The Sarcastic Blonde

fashion, food, fitness + a dose of sarcastic gossip

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::


discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: THE BACHELOR :: 
Alright.  I’m just going to come out and say it.
The joy is gone and now it’s just boring and I’m over it.
I fast forwarded through half of this show. Which I usually never do. 
The Corinne show had been super enjoyable….. until now. 
We kick off back where we left, with Taylor “Mental Health Counselor” (slash Bikini Model as Us Weekly revealed) and Corinne “Pretend Business Lady with Nanny” going at it.
Does Taylor not realize that by engaging in all of this with Corinne she is making herself look just as stupid?
If you didn’t know…. Taylor did her thesis on “emotional intelligence” and they are her two favorite words to say and she will say them over. and over. and over.
So emotional intelligence was clearly the drinking game of the night and we all would have been hospitalized had we played.  

They leave Wisconsin and head to New Orleans. 
I really did love Corinne ordering all the room service and eating all of the food.
If I was trapped in a hotel room with the person I didnt like while the rest of the girls were out on the group date, I feel like I would do the same thing! 
And who doesn’t love complimentary room service!? 


I meannnnn it seemed like an awfully emotionally intelligent thing to do to me. 
Her being the villain and eating all that food was very reminiscent of Chad and the meat….. 
Also very “Chad”, is that the villain always has to go on the two on one with the person they can’t stand
Olivia was on the island two-on-one… left standing in the rain. 
Chad and little Faarquad from Shrek were in the woods….. 


Taylor and Corinne are in the middle of the Bayou….. 
This double date takes the cake for being so freaking creepy.
In the middle of the alligators on a swamp and the woods and with witchcraft ceremonies at night and did I mention alligators and a swamp?  UGH.
They meet with a psychic, talk crap about each other, Corinne gets a Voo Doo doll and doesn’t even put it down when Nick is giving her the rose. 

Taylor just can’t get over how Nick could choose someone who doesn’t understand emotional intelligence. 
drink!
Um. Taylor, sweetie. Nick doesn’t care.
He just wants to bone someone and be on television as long as possible because he has no job and he is 36 and still trying to ride the Bachelor-7-minute-wave. 

Taylor on Nick + Corinne :”It’s a relationship built off of whipped cream and lies.”
YES. Now you are starting to understand Taylor!
Wait…. no.  No, she doesn’t.  Because now shes “not leaving until she gets to tell Nick who she really is”. 
 Oh Lord…. I think you should get some mental health counseling of your own after this, because you are either crazy yourself or you’ve been brainwashed by all of these producers.
But really.  This episode could NOT have been more boring. 

:: Miss Universe Pageant :: 
I love a good beauty pageant. 
Flo-Rida opened the show with 5 rap songs about dropping it low and smacking that ass. 
a little “Apple Bottom Jeans, Boots with the Fur” mixed in….. 
This made no sense to me and was hilarious.  He was great, it just seemed…… odd? inappropriate?
The answers to many of the questions were this years version of “like, Iran, such as….”

Steve Harvey  made the best facial expressions ever listening to them all NOT answer the question they were asked. 

I didn’t enjoy the pageant as much as I thought, because I felt it was 3 hours of whole lot of nothing. But Steve Harvey was great.  

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 
James clearly gets his unfavorable behavior from his mother.
We already knew she was a drinker and feeds James’ belief that everyone is just “jealous”, but now she is making horrible comments at the drop of a hat (“well her karma is she’ll be barren”)   
She should go join the Katie-clique, she’d fit right in with the mean girls. 

James is “performing” at this bar/club and everyone goes. 
Jax goes? Everyone that hates him goes?
Then we see KRISTIN and her BOYFRIEND walking in?
Oh, I see.  It’s to watch everyone confront James and his girlfriend about him cheating.
but wait….. before we get to that…. it is BROAD DAYLIGHT outside of this club.
what time is this!?!?  Truly.  It looks like 11-2 peak sun hours when they open the doors to this pitch black nightclub.  It’s probably a Monday afternoon. 
…. but back to the point, 
Everyone is there to watch James and his girlfriend be confronted by the two girls he had been cheating with. 
his girlfriend sure is pretty….. but every time she opens her mouth I think there is less and less going on up there.
and by less and less, I mean none. 
plus her VOICE! my GAWD! 
Highlight of the night is one of the Sur-hook-ups saying to James girlfriend: 
“Isn’t it a quality of Miss California to be like, feminism?”
direct quote.  to be feminism. 
:: BEVERLY HILLS :: 
Be still my beating heart.
Am I liking Dorit? This entire episode? 
We begin at Rinna’s Harry’s BBQ… he does it all!. 
Eden arrives and wastes no time jumping into the “I know all about the Richards fam and their future despite speaking to them for 5 seconds” chat. 
Dorit is doing the right thing and telling Eden it’s not nice to talk behind others backs,
and that she should just confront Kyle about it.
AND she is making a proper judgement call on Eden being coo-coo.
AND dare I say this is also the best she has ever looked…. 
so cute in those white jeans, chambray top, and hair down and wavy.
WHO AM I????
AM I A DORIT LOVER?? 
DID SOMEONE SPIKE MY TEA??? 

Eden goes straight to confronting Kyle about Kim while everyone is sitting nicely together in the grass enjoying the BBQ. 
everyone runs to leave as fast as they can.
Rinna literally runs in her heels which I loved.
Camille mumbles something about a drink and does it as quickly and lady like as she can.
Erika has a full drink and is like “Yeah Camille I’m going to go with you…. I have a drink…. but…. wait for me” 
For someone who acts like she reads people so well, Eden sure can’t read a facial expression to save her life. 

And then right when Kyle is about to pull her (gorgeous) hair out, Eden hugs her for 9 hours. I loved the replay of this and Kyle talking about her crazy eye contact and pulling people in and holding them for way. too. long.
editors note : I really want to know what Eden’s behavior and personality was when she drank????? 

Cut to Dorit working out at her and PK’s (to be read in the obnoxious PK voice, because I gotta say something here or it’s just not right) house. 
Dorit is working out with no make-up! Like a normal person! I mean, none of them do that!?! 
And looking gorgeous of course. 
Okay wait…. if this was the first episode I saw of her I would really like her
Perhaps I have judged too soon….
I’m sure her and PK will be back to their usual selves with 7 Boy George appearances next week….. 

Okay I think I know where all of this Dorit-love is coming from…. the focus has switched to Eden.
We go to the mansion that Mauricio and THE AGENCY showed us last week for a party.  Because why have the annual white party at their house when they can have a completely different theme related to a house being sold by THE AGENCY and  plug THE AGENCY? 
Who goes right in for the kill? EDEN. 
I meannnnn.  Kyle’s face when she walks straight up to her and her sister at HER PARTY and kneels down with the LONGEST and MOST DRAMATIC PAUSE EVER was perfection.

She is just too much.  and that is the understatement of the century. 
I would have been like “let me just stop you right there. not now. and hopefully not ever? mmmmk thanks.”
BACK. THE EFF. OFF.
I listened to Eden on Kate Casey’s podcast and she is just SO intense.  
We get it- you are deep and you go deep.  
But that is not how you act with strangers! 
It was painful listening to her on this podcast, just as you would expect. 
:: Bethenny and Jason ::
okay WOOOOOAHHH.
The 97 year divorce battle between Bethenny and Jason finally came to an end in 2016.
But how silly of me to think that could mean the end of it! 
He apparently came and confronted her at school and then again on her date and there is a new restraining order and he has been harassing her and other things? 
read the whole article here.

 I feel so torn in everything regarding Jason because I loved him and I feel like theres no way he would behave that way unless she was being absolutely insane to him (and keeping the daughter away, which I think she would-and does-do.  She used to act like his parents were the devil when they were still married and try to keep them away). 
HOWEVER….. he’s really looking like a crazy person right now and now I’m thinking…..maybe he isnt who he seemed? I don’t even know what I’m thinking! 
…. what are your thoughts? discuss….. 

:: Heather Dubrow not returning to OC ::
As much as Ms. Manners shaking the finger at everyone would annoy me, and last season especially it was NEVER ENDING she drove me nuts, but I can’t believe Heather is walking away from the show!
And like a reader commented – BEFORE WE GET TO SEE DAMN CHATEAU DUBROW!
If you are anything like me you have been clinging to the hope of seeing that damn house completed for 2 (3???) seasons now.  WE MUST SEE IT.
She needs to change her YouTube Heather’s Closet into a full blown house reveal, or else I will lose ma damn mind.
I need to see the “Press for Champagne” button in her shampoo room! I MUST!
I NEED TO SEE THE HEXAGONAL ICE COMING OUT OF THE ICE MAKER.  
I NEED SOME HEXAGONAL ICE IN MY LIFE.


