discuss amongst ya-selves……
:: THE BACHELOR ::
The champagne toast at the end of the ceremony is taken over by Corrine addressing the group with one of her pep talks, further making the girls want to lose their minds.
Chris announces they are leaving the house! And Heading to…….
they get to leave the sunny mansion and head to Wakeshna Wisconsin!
(sorry Wisconsin…..you’re all super nice and the town looked adorable… but I’d rather be on the beach….in all fairness if they had said “Atlanta” I would have been disappointed).
Kip was in town this week and was in the room while the show was on, and when Nick is talking with his parents in Wisconsin he said
” WAIT. THAT is his voice? He sounds like he’s talking through a kazoo.”
He really does have a horrible voice.
Um. Nick’s mom. Woah.
I wasn’t expecting a 50+ year old not dressing her age such a trendy lady for someone who has 11 kids.
She has all the check marks going for looking young and fresh :
asymmetrical short haircut, leather jacket, deep-v tank underneath.
come to think of it all of those could also be things that Kate, from John + Kate Plus 8, had too…..
and A NOSE RING. Never saw it coming.
Nick really needs to learn to stop crying. I’m all for an emotional man (but not really, because I’m emotional enough for 2, so it would never work) so crying is fine, but not crying at EVERYTHING.
Danielle (the one with the giant rack that is always on display,
not Danielle the 31 year old neonatal nurse) gets the one on one.
not Danielle the 31 year old neonatal nurse) gets the one on one.
On to the group date in Wisconsin : A Cow Farm!
How Wisconsin-y!
Bet the girls are taking back their squeals when Chris Harrison announced they were leaving the house now……
Corinne obviously has no part in this.
She can’t handle it! Her hands are about to fall off!
She doesn’t know how to do chores! She has a nanny for that crap, remember!?
editors note : I love hearing the dairy farmer say melk melk melk like my co-worker always did 🙂 surprisingly though, his accent is not that Wisconsin-strong at all.
Jaimi (the bi-sexual girl) and all of the “knowing how to handle the teets” commentary just kills me…. I love how they peg everyone on this show, and there was no way they were letting the bi-sexual girl out of this group date without several sound bites to use related to breasts and handling them.
Josephine is wearing a perfect outfit for today’s activities: white jeans and a crop top.
I’m not making fun of that outfit because she is shoveling poop in it, because she didn’t know thats what she would be doing, but I really love that when the weather requires a girl wear a puffer coat, she still has a little crop top and bare midriff underneath.
UM. My friend Cristin is a genius and made the best comparison on the face of the earth.
Josephine and Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus
Is she not her EXACT TWIN?!?
Could not be more spot on!
Is she not her EXACT TWIN?!?
Could not be more spot on!
Comment about Corinne not participating in the shoveling of manure :
“I don’t know if its the cow shit or the bull shit but I smell shit.”
“I don’t know if its the cow shit or the bull shit but I smell shit.”
GREAT LINE.
On to the night time portion of the date…..
Apparently everyone got wind that Nick’s mom is into black leather jackets, and that maybe men are attracted to women like their mother, so they ALL are wearing black leather jackets.
and for the most part, not even cute ones. They are all a severely cheap looking motorcycle style.
I love Corinne’s constant need to address the group of girls with speeches.
Apologizing for her napping through a rose ceremony:
“Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps”
right…. those are two names that would come to mind first?
Oh! And apparently she “almost had to go to the hospital because she lost circulation in her fingers” from shoveling the poop.
Riiiiiiight.
don’t leave Corinne…. it’s going to be so boring without you!
Raven gets the other one on one date and meets the fam on the soccer field!
Then they go roller skating.
As the song “Kiss Me” plays all I can think of is She’s All That …… and then I realize all of these girls are too young to have had that movie play a pivotal role in their lives.
They’ve never watched the red dress come down the stairs with the haircut to Freddie Prince Junior.
They probably don’t even know who Freddie Prince Junior is.
ITS A TRAVESTY.
Ur-sher yelling : PART LIKE THE RED SEA….. with that song that “Right about now….. the Funk show brother…..Check it out now……”
That movie was EVERYTHING.
Even the Jeopardy scene was Oscar worthy!
But I digress….. back to Raven eating dinner with Nick discussing her ex boyfriend.
Raven, perhaps you shouldn’t go into this much detail about your boyfriend cheating on you. You know what her vagina looks like? You beat him whilst nude with her stiletto?
Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party :
All of them are in these damn black leather jackets again
The psychoanalysis at the fire between corinne and Taylor is AMAZING.
