DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: UnReal ::
Before even getting to The Bachelor recap, I saw the trailer for the new season of UnReal during Married at First Sight last night!! YEASSSS.

Especially since The Bachelor In Paradise “shut down” mayhem, and a bunch of other things, this show seems more and more “real” and unbelievable to me.  It’s sooo good.

:: The Bachelor ::

This week was really the Krazy Krystal show, but I’ll take it, because we all know that once the villian goes home the show becomes a giant yawn fest.  Krystal somehowwwww has led herself to believe she is the only person dating him? It’s like she thinks the other girls are all NUTS for even being there.

The ladies left The Bachelor Mansion and flew to  to Lake Tahoe – which looks insanely gorgeous.

Siene gets the first one on one, and I want to say  RUN GIRL – you are Yale educated and too good for this man! I mean……. I’m choosing to like Arie,  but there’s no pretending that he can carry on a convo with a Yale educated lady. Let’s not kid ourselves. editors note : But I hope he’s having at least a few good conversations on dates that we just aren’t hearing, because so far his conversational skills are majorly lacking.  Krystal of course thinks Siene won’t be returning home, because she somehow thinks her raspy baby voice is literally magic that will make everyone else disappear despite the fact that it is the premise of the show.

The group date is a survival date with some Surival Dude Mike Hawke that I have seen before but can’t place and it’s making me crazy – it was obviously another reality show because Lord knows I do not watch any wilderness or educational nonsense, even when my husband has it blasting in the living room.

But really, someone help a lady out, because I am amazing at placing people but can’t figure out what show, and also know he is not Bear Grylls, because Bear does fall under reality TV with celebs thankyaverymuch.

What a miserable date! This peeing in the woods, hiking in the cold whilst trying to look cute (they are NOT wearing enough layers for this), all to get to a hot tub filled with 10 other women?  Although, as Tia and Caroline point out, hopefully you’re BFF with someone at this point and can just treat the whole thing as fun vacation together before attempting to soar to instagram famedom.

I really don’t understand why he is so into this taxidermy girl….. you let go of my girl Bibiana for Kendall!? UHhhhHHmmmMMM NO.

Krazy Krystal, Tia, and Caroline got to hike to the “secret location” hot tub with Arie, and are awaiting the other girls arrival.  Krystal is all shmoozy with Arie, so Tia and Caroline sarcastically – and perfectly – mock the whole thing and joke that it’s fine because they can touch each other too and  the two of them get to sleep together every night.  It was a perfect REAL moment of how this show all works, and Arie seemed to be genuinely laughing.  Welp…. Krystal is having nothing to do with it.  I fall hard for Caroline and Tia in this hot tub moment, (and have fully forgiven Tia for the Raven association).

Krystal says that they are juvenile and desperate.  Her commentary on every single girl there is that they are desperate to spend time with Arie, filled with BS, and that she hopes he can see straight through it, when in reality it seems like Krystal is the most desperate person there.  You can tell they are all trying so hard to be well mannered about her when really they are all ready to BLOW.

She attempts to scold Tia and Caroline by pulling them aside and they basically (respectfully) laugh in her face.  Tia getting the Rose on the date and watching Krystal have to smile behind that fake grin was a glorious moment.

Krystal says many-a-dig on this group date :

“The other girls are not prepared for what Arie wants.  They’re living in a false reality.”
“I’m not sure what I’m going to say to Arie tonight, but I know it’ll be perfect.”

“They don’t have the sense of self identity that I have.”

“These girls don’t know who they are.”  Really? Because you don’t even know how to form a sentence? It takes you like an hour to get a sentence out!

editors note : Remember how amazing it was when Jake Pavelka picked the Villian of the season? Can we have that happen again please!?

Baby Bekah gets her one on one date. (How did I not know I was spelling her name wrong this whole time? OH because every girl on the Bachelor has 97 ways of spelling their names, however, I should know to automatically go with the K’s and the abnormal spellings…. shame on me for thinking it was Becca….shame on me….)

But I digress….  BeKAH is finally forced to reveal her age of the big 2-2 and he does seem genuinely shocked that there is a 14 year age difference.  (although…. come on – the most you could have been thinking is what? 24? 25? There’s no way he thought she was a day over 25! so it’s like, just how young IS okay?)  They DO seem to have a strong connection, so he doesn’t want to kick her off yet (I mean….as much of a strong connection as this Bach one-on-one knowing each other for a few hours and making out can allow.)

He asks if she’s ever dated someone older or his age and she says she’s casually dated older men in their 30’s.  What? WHEN? When you were 20?! 19?! Like WHEN could that have been going on!? (watched more of show…..) Oh…. apparently her whole family gets married at 19-21 so perhaps this is not that abnormal of a thing in her family?

Arie asks for no cocktail party for the rose ceremony, but of course Krazy Krystal has to steal him away for some last minute commentary.  Who’s the one that is juvenile/insecrure/deserpate now Krsytal!?

He sends beautiful, gorgeous, funny Caroline home at the rose ceremony and keeps Krystal.  UGH.  But glad she’s around for longer……

During the credits, we see some girl drama between the gorgeous contouring expert and the mom-mini-villian involing “Glam Shaming” and I am cracking up.  This is the drama we want to see ABC!! Take note!!!

:: Summer House :: 

I just love this show so much.  Their house this year is even more amazing.  It’s GORGEOUS.
I am VERY happy Kyle is back and I am VERY annoyed that Carl is back.  Carl makes me crazy. He is that typical NYC Frat Boy that thinks he is SO HOT and SO COOL and SO EVERYTHING and I really just want to tell him that if he wasn’t on this TV show no one would be paying attention to him.

Night one for dinner – which looks AMAZING and is made by Stephen – Carl acts like a drunken buffoon and storms off during dinner.  (And makes more of an ass of himself later by taking Stephen’s first gay pride moment and making it all about Carl.)

There’s a fight about who gets what room, and Kyle is rightfully annoyed, but I love that every reason Lauren gives for why she should get the huge master is the opposite of what she said last season when her sister was there.  Touché Kyle.  But never mess with w Wirkus.

The best part is that after all of the room arguments, here is what happens night one to the two girls who have the master bedroom:
Lauren sleeps out at a boys house, and Lindsay sleeps on the porch sitting up.
HA!!! And they have her waking up like “where am I” on camera.  It’s gold.
They didn’t show us all of the drinking that must have gone on because no one seemed drunk enough to be sleeping on the porch except for perhaps Carl?!

This show makes me yearn for my old liver, because they can throw back this wine like bottomless pits.  It’s truly incredible.

Thoughts on the new people?! (one new girl, a former ex of Carl’s, and one new guy, attractive but not real sure where he came from, but I think also a friend of Carl’s? WOOF) They seem too tame for me which is strike one and they seem too closely tied to carl which is strike 2 through 17.

:: RHOBH :: 

Dorit wants to go test drive $3 million dollar cars for PEEE-KAY’s birthday, because OF COURSE she does.  I don’t use the word “thirsty” because  A) I’m too old for that sheyite and B) not sure I fully understand it’s proper use BUT, this is a perfect example of Dorit being as thirsty as humanly possible.  PUH-Lease. You’re going to just “surprise” him with a $3 million dollar purchase? You are fooling no one.

She says that the owner of the store, Brett, and PEE-KAY have been friends for a long time and I’m just thinking “Welp, Brett looks about 30 years old so I have no idea how on earth he owns this place NOR how they could have been friends for very long.”

ALSO, are these automatic cars? Because I know nothing about cars but I do know that a man who spends millions on cars and can’t even drive stick shift is….. well…. to put it kindly, EXACTLY like PEEE-KAY.

ALSO – where is Boy George!? If he isn’t at this 50th birthday party for PEEE-KAY next week I call foul.
update : he’s there next week……….

Teddy is having a beauty and massage day at her house because she figures that caring about ones appearance is one thing that they all have in common.  Very true.  Dorit arrives early, as Teddy had asked, so they could discuss the “54 minutes late debate”.  And, oh, sweet wig for a MASSAGE PARTY Dorit.
I CANNOT.

Exhibit 8742 why Dorit makes me insane: this wine glass thing.  She repeatedly makes a scene about her wine being put into the wrong glass.  I can’t with her.  Dorit…… it’s classy to KNOW what drink goes in what class, it is in extremely poor taste to keep commenting on it in someone else’s home that is hosting you and giving you the drink.  And lecturing about it.  ENOUGH.

In the end, Dorit won’t take responsibiliy for ANYTHING really, but the one part that is great is when she says nothing in return about Teddy being for sure right about the time because it is her job.  SHE IS AN ACCOUNTABILITY COACH.  YOU. ARE. WRONG.  Why can’t she just say “I got the time wrong?” and be done with it? Teddy will allow that lie, even though you for sure were just showing up when you felt like it.   Later, when more of the ladies arrive,  Dorit is so annoyed it hasn’t been dropped, but SHE is the one that WON’T STOP DISCUSSING IT.

LVP is mad that Rinna brought up Ken and his lawsuit.  Apparently there have a been a bunch of other lawsuits in the past, this is just the first one involving Ken being aggressive towards a female at a dog company they were wanting to merge with….

I love how everyones like “Ken could never!”
REALLY? Pretty sure in light of recent events we all know any man could.
Just because a man wants to clone Giggy you think he could never?

Side note : I love Kyle, but her style sometimes is just too much.  She looks ridiculous in her too fancy jammies. wearing tons of bling all over the place.  Just the jammies, fine, but not 10 pounds of zillipons of jewelry with it????

:: Vanderpump Rules ::

These people make me want to rip by eyelashes and eyebrows out of my face and be okay with it.  Yet I can never stop.  Jax is back on the “all about me” train (though, is he ever off?) and he can’t believe people aren’t asking him how HE is doing after the break up with Brittany.

The guys go to see some hippie-dippie-LA-lady to balance their shockra’s? (or something California like that) and Jax basically just wants to sleep with the girl.  As in, he totally is trying to plant the seed to get into this girls pants right then and there.  Brittany is like “I’m so happy you connected with her and it brought out emotion!”

Scheana should stop using “he doesn’t even like to kiss, he doesn’t even make out with me!” as a cheating defense proving that her boyfriend Rob didn’t cheat?  There’s just something wrong here.

And again, watching all of this play out when we know the outcome is another very uncomfortable season for Scheana (who professes her love for him and their amazing friendship on instagram every week before the episode airs to try to make it seem like her “I can get married in July” comments are validated, because they’re still best friends so that doesn’t make her a Stage 5 Clinger?
LVP tries to let her know that it’s okay if the relationship doesn’t work out and she’s like WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER – IT’S THE HAPPIEST I’VE EVER BEEN – I KNOW I SAID THESE EXACT WORDS ABOUT SHAY BUT I MEAN ITTTTTT.

Lisa calmly tells her to eat some damn french fries and a croissant sandwich and SNAP OUT OF IT.

She also needs to stop saying “I lost my smile” and “I got my smile back.”
it’s making me want to vomit

Sandoval walks up to her later that day when she’s had a french fry and is all happy again Rob :
Sandoval : “Hey, happy Pride.”
Scheana: “I GOT MY SMILE BACK.”

WE GET IT.

James and Lala get into a big fight after he decides to drink 12-20 drinks within 5 minutes of arriving to lunch (but don’t worry – he kept us updated – his sobriety and keeping everything in control is going great!) .

The fight stems over pasta on See-You-Next-Tuesday DJ night.
You see…. Raquel offered some Pasta to Lala, who then ate like all of her pasta.
James. Cannot. Handle. It.  He’s shouting “don’t mess with my woman, I’m going to come for your fat man, he’ll be onto the next blonde” and just goes INSANE. (but he’s in control of his booze, y’all – not to worry).

When she finally storms out, and BFF Logan says he needs to go after her, all he can manage to do is yell on the street IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA over and over again.
editors note : scenes like this are why I can’t walk away – it’s just SO GOOD. 

** UPDATE : SOMEONE JUST MESSAGED ME ON INSTAGRAM AND TOLD ME THAT PASTA IS THE CODE WORD FOR COCAINE WHILE SHOOTING! 
HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS MUST MEAN SOMETHING ELSE!??!!! AM I A MORON!!?? THIS SCENE MAKES SOOOOOOO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW!!

James and Logan this episode…..wow….. it’s a real doozy.

Their relationship unfolds before our eyes, like…… really unfolds….
They are telling each other they love each other, Logan is saying he is IN love with James and he says that James in IN love with him, theres smooches on cheeks and whispers….

and Raquel, who has never seemed like the brightest bulb, has a lightbulb go off somewhere inside that pretty head of hers and she looks VERY concerned.

LVP says she would box James ears “and he’s got some ears to box” and I don’t know why but the mean dig really caught me off gaurd and I laughed reallllll hard at it.

Next week, Brittanys mom arrives! Dun dun dunnnnnn

spoiler alert: she’ll probably pretend like she is “lecturing” Jax but really she’s more desperate for Brittany to stay with him than anyone……all she has said so far is “relationships are hard”.  Ah yes, what every one says to their daughter after her scumbag boyfriend cheats on her.  Her mom seems to make worse decisions regarding men than Brittany. I didn’t think it could get worse than Jax! 

:: Disqualification over Botox in Beauty Pageant :: 

12 Camels were DQ’d in a beauty contest for using botox and filler.  Real story. 

I don’t know why but I loved this.

:: Jackhole of The Week :: 
Teresa Giudice took her 13 year old daughter to see a convicted pedophile’s rap concert.
Yep.  I don’t even need to comment I’ll just let you read all about it here.

:: Mazel of the Week ::
I don’t know how, but we never discussed Lu’s arrest. So I want to honor her, and her now possibility of facing jail time, with a mazel.  Last season of RHONY was one for the record books.  It was so incredible amazing….

and I think the Countess D’Agastino just wants to make sure we have enough material to last us another amazing season.
So thank you Lu.  You do you.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE