TheSarcasticBlonde, Author at The Sarcastic Blonde

instagram : the most important part of your day

March 10, 2015

I’m too angry to even discuss the bachelorette announcement so lets get to todays post…..

DAMN YOU ABC. prepare for some angry words on Coffee Talk this Thursday!

if you’re someone that reads blogs daily,

don’t even try to lie and act like instagram isn’t one of the best parts of your day.

it’s the best thing since sliced bread to ever happen to boredom and a well earned “break” that you totally didn’t earn but you have ADD and want to hit refresh and see if anyone posted something within the last 4 minutes since you last checked.

here are some of my favorite funny/entertaining accounts to follow :

ps. proof that I write these posts at the very last minute, taking a million screen shots at 10 PM last night on my phone

@trevso_electric

the new (to me) and just as hilarious as @thefatjewish and @fuckjerry

@girlwithnojob

she and @betches are probably my two favorite accounts on all of instagram

@youdidnoteatthat

just found out about this one and just think its funny….. cuz its true.

@betches

love, love, love them. their instagram is even better than their website

@fuckjerry

we all know @thefatjewish and hopefully you all follow @fuckjerry because I think he is 10x better and funnier

@miserable_men

men forced to go shopping with women. enough said.

there are so many others so we’ll just leave it at that for now 🙂

what are your favorite accounts to follow?

the more the merrier….. anything to kill boredom on the treadmill during a commercial break 🙂

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend recap ::

March 9, 2015

oh hey.

via

hope you all had an amazing weekend 🙂

the temps warmed up here and I swear I haven’t seen so many people walking around outside since November. it was as if the population in our neighborhood multiplied by 50.

Friday night I went to dinner at LuxBar and then hit up the bars to celebrate my friend moving to DC.

Saturday night I got real wild.

my husband went to the bar to drink with friends.

it was the warmest day of 2015. and a saturday. so naturally

I went and got chipotle, grabbed myself a drink, and put on some netflix.

but don’t fret, I classed it up like a lady

I made it a brown rice bowl, put it on my own real dishes & poured a glass of prosecco.

then I watched the hottest man alive on SNL and laughed my head off.

the intro with the kate mckinnon hilary clinton skit was hilarious.

Sunday I treated myself to a massage – FINALLY. I’ve only had one massage ever and it was about 8 years ago. I have so many knots and stress points and blah blah that half of it hurt and half of it was great. I still felt just as awkward as I did when I had my first one at 20…. it’s just weird having a stranger touch you and seriously creeps me out.

and then I want to be like “please don’t talk at all… like…. at all.” but of course I don’t say that and then I wish I would say it the whole time.

I made skinnytaste’s balsamic glazed brussel sprouts with dinner; they were delicious!

and then I tried to handle my sunday scaries by having a glass of vino and some samoas.

chocolate and wine never hurts.

did anyone watch the real housewives of melbourne premiere?

because OHH MY GOODNESS.

it was not to be believed. I will DEFINITELY be watching.

three of the women’s names : Chyka, Gamble, and Pettifour.

although I like chyka from season one, but still.

these women put plastic surgery in california to SHAME.

gambles face TRULY does not move. an inch.

I couldn’t understand what she was saying, not because of the australian accent which is the case when some of them talk, but because her mouth didn’t move a muscle.

when I could comprehend what she was saying, I couldn’t believe my ears.

watch it and lets discuss on Coffee Talk!

in case you missed it, I posted the cutest weekend steals and deals yesterday, so check those out and nab em before they’re gone!

fashion, Lifestyle

weekend shopping :: steals and deals

March 8, 2015

:: weekend steals and deals ::

I got some goooood stuff for your lazy sunday shopping.

{due to my lazy saturday night ~~pinot grigio and samosa binge fest~~ shopping}

if you love mara hoffman but not the price, I found a similar line with great prices at nordstrom.

one // two // three // four

also, dresses by the same line here and here with the same fun similar print!

the perfect transitional trench coats

one & two (same coat, on sale! and loved both colors) // three

my three must haves for spring:

pretty pastels, floral anything, and scallop details.

one // two // three

who needs a $400-$500 adorable as hell kate spade jacket when you can have this adorable one for a fraction of the cost!?

// striped jacket //

enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: FRIDAY THINGS ::

March 6, 2015

:: friday things ::

haaaaaalelujah. we made it to friday.

this striped maxi is EVERYTHING. and a total steal price wise.

// striped maxi //
it even has a little open back. I meannnnnnn.

um why are people doing this to their hair?
kim k, jared leto, raven…. just NO. (link)

I recently ordered this cover-up from Old Navy and I love it.

also, Old Navy is having up to 35% off right now for a limited time.

// cover up //

order down a size or your smaller size as the waist is adjustable.

I also snagged this “confetti” bikini. I love, love the print even more in person.

can you tell I am desperate for warm weather?

2 weeks from now I’ll hopefully be wearing them in Vegas!!

Have you heard about the roast of The Beibs ? (link)

I’m real confused….. usually aren’t you roasted by people who at the heart of it all actually like you? They call you out on all of your bullsh*t, make fun of you like only a friend can, rip ya a new one, embarrass the hell out of you, and then they’re like BUT I LOVE YOU.

theres’ a problem here….

NO ONE… NO. ONE. is friends with & loves Bieber ?

especially the following : Kevin Hart, Martha Stewart, Shaq?

Like, when was the last time you heard Martha be all
“Oh Justin! I adore him! We baked breads and made our own potpourri last weekend!”

I will never not die laughing at kate mckinnon doing bieber. love her.

PS. who knew that’s how you spelled potpourri?

this blog is so amazingly educational. you’re welcome.
(my mom nance pants is reading this embarrassingly rolling her eyes like ‘you didn’t know how to spell potpourri! taylor!’)

Holy crap. Did anyone see Anne Heche on WWHL? Wow. Never want to see you interviewed on TV again you are still just as weird as I remember when I was younger.

She would not shut up the entire episode, even when no one was talking to her.
It was making me insane. I could totally tell my-boyfriend-andy-cohen was thinking exactly what I was.

the most perfect floral romper

// romper //
and a gorgeous steal option under $50
(looks WAY cuter here than on the model)

HAPPY WEEKEND!
I have a going away party tonight for one of my best friends.
She is moving to DC for work, a move she has been wanting to make for a long time
so I’m of course totally happy for her and not selfishly thinking WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME.
I will likely be crying all through dinner, drunkenly crying later the bar,
and crying all next week as well.

as you can tell from the photos with washcloths under her armpits,
she has a horrible personality and will find it very difficult to make new friends
and I won’t miss her at all.
gotta go cry. see you monday.

coffee talk, Lifestyle

Coffee Talk

March 5, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves……

the bachelor : the women tell all

BRITT IS THE MOST OBNOXIOUS PERSON ON THE PLANET.
for real though. seriously. I mean it. enough.

she “cried” the entire episode. (seriously here is a montage of her crying the whole episode) 80% of her crying involved no tears and a GREAT job at suddenly being able to turn it on and off.

in the beginning, sure, I saw a few tears. I hardly think it was necessary to have a trembling lip and tears when all they did was play a recap of a few scenes, none of which were particularly interesting, sad, or dramatic. I mean, for real, a trembling lip?

then she turns to the crowd when they cheer for something and mouths “thank you”

COME ON. GET OVER YOURSELF. I’ve never seen someone need more attention, and there have been lots of attention loving crazies on that show.

at commercial break, absolutely blank face with no tears and then when they announced chris was walking out her face went from stone cold to scrunched up “crying”. (you know I rewound it.)

ok britt. enjoy your 5 minutes of fame.

farmer chris walks out and britt starts to cry and have spastic ridiculous movements

WHY IS THE WHOLE SHOW ABOUT BRITT? why are we wasting precious moments of my life watching her hug him for 10 minutes in that HIDEOUS gold dress picked up at Charlotte Russe??

jillian… if you are pissed about the mean comments from the girls saying you are manly and act like a dude…. don’t do this during the entire reunion :

even the Kelsey part wasn’t exciting…. she just walked up and talked and talked with her affected speech and Chris didn’t even ask her a question. the girls this season are just the worst. (aka the best).

to cap things off,
chris harrison is apparently now an author and plugs his book called The Perfect Letter

um. okay chris. sure.

if they make Britt the next Bachelorette, I will lose it.

it they make Kaitlin the next Bachelorette, I will also be pissed (99% chance she’ll get it and they announce it next week).

if they make Andi the Bachelorette for a SECOND time like rumors say, I’ll be so annoyed.

WHY CAN’T THEY PICK NEW PEOPLE FOR BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE LIKE THEY USED TO? Nice normal people who don’t come from a town of 300 people but are hot, successful, funny, live in a normal city, ~~and preferably rich~~.

Like when they had Andrew Firestone. Those were the days. He was so hot.

Kelly osborne quit E!’s Fashion Police because of giuliana rancic’s racist comments
(or some reports say because she hasn’t liked it since Joan passed…. either way….)

~~whilst i respect the bold move (no I don’t)~~, you are a complete dumb ass kelly.

what are you going to do now? you have HORRIBLE taste, clothes, hair, fashion and never should have been given a job in the first place.

ummm where has karen ‘ladies am I right’ gif been all my life?
prepare to see it everyday.

you didn’t even finish high school. HIGH SCHOOL. SERIOUSLY.

yep, hosting a fashion show critizing a-list celebs.

what blackmail did the osbornes have on E! that they hired her to begin with?

(I know what you’re wondering….. geez taylor how do you really feel?)

:: RHOBH ::
(oh my gah to be read in jack mcfarland way)

OH.

MY.

GAAAA.

yolanda wants to use dinner as a time to open up and bond and share deep things.
shocker : fight ensues.
how yolanda stays so calm at the restaurant is beyond me – I would be like ummmmm I fly you all to my country and this is how you act the first night out at dinner in public? geez louise.
lisa is saying something serious about her older sister passing away, and takes the opportunity to once AGAIN apologize if she ever crossed a line, and Kim goes SO CRAZY ANGRY it is unbelievable.
(video clip)

anger like that, in a moment that was calm and APOLOGETIC, is insane.
“you shut your f*ing mouth you beast”.
WOAH. Look out Brandi, your new BFF is taking over.
and I’m sorry, kyle sprinting out the open door was the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Brandi doesn’t want Kim taking too much of her Bitch Glory so she makes sure to scream

“DONT TOUCH ME” at Kyle when she touches her arm in calm conversation.
good god. please let the two of you run off together (off the show. please.)

on my-boyfriend-andy-cohen’s show that night,
kyle said she and kim hadn’t seen each other in 4 months until the reunion they just taped.

YIKES. its gonna be CAH-RAZY.

Am I the only one that watched Newlyweds : Where are they now?
oh my gosh it is so worth watching.

tarzan and crazy his wife are the same (if not worse) as ever.

her pregnancy reveal (see the video clip here) is just not to be believed.

and seriously the episode is worth watching for the 97 million things she does during it. there are too many to even comment on.

:: vanderpump rules ::

stasis’s face has been driving me crazy all season.

when I see her on WWHL and in half of the commentary she looks all plumped and awful, and other times she looks more normal.

I’ve determined that since wrapping the show, she got more stuff done, and thats why she looks normal half the time and then in her commentary half of it she looks 40.

we’ll see what she looks like at the reunion next week to see if I’m right….. she’s got to be so embarrassed the whole season was her being nothing and no one giving a crap. I don’t know why they had her on when she played no role, but I always enjoyed her in past seasons when she actually served a purpose (i.e. being a bitch and yelling IT’S MY BIRTHDAY).

I love Hilary Duff, I don’t know if its the Lizzie McGuire thing still sticking around or what. But I was sad to hear she had finally filed for divorce from Mike Comrie until all the reports about his drunken antics hitting on people.

:: Jackhole of the Week::
ME. for reading all of the RHOBH ladies blogs about this weeks episode.
im not even ashamed. they were great.
also, I didn’t re-read anything I wrote once, so it probably makes no sense 🙂

I’m off to pre-order Chris Harrison’s new book…….

ohhhh I jest. my gosh at least I draw the line somewhere and have the worlds tiniest amount of self respect to not do that.

also, remember this.

you’re welcome.

mmmmkthanksbye.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

wishlist wednesday

March 4, 2015

lusts for the week…….

I am saving my paychecks to ~~blow them on the craps table~~ gamble and win the big bucks in vegas in two short weeks.

but there are still some things catching my eye, some of which I’ve had on the lust list since last year.

as you probably know, shopbop is having their Big Event sale (use code BIGEVENT15)

so I’ve included some of my favorite under $100 finds from there.

// tulip dress //

// printed jumper //

THE most perfect shirtdress for spring, at $100 price point.

// floral shirtdress //
also in a tank version

take me to summertime. please.

// maxi dress //

// romper //

at shopbop, the thin gold rings have been on my list of must haves for so long,
and the set of small studs are too cute.

stud earring set // pearl earring set // square stud cuff ring
teardrop cuff ring // navy striped earrings

these two scarves are gorgeous and the perfect transition for spring.

and I’m sorry, I just thought that Tory Burch Reva Flat keychain was the CUTEST damn thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve had the same keychain since 2004….. mama needs an upgrade (in 3 colors too!)