DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC :: 

Oh em gee y’all. Is OC almost over? Because I’m ready for some Beverly Hills and done with these ladies.

Peggy and Diko’s entire story line is still about her not knowing slang.  WE GET IT.  It’s been 15 episodes of this. Have they watched too much Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica?

I will give props to Peggy for her gorgeous necklace that went down her back last week for their anniversary party! Loses points for flaunting gifts in front of all of their guests at the party.   Open your ugly matching watches at home!

We are treated to a montage of moments where VIcki goes nuts on everyone during the past 12 years. (Is this her exit montage? Please? I hope so? Although some of those moments were great…. the “You brought a Family Van!?” really brings me back).

Vicki is riding the Influenza B train right on into the cardiologists offie.  She needs a full check of her heart.  This woman will do ANYTHING for a casserole. I wonder what illness she will get next week?

Meghan King Edmonds is perhaps the only saving grace of this episode, because she introduces us to the one and only MYSTIC MICHAELA.  I mean….Wow.  Michaela, a psychic and aura reader, is straight out of an SNL skit. And an SNL skit where she is played by Kristen Wiig.  Hands down.  The way she talks and her spastic nervous energy is just not to be believed.  She seems like one of the strangest human beings ever with her nervous and awkward mannerisms.

The psychic starts reading aura colors and talking about yellow and who knows what. Shannon gets all excited and exclaims “Oh my aura is positive too” and Mystic Michaela goes “Oh well yours is kind of ummm” and kind of twitches all over the place.
It’s like the Penelope skit (the one-upper character) in terms of her voice and behaviors. 

Peggy puts Mystic Michaela in her place pronto with some killer RBF.  She says she absolutely does not want a reading and OF COURSE she is good at reading people and very intuitive.  She knows.  She knows.

PS. Lydia’s white wash skirt and top this episode was just….. wow…..

Vicki doesn’t want to bring her heart problems to light with Mystic Michaela.  Especially because a physic was the one who started the whole thing about Brooks cancer being fake. So instead, Vicki hangs out with the only person in the group that is willing to tolerate her, Kelly, who seems to do this because Vicki is better than her husband.

We all know that Kelly is easily confused, so she asks about the hepatitis B.

Suddenly, when Vicki’s “influenza B” is being confused as “hepatitis B” she is able to classify it as the common flu, but before? NEVER. She was near death! She needed a damn CASSEROLE PEOPLE.

Shannon has officially lost her damn mind.  Well, we all know it’s just the personal stress, so I understand and still love her, but my God woman LOCK IT UP.  You keep having the meltdown of the century every time someone blinks at you the wrong way!

Meghan King Edmonds was totally trying to plan her own “Dinner Party From Hell” and solidify her spot on the show, or at least create a classic Housewives Dinner scene.  Nice try Meghan.  She just keeps stirring that pot this season…..  but no amount of effort will recreate the dinner at Camille’s.  I didn’t see an E-Cig in sight! And little Mystic Michaela looks like she’d be terrified to start any beef between any of the ladies, let alone start the trouble by calling out that people’s husbands will never fulfill them.  She is no Allison Dubois.

Because my gawd that was the best dinner party ever.

Vicki was on my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen’s WWHL with Rita Wilson.  Rita is a breast cancer survivor, and watching her comment on Peggy and the cancer story line and then say “who would make up cancer” and stare at Vicki was AH-MAZING.

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS :: 

Dallas is the only saving grace for Housewives currently.  OC and Jersey can’t hold a candle to Beverly Hills and New York, but at least Dallas is trying.  The worst part of this week was barely getting any time with Mama Dee.

Cameron is taking her pink dog food business to the next level by going to “Booneville” to meet with a dog food manufacturing facility.  She feels like “a blonde alien visiting another planet” and I must say, the two men staring at her with her dog Louis in his purse must think exactly that.

Brandi has an all white party for the ladies, which will be the first time everyone is together since their trip to Mexico.  Things are very rocky between Stephanie and Brandi versus Cary and Cameron, thanks mostly to Mr. Chocolate the sex toy and also to Brandi mentioning that Cary had said her plastic surgeon killed someone. Cary still vehemently denies ever saying that.  I still believe that she did….. how could someone ever make that up?! LeeAnne maybe would, but not Brandi. 

Cameron begins doling out her commentary on low class moves made by Brandi, starting with the realization that drinks are being served in plastic cups.  She later will realize why……

LeeAnne arrives at this party and she is so excited to throw down that not even sobriety and a flesh eating bacteria can stop her.   Literally.

LeeAnne is ready to fight so they head down to the lower level of this party space where they can hear each other (slash where they can really get after it). I wish that Brandi and Stephanie and Cary could get over their stuff because the three of them should not be arguing!

LeeAnne brought note cards, so she isn’t going to miss a beat.
And apparently her IV drip earlier that day gave her some serious strength, or maybe the flesh eating bacteria is feeding the Carnie Crazy even more, because she is even more intense than she is usually is! I didn’t even know that was possible!  How is she more nuts sober than intoxicated?

I don’t know why on earth Brandi brings up Cary being the other woman before her marriage; how can these people be friends and then be so quick to throw each other under the bus!? Whether it’s true or not, leave the truly hurtful + family destroying stuff to LeeAnne!
Speaking of destroying and LeeAnne, In case Cary doesn’t know she means business, she takes her wine glass, stands up, and hurls it the ground so that it shatters all over the place.

I meannnnnnnnnnnn.

And on perfect cue, Cameron realizes “This is why you have plastic.”

LeeAnne really scares me.  Legitimately.
But perhaps the most surprising words to come out of her mouth weren’t those towards Cary, but those regarding Mr. Chocolate.  She says there isn’t a man on the planet that doesn’t like a D-eye-L-D-Oh. Gay, Straight, All Men like it.  Ummmmm excuse me?!?!
I’m with Cameron, “Oh my gosh – EARMUFFS”

And all the episode leaves me thinking is, I think LeeAnne IS the flesh eating virus.
OH, and that yoga really works, because how Cary remains calm during a woman an inch from her face screaming is amazing to me.
OH, and I love Cameron re-applying her lipstick into her princess mirror iPhone case a few times throughout LeeAnne losing her Sh*te as though there isn’t a woman going ballistic next to her.

:: DEMI LOVATO :: 
I really want to watch the Demi Lovato documentary.  I’m not an uber fan or anything, but I’ve always really liked her and feel like it will be a great cuddled up on the couch weekend activity.

Plus, I’ve never watched any singer documentaries (Katy Perry, Beiber)
but everyone has always talked about how great they are.
You can watch it for free on YouTube.

:: Chyna and Rob ::
Blac Chyna has gotten Lisa Bloom on board as a lawyer  to sue every single member of the Kardashian family. I’m not even trying to defend the Kardashians by saying this, because I couldn’t care less and they are just fine no matter what lawsuit occurs, but Chyna is straight up deranged.  Rob dating her and falling into this trap is the biggest example of a man thinking strictly dicktly if I’ve ever seen it.

The article shares :

“They decided to start a war by trashing her online repeatedly, so it’s on … and we are going to vigorously fight for Chyna in this case,” Chyna’s attorney Lisa Bloom told Us Weekly of Rob’s family members being sued by Chyna: Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner, who she blames for the cancelation of her and Rob’s E! reality series, Rob & Chyna. “Even though Chyna left Rob at the end of 2016, the network was still interested in doing season two of the show. How would these two live separate lives and co-parent a baby? Would they get back together? This is classic reality show material, but the show was killed. Chyna’s rep was told it was because the Kardashian family would not allow it to go forward.”

