coffee talk Archives - Page 27 of 45

:: coffee talk ::

March 24, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

:: DWTS ::

my current favorite is Nyle, the deaf winner of Americas Next Top Model, and Peta.

I was blown away. I can’t imagine having that rhythm and dancing that well when you can’t feel the beat or hear a thing. it was incredible.

and poor micha…… oh boy… it was not good.

during DWTS I saw a KITTY LITTER commercial starring

Katherine Heigl.

I meannnnn….. I know ‘anything goes’ these days….

i.e. Lisa Rinna and Brooke Burke in Depends commercials and such….

but….

:: A-Rod ::

Hell hath frozen over…..

because A-Rod is dating a smart, rich, silicon valley tech CEO and biologist.

:: katy perry and orlando bloom ::

I meannnnnnn geez y’all.

get a room.

and also, my apologies for this photo because when I looked at it I realized it was perhaps graphic…..I was like ‘wait a minute… is that what I think…..’

which then made me realize I definitely couldn’t erase it and it had to stay.

you’re welcome.

:: Stop. Please. Thank you ::

can we just stop with naked selfies in the internet.

please?

even if they are a joke or making fun of other celebs naked selfies.

just put clothes on people. for real.

now THAT photo I was too embarrassed to post on here….. so you can just click.

:: RHOBH ::

All I cared about finding out this week was what do these women wear in Dubai…..

especially Erica Jayne… but Bravo made me wait for it…..

we start at the global alliance dinner, honoring Yolanda, we get a real treat!

tommy hilfigers daughter Ally Hilfiger

who starred on one of THE BEST TV SHOWS EVER

Rich Girls.

If you are around my age ~~(TWENTY TWO?)~~, please tell me you loved this show.

if you need a refresher of Ally’s words of wisdom check here

Oh, and Gigi gave a beautiful speech introducing her mother,

but, like, Ally talked, and I was busy having a flashback remembering her gems of wisdom.

then, the worst human in the housewives franchise re-appears…. climbing out of her car in white ~~underwear~~ short-shorts and looking classy as ever.

and then in her “commentary/diary outfit”, she is dressed like a girl out of Austin Powers’ Goldmember ?

she makes childish, bitchy, un-funny comments during her few minutes on air, and I hope we are done with her because I JUST CAN’T.

ugh. get off the show brandi.

um, WHAT is this Delta One thing?

As a layover to Dubai, the women fly to Atlanta.

Then they walk off the plan into Porsche’s waiting to take them across the tarmac to the next plane?

WTF!?

I’m in the Atlanta airport constantly…. I’ve never even heard of this thing!

and I know I’m not rich enough to partake in said service, but come on! we little people should know about the fancy amazing things like this that we are missing out on!

OK! So they make it to Dubai!

This whole time I go back and forth in my thoughts from “no way would I ever travel that far to go to a place where I could be jailed for a gazillion things and required to wear a MuMu at all times” then to “LOOK AT THAT HOTEL! OH MY GOSH! LOOK AT THE ROOM! IT’S MY DREAM TO GO TO DUBAI!!”

How in the world does Kathryn end up rooming with Erica Jayne???

and why does Kathryn wear a short dress the first night when they are all wearing full body caftans? you drive me nuts Kathryn!

Erica Jayne he constantly amazes me with her mentality of “oh okay whatever you insult me at home, lie behind my back, throw me under the bus, etc etc….”

hasthag I love erica jayne. no way would I be cool with rooming with her after all the BS she pulled over and over again leading up to this.

but then I see that their hotel rooms are the size of shopping malls and I realize they aren’t sharing a full size bed like my girlfriends and I when we stay at a hotel and can perhaps not even see one another.

THIS HOTEL. I JUST CANT.

We see Kyle and Lisa’s “room” for 40K a night (WHO IS PAYING FOR ALL THIS?!)

and then it gets better when we see the UNDERWATER ROOM.

the water room is apparently a mere 8K per night

the ladies are like “oh hows your basement Eileen? are you claustrophobic?”

UM. NO. IT’S THREE FREAKING FLOORS.

WITH A GIANT AQUARIUM WALL.

IT’S HEAVEN!

read more and see more pics of their rooms on Bravo, or be a creep like me and go to the hotels website and stalk.

Alright that’s it. Gimme a Burka betches…… I’m moving to Dubai.

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

images: bravo, giphy. gifsoup

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

March 17, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

unfortunately it’s quick edition of coffee talk this week.

because we are working on yet another home project….insert giant eye roll.

