DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Vanderpump Rules ::

The gang of “kids” (30-40 year olds who act like 18-21 year olds) we love to be repulsed by and who constantly make my jaw hit the floor are back.  We start with a little update of “where are they now” since we last left them at Sur, pretending to still work there regularly and act like servers and bartenders, when we all know that other than filming, they are never there.

Jax and Brittany Life Update: They have been together for 2 years now, and they moved to an apartment in the same hallway as Tomand Katie.  Two years.  I mean, why Brittany!? She really has clung on a lot longer than I thought she would.  Jax gives us a relationship update, since things were rocky when they had their Kentucky spinoff (that no one watched).  He says things are better because Brittany’s  “finally getting off the couch and going to the gym and she stopped keeping Postmates in business.”

I mean. Excuse me?!  Testicles would be ON. THE. FLOOR.  Especially coming from HIM of all people.

Scheana’s Life Update: She has removed the 75 billboard sized wedding photos on canvas in her apartment and is turning her master bedroom into a closet.
Correction…. all wedding canvases are gone, but there is still this billboard sized selfie

She’s moved on from her ex-husband Shay to “the last guy she slept with before Shay and the first guy she slept with after” named Rob.  Her divorce isn’t even final and she is already declaring “I just need a divorce certificate and then I can get married again!”
Slow your roll, Scheana! Definition of Stage 5 clinger, she goes from zero to sixty.  How is he okay with all of this? Is he as insane as she is?!

I do love that LVP calls her out when she says “This is all I’ve wanted the last 10 years”  Lisa replies “Wellllll you were MARRIED to someone else and said you’d never been happier?”
And I mean, the last TEN years? So all throughout dating, engagement, all of it, you never wanted any of it? SIMMER DOWN SCHEANA.  Even you can’t believe that BS! We get it, your relationship went South and you got a divorce, but you can’t act like every moment away from current boyfriend Rob was a nightmare because you were with the boyfriend you were obsessed with.

OH.  But clearly he plays an extremely important role in her life
because he is IN THE OPENING CREDITS.  Like, WHAT?!

And now that I stare…. so is Raquel? And James’ roommate? And freaking Kristin’s boyfriend!? What is going on!!  Lisa has really gotten lax on this whole thing.

Tom + Ariana Life Update: Tom can’t wait to use his inheritance from his dead grandfather to invest in TomTom, the dumbest restaurant idea for LVP’s next spot, but she’s gotta keep finding ways for this group of morons to keep generating income for her.  Tom’s “research” for the restaurant includes going to Colorado because he wants Weed to be part of the restaurant, and then he learns that putting THC into drinks is illegal.  UM, ya think?!  He is sad about the lack of drugs, but he wants to make sure the space has a feeling of “No-Stahl-gee-Ah”.

Right, right…… Lisa and Ken have made excellent choices with this winning duo being “partners”.  Remember when they were going to do wine sales? That went so, so well.  What do you think their combined IQ is?
Ariana has cut her hair, and yes – she looks insanely amazing, and Tom is even more into than she is (she uses some filthier language than “into it” but I’ll heave it at that)
Shocker.  He probably brushes it out and styles it for her too.  (I erased like 97 other comments here….. including the drag photo from Katie +Tom’s Bachelorette weekend…. Sandoval kills me.)
BUT.  She seriously looks amazing. Pulls it off like it’s her job.

Tom and Katie Life Update: Tom is still doing absolutely nothing, but has been included in the TomTom concept, and has convinced himself just as much as Tom Sandoval that Lisa actually cares about their opinions and input in the concept.  Katie is still getting drunk and sending “rage texts” and fighting with + losing friends constantly.  The latest friendship burned is Scheana, and we get to see some rage texts explaining the end of their friendship.  (Although, I’m still confused about what started it.  It seems as though Scheana was saying she had more friends than Katie and it got back to Katie. Yep.  Only on Vanderpump Rules is this what 30 year old friends are doing.)
Oh, but don’t worry – Scheana and Tom are still good, just not Scheana and Katie.  Tom will totally be ditching his wife to attend Scheana’s masquerade ball party tonight that she isn’t invited to.

Additional Scheana Life Update:  The scene where Stassi, Katie, and Tom Schwartz discuss how Scheana only takes pictures on her good side, and then they show HOW TRUE this is with a photo montage, really killed me.

James Life Update: James is still dating Raquel, and is living with his gay best friend Logan.  He and Logan do everything together while Raquel is away.  Based on how upset Logan looked when Raquel arrived and they start making out, James and Logan are in love with each other, and good for them.  James seems to be in the healthiest head-space yet, so he needs to keep doing what he’s doing.
The previews for the season hint at this, too.

Stassi Life Update: She moved to a much better apartment, but does not have AC.
(I hear you girl, I would make a whole story line out of it, it’s that traumatizing.)
She is getting back together with her on-off-bf Patrick.

Kristin Life Update: Literally nothing.
(we get one moment from her later this episode and it is just SO annoyingly Kristin).

Lala Life Update: SHE’S OUT OF TOWN! How dare we not get that sass week one! Guess we’ll have to wait……I’m waiting with bated breath for Lala’s return…..

ALRIGHTY, now that we’re all caught up……

It’s Scheana’s masquerade birthday party, and as we know from every Pump Rules Premiere, there’s gonna be a throwdown.  Every season has to start with Jax drama, and this season it’s Faith saying the two of them had sex.  Now, if you’re a Pump Rules regular, Jax putting his privates where they shouldn’t be should sadly come as no surprise.  The REALLY disturbing part of all of this is that she says they had sex at Faith’s place of work, which was IN A 95 YEAR OLD WOMAN’S HOME WHEN SHE WAS BEING HER CARETAKER.

I. can. not. No. Words. and yet Faith keeps talking…… (these people give so much filthy detail it’s insane…. MAKE IT STAHP!) 

As word travels to Brittany and every other person throughout the party, sheyite starts to hit he fan.  Jax’s defense is “If he were going to cheat on Brittany, why would he hook up with someone in their group of friends?” Ummm…. are you forgetting your last cheating scandals? And that you cheated on Stassi with Kristin? That’s as close to the inner circle as it can get, buddy.

Kristin sees an opportunity to freak out about a situation she has absolutely nothing, nada, zilch to do with her (other than she did this exact same thing, so she really can’t be pissed?).
She screams that he is a bastard and that Jax doesn’t get to come home tonight!!! Ummmm, are you sleeping with him again, because I don’t think that’s your call??  Perfect example of always getting in everyone’s sheyite where she has so no business.

Tom Schwartz calms her down by saying “I mean, he’s my bud, so even if he did it, I would say he didn’t do it, but, nah, he didn’t do it.”  And then repeats it again.  I mean.  Seriously.  After meeting Tom’s brothers last season he makes a lot more sense to me.

Sorry not sorry, but it’s hard to feel badly for Brittany because she knew what she was walking into and she seems to be getting everything she wants out of the situation, plus a half dozen STD’s.

BUT do we think Jax cheated?? Or was this fake story and fake drama to get the season going? I feel like it’s fake news, but that he would put that thing anywhere, anytime.  Truly.  Anywhere.
but they’re still together now anyways, so who cares. 

:: Florabama Shore ::

I know, I know. You’re all judging me.
You’re all thinking “even for you, who’s pretty sad and pathetic with their life television choices, this is a new low.”

Well, judge me now, but go to your On Demand, watch for 15 minutes, and TELL ME that you don’t become addicted.   You won’t be able to look away.

:: RealtionShep ::

Let’s just start by saying : This show is a joke…..   Annnnnd also that I loved it.  I was expecting it to be awful and that I would maybe only watch the first episode (lies. all of them but while doing other things….) but I was pleasantly surprised.  If you haven’t, I recommend at least watching episode one.  It moves SO fast, with 5 dates I think in the first hour, so it isn’t long and drawn out and doesn’t make you want to pull your hair out and scream GET ON WITH IT for two hours two nights a week like The Bachelor, which premieres January 3rd some other shows.

I love how he acts like “I moved to the beach, to get healthy” is a real thing.  Just because you move a little further from the bars does not mean you don’t still GO to the bars. But sure, baby steps Sheppy.

Shep explains that he is looking for someone “well traveled, from a nice family, artsy, and well read.” Well YEAH. But those girls don’t want an unemployed party boy! Even if you are super smart underneath it all.  And even if you find one, she’s just settling for some CASHOLA.  OH.  Or I forgot, girls have dropped their standards even lower : they don’t even need the cash, perhaps just some instagram fame.

So the premise is that his friends across the country set him up on dates.  Then, the girls he likes he’ll invite to Charleston to spend time (all the girls in one house, Bachelor style I believe).
His first city is Los Angeles.

Of course the first date is a dog groomer- SLASH – ACTOR at Vanderpump Dogs.
editors note : I’m surprised they didn’t link the finale of Vanderpump Rules straight into this scene so that everyone was forced to watch ….. LVP is off her game….. this premiered right after Vanderpump Even!?! I should be a TV producer… 

but I digress…. 

Actor slash Dog Groomer date : I will say she is the best girl you could find in LA for him : orders a fat margarita, from the south, has beer and shot at the bar after.  It was a great date! She has an awkward drunken moment of being pissed at him for saying all his ex-girlfriends are “lovely”, which I ask what’s wrong with that, but otherwise he is super into her.  He asks her to go to Charleston immediately.

His second date is at a creepy Shakespeare party. Liz is 24 and understands nothing that Shep is talking about in casual conversation, like that TERRIFYING giant paper slicer we grew up with at libraries.  He realizes perhaps age is more than a number, and she isn’t what he’s looking for.   Although Shep – no one would I would want to hang with would find that Shakespeare play with the pregnant bikini and paint clad actors, all 90 minutes of it, a great date.

Southern Charm castmate Landon arrives to help Shep find true love.  (Landon lives in LA during the summer apparently)

The first date with Landon’s friend (a sommelier that is not a sommelier?) is off to a rough start; he can’t handle the chattiness (it seemed?) so he invites Landon to join the date which obviously shows the girl he is not interested.  Awkward.  I felt bad for her.

Next up is a model, 27, that has never heard the line “to be or not to be that is the question” let alone read Shakespeare.  She says she doesn’t read.  Sooooo….. she did a great job with proving the LA Model stereotype wrong.  Next!!

The final LA date is with Jessy, a 31 year old stylist, who is another friend of Landon’s. It was a cute date; ice cream and a trip to the bookstore to pick out books for each other.  It was actually precious and proved she has substance and intelligence (and that he does too!) and the bookstore was SO CUTE. I want to go spend the day there!

So, LA Dates have ended.  Out of the 4, he has invited the Vanderpump Dog Groomer/Actress, age 27, to Charleston, and is keeping the door open for the final date with Jessy the stylist.  Shakespear and non-sommolier have been axed.

Next up, DALLAS!
real time editors note : I seriously love how fast paced this show is! I am liking this so much more than I thought I would! I also love the commentary with the producer Sarah that he’s friends with the whole show.  He should just be with Sarah?! 

After a pitstop for a cowboy hat, he arrives on a ranch for his date with Kylie, age 22. TWENTY TWO?! SHEP! I THOUGHT WE JUST REALIZED AGE WAS A NUMBER!  He has already seen her bikini instagrams from his friend, which clearly matters far more than age and having things in common.  Because she is seriously gorgeous.

I laughed really hard on this date as the horse sprinted around with him.  I also laughed really hard as he opened the Sutter Home White Zinfandel and sniffed sarcastically saying “Oh some fancy Sutter Home! (sniffs) That was a good year!”
editors note : Shoutout to sophomore year at Miami of Ohio.  We drank more White Zinfandel that I could ever imagine and I will never touch it with a ten foot pole again…. also, fun fact : this is likely why I do not drink Rosé.  Too similar.  

He ignores his brain telling him she is  22 years old and invites her to Charleston on the spot.  Shocker.

And week one comes to a conclusion.

I’m hooked!!
Seriously, this was 10x more entertaining than half the RHOC episodes this season.

:: Robin Thicke Expecting Baby with 23 year old GF :: 
Speaking of age being AN ACTUAL NUMBER sometimes,
Robin Thicke’s girlfriend posed nude with her pregnant belly days ahead of her 23rd birthday.

I mean……. I just wonder what Paula Patton thinks when he starts hooking up with a 21 year old and gets her pregnant at 22.

:: Randy Travis DWI Video :: 
Uh oh.  A dash cam video of Randy Travis being arrested – BUCK NAKED – for a DUI in 2012 that was previously kept under wraps is now released and going viral.  Brace yourself (video)

:: Downsizing + I, Tonya :: 
My husband and I, who never step foot into movie theatres and never like the same things in terms of film and television, both really want to see this movie!

A movie he will definitely not see with me that I want to see is I, Tonya.
I don’t know what but I was shocked that Tonya showed up for the red carpet premiere?

It’s a movie basically disgracing her, right? Does she not know that?!

:: Fergie Causes a Scene ::

Apparently Fergie was overserved and made a real arse of herself at a Trevor Project gala honoring Tom Ford. Armie Hammer was up presenting the award and she came on, starting talking and rambling, promoted her ablum, and then started singing acapella.  The video has since been taken down (damn!)  

:: Jackhole of the Week :: 
Katherine McPhee.

Her and her producer friend were in Cabo San Lucas and attempted to wedding crash, but the bride gave them the boot.  They didn’t like that very much and retaliated on instagram stories saying awful things about her that Page Six got a hold of.  The article says :

One video seen by Page Six and captioned “Bride Bitch” shows McPhee in her room snottily noting, “What bride does her own wedding security? If you’re doing your own security, you have a problem.”

In addition to captioning their videos “loser bride bouncer”, “Bride Bitch” and “dead bride #rude bride”, Hil told the camera “She could have had a Page Six, New York Post [article] of us coming and dancing the night away . . . By the way, I was ready to rock ’n’ roll.”

Shor also posted captions of their wedding crash fail: “That bride voted for Trump I can feel it,” and “Rise above the rude bride. She should be so lucky to dance with me.”

SERIOUSLY?!?!?
She has always rubbed me the wrong way and seems to have the personality of a wet noodle.  My husband loves the show Scorpion that she is on so I see her weekly on my screen, but when I saw her recently on Kelly & Ryan it was SUPER awkward.  Which with the American Idol common past you would think would be a pretty simply 60 second interview after she performed.
She must be thinking she’s super A List and this is very much a life on the D-List move.  Very “don’t you know who I am?” and it’s like Ummmmm No.  No we don’t.

:: Mazel of the Week ::
Lilo!
For finding a friend/maybe boyfriend who is more shocking than she is!

Nicknamed Korean Hulk, he is a billionaire bodybuilder.

Oh that Lilo…. always keeping us guessing……

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: RH of OC Finale ::

The Finale of the most boring season in Housewives History has arrived.
sorry, not sorry. 
The excitement kicks off with more air time for Vicki and Coto Insurance.  YAWN.  I’d rather watch Tamra and Eddie working out by themselves in their always empty gym than this.

What’s that, Vic!? Your office manager can’t get her headset to work!
What a knee slapper! You paid $500 for that!?!
Haha oh my gosh this show is just RIVETING and so hilarious!

How on earth does Michael handle working with his mom every day? Is there something wrong with him?
And I know I mentioned this maybe during the first episode, but his poor girlfriend. Can you imagine Vicki being your mother-in-law ANNND your husband’s boss?!

But the more I think about it perhaps Michael and his girlfriend are nuts too.

Kelly’s mom gets a makeover courtesy of Priv, who I have determined is a huge sponsor for Bravo.  What’s next? A Homegoods Run post makeover, a-la Bethenny?  This is SUCH a waste of air-time.

Kelly is vocalizing her dislike for husband Hitler Michael and has determined a main problem: “One minute he’s nicey nicey and the next minute he throws jabs”
…. hmmmmm sounds like someone else….. pot, meet kettle?

Tamra cries over her daughter Sydney’s graduation, still not quite comprehending what “don’t talk about me or include me on the show” means, because for Tamra her daughter and her ‘woe is me’ act is her only story line.  Oh, well that and trying to make a whole story out of will-they-or-won’t-they with Vicki, which as we all know, literally no one gives a damn about.

The season finale party this year is Meghan King Edmond’s candle release party at the Monarch Beach Hotel where Tamra and Eddie got married. (editors note: I know candles are big business (???????) , it just still surprises me that this is what gets Jim/Jimmy Edmonds going.  This just seems so random?!)

Before even arriving at the party, we cut back in forth between the marriages that we know are doomed (Michael + Kelly and Shannon + David) and see how uncomfortable each situation is.  Kelly wants to rip Michael a new one before they even leave the house, and we all know Kelly is just grreeeeattt at locking it up when necessary or in public, so tonight should just go swimmingly!

Vicki is taking forever to pick out which too-tight-too-short dress to put on and which heels that she’ll waddle instead of walk in, so Kelly and Shannon are going to ride together.  Both the husbands who don’t want to be with their wives, also don’t want to be with the significant others.  David doesn’t want Michael and vice versa.  And the brief limo scene definitely shows it.

Shannon explains to David that people get the wrong first impression of her. When they get to know her, she says, they think she’s not that bad.  It happened with Meghan (airs clips), Heather (airs clips) , Kelly (airs clips), and Lydia (more footage….)
Ummmmm yeah ya kinda came in a little hot with each person right of the bat? I mean,Kelly maybe not…. there are equal parts blame there ….but everyone else you were kinda a lunatic Shannon.

They survive the limo ride, but the real horror show for Shannon comes before her feet even reach the bottom of the never-ending stairs.  Shannon looks around….

“Wait…. is there no….. vodka here?!?!” she whispers as she sees a man with a silver platter of Champ’s and scans desperately for another bar.

SHANNON NEEDS HER VODKA, DAMMIT!
Especially if she’s going to have to keep up this charade with David all night!

Things seem to be going smoothly, the proper people are all avoiding each other. We all know it can’t last too much longer (or will it? PLEASE LET THIS SEASON END!) .   Kelly make a (quite hilarious if I do say so myself) joke about her nipples being at her chin since her boob job, and Michael has to chime in about not being “able to play”. Uh oh.  Bad choice Michael.  Run! Kelly wants to kill him with her eyes while the ladies giggle and make side commentary, but Kelly makes no effort to disguise her complete hatred for the man

Poor Shannon.  They seriously show her every damn time she puts a morsel of food into her mouth and play every single commentary “just need to get a morsel of shrimp!!”

Kelly and Pegs make up.  How nice. (or as Kelly would loudly say “Awwwwww that’s niiiiceee!!!)

David is trying to use his high pitched voice to confront/make up with Diko since he had words with Shannon a few episodes ago. Then the apologies come full circle, and Diko apologizes.  Next, more apologies (Have I been drinking????)  Tamra is “apologizing” to Diko, though much like Vicki, it is meaningless.

I mean seriously, Diko is so nice.  Really though.  He’s so sweet.

Then Tamra is talking to Pegs and making up with Pegs and I’m thinking, Wow, everyone is being so nice to eachother for this finale!  Where’s Shannon to flip out when we need her!?
and then….there’s my girl!!
A simple “Shannon will you come her a minute” and with barely a word spoken from Pegs it’s the immediate hand gestures galore and squealing “You know what Peggy?!” before anything is even said.

Pegs denies ever saying to her that David hurt her.  In the end, Shannon is completely right, because what she is saying happened (cue the clip) did happen.  BUT she overreacts and gets so dramatic about it, jumping down everyones throat the second she is brought into a conversation, that it suddenly becomes about everything BUT that.

Ugh, I feel ya Shannon.  Ya gotta get it out and be pissed when she’s lying, but it’s not that simple. RBF (resting bitch face) will always win over crazy dramatic hand gestures and loud voices.  And Pegs really knows how to rock that RBF.  She is like THE BEST RBF ever.  RBF Model.
Unfortunately for Shannon,  Lydia is right to say “If you’re screaming at a party ‘you f’ing lunatic’ then you are probably the f’ing lunatic”.
Shannon just can’t control her gesticulating…. not her fault!

editors note : I really love Shannon.  Googling for Shannon gifs has brought up so many amazing ones from years past that I just want to share them all! Head here to see some gems. 

HOWEVERRR……. Pegs was totally wrong about what they were actually debating, and I totally get why Shannon gets all riled up with the smug smile and “are you okay?” commentary.  I would be like “DON’T YOU EVEN!”

I keep pausing to type but leave it to Meghan King Edmonds to be the voice of reason and take the words right out of my mouth.  “Shannon has a tendency to overreact but Peggy likes to poke and not let things go, so I’m on Shannons side with this one.”
editors note : Maybe it’s all those damn candles that makes her so calm….. crazy people are never like “let’s light a candle! this scent would be perfect for this! don’t you just love a nice candle?!”
editors note : uh oh….bad realization….. I am not a candle person…. I only light them occasionally…. 

Pegs wants to go home, but Diko knows how to play well in the sandbox with others and he doesn’t want to go, so Diko tells her to do what most people do: smile.
(dun dun dunnnnnnnnn)
Pegs forces a gigantic smile and extends an apology to Shannon, but no long awkward pause will make it be reciprocated.  Shannon fake accepts.

Vicki is talking with the enemy, Michael, and Kelly struts over to clarify just how much she can’t stand her husband.  Vicki tries to tell Michael that Kelly doesn’t mean what she’s saying, that she loves, trusts, adores him “impliciKly”, and Kelly keeps throwing back her shot in a plastic wine glass and is like “Hell. No.”
editors note : I reeeaalllllly love when housewives say words completely wrong like “impliciKly” and you can tell it wasn’t a slip of the tongue but that they truly believe that’s the word. 

Kelly says one word about herself and her struggles and Vicki makes it ALL about herself and Don.
VICKI, good gawd, just listen and let her vent puh-lease!

Shannon finally shares some words of wisdom as they play that “happy finale” music they use year after year.  editors note : I do get kinda nostalgic when I hear that music…. brings back so many memories…. hashtag emotionally unstable bravo addict over here.  Shannon has had some realizations this past year, that her marriage and her weight do not define her happiness. She makes herself happy.
PREACH SHANNON PREACH.  I really do love you, crazy and all.

:: Sexiest Man Alive 2017 ::
Uhhhhhh…….

uhhhmmmmmm…….. errrrrr…………

:: RH of DALLAS :: 

This week didn’t pack quite the same Carnie Crazy punch as last week……

LeeAnne has made her way back to set since storming off, and we are joined by Cary’s husband Dr. Mark Duber. He couldn’t be happier – man just loves the spotlight.  LeeAnne didn’t understand why Rich didn’t get to grace America with his presence.  Welp….Rich’s parenting was never in question, Rich’s demeaning tone towards his partner was never in question, and I’m preeeety sure there’s no drama surrounding Rich and accusations about being with men at the Round Up. So, there’s that? The only drama with Rich would be all of America wondering why a police officer is choosing to be with such a wild card that threatens peoples lives and has a police report?!

LeeAnne is saying she said the “Ge gets his___ ___ed at the Round Up” to hurt Cary, but at Reunion Part 1 she didn’t remember saying any of it at all and thought Brandi had preempted it? Hmmmmm.

While I understand that the “Round Up” allegations would be embarassing for Mark + Cary’s kids, there’s probably a ton of what you do on the show to embarrass your kids.  Don’t go on Housewives if you’re concerned about your kids, because they aren’t ever trying to make a cast member look like an angel? You all are doing nothing but making it worse for your kids??

LeeAnne wants to move on and let it all go.  She “believes in forgiveness, because that’s just who she is”.  Aw, such an angel that LeeAnne!!! Brandi, much to LeeAnne’s dismay, does not.  She says 50 year olds don’t change. ps. the 50 is not a dig as it was intended to be, because LeeAnne looks so damn good. 

My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen ends the reunion with everyone naming their “Rose and Thorn” of the season.  LeeAnne takes a final opportunity to make it all about her, doing the fake cry FAR better than Ms. Tamra Judge has ever done (there has never been a single tear to ever fall from Tamra…. just high pitched squealing and face scrunching).
LeeAnne wells up and let’s us know, there really wasn’t a rose this season.  And that LeeAnne is her own thorn.

Oh…. so sad! Don’t we all feel awful for her!!
No….???
NO!!!!!

I keep trying to recall anything else that actually happened, but this second part wasn’t as thrilling.
Is it weird that I love that this is Kameron’s constant face? I mean, I really just need a gif of her doing that dramatic “yes” head nod an this tight lip and it pretty much sums up her entire season.

Several of you commented on Cary looking different at the reunion, and I agree.  I feel like it just depends on her make up and how recently her last round of botox was, though!?  Brandi too – but Brandi looks different to me 17 times per episode.  She is always is looking different to me!?

:: RH of JERSEY :: 

There’s some drama surrounding Siggy and her personal blog (different than her Bravo blog that they are all fored to write every week). Bravo  made her take down a post she published that essentially exposes things with production of the show.  She claims that her reactions this season, especially to Pigtails Marge, aren’t showing the full story; basically that they are editing her reactions to different things.
Excerpts below :

“We are almost half way through the season and all I can say is the Episodes are as surprising to me as they are to you,” Siggy shared. “I wish you had been there to see what was actually said that caused my reactions. I don’t react without reason and I refuse to blame my reactions to my hysterectomy or hormones.”

“Unless you have spotted the disjointed nature of some exchanges, you cannot reconcile my reactions without the nasty underhanded comments that prompt my responses.”

“The camera doesn’t lie. I shimmied (my real boobs); I stuck my tongue out; I teared up; I made faces and I mentioned her cheap knock offs,” Flicker admitted. “Unfortunately, Margaret’s side of the exchange seems to have been lost. Why did I resort to such antics?”

:: Chris Martin + Dakota Johnson :: 
Have I been living under a rock for not knowing these two were together!?!

I guess she has been frequenting all of his concertS.

:: David Foster’s New Lady :: 
Speaking of people together…. I keep forgetting to talk about David Foster + Katherine McPhee!!!

What are our thoughts!? There is just no way this will last, right!?
She is 33 and he is 67.
Although she does like ’em old…. her first husband was about 20 years older and they got married when she was only mid twenties.
I can’t help it, it just makes me think of the Big Daddy scene with the “loose skin and…..GROSS”

I seriously loved that movie.  Hilarious. Why does that not play on TV more?!

:: What Not To Wear :: 
Apparently there is beef between Stacey London and Clinton Kelly,

but I don’t really care about that.
I just want What Not To Wear Back on.
And to see if Stacey finally got rid of that awful grey streak she kept in her hair……

:: Victoria Beckham :: 
Victoria Beckham doled out fashion advice for $2 on Vanity Fair’s series Derek Does Stuff with A Friend.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
Cameron Eubanks had her baby girl, Palmer!

Please Dear Lord let me look like that post baby.  Please. 
I love following her on instagram – she always posted funny posts during her pregnancy.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
Vanna White, of Wheel of Fortune Fame, is this week’s Jackhole because I’m a jealous betch.
She is work 40 Million, making 8 million dollars per year.

For TURNING LETTERS.
She works FOUR DAYS per month, because they film six shows in a day.
And she wears gown after gown after gown, never the same gown twice.
Ughhhh I’d kill for that gig!

ANNNND they used to always get drunk at the Mexican place across the street at lunch break!
I MEAN I was made for this job….. turn letters? wear a dress? drink margs? Check. Check. Check.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Dallas Reunion :: 

Can we have a moment of silence for Dallas ending?
(moment of silence)
Because until NY or Beverly Hills are back in my life,
my Housewives Tank is Empty.

The highlight of the whole night for me was LeeAnne and her delusional opinions about her behavior and what is acceptable and forgivable.  It takes her a million years to ever admit any fault to anything, if admitting it at all.  And when she does, she thinks that she can just say “alright, I own it, I shouldn’t have done that…” Ummmm not so sure that works with threats to kill people???

LeeAnne’s first move of pissing everyone off is saying that she did the “Two Face” Halloween costume because she suffers from PTSD.  Well, actually, first she says she did it to start an open conversation (I mean, does even she believe her own BS?) and then it led to a conversation about her PTSD.  Once again, the second it turns to her poor behavior, we have to hear the story about her crazy carnie childhood.

When Brandi reminds LeeAnne that she said Rich had PTSD and that she thinks she’s full of BS LeeAnne does her angry-quiet-country-deep-voice “Be Careful” under her breath.  I mean HONESTLY.  This woman cannot help herself!!! She doesn’t know how not to threaten people and retaliate.  But she says it’s not a threat, just that she cares about people with PTSD. (insert clip of her talking with women with AIDS and making it all about herself and her carnie childhood.)

Kameron doesn’t do much the entire reunion except that closed mouth pout and nod, but that’s enough for her to entertain me.  Also, why is she choosing the LeeAnne sofa to side with?!  Perhaps it is because she fears for her safety, which in that case, this may be the first time I actually  believe the “smarter than she looks” theory.  Also, it should be smarter than she sounds…..because she mostly just sounds like an idiot.
Kameron did give a few good lines, though.  When Brandi keeps making digs at her and getting mad about the Trash + Plano comments, Kameron says that it’s fine for Brandi to judge her, but God forbid she say anything back.  Which is very true.  If you’re going to dish it you need to take it.

The Dildo gets another full replay of scenes, and the ladies crack up at the end of the video montage.  I must confess I cracked up at them cracking up about it.  And then I laughed even harder at how it was a serious moment when Brandi confessed she respected Kameron’s boundaries by not bringing The Dildo to the reunion, and that it was, in fact, a Dildo Free Set.
Kameron is very thankful for the respect.
I mean…. can’t make it up.  It was the most heartfelt moment of the hour.

Am I the only one who doesn’t find D’Andra’s husband Jeremy remotely attractive in any way shape or form?
I mean, he’s big and strong, so he gets points for that, but that’s all I get???

The remainder of the show revolves around LeeAnne and her anger management slash therapy sessions.  She says that the police report involving the incident with her ex where she has a knife and uses sandpaper against him doesn’t exist.
I’m pretty sure you can google it? (because I have and I read it.)

LeeAnne tries to blame Brandi for the surgery day when she said the “I don’t have knives, but I have my hands” which is such a crock of lies that it’s hilarious.  You can really tell how freaked out Brandi is by her in the car when LeeAnne is getting all heated . Brandi is straight up scared, and I don’t blame her.  Oh, but that was just a xanax or some other pill that calms people down talking! Isn’t that how everyone responds to anxiety meds? Becoming a rage-filled-life-threatening-delight?
Stephanie points out that LeeAnne often threatens lives when she doesn’t know she is Mic’d, like the Marie situation Season 1 (OMG THAT NIGHT!) and then the doctors office visit this year.
Which makes it super terrifying, because I agree with her.
and for all of you that havent watched Season One, please at least watch the girls trip where she threatens to kill Marie in the middle of the night and Cary tries to record it on her iPhone.
You think you’re scared of LeeAnne? Just wait. It is straight up terrifying.

LeeAnne tries to “own” all of her threats, but acts like they are no big deal because her words never lead to actions.
Ummmmm police reports and shattering glass lead me to think otherwise?
Just because you haven’t actually stabbed something or strangled them (that we know of) doesn’t mean you’re an angel in control of her behavior.

LeeAnne remained calm cool and collected until she heard that MARK would be coming out to join the ladies.  LeeAnne is PISSED.  She thought this was a CLOSED SET.  She doesn’t even want to mumble her threats, she wants to storm out (and get more camera time and solidify her spot for season 3, because as she said – correctly – after season 1, there really isn’t a show without her).
I’m shocked she picked Mark to storm out over? Of course he is going to come on!  He does more gossiping than the ladies themselves and is dying for screen time!

to be continued…..

Oh, and who thinks LeeAnne’s therapy has worked?
(LeeAnne’s face.  I’m dying.)

:: New Jersey :: 
At readers request, I’ve tried to give it a chance, despite Danielle still being on my shite list.
But Atlanta is still off limits.  I abandoned ship years ago and refuse to go back.

I think I’m into Marge, pigtails and all? What do we think?

Siggy seems to be having a Shannon Beador moment this season
and is really just flying off the handle at everything.  MOVE. ON.
You used to be a voice of reason! Enough!

This Italian restaurant is a horrid idea.  It takes Teresa all of one second to go from loving to hating her sister in law.  These two do not need any additional reasons to go after each other. But sure, great idea, your father (who was a perv to Pigtail Marge, surprise surprise) will totally be over the passing of the mom when the family is stressed as hell over a restaurant they have no idea how to run!
but damn those bowls of pasta looked good at the soft opening……. 

Why is there always all of this underlying sexual tension with Teresa and her brother Joe?!
Teresa’s like pissed when you can’t see her brother Joe’s hot face in the photos.
(her words, not mine, Joe does not do it for me)

I still cannot stand Danielle more than any housewife on Bravo.  Which is surprising….. because she did give us some great moments Season One and some of my favorite gif’s.  But she makes my skin crawl.

Danielle is so desperate to stay relevant and stir the pot that she starts talking crap to Dolores about her living with her ex-husband and having a boyfriend.  Oooooo.  Scandalous.  I mean really? Who.  Cares.  It really takes no effort at all to get Dolores from zero to gonna-kill-someone so Danielle better watch out!

:: RH of Atlanta :: 
Speaking of Atlanta that I won’t watch……
When I was searching for some gifs I came across this.

WTF IS NENE’S NOSE!?!?
In that gif it looks truly insane!!!

:: OC Finale ::

Ugh…. I thought this week was the finale.
Will it ever end?! But we still have one more to go.

Peggy hasn’t been on anyones Most Loved Housewife list all season, and this week I think she officially sealed her fate. She is delusional.  Not in the same way Vicki…. well, and Tamra….. um, and Kelly…. and, of course, Shannon are……. but she is delusional nonetheless! She comes out of her room at 6:45 PM after hiding out all day and looks like she’s been drinking her brains out.
You had like 18 hours to wash your face and you literally look like a walk of shame?! HOW?!

Lydia is the only one to care to see her, and Pegs just starts going off about what happened the night before.  I’m not saying the ladies were normal, but she is also insinuating a lot of things that likely didn’t happen.  She even tried to tape the women on her iPhone and replay it back for Lydia.  Peggy says all of the ladies were laughing at her and Kelly was insulting her deceased father.  Oh, Pegs. Kelly is not intelligent enough to do such a thing.  Lydia tries to explain that it was an “expression” and lost in translation, but English isn’t Peggy’s forte as we have learned, so I’ll try to let this one pass.

The one I can’t let pass? Saying that Meghan left her baby alone in a hotel room and heard her crying for 10 minutes.  What?! Lydia tries her best to talk some sense into Peggy, but it falls on deaf ears
(Peggy: Deaf Ears? Ears are for hearing? What does this mean, this deaf ears?)

Meanwhile, the other ladies couldn’t care less that the host Lydia isn’t with them and head out to the final meal of the trip: A traditional Viking dinner. Oh what fun!

Vicki and Tamra are BFF’s throughout the meal, i.e. they are annoying as hell and flirting uncomfortably with the creepy (and I mean CREEPY) men dressed as Vikings.

Tamra has to make sure she brings Shannon in and stirs the Shannon + Vicki pot a little bit, by whispering to Vicki to “make it good- tell her that David doesn’t beat her, just say it”
WHAT? Bringing it up at dinner? Tamra is the freaking worst.  Vicki gives a half assed apology, and as always, adds in with her “apology” that Shannon said it and just that Vicki shouldn’t have repeated it or “misunderstood”.
I’m with Shannon, apologize but don’t bring up the freaking abuse at dinner in front of everyone.
AND THEN Tamra yells at Shannon not to eat the potatoes.  Ugh…. SHUT UP TAMRA.

But at least Shannon is enjoying her giant hunk of meat and lets the ladies know that the Viking food is legit and that the Vikings like the women with a bit more meat on their bones.
Poor Shannon…. not one episode this season doesn’t include her food commentary or weight commentary.

And poor Lydia.  She really is way too nice for this crew.
Is promoting Nobleman Magazine really worth all this crap?
This whole trip is her thing, and she stays back from dinner and is eating alone at the hotel restaurant when Peggy finally decides to get dressed and say they should join the Viking dinner.
Oh. Em. Gee.  Peggy’s outfit for this meal.
She’s in like a giant red off the shoulder gown thing with a huge toile wrap thing.

Speaking of outfits – what are ALL of them wearing? minus Shannon.
It is freezing cold and they are at a Viking dinner and they are wearing like skintight dresses and heels.  Vicki is bare legged in a skin tight dress (what else is new) that is way too short (what else is new) with heels she cant walk in (what else is new) like she would wear to dinner on a summer night in the OC.

I feel so bad for the family on vacation at the table behind these women.

Pegs learned nothing from her chat with Lydia and doesn’t take the bone the ladies are trying to throw her.  Peggy : Bone? Why are they throwing bones? Dogs like bones?
Kelly tries to apologize and they try to say they weren’t laughing at her, but Pegs won’t have it. Instead, she whips out her phone to show the ladies she was recording them and when they start to get upset she jumps right into saying she listened to Meghan’s baby cry for 10 minutes straight last night.
Annnnnnd it goes over about as well as you could ever expect.

Peggy is so wrong for this show that she makes Lydia seem like the perfect addition to the cast.

Peggy doesn’t even wait for the flight home the next day and leaves in the middle of the night.  I’m like, why didn’t you just leave during the 18 hour stand off in your hotel room then?? Kelly points out that even she stayed and flew home with everyone after the Ireland drama (Oh, Ireland! The trip when it went downhill for so many, and when the oh-so-perfect Heather Dubrow was horrendous on that iPhone footage!)

Lydia is sad that the trip has to end on a bad note. I am wondering where the high point was? The whole trip was something bad? From throwing menus at lunch to “heart attacks” and hospital transports? Every day was a hot mess?!

Back home in the OC, Vicki is telling Brianna about the trip, says she ended up in the hospital (reaction from Brianna : “whats new?”) and then says but the ladies were nice and brought her a casserole.
confession: I laughed, and laughed hard at “Oh wow that casserole you’ve been asking for all these years! ”

Shannon still doesn’t comprehend how horrible of a friend Tamra is, because she takes her to her doctor’s appointment with her where Tamra pretty much mocks her.  As Shannon discusses things like lack of sex and all of her hormone levels, her “friend” sits in the corner making faces instead of having some empathy or being supportive.
pleeeeeease my-boyfriend-andy-cohen,
CAN WE PLEASE BE DONE WITH TAMRA AND VICKI NEXT SEASON?

:: VANDERPUMP TRAILER :: 

Oh Lordy.  The “kids” we love to hate are back in a few short weeks.

:: Jen Aniston and Reese Witherspoon :: 
Jen and Reese have a two season deal for a TV show together!? Be still my beating heart! YES PLEASE!

:: More Harvey Weinstein Updates ::

If you haven’t yet, check out the latest article released by The New Yorker about Harvey Weinstein.  It is lengthy but worth a read  in its entirety.  It dives into the lengths that he went to to silence the women he abused.

:: Jackhole of the Week ::
Jonathan Cheban has officially changed his name to Foodgod.

What. A. Tool. 
sorry. not sorry. 
He someone managed to one-up the talentless Kardashian’s by pretending eating food at restaurants is a talent.  Before you jump down my throat – I recognize food blogging and food photography.  But he’s doing neither of those.  It’s just things like the weird picture above with his face and a piece of fried chicken.  Preeeeeeety sure anyone can do that all day long?
I literally had no idea he even did any of this food instagramm’ing until this week Kardashian’s episode, but he’s already changing his name over it?

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
The CMA’s.
I love how classy + eloquent + loving the country community is.
I had entire paragraph written here but I’ll just leave it at that! 

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: RH of OC ::

Well…. I can’t believe after all these weeks of discussing Vicki and her damn casseroles, that the woman finally got herself a casserole.
That was my only ongoing commentary with her….
because this season couldn’t be more terrible.
What now?  Where do I turn?
Side Note : I really want to know what was in this Icelandic Casserole?!?

So, to get caught up, Vicki thought she was having a heart attack and her heart was pounding out of her chest.
The three days leading up to this she had zero sleep and had a full night out of boozing after getting off the international flight. So, as I mentioned last week, YEAH I bet your heart is going nuts.

Was Peggy not SO annoying during all of this chaos?

One of the strangest aspects of all of this is that she leaves for the hospital with a robe covering her whole body, as though she is dead?  What?

Most of the ladies can’t be bothered to follow her to the hospital and I don’t blame them which isn’t surprising. When they had the RV incident last season, not a single one went with her to the hospital, but this time she got Peggy and Lydia.

She was taken to the hospital where she was given fluids and BP medicine.  And I’m sure an order to

But, hey! Why stop now!?! Look how great the lack of sleep combined with booze worked out!?
She was greeted with the Iclandic Casserole upon her arrival!  She is cured!
She drinks and stays up until 2 AM with the group,  the exact things that caused the whole dramatic experience.

{Again, I never feel an ounce of sympathy of Vicki, and this is another reason showing why she doesn’t deserve it.  Even if she was scared, did have her heart flipping her out, anyone who is actually concerned would never pour a drink and stay up after getting home.  She needs more attention than a year old! }

As the ladies booze into the wee hour, drama ensues.
Tamra and Vicki have an obnoxious heart to heart (with plenty-a-scream from Tamra at Kelly in between.  The words were different, but it was the same scream she does at reunions).

Shannon is in the corner angrily venting to Meghan about Tamra who is yelling at Kelly who is pissed off and yelling at Peggy. Kapeesh?
Why is Shannon so surprised by this behavior? Of COURSE Tamra and Vicki will make up; keeping the old lady original cast members together is their only hope of making it to another boring season of the show!

Peggy is so distraught by the whole evening that she refuses to show face to anyone the entire next day.  The ladies know she means business because she doesn’t even go SHOPPING!
(jaw hits floor! the horror!) Oh yeah…. nothing like missing out on that Icelandic Shopping! Poor Peggy!
it should be more like “You know she means business + is pissed because she is intentionally staying in her hideous theme room for 24 hours alone. what the heck is up with those theme rooms? seriously? 

:: Shannon + David have Separated ::

Over the weekend, news broke about Shannon and David separated after 17 years of marriage.
Word is that it all came out during the filming of the reunion.

Here is what she told People Mag :
“It’s heartbreaking for me and my daughters that this is the road that had to be taken but it’s the only way,” Shannon, 53, told People. “I felt alone in my marriage. You can do what you can to keep your family together, but you have to have willing parties. You need two people to make a marriage work, and that just wasn’t happening in our relationship.”
“This is not the path that I thought that I would be taking,” Shannon said. “To come from the highest of the highs last year to go to such a low so quickly? At the beginning when it starts to crumble, you think, ‘This is just a phase. It’ll get better.’ But it never did.”
“As a mother, I want to be a good role model for my daughters,” Shannon explained. “Three years ago I was proud of what I showed them, because I fought for keeping my family together after infidelity. As the last year went by, it’s been extremely difficult and painful to watch the show, because clearly I was in denial about what was going on in my marriage. I was taking things out on other people instead of at home. … As a mother you keep thinking about your daughters and you have to say, ‘This is an unhealthy environment.’ Not only is it unhealthy for me, but it’s unhealthy for my girls, too. They deserve a happy and joyful home, and I am providing that for them now.”

This is the least surprising, yet still surprising, news.
I wonder who “filed” or initiated the separation
editors note : to my knowledge no divorce papers have been filed, but I’m as reliable as an OC Housewife during a medical emergency, so don’t hold me to it! 
Also, can this be a lesson to not have a vow renewal when your marriage is struggling, because that’ll be the final nail in the coffin?!?!

:: DYNASTY ::

I just saw a commercial for the Dynasty reboot and really want to watch.  On the CW.
Anyone watching?
OH.  Speaking on 9,000 shows I want/need to add to my list, everyone is talking about Riverdale too!
Tell me new favorites that you all are loving (nothing HBO or horror related, por favor).

:: RH of DALLAS :: 

LeeAnne’s boyfriend Rich made a huge mistake finally put a ring on it and the time has come to celebrate with an engagement party.  Or, as LeeAnne also calls it, Rich’s last chance to run.

I love, love, love that it’s a Carnival Theme.  So cute.
And as we see later in the episode, it looks absolutely gorgeous.

Stephanie and What was the point of buying this house ? Just build your own from scratch ? She seems to dislike everything about it

LeeAnne is seeing her mom for the first time in 2 years,
but for real, what is the giant red cube with a red dome and like a plunger coming out of it on the top in her living room? I have rewound it 3 times and cant figure out what this thing is? This living room is hideous! 
Is LeeAnne ever not rehashing her sad past?? (I could be saying this because she was just on the Juicy Scoop podcast and it’s just…. WE GET IT.  She’s just all about LeeANne always)
One thing that I find interesting is that LeeAnne’s mom seemed fine, and that LeeAnne made sure to say that her mom has softened and changed over the years.  Hmmmmm.  Perhaps she knows her mom may say certain things are untrue?  And that LeeAnne dramatizes?
I’m not saying she didn’t have a horrible childhood, I’m just saying I think LeeAnne likes to harp on it to the point that it gets so extreme that it takes on a whole new life.  I mean, the woman walks in to AIDS charity events and makes her speech all about herself.  So, need I say more?

LeeAnne takes her mom to therapy to hash things out and
they sit as far away from one another as possible on the couch.
Uh oh.  And no surprise, her mom sees the past differently from LeeAnne.
But it seems to go well overall so that’s good!

Speaking of mothers, Dee finally says she is going to hand over the keys to D’Andra.  Hallelujah!

Cary, Brandi, and Stephanie all meet for lunch where Brandi once again needs to PICK A LANE.  I don’t understand all of the constant back and forth this season. Are you with Cary or against her? Are you with LeeAnne or against?!
Brandi decides that she is against LeeAnne and with Cary, but I still can’t believe all of the horrible things that Brandi said about Cary.  Talk about forgiveness to just drop it and move on! Maybe it was the tequila shots before even speaking that helped? Note to self….. TEQUILA SHOTS are the gateway to forgiveness.

This Carnival Themed engagement party is incredible.  I wish they would have showed more because everything looked absolutely AH-mazing.
Almost as amazing as Kameron’s dress and hair
(I was so in love with Kameron’s hair that I took pictures of the TV and texted it to a friend who needs wedding hair ideas. TooFar?)

LeeAnne is unaware at her engagement party that Brandi is switching teams again, but nevertheless, smiles and tells her how much she loves her as a friend, and then adds a warm and loving “I’ll slit your throat” if she crosses her.  Awwww. So sweet. Hashtag Friendship.

At brunch the next morning at D’Andra’s, Cary and LeeAnne begin their bickering but in a shocking turn of events (to LeeAnne) Brandi buts in and goes after LeeAnne even harder than Cary.  LeeAnne seems genuinely shocked.  Jaw open, and then ends up crying. Brandi says ENOUGH with the slitting throats threats.

Kameron tells Brandi that she doesn’t need to worry.  LeeAnne doesn’t actually mean her death threats, not really.  Kameron follows it up with a “like, right????!!???” because even she isn’t sure, but she sure as sheyite doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of it.

The ladies storm out, and the seasons ends divided.
Cary + Steph + Brandi drew a line in the sand.

:: I, TONYA ::

I cannot wait to watch this Tonya Harding movie.
For real.
Gonna eat it up.

:: RHONJ :: 

Between our non stop cable outages (Comcast is on my shite list) I am still behind. But I’m 3+ episodes in.
I like Pigtails Margaret so far.  Think I’m into her as a new addition.
Is everyone named Joe? Seriously, we have like 5 housewives and 3 house-husbands named Joe.
Melissa’s Joe is BUYING A RESTAURANT? How insanely dumb is everyone in that family with money?! They take it to a whole new level of stupidity.
And why on earth would he put his wife and his sister in the same restaurant when they JUST BECAME FRIENDS.  The two of them are going to kill each other.
And, HELLO, don’t buy a restaurant and then force your wife to work there! She has a damn job! And the common decency to ask you your opinion before opening her store! I am so team Melissa on this one.
I’m going to try to catch up and give commentary, but looking at Danielle Staub is extremely difficult for me.
This Siggy and Pigtails Margaret feud is so stupid.  I used to be all the way Team Siggy.

I love Siggy because I think she is one of the only genuine people on the show, but she needs to let it freaking go.   She’s pulling a Shannon so far this season and just acting like a lunatic, and not in a good way.

And Margaret being so upset when Siggy starts crying and saying I don’t want to fight, I want to move past it. I mean, she invited her to the party, she texted from the party saying she wanted to be done with it, and now she is saying it again.
Siggy, GET OVER IT.
The last part I saw was the beginning of Episode 4 where Margaret reveals that Siggy is getting “pellets in her butt” and I was SO confused.  She explained it is hormones, but wowza I had never heard of hormone therapy like that before!
and I did laugh at Joe saying ‘When you need the pellets I’m going to shoot myself’ 
But seriously, Danielle Staub, I just can’t.
Her voice. Her face.  (long deeeeep breath) I’m trying to take one for the team on this y’all …… I’m trying…..

:: Bethenny’s Dog :: 
Bethenny’s (Insane) dog Cookie passed away at the age of 17.  Any long time Bravo-viewer will remember this dog vividly from her early years on NY and from Bethenny Ever After. She was an absolute lunatic.  Truly.  Would attack everyone.
But, what was so weird about all of this was Bethenny instagram videoing EVERY single moment that happened with the dogs passing – from the moment she started seizing on.

It’s stuff like this that makes me insane with her.  Put the damn camera down and calmly console your dog.  If I’m dying, someone being in hysterics around me isn’t making it better.  And you are with your 7 year old daughter! Lock it up a bit!!!!
But really, I don’t understand the videoing and adding to instagram story the whole time – spend your final moments consoling the dog you love so much!!???

:: Floribama Shore ::
The land known for airbrush tee shirts, Panama City Beach Florida, is getting it’s own show.  Lordy.
I’m not going to lie, I loved me some Jersey Shore trash TV back in the day.
But I am much older.  And wiser.  And still have the same poor taste in television.  So we’ll see.
I really do love me some Pauly D…. not gonna lie…

:: J. Lo and A Rod ::

J. Lo can do no wrong in my eyes.  I hope she’s happy with A. Rod, and their Vanity Fair article sure make it seem so! You can read (what I think is) the whole cover article here.

I mean, they’ve gotta make it?
They both have nicknames with a single first initial and an abbreviated last name…. maybe this is all she needed all along to find the perfect match!?

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
My-Boyfriend-Andy-Cohen’s WWHL is now a PODCAST!
This makes my life so much better.
Living on Eastern time is THE WORST.  Shows come on so late.  So I always have a million WWHL to catch up on and get so far behind.  Now I can listen to them o my commute!

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
Teresa Giudice trashed Sofia Vergara at an event,
calling her a bitch and then saying that she is an immigrant and should act like.

Yes, you read that correctly.
Allow this to be exhibit 974 why I really just don’t want to watch Jersey!!

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: RH of DALLAS ::
We learned more details about LeeAnne and her flesh eating virus.  She also was on the Juicy Scoop Podcast this week discussing it and I think I had too much Carnie for the week.  It was just annoyingly obvious that she really loves herself, thinks she is hilarious, and loves hearing herself talk (coming from the girl who blogs weekly about utter garbage just to put it out there….#hypocrite I know)

Do we think that the flesh eating virus came from being in the water in Mexico or because her OBGYN did the breast augmentation?  I’m sure it was from still healing and then having the water in Mexico get all up in there, but still, it just makes me wonder….. I mean, first he used a level to get the nipples even (it’s tricky y’all, plastic surgeons don’t need to have an eye for symmetry or anything – come on!) and then he says to use a compact in between her boobs?! I MEAN, WHAT!

editors note : but seriously…. I will never get over the level thing.  That is like getting an eyebrow wax and the girl pulling out a protractor or something, only 50 million times worse because this is a board certified plastic surgeon and it’s you under anesthesia getting your nipples reattached)

For how much I don’t necessarily like/love/need Cameron, I actually really enjoy what she brings to the show.  I think my moment of loving her was this single line alone :

I was alarmingly excited to see this stupid dog food launch party, and somehow was like “Oh her pink sparkly gown! She looks amazing!”  How has she brainwashed me?
I really wish you could read all of the Cameron parts in *her voice* aka very slow and affected, so please, if you can, the following is to be read in Cameron’s voice because it just makes it so much better. 
Cameron wanted everyone to walk into the party for Sparkle Dog and really “feel the sparkle.”  The amount that this party must have cost is absolutely insane.
But seriously….. is there ever an acceptable event for me to wear a long sparkly pink dress (cough: no) Because I really want it.

The “pink dog food” turns out to just be run of the mill brown kibble with pieces of pink dog food thrown in there. They had to add some regular kibble to the recipe because apparently the “pink potty situation” was a little alarming.
The most surprising and craziest moment at the SparkleDog Launch Party had nothing to do with Cameron.  It was D’Andra bursting into tears when the Dog Psychic said something about her dogs relationship with its birth mom.
oh, I forgot to mention, in addition to the 97 over the top things with this dog food launch, there was a dog psychic at the party to give readings.  
I can only imagine that life with her mom Dee can get pretty stressful, but COME ON, how is one generic sentence from a dog psychic breaking you down this much?   The psychic nods at the dog and says “okay” three times as though it’s speaking to her and D’Andra is like “(tears pouring) I just have so much going on right now” . I’m trying to be open and understanding about it because I cry at the drop of a hat, but at a pink dog food launch party with a dog psychic? And a dog psychic who is like “hmmmm lets see…. okay the dog loves you and worries about you.”  LOCK IT UP!!
Is it wrong to make fun of this? Probably…..

Stephanie and Brandi and Cary and LeeAnne and everyone are still arguing about the plastic surgeons, if people were killed on an operating table, if Cary was the Nanny for Mark, etc.  But I feel like nothing came from any of it? OH.  Except LeeAnne walking over to Mark and being like “Rich adores you, we’d love for you to come to our engagement party.”  Oh sure! Keep commenting about him going to the gay bar and cheating, but we just couldn’t celebrate our engagement with you and Cary!  Have I mentioned that LeeAnne really scares me?

editors note : I know that each week I am changing ‘Cameron’ to ‘Kameron’ and back, but I just can’t keep up . Ever since The Bachelor/Bachelorette where every girls name is spelled 17 different ways, I decided that in addition to keeping you guessing as to what the heck I am talking about in my run-on sentences, I will keep you guessing about how the heck a name is spelled. 

:: RH of OC ::
The ladies landed in Iceland, and I immediately thought this is even worse than when they went to Ireland.  What an awful trip idea! Not for real life – I think Ireland and Iceland would be amazing for real life – but for Housewives!? YAWN.  If you can’t give us Dubai and Hong Kong like the Beverly Hills girls at least give us something.

What are everyones thoughts on Tamra this week?
I think Tamra is a mean girl who never accepts responsibility for a single solitary thing ever (i.e. everything with her daughter Sydney) and this week is a perfect example.
Tamra started a group text on the trip and included everyone except Lydia, the host of the trip.  Was it a mistake or an oversight? Who cares.  Just say sorry and that you didn’t mean to exclude her form the text chain.  It’s really that simple.  Instead she got so defensive and argumentative, and then when Lydia got upset and left the table, Tamra acted like she wasn’t being rude at all and that Lydia is crazy.  Lydia did act childish about the whole thing, but still, Tamra’s a mean girl who always knows exactly what she’s doing to cause problems.

I think Kelly was having the time of her life on this trip. She was straight up having eye sex with every person she encountered in Iceland.  She really was nice to everyone though, staff included.

OMG Shannon.  I feel so bad for her but I just want to tell her to STAHP doing EVERYTHING she has been doing this season.  Especially getting all jealous over Tamra and Vicki hanging out this trip: LET THEM HAVE EACH OTHER. They are awful!

Seriously, in what world would Tamra ever be BFF with Shannon?
In the same world where Tamra goes to Lydia’s house for Bible Study.

Vicki hadn’t been feeling well on the first full day in Iceland, but she felt great enough to party until 3 am and talk about how fun it was all morning.  We end the episode with her starting to feel like she is having a heart attack and ambulance/doctor coming.

I’m not saying she wasn’t sick, but seriously, she is the girl who cried wolf.  She makes it so hard to believe her or have any sympathy for her whatsoever.
Also, you are 55 years old and you drank until 3 AM after being on a 14 hour flight and then had to be up and ready by 8 AM! I bet your heart is racing!! IT’S CALLED A HANGOVER.

and then in the scenes from next week she is sitting with all of the girls later that night so clearly she was fine.
But no….. it’s a heart attack!
SOMEONE MAKE HER AN ICELANDIC CASSEROLE.
editors note that I should totally keep to myself, so I won’t:
every time I write about the Casserole’s I picture it being said
“God Dammit someone get that woman a casserole!” In the same voice from Troop Beverly Hills when she’s overboard and says “God Dammit someone throw me a lifesaver!” 

but…. to end on a positive… Iceland looks gorgeous.
I’m trying……

:: RH of NJ :: 
alright, you all convinced me to get on board.  Unfortunately our TV and internet has been in and out CONSTANTLY the last week and a half and I haven’t been able to see the last 2 episodes. (I’ve been having to run to Starbucks to blog since last week…… last night and this morning included!)

I’m sad about the ganging up on Siggy and her coming off a little Coo Coo though because I think she is the only genuine and intelligent person on the whole show (hence why I really can’t stand watching NJ)
BUT. Give me a little time and I’ll comment.

And so far I can’t stand the woman in the pigtails,
but I can’t stand any of them really, so that’s not saying much?

:: Murder + Crime Shows and Podcasts ::
I don’t know if it’s the Halloween timing or what, but I have true crime on the mind.  I loved the Dirty John Podcast (just 6 one hour episodes) and I loved watching The Lacey Peterson documentary and now may start the Menendez brothers.  But the thing I still can’t handle one bit is any actual scary movie, or even a scary movie commercial for that matter.

Is it messed up, or does it say something bad about me, that I can’t handle any “fake” crimes and murders in horror films, but am interested in real life murders and crimes? Well, not all murders.  Nothing with breaking and entering and killing a woman alone or something – I won’t sleep for weeks! I shut off any Dateline (don’t watch it alone) when it hits “too close to home”.

But, like, crimes of passion and premeditated murders?  Love em! All for it! Could marathon it on the couch all day long!  Seriously does that make me horrible? Or do all women feel that way?

:: John Stamos Engaged :: 

John Stamos got engaged to his 31 year old girlfriend this week.  31 means we all basically stood a chance with him….. damn!

I feel like Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the only long standing bachelors remaining…..(although I know Stamos was married before)

:: JT Superbowl :: 

Justin Timberlake announced this week that he will be performing the Super Bowl Halftime Show for 2018! I am so excited! I still remember vividly watching the JT and Janet show where her boob popped out.

It was my Senior year of HS and there were a ton of us over at a friends house who luckily was an early adopter of Tivo.  We all had a lot of fun rewinding and replaying that over and over and over again. 
While I’m sure nothing will top the surprise of that night, I know he will have an amazing show so I am so excited it’s him!

:: Jackhole of the Week :: 

I don’t even want to categorize this as the Jackhole because I am still so on the fence about Jason (he seemed so great! how could he have gone crazy?! I’m still clinging to hope she drove him mad and we’re only hearing one side of the story?) butttt………

Jason accepted a please deal in the stalking case with Bethenny.

:: Mazel of the Week ::
Any of you as into Dancing with the Stars as I am?
Because seriously I feel like no one watches this show and it is THE BEST.  It’s like Big Brother: I will never stop preaching about how much I love it so you all just need to get on board.  And until then, I will share videos of how insanely talented they are and let you know that I cry every single week at least once.
But that’s pretty normal for me…. 

Lindsey stering is a professional violinist who is partnered with Mark, but it just came to my attention that she and Derek Hough have been doing music videos together.  (Can you hear my mom screaming “through me!? I emailed it to you!” from where you are? Because I sure can…. )

It is AH-MAZING.
They did another video together too for The Arena.
Anyways….. watch and enjoy.  I love him.

Sorry for late posts this week, our TV and Internet have been in and out constantly since last week.  We may need to get new boxes (and lose my DVR’d shows!!! and set up all new Season Recordings!? THE HORROR!!!)
Oh, and I’m late for a spin class so especially sorry for my lack of english today.  I don’t work well in a space with people hopped up on Coffee that I do not drink.  I find I perform best in my giant white fuzzy robe, pink furry socks, in the “pajama pose” (Will + Grace) on my couch, remote in hand, jumping between 17 different fragmented thoughts.
also, hasn’t Will & Grace just been THE BEST!? 

I’m flying to NY today for one of my best friend’s weddings! Follow along on instagram! 

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.