“It’s not just she lost a lot of income by not getting season two or all the other seasons that would’ve followed, it’s the endorsement deals, it’s the appearances fees, promotion of her products,” Bloom continued. “This is how reality shows can become very lucrative, and the Kardashian family knows well because they have exploited the economic benefits of reality TV better than anyone … and God bless them for it. I admire their business savvy in doing that, but they know very well how important it is to have a hit show so other things could flow from it. They knew what they were depriving Chyna of.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!
She’s already going to be sitting back and cashing checks, and now she needs MORE?!
Their show was pure trash, but seeing gifs like these almost made it worth it

allllllllmost. 

:: Scott Disick :: 
Speaking of Kardashians, Scott is STILL dating Lionel Richie’s daughter Sofia.

Seriously?!?!?

:: Billy Joel ::
I know that men can have kids basically forever, but my gawd,
at 68 can we just put the mouse back in the house and call it a day?!?

:: Mychael Knight :: 
I was so sad to hear about the news that Project Runway’s Mychael Knight had passed away.
He was always so smiley and I loved him on the show.

:: MAZEL / JACKHOLE :: 
No offense to the wonderful Joan Rivers (RIP), but I am not sad to learn the new that Fashion Police is ending for good next month.  After she passed, the show just got worse and worse and was a revolving door of people in and out.

And listening to Kelly Osborne of all people give fashion advice for years was enough to make my skin crawl.

:: JACKHOLE pt. 2 :: 

I watched the premiere of Jersey Housewives  but haven’t watched anything else…. I just don’t know if I can do it! I never missed it the years I didn’t watch, then watched last season and thought it was okay, but I don’t know if I can deal with Danielle being back.  Is it really worth it? They all are just so….. much.  Too much.
But those watching let me know your thoughts and maybe I’ll try a few more episodes.

also… on top of my phone being completely wiped in order to get it to turn back on
our internet keeps going out.  technology hates me this week!
I had to drive to Starbucks after re-setting the router 5 times this morning, my apologies for a late post! 

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

As my-boyfriend-andy-cohen said on WWHL, my heart, thoughts, and prayers are with Las Vegas, so please know that this blog and these posts are always meant to be a distraction from the real world;
some light nonsense to lighten things up for a few moments and distract from the sad and awful, but never to undermine it.  xx 

I’m writing this week’s Coffee Talk from 30,000 (?) feet in the sky, en route to meet my husband on the West Coast. He’s working here this week and next (and always it seems) so I am flying out to celebrate his birthday weekend!   While I have endless live Bravo TV – hallelujah! – and wifi on board, the internet can move rull slow, so searching for images and having time to edit is limited.  My apologies!

:: RHONJ ::

I had taken a few years off from NJ when it just got to be nonstop yelling, but I began watching again last season.  (I missed the years with the twins and when Dina made a comeback and all of that).
Siggy is my new favorite.  A highlight was her climbing in the car and saying “Sir, can you please put on some air? I no longer have a uterus.”  Classic.  I’ll be saving that one in my pocket to pull out in the future.
The saying through tears “I think I’m the most talented person on the face of the earth…..” line….not so much.
But I do love her.  She walks right in to dinner in Boca and just causes the biggest scene – greeting everyone at their table and then taking food from another table to hers – it’s just perfect.
The return of Danielle Staub (from season one and all of the infamous table flipping scenes) blows my mind.
They must have been replaying season 1 this past week because I turned the TV on to a scene with her two daughters and it was a blast from the past.  But it made me really sad for her girls and made me wonder what they are up to (lovely readers, you always know, so feel free to share in the comments!).  Danielle Staub is usually the type that leaves me with no words, but, I found some.
When she came out in Boca and did her opening diary line of “That’s right bitches, I’m back.” I just thought, wow, you should get your money back on the latest boob job because whatever is going on there is not looking good.
Each breast looked INDIVIDUALLY bigger than her head.
Danielle and Teresa being friends makes zero sense.  And if Danielle is hoping for apology from Teresa it’s not going to happen – ever.  She won’t admit any guilt or apologize for what her and Joe did to get their jail sentences; so trust me, she won’t apologize to you.
And Dolores is somehow the only one who thinks Danielle’s crazy and that this is a bad idea.
What do we think of this blonde pig-tailed newbie?

:: RHOC :: 

Last week I had commented about how VIcki was for sure looking to get herself some sympahty in the form of a cheezy, bubbly casserole for her Influenza B diagnosis, and whattaya know:  this week VIcki blatantly says that she expected a damn casserole! She even brings her medical records in her purse to prove it was INFLUENZA B! B PEOPLE! B!
B = casserole.  Obviously.

I fear that I spoke too soon last week when I was finally, 12 episodes in, pleased at the end of the hour.  Because yet again, this weeks leaves much to be desired.

To Summarize: Doug finally go this balls cut off.  Well, had something cauterized.  Lydia finally explained she knows that the balls remain intact.  Tamra and VIcki, the grandma’s (literally) of the show, are trying to drag out their feud in hopes that it drags out their contacts on the show.  Shannon continues to just be having the worst time ever with David and now is saying she isn’t over the affair (a far cry from her insistence previous seasons that she was passed it and never thought about it at all – which was so clearly untrue.) And as they always do, they have their spats in front of their kids at the dinner table, this time with Shannon’s mom too.  Peggy and Diko continue to confuse everyone, now including the husbands, about wether or not Peggy had cancer and then get pissed at being for being confused.  And Meghan and Kelly Dodd were kind of just bystanders this week.

Is anyone ever at Cut Fitness? Ever?……… Like, other than Eddie?
Does anyone actually care if Vicki and Tamra make up? (editors note: NO)
When is Tamra’s behavior going to match what she preaches about with being a “sister in Christ”?
Does this mean it’s the end of all of the Ball Talk from Lydia? What will her story line become now?
Do you think Lydia came up with Ball Voyage all on her own? Because I don’t think she could have coined “Snip Gift” as the male counterpart to a Push Present AND Ball Voyage all by herself.
Is Shannon ever going to just leave David? Or the other way around? How long is this marriage-merry-go-round going to go round and round before something happens, positive or negative?
…. and most of all….
Does everyone know that Shannon gained 40 pounds because of Vicki Gunvalson? Not David?
…… Mmk good…..just wanted to make sure everyone knew.

:: Lionel RIchie ::
Lionel Richie has spoken out regarding his daughter dating Scott Disick.
“I’m scared to death, are you kidding me?”
“Have I been in shock?! I’m the dad, come on.”
No surprise there.  But don’t worry, Lionel, I’m sure it won’t last.

:: RHOD ::

Just to start this recap on a positive note: I am extremely impressed with the amount of tequila these ladies are able to throw back.   Wowza.  Between the “tasting” on the beach and then dinner, I would have been puking under the table before the appetizers were served.  And I like to think I can throw down.

So, we pick back up in Mexico with the ladies for a fun filled vacation, which we all know will soon become a scene of yelling at one another across a dinner table in a beautiful setting while half a dozen poor staff stare in dismay.
Brandi is up to her usual antics, which this trip involve a giant dildo being hidden in D’Andra’s purse and pulled out on the beach.

Kameron is not pleased with it at all, and runs away from it as Brandi chases her.  While I do think Kameron is likely no fun, and I would way rather hang with Brandi, there is a part of me that understands.  There is a staff of like 15 men standing in a row staring at them as this happens which is mortifying to me.  But just go with it Kameron!  You’re causing a bigger scene by running around the beach and making her chase you.

I hope these poor staff members are getting tipped better than Ramona tipper the staff on her Mexican vacay. 

D’Andra finally reveals why her and LeeAnne are so close.  They have bonded over a fear of dying alone. womp womp, debbie downer. I mean, she said it dead seriously too. Some heavy stuff going into tequila round 2.

LeeAnne has introduced a new diary ensemble.  She is a skin tight dress and she poses on the edge of the seat leaning forward as though she is going to come through your television screen as she discusses strangling people with her bare hands.  It’s lovely.

Why did no one lick a finger and de-smudge Brandi’s eye make up that had made it way down below her eyes? Or at least tell her to go to the bathroom to fix it?  Stuff like that drives me nuts.

Note: please, always always tell someone when there is food in their teeth or something in their nose or make up smeared across their eyes.  It’s the polite thing to do – not rude! 

Cary throws us all for a loop at the end of dinner by attempting to go after LeeAnne for the “hands” commentary, but then turning on Brandi.

Cary denies ever saying anything about Brandi’s plastic surgeon having killed someone on the table.  She says she would never say that.  What?! Why would Brandi ever make that up!? Then in Cary’s diary session she says “if she did say that a surgeon killed someone, well, she wouldn’t have made that up.”  What?!   I’m interested to see how these two settle this, because Brandi never would have come up with that on her own.  Ever.

LeeAnne really calmed her Carnie Crazy this episode……

:: KUWTK :: 
The new season premiered on Sunday night and I am devastated.
Why did Kendall do her lips!!??
Apparently I live under a rock because they were showing footage from months ago, but I don’t follow any of them on social media so this was my first Kendall sighting except for runway shows.
WHY!? She is so gorgeous and now all you see is LIPS.
Do they not understand that plastic surgery when you are young and pretty makes you look old and crazy!?

:: Jackhole of the Week ::
Kim Catrall. 
Sex and the City 2 was one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a third one.  It seems like she is the sole cause of there not being a third and final installment.  And she is bashing SJP along with it.
Seriously though, wasn’t the 2nd movie just hands down the worst? But I would LOVE another one.

and now Standford Blatch is chiming in and it’s getting even juicier…..

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

:: RHOC :: 

The season of constantly humiliating Shannon continues.  We open with sounds of panting and sexy-time music playing in the background and moments later the music screeches to a halt and we are left with Shannon trapped on the spin bike, hating her life more than she already hates David.

She explains that when she professed her hatred of spinning more than any other form of exercise, David promptly bought her a spin bike.
I mean…. I’m laughing… but it isn’t funny. Damn that David!

Lydia has solidified her story line this season as not being about glitter and rainbows, but about her husbands vasectomy.  And week after week she continues to discuss Doug getting his “balls chopped off”, so much so, that now I am truly concerned that  she believes a vasectomy truly is having your testes removed.
update: she was on my-boyfriend-andy-cohen WWHL and had to clarify that she does in fact know this… so she must be getting lots of this from people…. 

I will say…. I think it’s pretty clever to call it a “ball voyage” party.  I think it’s hilarious.  But hilarious if you are just going out with your girlfriends to be like “Hallelujah we’re done with kids – cheers!” not to have an entire story line on a television show, throw a party, and take men and women out on your boat with your husband to celebrate the night before.  That…. that I think is weird.
(and you may argue Kelly did the same thing last week for her reduction…. to which I say…. yeah she did.  But boob cakes are always funny and Kelly Dodd is insane.  So…. there) 

Vicki found out that attention and flowers (and dare I say CASSEROLES?) were being sent Kelly Dodd’s way post breast reduction, so she needed to get the focus back on her.  We learn through her raspy phone call with Lydia that she has been diagnosed with Influenza B.   I had no idea what she had said she was sick with – they subtitle everything on this show, and we can’t get a subtitle for that? But later at the girls dinner, Kelly Dodd says she’s sick with THE FLU.  And then it is explained she has “Influenza B” aka THE FLU.  She in UN-believable.

We realize that the two prior attempts at “cancer-gate” conversation that we saw earlier this season are long from over, and again, I am also extremely confused about Peggy and the “3 mm” “nothing” and then it turns to a “3 mm” “cancer” and then back.  I have no clue.  All I followed was that all of the women admitted to having HPV and basically cheers’ed to it.

Shannon is making me crazy this season.  I love her, but she’s killing me.  She is constantly causing problems and drama and then crying and screaming and acting like the world is against her.  Last week things ended with a big uproar between her and Lydia about, what else, boobs.  It seemed like it was put to bed after Shannon had a meltdown and basically forced Lydia from leaving until things were resolved.  So, after resolving things, Shannon then invites all of the women to dinner EXCEPT Lydia.  That is so mean! Take your anger out on David, not on Lydia! And in the whole Lydia v. Shannon debate, I am sadly on Lydia’s side.  Shannon has been nothing but coo coo crazy around her, yelling and crying and running away.   WHY would you keep it going like this, when she has let you off the hook 3 times already?
This shouldn’t be surprising though because this is what Shannon does with EVERY new housewife (even though Lydia isn’t new, she is new to Shannon).
So, Shannon is mean girl’ing Lydia.  Then Lydia calls to invite everyone to the Ball Voyage. And Shannon immediately wants to know “Well, is Vicki going to be there?!”  Um??? You can’t dictate a guest list for someone else’s party? Especially someone that you aren’t even friends with, and that you didn’t invite to dinner the night before their party.  Sorry, lady.

Editors Note : Sometimes I go and read the blogs on Bravo to see what their reactions are to what is said about them, and also how they defend their behavior on these episodes and it’s just laughable.

:: Kelly Dodd Divorcing Michael :: 
Kelly announced Wednesday that she is filing for divorce from Michael….

I can’t help but think it’s not going to happen or they will get back together.  I also fear for her behavior on the dating scene. Thoughts?

:: RHOD :: 

I am really loving Dallas.  And I am really, really excited for this Mexico trip.
Cary is back to butting heads with Mark and discussing their sex life.  “You know it’s really bad if we’re only having sex once a day.”  I can tell you one thing, if my husband were reprimanding me for building a business with him and then needing to cut back on my work hours to spend time with our own child, the last thing he would be getting was daily sex.  You’re making us look bad Cary! And I don’t just mean with your perfect hair! (Seriously I catch myself just oogling her hair constantly….)

The plastic surgery theme from OC continues right on in to Dallas.
Brandi is driving LeeAnne to her plastic surgeon/vagina doctor – insert triple board certified debate – and we learn that Cary had done something similar to Brandi’s doctor for her “mommy makeover” post babies.  Only hers was worse.  Cary said that Brandi’s doctor had killed people on the operating table.  I mean…. I don’t think she would (or could) make up blatant lies, so that is just a tiny bit terrifying.

The terror continues the moment they arrive at the OBGYN office slash Plastic Surgeon’s.
He has A LEVEL.  Like, construction/hanging pictures level on the counter.
“We use a level…. It can be a bit confusing.”
EXCUUUUUUSE ME??
WHAT??
If you’re a plastic surgeon isn’t it your job to know how to get nipples even WITHOUT a construction level?!
LeeAnne, get your head out of your ass and listen to Cary – RUN GIRL.

Brandi really cracks me up, especially when she has no filter and just cracks herself up in her diary sessions. She is talking about how perfect LeeAnne’s rack is and how she shouldn’t mess with it at all.  That she would walk around with it on display forever.  And since they basically show it, with just the bits blurred, I would agree.  Perhaps this is why Rich stays with the Crazy Carnie? 

And somehow, right before going under the knife at the hands of a vagina doctor, LeeAnne’s concern isn’t herself, but Cary.  We hear LeeAnne’s words, growling and angry, through the mic behind closed doors.

“She’s going to come for me one day and it isn’t going to be pretty.  Her husband gets his ___ s___ed at The Round-Up.  I know the boy who did it, I didn’t grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth…. I grew up with a lot of things in my hands and they’re not knives …..they’re just hands. But they work quite well.”

(If you didn’t watch last season get on it. But really, you should see what she did on the girls trip to the Austin Lake House).  And we all know about the sandpaper police report…..
But seriously…. THIS is the person giving motivational speeches!?

Cary tells Mark that it’s the last surgery she’ll be participating in to his great displeasure, and I just keep wondering “when does the icy part go away enough for you to even have sex once a day??”

Stephanie meets with her life coach and discusses her kids and family life.  Side note: Stephanie’s face is looking much more back to normal, and now I am believing her that she hasn’t done anything. The first few episodes she looked totally different, which she said was puffiness from crying, so I’m glad to see that perhaps she didn’t go too overboard with the fillers.

Cary and D’Andra go to the gun range with their husbands and the only thing that is important about this is WTF is on Cary’s feet.  It was so awful it needed an iPhone photo of the TV.

It’s like combat boots meet clown shoes insprired by IT or something?
She made up for it by wearing a super cute striped navy and white maxi to Mexico later though.

Why is LeeAnne going to Mexico when her breasts are still wrapped in banages?
Is this better or worse than Ramona getting a chemical peel before Mexico? Somehow, I still think Ramona’s is worse.

The ladies fly to Mexico! Playa del Carmen to be exact.
Brandi is already asleep in the van on the way to the hotel and  I don’t blame her! You’ve seen how exhausting her little girls are!? Mama wanted some cocktails!

Cameron is wearing white jeans with the cutest pink gingham shirt and then she bends over to take her shoes off and we see that they match.  And sorry not sorry, I’m loving it.  I also just realized I loved not having really any scenes with Cameron this episode…. oops.  I think I’m fine with her when she’s with the group, but all of her scenes at home with her family are kind of stupid and awful? Sorry.

If you thought the level thing was scary at LeeAnne’s “plastic surgeons” office, just wait.
I truly cannot believe what went on at this plastic surgeon’s office!
He told her to get a compact at the drug store and put it in between her breasts so there isn’t any bulk there and then tape it to yourself — WHAT?!

Cameron can’t believe that Brandi is telling the girls about LeeAnne’s growling threats, but I can! And dont forget – she never repeated the gay bar thing, which was the only actually hurtful thing – so Brandi was being a friend to both parties while still being honest, if ya ask me.

D’Andra continues her full time lecturing of LeeAnne, even though it never works. “If you keep saying the same thing over and over people are going to believe it.”
UM YEAH.  I believe the Crazy Carnie and her threats!
dumb (even for me) editors note : how great would it be if LeeAnne’s name really was Carnie? 

:: RHOM is returning…. maybe??  ::
There are rumors of Real Housewives of Miami making a comeback – with a twist of some sort – to Bravo. I mean…. I wouldn’t be opposed to it…. I need some more Mama Elsa in my life.

:: Big Brother ::
Meant to discuss last week that I have no faith in America after Cody won America’s Vote on the finale.
NONE.  You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

:: DWTS :: 
I love this show so much.
I am blanking on everything I have to say except
1) My crush on Nick Lachey has never & will never go away
2) Franki Munez’ excitement about being on the show is the sweetest thing ever.
2) HOW THE H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS DOES PETA HAVE THAT BODY POST BABY??!!
and trust me when I say these pictures don’t even do her justice!

:: Kylie Jenner Preggo at 20 ::
I’m sure you know the news that Kylie is apparently pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby.

I know it isn’t a rarity, but seriously, I just cannot imagine having a baby before being able to have a legal drink.  Call me a square, but yeah, I’d like to experience ordering wine at dinner before experiencing child birth.

:: Khloe Preggo now too?? ::
Forget Kylie, now the news is that Khloe is pregnant.
The more shocking bit of information I learned from this article was that her boyfriend had a baby December 2016 with his ex-girlfriend….. I mean…. weren’t the two of them together already?! (update: Yes) He had a baby with another lady 9 months ago?

These Kardashians really know how to pick’em!
I mean….. was this common knowledge??
That his ex hadn’t even given birth when he and Khloe got together?
I also then learned that the ex-gf-baby-mama is cousins with Kevin Hart’s wife….. I just can’t.

:: This Is Us ::
Cried 3 times.  SO happy it’s back.
But, crazily enough, there was even a comment from Kevin’s character about a bazillion more Kardashians being born in this weeks episode!  And this was obviously filmed way before any of this baby news so I found that to be hilarious.

:: Cardi B Bodak Yellow ::
While perusing my entertainment news yesterday, I saw that some song called “Bodak Yellow” had dethroned Taylor Swift’s song “Look what you made me do” for the #1 spot. I was like “Oh goodness! I haven’t heard of this song or this person! Let me look it up! Can’t wait to hear it”
I wish I could take these thoughts and the moments that followed immediately.
SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? I have officially become a 60 year old housewife because WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?
How can that song even play on the radio!?
Never thought I’d be missing hearing “Look what you made me do” but I am.
If hating this song and everything about it is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

:: End of Fixer Upper ::
I want to cry This Is Us tears over the news of this upcoming season of Fixer Upper being the finale.  I am truly devastated.  It is MY FAVORITE . What am I going to do without Chip’s antics?! Even the re-runs that I’ve seen 97 times each are amazing!  Truly….. this kills me.  I am SO SAD.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::

There will be no Jackhole this week, only MAZEL’s! It’s premiere week for so many shows – even my husband was excited about TV this week (never. happens.)
And the biggest of them all goes to Will & Grace

I cannot believe this is happening.  Truly.  Can’t believe it.
I am so freaking excited
AND it already got picked up for a second season before the first episode even airs.
You know where to find me tonight!

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: NEXT WEEK ::
Next week is the premiere week of some truly amazing television.
But none of it matters….. except for one :
THE RETURN OF WILL AND GRACE.
NEXT THURSDAY.
IN THEIR ORIGINAL TIME SLOT.
In the words of Jack McFarland

OHH…. MYYY…. GAAHHHHH.
I feel like next week I should just do a Coffee Talk of Will & Grace gif’s…..
I feel like I should cancel work and just have a party or something!?
Who wants to come over!?

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS :: 

I really want to hear a full speech from LeeAnne, just to hear what it’s really like.  And see her facials. I’ve got to take in the full experience.  Anyone know where a recent full recording of Ms. LeeAnne Locken would be? LeeAnne is back at her motivational speaking and a few of the ladies came to watch. LeeAnne waves, walks off stage, and mere moments later is talking shite about Cary.  How inspriring and motivational! I love D’Andra continually calls her out: you can’t talk crap about people the same time as giving a motivational speech.  Maybe this is why you aren’t good as an adult at making friends?

Brandi’s kids are just absolutely insane.  How on earth can she think she can handle another? I have no idea how she survives each day! Certainly no thanks to Brian!

I love that LeeAnne is at the carnival and knows how to win EVERY game.
This is pure gold – I have never loved LeeAnne more.  It’s incredible.
And I must say, I never saw this proposal coming!

I cannot believe that Mark is this hands off as a dad and this big of an ass of a husband and fine displaying it on TV. It always scares me to think that if people are like this in front of cameras, how much worse are they behind closed doors?! He seems like someone that really cares about appearances, and he’s is looking AWFUL, but maybe his concern only extends to fashion.

He is as bad as Cary’s daughter Zuri (why can’t people pick normal names?) with whining.  And for him to constantly criticize her for spending time with her daughter…. um, WHAT? I can see why Cary, Brandi, and Stephanie are a 3-some –> they all are sick to death of their awful husbands and rightfully so.

It’s time for the ladies to arrive at D’Andra’s Honest Tea.
side note : I will never, ever get over D’Andra’s house.  I mean……. 

Kameron discusses what is acceptable for a Tea Party and Brandi comes in wearing the opposite in a dress displaying full rack of boobs, above the knee, and in a stretch white limo.
I love it.
As Kameron is insulting in her diary room commentary, Brandi is being nice and giving her a gift.

I don’t know why Kameron can’t just graciously accept the sparkly pink gift bag (and Jack Daniels – bet you anything Kameron won’t touch Jack with a ten foot pole) and move on.  Brandi didn’t need to do that and went out of her way to apologize and show she cared. Brandi isn’t concerned; she why Kameron’s the way she is….
“She needs to get laid, I bet she’s too tall.”  Ha!

D’Andra is an idiot naive for thinking this could go a certain way, and for thinking there would be peace at this Honest Tea. But I’m loving her shutting down the Crazy Carnie, so she can do wrong this episode.

Many things (and curse words, depsite D’Andra having a judges gavel)  are said : LeeAnne confronts Brandi about not being allowed in her home, Cary tells LeeAnne her plastic surgeon may be “triple board ceritified” but perhaps a vajajay doctor shouldn’t be operating on your face (uh, YATHINK?!), there are more discussions of Mark being gay (can this stick with Eddie or Mark and not both, it’s like back to back same story lines on Housewives!) and then the C-word comes out of Ms. Motivational Speak LeeAnne’s mouth and D’Andra loses all control of this Honest Tea.
I love when women I’m supposed to aspire to be like call their peers See You Next Tuesday’s, don’t you? I meannnnnnn she seriously cannot control herself. It’s nuts. 

…. we end with LeeAnne discussing her sad childhood again, I start cracking up because I think we all can recite the story and it’s just hilarious at this point how she just starts going into it over and over again to deflect from whatever is going on, and D’Andra literally not allowing it. I’m sorry D’Andra is the best thing to ever happen to LeeAnne.

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC :: 

The theme of this episode was boobs, so I was on board from minute one.  I had hoped it was a sign that it would be the best episode of the season (still… not saying much).

editors note : the only time my husband has noticed anything I’m
doing on my computer in months was glancing over and seeing this photo.

Kelly Dodd is going to be getting a breast reduction. She has had a lift (I think?) and implants to a size G.  But I think everyone knows her knockers are the biggest in OC Housewife history,
and her blue reunion dress last season proved it.
Kelly has her husband Michael (aka “Hitler” as she refers to him, not sarcastically) make a cast of her boobs out on the patio facing the beach for the world to see (and when there’s a camera crew and producers out on your deck, I’m sure that even less people notice what is going on, right?) . Seriously, why was this not done in the bathroom or something? Her husband was, like, really getting in there.  It was….. a lot.  Her neighbor was outside on the porch during part of it! Although that’s probably one of the least offensive things the neighbor has witnessed from these two.

Tamra gets wind that Vicky was once again spreading Gay-Eddie rumors and this time with Tamra’s former Man-Of-Honor, Ricky. Can we please retire this story line? For the love of gawd!
also, just so Ricky isn’t getting the satisfaction he clearly wants by being talked about?
also, Ricky, the fight is from not being invited to her Baptism? Trust me…. you missed nothing.
Vicki’s defense is that she isn’t spreading it, she was just talking about it.  You know, similar to “If I said someone got into a car accident it doesn’t mean I caused the car accident.”
What? Am I drunk? How does that even…… whatever who cares.

I’m happy Shannon has the restaurant to focus on (and thought the logo’s and brand designs all looked really cute – having it be with lemons especially!) but methinks she is using this as a big distraction from the real issues.  She is saying long before David and the Affair, she wanted this restaurant and goes on and on and on.  It’s called something to distract you but sure, let’s go with it.

We arrive at the “volleyball” party, although it really just a party to celebrate Kelly’s breast reduction.  I guess one last game of volleyball to feel the weight of her boobs and how uncomfortable jumping is??  Meghan was not invited, and pretends not to care, but with how much Meghan has been meddling this season and how he hormones are making her start screaming and crying at Lydia when they are on walks, ya know she cares.

I am living for these weekly highlights of Vicki’s outfits.  This week : some kind of awkward legging with ties.

I really don’t understand what Steve sees in Vicki (obviously) but more so because he tries to talk rationally to her about 7 times this episode.  Steve, who the hell do you think you are dating? Have you ever GOOGLED your girlfriend? Him calling her out on being consumed by Tamra after Vicki acts like she never thinks about her is hi-larious.

Of course, the whole party has to be about Lydia the “friend whisperer” getting Vicki and Tamra back together.  Vicki goes nuts, Tamra fake cries for the 4th time this episode, and then VIcki denies ever lying about anything. Ever. The fact that she can STILL deny ever lying about cancer (cue the tape) is beyond me and makes me insane.  Vicki “is not a lair. (She’s) on an ethics committee.  (She) doesn’t lie.” I really laugh at how she thinks she is defending herself. But at the end of the day, Vicki and Tamra deserve each other : they are both horrible people, so they might as well make up and be friends again.

Soon, Shannon joins.  Then Lydia.  Then Peggy.   Then yelling and separating.

Shannon, who made a point of saying to Vicki that she doesn’t affect her (after Vicki makes a point of bringing up that David beat’s her again), talks about how 35 pounds later it’s all because of Vicki.  Does she not affect you Shannon or are ya blaming it all on her? Pick a lane.  Shannon doesn’t want to make it about her, but immediately makes it about her. Lydia, unfortunately correctly, points out – doesn’t Shannon always make it about her?  And in case you’re a little on the fence about it, Shannon soon makes it about her when she won’t let a silly Peggy comment go.  And then, she even makes a boob job comment all about her and a huge ending to the party all about her with a crying hissy fit.   Good.  Gawd.

She is A MESS. I feel for her, but seriously, LOCK IT UP.  I believe she didn’t mean anything about Lydia and was unaware, but can you just spend one event not flipping out?! Just remain impartial and stay out of everyones shite?!

I’m guessing that Shannon is probably pretty upset after seeing this episode air because her BFF Tamra throws her under the bus about 7 times.  Saying she calls her 25 times a day, high maintenance, and not running to save her during everything that goes on later at Kelly’s house.

Shannon heals all by going to the bartender for some vodka and venting about her life to either 1) the bartender who isn’t listening or 2) just drinking and talking out loud to herself.  Either way, it was a great ending!

:: Kim Richards and Kingsley ::

I’m sure we all remember Kim and her terrifying dog Kingsley (and the dog trainer that nearly lost a limb when attempting to train him).  She doesn’t have the dog anymore, but is still paying for him – $59,000 in fact

:: Emmy’s :: 
I’m still laughing at this clip of Nicole Kidman trying to steal the Emmy out of Reese’s hands

:: Kevin Hart :: 
This Kevin Hart stuff is nuts.
…. however….. I will say that if you are the mistress that has the affair with a married man,
why do you think he won’t turn around and do the same thing to you?
????? Will never understand it.

:: Ben Affleck :: 
Speaking of cheaters…..

Ben Affleck went public with his girlfriend at The Emmy’s, also known as the long time girl he was cheating with.  And then right after, Jen Garner is there by his side for the sake of the family.

She is an angel.  And WOAH doe he look awful lately.

:: Scott Disick ::
Fresh off a psychiatric hold, Scott is shacking up with Nicole Richie’s little sister.

It just makes me think of how back in the day Kim was the assistant to Paris Hilton when Nicole and Paris were the stars of the reality world, and wondering what Nicole thinks of the whole thing?!
also, makes me just think EW.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 

Josh from Million Dollar Listing LA got married last weekend.  It was a star studded Bravo affair.

and I’ve seen some pretty amazing chuppahs at my friends wedding,
but wow – that full flowered dome is pretty insane.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
How did I never know this?!

My-boyfriend-andy-cohen had Dateline reporter Keith Morrison on this week and revealed that he is Matthew Perry’s stepdad since the 80’s!!!
He also had Keith Morrison just read a bunch of garbage in his voice and it was ah-mazing.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bachelor in Paradise ::

I’m very disappointed in myself that I was happy for this to be the final episode of BIP.   I’m exhausted.  I feel extreme shame and guilt over it – what has happened to me? It’s definitely not maturity… and I am totally close in age to these 24 year old girls, so I can’t possibly imagine what it is?

The ending is a little different this year, since it is pretty obvious that the only people actually into each other are Taylor and Derek (I had completely forgotten about Raven and Adam to be honest).
They are pretending that Lacey and Canadian Daniel are a couple though?  I just feel worse and worse for her with each passing episode of this show, and my comment from last week about her needing to read He’s Just Not That Into You  still stands.  Daniel is a loser and an ass; she needs to be RUNNING from this kid not obsessing over him.

Everyone except those 3 couples breaks up; some are obvious but a few are quite surprising.
Dean dumps D.Lo!
After playing Kristina and acting like he wanted D.Lo,
he says he in love with Kristina and misses her and then cries over Kristina?

Pretty sure he’s just crying because he realized his reputation is ruined.  Also pretty sure D.Lo couldn’t care less and just wanted more air-time/publicity because she has zero reaction and is basically just like “Mmkcoolbye.”
She walks off and we all see the HUGE BUTTERFLY TATTOS ON THE BACK OF HER ANKLES.   I meannnnnn. Obviously no opinion here… none.

Amanda (Baby Voice mother of children with gladiator sandals) dumps Social Media Influencer/Ken Doll Robby and it is AMAZING.  He makes me crazy.  He probably was ready to meet with Neil Lane and pick out a diamond ring, film solo shot of himself staring into the ocean and back at the ring, and ride this thing out as long as possible.

Scallop Fingers refuses to leave Paradise with Jack Stone and I fluctuate back and forth between feeling badly for him and wanting him to LOCK IT UP and quit asking 72 times to “leave holding hands, that’s all, just holding hands.” WTF does that even mean?

We find out about who is still a couple and who is not during the live studio session with Chris Harrison, but not before we bring out Corinne and DeMario ONE MORE TIME.

I am SO OVER this situation that I literally cannot even discuss any of it with words.  Done with it.

Dean has prepared for his witching hour and is brought to the stage to re-live his playboy love triangle with Kristina and D.Lo. He is crying, again, and seems so upset and hearfelt.  But right when I think and he thinks he’s clearing his name, D.Lo and Kristina expose that he reached out to BOTH of them after the show and was trying to flip flop AGAIN between both of them.  SERIOUSLY?!?!

Amanda and Robby reveal that they got back together outside the show, but that it ended up not working out in the end.  That nice little bit of closure explodes when the twins reveal the real reason they broke up is a photo of Robby possibly cheating.
Robby full on denies this and I kind of love that he is called out and that there is proof.

How can he say this is not proof?
Robby responded in a tweet with a lengthy social media attack that he begins by saying is not a social media attack.

to which I say……

Lacey reveals that Daniel lied to her face about falling for her, and she got completely played.  (No shite Sherlock!! Seriously where are this girls friends to tell her to snap out of it!?)

And then Daniel watches the entire recap of the date and what he said, and denies saying any of it. “What? I never said any of the things I just watched myself say?”

Raven and Adam are together and honestly they seem like the only normal couple to come out of all of this.  They’re just dating and not pretending like they’re soulmates after 8 days on a beach drinking their brains out, so, slow clap for you two.

Finally, Taylor and Derek.  Yawn.  Sorry, not sorry, but I really dislike Taylor.  Every moment of her this whole Paradise season was like nails on a blackboard.  She thinks she is so much better than these people, and news flash, you aren’t.
There is all kinds of awkward commentary about how important it is to Taylor to, basically, get naked in the fantasy suite.  Derek even goes so far as to verbally say that sex that night is very important to her.  Can literally nothing be off limits or left to the imagination on these shows now?  It drives me nuts that someone that acts like she is so mature will 1. Go on Bachelor in Paradise and 2. say things like “I took in all of Derek in the fantasy suite” and stare at the camera all giggly to reinforce her meaning.
You. are. dis. gus. ting.   This was me :

And then they get engaged.

And again…. this is me.

Can we please be done with the Canadian Daniel and Twins gimicks on this show next Paradise please? Can they be retired? I’m begging.  And Amanda.  Please.  No more.

editors note: One of the things that I realize has made me lose interest in this season, like I mentioned in the beginning: that I already knew that an engagement was happening and that Amanda and Robby had broken up.  It’s not as fun when everything is spoiled before you see it!

:: RH of Dallas :: 

It seems as though Kameron’s story line is not wavering and will be the exact same every week: constantly telling us she is a smart blonde despite acting dumb, and a never ending discussion of pink dog food.  Both of these are combined this week in her effort to pitch her dog food to her husband in hopes of him investing.

She makes a pink poster board (shocker) with random words on it like
Sparkle, Nutritionist, Chemist, Best ingredients, Woof.  Um…. What?

Cary and Stephanie join Brandi (and her two children that are just as wild as season one) in Memphis to visit her Grandpa.  Is no one going to the tell the man that just had a stroke to quit cooking up racks of ribs and drinking wine? No? No one?

Cary is just glad to be in Memphis and have a break from her husband, which leads to one of my pet peeves: When people on television are married and talk about all the sex they are having; and then even more so when they “complain” about how they do it nonstop.  It’s so awkward.  It’s like sooooo are you saying you have a great sex life with your husband or that it sucks that you have to constantly have sex with your husband and you hate it? Because either way GROSS! I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!

but I digress……

We don’t see D’Andra in a very good light this week.  She is very upset that her step-son that moved in with them still has not taken any steps to find a job or go back to school or further himself in life.  He decides he’s done living with them and wants to move back to South Carolina.  She kinda goes a little nuts…. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that there is probably more to this story than we know, but when her husband says “you scare me when you get mad” and she says she wants to pluck her stepsons eyes out and put them on the table I’m like Ummm Deep Breath D’Andra…. Deep breath…. let’s not go all “Sandpaper Death Threats” ala Crazy Carnie LeeAnne right now.  Also…. that was the calmest “upset” kid I have ever seen and I think D’Andra doesn’t realize how big of a $#*t those lazy millennia’s can be! She’s lucky! Oh I jest…. kind of? Not really…..

but seriously…. how was he not laughing in her face at what was on her head while she yelled at him? 

Much like LeeAnne herself, LeeAnne’s closet and extreme collection of thigh high (and sparkly thigh high boots) greatly alarmed me.

:: RH of OC ::
Meghan King Edmonds has a hormonal flip-out on a walk with Lydia when Lydia tried to say Meghan did the same thing as Kelly by asking if she was cheating on her husband.
I do agree that there is a difference between what Kelly did and what Meghan did, but not a difference so much that what Meghan did wasn’t wrong.  She did the same thing, Kelly’s was just a bit worse.

Was Peggy in this episode? Oh yes.
This time she pretended to not comprehend the phrase “does a bear shite in the woods?”

Shannon celebrates her birthday at home and reveals/claims that David has not held her hand in months. can’t handle her story lines…. they are so sad!!!
 David makes the situation better the same way he always does: by not making it better and instead just staring blankly and slowly saying a few words in a deep midwest accent.  And then they both do what they always do which makes me so uncomfortable I squirm on my sofa: discuss their marital issues at length in front of their young daughters, this time in the prayer before dinner.

Vicki celebrates her birthday with a party at her house, and wants all of the attention so badly that she requests the guests wear black and white and she will arrive in red. Apparently she thinks she is Oprah.

Watching her walk out onto the patio and have no one turn
and acknowledge her was the highlight of my night.
Also, this dress is not flattering in the slightest. 

Are we really still talking about the Eddie being gay rumor? Is this really the best Vicki can come up with? Getting Tamra’s former Man-of-Honor at her wedding to be like “uh, yeah, I saw him kissing a dude”.
This dude is as hungry for air time as Gretchen and Slade.  (I laughed when I saw that Gretchen was described as “Vicki’s Friend” and Slade as “Gretchen’s Fiance”.  I feel like it’s been 10 years since those two “got engaged”.  The rumor of it being a story-line for the show to save her spot on the cast, with no real intention of marriage, is clearly completely true).

:: WWHL : LuAnn One on One and NEW Developments ::

Similar to BIP Scandal with Corinne and DeMario, I feel like I got nothin’.
Nothin’. No new news, nothing interesting, nothing.
I enjoyed my-boyfriend-andy-cohen’s dramatic intro though!.

and in more important recent news……
TOM IS APPARENTLY ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE? 
and she is wearing a nearly identical yellow canary ring to LuAnn’s?
WHAT IS GOING ON? And what is wrong with these women!?
Lu’s ring at the top, the other woman’s at the bottom:

:: Mazel of the Week ::
I’m sure most of you watched Trading Spaces when you were younger, the design show on TLC where neighbors swapped houses and redid a room on a budget.

It was definitely one of the first hit design shows and aired from 2000 to 2008.  They are bringing it back, and almost every single person that was on the original is coming back with it!

:: Jackhole of the Week :: 

I like to keep everything on The Sarcastic Blonde as lighthearted and meaningless as possible.  I try to never talk about anything real world or heavy duty because I like it as an escape from daily life, and especially from the heavy and horrible things that occur.  But goodness, there’s been so much lately that it has been hard not discussing it.  Especially with 9/11 falling this week at the same time as Irma and immediately following Harvey it was such a heavy, heavy week.
I just feel the need to say that of course I am sending thoughts and prayers (and donations) to those in Texas, Florida, and more who are going through so much with the Hurricanes.
I don’t like using this platform to preach (except to PAH-REACH if you know what I mean) so I try to keep quiet about real life, but this week was such a doozy for everyone.  It’s always amazing to see everyone come together in these times though, even when life feel so divided at others.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bachelor in Paradise :: 

I’m trying really hard to be into this…. because in seasons past it has been hands down the best sheyite show of summer…. but I must be losing my edge or something because every week I FORGET that I have to watch this TWO nights in a row and I am devastated that there is MORE coming at me on Tuesday when I finish watching Monday.

another week, another complaint from me about ABC taking up all my damn TV time.

Is it that the people are just not at all as enjoyable as seasons past? Is it the losers with the bad “nicknames” that are Rachel’s rejects that are ruining it? What is it?! Or are we all just thrown off from the hiatus? Because with the hiatus they got 10 days together off camera, so everything is all sort of a bunch of nonsense?
How many questions can I ask about this? And really, who cares? 

The Dean + Kristina + D.Lo love triangle continues.
Dean’s excuse for making out with D. Lo in front of Kristina is “I didn’t know you were there….I would never blatantly disrespect you.” So seeing it is what is wrong? Not the act of doing it?
And leading her on the whole show and everything you’ve done everyday so far isn’t blatant disrespect?

Every time one of Rachel’s Cast-Off’s enters Paradise it gets worse and worse.

Now it’s the guy that argued with Whaboom.  Ughhh.  Seeing them all back to back makes you really realize what slim pickin’s Rachel had (and why she never should have sent home Peter! Peter was the clear hottie!)

No one wants to go on a date with Blake.  Kristina even takes it so far as to say “When I was in the orphanage all I wanted was to get picked….”  I mean really?! We are comparing Blake picking you for a date to the orphanage? Yikes.

Jack Stone is accused of being a bad kisser, but somehow this ends up being the best thing that ever happened to him.  All the girls want to know, so he gets the time of his life making out with everyone in sight, and they all declare him a great kisser.
seriously….. these girls!?! 

Scallop fingers learns about being called Scallop Fingers and is understandably very confused.  As you know, I find the Scallop Shenanigans mean and hurtful, but somehow it leads to 3 men fighting over her and therefore 3 awkward make outs…..
these peoples tongues! they are EVERYWHERE! Practically up nostrils or something

Kristina finally comes to her senses about Dean (slash Dean picks D. Lo) and decides to go home, and gets into a fight with Raven somehow in the process.  Raven is just trying to talk some sense into her that she needs to be blaming DEAN not the “Other Woman” but Kristina is having nothing to do with it.
Dean has lost all of America’s love and has no idea the sheyite storm he has created by playing games with the beloved Russian Orphan.

If it were time for Bachelorette and not Bachelor,  I think Kristina would be a shoe-in at this point.  and at this point, who knows what they will do, because I saw this on instagram and if this is true I will lose my mind.

Ben Z also decides to leave…. he missed his dog. Thank Gawd that story line is over.

The twins come in for night two, and the only redeeming factor of all of this is them basically trashing everyone and then no one wanting to go on a date with them.

They wanted Dean and Derek, who are coupled up, but seriously Dean came THIS CLOSE to saying yes.  It took him half the episode to say no, and it was only because he had gone through A LOT the last 24 hours saying no to Kristina and picking D.Lo.  Poor Dean…. what a rough go of it he thinks he’s having in paradise! Little does he know what life will be like when this airs!
The twins are rightfully pissed because they realize that everyone on this beach is a loser…. even by Bachelor standards.  They don’t have two brain cells between the two of them and they are smart enough to recognize some bad seeds when they see them.  They basically say “I’m not touching tickle monster, a serial killer, a penguin, or whoever the hell else is on this beach with a 10 foot pole. This sucks. We’re out.”

I paraphrased, but really, that’s pretty much it.

UPDATE  :: THE NEW BACHELOR IS ANNOUNCED

:: Big Brother :: 
I’m sorry I haven’t shared my BB thoughts lately!
Truly if Paul does not win this game I will be shocked (although he didn’t win last season….)
He is playing THE BEST game ever.  It’s unreal what he has been able to do, when he had the biggest target on his back from the second he walked in there.
This game always amazes me – and my opinions change about people as the season goes on.  I couldn’t stand Paul last season at the beginning (remember he had joined with the ‘Messiah’ guy right off the bat?) but then I grew to love him.  This season I did not like Josh at all in the beginning, and now I love Josh and his pan banging antics.

Oh, and Raven is just weird. Very weird. And annoying.
But thank GAWD this guy is out.

:: RHOC ::

We ended last week with what seemed like peace between Shannon and Kelly.  Well, the love fest between Kelly and Shannon is going to be short lived, because 3 minutes into the episode Kelly says that she caught Shannon trying to record their conversation on her cell phone.

Kelly tells Meghan King Edmonds about it and Meghan immediately calls Shannon to tell her.  Shannon denies all wrongdoing and says she never taped her.

Meghan King Edmonds has decided she is going to be the pot-stirrer this season and repeat everything to everyone and just constantly bring up things that people did in the past.  I think she came real close to losing her spot on the cast and so now she is trying to solidify it.  She may think she’s still being the detective, but I think it’s just straight pot stirring and gossip and then (fakely) apologizing for repeating it.  Thoughts?

Peggy majored in….. English ? No. This cannot be true.  This makes absolutely no sense.

Peggy is also trying very hard to prove that she is rich.  She is constantly discussing money and what things cost.  Careful Pegs, all this money talk has not worked out well in the past for Teresa or for Ms. $25,000 sunglasses.

Vicki is on the same crazy train as fellow housewife LeeAnne Locken where she continues to pretend like she is sane and kind hearted.  Meghan is at lunch with Vicki, and this time Meghan decides to stir up the beef between Shannon and Vicki and the allegations of domestic abuse with David.

Vicki exclaims “Why would I ever want to hurt her? I don’t want to do that”, but then goes on to talk on camera about how she has all of the texts and pictures to prove the abuse happened.
But don’t tell! Or repeat it!  That would be wrong! And VIcki’s not doing that anymore!
Why do people on reality shows, with a camera crew in their face, always have full conversations and insist they are kept a secret? It drives me crazy.  

Vicki decides to continue to display her lunacy over dinner with her boyfriend Steve.  You know, Steve.  The boyfriend of a few months that is in her intro with her children and grandchildren as though he is a member of the family.  Every single scene of Vicki in a relationship – wether it’s Steve or Brooks or anyone – makes me so awkward.  She is always so desperate and controlling.  She is talking to Steve about them buying a boat (aka Vicki wants a boat and she will pay for it and pick it out) and doing things “as a family”.  News flash Vicki – Steve is not your family.  Then she wants to let all of America in on her sex life!  “Steve satisfies me physically…. he knows how I want it….. and four times a day hehehe”
I can’t.  What’s next, discussing ‘the big-O’ ala Raven from The Bachelor?

But she even tops that to end their dinner scene : 
They are cheers’ing/clinking their wine glasses and…….
Vicki: “Cheers, Will you Marry Me?”
Steve : “What?”
Vicki : “Nothing?”
…. I Mean, SERIOUSLY?

Tamra and the gang go to the drag bar, dressed as men (I do love Shannon’s enthusiasm for costumes), and Tamra brings the Psychic to get someone else to do her dirty work for her.  This is the same psychic that correctly said something was fishy about Brooks having cancer.  Then of course drama with Kelly ensues and the moment of everyone being friends is over.

The redeeming moment of next weeks previews: Vicki walking out into the backyard for her birthday party thinking she is making some grand entrance and NO ONE is looking at her or even notices.
Is it bad to laugh extremely hard at Vicki’s expense, like no one paying attention to her when she walks out or the producers cruelly zooming in on her waddling into a party, because you feel like she deserves it? Asking for a friend…..

We’re 9 episodes in and this was the most exciting moment Lydia has given us yet.

I am dying laughing all over again just looking at these pictures of her.  The hat is literally bigger than her head.
(it has been 9 freaking episodes?? Because NADA has happened in 9 episodes.  Nothin’. Zilch.)

:: Royal News ::

I know everyone is all about the news of Baby #3 for Kate, but I think bigger news for me was realizing what Pippa actually did for work.  Apparently she has a publishing company?? And now it is quietly being shut down.  Reading about what her and her brother have been up to for work since Kate married William was new (and interesting!) knowledge to me.

:: RHOD :: 

Travis and Stephanie meet with a designer at the hideous new house (with a swimming pool in the foyer and the “great view” of a road+condos+offices) that he bought without her consent to discuss design plans.  We knew before this that 1. Travis was controlling and 2. He has awful taste .  With the controlling thing, you could tell all last season that he treats his wife as less-than and that he basically believes that because he makes the money, he calls the shots.  But still, I was shocked that when Stephanie is trying to shut down an awful design idea he actually blatantly says – and in front of the designer – “Well I’m the one making the money, so.”
I. can’t. stand. him.

D’Andra criticizes LeeAnne for her behavior towards Stephanie on Halloween and it’s wonderful seeing someone try to really hand it to her.  It’s almost as though the more D’Andra points out how inappropriate her behavior is, the happier she is getting.  Out comes that Crazy Carnie she keeps trying to pretend is no more!!!
side note : LeeAnne is crazy, but Stephanie awarding Kameron “best costume” is definitely not helping change the opinion of her being a social climber.  Kameron was barely even in a costume!?

But, that aside, LeeAnne proves week after week that not one bit of her has changed. 
“That anger that they saw was just one facet of the diamond. Because I sparkle, honey,”
Cutesy Southern phrases like that do not make you a changed woman nor do they tie up the death threats with sandpaper or just mean gossiping into a nice little package for everyone to forget.

I was, however, shocked to hear LeeAnne give a speech without making it all about her.  So shocked that I feel like it was edited….. I can still remember her somehow making the AIDS charity event all about her last season.

I had forgotten about this terrifying (and foul mouthed) Heidi woman. First we are reminded of how she treated Cary last season, then we have her introducing LeeAnne at the benefit!  If LeeAnne and Heidi are the belle’s of the charity-world, Dallas has some serious issues.  These are two of the meanest, hate filled people ever.  In case you didn’t watch last season (you are doing yourself a disservice – it’s worth it), Heidi asked Cary to deep throat a hot dog at her house in an attempt to shame her (presumably about her possible affair when she and Mark got together).  I have a hard time even looking at Heidi.

DEE! The 7th Housewife! If Dee does not get an appearance every single episode, I will boycott this show.

Everytime I start to think I have figured out that face of hers, I am proven wrong.  I keep thinking that it’s just the heavy liquid liner making her eyes look a little wonky, not that one is bigger than the other or something else, and then we get a brief shot closer up and I’m like NOPE there’s that right eye.

Stephanie and Brandi being friends again warms my heart for many reasons, but mostly because we get to see scenes of them throwing back huge (and I mean huge) tequila shots and Brandi doing a pretty spot-on impression of Kameron.

At Cary’s house, Brandi invites the girls on a trip to Memphis while Kameron is standing there and is blatantly not invited.

When Kameron tries to call her out on it, Brandi basically just stares, which really cracked me up.  And then when she cracks a joke about doing it on purpose, Kameron believes her.  The more Kameron talks, and when she goes to discuss it with Court (who clearly gives zero effs) the more I am sticking to my belief that this girl is not as smart as the other girls keep saying she is.

PS.  That Lemur terrified me.  And I feel like the word Lemur was said, unnecessarily, at least 10 times.

:: BELOW DECK :: 

The new season is back!!!
I don’t understand how there’s all these new people working on the boat that seem as though they have never stepped foot on a boat.  The first day on the boat is a total mess.  The Bachelor Twins could honestly have probably done a better job than these idiots

The new girl that always looks terrified, doesn’t know not to put on her dress whites for breakfast, and is somehow on the boat working despite having an eight year old daughter, looks just like Tiffany from seasons past.

they have like the exact same thin nose or something?

BELOW DECK — Pictured: Jen Howell — (Photo by: Virginia Sherwood/Bravo)

:: WWHL ::
Whaaaaattt the heck is up with Danielle Staub’s implants?!

I mean…… look at her!!!

I am not ready for Jersey to be back.  I had taken a break from it for a couple of years, and then I started watching again last year when Teresa came out of jail.  It’s just SO much drama and arguing that it exhausts me.  That’s also why I do not watch Atlanta.
But then I think about RHONJ and gems like “prostitution whore” and table flipping with no sign of Teresa’s forehead in sight with that hairline…….

and I feel like I must give it a good old Bravo try…… after all, I’m no quitter.

:: Jackhole of the Week :: 

Deanie Babies trying to do damage control for his reputation and act like he’s a good guy with his latest instagram, captioned “You were out on my league”

OH PUH-LEASE!!!
You literally said, AND I QUOTE,

“Kristina’s so much more interesting and perceptive and smart…..but D-Lo’s just so effin’ hot.”
You are on every girls sh*t list Deanie Babies.

:: Mazel of the Week ::

My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen has his duplex apartment in NYC  in the October issue of Elle Decor. It’s not my style, but an amazing NYC apartment none the less an worth a glimpse over on The Zhush!
If you read his second Diary of Andy Cohen book he talked about this apartment a lot so it’s fun to see!

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.