I can’t even discuss it for fear this one will go bad.

I just am reeaallll nervous. All this chaos is killing me and my brain is like WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? You didn’t eff up the kitchen cabinets, just stop while you’re ahead!

so I’m busy moving piles of crap from one spot to another before there is no looking back tomorrow morning.

right when I get the place looking good again after kitchen-cabinet-apalooza-2016 {pics to come…. um… next week?}

now this…. I. Just. Can’t.
I’m looking at my husbands desk in our bedroom as I type this and thats all I can say about the matter.

:: BACHELOR ::

I just can’t get over how Ben could not have led JoJo on more.

But she’s the real winner because ~~she’s not engaged to a stranger who cries more than her~~ no way would those two have been the ideal match.

Also, so painful that they make the reject girl hop out of the helicopter and start proclaiming her love first, and then he’s like I love you BUTTTT….. no.

I think him and Lauren are the right match and that they actually could make it to the aisle…. I wonder how tight his tux pants will be? Can’t you just picture the teeny little jacket and skinny-bitty little tie to match his skinny pants?

I sure can.

So then we ruin an additional hour of our lives with After The Final Rose.
I mean, I already watched 45 hours too many of this crap, why stop now?!

When Chris introduces “the best bachelor of all time” (um, whats your criteria here Chris? Because by standards, Juan Pablo can’t be touched)
Ben walks out and does like the dad cheering at a kids tee-ball game fist pumping/lawn mower WOO HOO motion I want to die FOR HIM.
ohhhhh my gosh. no. just no ben. no.

I couldn’t find a video but this is basically the closest thing.
so clearly he does this sort of thing A. LOT.

if it doesn’t load click here because you just must see it. with sound.

HANDS OVER EYES I SERIOUSLY CAN’T.

it’s almost as awful as Ben proposing for a second time to Lauren in front of her family and live audience.

It doesn’t make up for the fact that the world knows you didn’t know who the first proposal would be to, but aw how cute.

I MEAN LETS JUST TALK ABOUT THE NEXT SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE!

JoJo! Hallelujah. ~~sorry I’m not sorry,~~
It just would have been the most boring thing in the world with Caila and you know it.

Lauren looks the best she has ever looked with the long wavy hair and that white dress.

she seriously looks ah-mazing.

The SNL Skit last weekend with Lace’s legit Doppleganger, Cecily Strong, was spot on.

:: vanderpump rules ::

I’m really sad to be saying goodbye to all of these horrible ~~kids~~ 30+ year old waiters and waitresses.

lala’s hair and outfit for this engagement party is insanity.

it’s only topped by the words that come out of her mouth, and the way she licked her straw at the Sur after party that I am still trying to remove from my brain.
but don’t worry there were plenty more breasts to go around….

Stassi looked amazing. She wins for look of the night hands down.

ps I love that ratchet is, like, a compliment to these people.

Lala is like a Whore? MY GOOODNESS NO! but Ratchet? YES PLEASE!
I just had to google the spelling of this “word” before finding the James image so I’m patting myself on the back.

side note : Lisa really didn’t let anyone use her bathrooms…..

…… smart lady. don’t let those germs anywhere near your toilet seats.

:: jersey shore ::

UM are RAHN and SAHM back together?!

STAHP. please let this be true.

:: the voice ::

I’ve never watched a full season but this year I’ve been watching and I’m super into it.
I get it.

But really, Adam, what is going on with the Miley hair?

:: jackholes ::

chris harrison and ABC and all of it. always. every year.

we have to kick of three hours of BS for what is really only 30 minutes of new footage with you pretending that a wedding is happening?

just lock it up. this is so stupid.
let’s stick to reality and normalcy : people getting engaged to practical strangers when they were in love with someone else 12 hours before. come on now!

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

images via: Giphy, ABC, Bravo

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

March 10, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: DWTS ::

one of my all time faves Dancing With The Stars is almost back for it’s new season.

when I heard Mischa Barton was on this seasons cast, I was super excited.

I really hope she has some kind of skill because hopefully this can be a turning point for her

*for those of you laughing at DWTS being a turning point for her career, UM YEAH

it can be. respect the D-list to B-list powers of DWTS*

:: bachelor : the women tell all ::

I had high hopes for the Women Tell All… it’s always such a big night before finale night… but it just wasn’t that interesting if ya ask me. I think I’ve seen too many “most dramatic ____ in Bachelor history” that my expectations can be too high…. I was looking a Juan Pablo Women Tell All or a Jason Picks the Reject After The Final Rose…. but alas, not much was there.

damn I miss Michael Kors on Project Runway

and seriously why is the chicken getting more air time than anyone here? when they aren’t talking about the chicken or panning to the chicken, the chicken is in the background of the key girls shots while they talk. huh? this was SUCH a weak Women Tell All that A CHICKEN had to be a main character?

