TheSarcasticBlonde, Author at The Sarcastic Blonde

:: vegas baby ::

March 19, 2015

I’m heading off to Vegas this afternoon for a weekend getaway.

{add me to your prayer list…. just kidding…. kinda……}

there is so much TV I have missed this week that it’s embarrassing.

I can’t wait to get started on Southern Charm – the previews alone make it seem like Catherine is back to her old ways, sleeping with everyone at the dinner table, and I’m looking forward to Witney sitting in his mothers room while she acts like a total freak day in and day out.

Vanderpump Rules reunion was very blah. I’m mad at myself for having that be one of the things I saw this week.

Ummmmm Dancing With The Stars is back and I cannot believe how good Rumer Willis danced and I really cannot believe how annoyed with myself I’m going to be if I start to cheer for Rumer Willis. What is wrong with me!? But seriously she was so good. Also, I am fully a 50 year old housewife with how much I LOVE THAT SHOW. I get so giddy and laugh way too loudly at Tom Bergeron’s jokes.

(Erin Andrews already showed nothing has changed and she is HORRIBLE at her job and cannot interview people to save her life in my opinion, which is clearly the same opinion everyone has because it’s the right one….. I thought we were booting her for Leah Remini?! Come on ABC!)

pps. THE MODEL’S BOOBS. I kept yelling to Kip “seriously look how big those things are! how does she even walk! this is fascinating!”

RHOBH : um. Brandi with the ~~teenage~~ twenty something boy in Amsterdam. I can’t even. There are no words to describe her level of trash. SO GROSS. like….. you’re on a girls trip in a foreign country and you sleep with a stranger while yolanda hosts the final dinner??? the number of sexual partners that chick has had must be MIND BOGGLING and HORRIFYING.

KUWTK : um. bruce. his lips. his face…… the same can be said for the 17 year old daughter. khloe’s house looks amazing. the family is still the strangest group of people to ever live and I will never understand any of it. kris jenner has a cookbook ? like….. what? why? just stop. next up the family made famous from a sex tape will be selling crosses and chastity belts.

The Blacklist : so many episodes with kip this week. we love it.

well…. we love it and then he just yells at the TV about how unrealistic something is and then I yell at him “ITS A TV SHOW!!! QUIT RUINING IT!!! GAHHHHH.” ah love 🙂

I know what you’re thinking “I thought you said you didn’t get to watch shows this week?”.

in my opinion I really didn’t because there are about 10 episodes of things (you know its more than 10 and so do I) on my DVR calling my name.

packing for vegas has required far too many brain cells than I care to admit.

it’s difficult to walk the fine line between stripper and classy grandma lady.

sometimes people can judge you based on your lucite heels alone, ya know what I mean? they don’t realize its just because they make your legs look miles long.

beauty queens wear them too, people! not just strippers!

just kidding i swear I draw the line at lucite heels. but I DO think it would be awesome if they were acceptable. our legs would look banging ladies. we should do something about this…….

ps. how sad is it that I feel the need to clarify that I am joking about the lucite heels? which means I worry it really isn’t that far fetched for me….. ugh someone help me.

anyways, a reader had asked me about my vegas attire, so a few of the items in my suitcase are below :

the white jeans below are my favorite purchase for spring. they are $50, perfect amount of stretch, and comfortable fit. I’ll be pairing them with a printed tank for daytime, and also packed some of my go-to silk dresses since the temps are going to be HOT.

I have a herve-leger-ish bandage skirt I’ve had for years from BCBG and its high waist goes perfectly with the crop top (plus really sucks you in). sold.

my black leather leggings are going on as soon as I arrive at the hotel tomorrow night – throw on any top and its the perfect, easy outfit change.

white jeans // similar black skirt // black leather leggings

both of these tanks were fairly recent purchases and both are worth every penny.

you’ve probably seen the purple tank on here once or twice, I LOVE it so much.

the coral scalloped tank is cropped with an open back. be still my beating heart!

at under $50, I may have to get the white and blue version as well.

purple tank // scalloped tank

I ordered the black dress on the left last week. It was $100 and looked to be the perfect choice. I was not so in love with it when it came and it got sent back. The fabric was great, the draping looked super flattering from some angles and then made me look like I was pregnant from others. The opening in the center you could adjust to show no midsection or slightly more, but it never looked normal like it did on the model. I felt like I was trying to look like Kim Kardashin in it but without the right body for it at all. So….. I say it was a miss – but it was really cute – just didn’t work for me.

Instead I am packing the beaded dress on the right – I wore it for my bachelorette party and figure there aren’t many occasions other than Vegas where it is acceptable.

black dress // parker beaded dress

planned outfit combos below.

bandage skirt with scalloped crop top

white jeans with printed tank.

leather leggings with one of my other tops, or this joie leopard (the lighting in my pic is awful but almost identical here) top I scored at Nordstrom Rack.

now, picture me in all of those outfits,

but picture a pizza stain or spilled drink somewhere on each of them, because realistically thats what’ll happen.

I’m just kidding……. I’m totally married and responsible now!!!

and its going to be a family affair !!

and we all will be little angels just scooting around Vegas on our rascals.

hopefully something in between……

but I really do look forward to the day I go to Vegas and just zoom past people on a rascal with beverage in hand.

follow along on instagram !!!

fashion, Lifestyle

:: wishlist wednesday ::

March 18, 2015

lusts for the week………

bb dakota gets me every time.

they always have pieces at the perfect price point.

{ striped dress }

this sleeved striped dress is a lust too!

{ lace back tee }

{ the most perfect maxi there ever was }

{ racerback tank }

one of my other favorites, J.Crew Factory,

always has perfect items to wear all summer long.

and 30% off or more sales at least once a week!

{ scallop dress }

{ chino shorts }

{ necklace }

{ perfect chambray top }

also love this blue printed tunic, this perfect striped basic, this floral pencil skirt, and these pull on shorts

and I don’t even know how I came across this,

but abercrombie (yes, you read that correctly) has cute swimsuits.

their sizing probably runs as ridiculous as it used to (fits 12 year old boys), but it is adorable!

{ abercrombie striped + floral suit }

two other maxi dress lusts……

{ floral maxi }

{ watercolor maxi }

Lifestyle, recipe

:: crack of the week ::

March 17, 2015

a few weeks ago when I needed a gluten free dessert to take to a friends (where someone was gluten free obviously) and I came across this chocolate ricotta ice box cake.

turns out it may be a perfect little treat for an easter brunch

THE jewel was as helpful as ever with not having chocolate wafers,

so the next best thing was auntie annie’s little bunny wafers.

this dessert is perfect for those of you that love chocolate but want something more savory than sweet.

another great part, it takes only 30 minutes to make and it’s meant to be made ahead. you can make it up to two days in advance. perfect for an easter brunch!

:: chocolate ricotta ice box cake ::

recipe from martha stewart

INGREDIENTS

- Nonstick cooking spray
- 14 ounces semisweet chocolate (do not use chips)
- 2 containers (15 ounces each) part-skim ricotta cheese, room temperature
- 3/4 cup heavy cream
- 1 package (9 ounces) chocolate wafers (about 44 cookies)*
- *or a box of aunt annie’s bunny wafers
- ** springform pan

DIRECTIONS

Prepare pan: Remove sides from a 9-inch round springform pan (see note, below). Place a sheet of waxed paper over bottom, leaving an overhang; lock sides onto bottom, firmly securing paper. Spray inside of pan with cooking spray; line sides with a strip of waxed paper 28 inches long and 4 inches wide.
Make chocolate-ricotta mixture: Break 12 ounces of chocolate into pieces. Place in a heatproof medium bowl set over, not in, a pan of simmering water. Cook, stirring occasionally, until chocolate has melted, 8 to 10 minutes.
In a food processor, blend ricotta until very smooth, about 1 minute, scraping down sides of bowl. Add warm chocolate; blend until smooth. In a large bowl, beat cream until stiff peaks form. With a rubber spatula, gently fold in chocolate-ricotta mixture.
Assemble cake: Arrange half the cookies in an overlapping pattern to cover bottom of pan. Spoon half the chocolate-ricotta mixture on top of cookies; smooth top. Cover with remaining cookies; top with remaining chocolate-ricotta mixture, and smooth top. Cover with plastic wrap; refrigerate at least 6 hours and up to 2 days.
Before serving, release sides of pan and remove waxed paper from sides. Using bottom piece of waxed paper, pull cake onto a platter; with a metal spatula, lift cake and remove waxed paper. Using a vegetable peeler, shave remaining 2 ounces chocolate over top of cake. With a knife dipped in hot water, cut cake into 10 slices (wipe off knife, and dip in hot water after each slice).

after refrigerating it turns into a deeper, redder brown.

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend recap ::

March 16, 2015

hope you all had a great weekend.

i’m currently ~~dying~~ recovering from st. patrick’s day celebrations.

if this is how bad I feel from one day, I am even more terrified of how I will feel every morning next weekend when I am in VEGAS BABY.

we hosted a party at our place + it was so much fun.

I went to the dollar tree for decorations and may have gone a little crazy…. like making a photo booth wall crazy. photo overload below.

also, my husband finally agreed to start watching The Blacklist with me and he loves it so THANK GAWD we found a show we can both watch.

for some reason he’s resisting starting season 3 of house of cards even though he watched all of the first two.

like….. what up with that?

I’m off to take my nineteenth dose of ibuprofen to the face.

if any of you are interested in the recipe for the st. patricks day lucky charm rice crispy treats, I used this recipe and they were so cute if i do say so myself.

coffee talk, Lifestyle

coffee talk

March 12, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves……

:: the bachelor ::

Ohhhhh the final episode of the Bachelor.
Where they spend their final night before a proposal (or a break up) on a beautiful island in a remote area of the world they never dreamed of visiting, and have a proposal (or break up) on a mountain top overlooking crystal blue waters whilst a helicopter swirls around them and its the most incredible thing ever.

as was the case on monday night,

they spend their final nights in the middle of nowhere freezing their damn asses off.

When Chris visited Becca’s hotel room, I swear ABC must have attempted to re-decorate their rooms entirely and make them look nice, because through the draped curtains and throw pillows you could see straight out to the window, eye-level with the room THE FREEWAY with semi trucks RIGHT THERE and the giant light up sign for the hotel.

CLASSY.

They must have saved so much money this season. Seriously. The cost of filming must have been 1/50th what it is for other seasons.

(once again…. if I had been on this show and cast for this season, I would have been like “UMM this is bullsh*t when are we flying around the world to a different exotic locale every week?”

My favorite part of the whole episode:

Chris and Becca are having their final convo, where Becca still won’t say ANYTHING even remotely close to what Chris wants to hear.

“I know that you want me to know but I don’t and you know but I don’t know ”

(clearly I don’t remember exactly what they said but it went on for SERIOUSLY like 5 minutes)

and all I was hearing was the episode of Friends

“THEY DON’T KNOW THAT WE KNOW THAT THEY KNOW WE KNOW!”

it’s painful to watch chris try to have a conversation. he doesn’t talk. truly cannot form sentences. it’s ridiculous. reason 9847 this season of the bachelor sucked.

(and THANK GOD whitney said she didn’t watch any of the season because this whole finale episode is Chris blatantly stating that he just wishes becca would say I love you so that he could pick her. awwkkkkwwaaaard).

ps. i love that becca is the first human on all 72 seasons of this to realistically say “I’m falling for you but no I don’t love you and no I’m not moving somewhere, especially the middle of nowhere, until I know that the relationship is going to work.”

DUH PEOPLE. DUH.

the success rate of these relationships is as high as the percentage of times I decline another alcohol beverage or carbohydrate.

for his and whitney’s final hotel room visit at the beautiful Dubuque Hotel,

she proclaims that she loves him once again, one reason being that she can finish his sentences. well at least one of you can.

side note: I HATE when people say “I’m so glad you asked me that question……”

WHO ARE YOU? WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? this isn’t an interview and its annoying as hell in an interview because everyone knows its code for CRAP IM THINKING……..

I guess what Chris lacks in actual verbal communication he makes up for with his highly mobile eyebrows and facial expressions.

but I digress…..

when it actually was time for proposal,

DAMN they made that barn over.

the set designers must have worked their asses off!

How many u hauls are hiding down the road filled to the brim…. and generators to power everything?

and STILL, even though I’m sure there were a million space heaters, you can see HIS BREATH when he is talking to these girls.

this seriously could not be less romantic if you tried. those poor girls must have been freezing.

good thing the bachelor stylist picked matching crushed velvet dresses for them to keep them warm.

(side note, despite me laughing my head off, they both looked banging in the crushed velvet dresses – bods for days).

chris kisses becca on the lips upon entering, because you totes do that when you are about to propose to another woman in 10 minutes. he also does not want to let her go and is close talking to her and basically trying to kiss her again before she lives and beccas face clearly shows she couldn’t care less and knows she dogged a bullet with that one. no tears. ~~zero f’s given.~~

:: after the final rose ::

becca is so pretty I can’t stand it. and clearly is the smartest woman in the world for saying what every woman in america thinks about getting engaged to a man that was dating other women up until 5 minutes before he proposes.

if whitney watched any of the show, she would not be nearly as crazy in love as she seems to be.

Chris : “I told the producers I want to marry someone exactly like my sisters.”

oh my goodness …….. go back to not talking and mumbling chris seriously…..

and as for the only real part of the after the final rose, the announcement of the bachelorette,

I feel like I have no words. I’m speechless.

I didn’t think it could be worse than the worst case scenario: Britt. But wait. It is.

how was it too hard to decide between two women chris?

the audience was basically boo’ing her when you asked if american wanted her as the bachelorette? what?

I hope she knows the audience didn’t clap at all for her.

they come out and britt looks like a moron and kaitlyn looks ready to punch her she’s so annoyed.

britt was on the tv for 4 minutes and I already was screaming STOP FLIPPING YOUR HAIR.

I can’t. I just can’t.

this may be the first time since the creation of the show that I don’t watch a season.

them’s fighting words ABC I mean it.

~~ugh I wish I really meant it I’d watch a doggie version of the bachelor probably.~~

but for real I am PISSED.

and for real STOP FLIPPING YOUR HAIR.

while googling for pictures for this post, these two pictures came up.

I repeat, I just can’t.
(those of you that don’t watch the bachelor are so excited all of this is over and I can stop talking about it :D)
MOVING ON…….

I cannot wait for the season premiere of Southern Charm next week!
set your DVR’s!!
I forgot to set my DVR for Shah’s of Sunset and have yet to see the first two episodes because they aren’t on demand! Help! I’ve heard they’re incredible and the clips I saw lead me to believe nothing less.

:: vanderpump reunion ::

kristin looked weird
on WWHL my-boyfriend-andy-cohen said viewers were writing that she looked pregnant and I thinking YES but on WWHL she looked like her normal 10 pound bitchy crazy self.

UM sheana’s lips. I really hope that was a make up trick she’s trying out because she looked like she was stung by a hornets nest on her upper lip.
What is it that we are going to find out next week about why Stassi really hates Scheana because I’m excited!
I will never understand how Jax gets ANYONE for a million reasons but on top of all of it he is so scary looking…. he looked like a 90 year old scar from the lion king at the reunion.

:: KUWTK ::
Keeping up with The Kardashians was never a top viewing show of mine, but they replay it so much that I always end up seeing all the episodes ~~during my weekend hangover not moving for 8 hours off the couch binge.~~
This season, however, that starts March 15th, will be an exception.
I will be DVR’ing ALL of em. It’s gonna be nuts.
there are preview clips here and I’m real confused.
bruce is becoming a lady, but he is secretly talking to one of his ex wifes best friends?
I don’t get it.
unrelated, but Khloe’s new house looks insane.

then I googled and it says it is BEIBER’s old house and I threw up in my mouth a little.

:: RHOBH ::

I want to move to amsterdam this place looks AMAZING

who knew it was beautiful and had such yummy food?

those pancakes that vanderpump and kyle definitely did not eat more than one bite of looked insane.

my ignorant ass only thinks of red lights and pot when I think of amsterdam.
I should have known it would be as fabulous as yolanda.

the insanity that is this amsterdam trip continues……
I’m super disappointed in Lisa Rinna for acting like nothing has happened with Kim five seconds after the most insane scene ever. I’m hoping its just to get through the trip and that back in the states she is serious about being done with her.

brandi, just leave.

you suggest saying nice things about people, then you only say a physical feature, then you leave the table when its time to say something about you.

YOU MAKE NO SENSE.

:: jackhole of the week ::

I mean, seriously.

via

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.