:: OPRAH ON 60 MINUTES ::
It was just announced that Oprah will be a Special Contributor for 60 Minutes.
It’s not that I think it’s bad, it just will be surprising to see her on 60 Minutes? 
Kip loves 60 minutes so I can’t wait for her to be on and him be like “wait a minute…why do I know her? is that Barbara Walters? just kidding…. I think he actually knows Oprah. I think?

I can picture her being in the intro where they all say their name…..
“I’m Lesley Stahl”
“I’m Steve Kroft”
“I’m Lara Logan”
“I’m Oprah Winfrey (I LOVE BREAD Y’ALL!)” 
thoughts?  discuss amongst ya-selves……

EDITORS NOTE : 

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  

#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.






gifs and images via giphy, ABC , E!, Real Housewives Tmblr, and Bravo 


US Weekly, Entertainment Weekly , YahooTV 

by  
fashion, Lifestyle

:: Wish list Wednesday ::

lusts for the week……. 

I love this top so, so much.  The cut especially!   

// PRINTED PEPLUM // 


the coziest looking wrap sweater, for only $60!

// WRAP FRONT SWEATER // 


I haven’t been able to get on board with the slip on sneakers,

but this eyelet pair might be changing my mind! 
// EYELET SLIP ON SNEAKERS //


another inexpensive one-piece obsession.
check out a ton more in yesterdays post 

// BATIKI ONE PIECE // 

off the shoulder, stripes, navy and white, and a bow! yes please!

// PINSTRIPE OFF THE SHOULDER // 

The perfect black blazer.
It looks just like the one I love and live in, 
where it’s a little bit longer + the sleeves can be pushed up for a more “out of office” look. 

// BLACK BLAZER // 


gimme this vest.  gimme.

// LONG VEST // 


Would I look like Paddington Bear if I wore this?
Or a small child?
Because this yellow raincoat looks like the cutest thing in the world. 

// HOODED RAIN JACKET // 

gingham AND buttons AND an open back!

// GINGHAM BUTTON BACK TOP // 


Favorite dresses for the week! 
ONE              //              TWO                  //              THREE              //              FOUR

The sherbert color of the front tie dress is perfect for spring and summer wedding season.
I never met a floral maxi, especially one under $100, that I didn’t like.
The color of this gorgeous blue cocktail dress is perfection. 

I am always drawn to white dresses,
and especially for any brides-to-be these are great options for showers and such!


Fitness Picks for the week, all under $100! 

top row, TOPS : ONE // TWO // THREE // FOUR // FIVE 
bottom row, BOTTOMS : ONE // TWO // THREE // FOUR // FIVE
I know this pair is going to sell out fast like this stlye always does, so I already have a pair heading my way to try out! 


Stripe picks for the week, all under $70!! 
ONE    //    TWO    //    THREE    //   FOUR, under $17!
FIVE    //    SIX   //   SEVEN   //   EIGHT
I love how the tulle sleeves fancies up a simple tee. 
The deep-V of this long sleeved top and this fleece top keep the wide striped flatering. 
I would run errands all day long in this graphic pullover.
And any woman of any age would look great in this pullover tunic length top.  

and for a pair of striped shoes under $35,
how cute are these chambray striped pumps!!?? 


by  
fashion, Lifestyle

:: superbowl, snacks, and swimsuits ::

Today I am sharing some Superbowl Snacks and some Swimsuits. 
Because those go together, right?! 

At the end of February, my girlfriends and I are heading to Scottsdale for a long planned getaway weekend.  I think we have been counting down to this for about 7 months, so I can’t believe its finally close! We did this the year before last and had such a great time, so I am really excited. Plus I haven’t seen them in so long so it’ll be a DC-Atlanta-Chicago reunion weekend for all of us! 
I keep finding myself loving one piece swimsuits, and I am so happy they have gotten fashionable again.  
but without that horrid high-thigh cut like our swim team suits had when we were little. 

All of the suits below are under $50!! with many under $40 and $30!
Who needs an expensive Equipment Scalloped edge suit when ya got Target? 



The print on the next two swimsuits reminds me so much of the Tory Burch print that I adore.
It’s not exactly the same, but definitely similar, and at a fraction of the price! 
                      CROCHET HIGH NECK                         //                           RACER BACK

The four suits below have the Mara Hoffman’esque vibe. 
I love the one on the far left wit the cut-out and the pink at the top, and the far right with the pink straps and open back! 
ONE      //       TWO       //      THREE       //       FOUR


As I mentioned we’re heading to Las Vegas for the weekend for the Super Bowl!
My brother-in-law has a work event, so my sister is going with him, and Kip will be in Vegas again for work, so I am going along with him! 
We’re using our husbands to our advantage and I’m so excited for the four of us to have a weekend away! 
We are staying at the Cosmopolitan and I’ve only visited for drinks but never stayed there! 

Even though I wont get to enjoy 97 different types of appetizers at a Super Bowl party since we wont be at a friends house, I still wanted to do a round-up of recipes.
An all snacks and finger foods and appetizers kind of food frenzy is my absolute dream world.  
Let me know what kind of yummy munchies you’ll be making for Sunday! 


3 super easy (make ahead!) favorite dessert options of mine: 
I love this funfetti cookie cake – if I can make it look pretty, anyone can! 
and who doesn’t love a cookie cake?

:: FUNFETTI COOKIE CAKE :: 



my favorite go-to dessert: crack cake. 
I often make this the night before (and store it covered with Saran Wrap in the microwave! new trick I picked up!)

:: CRACK CAKE :: 


Make this graham cracker toffee at your own risk.
Once you start, it’s impossible to stop.

:: GRAHAM CRACKER TOFFEE :: 

And call me #Basic, but my other favorite to bring is the Hawaiin Roll Ham Sliders.
You just can’t mess with a classic, and when you top those things with a bunch of melted butter they are just pure crack and you cannot stop.  
For the anti-kitchen folk, Trader Joe’s pigs in a blanket + their cartelized onion feta bites are always a YES.  And pimento cheese in phyllo cups, heated up in the oven.
Easy peasy! 

A round up of recipes from around the internet! 

SKINNY TASTE TOP 20 SUPERBOWL ROUNDUP



GIMME SOME OVEN : 15 EASY CHEESY DIPS


If you are hosting a bunch of gals at your place, where people care more about the food and drink (and commercials!) than the game
here is a cute Guide to the Anti Super Bowl Party



by  
Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend recap ::

I hope you all had a great weekend! 

We went out to dinner with friends at St. Cecilia’s in Buckhead Friday night and loved it. 
Our favorite was the Cacio a Pepe pasta dish and these amazing Sticky Pear Tarts. 
I’m not a pear dessert person but it was insane!  The beet salad was delicious too! 
It’s definitely one the prettiest restaurant I’ve been in yet since moving back to Atlanta. 
and the floors were gorgeous. 


Friday nights outfit : 
I wore a top I recently snagged at Stein Mart for $20. 
 I have been finding the best stuff at Stein Mart + TjMaxx/Homegoods here. 

Saturday’s Outfit : 
The Theory silk blouse was a top I bought as a bridesmaid to go with a long skirt, and it is truly one of my favorite things to wear over and over again.  It was not only the cutest bridesmaids outfit but the only one I actually wear again.  
This notched collar blazer (similar) is getting a ton of use still, 
and will definitely be coming with me to Vegas on Friday! 


seriously how amazing were these bridesmaids looks? 

image


also… side note:
 I missed the Vanderpump crew in Vegas by one week! 
They were all there this weekend! Argh! 

The Cupcakes + Cashmere Draped Trench that I had ordered from Nordstrom arrived and it was not a success.
It’s obviously very wrinkled in this photo, but I didnt bother steaming it because I knew right away it was a no.  The material is super thin, and this was an XS but it just kind of hung and as shapeless.  I’m sure Belted it would be cuter but the l didnt feel like I was tall enough to pull off the length and shape and just didn’t love it.  Definitely didn’t look as cute as it had on the model. Oh well. 
Kip said I looked “like a woman living in a cardboard box.”  
I thought I looked more like I was wearing a lab coat.  Either way, not good comparisons. 
The under $25 sunnies were a much cheaper and successful purchase so it was technically a win win! I wish I had ordered the other tortoise color too so hopefully they restock, but this brown tortoise is still available.


On Sunday Kip and I went to a Flywheel class together, keeping up with the daily workouts.

This is hilarious to me because we were a bit hungover, and even if we hadn’t been, it was never an activity we would have done on a Sunday in Chicago.
I said “you know what we would be doing right now?” and at the exact same time we said “eating.”

We went over to my moms for family dinner and time with the kiddos. 
My sister made the prettiest salad and some delicious cornbread muffins with chili. 

There is a trundle bed I had been wanting to snag sitting in one of the upstairs bedrooms and we finally disassembled it and took it to our place! 
at this rate there will be nothing left at my mom’s house at all….. seriously. 
Our “office” seems like such a waste of space to me.  It gets used because I use the treadmill and then I do some blogging from the desk so that the room is used more, but I felt like the trundle bed would make it so much more useful.
Plus we already have two occasions in April where we have 4 people staying at once so just having the guest bed wouldn’t be enough.
We are deciding where to place the desk and treadmill still in the space, but I’m liking the room so much better already!! 

We are back to being really healthy this week before our trip next weekend.
My Protein Pancakes have been a daily meal, and when Kip is out of town I make them for dinner a lot. 

 I really am obsessed with the Rocco Dispirito Protein Pancake Recipe that uses unsweetened organic applesauce.
Plus its such an easy thing to mindlessly throw together and they really fill you up! 

Happy Monday! 
I hope you all had a great weekend!!! 




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friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: RECIPES + RANDOMS ::

Cheers to Friday!! 

This has been a busy week and I am very ready for the weekend! 

Many of you requested some more recipe posts, especially some healthy meals. 
Today I have two healthy “recipes” that aren’t even really recipes, just a few ingredients thrown together, that have been on repeat for fast weeknight meals lately.   
It couldn’t be easier. 

I have been making Zoodes with my Spiralizer that I got for Christmas, but if you don’t have Zoodles and don’t want to buy them at the store, I have been making the same recipe with Spaghetti Squash as well! 
I have made this the night of, or also have grilled the chicken and prepped the zoodles in advance, so that all you have to do is heat everything up and put it together! 
I am a pasta lover so these satisfy that craving perfectly! 


I simply combine the following:
Zuchinni Noodles or Spaghetti Squash
Pesto (store bought or homemade)
Grilled Chicken
Sun-dried Tomatoes 

For the Spaghetti Squash:
Cook at 400 for about an hour. Shred with a fork and remove all of the noodles.  Mix noodles with the remaining ingredients, put back into the shell, and top with some part-skim mozzarella.  Throw under the broiler for a few minutes and it’s all set! 

For the Zucchini Noodles:
 you only need to sauté them in a little bit of olive oil for a few minutes (3-5), and then add the remaining ingredients! 
I squeeze water out of my zucchini noodles before cooking, and drain in a colander after cooking because for the life of me I can’t figure out why mine seem to release more water – if anyone has any tips for this please let me know! 

That is it! So, as I said, it’s not really a recipe. 
But it is extremely satisfying and seems like a treat that took a lot of time when it doesn’t at all! 





:: 5 FRIDAY FAVORITES :: 


Inspired by Nick’s Mom, and all of the ladies of The Bachelor, 


I have some leather jacket finds for you! 


Actually… come to think of it….


My mind was blown with just the mom + the contestants and the amount of leather.


But now I am realizing 


NICK wears leather jackets constantly too? I feel like I’ve seen one every single week: T-shirt and Leather Jacket?? 


He even jazzes his up with unexpected colors like RUST. 


but okay seriously…. look at how many leather jackets he is in?


what is going on? 








 I’m thinking that the wardrobe person for The Bachelor is forcing everyone into them because she watched Unreal and Shiri Appleby does nothing but wear her black leather jacket day and night. 


amiright? 


okay… now that you never want to see leather again because I’ve said it 50 times :


 let me share my picks for the week! 





Speaking of unexpected colors inspired by Nick, my favorite is the Navy because like Nick, I like a non-black leather jacket… there’s also some blush for a different color and some suede in there too just to change it up a bit.   Ca-razy. 





1. NAVY LEATHER JACKET 


2. DRAPED FRONT SUEDE 


3. BLUSH AND UNDER $100


4. HOODED SWEATSHIRT JACKET 


5. DRAPED FRONT UNDER $60 





aren’t you so glad you stopped by the blog today to discuss the amount of leather on The Bachelor?


Me too.  Me. Too. 


Maybe next week we can do some leather pants….. 





Only a few more days of my 31 days of working out in January remaining….. 





Considering next weekend we are in Las Vegas for the Super Bowl…. I’m thinking I only have one week left before I have a day with a bit fat ZERO for physical activity.


 Unless lifting a drink to my lips counts while I’m there? 










by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: THE BACHELOR ::
The champagne toast at the end of the ceremony is taken over by Corrine addressing the group with one of her pep talks, further making the girls want to lose their minds. 

Chris announces they are leaving the house! And Heading to…….
an island
europe
an exciting destination 
they get to leave the sunny mansion and head to Wakeshna Wisconsin! 
(sorry Wisconsin…..you’re all super nice and the town looked adorable… but I’d rather be on the beach….in all fairness if they had said “Atlanta” I would have been disappointed).
Kip was in town this week and was in the room while the show was on, and when Nick is talking with his parents in Wisconsin he said
” WAIT. THAT is his voice? He sounds like he’s talking through a kazoo.”
He really does have a horrible voice. 

Um. Nick’s mom. Woah.  
I wasn’t expecting a 50+ year old not dressing her age such a trendy lady for someone who has 11 kids. 

She has all the check marks going for looking young and fresh : 
asymmetrical short haircut, leather jacket, deep-v tank underneath.
come to think of it all of those could also be things that Kate, from John + Kate Plus 8, had too…..
and A NOSE RING. Never saw it coming. 
Nick really needs to learn to stop crying.  I’m all for an emotional man (but not really, because I’m emotional enough for 2, so it would never work) so crying is fine, but not crying at EVERYTHING. 

Danielle (the one with the giant rack that is always on display, 
not Danielle the 31 year old neonatal nurse) gets the one on one.

On to the group date in Wisconsin : A Cow Farm!
How Wisconsin-y! 
Bet the girls are taking back their squeals when Chris Harrison announced they were leaving the house now…… 
Corinne obviously has no part in this.
She can’t handle it! Her hands are about to fall off! 
She doesn’t know how to do chores! She has a nanny for that crap, remember!? 

editors note : I love hearing the dairy farmer say melk melk melk like my co-worker always did 🙂 surprisingly though, his accent is not that Wisconsin-strong at all. 

Jaimi (the bi-sexual girl) and all of the “knowing how to handle the teets” commentary just kills me…. I love how they peg everyone on this show, and there was no way they were letting the bi-sexual girl out of this group date without several sound bites to use related to breasts and handling them. 

Josephine is wearing a perfect outfit for today’s activities: white jeans and a crop top. 
I’m not making fun of that outfit because she is shoveling poop in it, because she didn’t know thats what she would be doing, but I really love that when the weather requires a girl wear a puffer coat, she still has a little crop top and bare midriff underneath.  
UM.  My friend Cristin is a genius and made the best comparison on the face of the earth.
Josephine and Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus 
Is she not her EXACT TWIN?!? 
Could not be more spot on! 

Comment about Corinne not participating in the shoveling of manure : 
“I don’t know if its the cow shit or the bull shit but I smell shit.”  
GREAT LINE.  

On to the night time portion of the date…..
Apparently everyone got wind that Nick’s mom is into black leather jackets, and that maybe men are attracted to women like their mother, so they ALL are wearing black leather jackets. 
 and for the most part, not even cute ones.  They are all a severely cheap looking motorcycle style. 

I love Corinne’s constant need to address the group of girls with speeches.
Apologizing for her napping through a rose ceremony:
“Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps”
right…. those are two names that would come to mind first? 
Oh! And apparently she “almost had to go to the hospital because she lost circulation in her fingers” from shoveling the poop.  
Riiiiiiight. 

don’t leave Corinne…. it’s going to be so boring without you! 

Raven gets the other one on one date and meets the fam on the soccer field!
Then they go roller skating.  
As the song “Kiss Me” plays all I can think of is She’s All That …… and then I realize all of these girls are too young to have had that movie play a pivotal role in their lives. 
They’ve never watched the red dress come down the stairs with the haircut to Freddie Prince Junior.
They probably don’t even know who Freddie Prince Junior is.
ITS A TRAVESTY.
Ur-sher yelling : PART LIKE THE RED SEA….. with that song that “Right about now….. the Funk show brother…..Check it out now……” 
That movie was EVERYTHING. 
Even the Jeopardy scene was Oscar worthy! 

But I digress….. back to Raven eating dinner with Nick discussing her ex boyfriend. 
Raven, perhaps you shouldn’t go into this much detail about your boyfriend cheating on you.  You know what her vagina looks like? You beat him whilst nude with her stiletto? 

Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party : 
All of them are in these damn black leather jackets again 

The psychoanalysis at the fire between corinne and Taylor is AMAZING.  

Corinne says she “literally can’t even.  literally. can’t even.”
DAMN….she’s using words I often use to explain my dismay in Coffee Talk.... I can’t use them anymore. 

Also, Corinne ran a brush through her hair this week and looks 10x better. (She always looks pretty, but it literally looked like she hadn’t brushed her hair since stepping out of the limo until this week). 

TO. BE. CONTINUED.

And WHATTAYA KNOW next week there is a two on one where someone gets sent home.
Who is picked for the two on one? 
TAYLOR AND CORINNE
And what is the setting? 
An alligator infested swampland jungle.
slow clap abc.  slow. clap. 

A reader clued me in to check out Us Magazine for a few tidbits about the girls: 
Surprise, surprise.
No one is who they claim too be.  It’s whoever the producers want them to be.
Corinne may “run a million dollar family business” (its a flooring company) but her job is “Miami-based-Model” apparently. 
Taylor, the mental health professional, is an amateur underwear model.
SERIOUSLY?????? 
Vanessa, the Canadian special education teacher, has hosted Canadian talk shows and has been on 2 tv shows and is in the entertainment industry.  
Danielle Lombard – the Danielle with the rack, not the Neonatal Nurse – was named Miss Hot Import Nights by an automotive company.  I don’t even know what that necessarily means but I felt the need to include it.
All of this is hilarious. 

:: RHOBH :: 
I love how Dorit acts like she is such a party planner. This is the second time shes made a huge to do about being a party planner, and shes standing with a hired party planner.

What is this braided hair look Dorit is donning for rollerblading?

Erika flashbacks to photos from years ago, and she looks 10 years older in them! 
Now she looks younger than those photos!? 

Our suspicions about Eden Sassoon are confirmed.
EDEN IS COO COO.


She can’t date a guy because “He called me Type A!”
 …. um…. what type do you think you are?
“He chewed Nicorette gum after eating a cheeseburger!”
 …. um, he wasn’t smoking for you??
She is taking over Rinna’s role as the skinny betch commenting on Kim’s sobriety when she knows nothing on the subject matter.
I really don’t like when people behave where I am defending crazy Kim…. it makes me uncomfortable.

Erika Jayne’s performance in Mykonos is showing Mariah Carey how a lift is done!!!
I’m not talking about Mariah’s World this week, but last week (the last two weeks actually) she acts like a basic lift, with 4+ men lifting her, is the most difficult thing in the entire world to pull off.  
 It’s been driving me INSANE.
So watching Erika get hurled up there by her gays and flip around like it was nothing was a TOUCHE ERIKA JAYNE moment. 

Erika is EVERYTHING in Mykonos and I want to be a gay man whipping my hair back and forth in the Grecian breezes to XXpensive!

Back in Beverly Hills, Dorit is throwing that party she planned and executed all by her lonesome.  
Dorit turns to Erika the moment she walks in and says about her dress “this is a step up from the T-shirt dress.”  SERIOUSLY?

Phoenix’s baby nurse comes to present the child (seriously that is how it felt, “The Presenting of the Child….. PHOENIX!” cue Lion King music) in the chicest all white outfit ever.  I’m like um PEGGY girl get back here I want that.  It’s like the JCrew white shirt dress belted with a thin black belt and then white jeans underneath.
PEGGY.  You look amazing! You are some serious #FashionInspo and Dorit should take notes from you. Instead, Dorit is like PEGGY take the CHILD AWAY two seconds later. 

I want to know what is going on inside Eden’s brain.
 “I’m helping Kim down the stairs and she’s giving me NO-THING. Nothing.”
Wow. Eden. I mean…. what is she supposed to be “giving you?”  Her first born? 
 Between the cheeseburger/type-A date gone wrong and this, and your complaints about Kyle not being obsessed with you the moment she met you, I think we all know why you are single.
DAMN you are needy.

I mean, honestly Eden.
Kim can’t even say her brother-in-law’s name.  She calls him Maurice. 
I really wouldn’t put that much thought into it.
And Kim talking about being anxious for her grandson to arrive is not a step towards death and alcoholism!
And seriously, please stop making me defend Kim! It is not fun!


Don’t even me started on Lisa Rinna’s bag of pills, 

which is basically a bag of vitamins with some sleeping pills that she uses TO SLEEP, and Dorit running up to Vanderpump to switch from panty-gate gossip to “pulling out a bag of pills and putting them in smoothies” gate. 
and then she tries to accuse Vanderpump of overreacting and that it was a joke and to lighten up, when clearly she didn’t phrase it that way? 
but really… don’t even get me started. 


Check out this clip of Amy phillips as Dorit {clip}
it’s as wonderful as you would expect! 


:: GIGI MAKE UP COMMERCIAL :: 
Have you seen Gigi in her Maybelline commercial?
It is her face the whole time but a different model’s voice talking.
I never really thought about it until the commercial but her voice would DEFINITELY not work.
Can’t you just hear her saying all of it?
I feel this is really some commentary that only will register with the true TV addicts like myself….so I’ll stop there….. 

:: VANDERPUMP :: 
Oh how I missed Tom shaving his forehead.
Then his braid stylist arrives!
Just your typical man getting ready for his birthday!
James says the word “infiltrate”, thinks it isn’t a word because it sounds so foreign to him, and claims he made it up and now it’s a word.
Yep.

And I can’t even get started on Jax and his Roast and Britney’s mom being there for it.
THESE PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING. 

:: SUMMER HOUSE :: 
I’ve been forgetting to talk about this show every week! 
and the verdict is…..
I LOVE IT. 
Love it. Loved it since episode one.
There is something about New York + The Hamptons/Montauk and East Coast people in general that always intrigues me, so add the Bravo reality show edge to it and I am in! 
I think the thing that I like the most about this show is that the people seem generally…. normal and likable. 


The twins for example.  I really like them! They seem very sweet and fun and I would want to be friends with them.
Even Kyle, who at first I thought was going to be a Grade A D-Bag, especially with the “entrepreneur” job title, I really love! 






I mean, look at him???  But I love him! 

He actually does seem to work as an entrepreneur and is successful (to my knowledge) and he is really funny.  Sure, he’s hooking up with a bunch of girls and blah blah, but again, he seems like a nice guy and he has had some funny commentary.
I think Carl seems like a douche (the one the single Twin is after) but again, he at least seems like a decent person! With a job! 
FINALLY. 
It’s SUCH a nice change from Vanderpump and all that garbage. 
These people work hard with good jobs, would be mortified if they didn’t seem intelligent or successful or at least driven, and are (in general) nice to each other and supportive friends.
I could go on and on because I’m really enjoying it.  Obviously there’s drama and all of that on the show, but I’m really digging it.  
Everett seems seriously alarming when he is angry. 

That relationship is skidding of the tracks fast.  
Even watching them clean as a group and cook dinners and everything is a nice change from the trash going on over and Vanderpump.  Seriously.  How sad is that, that I am commenting on that? I watch the twins cleaning up after the big party that went until the wee hours of the morning and then making a big breakfast for everyone and its like YES THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. SURE, DRINK YOUR FACE OFF, BUT BE A FREAKING ADULT!  


editors note : not nuts about the new girl this week, Jaclyn the fit model.  she seemed like she’d fit in better with the LA crowd….. 

:: JACKHOLE :: 
Ya know what really grinds my gears? 
When you go the gas station to pump your gas, and the pump you get is the one that shuts off after like $5 dollars of gas, and when you try to pull the handle and keep it going it just keeps shutting off.
Without fail – EVERY time I get gas, this is the pump I end up at.
Am I doing something? Pumping gas isn’t brain surgery, so what is going on?
And I have given up with pulling to a different pump.  
 I just drive off. PEESED. 
….so I go to the gas station about every other day.
It’s driving me nuts. 

EDITORS NOTE : 

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  

#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.






gifs and images via giphy, ABC , E!, Real Housewives Tmblr, and Bravo 


US Weekly, Entertainment Weekly , YahooTV 


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