10 bucks that girl and the damn chicken are in Paradise…..

WHY is the Canadian chick that was barely on this show chiming in every two seconds

I love when the girl calls her out “YOU WERENT THERE JAMI”

QUIT TRYING TO GET AIR TIME JAMI.

YOU’RE CHANCE AT 7 MINUTES OF FAME AND BACHELOR IN PARADISE ARE OVER JAMI.

and good lord put your breasts back in your dress.

Olivia had tears in her eyes the whole time

I actually felt really bad for her. She seemed embarrassed and affected by everything…. and then she said despite all the things being said all over the internet about her that the mouth stuff was funny.

YEAH GIRL. it is. Good for you for having sense of humor about that at least.

but you’re still crazy and were mean….

i loved the blooper where becca says chris instead of ben 🙂 go girl. show em how much you dont care about the rejection

of course lace is going to paradise, and of course i will be watching

the rumors are swirling about caila being the next bachelorette….

if caila is the next bachelorette I will LOSE IT

she is too nice and sweet and normal and this would be AWFULLLLL.

but she really didn’t smile the whole episode like I predicted….. I was way off….

and Ben, I’m glad you’re so confident about marrying the girl you picked TOMORROW.

because it looks like when you were getting engaged TOMORROW you still had no idea who you would be engaged to.

THESE POOR GIRLS! I already feel so bad for the runner up!

unless its JoJo and she becomes the Bachelorette!!!!!

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

:: vanderpump rules ::

Katie just walks right up to Lisa and is like “hey! you know where we’d love to have our engagement party? your house!”

yeah, no crap, her mansion would be a lovely place, but that’s not how this works. manners for days with these sur kids.

So, Kristin and James meet for dinner + drink (well James is ‘sober’ so just more drinks for Kristin)

James: “I’m ready to be the guy my mom raised me to be”

just stop talking about your mom. period. we are still trying to get the gross stuff out of our heads from last week.

Oh my gosh their spat tonight at dinner reminded me that I don’t think I ever commented on the fight at the Pucker + Pout blog party, where he went to be like ‘I love and miss you’ and confess his love, and two seconds after she is like “um I came here with someone” he starts screaming and cussing her out and calling her a whore…..

the two of them are just nuts.

so, of course, after last nights meet up, they “bone” as they like to call it.

i really need to believe in myself the way that kristin does.

she TRULY thinks she is the biggest “Catch” in the world.

when the gang attends a Turtle Race (californians. seriously.), we learn that katie slept with kristen’s current boyfriend before she started dating tom…. and since these people CANNOT talk to or sleep with anyone that isnt somehow part of the incetual sur family this results in ZERO shock whatsoever.

Jax takes Brittany on a date specifically to stare at the way-too-big-she-should-have-gotten-Cs-like-she-wanted boobs that he bought.

Tom says the only smart comment he has ever said, and also said with great sarcasm.

about Jax being shocked and appalled that Brittany wants to get married someday

“Jax moved her out from Kentucky, bought her boobs, tells her he loves her, and now she has the nerve to ask about the possibility of marriage some day?”

I honestly thought after he said it that a producer must have fed it to him because he has zero ability to be funny on his own

Tom, the one that shaves his forehead, tapes his bands music video, and I can’t even begin to explain the video because I just can’t.

Also, how long have I been watching TV, because the chorus of this song is seriously catchy and I’m thinking I like it….

SOS. SEND HELP.

jax’s jail comments on the way to the airport to report to Hawaii for his felony charges are just so perfectly Jax and spot on.

“People keep asking me if I’m nervous about jail, but, I feel like I’m already in jail in my apartment.”

and he loops it all back in the same sentence to brittany moving in too quick somehow.

he seriously just manipulates everything — yeah, theft is totally looped back to brittany, damn I can’t believe her!!!

:: WWHL ::

my-boyfriend-andy-cohen had the 4 vanderpump rules girls on after this weekend episode, and I’ve got to say, I agree with him that they all looked possibly the best they have ever looked.

UM when did kristen get a boob job?

where have I been?

those have NOT been in existence in the past.

did she see jax’s on-speed-dial plastic surgeon ????

I get so excited whenever Kristen is going to be on WWHL.

for a lot of reasons, really. but probably not what you think.

watching her watch herself in the monitors is UNREAL. more than anyone else that I have ever seen on the show, she just stares at herself. she does a full blown fake laugh and smile and spends the whole 30 minutes playing the persona of “crazy free Kristen”.

she looks and acts so damn ridiculous.

this week was especially good because there were the 3 other girls on with her too, so she thought maybe there wasn’t as much attention on her and she really went for it.

before my-boyfriend-andy-cohen even finished the last word of his first joke she was already fake laughing like it was just HI-larious.

:: RHOBH ::

the dinner party at Erika Jayne’s would have been some serious drama IF they hadn’t played it out entirely differently in the commercials….

it was not at ALL what they led you to think it was with the incessant previews and that really drives me nuts.

erika’s husband saying “you have to leave” wasn’t being yelled at katherine, it was being said to LVP when she had already said she needed to go.

he was basically being like “UH Ok Kathryn won’t stop talking let me try to get you out of here because you said you had to go 10 minutes ago, so you need to leave”

my goodness…..eeerrrrrr so annoying.

and I am just so done with Kathryn.

done.

adios. after the reunion taping let’s see ya never.

even your housewives-hot-husband of the year can’t save your spot on that sofa lady.

(and I bet my-boyfriend-andy-cohen is PEESEDDD about that one. he’s probably reason #1 she got cast in the first place.)

it starts with multiple jabs at Rinna about not eating…. and one comment that actually is funny would be fine, but it’s like, you aren’t being funny at all so just knock it off. the only person that needs to “get a sense of humor” is you. no one is laughing at you.

then she talk and talks and talks and talks and everyone wants to plug their ears and shake their heads back and forth.

in response to her tattling on erika to LVP about the “web” hurting their future friendships she says “no it will not”.

Um. YES it will, and its not your decision, Erika’s already done with you lady.

then she informs Erika that she “is losing this argument.”

Um.

How much wine have you had? And can we get you a muzzle?

The only thing I really enjoy about Erika’s husband Tom during all of this is when he says “Is this how all of you act all the time?”

I can so see my husband, and any rational human, thinking the exact same thing if they were at a housewives dinner. Like, um, what is going on here? Aren’t you all, like, 40-50 years old?

But otherwise, Tom makes me uncomfortable.

I’m with Kyle that my husband would tell me to shush all of NEVER before his ass would be handed to him on a platter 🙂

However, I respect that Erika knows what she’s in and whats expected of their relationship and of her, and clearly she is okay with it. I don’t think she’ll allow any one else to tell her what to do, but it seems like they have some kind of understanding, so who am I to judge their relationship

(oh wait…. a blogger who talks about everyone on Bravo in detail…. thats right….)

but seriously. she’s a grown ass woman who does whatever the hell she wants including dress in sheer nonexistent clothing and perform at clubs, so they must have some kind of understanding and ground rules between them? whatever floats her boat.

#teamerikajaynealldayeveryday

and then the icing on the Go-Away-Kathryn-Cake is that she says that she started ALL of this Shey*te just to get a reaction out of Erika.

oh girl. you don’t know who you are messing with it.

don’t poke the bear that is Erika Jane.

and then Eileen and Rinna meet up at the beach and Rinna JUST WONT STOP with the Yolanda stuff.

(and Eileen, God love ya, immediately cuts it off with ‘I’m not going there’.)

Ughhhhhhh. Please. Stop. It. You are making me so mad!!!!

AND OH EM GEE.

I need to send a thousand thank you’s to a reader for commenting about Rinna’s armpits in her commentary shots. I don’t know have I never commented on it before because I am always thinking about it when I see it.

There is not one ounce of fat on that woman body, and I’d kill for a bod like that, and I am going to hell in a hand basket, but my goodness girl put on some sleeves because that armpit situation is straight up MESSED UP. What is going on back there??? I can’t peel my eyes away from it!!!

:: jackhole of the week ::

mariah.

quit acting like you STILL don’t know who my girl JLo is!

over you.

Ok my eyes are crossing….. I’m scared because I feel like I just typed A LOT and the few things I went through and corrected made ZERO sense the way that I originally had them…..

…… soooooo good luck + Godspeed deciphering the rest of it!!

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

March 3, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: THE BACHELOR ::

I was really hoping to be super into Ben when the season started because I like em tall and brunette and he seemed like a nice ~~boy~~ man…… but now I just think he is a nice and boring boy who really needs to learn to leave the tight shorts to his girlfriends and who does not have much of a personality and has the worst tat on the left side of his body and who isn’t very masculine in any of his mannerisms and watching him simply walking on the beach this week made me want to tell him to WALK LIKE A MAN.

like…. even in this picture above….. I can’t…..

but ya know….. I like everyone so….. he’s great.

so this week, caila – aka smiles mcgee – gets sent home

I never saw it coming…. I mean, they floated down a creepy river on a handmade jungle raft in seriously disturbing scenery (is it just me or was there nothing romantic about that?) in silence. her hair, as always, was insanely amazing. the rest was awful.

ben’s eyes also look like they are slowly closing and he is falling asleep when she confesses her love through her permanent grin.

if anyone has the opposite of resting bitch face, it’s her.

which is such a great thing – she’s so nice and positive and more people should be like her – but it just perplexes me to no end.

caila also got the crappiest fantasy suite room compared to the other girls. like, by FAR.

I know, right? you should be upset!!

ben talks about lauren b and his love at first sight with her.

yeah, I bet any man would say it was love at first sight if he saw jorts that short with ass cheek hanging out running in his direction.

and rescuing sea turtles of course turns into a huge metaphor about his journey and love and life with a future wife and blah de blah de blah……

but no really, this sea turtle date is the best date in bachelor history.

he says I love you to Lauren because he just contain himself in front of the girl who is ‘too good for him’.

jojo’s celeb doppleganger is legit isla fisher

I CANNOT believe he says I love you to both girls!!!

AHHHH.

even jojo is like wait, are you, wait….. are you allowed to say that? what? have you seen this show? this isn’t allowed? I’m confused?

she is practically looking at the camera man and producer like ‘do we need to reshoot this scene?’

now, whomever he breaks up with is going to be so devastated because I’m sure they think they are ‘the one’. also, whomever he proposes to is going to be like ‘great you were in love with someone else and didn’t even know who you were going to propose to at the last minute!!!! this is a great start to our 6-12 month relationship’.

So, my money is on Lauren B.

I also think that Jojo would be the top choice for the next Bachelorette – out of any of the final girls she wins hands down for personality, and I mean….. I guess she is kinda good looking…..

ALSO,

general comment for the whole season that I have been meaning to make.

these girls all seriously wear no clothes. its like crop top here, short shorts there, sheer fabric everywhere.

they can pull it off and pull it off well, so go for it, but I’m just like seriously girls…

ugh…. can you tell I’m so close to 30 its not even funny? #momthoughtmoments

most exciting, it is The Women Tell All on Monday!!!

ahhhhhh im so excited

and then the following week,

the episode where ben cries far more than the rejected woman

and most likely calls his mom……

none of these people are ready to get married.

:: CELEBRITY POSING VIDEO ::

this college humor video with rita wilson was good for a laugh

:: RHOBH ::

bullet points for this weeks episode:

* Kathryn clearly has never had girlfriends before because she does not understand the art of keeping her pie hole shut, but instead spills the beans the first chance she gets about who was saying what behind Vanderpumps back. Lock it up.

* I love Erika because she owns her sh*t and doesn’t deny anything or dance around it like everyone else on these damn shows.

* Kathryn saying she “assumed it could be repeated”?? Stop it. She says “If you didn’t know I would repeat things, then that’s on you.”

WHAT!!!

Adios Kathryn…. you’re time here is done. Thanks for playing.

* I miss David Foster and Yolanda making the hugest deal about their musical guests. They really always ARE the biggest deal in the world, but them proclaiming it and displaying the person like Simba in the Lion King never fails to crack me up.

…. and Baby Face was more fun because he got into the drama….

* I’m on Team Eileen in the annoyance with Lisa Rinna.

Rinna is making me mad by acting all “what could Erika possibly mean saying those things about Vanderpump?”

oh PUH-LEASE.

you’re afraid of vanderpump too now?

what happened to your balls Rinna?

I am so disappointed you!

(not to mention the things she said last week on Jenny McCarthys show…. I MEAN CLOSE YOUR LIPS YOU HAVE DAUGHTERS!!! AND PEOPLE WATCHING THIS. I CANT.)

* Kim came back….. Kyle cried…..They love wanting to sweep everything under the rug…. I just can’t with Kim…..

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

Does Lisa Vanderpump know of a thing called DIRECT DEPOSIT?

These servers have to drive all the way to work on a day off to collect a paycheck? WTF?

Tequila Katie’s 4 hour text rant to Little Tom makes even the craziest drunk fight with a boyfriend when you were younger seem civilized. Holy Crap Katie. Lay off the Tequila. And who has the energy to text for four hours when drunk?? Most people FALL ASLEEP.

She is so happyy to see Stassi grovel, although I can’t blame her.

katie says the apologies are ‘too little too late’

The messed up friendship dynamics of this group is insane. Between Kristin being back in, people furious at Tom and Ariana for being upset about Kristin being back in, Stassi trying to get back in, Scheana flipping out about not being someones BFF because of people getting back in, Jax not wanting anyone back in, …. you’d think these people were 14 years old not 30+.

Ohhhhh my gosh. The entire scene with James and his Pulled-Within-An-Inch-Of-Her-Life-Mom is HORRIFYING and explains oh so much.

He basically says he can’t get over Kristin because she is just like his mom…. the mom is acting drunk (or is a drunk he seems to claim….and possibly getting drunk in this scene) and is all over the place with her emotions. She is exactly as unstable as Kristin Doute. It’s almost as if mother and son are flirting with each other and it is so creepy. She makes comments like her being a dirty bitch and her dream for him being a calvin klein underwear model.

I just can’t….

:: NEW DVR’s ::

you know how I had mentioned that none of ~~our~~ my shows were taping?

and that our cable box kept saying that any channel was “not in our package”?

so they had to come out and replace all of our boxes….. and I had some good sheeyite stored on those things!

imagine how much time it is taking to go through and set season passes for ALL of ~~our~~ my shows?

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

February 25, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

:: BACHELOR ::

oh, hometowns. the dates where we get to see the people who bred the crazy betches.

always a good time.

first up, amanda ‘teen mom’ hometown.

I don’t know which had my jaw drop to the floor longer – gladiator sandals or ben’s damn tight pants in the intro, to then be followed by his damn tight SHORTS on the beach to meet amanda and her kids.

BEN. there are ~~children present~~ millions of americans with eyeballs who do not need to see your pasty man thighs.

LOCK IT UP.

and then I was just in physical pain thinking about amanda’s poor little girls feet after playing on the beach in GLADIATOR SANDALS.

huh?

first of all, why are these even made for those little legs? I feel like my husband commenting on people putting their small dogs in outfits, but seriously, this is just not right or necessary.

your child can be a fashionista without gladiator sandals. especially on sand. I just can’t.

only in orange county I suppose.

ANYWAYS, I love Amanda and she deserves a 10 – but this is just never gonna happen.

next up, Lauren B.

lauren b’s hometown is hands down the best.

they eat at a bunch of food trucks and then go to a really pretty liquor bar.

YES. PLEASE.

this is how my any normal human falls in love.

how pissed would you be if you were on this show and never called your name the entire time, but instead your name with an initial, even when NO ONE ELSE named Lauren is left and I can’t even tell you what other chick was named Lauren if my life depended on it.

oh wait, as I type that, I think it was the chick with really good hair? but WHO CARES just call her Lauren ABC!

I guess being called Lauren B. is a better alternative than being called “baby lolo”.

lauren’s family wins the most normal award with that rare exception of baby lolo commentary.

ugh.

and ben…. seriously….

I have never seen a grown ass man cry this much. Except perhaps Jason Mesnick’s season, where he enjoys hurling himself over a balcony crying.

but instead you even cry when answering simple questions like what is it you like about my sister.

Ben, I’m a cryer, and I’m looking at you like you’re crazy

date with Caila.

stop saying Mommy and Daddy Caila! ahhhh!

editors note : these two are perfect for each other

the way she talks has officially began to make me crazy. her speech is affected and she talks as though she is speaking to a four year old about something a four year old would get excited about but that the rest of the grown adult population wouldn’t blink twice at.

ya know what I mean?

perfectly nice family I’m sure, but the mommy and daddy talk combined with the toy factory stuff and a million other things are making me feel uncomfortable.

actually…. perhaps its that caila kind of talks like a child, got all excited about coloring and building toy houses, and calls her parents mommy and daddy repeatedly….

yeah I think I know why my like for her dissipated this week…..

the date with JoJo kicks off with flowers….. from her ex boyfriend.

hmmmmm….. how did her ex boyfriend know what day she would be home from filming and at her apartment at the exact hour she waits for Ben to arrive?

these producers are shady as hell. Lifetime’s show UnReal, the bachelor-mockery-scripted show, has got it RIGHT.

when I saw the preview for hometowns last week, I immediately recognized JoJo’s hot brother from Ready For Love, because I am psychotic and have an insane mental capacity for storing BS.

Ready For Love was an NBC show created by Eva Longoria that I was in love with, that no one else in the world watched and was cancelled mid-season out of nowhere, and the rest of it played out online on Hulu. Who made sure to watch every single week on Hulu after it got cancelled?

THIS GUY.

It was great. And Shaindy, the crazy ex-miss USA, whom I also psychotically recognized immediately when SHE appeared on THAT reality show, made it ten times better.

BUT I DIGRESS.

hot brother was all about judging ben for being on a reality dating show and dating a bunch of women, and he should!

hot brother only started with like 10 or 15 girls not 25 so he is completely classy and a step above this Ben guy trying to date his sister who cries about all of his dates all day long.

we all know who I would pick for the win this week. ~~JoJo.~~ JoJo’s Mom.

Her mom chugs champagne straight from the bottle in the kitchen.

So, her family meets my requirements.

I love how calm Amanda is about her getting dumped. She’s like whatever you aren’t good enough for me anyway, but hey you know what would have been nice, telling me back at home so I didn’t have to leave my daughters and have someone else try to lace up their gladiator sandals because its really difficult to do.

More importantly, we are SO CLOSE to The Women Tell All.

I can’t wait until I can see even just the preview for it!

:: RHOBH ::

this week’s episode, I don’t really have that much to say about.

(except the ending was awkward and Lisa Vanderpump lit-tra-lee cannot ever be apologetic for anything. anything.

but yes, all you LVP lovers ‘Eileen is too emotional blah blah blah’. true, but the only thing Eileen is guilty of is wearing the most hideous dress to ever be seen in RHOBH history to erica jane’s BBQ last week)

i digress,

the previews for the rest of the season I’m like WOAH HEY DAMN WOAH HEY NOW.

there’s sheyite coming from everyone, at everyone, to anyone.

I’m scared.

can’t wait.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

I’ve decided that Britanny, Jax’s adorable but must be dumb as rocks girlfriend to be with Jax must be using him just as much as he uses her and walks all over her.

No one, I pray, is stupid enough to put up with all of the stuff he puts her through, and risk getting every STD in the books, unless they are getting something.

She must want some Bravolebrity Fame and I guess she also wanted some boobs.

One of the more repulsive things to witness Jax do (I mean not really in the grand scheme of Jax, but still, for a normal person its awful) is watching him tell her what size breasts to get and tell her what to do to her body and tell her that if he is paying for them he is getting what he wants.

these people are SICKKKK.

but this show is sickeningly good. and I watch it sooooo…… I know I know, I’m sick. just in a different way then them. so I’ll live with myself.

highlight of this week was watching Ariana and Kristin having a bitch fight about HOW SERIOUSLY THEY TAKE SKETCH COMEDY.

(cue me, crying laughing, its just SO. DAMN. GOOD.)

ariana is PEEEEESED that kristin did sketch comedy the other night. and she didn’t see it, but it wasn’t even funny.

“I take sketch comedy very seriously, so it offends me when people think they can just do it.”

oh no wait wait wait wait!!

perhaps the highlight was James!

“I’m working on a Pump CD. It’s basically 10 songs composed, written and produced by me. It’s pretty much my greatest accomplishment I’ve done in my life yet. I’m very ambitious and talented in what I’m doing. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I’m the white f**king Kanye West.”

excuse me while I wipe the stream of tears off my cheeks from crying laughing

….. oh my gosh this show is just too good.

:: MAZEL ::

to the final 4 this week on the bachelor.

did you see how they all smiled at each other when they walked in and you could tell they wanted to talk but the @$$hole producers don’t let them talk until later?

they’re all so nice and nice to each other this season!

it’s refreshing.

now if only ben would stop crying……

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

February 11, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: the bachelor ::

the episode kicks off with olivia’s “come at me bro” in the strangest inflection ever.

and then the “we hate olivia” theme from last week continues in full force.

olivia is just, like, SO over being around the other girls and explains to ben that they don’t like her because she “wants to talk smart things” not about whatever the heck they talk about whilst painting their nails.

the date with caila makes no sense.

she says she loves him? but then says she knows she is going to break up w him? or something?

but I like that she’s basically saying “I’m just not that into you” and Ben interprets it as things going great…..

when the girls go on the group date to pig island, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at anything on this show.

I was rewinding and uncontrollably laughing my head off.

seriously watch this video and tell me you aren’t dying,

and then leah, the girl who never gets a date or attention, who you feel bad for in the beginning of the episode even though you’ve never seen her before and have no idea what her name is because she’s had zero air time, starts acting like Jubes before Jubes got kicked off.

when she gets attention, she is pissed off or short with him or uses it to talk smack about the other girls.

always a great idea!!

you know she’s done for… the girls that use the alone time to bitch talk the others are always the next to go.

“i dont want to name names or anything Ben…… BUT LAUREN B”

for how dramatic everything with Olivia was this season, her dismissal left me needing more!!

yes, she said she loved him and she got the boot on the two on one date right after this confession, but we didn’t get to see her freaking out or any big dramatic break down! it was just her on the island in the rain solo! it all “looked” dramatic , stranded on the island in the pouring rain, but I wanted to hear what crazy pants had to say and there was no post-breakup meltdown interview in a limo! damn!

guess we’ll have to wait until she gets ripped a new one at The Women Tell All.

I must say, I was SHOCKED he kept the twin and sent olivia home after constantly handing her the roses on all of the dates.

plus, the twin is straight up crazy pants.

like, she is so emotionally charged about everything that it reminds me of when I was 16 years old and every single was THE BIGGEST DEAL. how is she still on this show?

my friend texted me this instagram account and I AM IN LOVE!

hilarious.

:: teresa’s first post jail interview ::

teresa was on WWHl for a one-on-one with my-boyfriend-andy-cohen.

and in what I think she thinks is irony, she comes out for her first big public appearance in AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT.

but she wore green in jail, so like, its totally different.

in the most unsurprising move ever, she STILL admits to nothing, but acts like she is admitting to things.

she still ONLY says she signed papers and had no idea what she was signing.

it was still better than when its her AND joe both acting like they did nothing wrong, but MY GAWD.

perhaps a silver lining was that my-boyfriend-andy-cohen actually made a “yeah right” kind of comment to a “big name” housewife for the first time (at least first time I have ever noticed). he never says anything to go again bethenny, nene, vanderpump, and I think also teresa. the interviews with teresa and joe are the closest he ever comes to showing what the world is thinking (and what I hope he is thinking!)

SO. my-boyfriend-andy-cohen plays a clip of bethenny saying that she doesn’t understand why someone who has skeletons in their closet would ever go on a reality show.

Um. YEAH.

and then Teresa says she has no skeletons in her closet when cutting to commercial break and my-boyfriend-andy-cohen says something like “well thats debatable”.

which, for him, is like SHAAADDEEEE.

it’s just unreal watching her talk. truly.

and she is practically offended when my-boyfriend-andy-cohen asks how it looks to the public when she is coming home to a giant fancy new lexus with a big red bow on top of it.

and she thinks, of course, nothing is wrong with it and that THE BOW WAS FROM THE DEALERSHIP.

I mean…. DUH her lease was up!!! what was she supposed to do!? GEEZ Andy!

I. LITERALLY. CAN’T. SHE. INFURIATES. ME. SO. MUCH

but the real thing I got out of all of this is that I would not only be able to survive a year in jail, I think I would freaking love it.

( ! mean…. minus communal showers and girl on girl action in the cell next to ya…. but the rest I think I’d kick ass at )

when she recites her daily schedule – I’m like um, I’m sorry, what?

because your days sound a hell of a lot easier than mine.

your only chore was wiping down the counters THREE DAYS PER WEEK, you have so much free time that you are able to workout three times a day, and you get to end your nights WATCHING BRAVO.

{silence}

…….

……..

………

{long dramatic silence with my face contorting and jaw open with lots of hand gestures all over the place like WTF!!??}

I meannnnnn as my mother nance pants would say there is something seriously wrong that someone that is in jail has a more idyllic typical day than the majority of people.

UGH SHE MAKES ME SO DAMN MAD.

:: mazel of the week ::

my husbands alma mater is KU

(where I imagine he was as intoxicated as these kids on a regular basis)

we saw this video of students being interviewed drunk outside one of the popular bars there, and while you don’t need to watch all of it, at least watch the beginning where you see a kid sprinting and completely outrunning the cops in the background, because we laughed our asses off.

{see the video here}

I mean, two for you glen coco – slow clap for those running skills.

sooooo our cable has been deciding to go black and “record” everything but then nothing is there.

or, when I go to a channel half the time it says we don’t have it.

~~therefor, this week has been my personal hell.~~

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry