DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: The Bachelor ::

The ladies head south to Ft. Lauderdale, which Arie says is very “sexy” and “cool”.  Um. I mean…… No. Those are not the two words I would use to describe Ft. Lauderdale? Or what we often referred to in our younger years as Frat Lauderdale where people would rent kegs for frat weekends and people flock to get on nasty cruise ships.  I mean, I don’t want to sound like LuAnn debating “West Palm” versus “Palm Beach” when you are pretending that Ft. Lauderdale is Miami or something, but let’s be realistic here.

Chelsea, single mother who was the “arie-stealer” weeks 1 and 2 gets the first one on one date for a yacht day.

So….. just a side note before I continue : I started doing voice notes recordings (hashtag nerd alert) when watching certain shows so that I don’t have to keep typing and can actually watch, and I wish I could put my actual voice in here because here is how this next recording went:
“So, I wonder how much money the producers gave Chelsea to OHHHHHH MY GOD IS THAT A FULL SIDE BOD TAT?!?!”  He has like, a HUGE side bod tat that they only showed for .2 seconds before suddenly he had a life jacket on covering his dad bod and later there is something else they have never showed before unless I am blind.  FOR REAL!? Ughhhh. NO ARIE.  NO. It’s like a sunshine medallion looking thing too! I thought we never saw his bod because he has a dad bod but perhaps there are two reasons.

Anyways, before I spit my food out from seeing the tat, I was trying to make fun of the fact that Chelsea says that she is on a dream boat with a dream boat.  Please.  No.  And I’m praying the producers literally wrote that out and made you say it.

Chelsea tells a sob story about her husband/baby daddy.  He promised her the world and then suddenly when their son was a newborn she was kicked to the curb for a newer, shinier lady.  But her story kinda focuses on him being rich and giving her everything???

Do I feel sorry for mom Chelsea? or does she sound like someone who wasn’t looking for the love for the #RightReasons ? Sounds like because a guy had money she jumped right in?  Do i feel bad that he cheated and up and left?  Or am I remembering that she was the villian week 1 and 2 before Krazy Krystal came out to play and production chose to focus on just one? and do I remember that she is leaving her son for 6 weeks to be on a show? not sure…. just playing devils advocate here….

She gets the rose.  She seems nice enough but don’t they always until they aren’t?

The group date is at the bowling alley, and luckily my husband walked in as the Big Lebowski music played because I was about to freak out that Arie licked the bowling ball until he reminded me that he was just re-enacting part of the movie

(Fun fact: he looked at me differently when we were dating for weeks after he made me we watched that movie together and I said it was one of the worst movies I had ever seen….. apparently it’s like every mans favorite movie ever? Thank GAWD he still thought I was absolutely hilarious and forgave me.  But no really…. it’s a sore spot for him that I hated it.)
They break into two teams for a bowling comp to win time with Arie that night.  Krazy Krystal is of course on the winning team and acts like it’s literally The Hunger Games or something and this is just THE most important thing to ever happen.
Krystal is overjoyed and acting like she just ate some pasta with the Vanderpump kids high on life when Arie drops the ball that everyone can stay for the nighttime date because he feels bad.  Mic. Drop. If looks could kill. (and seriously STOP with the hair/head flicks Krystal!) 
I don’t know if there is a model example of someone with Resting Betch Face, but Krystal really is the model example of the Psycho smile sh*t eating grin.  There is some serious crazy behind those eyes.

We normally never get to see anything between the day date and night date, but tonight we learn that on the bus ride home, Krystal’s had a sh*t fit.  Krystal apparently went on a tirade about Arie being a liar and that he goes back on his word and can’t be trusted or something.  (um. it’s bowling.  and it’s the bachelor.) And we get to see the ladies prepping for the date and discussing it while Krystal changes into a white robe and says she won’t be joining the date.  AND that her bags are packed (lies. we all know her leaving is a pile of lies).  She says that the ladies can tell Arie she isn’t there because “he was disrespectful… to the ladies of Team Blue. Arie set an intention of….. we were there to compete……..and he didn’t ask if it was okay….. Something I look for in a partner is to make decisions together…..”

The ladies go downstairs for the evening date and I’m a little ticked that they were like “No we’re not all here! Krystal’s missing!” because it truly would have been HIGH-larious to see how long it took him to notice.  There were a gazillion of them – something tells me, it wouldn’t have been for a VERY long time.  Way to ruin the fun Baby Bekah.  Show your age and let us have some fun this is not the time to be mature!!!!

Krazy Krystal is a MASTER at her craft (psychosis?) because the moment Arie finds out, he goes straight upstairs.  They have this roundabout conversation where if someone had just walked in you would think something ACTUALLY went down other than bowling and everyone being invited.

After Arie returns to the rest of the girls, Krystal then appears fully dressed on the date.  She sits and starts on her schpeal again “my feelings were really hurt today…..” What??? She basically gets told to get the eff upstairs and I am actually SHOCKED that she went back upstairs.

Tia gets the other One on One date, which they make as hicked-out as possible in case we didn’t know that she is from Arkansas, and all I need to say is: Did Tia forget her pants for this evening part of the date?! Girl, that better be a romper but either way…. the fact that I have to question it, DAMN that thing is short. She tells him she is falling in love with him, so Tia will make it to Fantasy Suite week FOR SURE.

Finally…. the Rose Ceremony…. where WE KNOW Krystal stays until next week because the bachelor aired a promo for next week’s episode with her in it 45 minutes into the show.  THANKS A LOT. SOME OF US DEVOTE TWO HOURS TO THIS EVERY WEEK AND THEN FAR MORE WRITING BS RECAPS ON IT.  THROW US A BONE ABC!

The girls ask Krystal why she locked herself in her room all day : “Yesterday, I wasn’t hiding in my room.  I was investing in myself and growing from….. the struggle…… and discovery.” WHAT????   Bekah just can’t let it go and it’s like STOP TALKING ABOUT IT BEKAH.  YOU’RE PULLING A SCHEANA. Just drop it and move on!

Taxidermy lover girl gets SO much air time this episode because of her discussions with Krystal and I’m just wondering WHY she is still there.  She asks him during her alone time before the Rose Ceremony in her game of “100 Questions” if he would eat a human because of course she would. And he just makes out with her basically as his response?!

Back to Krazy….. she is so annoyed that the girls have nothing better to do but talk about her.  She tells the camera “I’m done. (open hand drop motion) . That was Glitter.  Glitter I’m done.”  Seriously…. is THIS GIRL on pasta too? What is going on?

She steals Arie away for some alone time to chat.  She says that the reason she got so upset was she grew up in a bowling alley…….she “forgives Arie” for what I’m not sure, because nothing happened, and then stuff about her mom choosing men at the bowling alley? Huh? I don’t know.  I mean….. there’s more BS but who knows. I honestly am loving this episode because I never thought it was possible that this much crap could come from inviting the losing team to the evening date.

Krystal is happy that Arie got to see all of her sides “fun, passionate, sad, emotional, futuristic” Yes…. futuristic.
(I. CAN’T.)
because of course that’s what was going on and she just now mentions it…..
She is taking over for Annalease who had the traumatic experience with bumper cars on the car smashing date and then a traumatic experience with dogs on the puppy date.

It ends with the signature villian-of-the-season-move with her sniffing her rose with Krazy Eyes poking out the top.  It takes a certain type to become a body builder….. and I would say Tamra from OC is right up there with the crazy bethces…..

I mean good for her…. and I know from Legally Blonde that endorphins make you happy, so happy people shouldn’t be crazy…..
but not eating carbs can lead a woman do some some seriously insane things……

WHY ARE THERE STILL 50 PEOPLE THERE?!? LET’S GET ON WITH IT ABC!!!

:: Summer House :: 

I just love Summer House.  It makes me wish I had moved to NYC after college instead of Chicago JUST so that I could have spent weekends in the Hamptons (as if I ever could have afforded to get dibs on the pantry in this house but still…..)
New boy Amit is “self employed” – what does this mean?  It doesn’t even say “entrepreneur” ? Later they say he just travels and stays on peoples couches? I need more details….. loving and wise readers who know so much and send me ALL the deets….. please tell me more……

We learn that Lauren and Carl made out after the Pride Parade the Sunday before.  LAUREN! Seriously!  All of America will pay for your sister to fly in and out every week so that you can CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO CARL.  Anyone is better than Carl!

Danielle, the girl who used to date Carl back in the day, learns that they made out and when they are having a vineyard picnic (seriously can I move to the Hamptons?) she flat our calls Lauren out on it.  I would definitely label it as “confrontational” and certainly not the way to make girlfriends in the house.  Bad move Danielle… I think you will regret this.  And come on, rule #1 of Summer House is not always No Relationships.  In this Summer House, Rule #1 is DO NOT PISS OF A WERKIS TWIN.

I want Kyle + Amanda to make it because they’re so cute together….. but really it’s just because I just love Kyle. His tiny commentary just makes me smile always, like the 4th of July cheers “To being independent…. but…. also being in committed relationships.”

Speaking of committed relationships, last summer and last year, Lindsay was dating Ev-Rett. (to be read in her voice of EV-RETT!) He is till on her mind because the 4th of July is the day that Everett came back from Afghanistan.  She can’t help but think of him.  He was her person.

Lock it up Lindsay….. the two of you together were THE WORST.

She decides to go after Amit to prove how “over it” she really is and make out with him for the night.

When Lauren learns that Carl just “took in a delivery” of 3 girls (ahem: another example of why I love Kyle) from last weekend’s Polo Match, she says she “always considered herself to be the cool girl who is easy going…..”
Um.  I’m team Werkus, but not really.  Not really at all…..

Stephen is always good for the one liners as well.  “They really do flock to alcohol like people flock to food at an all you can eat buffet…….”

And as the drinks keep flowing we see a cake disappear from the kitchen and LAUREN. WERKUS.  shoves the cake in Carl’s face and says “here best friend” and kisses him.  The more amazing thing was her trying to the move one of the flirtatious girls out of the way with her foot by basically kicking her to the side.
When will it end with these two!?

Most important question of this week’s episode : Where were they storing all of these beverages and mixers? Where was all of the food? Are there multiple garage fridges? I saw the baby pool filled with beer, and then I know they have a big main ktichen fridge, but there was a lot of booze being consumed.  When you see multiple bottle of Fireball EMPTY before the sun has gone down, there is more booze present than you can wrap your head around.  Please, party experts, tell me your tricks.  

:: RHOBH :: 

Before getting into this weeks episode, I keep seeing rumors circling  about Tom + Erica separating.  It’s been going on for awhile, but I have always ignored them and now there seem to be more….. I hope they aren’t true?!

We kick it off with a commercial for 50 Shades of Grey narrated by Kyle and Mauricio. This is insane.  These Bravo movie promos have really gone too far.  Love you Kyle…. but don’t need to hear you telling Mauricio you’d like him to be more like Mr. Grey.  Gracias.

It’s PEE-KAY’s 50th birthday!!!! How excited are we!!!!!????
Dorit explains to us minions that the responsible amount of money for a party is between a Range Rover and Rolly Royce. Oh hahaha (rich people fake laugh) you are so clever Dorit! Simply hilarious.

Of course PEE-KAY’s birthday has to have a performance by the one and only Boy George Dorit.  It’s the Dorit show always – even if the birthday “is not about her.”  She thinks “WHAT A GIFT TO BE ABLE TO GIVE HIM” for him to be able to see her perform.

Ah, yes.  Such a gift.

Erika and Mikey help choreograph standing there and signing and I love seeing the flashback of Mikey working with Gretchen (of Gretchen Christine Beau-tay.)

The night of the party arrives and almost every Housewife rolls to the boat because they cannot walk down the plank in their heels.  Love these gems the producers leave in for us.

How did Kyle’s husband get on the boat? Did he really uber copter in?
It just makes me happy because Dorit is like (to be read in her fake british accent: “WE ARE SO IMPORTANT WE HAVE TO TAKE A LIMO TO A HELICOPTER TO A BOAT JUST TO GET THERE” and Maurico is like “sounds good I’ll to the same after work see ya there….”)

OMG.
DORIT’S.
BOOBS.
IN.
THIS.
DRESS.

You are lucky I am even discussing other things right now. 
It’s all I want to to discuss.
I am going to find a way to make a gif of her sitting at this dinner table because I cannot for the life of me find one!!!! 
SITTING AT THIS DINNER TABLE.  SHOVING THEM IN HER BROTHER IN LAWS FACE.
Why does she keep wearing these strapless boob traps?! STRAPLESS IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
I thought we couldn’t get worse than her Vegas Boob Ensembles, but this takes the cake.

She “performs” with Boy George (and her ” this is for you BAY-BAY” was particularly fake British’d up, even for her) and of course to her “she nailed it”. What else would she have said?

The only thing missing from this dramatic Grammy winning performance is her Oscar winning performance of seeing JAGGAH and PHEE-NIX walk on the boat as she screams MY BAY-BEEEEE’S as though she has been being held hostage for month and hasn’t seen them.

It ends with the ladies on the border of the boat discussing how calm and grounded Dorit  was for once, and meanwhile INSIDE she is calling Teddi a psycho. Twice. It all stems from the wine versus champagne glass and Dorit once again thinking she has “manners”.  Riiiiiiight.  It’s really Teddi just sitting there and Dorit getting herself all riled up and furious.  LVP just HAS to step in for commentary and Kyle for once stands on the other side with Teddi!
And then ends with “I’m not going to get over it if you keep acting like a psycho bitch.”

Dorit’s arguments make no sense.  First of all, Teddi didn’t bring it up. And then Dorit is saying that Teddi is too high strung when good God it’s A GLASS and SHE is the one freaking out about it.

I’m looking forward to this beach house overnight stay at Teddi’s (next week I think?) because it seems like it’s going to be an absolute nightmare.  I mean…. the wrong wine glass – which was delivered by a bartender, NOT by Teddi – has caused psycho bitch allegations…. so there’s that……

editors note : Based off how badly Dorit criticized the magazine photographer for BH Mag, I’d love to hear her thoughts on this photo…. 

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

Brittany’s mom (and sister) have been flown in by Kristin so that Kristin can pretend to have a story line this season so they can talk some sense into Brittany.

Somehow we are still discussing Rob and the cheating make-out (but y’all…. ROB DOESN’T EVEN LIKE TO KISS, remember!?) Scheana is the only one still talking about Rob, and I believe Katie that it’s done, because I think everyone is sick of talking about Scheana.

The gang all gets together for Peter’s Birthday (if Jax is 37 how old is Peter??….) Why does Peter associate with these people? He seems to actually be a nice person without a heart of ice.

editors note: I was literally trying on a red jumpsuit when Brittany’s mom walks into the party in a red jumpsuit that was oddly similar to it (don’t worry mine was far cuter than this).  although below it looks pink……

And It is now being swiftly returned as I check my reflection
to ensure I am not wearing Barbie Glitter Pink Lipstick too.
AND THEN Kristin is in a Red Jumpsuit on WWHL….. ahhhh. They’ve ruined it for me.

Scheana and Katie are arguing despite Lala trying to mend fences, and in true Pump style, things really escalate.

Scheana says Katie is the fakest person and Schwartz comes out of nowhere saying that Scheana is the fakest person in the building – just look at her nails, her selfies, she’s like a bootleg Kardashian- and I must say, I enjoy this-mid-level-of-intoxication-Tom.  Well played, Tom.

Lala breaks it up by screaming at everyone about feminism and women getting along….. and then probably dropped some eff bombs or comments about her “kitty cat” doing things we don’t need to hear about.
I know I say this every week, but I just think Lala is so pretty…. my goodness her mouth is as filthy as it gets, but the girl is gorgeous.

James is playing tennis with Lala the day after the party and accidentally says “Logans my babe.  Logans my girlfriend…..” and says it’s because Lala was confusing him.  Meanwhile, across town, Brittanys sister shares with the group that Logan told her at the party that he and James are sleeping together.
While James denies any truth to this, all of his friends are commenting that they firmly believe it.  Ruh roh.

He gets Logan to admit that he said it but he was lying and it seemed like a completely orchestrated phone call so I’m just not so sure……

Jax and Brittany’s mom go to dinner and everything involving the conversation is so uncomfortable.  She’s just calmly asking for cheating details and it’s so strange. But everything’s fine, because Shelly just loves Jax! Does this woman have any brain cells anywhere in there? Shelly thinks all is ok and they should stay together because Jax says he’s “a terrible person and doesn’t like himself” Not even a little. UM yeah. He’s horrible…. so that is why you think she should give him a second chance? Because even HE thinks he’s a terrible person?  When even HE is saying he’s awful you TELL YOUR DAUGHTER TO RUN.
direct quote: “Jax I have saw a lot of good things in you. I don’t give up on you.”
I can’t.

:: Celeb Big Brother ::

The cast has been released a for the first season of Celebrity Big Brother and some I am excited about, but most I am not.  I am still super excited for the show though.  I am  cannot believe freaking Brandi Glanville is on ANOTHER reality show.  This is insane.  Show starts Wednesday, set your DVR’s! (I can tell this will be nothing like regular BB, the greatest show on earth, but hopefully it will be enjoyable)

:: David Foster + Katherine McPhee ::

These two still creep me out.  He is 35 YEARS OLDER THAN HER! More than twice her age!
{insert Big Daddy Gif of Old Skin and Loose B@ll$, GROSSSSS}
So awful!!!!!
Apparently it’s a full blown real thing for sure.  Woof.

This picture above is old, from Idol times, but it really shows the age well, dontyathink?!

:: Dane Cook + 19 yo GF ::
Apparently this is a thing….. because 45 year old Dane Cook has been dating a 19 year old for one year. People! Seriously!

:: Mazel of the Week ::

To Danielle Staub on her 20th Engagement
…… this is clearly sarcastic for those who don’t know me just yet…..

and Teresa is going to be a bridesmaid…… how wonderful!!!

:: Jackhole of The Week ::
Katherine Heigl is joining Suits.
Whaaaaaaatttt ???

I feel like this is an immense error.  Big Mistake.  Huge.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: THE BACHELOR ::

It’s the first week in the house, and time for the fun to begin! (The Bachelor is so much more fun than The Bachelorette always, because a house full of girls is always better television, don’t you think?)
Becca K gets the first date. She looks just like the actress on Nashville that is the singer on Rayna James Album.

doppleganger for her right?
EDITORS NOTE : How in the actual heck is Nashville STILL on TV? This is finally the last season (although they said that twice).  It jumped the shark and I jumped ship years ago, and based on the commercials, it is EXACTLY the same plot line still.
but I digress…..
Krystal, raspy hippie cali girl fitness lady, is so glad it’s not her because motorcycles are SUPER dangerous

Rachel Zoe is the stylist and Becca gets to pick a million dresses.
The Bachelor has really upped the ante.  This is a killer date.

He’s back to looking like an amazing kisser. Hallelujah! I’ll try to forget about the nasty kiss with Chelsea ruining it.  We need some Emily-inspired make outs pushed up against a wall Arie! I know you’ve got it in you!

The producers have decided that coming home at the end of the night alone isn’t enough to rile up the girls trapped at home.  Now they send them home mid-date to show off their incredible date and get all dressed up in the RZ dress, Loubouton heels, and Neil Lane jewels (all of which she gets to keep). Savages.

speaking of producers riling them up…. when is my secret Lifetime obsession UnREAL coming back on?!

On the evening part of the date, Becca shares her life story about dad passing away and they bond.  I like her a lot she seems very very normal and sweet.  Please Lord let the sane ones stick around!

Time for Krystal’s date….

I don’t know how long I can listen to this voice?! Because at one point week 1 she spoke for several sentences without this voice – SO I AIN’T BUYIN IT SWEETIE.

They go to his house in Scottsdale and then go meet his family. Because, of course! Why wouldn’t she on a first date?  She is worried because she isn’t close with her family.
She shares sad family stuff, like saving up all her money to buy herself a comforter.  While all of that is sad, I am distracted by the fact that her dress is UP her ass and nonexistant.  She has the bod for it, but don’t lift your arms girlfriend or the world will see your hoo-hah.

GROUP DATE! It’s a Demolition Derby competition involving crashing cars into each other until the transmission dies.

This is actually Ah-mazing.  I am all for this date. Annalease cannot deal due to a childhood traumatic experience during bumper cars.  Yes…. traumatic bumper cars. She is very distraught and cannot stop crying….. yet I cannot stop laughing. They do a flashback re-enactment of the bumper cars with kids and carnival music and I am cracking up. Again, these producers are savages.  But apparently so am I? It’s simply hiarlious.

this bumper car reenactment on The Bachelor is the best film of 2018 pic.twitter.com/13Qv1mgwg5

— Andrew Gruttadaro (@andrewgrutt) January 9, 2018

I really don’t want to like Tia, who is Raven’s mini-me, because Raven makes me absolutely insane, but I think I do….. her “this is some redneck sh*t” comment kinda made me warm and fuzzy. Damn.

They got to spray paint their cars and one girl put Back Dat Ass Up and I love it.  But in all honesty, this gets insane and I kind of understand why the girl was freaked out (except that the girl was freaked out bc of childhood trauma not concern over a pending concussion….. so never mind).  This is like a chiropractors nightmare.

I laughed RULL hard during the actual competition part of it. it would have been better with the Wipeout commentary instead of chris harrison’s commentary, but ya know, I’ll live.

These girls go nuts with this.  With the addition of the background music, I am thoroughly enjoying myself watching this.

The evening portion of the date comes and Brittany- who was going nuts in her car – is unavailable, leaving us wondering if she is concussed.  Get it girl.

Immediately after the cheers for the date, whattaya know, Chelsea grabs him away first.  This girl! Seriously! She claims it’s important for her to steal him first because she left a 3 year old at home.  The girls correct her by saying no biatch we all left something at home.

We learn that Siene, the winner of the car fight, is a serious catch.  Yale grad and all! Arie comments that he finished high school and then just raced cars….. wait….. is he not college educated? I need to google this…..

Baby Becca gets lots of quality time with Arie and they really hit it off.  He is into her big time I think… pretty sure he still has no idea how old she is? also pretty sure he would not care.

Bibiana has an absolute melt down that she hasn’t gotten time to talk to him, but when the girls encourage her to squeeze in at the end, she refuses to go last because she thinks its too late and a waste and storm off yelling “Don’t follow me with that effing camera.” I feel like the girls were really trying to be nice to her too!? She looks so sweet and innocent but packs some serious spunk.  I like it.

Arie prepares to hand out his date rose and says Chelsea’s name and a big thing that leads her and everyone (Me included – I started typing WHAATTT) that she was getting the rose but PSYCH! He gives it to Siene.  That was so mean to Chelsea and I ain’t mad.

It’s the evening of the Rose Ceremony and 4 girls need to chat with him who didn’t get to go on dates, and also little Bibiana.  But the competition for season villian takes a turn from Chelsea to sweet little Raspy Voice Krystal.  She has a rose, and got a full one on one date, yet she goes and pulls him outside for some alone time.

Bibiana is pissed. Bib’s finally gets some alone time and who comes walking out again to steal him but Krystal.  UNREAL. Not once, but twice, AND already has a rose. Game on.  Bib’s is ready to throw down and wastes no time telling her so. Mic. Drop.

Of course for the rose ceremony the producers put Krystal and Bibiana right next to each other post fight.

The gal with the horribly dyed hair that wore a hideous bright yellow dress week one is wearing a better, but still hideous gown this week and gets sent home. Jenny gets rejected and storms off like a child.  He is really nice and follows her, which I liked, but she still acts like a brat.

Note to all Bachelor contestants – if you are embarrassed for being sent home early, don’t throw a fit and act like an idiot; THAT is what is embarrassing.  Not a stranger on TV who barely spoke two words to you sending you home – there is nothing embarrassing about that.

We see a commercial with our first look at the Bachelor Winter Games and it’s Princess Jasmine Ashley crying her eyes out all over again and a bunch of other losers former contestants.  At least this round has some competition like Bachelor Pad did, so I have high hopes for a lovely winter escape show that I will watch even if it is pure garbage.
spoiler : it will be pure garbage.

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS ::

Rinna and Erika head to Tokyo with her daughters, the “new Bella and Gigi”.  These outfits they land in are absolutely horrendous but I’m assuming they have to wear them for whatever store they were promoting. (at least I hope so, because otherwise I’m concerned……)

Tokyo really is the place for Erika Jayne and her “lewks”.  The pink wig fits here and should stay here.  Her little bo peep diary confessional ensemble can stay here too. They go to a Geisha house and Erika Jayne is ill prepared because she doesn’t realize she will need to remove her thigh high hooker boots. Whoops! It’s kinda fun to see her all dressed up from the knee’s up and then just plain ‘ol black athletic socks.  She is likely mortified that we the viewers see her in such a state! Their “authentic” meal looks terrifying but they couldn’t be more polite as they respectfully eat/pretend to eat it.

Later that night they have dinner with the two girls after their Vogue photo shoot and things get awkward. First the girls are showing Erika how riveting it is to watch someone eat pizza on their phone (seriously? hate to sound ……. whisper  “old” as Erika says….. but honestly WTF?) but then the convo skews realllllll uncomfortable.  I don’t even know how but it skews from watching a girl eat pizza to learning how to do sexual things from a book your mother wrote.  Lisa Rinna apparently had a sex book of some sort and details the art of giving a BJ.  I mean, your daughters read it and learn that thing from…. I don’t even….. ugh it’s just gross.  And icky.  I would die if I were Rinna in that situation and she just giggles!!!!

A highlight of the episode for me is LVP meeting with the crew of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, where she is now editor in chief.  Mark, the President, is a tiny little gay man that makes me laugh with every comment.  She hands him a tiny pink teacup and asks “is this gay enough for you?” and he whips back “Not gay enough!”.  The comments (inappropriate jobs for hands comments) keep flying and I am all giggles until I realize she is suggesting that Dorit be the model for her jewelry line that needs to be photographed.  She says that Dorit has “a beautiful décolletage” and I’m like errrmmmmmm???? In Vegas, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t peel my eyes off the screen due to the fact that her giant breasts were popping out of her strapless top and bouncing around in the most unfortuante manner every time she pulled her top up, but I guess if  I couldn’t look away that may be just what you’re looking for?!

Cut to Dorit the day of the shoot complaining about everything from the make up artist to the photographer.  We get out first dose (this episode) of Dorit being a real Biatch and pain in the ass.  She is straight up RUDE.  Note to self Dorit: If you really had such experience modeling (AKA you don’t, other than modeling your own designs) you would know that your opinion has nothing to do with it.  It’s not about you, it’s about the jewelry. The photographer didn’t ask you! She is a real gem to work with clearly.  Even rude to LVP!

Kyle is throwing a party at her house before the renovations really get underway, and we see GLENN!! Yay, Glenn! Her party planner that she has used since season one.  I love me some Glenn – he appears as though he sweats all over everything, but damn does he know how to throw a party! And he really rolls with the punches – a toilet sitting in the middle of the only functional bathroom!? No Problem! A power outage with no lights? Psshhh! Glenn’s got it handled! As Glenn LITERALLY doesn’t sweats the small stuff, Kyle is so perclempt that she realized her mother’s ashes are mixed in with the glasses and serving pieces for the table. Oh Kyle…….

I. cannot.  with Dorit.  These “looks” (note: Erika’s are lewks hers are just like WTF look are you going for!?) that she keeps pulling out are horrendous! The wigs, the clothes, the make up, all of it! For this dinner party she is dressed as “Hooker Chic does Bret Michaels”.  She is a beautiful woman…… why, oh why, does she do this?! The people she is paying an extreme amount of money to make her look like this must be laughing their asses off as she walks out the door.  Like “hey….. how about tonight, we tell her how amazing it will look to put her in lace tights and a bret Michaels Bandana? Dinner’s on you if she goes for it!”

Teddi and her husband Edwin arrive. While I find him zero bit attractive, he really does seem like such a nice man.  Very polite.  My adoration for Teddi grows with each episode, one of the reasons being because she calls people on her shit, but most importantly: She calls DORIT on her shit.

All Dorit does from the moment she walks in the door is act as though the power out is just unacceptable.  How dare someone have her there under those conditions!? She can’t possibly be bothered to EAT OUTDOORS at someone’s home! She tries so hard to act like she is some wealthy socialite and I’m like YOU AREN’T EVEN WEARING PANTS.  You are wearing lace tights! And ugly lace tights at that!? So sit your skinny as down at the table and say please and thank you!
ALSO, the party looks 10x more gorgeous in the candlelight – it seriously looks so beautiful and dreamy.

Mauricio arrives and he says he will call the Power Company and she is like “Oh thank goodness (thich spanish accent) MAURICIO”.  Pick a fake accent Dorit.  They’re all bad.  And fake. But stick to your fake british accent, puh-lease.

… well…… sit and say please and thank you she does not.  She proceeds to get wasted and make a complete ass of herself. You think it’s bad when she’s bitching about the lights and the heat but it just goes from there to her screaming and yelling nonsense at the table.  She starts yelling to Camille, who brought her boyfriend to dinner to introduce to everyone, about her being a “stupid see-you-next-tuesday” .
I couldn’t have loved this whole dinner party more, from Dorit’s outfit to the garbage that comes out of her mouth, because you can slap lipstick on a pig a fake British accent on a pretty face and buy some Hermes dinner plates, but I’ll be damned if this week didn’t show some true colors!

Like Teddi, I am done with Dorit for the evening, and we are left waiting for next week.

One thing we didn’t have to suffer through this week with Dorit?
Dorit and her kids – “JAGG-AH!!!!” and “PHEEENIXXX!!!” – Every time she lays eyes on them she acts as though has just come back from 6 months at war or something.  And as though them blinking is them curing cancer.  While I appreciate loving everything about your kids, enough already.

:: RELATIONSHEP ::

This show was far more entertaining when it was him going on first dates with 5 different girls per episode.  Ah well, I’m still watching. #standards. We pick up at JD’s party for his wife Elizabeth and I am reminded how freaking obnoxious JD is for the second week in a row.  Like, SO annoying. Also, I heard he and Elizabeth separated? Is this true…. I must google…..

Bella has to leave to go back to NYC for work and Shep clearly likes her the most because he is really distraught over it.  She is definitely the best option of all the ladies – she is young, but she’s the most mature and fun and normal.

Priscilla, the Brazilian 35 year old that “challenges him”, is smart and spicy but she would chop his nuts off.  Pardon my French.  But she takes no BS and would never date Shep in a million years.  She even said on her way to Charleston ‘why would she say no to a free vacation?’  Girl has been tanning her tuckus at the pool every change she gets.

Payton is the Southern girl who works at Vanderpump Dogs and is trying to be an actress in LA. She is a total biatch and has already had drunken arguments and jealous arguments with Shep, but gotta say, I really like her being there.  She makes the most absurd facial expressions all day every day.  She could really give Kate McKinnon and Kristin Wiig a run for their money in the facial expression department. However, honestly, adios Payton.  She doesn’t even say goodbye to the girls when they get moved to separate apartments! The other girls had become BFF because they realize what a joke this whole show is!  She’s all giggly and sweet with him but a raging jealous volatile ball of attitude otherwise.
I know Payton clearly doesn’t care, but does she not even care how she is portrayed on television to the rest of the world?

Sweet beauty queen youngin’ gets sent home after Shep realized she has never jumped off a boat into the water before or gotten a speeding ticket.  I mean….. that’s not really why….. but basically it is.

:: JODI ARIAS ::
I keep seeing commercials for some new Jodi Arias special and I am feeling a strong urge to watch it.  I don’t think I’ve ever watched any of her specials come to think of it?! Just felt the need to share that it’s on my radar……

:: YOLANDA ::

Yolanda’s new show is premiering tonight on Lifetime (after Project Runway All Stars – love me some Project Runway) and she has a new mystery man in her life!
I’m happy for her and glad she is feeling good again. I always loved Yolanda – good riddance David Foster! Maybe he was the disease she needed to kick all along? (jokes – I know lyme disease is real – simmer down now……) 

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

Scheana needs to take a freaking chill pill with this Rob situation.  Last season was her pretending her marriage was perfect, and it airing when we knew they were already divorcing.  This season is her counting down the seconds (literally – with an app) until her divorce is final so she is eligible to marry Rob, and it’s airing while they are already broken up.  SIMMER DOWN SCHEANA.

She’s like ‘Rob has a house! And caters dinners! It’s all I ever wanted! Rob has money!” and ona nd on.

I just have no sympathy for Brittany.  This Jax and Brittany thing is absurd and they clearly just both want to be on TV.  It’s making me annoyed to keep devoting any more story time to it at all.

Lala just fascinates me.  She talks like such a garbage man and says the filthiest things, but I can’t stop staring at her because she’s so freaking pretty.  And I feel like underneath all of the filthy stuff she is sweet and sensitive.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
Yours truly.
I promised myself I would proofread this before falling asleep…. it’s one of my Resolutions for the year…. but y’all…. from keeping up my other resolutions and waking up early in the morning I feel like I’m going to fall off the bed.
I literally just fell asleep with laptop in hand. Soooooo I tried…… better luck next Thursday!?

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: The Bachelor ::

Janu-Arie has arrived!   Say all you want, but on Emily’s season he made me want to make out with him fall in love with him.  They were so cute together and I wish they had worked out.  Unfortunately, she picked that hipster Jef with one F they didn’t. And unfortunately, Peter didn’t work out either.  It isn’t Nick Viall again, so I am going to focus on the positive here and move on.

So here we are watching some 22+ year olds try to make it work.  I hope that the sane-non-crazy-non-fame-hungry girls are able to cut through all of the BS that this show has become about and shine through.  He already sent home some cute girls that must have just been to sane or too vanilla for the show episode one that they didn’t show once all night.

We always have to have a member of the “Bachelor fam” stop by, and it’s Sean and Catherine with baby in tow. Because Sean and Arie seem like they would totally be BFF in real life, right?

We get a glimpse into a few select girls lives: the one with a child, the one that collects taxidermy, and the one that sounds identical to Raven.

We come to find out that Raven Jr. is Raven’s BFF! Surprise!  WHAT is ABC’s obsession with Raven!?! I feel like I have listened to Raven’s voice 10x more than anyone else for the past 4 seasons of this show + it’s spinoffs, and now we have to deal with her best friend that sounds just like her?!

although I did think her gift from her hometown of Weiner was  clever…. 

Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom but should for sure be a make up artist because I have never seen a Bachelor contestant that contours like that.  (If she makes it long enough to be there for the date where they wake you up in the middle of the night basically just to see how you look, she will either A. Look exactly like that – sleeping in a full face of makeup. or B. We will have no idea who we are looking at.)

I don’t trust the sweet fitness + health coach/positive polly with the raspy voice that feeds the homeless.  The brother that is homeless and her feeding the homeless is wonderful and amazing, but I don’t trust super slow talkers. Especially super slow talkers who are always smiling.  With that glued on smile.  Smiling behind crazy eyes.

A highlight of mine is how many of these 25 and under girls just LOVED Arie on his season.  Ummmm how old WERE you? (although….. I guess I have watched since season one…..)

Chelsea throws us all a curve ball.
We thought she would be the “mom” of the season, but turns out,
she is no sweet Amanda Baby Voice WallFlower putting her child in gladiator sandals.

She steals him twice, shoves her tongue down his throat, and is ready to be the Villian of the Season in no time.  She is able to use her womanly trickery to come off as “mysterious” when really that equates saying nothing, doing nothing, but saying and doing nothing with bee-stung lips so that he uses his small brain and is like “ohhhhhh she’s mysterious”.

She declares to the all of the ladies after their second 5-second “conversation” that he is “still the same person he was in the beginning” as though she has known him for longer than two minutes? Seriously, who is this girl?

I’m mostly not into Chelsea because she shoves her tongue down his throat in a very gross abrupt manner and his kissing scenes with Emily were the one thing I was really holding on to.  Stop it Chelsea! Don’t try to eat each other’s faces night one!  Take some notes from Emily!

Everyone else’s age is listed next to their name EXCEPT Bekah’s….. on the show and on their online profile… hmm….. but googling says she is 22. The 22 year old Bekah (seriously? B-e-k-a-h? I could do a whole post on the spelling of reality contestants names) throws a curve ball by asking the only interesting question of the night: What three things excite you?  Arie responds first with “excitement.” UM.  What??? Bekah calls him out on it and he changes it to “adrenaline” but then follows it up with “pizza” and tries to change that one to “good food and good company.”  Ugh Arie.  I was really rooting for you…. I can’t handle another season of The Bachelor where I can’t stand the guy! I’m begging you, LOCK IT UP! 
Bekah’s answers are all nice and thought out…. perhaps the 22 year old actually is more mature than the rest of these ladies? And judging by this convo, definitely more so than the Arie.

Do you know what I just realized? Since they keep these girls up until like 6 AM for these rose ceremonies, how do they reapply their make up? They don’t have a clutch when they get out of the limo? What’s the game plan with this? Because I would have eye liner and mascara smudged ALL under my eyes, even without a single cocktail all evening.

I was very sad that the only Lauren that didn’t make the cut was the 33 year old recent masters grad with a killer dress, earrings, and haircut.  Seriously, Arie!?!?!

:: Paris Hilton ::

Paris Hilton is engaged, and like her engagement rings of the past, it is gigantic.

Apparently he is a 32 year old Actor but I have no idea who he is.

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 

I don’t even know where to begin to recap this motley crew?
This Brittany and Jax stuff is just ridiculous.  She is pathetic if all of this stuff is really happening and she not only goes back to him ,but is sleeping with him constantly after finding this out.  They’ve been “having more sex since this happened than in the last 3 months.”

Also, the conversations these people have really are disgusting.
Tom Sandaval’s idea of a bro talk with his sister’s brother is talking about sex and the lack therof between him and his sister.  Great idea Tom.

Oh! And mini-Tom, Shwartz, has apparently been back to cheating on Katie, who is now his wife.  His defense hasn’t changed with marriage though.  He still just responds with “Um….. I don’t remember?”

:: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ::

The best of the best are back!

The only tagline that really caught my attention:

Ugh.  Dorit.

Weeks I and II we had the ladies in Las Vegas:
Dorit still talking with her fake accent and not much had changed.
Camille is being her same old Vegas Season 1 Self and giving us life.

Seriously season one Camille, and season one of beverly hills, was everything

Even Adirenne was there!!

sorry I had to…….

As usual, the boobs are out!


and the Vegas ensembles run the gamut!
Erika is wearing some interesting fash-un’s channeling her Erika Jayne for the Vegas Strip.

Teddi, the new girl, is Jon Mellencamp’s daughter.  At first I was unsure of her, especially when she said “I’m from Hilton Head South Carolina, where you can’t find a home for under $1 Million.”  Ummmmm yes, yes you can.  But now I have come to like her more since she seems to be (self proclaimed) cheap and not showy and doesn’t throw money around like the BH ladies. although….. I’m watching BH because I want you to throw your money around. 

Dorit has a birthday dinner and OMG.
Dorit’s. birthday . look.
Is right out of the shower if the look you were going for?  Apparently Rinna’s confessional look is going for the same thing. Not loving it ladies, I’ve got to say.

Although Rinna’s is better than Dorit’s…….. 

We learn a little bit more about Erica and how she has come to be who she is.  Her father has never acknowledged that she existed.  She met him for the first time at 25.  It definitely explains her hardened exterior.

Teddi is riding in a horse show, so the ladies take a car up to watch.
We realized that LVP and Rinna are only 3 years apart on the way to see Teddi ride.
WHAT?! Wow.
Dorit at first makes fun of Rinna and LVP’s ensembles and then realizes she is dressed for the Kentucky Derby rather than a competition with porta-potties. She tries SO hard cough: fake accent  to act like she is “one of the Joneses” as Teddi would say.  And again, it’s always obvious as her outfit at this show that she doesn’t belong.

I don’t know if it’s because we see LVP on Vanderpump Rules on Monday’s and then RHoBH on Tuesday’s, or if it’s because I just marathoned episodes of both shows to get caught up, but ENOUGH of the Lace see-through tops with the wide black pants Lisa!!!!  It’s not a good look!!!  And it ages you far more than the 3 years between you and Rinna!!!

Speaking of Dorit trying to act like someone she is not and be “the Joneses”, who on earth orders $20,000 worth of Hermes China for a dinner party with ONE COUPLE that you don’t even know?

:: Real Housewives of New Jersey ::

I’ve been watching but whenever I come to recap this I’m just
uhhhhhhhh.
Siggy has got insane.
They all act like complete trash in these places in Italy and shows why they can’t stand Americans.
I am actually completely on Pig-Tails Margaret’s side.  She apologizes over and over again and gives second chances and then Siggy does nothing in return.
I think this season will completely ruin Siggy’s career. She has gone insane.
But mostly…… they are all such trash
and it’s horrifying to watch what they do in that restaurant during the fight!

:: RHOC ::

Oh wait…….

:: JT’s New Album  ::  

JT has a new album coming out and I am very very excited.
A new song will be released tomorrow!!!

:: Mazel of the Week :: 
Chip and Jo!
They announced they are expecting their 5th child!! I love them so much I’m so happy for them.  And shame on all the people saying they were separating and that’s why they were ending their show!

…… still devastated the show is ending, but happy for them….. 

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

We pick back up at Scheana’s Masquerade Birthday, where the entire party has become about the Faith and Jax incredibly disgusting and told to us in gross detail hookup. Jax is confused. “He’s been faithful and never cheated on Brittany”, so he doesn’t know why people are saying it’s true.

Kristin is desperate for her screen time and is furious with Jax, but she knows more than anyone about him cheating with co-workers and friends because she was the infamous other woman.  But she’s”grown from when she cheated, she’s a better person.”  She displays this by cursing her brains out and talking about shoving a stiletto up his tush and having him :

She’s only shown-up in her aggression by Stassi “Hes so lucky I wasn’t there, I would have impailed him, cut off his head, and put it on a spike”

So, both girls who are desperate for their spots on this show, because they aren’t fake-working at Sur and not dating a cast member have the most to contribute to the drama.

Brittany, the “victim” has a much more realistic plan that I think would work perfectly: punch him in his fake nose.  Yes, Brittany. Are we up to 3 nose jobs now? Or 4?

editors note : TIME OUT. It’s a commercial break an this Vanderpump Rules + Pitch Perfect singing commercial is HORRIFYING.

Brittany cries to Katie, and Katie is happy she has any friends left, so she is a shoulder to cry on. She says she came home to fake eye lashes on the counter before. UM, and you didn’t break up then? Lashes don’t mysteriously appear in your house.  Jax comes in they scream at each other. Do I believe this? I’m still not sure?!
Either way, Brittany : dating this scum bag for the sake of your instagram fame and bravo-lebrity status is not worth contracting the STD’s that Jax is carrying.  Please.  Find another Sur-ver!

Raquel wants to solidify her spot on the show by begging to be a dog groomer SLASH model.

(Oh and her beauty queen days are over I have learned; she didn’t place at all in Miss California)  I have kind of figured out who Raquel reminds me of when she talks (this is better when we got really long scenes of her talking like last season.)
She has notes of Corky Ramono, like when he says “You guys want some cookies”.  But I still can’t quite put my finger on it, other than idiotic

James gets more DJ gigs and it’s a two-for-one special for the lovely couple.

Jax decides, whatever, it’s been a day, let’s just admit to it and he tells Brittany that he did sleep with Faith.  He then mopes out of the room in a FADED TACO BELL HOODIE. (well…. if I’m honest if this was on anyone else I would probably be praising them for owning a taco bell hoodie…. but still….)

We get a glimpse into how the Vanderpump Crew spends their time : getting belligerently drunk at Ariana’s brothers birthday party.  Schwartz can’t even form words, except to mumble about Stockholm Syndrome in blue tinted glasses and realize he has no idea what he is talking about and stop. Then we realize he has stopped because he is crying behind those blue tinted shades.  BFF Tom comes to save the day and cry right along with him, streaky face make up and all.  Only real bro’s ruin their mascara and concealer for a fellow bro. #Friendship.

Lisa and the gang hit up Gay Pride.  (Is it just me or is Ken really starting to appear…. alarming?!)
(editors note: OMG the guy announcing Lisa to the stage was MY FAVORITE person on the Gay Bachelor show that Lance Bass hosted.  Like, my mom and I were obsessed with him)

Stassi heads out on a date with her on-again boyfriend Patrick. I thought Patrick was hot?! Is this man bun a new thing!? I don’t remember this!? Clearly I am not on Team Man Bun.  Nor will I ever be.

We end with Brittany saying she needs space from Jax to think, but that she already slept with him before coming in to work.
I CAN’T.

:: RELATIONSHEP :: 

Week two of Relationshep has arrived, and it is still pretty stupid, and I am still pretty into it. He kicks this week off with a double date with his friend and two girls,  Summer and Katie.  They are wearing more make up and sporting more cleavage than I have ever seen for a golf date, but I guess that’s what his friend refers to as “laid back.”

The star of the date quickly becomes his friend’s girl.  She has expensive taste : she mixes her red wine with Dr. Pepper.  editors note : excuse me while I puke….. 

Shep gets rejected via FaceTime by the smart and beautiful styist that he went on the bookstore date with from LA.  Youch.  You can tell it hurts.

His next date is with a cute girl, Amber, in Austin with food trucks and her big dog.  She seems lovely, and again, he really hits it off with the Southerner’s. Who can blame him?! However, he gets rejected again, by the best girl so far again, because she doesn’t want to do the on camera thing.  Can’t blame her.

Next up is Priscilla, a teeny tiny Brazilian who really packs a punch (aka has some ‘tude!) Shep says he was exposed to Brazil from one of his nannies and she just wants to lose her mind over it.  When she asks what he does for a living, I too waited with bated breath to hear what he would say.  He said he “owns real estate and is partners in a few bars, it’s nice because no one is asking him to be anywhere.”  I thought it was a good way to explain his full wallet and lack of ambition…..

She decides to really hold nothing back and offends him by saying “you’re dirty, you’re unemployed, and you have no drive….”

HA!!!!! I mean it’s awful, but…..

Off to NYC he goes……

He has a date with a young girl in a dungeon-game-thing (?) and a mature and nervous seeming girl at Trivia, where the date is cut short by his producer (and close friends) mother having a stroke.
We all know he should just be with producer Sarah, but that that’s never going to happen.

Next week I think they all move into the house in Charleston, so things should get interesting!

:: BACHELOR PREVIEW ::

There was a preview of Arie’s new season of The Bachelor this week.  They previewed some of the girls, so get your pen and pencil to take some notes for your Bachelor Fantasy League’s.
And so many people have been hating on Arie, and to that I say :

My guess is all the haters did not watch his season with Emily, the most beautiful Bachelorette there ever was. Because he was a gem.  And he was THE BEST KISSER EVER.

Everyone thought it would be him proposing. .  Especially when the other guy was Jeff!
When she picked Jeff, he was heartbroken, and ALL of us were heartbroken.
AND to all the haters,  having someone that hasn’t been on in years and hasn’t been all over Bachelor Nation is as close as we are EVER going to get to someone brand new and non-existant, so I am THRILLED!!!

:: NSYNC REUNIONS:: 

JC has just crushed my dreams of an NSync reunion.  He said “The Answer is NO.”

so….. if you’ll just excuse me……. 

:: BELOW DECK REUNION ::
This was a very surprising reunion! Kate and Jen were so sweet to one another and discuss how they actually got along most of the time, and then crazy Kyle who was there for all of one charter is going nuts about things. That man is nuts! Thank goodness he wasn’t on all season.  Perhaps this is him trying to secure his spot for a future season but I hope not.  Not only can I not stand him, I can’t understand him either, even with subtitles.
Nico seemed like he has been getting A LOT of crap as the show has aired, and kind of sat there like a meek puppy.

:: RHONJ :: 

Last week’s double date with Marge and Marge Senior, my jaw was on the floor.
Because there was some seriously filthy conversation going on.

And then it got to the point where Pigtail Marge is making comments about how good of a date Marge Senior can be and I was like STAHP IT.

I mean, even the Vanderpump Rules kids don’t speak to their MOTHER’S that way.
SO GROSS.
I know last night was the glass throwing/smashing in Milan, but Mi Scusi, I haven’t been able to see it yet!

:: BABY NEWS ::
John Stamos is going to be a first time father at age 54.
and Robert Herjavec and his DWTS partner Kym are expecting twins.  And you know I’m a huge DWTS fan so I am very excited for Robert and Kym.

:: Bethenny and Fredrik  :: 
First look at their new show , which will probably drive me crazy,
but I will definitely watch

:: GOLDEN GLOBE SPECIAL :: 
There’s a Golden Globe Special airing right now on NBC as I write this post, and I am laughing my head off, crying at speeches, and loving every minute of it.
A highlight was Kate Winslet talking about Titanic so seriously, and then ending it with “…….it’s a movie that’s as talked about today as it always has been, almost more, because people are so obsessed with the fact that Jack could have fit on that door.  Someone set me a link this morning that a school did a study with a pool and the door, and they found that Jack could have fit, and OF COURSE JACK COULD HAVE FIT ON THAT DOOR…..” and my night is made.  But really, can the two of them just get married?!

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
Gwen Stefani’s You Don’t Make it Feel Like Christmas Special.
Did any of you catch this?! Because it was horrifying.
Sorry to all the Gwen Stefani fans, I’m sure she’s just lovely and so nice, but I will never understand her voice, and to do A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL?
It was full blown nails on a chalk board, combined with grinding gingerbread men? Who were actually gingerbread ladies because you could see their done-up faces through the giant holes in the gingerbread heads.  It was just….. awful….. but I couldn’t look away! Our TV was on that channel so when our DVR’d show would end and I would hit delete THERE WAS GWEN three times in a row and Kip and I just couldn’t get over it.

If ya missed it, all 42 minutes are on YouTube!

I will say this….. what I heard was extremely catchy, because it didn’t leave my head that night or the next day, and it was quite obnoxious for my husband to hear me sing in Gwen Stefani voice all night.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
Kelsea Ballerini recently got married, and they did tequila shots at the end of the wedding ceremony.

Girl after my own heart.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.