Corinne says she “literally can’t even. literally. can’t even.”
DAMN….she’s using words I often use to explain my dismay in Coffee Talk.... I can’t use them anymore.
Also, Corinne ran a brush through her hair this week and looks 10x better. (She always looks pretty, but it literally looked like she hadn’t brushed her hair since stepping out of the limo until this week).
TO. BE. CONTINUED.
And WHATTAYA KNOW next week there is a two on one where someone gets sent home.
Who is picked for the two on one?
TAYLOR AND CORINNE
And what is the setting?
An alligator infested swampland jungle.
slow clap abc. slow. clap.
A reader clued me in to check out Us Magazine for a few tidbits about the girls:
Surprise, surprise.
No one is who they claim too be. It’s whoever the producers want them to be.
Corinne may “run a million dollar family business” (its a flooring company) but her job is “Miami-based-Model” apparently.
Taylor, the mental health professional, is an amateur underwear model.
SERIOUSLY??????
Vanessa, the Canadian special education teacher, has hosted Canadian talk shows and has been on 2 tv shows and is in the entertainment industry.
Danielle Lombard – the Danielle with the rack, not the Neonatal Nurse – was named Miss Hot Import Nights by an automotive company. I don’t even know what that necessarily means but I felt the need to include it.
All of this is hilarious.
:: RHOBH ::
I love how Dorit acts like she is such a party planner. This is the second time shes made a huge to do about being a party planner, and shes standing with a hired party planner.
What is this braided hair look Dorit is donning for rollerblading?
Erika flashbacks to photos from years ago, and she looks 10 years older in them!
Now she looks younger than those photos!?
Our suspicions about Eden Sassoon are confirmed.
EDEN IS COO COO.
She can’t date a guy because “He called me Type A!”
…. um…. what type do you think you are?
“He chewed Nicorette gum after eating a cheeseburger!”
…. um, he wasn’t smoking for you??
She is taking over Rinna’s role as the skinny betch commenting on Kim’s sobriety when she knows nothing on the subject matter.
I really don’t like when people behave where I am defending crazy Kim…. it makes me uncomfortable.
Erika Jayne’s performance in Mykonos is showing Mariah Carey how a lift is done!!!
I’m not talking about Mariah’s World this week, but last week (the last two weeks actually) she acts like a basic lift, with 4+ men lifting her, is the most difficult thing in the entire world to pull off.
It’s been driving me INSANE.
So watching Erika get hurled up there by her gays and flip around like it was nothing was a TOUCHE ERIKA JAYNE moment.
Erika is EVERYTHING in Mykonos and I want to be a gay man whipping my hair back and forth in the Grecian breezes to XXpensive!
Back in Beverly Hills, Dorit is throwing that party she planned and executed all by her lonesome.
Dorit turns to Erika the moment she walks in and says about her dress “this is a step up from the T-shirt dress.” SERIOUSLY?
Phoenix’s baby nurse comes to present the child (seriously that is how it felt, “The Presenting of the Child….. PHOENIX!” cue Lion King music) in the chicest all white outfit ever. I’m like um PEGGY girl get back here I want that. It’s like the JCrew white shirt dress belted with a thin black belt and then white jeans underneath.
PEGGY. You look amazing! You are some serious #FashionInspo and Dorit should take notes from you. Instead, Dorit is like PEGGY take the CHILD AWAY two seconds later.
I want to know what is going on inside Eden’s brain.
“I’m helping Kim down the stairs and she’s giving me NO-THING. Nothing.”
Wow. Eden. I mean…. what is she supposed to be “giving you?” Her first born?
Between the cheeseburger/type-A date gone wrong and this, and your complaints about Kyle not being obsessed with you the moment she met you, I think we all know why you are single.
DAMN you are needy.
I mean, honestly Eden.
Kim can’t even say her brother-in-law’s name. She calls him Maurice.
I really wouldn’t put that much thought into it.
And Kim talking about being anxious for her grandson to arrive is not a step towards death and alcoholism!
And seriously, please stop making me defend Kim! It is not fun!
Don’t even me started on Lisa Rinna’s bag of pills,
Don’t even me started on Lisa Rinna’s bag of pills,
which is basically a bag of vitamins with some sleeping pills that she uses TO SLEEP, and Dorit running up to Vanderpump to switch from panty-gate gossip to “pulling out a bag of pills and putting them in smoothies” gate.
and then she tries to accuse Vanderpump of overreacting and that it was a joke and to lighten up, when clearly she didn’t phrase it that way?
but really… don’t even get me started.
Check out this clip of Amy phillips as Dorit {clip}
it’s as wonderful as you would expect!
:: GIGI MAKE UP COMMERCIAL ::
Have you seen Gigi in her Maybelline commercial?
It is her face the whole time but a different model’s voice talking.
I never really thought about it until the commercial but her voice would DEFINITELY not work.
Can’t you just hear her saying all of it?
I feel this is really some commentary that only will register with the true TV addicts like myself….so I’ll stop there…..
:: VANDERPUMP ::
Oh how I missed Tom shaving his forehead.
Then his braid stylist arrives!
Just your typical man getting ready for his birthday!
James says the word “infiltrate”, thinks it isn’t a word because it sounds so foreign to him, and claims he made it up and now it’s a word.
Yep.
And I can’t even get started on Jax and his Roast and Britney’s mom being there for it.
THESE PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.
:: SUMMER HOUSE ::
I’ve been forgetting to talk about this show every week!
and the verdict is…..
I LOVE IT.
Love it. Loved it since episode one.
There is something about New York + The Hamptons/Montauk and East Coast people in general that always intrigues me, so add the Bravo reality show edge to it and I am in!
I think the thing that I like the most about this show is that the people seem generally…. normal and likable.
The twins for example. I really like them! They seem very sweet and fun and I would want to be friends with them.
Even Kyle, who at first I thought was going to be a Grade A D-Bag, especially with the “entrepreneur” job title, I really love!
I mean, look at him??? But I love him!
He actually does seem to work as an entrepreneur and is successful (to my knowledge) and he is really funny. Sure, he’s hooking up with a bunch of girls and blah blah, but again, he seems like a nice guy and he has had some funny commentary.
I think Carl seems like a douche (the one the single Twin is after) but again, he at least seems like a decent person! With a job!
FINALLY.
It’s SUCH a nice change from Vanderpump and all that garbage.
These people work hard with good jobs, would be mortified if they didn’t seem intelligent or successful or at least driven, and are (in general) nice to each other and supportive friends.
I could go on and on because I’m really enjoying it. Obviously there’s drama and all of that on the show, but I’m really digging it.
Everett seems seriously alarming when he is angry.
That relationship is skidding of the tracks fast.
Even watching them clean as a group and cook dinners and everything is a nice change from the trash going on over and Vanderpump. Seriously. How sad is that, that I am commenting on that? I watch the twins cleaning up after the big party that went until the wee hours of the morning and then making a big breakfast for everyone and its like YES THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. SURE, DRINK YOUR FACE OFF, BUT BE A FREAKING ADULT!
editors note : not nuts about the new girl this week, Jaclyn the fit model. she seemed like she’d fit in better with the LA crowd…..
editors note : not nuts about the new girl this week, Jaclyn the fit model. she seemed like she’d fit in better with the LA crowd…..
:: JACKHOLE ::
Ya know what really grinds my gears?
When you go the gas station to pump your gas, and the pump you get is the one that shuts off after like $5 dollars of gas, and when you try to pull the handle and keep it going it just keeps shutting off.
Without fail – EVERY time I get gas, this is the pump I end up at.
Am I doing something? Pumping gas isn’t brain surgery, so what is going on?
And I have given up with pulling to a different pump.
I just drive off. PEESED.
….so I go to the gas station about every other day.
It’s driving me nuts.
EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.
#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.
gifs and images via giphy, ABC , E!, Real Housewives Tmblr, and Bravo
US Weekly, Entertainment Weekly , YahooTV
Great post, I love Thursdays for this reason 🙂
Please tell me that you know what kind of food Corinne from bach was eating in the show and on your post. I mean, she was packing those IN! Also, the side by side from Cristin is brilliant, but who is the person on the right? I loooove me some bachelor!
Thanks Chrstina! Just updated it! It's Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus!!
and I was wondering the same thing… I had thought pigs in a blanket but I have no idea??
I totally feel you on the getting gas situation. I had the same problem and ended up taking my car to the dealer after a month. They had to clean the gas tank (no idea?) and now it works fine.
Also, you're SO spot on about Josephine!!! Coffee Talk makes my morning SO much better!
My biggest regret in life so far is that I haven't been named Miss Hot Import Nights by an automotive company. And what does shoveling poop have to do with dating anyone??? It really angered me and for the first…only time..I agreed with Corinne. However, the loss of circulation was hilarious. The only person I hate as much as Dorit is effing PK. Vanderpump Rules is sadly disappointing this season. Katie and her stupid Delia's clothes circa 1996 kill me. Oh and Eden…. sheesh. xxooxo