DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

The breakout guest star this week (and really, in life) is a visit from James’ father, Andros, the music producer from London who was BFF with George Michael, and OH. EM. GEE.  I’m sorry… I was trying to find a way to not discuss it or kindly state it but STEREOTYPES ABOUT BRITISH TEETH EXIST FOR A REASON.  Not only is there not a molar OR A DAMN PREMOLAR in sight, this is literally straight up Austin Powers teeth.
Although Austin Powers teeth were better because at least he had TEETH.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bachelor ::

Wow.  I mean.  What is there to say that hasn’t already been said…..????
There is no reason to recap the FIVE HOURS OF BULLSH*T we endured this week because unless you have been living under a rock you are aware that: He proped to Becca, broke up with Becca for Lauren, then proposed to Lauren at the After The Final Rose, and now Becca is The Bachelorette.
Ay ay ay.

After the proposal (the first one, to Becca) during one of their secret meet-ups,  poor girl is going on and on to producers about their engagement and how happy they are, and in mere minutes he’s going to break up with her on camera.

Why on earth did he not do this privately!?!! I assumed that it was contractual, but I was told by someone that listens to a Bach Podcast that he did not need to do any of it on camera.  That he could have done ALL of this privately.
editors note: I can’t start going down the podcast path with this show…. I already devoted 5 hours to this crap this week alone…..gotta draw the line somewhere??? 

Now – I have no problems with him breaking up with her.  That isn’t where I think he went wrong.  It’s that he proposed to Becca when clearly wasn’t sure what he wanted, it’s that he was talking to Lauren and basically set that up as a sure thing before breaking up with Becca, it’s that he did it all on camera, and mostly that he had ZERO emotion in the break up and had nothing to say, that it took him until THE VERY end to even say the words “I’m sorry” and that there was no meaning behind the ONE time he said those words……. ugh.  What an ass.

It also just drove me crazy that he made the “sad face” the whole time like a Vanderpump Rules start ATTEMPTING to act.  He seemed so ready to go have Lauren jump on him and ready to get this over with.
But honestly, the calling off the engagement, and even the going to Lauren part, I don’t really care about that.  It’s EVERYTHING else and the way he did everything else.
OH.  AND FREAKING LEAVE.  She asked him to go like TWENTY times.

I’d love to know what went on during these phone calls to Lauren because it seems like they basically set it all up in advance.  I mean, she opens the door to see him like this :

SERIOUSLY? To a man that just dumped you and has been saying I love you and sleeping with someone else?
Hmmmm…… Alright……

What really makes no sense is that the two of them, who had zero to say to one another. ever. nothing. everrrrr……. that the two of them had “three hour phone conversations” every day. UHHHMMMMM.

Is this the kind of phone conversations like you had in your early teen years, where you don’t say much for half of the talk or fall asleep on the phone?? is that how you got to 3 hours?? Because I CANNOT fathom how this is possible.

My favorite part involving Lauren all night was her response to Chris Harrison :

I laughed SO HARD.
Sorry…. she just makes it too easy……

The “Woo Girls” on the couch (Tia, Baby Bekah, Siene, Caroline, whoever the hell else was there…. oh yeah the Taxidermist)…..  need to take it down a notch. Or 2.  Or 17.

They are fighting so hard for their spots on Bachelor in Paradise and it’s like, ladies, you are ALL going to be on it.  You’re fine.  Calm down.

Maybe new Bachelorette Becca (and by maybe, I mean obviously) will even have you on her season for pep talks like Rachel did during the 19 hours of filler time the producers force us to watch.

Out of all of the Woo Girls, Baby Bekah is getting RULL thirsty and needs to check herself.  She turned 23 and now she’s ready to be the one pointing fingers and calling out immaturity.  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves Bekah……see yourself hurling your body up and down up there?

She’s running her mouth to Access Hollywood about how Arie will definitely cheat on Lauren.  I meannnnnn I’m all for stating the facts here Bekah (ya know…. like they have nothing to say to each other and surely don’t talk for 3 hours and he’s an ass… those are facts right?) but that’s way harsh.

Have you been smoking too much of that marijuana you’ve been farming?? I thought pot was supposed to make people calm down and spread the love, not spaz out like a tweenager??
I’m so over her it’s not even funny.  And don’t get me started on her dress paired with those earrings…… 

:: Vanderpump Rules ::

Why do Bravo-lebrities insist on believing they can have a record career?  I mean, Lala sounds a heck of  a lot better than LuAnn, The Countess, and Scheana put together, but honestly.
Her accidental slip of saying “It just feels amazing to spread my legs and be the person I am musically.” instead of spread my wings was the best moment of this entire episode.

Lala’s musical number (soon to be performed live on WWHL with my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen I’m sure) is inspired by “her man”.  Of course.
also, I think part of the Pump Rules drinking game needs to be when Lala says “my man”.  Note to self: start compiling these things….. like Jax making that dumb face he makes every week *DRINK!* ...

…. every time Scheana makes it about her…. *DRINK*
…. every time someone uses a figure of speech incorrectly…. *DRINK*…..
……..it would just be so easy with this group.

Billie, who is transgender, is talking about her ex having a problem with the fact that she used to have a penis and LEAVE IT TO SCHEANA to make EVEN THAT about her.  And Rob. (drink).

Scheana is like “Well, I can make this totally about me, because I completely know how this is, to be transgendered, because Rob, HE has a penis, and it’s like, now I know my life was meant to be all about Rob’s penis and not Shay’s penis.  ya know?…. but not to make it about me…..because apparently I do that sometimes”

editors note : Scheana on WWHL with my-boyfriend-andy-cohen is worse than when Krazy Kristin Doute is on.  Her nonstop fake laugh and staring at herself in the little monitor – I CAN’T. 

Apparently Brittany and Jax want to take their dumb decisions to the next level by having unprotected sex.  As if the two of them just having sex wasn’t a dumb enough decision.  So, Brittany thinks she might be pregnant.  So she does what most people who think they might be pregnant do :  Day drink all day and all night long before taking a pregnancy test.  Obviously.  These people are the biggest idiots on Bravo. And of course Jax is disappointed when Brittany isn’t pregnant, because “he’ll be an amazing father”, which Scheana and Ariana firmly agreed with on WWHL with my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen…….. silence……. I’ll just leave that one right there…. 

We get the craziest shot of Brittany’s Boob Job yet….. I mean WHAT is this outfit?!  Sorry it isn’t a full length version for those of you that missed it…. there’s little shorts under this and then a wide leg thing flowing around.

The reason the gang is in Vegas is for Tom and Tom to have some meetings with LVP about Tom Tom.  Every time I have to write about this restaurant I cannot believe that 1. this is actually happening and 2. that she is naming it Tom Tom.   I’ve decided she just thinks that having more spin offs with these lunatics keep her pocket books full, because Lisa is not dumb enough to think these two are capable of anything.  Well…. except showing up drunk to meetings thinking they are full of wonderful ideas and then picking out the daintiest and most feminine things in a room and saying how masculine they are……
It’s honestly cringe-worthy to watch Sandoval because he truly thinks he knows what’s going on and that he is an asset to decision making in any way, as opposed to just screen time for the show that the viewers can make fun of at home.  The people on this show are delusional.

:: RHONY Trailer ::

Less than one month until the premiere of RHONY! HALLELUJAH!
Nothing involving the boat incident in the trailer, but I’m still keeping my fingers crossed…….

:: RHOBH :: 

Dorit’s tag line pisses me off every week…… just sayin’……

What deal can I make with the devil to have the body of Rinna and Camille?

Watching Dorit work her ass off to get back in Lisa’s good graces is hilarious.  I love that Dorit thinks she and Lisa are “family”.  She is so desperate to be her BFF.  Desperate is actually an understatement.  As Camille’s charity event goes on, it’s as if Dorit is a Stage 5 Clinger trying desperately to sleep with LVP – it’s crazy.

She STRADDLES her and plays with her hair professing her love to her!? Screaming I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU at her.  She even says “I hope my forcing myself on her is starting to make her realize that I didn’t mean to do anything to hurt her.” WHAT?! YOU LOOK LIKE A LUNATIC.

At LVP’s birthday party, Camille gives Dorit a Ball Gag (in response to her yelling see-you-next-tuesday at her earlier this season) which is just the PERFECT gift to tell her to shut her pie hole. Instead of her laughing it off, Dorit – OF COURSE –  has a little meltdown.  Whatever happened to your British humor Dorit???!!!

LVP does the ultimate bitch slap….. She reshoots everything that Dorit was initially the model for involving her jewelry for Beverly Hills Magazine.
Ohhhhh.  Mic. Drop.
Dorit…. would “family” do that?!

:: Craig :: 
A year after passing the bar, Craig was finally sworn in to the SC Bar Association.  I share this news not because I particularly care, but I am SO excited for Southern Charm to start.

:: Shannon + Kelly = BFF :: 
Something tells me Shannon is going to come to regret becoming BFF with Kelly….. I know the single gals should stick together, but talk about a loose cannon……. and both of them like their booze…. this is a recipe for disaster

:: Mazel of The Week :: 

I didn’t really know this week, so we’ll just go with this.
I feel like I have already seen this entire movie now, but otherwise
this trailer for the movie Book Club got me excited for a good chick flick.
I love movies like this.

:: Jackhole of the Week :: 

ME. For losing my car keys and LITERALLY not being able to find them anywhere.
IF I CAN’T FIND MY CAR KEYS TODAY I’M GOING TO LOSE IT.
And my husband is going to kill me.  We both looked for an hour last night (plus the 30 minutes I spent before work panicking and looking for them).
update to come tomorrow…. I’m thinking positive thoughts, hence why I’m not going into more details……
because only an idiot can lose their car keys in their own house with the car parked in the driveway, right?
THEY HAVE TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

editors note: Feel free to just skip over all of this Bachelor/Winter Games/World After Final Rose/Women Tell All nonsense if you are as mentally drained from hours on end of it each week as I am.  I can’t take it anymore.

:: Winter Games ::
The competition part of all of this was so pointless (I’m looking at you Chris Harrison with the awful commentary), but I suppose it was nice to see the Bachelor rejects not be wasted and dry humpting one another all day like they do in paradise. Lies….. I’d rather watch that. 
I did enjoy the introduction of the contestants from other countries because it was nice to have some fresh faces.(except Yuki…. I’m sorry…. that voice….I can’t)

One of the most interesting things was realizing that all of the US contestants make out with everyone and are ready for sleepovers at the drop of a hat, but the foreigners maintain some class and don’t even participate in the fantasy suite! Slow clap for everyone except Americans….. why is this not surprising at all?!
The entire first two hours was people crying that they aren’t in love after 72 hours and going home, and then Ashlee crying that she finally won something.  YAWN.
We make it to the After the Final Rose or whatever World thing they are calling this….. finally.
Courtney and the Aussie are still together and traveled the country together after the show ended?! That’s more serious of a relationship than getting engaged at the end of a Bachelor season!!! Talk about a commitment. Again, foreigners showing us up…..
Dean and Lesley are still together, which actually shocks me because of how much of a whore-bag player Deanie was on Paradise.
Also shocked that Ashley I and Canadian Kev have stayed together, but there relationships seems a little more “whatever” than everyone else.
The highlight of hour 3 of this bunch of crap that I berate myself over watching every week is that LUKE IS AN ASS.
I totally didn’t see this coming!
Stassi, the over botox’ed and plumped Swede who really does seem like such a nice person, reveals that he just ghosted her the second the show ended. WHAT!?

Luke who wants more attention than anyone, and didn’t become the Bachelor because he wanted his music to be part of his storyline?  He’s an idiot. How does he think this would play out well for him!?
At least Stassi perfectly shames him and he just doesn’t even have a word to say.

Please for the love of Gawd don’t let ABC bring him back for anything else and let’s all just avoid him on social media entirely.  Agreed?
and THENNNN the surprise of the season is Clare.  a reader informed me Clare with no I is the proper spelling….. so I stand corrected…. but almost every other Bachelor spelling is just ridiculous, so I’m going to continue to make fun of the names until you prove an Irish heritage……..
After Clare went home without love, for the 97th time on one of these shows, she and Ben-Wah rekindled their love over text messages.  Because, duh, doesn’t everyone fall in love via text? Falling in love face to face for a few hours over a span of 4 weeks is so 2005.  It’s all about zero face time now.
I can’t even make a millennial comment because Clare is one of the oldest contestants to ever be on all of these shows.  Anyways, this Clare and Ben-Wah romance is just SO CLARE.

My true shock is that she is giving all this up. We’ve had Clare for so long – since that scandalous ocean moment with Juan Pablo.

Damn.  Gonna miss ya Clare.
But you are totally welcomed back by Chris Harrison when this Ben-Wah thing goes in the pooper.

if you understand this reference, I love you.

:: BACHELOR : WOMEN TELL ALL ::

I feel like nothing happened in two hours?  Am I just hallucinating from catching up on 3 hours of The Winter Games before starting this? A Sunday night airing – you’re killing me ABC!
But really….. like, did Tia even talk to him?!

The most riled up the ladies get all night is a “glam-shaming” debate (which makes me fear even more for all of us that this is something people are fighting over.
Krazy Krystal is back and proves to be that much of an attention whoring crazy pants.  At least Arie shut her down when she tried to talk to him (after she INVITED HERSELF up on to the sofa for more TV time, when clearly she was just supposed to talk from her seat) by saying “Yeah, you were on The Bachelor?!”
While it’s lovely that her brother is off the streets, that had nothing to do with anything and was her lame attempt at some sympathy slash her attempt at getting more attention on herself.

OH.  It also was great that they replayed her mental breakdown (ya know, over being on a group date and people being there on the group date pretty much) and she said WAY more than we ever knew – even the other girls jaws were on the floor).  She called Arie a Needle D*ck!!!! And the girls c-you-next-tuesdays.

I mean…. girl is certifiable if she was saying those things over a group bowling date. Bless her for making this season bearable.

The main takeaway from The Women Tell All was that ARIE DID SOMETHING.
Caroline, who some of you probably only remember as Tia’s sarcastic sidekick (love),  was my fav when she was on and I was wishing she made it to the end, was one of the most – if not the most – vocal person there. She cried and said she knows what Arie did and can’t believe it.

I’m just wondering why she is so emotional over all of this?! Like…. does it really affect you that much to be crying over it? But whatever…. guess I’ll find out and can judge then….
I do NOT want to know what Arie did – so please – NO SPOILER COMMENTS.
I know we’ll find out next week and I can figure it all out then but I am very intrigued.

:: Bachelor ::
K…. it’s confirmed.  I finally found the perfect example for why Kendall is the strangest contestant to make it to top three Fantasy Suite week. Kendall is a freak because she puts her mascara on with her mouth tightly closed. Who. does. that?  SAVAGE.  I don’t even think it’s possible for me to do that without my mouth gaping open like I’m catching flies.
but I digress….. 

He has Kendall, whose a lot kooky, Lauren who is mute, and Becca who seems like a normal midwesterner.  As hour 437 of my Bachelor viewing for the week the fantasy suite week continues on, we realize that Arie is taking what Ben Higging did (saying I’m in love with you to both of the top two) to a whole new level.

He is saying OVER and OVER and OVER again that he loves them and is madly in love with them.  Is this a new way to guarantee you get in their pants? Because your odds are already pretty high based on previous seasons? I take that back what I said about Kendall being savage….. WHO SAYS I LOVE YOU 90 TIMES TO TWO OF THE TOP THREE?!

THAT is Savage.

Do we think the producers sought out Becca’s ex, or did he do it all on his own? They probably heard 7 year relationship and had this planned the whole time.  Is it because he is beefier and younger than Arie, or is Becca’s ex cute?!? A little more meat head than I prefer, but I’d likely pick him over Arie?

Finally Kendall goes home but seriously, one of these girls is really going to get screwed.  I feel awful for them.

:: RHONY : Boat Rumors ?!? ::
I have got to know what is going on with RHONY.
They are filming right now and rumors are flying about a trip to Columbia
on a boat that caught fire and everyone getting sea sick?

Please let all of this make it to air – I need to see this footage!
Dinner party from hell turned Dinner Cruise from hell?

:: LuAnn ::

Speaking of NY Housewives, LuAnn did her cabaret show last night.  (seriously what are these women thinking? Sonja is one thing because, well, it’s Sonja… but really….)
Oh, and Sonja made a guest appearance!
Check out photos and video here.

:: Summer House ::
Love it every week.  I want some more Kyle, less Carl though.  Always.
Although, I will say – it was very disappointing that Stephen shared that private stuff about Carl.  Even if Carl is a jerk.  That is so awful and not his news to spread around. I feel like Stephen really did an awful thing.  And Carl was so sweet to his mom this week…..
this week I’m team Carl!? and I’m Team Jax too….. what is wrong with me!? (see below) 

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 
Big Bear has high altitude, and that is when Jax decides to become an adult who celebrates health.  After a morning run, he has to get rescued by the Lifegaurd, whose response to him yelling that he needs help is “is he serious right now?” and stays sitting on the beach.
But luckily, he didn’t have to get “heart to heart” or anything. I CAN’T.

I did finally laugh at something these asses say when they think they’re funny.
Jax mocking Scheana talking about Rob really did make me LOL.  She will find a one-upper or a tag along for anything to involve Rob.
“I’m going to make eggs….Rob makes the best eggs”
Also loved that Jax commented he’s “surprised Rob isn’t walking on water.”

The biggest moment this week is Rob having a moment alone from Scheana for once and casually commenting that he has never said I love you to her, ever. As though everyone is aware of this.
WAITTTTT He hasn’t even said I LOVE YOU?! And she is doing ALL OF THIS!?
Give me a moment while my mind explodes…….

She reached a whole new level of annoying this week.
It’s painfully awkward watching her say the I love you and him not respond….. the “you’re so sexy” and him not respond.
Then she decides to wake everyone up, probably still drunk, with the laminated RULES binder in hand. I meannnnn girl; the actual binder is for renters, if you are Rob are practically married you should know that thing backwards and forwards by now.  No binder needed.

Back in LA, Kristin stop by her place and Scheana is LISTENING TO HER OWN SONG (I can’t) and she tells her all about her and Rob’s idea of “the divorce club” for a future business. Ummmmm? Kristin tells Scheana what Rob said about never saying I love you and, shocker,  Scheana denies all of it.

“I know my man loves me, his actions show me how much he loves me.”
WAIT. So now you are just like gliding over the fact that he never said I love you?

THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS AMAZING.

Scheana explains to Kristin that the whole reason Jax is saying these “rumors” (and by “rumors” it is exactly what Rob said on the boat), is that he is jealous that Rob is taller than him, better looking than him, younger, more successful.  Jax just wants of what they have.
You see, Scheana and Rob are “very much in love, rob just doesn’t express it.”
THIS SCENE IS EVERYTHING.  I didn’t think the stuff at the lake could get better, BUT IT DOES. Kristin is looking at her like her head is exploding.

Scheana FEELS the love.  She’s not a dumb girl thats in love with someone that isn’t in love with her. Come on. “Do you see the way he looks at her!? He ADORES her.”
They talk about having kids and getting married and they’re looking at houses!!! I mean…. HELLO! LOVE!
THEY HAVE NAMED THEIR FIRST DAUGHTER :
MADISON MARIE PARKS VALETTA

We all knew she was pushing it and is stage 5 crazy, but what I DIDN’T know was that LITERALLY EVERYTHING she says “we” to, is JUST HER.  She is clearly just talking nonstop about all of this and he is just letting her say it and not responding.  JUST LIKE WITH SHAY.  I can’t.

MY FAVORITE PEOPLE THIS WEEK WERE JAX AND KRISTIN.
WHAT UNIVERSE AM I LIVING IN.
THIS WAS AMAZING.

And honorable mention to Raquel….. I just love any amount of more Raquel time.

:: Southern Charm :: 
Returns April 5th but apparently there is a rekindling between Patricia and Kathryn?! WHAT?!

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
The first Big Brother Celebrity is in the books!
I really enjoyed it and was happy for the final 4, but I was really sad that Marissa won over Ross.

I loved seeing drunk Brandi in the flashbacks though!

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
The news that Heather Locklear is at it again!

Domestic Violence and 3 Counts of battery against a police officer.
RUH ROH.
just in time for LuAnn to have everyone focus on her cabaret and forget about her drunken police misconduct….

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: BACHELOR ::

We’ve made it to hometowns, where you see how unattractive someones family can be despite them being extremely attractive where we learn more about how strange these girls upbringings were and dad’s threaten the Bachelor. I have been trying to stay on team Arie all season long, focusing mainly on the fact that he is a good kisser that likes to use walls to stabilize a make out, but he is really losing me.  I will say it again, WHY is Kendall a part of this? Sure, she seems like a “nice” person.  There are plenty of nice people! She is a WEIRDO.  And he is “crazy” about her? Really? When did this develop, before or after her love of taxidermy was revelaed? Before or after her revelation that she’d have no problem eating human if it was part of someones culture? Before or after you realize how affected her speech is and that it makes me absolutely insane, even if it is great to see her use the obnoxious tone of her voice to annihilate Krazy Krystal?!

Kendall’s hometown visit is first.  I don’t remember where they are, because I had just sat down on the couch with dinner, blissfully enjoying hogging the TV all night while my husband was away for work, when I looked up to see their daytime activity: TAXIDERMY.  And then MAKING THEIR OWN TAXIDERMY WITH RATS.

I had to hit pause, go to one of my other 7 shows taping, and watch some Big Brother while I ate before returning to this show.
SERIOUSLY.  It makes “good TV” Arie, but THAT is the quality time you want to spend with your wife!? I mean, if taxidermy was her family business, I would get her having an interest in it.  But even then this level would be too much.

Kendall on the date : “Taxidermy is like a perfect relationship, because it’s something that is going to last forever”
I never thought I would write the word taxidermy this many times and I’m ready for her to leave before I lose my dinner lose my mind.

We venture to meet her family, and Kendall’s twin sister (NAMED KYLIE!) seems as odd of a bird as she is.  She has the same manner of speaking that drives me nuts.  I don’t think I’ve ever said “exploring each other” when meeting friends significant others.  Seriously who talks like that?

They eat at family dinner sitting around the kitchen island (for real?) with buddha heads displayed all around the home and then the twins have a lengthy conversation upstairs in a jewelry making slash doll covered room.  K…. your family isn’t eccentric enough like Baby Dean’s dad was that became a Sikh, so I’m over this one.

Next up, Arie heads to Weiner Arkansas to meet Tia’s family. They seem very focused on the fact that they googled him and saw things like “kissing bandit” and “playboy” because it’s all the dad and brother seem to reference. Her brother, with double pierced hoop earrings ears, takes him out to the backyard “Cook Shack” to tell him he’s heard rumors about him being “The kissing bandit” and  “how can he prove that’s not who he really is!?” What??? Did you get confused when producers were asking you to grill him??

Becca’s hometown happens and other than apple picking I feel like I remember nothing, so we’ll just say nothing happened.

Last up is Loud Mouth Lauren’s family and SURPRISE SURPRISE her family talks JUST as much as she does.

I always wonder how long the awkward silences really are.  Usually I would think they are exaggerating it, but with her family, I believe they really are that awkward.
I feel like Arie is super into her strictly because she’s his type – she’s a beautiful, soft spoken blonde just like Emily Maynard was, but there doesn’t seem to be ANY actual connection between them.  Every time they are around each other it is so awkward and uncomfortable that it seems like they are meeting for the first time on a blind date.  I see zero chemistry between them, and yet Arie has to walk out of the room during dinner to talk to a producer and wipe sweat off of his brow because he is so nervous.

Her dad is a military man so perhaps that is why he is nervous? But her mom is even more awkward than Lauren and her dad.  After they finish their uncomfortable exchange of words, she ends it with a “well, it’s been a pleasure” AND SHAKES HIS HAND.  WHAT!?! I mean, you don’t have to hug him at the end of the chat but just stand up and walk back inside why are you shaking his hand!?
editors note : how many times have I used the word awkward with this hometown?! 
Taxidermy and awkward should have been the drinking words of the day.

The one thing Lauren WILL talk about nonstop is that Arie said he is “falling deeply in love with her” Which….. unless I’m mistaken, and I very well could be because I do 17 things at once while watching, were NOT his exact words. There’s a huge difference between “falling for you” and “falling deeply in love with you” and in The Bachelor world it is basically “I like you and may want to sleep with you” and “love”.
But, hey, whatdoIknow?!
She keeps telling her family that’s what he said and that there is no reason to worry about the other girls because “she trusts him and there’s NO way he would say that to her if he is saying that to the other girls.”
I did the coughing laugh and choked on my water when this happened.
Have you EVER watched a single season of this show!?  Oh Lauren….. you are screwed.

We make it to the rose ceremony and all I can focus on is that Arie’s bronzer/make-up/something is VERY heavily caked on for this rose ceremony. They got him a couple times where you can see such a thick layer.  Like, when he uses a make up remover wipe tonight his mind is going to be blown.

He has a dramatic moment and pulls Kendall outside to ask if she is actually ready for marriage – because like, the girls inside that barely know him TOTALLY are ready for a couple months long engagement before breaking up.  She obviously isn’t, but tricks him with her hippie banter and he picks KENDALL?!?!?! OVER TIA.
I can’t. No words.

And then they end it with MORE.
RAT.
TAXIDERMY.
STAGE.
ACTING.

Arie.  Kendall belongs in Paradise, not in the final 3.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

The group is going to go to Big Bear, where Scheana has been going with Rob for 11 years.  Because Scheana and Rob have been soulmates since the moment they met 11 years ago, so she’s been going for, like, 11 years.  Well… sure….. 11 years minus the 6 she was married…. but other than those she spent ever waking moment with or thinking about Rob the entire time.  Stop trying to steal her smile people!

A bunch of the group (read: all except Stassi/Katie/mean girl crew) is going to join, but Jax isn’t interested if he has to sleep in a twin bed with Brittany.  He’s a grown ass 38 year old man.  He is far too mature to sleep in a twin bed! Be a bartender at 38 at the same restaurant he has worked at forever after never going to college?  Do drugs every day and drink until the wee hours of the morning? Not show up for work on time and cheat on his partner over and over again? Hang out with a bunch of people a zillion years his junior? DUH! But SLEEP IN A TWIN BED!? How dare a grown ass 38 year old man do that.

Ariana continues to awkwardly discuss her sex life with Tom, while Tom tries to buy a knife to feel like a real dude in the woods.  Oh, and he slices his hand open trying to close the knife AT the knife shop.  Ya know…. just typical manly Tom stuff.

Scheana is already acting like she is a part owner of the family home.  This is “the life she envisioned for herself” versus her life with Shay.  (it’s so awkward how much she basically says someone with money versus Shay) She goes on and on and on AND ON AND ON about all of the things that he can do as a “man” and the girls just sit in their silence waiting for it to stop.

EDITORS NOTE : Scheana is another good example (like Kendall above) of where “nice” doesn’t necessarily mean you bring much to the taple.  She seems like such a nice person but damn she is so annoying.  If I was her friend and had to listen to her talk about Rob all day I would lose my mind.  
Luckily, Raquel cuts the moment of silence short with her unbelievably slow, California voice that everyone snaps out of it.

Unfortunately, Raquel’s voice only entertains for a short time, because then Scheana is baby-voicing to her dog that “dad” is coming up on the boat!
editors note : I’m sorry, but one of my BIGGEST pet peeves on the face of the earth is when someone talks to their dog and is like “let’s go see dad!!!” about their boyfriend.  I cannot handle it. 

As the day turns to night, everyone needs to quiet down and shut the heck up because Scheana’s Perfect Specimen that everyone should be jealous of needs to sleep so he can drive these drunk asses around on a boat tomorrow!

So they all reluctantly go to bed…. well… except James and Lala who continue to loudly talk/argue.

Lala tries to have a conversation with drunk James, but the only thing he can follow is his fidget spinner in his hand.
So …. until next week!

Oh, and honorable mention for my favorite intelligent comments of the night:
Jax : “It bit her in the face… isn’t that how it goes…. yeah, bit her in the face.”
Katie : “Square peg, circle hole.”  I mean…. technically Katie’s is the correct shape….

PS.  I really longed for more Raquel this episode……

:: Summer House :: 
I just love this show more than life itself.  It is such a sh*te show and makes me laugh so hard.

And the amount of boobs never ceases to amaze me! They even topped themselves and took it to a whole new level this week.
I love every moment, but asking Siri about the 3-Balls thing was absolutely hilarious.

:: Bachelor Winter Games :: 
This is definitely the dumbest of the spin-off’s…. I’m ready for some Paradise.
WHAAATTT is Ashley I (Princess Jasmine) wearing on this date!? An off the shoulder strapless leather zipper top?! WHAT?!

Although this IS the first time in about 5 years someone has reciprocated any feelings back, so maybe that’s doing the trick for her this time.

I feel like I head exploded from listening to Yuki cry and make those noises all night. Truly.  I had to mute the television when it was finally her time to leave.

:: RHOBH :: 

I’m catching up on Beverly Hills late night so I’ll keep it brief (sorry)….. but UGH.  I’m annoyed with Dorit (when am I not?!) all episode starting with the moment she answers the phone with “Bubba” and pretty much continuing through every fake-accented-moment until the end of the hour.  But I just wish Kyle had waited until the next day to bring everything up!  Because Dorit is just going to keep spinning it and spinning it.  If she had just waited she probably could have gotten LVP to give her a piece of her mind….. but this week, she just SAT THERE.
LVP and Dorit deserve each other.
And Rinna needs to give a little less children modeling and A LOT more Rinna and her big mouth.

:: CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER :: 
I could NOT be more annoyed (to be read in the voice of Chandler Bing).
PEOPLE.  Do not sign up to be on BB for 3 weeks (the real one is 3 freaking months!) if you are going to send yourselves home!!! Barely any game has been played because two people asked to be sent home on weeks when something could actually happen! SO ANNOYING.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
I loved this clip for the This Is Us Sound Guy.
I can’t wait for it to come back next week!

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
I had wanted to make Fergie’s Star Spangled Banner the Jackhole when I first saw it on Monday, but now I see that it’s been everywhere already and that it has likely been a hellacious week for her. Butttttt it really was the Jackhole?! So I’m keeping it.
And this thing I saw on instagram last night was hilarious.

I mean really though, I think those were the words.

But seriously…….it was just…. so. so. so. bad.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: BACHELOR ::

The group heads from Paris to Italy for this weeks dates, which consists of 3 one-on-ones and one group date. Jacqueline – the insane hair flipper with constant mascara under her eyes – is extremely distraught for someone that just spend their first one on one time with someone 5 seconds ago.  She is realizing that perhaps having 6 years of left of school would be a difficult thing to overcome, and that perhaps introducing your parents to a person that is still a stranger to you is WEIRD.

She goes to his room to break it off, but there was A LOT of making out (and hair flipping) for a break up.  I really don’t understand why she is sobbing!? Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to miss the exotic beach destination that could be coming for the top 3 after hometowns, but….. do we think he was going to give her a rose?  I feel like she was going to get cut this week anyway? He certainly makes out with her, like he does everyone else, in a way that says she’s the one though.

He REALLY makes out with all of them as though he is uhb-sessed.  It’s fascinating.
I feel like that is why she is distraught over sending herself home…. I think that he is THAT good of a kisser than they fear walking away from him?! Why else are they freaking out over this!?

Lauren B, the pretty mute that is afraid of her own shadow, somehow got ANOTHER one on one date, despite just having a completely silent one last week.

There is just as much fun and laughter to be had as last week (i.e. none) so it is just as shocking AGAIN when he gives her a rose.  Especially because after she says (with as much meaning and emotion as I ask for stamps at the grocery store)  that she is falling in love with him and then HE GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY.

Poor thing is just sitting there crying and then he comes back is like “Yeah let’s go meet your family!”  What just happened? Have I been drinking?! What am I missing?

Sienne gets a one-on-one date, hunting for truffles (I was salivating looking at the homemade pasta with freshly shaved truffles…..) but because she is Ivy league educated and too intelligent to carry on conversations with him she gets the boot.

The ladies are stunned. Baby Bekah is as animated as ever, and is talking about hometowns more like the show is a competition not about being there for love or “the right reasons.”

But separate from her facial expressions, WHAT is she wearing on this group date?! I think she is trying to make him forget she is 22 by dressing like a 50 year old Amish person in that skirt.
Tia – Raven’s fellow contestant from  Weiner, Arkansas – has drank the Kool Aid and thinks he is so madly in love with Arie that she wants “what’s best for him” by reminding him that a 22 year old is probs not the best marriage option.  And, in all fairness, that was pretty much what she said all episode with her commentary.  I heard no “journeys” and “futures” or anything from her.  The 22 year old wants to travel and see more than marijuana farms and I can’t blame her.

Clearly Tia’s drinking of the Kool Aid has resulted in her forgetting that men think with their penis and their penis alone.

Kendall gets the rose on the group date and I AM SO CONFUSED.  HOW has this taxidermy chick made it this far?! She seems so nice, but I’m sorry, she lost me forever at “would you eat a person if that’s what someones culture does.”  No. Thanks.  Kendall.

So now the final rose is between Tia and Baby Bekah, and up until he gave Kendall that rose I really thought Baby Bekah was staying til fantasy suite week.  I was shocked that he sent Baby Bekah home over Kendall, but I guess the producers had other ideas for the coming weeks.

I feel like he doesn’t know any of these 4 well enough to be going to hometowns? And I realize that should be how I feel every season, because they are always strangers, but I have never given it any thought until now.  I feel like other seasons they all seemed like they were at a higher level than Arie is with these four.

Also, based on the previews, all four of these hometowns look awful.

:: BACHELOR : WINTER GAMES ::

As amazing as this week of television has been, there is just too much!
Was this really the time to do this ABC?  During Celebrity Big Brother on 4 nights a week The Olympics?!

With this “new” Bachelor series, they bring together the contestants from the international versions to compete with the American rejects contestants.  It’s strange but I like having fresh faces and it was fun to see the snippets from the other shows.  Hopefully it’ll make it more interesting than watching the same unemployed hopeless castmates year after year.

Bibiana is back, which is the highlight of this for me.  I’ve missed her so on Arie’s season.

Dean is back – and after his two timing during Paradise – he shows us that he can decide between Ramen and spaghetti, so rest assured he will be able to decide between two women.

CLAIRE IS HERE. are you kidding me!? CLAIRE!? Oh Lord….. this is just embarrassing for her…..

Bachelor Japan does the rose ceremony in front of private jets when it’s down to top 4!? UM. Time to step up your game Mike Fleiss.  The Japanese contestant doesn’t speak English which will probably help keep her expectations for this experience low.

The home in Vermont looks absolutely GORGEOUS, but the sleeping arrangement looks like a nightmare – it’s like 15 people in bunk beds per room.

They filmed this first 2 hour episode very strangely because we wouldn’t even know that someone was there, and then suddenly we see Eric competing? Where do these people keep coming from? Oh well….
Bibi is already making a connection with Mr. Canada which is great.  BUT OF COURSE….. Princess Jasmine aka Ashley I likes him too, and because he likes someone else, she cries as though she just found out of a family death.  WHAT is wrong with this girl that she cries like this!? THIS reaction is likely why you are still single. She is INSANE.

A twist for this round is that they vote Survivor style for who gets eliminated.

So far, it was not nearly as entertaining as Paradise…. but I have no life and no standards, so I will be watching.

:: Celebrity Big Brother ::

It’s the same as it always is, yet somehow SO different with the celeb edition.  3 weeks versus 3 months of competition being the main one.  But I am loving it! At this point I want Ross or Marissa to win because I think Shannon has put too much of a target on her back (but if she can pull it off it will be insane! That SIXTEEN letter word in the spelling comp!? Never in the history of BB has anything even close to that happened!! She can take the whole thing so easily!)

:: RHOBH :: 

The ladies wake up after a late night of drinking at the beach house.
Well….. everyone except Erika; she left Teddi’s house and slept in a hotel instead.
due to her cramps/period and her not wanting to sleep on her sheets.
Dorit decides to tell her about while she INCORRECTLY fills a tea pot.  She is sitting there trying to fill it from the spout.  YOU OPEN THE TOP OF IT AND FILL IT PRINCESS.

Dorit blows it way out of proportion by telling Erika based on the flashbacks we see involving their comments the night before. She is totally trying to stir the pot.
I’m sorry….. it has to be said….. the CamelToe on LVP is killing me. This post workout cameltoe is unlike anything I have ever seen on TV in my life and they keep blatantly showing it.  This makes Vicki walking in heels on OC the kindest thing they’ve ever done.

Camille calls Dorit out for saying things for attention and I love it.  That completely is it – she had something to other people against Teddi and get into good graces with Erika.  She makes me INSANE. Kyle summarizes it perfectly : after you say about your friend, what was she wearing last night? you don’t go tell the friend you all said that about her.  It was harmless commentary.  DORIT. I just wish she would get kicked off this show, which never will happen, because the lack of attention would just kill her.

We get a Tom sighting since he is working from home with his car accident.

It’s fashion week and the girls are gearing up to head to NYC. LVP tells her housekeeper she’ll need “quite a selection of outfits.”  I mean….. she always looks beautiful – and by that I mean her face – but honestly, the only person that changes it up LESS than you is Ina Garten.  Let’s just be real here.  You’re going to wear black pants and pink blouse with your boobs out for the world to see.
Her giant pink velvet Chanel looks sooooo bad.  Curse me to the fashion God’s for dissing Chanel, but she looks like an idiot carrying that duffel bag sized purse as a handbag.

Dorit is just DEVASTATED that PEE-KAY cannot be with her for her COVER of magazine. He can’t make it because he’ll be dealign with all of the deals her swimsuit line has closed (sooooo why can’t you make it?)  The scene ends with her dancing into the bathroom singing “I’m going to look so fabulous”
can I just fast forward through all of her and PEE-KAY’s scenes?? 

The ladies fly to NYC for NYFW.
Kyle and and LVP head to Kyle’s NYC store and OH-EM-GEE.
Her godson Matt Sarafa comes in and my jaw hits the floor.  I LOVED him on Project Runway Juniors.  I had no idea there was a relation, and WHY does he look so different!!??!! His face is like plumped or something within an inch of his life! But seriously, loved him on PR Juniors.

The remaining ladies go to dinner together.  Why must Dorit keep dressing in strapless dresses.

also this is the most normal they’ve ever looked, not the best photo 
Why? Why? WHY?
WWWWHHYYYYY??????? How much is she paying the people around her that they keep their mouths shut about the desperate need for different boobs or different clothes!?
While her boobs are shoved up within an inch of her life, she catches Rinna up to speed on the drama she can’t wait to share.  Dorit : No one cares. I want LVP to LAY INTO HER next week and can’t wait to watch it go down.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

Oh my.  It’s just so much vagina talk.  The way Arianna says “I don’t like looking at my own vagina, let alone someone else being down there” is my version of “I don’t like talking about my own vagina, why ON EARTH do I want to hear you talk about yours for an hour!?”  There’s way too much Tom + Arianna sex chatter this week.  And basically every week.

This week is the dueling birthday parties : Stassi and Arianna.  Could they really not do this on two separate nights?  What else do you all have going on??!   The outfits, or lack thereof, for Arianna’s birthday is crazy. Half of them are half naked in lingerie, which we saw them shopping for at a PR place that led me to believe it is borrowed?  Borrowed lingerie?! Because that stuff is REAL up in the crotchity-crotch to be returned?

Lala of course looks insane.  As in insanely amazing.  And Tom of course makes more of an entrance and put more effort into his “lewk” than Arianna.

Over at Stassi’s party, it’s death themed.  (I would definitely have chosen Arianna’s).  But the dress Stassi is wearing is one I have wanted forever but have no occasion to wear it for.

I seriously love it.

Stassi throws a mini “it’s my birthday” fit and storms off, which compared to years past, wasn’t much of a fit at all.  Slow clap for Stassi.  I really don’t understand the on-and-off-and-on between her and Patrick.  He seems like a complete ass.

What man says, when he is DATING you, that he doesn’t care when you’re broken up who you sleep with he just doesn’t want you to date someone.  WHAT? He seems as though he couldn’t care less about her (and based on how much they break up, I would say it’s likely true).

OH! And Tom and Tom pretended to write checks for the first time to Lisa and Ken for the restaurant.  So cute. Even pretending they have checkbooks.  How adorable.

:: SUMMER HOUSE ::

I just love this show.  Despite having nothing really to ever say about it, I enjoy every moment.
I could watch a full hour of the drunk eating alone.  Truly.  It cracks me up.

The “during the week” snippets crack me up, like MONDAY : walking to work on a cell phone TUESDAY : meeting someone for happy hour WEDNESDAY : walking streets of city THURSDAY : a meeting

It’s like, listen Bravo, I really don’t care about Carl’s dental sales meeting.  Or anything involving Carl for that matter. But thanks for wasting my time with that when there are like SEVEN other shows I need to tear through tonight.  ‘Preciate it.

Why is Danielle ALWAYS asking Lauren about Carl!?
It’s SO ANNOYING.  If you’ve moved on, quit bringing it up!
If I were Lauren I would be so pissed and I cannot believe she isn’t jumping down her throat for how much she normally blows thing out of proportion.
but yes, Lauren is an absolute moron for being involved with Carl in any way shape or form.
when even Kyle is calling it out, it’s time to open your eyes girlfriend.
PS.  I keep forgetting to share on the blog about SCHEANA and CARL apparently hooking up (Stephen shared on WWHL.  What are people THINKING!?)

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::

Joel McHale is coming back to TV! Starting THIS SUNDAY!
I can’t even begin to tell you the joy I felt watching The Soup with him every week. I would die laughing at times.  Especially when he would have Whitney pop in with “KISS MY ASSSSSS” at random times.  Because the Whitney show that we will never get access to again thanks to her damn legal team (#RIP) was one of the best shows to ever grace the television screen.

He is having a weekly show on Sunday’s on Netflix that (to my knowledge) is very similar to what he did on The Soup.  HALLELUJAH!!!!!

And now I want to stay up all night honoring The Soup and Whitney & Bobby by posting nothing but clips and gifs, but…..ya know, Valentine’s Day….
so I need to dance around the fact that date night may never excite me the way these two can…..

but….. anything in the name of love, right?

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: The Bachelor ::

We’ve arrived in Paris, so that the ladies can squeal and act like loud children in another country that already hates Americans and thinks we all act exactly like this and the way the Jersey Housewives behaved in Milan.  How nice!

Lauren B, the girl that came out of nowhere last week, was chosen for the first date: A day wandering Paris in complete and utter silence.
Lauren B is very pretty, and very reminiscent of Emily Maynard – the Bachelorette he fell in love with, but Lauren B has absolutely NOTHING to say. Not a damn thing.  Not a comment on the artisan crafts or jewelry they are passing by in the open air market.  Nada.

I’d love to see the 27 producers sitting and watching this date of pure silence and losing their minds.

We make it to the evening date and just can’t wait to watch what unfolds….. Oh….. well, they talk a little bit…. They literally just talk about how crowded it was that day.  YAWN.  And that Lauren B was scared? Why was she scared walking the busy streets of Paris? If they are referring to fear of terrorist attack, I get it and I’m 100% on board with that…. but Lauren is so meek that I am wondering if she is actually just terrified of walking around?!

If you don’t have anything to say to one another when you are walking around Paris and through markets and sight seeing, what in the heck are you going to talk about in your kitchen eating dinner after work?
although…. I prefer to listen to a podcast while I make dinner and then we’ve summed up our days about 10 minutes into dinner and find a mututally compatible TV show instead… so who am I to judge! we talk on dates I promise….. and we used to talk when we were young and dating (although he probably ignored everything I was saying)…. but honestly – I have Bravo to watch people!!!! 

Right as we hear for the 900th time that it’s “hard for her to open up” and I am about to fall asleep on my couch, Arie drops a BOMB.  Like, one that I don’t think anyone knew before this(!?!?!) He says he had FATHERED A CHILD with the previous woman he was dating (one of the single moms) but she had a miscarriage and then dumped him.
WOAH.

I don’t know if I am more shocked with this news or the fact that he actually spoke and said something other than THE DUMBEST filler comments ever, but I AM SHOCKED.
She follows it up with a broken engagement, which would have been something, but, sorry Lauren B, not even close.

So….. after all that “opening up” – they forget that they literally had ZERO things to say to one another and she gets the rose.

The Group Date: Moulin Rouge

The girls arrive at The Moulin Rouge.  The amount of squealing and woo’ing and screaming is even more embarrassing than I had anticipated.

I’m shocked the instructor walked out smiling.  Even for the Bachelor, this was excessive.  Do you think ANY of them are embarassed about having to act like this? Or are they just this young? Or drank the Kool Aid?

Speaking of young and drinking the Kool Aid, they are all dressed in bra tops and thongs.  I would DIE. I would literally walk straight off the stage.  Would never, ever happen.  Although…. they all walk around in crop tops so I guess only the tush part is something new, but seriously, I WOULD DIE.  Of course they all look amazing, but shockingly none of them seem to have a problem with the ensembles.
well…. except the comfort level……

Baby Bekah wins the rose for the date and gets the stage time with Arie, and as nuts as she makes me, she was made for this.  She puts on a show onstage like it’s her job.

side note : she looks great as a blonde!?

Which is probably why she drives me so crazy – she is always SO animated and smiley, as if she is always on a stage performing.  but seriously, not to sound like a permanent RBF, but does ANYONE smile that big ALL THE TIME?

The Two on One Date

Speaking of giant fake smiles, Krazy Krystal has been looking forward to this date all week.  Of course, the villain is always on the two on one, so she isn’t surprised.

They go to a French Estate and kick off the date by having the girls search for him in a garden maze.  There isn’t really a prize for Krystal finding him first except that now Kendall has to just wander aimlessly.  Again, sometimes I think these things are just the crew placing bets and coming up with ideas to make their long days more enjoyable.

Krystal continues her rambling motivational speeches of nonsenese that she probably read on Pinterest that she preaches to the other girls and now with Arie :  “I don’t wanna throw away all of the color and texture and depth of our relationship.”  Now… what color IS your relationship?  Is the texture, like, a smooth suede? or a smooth leather? Or is it rough but nice like a Chanel tweed? Lemme know……

I think what I can’t stand more than her raspy fake voice is the Mmmmm Mmmm Mmmmm agreeable noises to everything.  STAHP. Please.  I’ll take your nonsensical words over noises for words.

She throws Kendall under the bus saying she isn’t ready for marriage, which he then repeats to Kendall.  Instead of Kendall getting mad, she is strangely so nice to Krystal and says she can empathize with her (yettttttt sorry not sorry she still seems like a strange bird that collects Taxidermy and would eat people…but I did enjoy her this week)

When Krystal tries to act like she doesn’t even understand why she is there she turns the tables and says that “saying something hurtful to someone or about someone else doesn’t mean you win, it just means you are hurting someone.”  Krystal has no idea how to respond to someone being honest AF about her bullsh*t but kind to her at the same time to her and suddenly she is pretty speechless.

Arie dumps Krystal – which is Ah-mazing….. yet we don’t get too much out of her…. so it was also a huge let down…. DAMN.  And now she’s gone! The next few weeks are gonna suck!

One on One with Jacqueline

I love that the car breaks down 2 seconds into their date and the car guy can’t fix the car.  I’m sure it was something complicated, but I enjoyed that a bit.
Jacqueline also came out of nowhere. She does A LOT of hair flipping and head tossing – so much that I am worried about the state of her tiny neck and hope she sees a chiropractor on the reg. (Does she also always have eye make up under her eyes that is smeared? Or make up that has yet to be removed? Something is going on here……)

But, they bond despite their completely different lives and he gives her a rose.
She seems far more intelligent than him, like Sienne, so perhaps he is keeping the quality women around because they make him seem smarter or maybe because the producers need some legit options for the next Bachelorette.

Now that Krazy Krystal is gone….. I don’t even know what to look forward to…..
I do not watch the previews because they show EVERYTHING.  It’s insane!? Why do shows do this!? Like, in case any of you wanted to see the new 50 Shades of Grey movie, just watch the trailer, I’ve seen the whole movie about 97 times because they WON’T STOP PLAYING THE COMMERCIAL.

I’ve never seen any of those and feel like I need to get on the bandwagon….. (but again…. I know everything that happens from the trailers…..)
but I digress…….

:: Update on Baby Bekah on Missing Persons List ::

So, in case you missed the news, Bekah was listed on the Missing Persons List by her mother (presumably when she was on The Bachelor) and the story went viral last week.  Oh, and look. at this. pic.

 It was an interesting report, particularly the news that she can be identified by a Scrabble Tattoo (but of course) and that she told her mom she was “going to work on a marijuana farm and would be back in 7 or 8 days.”  I mean…… this just really cannot get any better.  apparently she is now removed from the list after it all went viral, and she tweeted out  “MOM. how many times do I have to tell you I don’t get cell service on The Bachelor??”

:: Queer Eye :: 

Is back on Netflix – but with new guys, not the OG’s.  I LOVED this show so much with Carson Kresley and the original people, so I have high hopes for this.
But really, Carson was the best.

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 

The only thing I really want to talk about this week is Tom’s three brothers that come to visit from Yulee, Florida, but I will do my best to discuss other things.

I really want to know more about these 30 year old triplets that live at home and never seem to get on airplanes.  Like, a LOT more. THIS would be a spin off I would be interested in.

Tom Sandoval goes on a shopping spree for them, which should come as no surprise for Tom Sandoval, but with whose money I’m not sure? The outside of this “suit place” looks RULL sketchy. And by sketchy I mean sketchy but I also mean super cheap and gross.

After shopping for the man-boys, he then lines up clothes and shoes when they arrive to “style” them in.  He gets them UNDERWEAR and everything.  Again… so many questions about these triplets.  I’m trying to be as polite as possible….. and it’s getting difficult.

But I am confused? Are they a charity case or just a hopeless case or what? What message is this sending to them that they can’t even have underwear, it must be picked out for them?  Maybe Tom just thinks he is trying out for the new season of Queer Eye and wants to be the wardrobe stylist.

At one point, they get haircuts #sponsored by Priv in the middle of Katie and Tom’s living room.  They put nothing down on their FURRY SHAGGY RUG and let the CHUNKS of hair just fall ALL OVER IT.  I am so disgusted.  (seriously how much does Priv pay for all of these plugs?! It must be insane!?)

BUT.  The highlight of my Triplets episode is when Tom says “alright guys, lets get you dressed!”  The camera cuts over to one brother that is TRYING to put on his JACKET and needs assistance.
HE CANNOT GET A BLAZER ON.
HE NEEDS HELP.
PUTTING.  ON.  A BLAZER.
Tom has to tell him to take it down the one arm a little bit in order to get the other arm in.
I. CAN. NOT.

Okay I will stop now because honestly that makes me wonder a lot of things and perhaps I should not be commenting at all…….
To end on a high – the triplets look great and could not be happier to spend time with these awful d-bags of people in Los Angeles.

What else happened……I’ll try to find topics other than the brothers to discuss.

Stassi is going to interview her transgender coworker Billie and it brings up all the stuff that has gone on in the press with her choice of words and ignorance.  I bet she is freaking out that all of this is airing and being brought up again because I think she had a lot of battles and lost sponsorships the last few months.

Lisa is having an event (with Tiny Mark from BH Magazine! Yay for more Tiny Mark!) and everything is going horribly because she relies on her Sur staff to work it.  Lisa…. this should be no surprise. The only time they “work” at Sur is for filming and half the time they are drinking and smoking and yelling in the back alley, not working.  Not the smartest move for a magazine that is supposed to be super swanky and “Chi Chi Chi”

There’s a real awkward moment when Katie is serving drinks and Kevin Lee makes a comment to her about her weight. And then not only that…. he doesn’t stop.  He goes so far as to say “I can tell you’ve gained weight. You have to work on it. Seriously, I’m telling you as a friend.  It’s out of control now I can tell.”  YOWZA. (I read that LVP isn’t following him on instagram anymore…. could this have caused a big uproar?!)

Jax says “fight’ed” in his diary confessional thinking it’s a word.  And then chips his tooth on a beer bottle.
and I know with these posts I should be the last to judge grammar, but I promise, it’s because I am lazy and sick of reading my own words, not because I have the IQ of Jax.  I assure you…. just very, very lazy.

We end with Jax doing his fake “reiki” session with Kelsey, who is a pretty girl that stands in between his legs and touches him for an hour and keeps her face mere inches from his… so hmmm …. wonder why he is committed to that…….

My husband came in the room when Jax was saying he was a model and he said “He’s a model?” in shock.  And I agree, the years have not been kind to Jax.  Nor has the plastic surgery.

Then he says to call him his real name, Jason, and my husband got very confused when I tried to explain that one.
When they show the modeling photos, with his killer body, it’s like UM YEAH maybe you should go by Jason because if Jax was your modeling name you look nothing like those photos.  Sorry, not sorry.

:: RHOBH :: 

My one nice comment about the Kemsley’s for the week: I actually love that PEE-KAY says that Boy George only sings with people that can’t sing.  She laughed it off, but I’m sure it was a blow.

She gives him her birthday present for him.  No, not the multi-million dollar car we had to watch her talk about and test drive for 10 minutes.  It is a $1500 3D figurine of her and the kids….. and Phoenix’s head gets knocked off the second she gives it to him.  I’m not going to lie, I laughed a little too hard.

The majority of this week is devoted to the “who is better friends with whom” debate between LVP-Kyle-Dorit.  Dorit is still peeved about Kyle defending Teddi on the “yacht” (see notes below) and basically says that Lisa can butt in to the conversation but Kyle cannot.
Kyle gets very emotional over the convo and begins to cry.  While Dorit consoles Kyle, LVP just up and leaves the table.  Straight up throws a fit and is done because she didn’t get to talk about her husbands sexual assault lawsuit being dropped.  (hmmmm if I were you I would quit drawing attention to it entirely, but what do I know…)

LVP could not be more childish.  When she can’t be the center of attention and the star of the show, she seems to want nothing to do with it.

Kyle and Dorit bond over their shock with this behavior but Kyle gets really upset when she realizes that she doesnt know about LVP’s upbringing or her jewelry line.  Kyle tries to get the last word in with “trust me Dorit, I’ve known her way longer than you and been friends with her way longer.”
This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen in my life.  She’s not that great – so quit fighting over her!

We make it to Teddi’s Pot Luck sleepover at her Manhattan Beach House.   I’m mixed about the “pot luck” party.  What’s the big deal about a pot luck!? No biggie! But these are Beverly Hills women, so, no thanks?  And they are all driving being chauffeured in traffic for who knows how long to get to this place, so something tells me that’s not the time and place for a potluck.  And I also don’t think corn hole on the beach works with these ladies or their ensembles…… (editors note: I don’t even know how to spell chauffeured apparently, so clearly I am the person that WANTS to play games on the beach and bring myself some crack cake and a mayo based dip. So, Teddi, rich BH ladies are not your crowd clearly if this sounds right up my alley.)

Why does Dorit act like this beach house is such a shack? There are less steps to the ocean here than there are to her front door from the driveway in BH!
OH.  But wait…. I have one more nice thing to say about the Kemsley’s! Look at me!
That was very kind of her to bring all of that food to the pot luck that her mother-in-law made.  Tons of it! Very nice.

I’m also really not into Erika being friends with Dorit this season….. just really not into it…..Erika is fading fast this season….

:: PEE-KAY birthday Update ::
So…. I listened to Bitch Sesh, a Housewives podcast that I love, last week after already publishing posting Coffee Talk but I just had to share a tid bit!
One of their friends was ON the boat for the birthday, because her dad and stepmom or something of the sort know them.
Now, I’m not saying the party wasn’t very nice, but that was definitely not a “yacht” that they were on.  They LANDED on a yacht on the Helicopter, but that boat for the party didn’t look like anything uber-chic.

But the main thing is – after all of this disdain from Dorit over a server bringing her a drink in the wrong wine glass : The woman seated next to the girl had A FULL LATEX GLOVE IN HER SALAD when it was served to her.  A full on complete hand latex glove.

CAN YOU EVEN!? I just would LOVE if this would go as viral as possible so that my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen could bring it up right as Dorit harps on about the wrong wine glass and continues to pretend she has an ounce of manners in her……

but I digress……

:: Jackhole of the Week ::
I can’t handle these Kardashian baby names.
Stormi? Seriously?

:: Mazel of the Week :: 
Sonja Morgan is now in the SHOE BUSINESS!

How DOES she find the time to juggle all of these business endeavors!?
She’s a true entrepreneur!
PS. So excited for RH of NY I can’t stand it! 

:: Celebrity Big Brother ::
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to watch the first of 3 nights in a row of BB.
and what on Earth are you wearing Julie Chen!?

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE