’t know me just yet…..

and Teresa is going to be a bridesmaid…… how wonderful!!!

:: Jackhole of The Week ::
Katherine Heigl is joining Suits.
Whaaaaaaatttt ???

I feel like this is an immense error.  Big Mistake.  Huge.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE