DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bachelor in Paradise :: 

I somehow forgot AGAIN that this show is 2 nights a week for two hours, and I hunkered down Tuesday night to watch it and realized an additional 2 hours were taping. I wouldn’t complain (yes I would, who am I kidding), except so much of it is BS recaps and “Coming up” and Chris Harrison “taking a look back.”  WE KNOW CHRIS HARRISON.  IT’S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS.  It’s not rocket science to recall who is sleeping with whom!
but I digress…….
As I mentioned previously, Jasmine and her “choking Nick” was only the tip of the ice-berg with her Crazy and she keeps proudly showing it off week after week.  The Jasmine and Christen drama over Matt is ridiculous. And as stupid as it sounds, I think the “scallop fingers” joke about Kristin is being taken too far with the giggling about her behind her back/directly to her face. A one off comment is fine, but it seemed like they all were “mean girl’ing” her, which honestly isn’t surprising since the maturity level of this crew is likely that of high school girls.

Robby takes his douchery to the next level by speaking in third person:  “Robby might lean in for that kiss!”
I don’t know what is worse, his hair or what comes out of his mouth.
Editors note: I feel like Robby must be furious about how little air time he is getting.
Not very good for a Social Media Influencer! 

There’s trouble in paradise for Derek and Taylor, the couple that is for sure being bribed and manipulated within an inch of their life to get engaged because they’re the only real prospect so far.

Derek says “F you” to Taylor, and you can bet someone with as much EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (Drink!) as Taylor is never gonna let that fly! I mean…. and she shouldn’t…. but still.  She did seem to drag it on and pout as much as possible for 24 hours instead of being EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT and just having the conversation.  Sorry not sorry, but I just can’t stand Taylor.

Matt decides to really screw Jasmine and Christen over by – surprise! – just up and leaving.  They are crushed for all of two seconds before they both immediately go after Jack Stone for his rose.  Christen kissing him was superrrrrrrr nasty to watch; not only was he not leaning in for a kiss and she pounced, but they were missing each others mouths while trying to eat each others faces.  One of the worst kisses I’ve seen on TV in awhile, which is really saying something.

Daniel is back. With Canadian Bacon jokes and all.

He is not impressed with the “scraps” remaining and literally says it straight to Lacey’s face as she is hurling herself at him.  Poor Lacey.  She reminds me of Ginnifer Goodwin is He’s Just Not That Into You.  So sweet and clueless and bad at playing this Bachelor game.  Someone needs to get her a copy of that book stat.

DEAN. Ohhh Dean.  Life was great for Dean post Rachel’s-Season-of-Bachelorette. Everyone loved little Dean! But now…. now he’s gone and become the Player of Paradise.  And to sweet Kristina!

He is just playing both of them because he knows Kristina is the “right” choice but, sigh, HE’S A MAN (to be read in the tone of my mother Nance Pants whenever a man thinks with his Pants).   So, shocker, Dean is distracted by the T&A and overt sexyness of Danielle. What’s a man to do!!??
I believe his exact words were “D Lo will never be as in to me as Kristina is.  Kristina is the right option, but D Lo is the more exciting option…”
in normal words, that means his mind says Kristina, but his penis says D.Lo. 
cue R. Kelly music….

Dean decides the best decision is to spend the night and wake up with Kristina, and then that day make out and hump in the pool with D. Lo.
cue: R.Kelly again with “I don’t see nothing wrong… with a little bit of bump and grind.”

editors note: Sorry. I can’t help myself. This is sadly what my spastic brain does; immediately playing an R Kelly song in my head or, more often, a Will & Grace scene. 

But wait. Did Kristina really say she’d rather be back at the orphanage over this!? WHAT!?

SIDE NOTE: What is going on with these puppets? Who started this?
But according to my research, Wells and all of his camera time is a test run for the next Bachelor…. 

Another man from Rachel’s season with a lame intro enters paradise. “They’ll all immediately recognize me as the Tickle Monster”.  But apparently I am misinformed because he is a doctor and they all seem to be raving about him.   Only in the Bachelor franchise is your profession of being a Doctor completely overlooked and instead your job title every time you are shown on TV under your name is “Tickle Monster.”

We now have an hour of recaps with Chris Harrison and commentary from contestants sitting on chairs.  BUT WAIT….. Matt looks really hot in this studio interview with Jasmine.  He never looked this good before!?

We FIN-A-LEE get to Corrine’s interview.
I feel like I don’t even want to comment on the Corinne interview because, AGAIN, we get NOTHING from this huge drawn out event.  (I do feel like they really skipped over her calling herself a victim and lawyering up and acting like she was going to go after ABC or Demario). 

I don’t blame Corinne.  I don’t blame DeMario.  I feel bad for both of them.  But I do blame ABC.  If this isn’t proof that the show UnReal is more legitimately based on these awful producers on this show than I don’t know what is.  They don’t give an eff.  It’s like they wanted to use these two people to destroy them in the media all for more publicity?! I’ve never seen so much coverage on something without EVER ACTUALLY SAYING ANYTHING.

I am SO ANNOYED.  If my CAPS LOCK didn’t display it enough. CAPS. FREAKING. LOCK. I don’t care that they aren’t actually saying what happened, that is fine, keep it private to protect the people involved. But do not have us watch hours upon hours of you discussing it and interviewing people to NOT DISCUSS IT.

I know you’re prob thinking that recap for BIP was a lot, but I left out about 75 % of what happened/who went home/who’s making out.  There’s just so much! I hate this show yet I love it so so much.

:: RHOD :: 

Kameron’s tagline intro alone just kills me every week.
“Dumb blondes get noticed.  Smart blondes get everything”
In that voice!

How does she talk like that? How does her husband handle her?

Stephanie is planning a Halloween party – her favorite Holiday ever.  Her planner suggests the theme “Bad Romance” which I kind of scoff at, but then I realize it is GENIUS once I see the Monica and Bill costume idea and think of how many great costumes could come from this.
editors note : How do I know this party planner, Rachel? Because I know her.  You all are great at this usually. Do I just know her from Stephanie’s previous parties last season? 

We finally, finally have a sit down between Brandi and Stephanie! I really don’t know why I am so attached to them and this friendship but I am.  Like I cried.  Someone send help. ASAP.
I still don’t understand why Brandi didn’t say months ago that what bothered her was Stephanie’s blog/marital comments. This is so sad and silly that they went this long fighting because they clearly love each other so much.  Again…. someone send help. I am way too emotionally invested with this nonsense.
If Carnie Crazy Face breaks this friendship up, like we know she is going to try to, I will lose it!

Speaking of Carnie Crazy, LeeAnne Locken goes to see her therapist and tells her that she is dressing as Stephanie -aka- “Two Face” for Halloween.

When her therapist says the costume is a bad idea, and that’s not who she really is, I’m thinking, UM yes it is? That behavior and pot-stirring mean girl shade is exactly who she is.

We arrive at Stephanie’s Halloween Party.  And WOWZA does Cary make an entrance! She is wearing nothing but tiger body paint and a scarf to cover her nipples.

I feel like under no circumstances would this ever be appropriate for a party at someones home, unless it is the Playboy Mansion, but she does have one banging bod.  But still… the square in me is jaw on the floor.

LeeAnne just cannot believe that no understands her costume!!!  Leave it to Cary’s husband Mark to figure it out over a bracelet! She holds up a bedazzled wrist, mimicking the bracelet Travis gave Stephanie, and that Mark sure knows his jewels when he sees ’em!

We get a cameo from Tiffany, who was on last season, married to wannabe Keith Urban.

LeeAnne wastes no time in trying to continue to drive a wedge between Stephanie and Brandi while acting like she is all for Brandi being happy.   D’Andra is correct in saying that the costume and everything LeeAnne is doing is to test Brandi.  And then LeeAnne even verbally confirms it when she says to Brandi that she is concerned that if Stephanie and her become friends again that it will be everyone against LeeAnne.

:: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders :: 
i just love this show .  If you aren’t watching, you should be.  BUT even more important than the show are the two former cheerleaders I’ve been chatting about: Brandi from Dallas Housewives and Jasmine from Bachelor/BIP. Brandi was already gone when the show started, but I remember Jasmine and she was definitely different than she is now!
I wonder more than anything what Kelly and all of the head people at DCC think of Brandi and Jasmine.  They are SO strict with the girls about any missteps in what they say or do publicly, and these girls are definitely doing everything that would make them squirm!

:: Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky ::

I haven’t had time to consume this – my apologies – but I got about 10 minutes in to episode one and heard this: Brittany’s mom is on her 4th Husband.  Whaaaaatttt?! I now am starting to see how Brittany can be with such a scum-bag like Jax

And then right before I stopped watching I saw a shot of the food at the table and ERMAHGERD that was the best looking spread I have ever seen.  For dinner? Quite disgusting and weird.  For a drunken tailgate or house party or something? Amazing! I wanted it ALL!

:: RHOC :: 

Sigh.  It’s not good.  It’s really pretty awful.  Feel free to skip this entirely because if you watched the show you know I’m just grasping at straws to find something to discuss.
editors note : Peggy “what is grasp at straw? what straw? are you drinking?”

Peggy and Shannon go to lunch and I agree with Shannon that I am a little confused yet who cares about Peggy and her double mastectomy.  Her story is a bit confusing with being negative for the gene and then I got lost, but still, good for Peggy for doing whatever she can to be preventative.  You can tell Shannon is dying inside to not dive into this more and interrogate.

Peggy and Dino go to dinner and her strange behavior is out in full force.  She tells Dino to “Do Butterfly”.

When the waitress comes up he claps his hands in front of his face and claps them really quickly, like a butterfly?  And then she just tells the waitress he is doing a butterfly? And he “learned to do it from his friend”

WHAT? Ok really…. what is going on here….. what am I watching?  Am I on the Truman Show? Is the joke on me that I am sitting here watching this and then typing COMMENTARY on “Do Butterfly?”

The producers continue to have no shame! (and in this case, I appreciate it).  Last week we had a full shot of Vicki waddling into a party, and this week we have a full unnecessary shot of her waddling down the street in heels and a wayyyyyy too short dress/skirt.

VIcki is getting her aura read, and the person tells her all of it is good and happy. She goes on and on about of course it is because her love tank is FULL! Oh please.

Half of this episode becomes about the Spartan Race: Shannon upset with David and his working out taking so much time away from the family, Lydia thinking her son is a prophet and having premonitions about the Spartan Racem Tamra continuing to think she is the hottest thing since sliced bread.
Tamra is shocked that Shannon wouldn’t come to watch David.  Umm… I think she is the smartest one there because I, too, couldn’t. care. less. 

But we learn an additional reason why Shannon is smart enough to not attend:  she’s day drinking for St Paddy’s Day!!! Thatta girl!

I said it last season and I’ll say it again. Say what you want about Meghan King Edmonds, but she is constantly the voice of reason.  This week : “Vicki’s MO is to have one person in the group to do her dirty work.” YES.

I think this make up session with Kelly and Shannon is short lived….. but I’m still shocked it even happened!

Question: There was a Kelly moment and I couldn’t tell if it was her being an idiot (again) or if I am misunderstanding what she is saying?

There’s a moment where Kelly in her confessionals is says “Yeah right” about Shannon being strong and opionated.  So she says “yeah right!?” and then  “is the pope catholic!?” Um…. because what I am hearing with the Pope reference is  yes you think she’s strong and opinionated, but I think you are meaning to say the opposite.
and me trying to explain that made no sense but hopefully if you watched you know! 

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
I don’t know if you’ve seen these Katie Ryan/Ava Ryan videos yet, but I saw a few clips on instagram and now I am starting to take a dive.

Why couldn’t I have been this hilarious at 7 years old?

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
I channeled my inner Jeff Lewis Photobombing skills at the Lake last weekend when Kip fell asleep…..
not my best work, but it I tried…..

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bachelor in Paradise :: 

Random thought from last week that I had meant to share:
How was Jade pregnant and able to go to Mexico to be a bridesmaid in Evan + Carly’s wedding??
Mexico is one of the #1 places off limits, isn’t it?  Am I missing something?
Because I know a lot of ladies that would love to hop on a plane to an all inclusive resort in Mexico
but have been told it’s not allowed?

but…. I digress…..

Every time a new person enters paradise and they remind us “how we might remember them” I either

A. want to crawl into a hole for them or
B. remember why Rachel’s season could not have been more boring for the first 5 weeks.
“You might remember me as the one with a doll….”

Seriously?? No.  We don’t.  Not at all.  And that should be a good thing because you’re getting a second chance now so don’t remind us you were the creep with the mannequin!

At least Adam/Mannequin guy has Lacey there to take the cake for the intro.
“You might remember me as the girl that rode in on a camel”… um…. No.

Taylor and Derek bother me.  Mostly because I really liked Derek on his season, and I am really really not into Taylor.  I’m sure she is lovely in real life (and blah blah).  But if I’m honest, I’m sure none of these people are lovely in real life.  But Taylor really went above and beyond on Nick’s season.  She acts like her career as a mental health counselor is just EVERYTHING and how dare someone try to ruin her name publicly (i.e. Corrinne and their battles). And then 1. you go on the Bachelor. Enough Said.  2. You make an ass out of yourself on the Bachelor and 3. You now have nothing but time to come to Paradise and get it on with cameras watching.
I meannnnn I know people can do more than one thing…. But being a Bachelor in Paradise contestant and Mental Health Counselor don’t seem like they go hand in hand.  Unless you are spending your time counseling everyone there.  At least everyone else there owns the unemployment with job titles like “Dolphin Lover” and “Model”.

Adam decides to give his date card to, who else, Raven!! as she is mid stuffing her face with a giant spoonful of food.  These men really have a thing for Raven. (cough: insert inappropriate joke about how there’s no pressure to perform because she’s never…. ya know…. so they think she’s a safe bet)

Robby goes straight from Raven to hitting on Amanda (baby-voice-with-two-gladiator-sandals-girls) .  Robby is concerned to go after her because his “bud” (Sweaty Josh) was engaged to her. But not concerned enough to not try to kiss her while sweating uncontrollably and not having spent any one-on-one time together.
In his defense….. he clearly knows the sweaty look does not deter her….

A rose ceremony finally happens. Praise the Lord.
Vinny’s departure was the best ever and made me want him to come back immediately.

A new girl arrives : Danielle.  Or “D. Lo” as they keep calling her.
I can’t with her in general, but HER CONSTANT LAUGH. I just can’t.

Danielle bee lines it for Dean, who in case you are lost, is supposed to still be in love with Kristina the orphan from Russia because they both have had a rough family life.  D.Lo and Dean go on a date.  She laughs.  I roll my eyes.  They have an awfully awkward kiss. The end.

Dean is stunned that Kristina is upset and says that  “she lets her emotions get the best of her.” Well, yeah, you just spent 10 days together on hiatus and she’s watching the two of you come back in the house all giddy!
And just like that…. Sweet little Baby Dean is no longer the object of America’s affection. Especially after he brought a half-birthday cake down to D. Lo. Because half birthdays 100% need to be celebrated.

ps. I love how much clearly went on between people when production was shut down and no one is hiding it.
Every new person that arrives had just hooked up with someone during the shut down!? 

Monday night’s episode ends with Shark/Dolphin Girl crying over two freshly made pizzas being
spilled in the sand in  by none other than ‘D.Lo’. UGH.  D.Lo!!!!
Can we discuss how annoying that nickname is? And that no one smiles that much? except Kayla…. and we all know she couldn’t be trusted either?
But back to the the spilt pizza: I’m with Dolphin…. we need to focus on what’s important here. That pizza completely deserved tears.

Tuesday night there’s more crying from Kristina, awkward dates with Lacey, more fighting over men, a new girl coming in, but it’s all really just leading up to DeMario’s sit down.
Oh, and Ben Z really needs to lay off the dog talk.

At first I thought the dog talk was just a fake/produced moment, but now it is past the point of seeming produced and just seems creepy.

We finally get a sit down with DeMario (FINALLY), but the sit down with Corinne isn’t until next week.

I feel like ABC/Production should really be ashamed of themselves for milking it the way that they have.  If this was something that was actually concerning to them, wouldn’t you try to lock it up and set the record straight right away? Not continue for 3 weeks in a row, 4 hours per week, with episodes discussing it?
I did feel really bad for DeMario and was glad everyone stuck up for him.  Those tears were legitimate.

:: RHONY Reunion Part II ::
I wish I could recap reunion part II for NY but my eyes are closing as I type so it would be more like this than actual words :

so instead, allow a few favorite gifs of the night, and one of my-boyfriend-andy-cohens face to come in part III, summarize the ladies.
And the boobs were even more distracting last night than part I – I couldn’t look away from Sonja + Ramona’s rack whenever they were in camera shot.

:: RHOD ::

Bless Dallas.  OC is giving me nothing, and with New York ending, this is all that I have.
Kameron, the new girl who is obsessed with pink and confuses us about how old she actually is, continues her “super smart” commentary.  I couldn’t handle her with her kids and the Spanish teacher.

“Romy is the most sought after Spanish Teacher in all of Dallas”  Your kids are 3 and 6? THREE AND SIX? And need a highly sought after tutor?
But they need to be “trilingual” of course.

I don’t care how smart Kameron is, or how obsessed with pink she is, or even that she actually thinks pink dog food is something to throw millions of her husbands money away on. Her intonation/cadence and just everything about when she opens her mouth is like she is TRYING to seem stupid.  It’s like she wants people to think she isn’t smart, even though she is? Why would you want people to think you are dumb?

Stephanie meets with her life coach and is still at the point of sobbing the second Brandi’s name comes up.  I feel so bad for her.  Mostly because now all she has is Travis…. woof.

Travis takes Stephanie to see some (hideous) house that he wants them to move into.  Apparently, he has picked out every home they have ever been in, and Stephanie has never had a say in it.
link to the house here – thanks Judy!
Um. Ex-CUSE me!?  No wonder this woman is in tears with losing her sister/wife. 
I’m as shocked by the realtor (and her 7 combined accents?) as I am about the house…. this house is absolutely awful and this realtor needs a reality check. The realtor leads them around and Stephanie only sounds excited about one set of drapes hanging in a bedroom.

Towards the end of the tour, the realtor exclaims “you can enjoy this ah-mazing view from your steam room!”  Um. I see two gigantic office buildings – and a fair amount of cars driving.  So please explain how this steam room has the 8 million dollar view?

I mean?!? WOW.  What a stunning view!?

Listening to Travis exclaim how amazing the pool in the entry way/living room is, and every other awful detail, is proof that men should never be allowed to pick out a home (and also that money can’t buy you good taste…..or class.)

We later see Travis come home saying he put a bid in for the house without every telling her. And, SURPRISE, they got the house! I meannnnn.  I want to pull a LeeAnne Locken on this man.  I’m beside myself that a man would do this.

Mark, Cary’s husband, is a top style finalist of the year for a Style Maker Award.  Shocker!

But in more exciting news, DEE IS BACK!

We’re gifted another awkward mother-daughter moment between her and D’Andra when she returns from some kind of impromptu trip.  We learn a little more about Dee and her company, but most importantly we see lots of flashback photos of Dee and we also learn that apparently they do the majority of their sales on Christian TV. And SOLELY that.  We’re in Texas now!  I’m all for Christian TV Dee, but take some notes from your daughter and simmer down, because marketing, a new website, and social media is necessary.

editors note : So I obviously (am a creep) and went to the Ultimate Living website to check out the goods, and then immediately went to find the Ultimate Living Instagram.  Looks like even with the show the instagram is struggling, but 

There is a dog halloween costume contest and for some reason it is decided that the contest is when Stephanie and Brandi should talk.  This is a horrible idea.  Get together just the two of you!! Away from The Crazy Carnie!
….. and whattaya know? Crazy Carnie LeeAnne Locken gets going and makes it somehow about her and is nuts towards Stephanie.
I still don’t get by Brandi turned to LeeAnne after the fallout with Stephanie, but I’m sure if she hadn’t, they would have made up months ago!

:: Flipping Out :: 

IT’S BACK! I love my Jeff Lewis and crew so much.  It’s not a show I generally “recap” because there’s nothing really to discuss except how freaking hilarious he is.  The most mundane moments become pure gold.  When he is driving in the car and discussing the name of the baby with his Grandma Patty, I laugh my ass off.  When they just shout questions at Gage through a wall, I laugh my head off.  When his client says “I realize you’re just a big softie in the end” and he cracks ” Sure, we’ll go with that”  I just giggle my ass off.  When he laughs, I laugh so freaking hard.

:: RHOC :: 

I am tempted to stop watching this show entirely
(…. tempted…. but never gonna happen….) 

On the heels of the drama with Tamra’s daughter Sydney asking her to not discuss her on camera, Tamra and Eddie go to dinner and spend the entire segment talking about Sydney.  I mean…. seriously.  She has made Sydney her entire story line this season!

These scenes with Shannon and the food are uncomfortable to watch.  And perhaps don’t tell your young girls how many calories are in the meal…not really sending the right message.   But I agree with Shannon that seeing your husband pounding chips while watching you finish up dinner really makes me crazy too.

You can really tell when Editors just have no shame.  When they show Vicki walking in to this party from the ground up, the waddle side to side, I mean – yowza. Although Vicki deserves it after the mean comment she made about Shannon.   Then the only audio and clips of Shannon since the show premiered are her discussing the food : Chasing down food + booze at the sip and see, and chasing down food + booze at the premiere of Nobleman Magazine.

I think Dico is so sweet; he walks up during Tamra and Peggy debating and says to Tamra “I’m so sorry I didn’t get you a drink, take this one.” My favorite was that he says ‘It’s vodka with club soda and a lime; it’s really good!” As though that isn’t the most basic female cocktail and tastes like heaven.  I mean we can all agree it’s good but it’s no strawberry daiquiri or pina colada anything……

Why is Tamra so pissed off with what Peggy is saying to her about Vicki? Tamra just likes to flip out on people I think.  Unlike some that have started to “know their role”, I think instead of her knowing to play the bitch, she just IS a beyotch.

I don’t know if it’s because we are coming off of the high of New York + the new high of Dallas, but this could not be more boring.  I am like TRYING to find scenes and clips that I like.  And what is it I am commenting on? A 1.5 second clip of Vicki walking into a party.  I mean COME ON.  

:: Real Housewives of Auckland :: 
You’re all telling me to watch…. and I trust your wisdom…. but I watched the first 20 minutes of episode one and immediately turned it off and went to catch up on the lat 6 episodes of The Great British Baking Competition.
I just….. ughhh.  Does it get better? I’m all for some International Housewives, I love me some Melbourne, but I just don’t know…..

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 

To Project Runway.  For 16 Seasons.  For Tim just being the best.  For no more size 00 models only.  But mostly, for Heidi looker hotter than ever. I MEAN.  I will never understand her.  She looks AMAZING.  She (and J.Lo) have got it figured out.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 

Vicki Gunvalson and Kelly Dodd continue to be mean girls.
This time : mocking Shannon on a now deleted instagram, the same way they have been on the show.

Is it just because I’m bored with this season that everyone seems so vindictive? Or is it just that Kelly and Vicki have always been that way?

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bachelor in Paradise :: 

IT’S FINALLY TIME FOR PARADISE.
I had no idea this week was going to be 4 hours of television, but I begged and pleaded for this not to be cancelled, so no complaints from me! Of course we have to start with Chris all alone on the beach, speaking slowly, discussing the scandal that was plastered all over the news.  And they tease us for about 3 hours until we finally get to see anything (spoiler: we see NOTHING. Not a damn thing). The way they are going about this makes me wonder how much of this was a publicity stunt? Because these people at The Bachelor are next level crazy when it comes to figuring out how to get the whole world involved in their franchise.  Speaking of, I wonder when UnReal Season 3 starts!? We don’t even see Corinne and DaMario walk off to start any of this stuff that supposedly happened, so when they give us NO proof of anything, I am thinking it is fake?

But anyways…. we made it to Paradise.  And the cheesy intro. And no more Jorge as bartender (tear).  He is starting a business called Jorge’s Tour-ges.  Take a moment and soak that name in. I may have died laughing a little bit.  But anyways…. we have sweet Wells instead.  Which is kind of perfect because I don’t think he has the balls to make out with anyone.

I’m confused as to when Raven became like “the star” and spokesperson for all of the contestants? Am I missing something? Because I just recall a girl frolicking in the snow discussing her lack of orgasms to her family and all of America in a thick Oklahoma-drawl over and over again?

Dean arrives (YES PLEASE) and Kristina, the dental hygienist adopted from Russia, with some new hair and looking gorgeous.
More of the people with no jobs or career aspirations other than selling Skinny Tea on instagram arrive, including of course  DeMario and Corinne.  It is painful to listen to DeMario talk about how he’s here to prove he’s a good guy and get his reputation back in line.  Ruh roh…..

These people waste ZERO time getting absolutely hammered, which I appreciate!  No fluff and dragging it out like Chris Harrison and the rest of the show.  Wells clearly pours a mean margaritaTheir eyes in the commentary/diary sessions from day one are as glazed over as it gets, and Jasmine is leading the charge.  Jasmine’s sexual awkwardness and chocking commentary on Nick’s season was not a one off thing as we learn these next 4 hours – girl likes to booze and girl likes to make things seriously uncomfortable right away.

Things start to get exciting (who I am kidding, I was already on the edge of my couch eating all of this up!) when Robby arrives.  But in case you were worried Robby had changed his hair from JoJo’s season, don’t be alarmed, it’s even more insane and makes him look more plastic and Ken-line than ever before.  Someone explain to me how a straight man – and I fully believe he is a straight man – can look like this and get a girl to make out with him, let alone sleep with him? AND THEN.  His profession changed from “former professional swimmer” to “social media influencer” .  You have GOT to be kidding me.  Robby.  You may have more abs that anyone there, but there’s way more product-pushing-instagram-whores around you on that beach than you know what to do with!

Robby claiming to be a  “social media influencer”  is almost as bad as when Amanda says “I tried the dating app’s but the celebrity one didn’t even accept me! They had me on a wait list!”  I hate myself for watching this show and giving these people their 7 minutes of fame even more after that comment.  This is your 19th reality show, go home to YOUR GLADIATOR SANDAL WEARING CHILDREN. Who are probably 15 at this point.

I gained some respect for Raven when she got back from her date with Robby and said what everyone on their couch is thinking.  She made fun of the social media influencer title he kept talking about and said  “Every time he touches his hair I’m going to drink” .  She also said you shouldn’t trust someone with 12 abs, anything over 6 means you aren’t doing anything but working out and to that I say preach, girl preach.  2 points for Raven.

Why do all of the men here have necklaces on?  I really can’t.  I’ve never been so happy to have left my twenties in my life – I wouldn’t be able to find a single man in this group that I would want to make out with.  Sharing jewelry, especially stone and puka shelled necklaces, is not on my list of what I look for in a man.

Night one ends and I am super excited about Dean and Kristina, and super pissed we have seen nothing except drunk Corinne climbing all over DeMario’s back.   All we see is Corinne get pulled aside and DeMario get pulled aside mid-afternoon the next day, and a sketchy “Shut It Down!” with everyone putting their cameras down (yet we still have footage and cameras rolling of everyone putting their cameras down and standing around…..)

Night Two of The Bachelor taking over my life begins….
But the first hour of the show is The Bachelor Wedding of the couple that no one ever saw coming  (including the bride herself)  because she was absolutely repulsed by her now husband to be and spent weeks discussing it on air.  Ah, yes, the true love that is Carly and Evan.  (Although seriously…. she seems obsessed with him now…. I don’t understand how someone can do a 180 like that.  Repulsed day 1-7 , engaged to be married day 14).

I had totally forgotten about her first run at BIP where we all thought she would end up getting engaged to Kirk. Yikes. That was a mess.
They replay the love story of Carly + Evan and it still makes no sense to me, but I do vividly remembered the spit string when they came apart after the habanero kiss – WOOF.

Okay can we move on?! I get it, there’s 97 bachelor rejects in the audience for the ceremony, I don’t have time for this and fast forward (sorry not sorry).  I need to get back to the current losers on the beach this season looking for “the one” and hopefully no crabs.  No crabs in many ways…... (They must test these people before the show? Anyone know this?)

So paradise has been shut down.  They are showing us absolutely nothing of it.  And instead, we have everyone back together for an HR Lesson about consent that sounds like sex ed for pre-teens.  And Chris Harrison is the teacher.  ABC is really covering their asses and diving deep into “issues one faces in the beach-place”.  They all stare blankly like anyone who has sat through a corporate sexual harassment meeting that just wants to know if it’ll end early and they can go to happy hour after. But paradise can’t resume until each person gives a verbal YES CHRIS YES! I WANNA MAKE OUT AND BOOZE AND EMBARRASS MYSELF ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!!
Trust me ABC, they can’t WAIT to disappoint their parents and make fools of themselves in front of the world.
But, even though we learn nothing about what happened, we do learn that everyone seems to be on DeMario’s side.  Interesting……. And while they carefully add in things defending Corinne (when prompted) no one seems to be on Corinne’s side at all.   It seems to me like Corinne was trying to make a big thing out of this…. threatening to sue….get some more time in the spotlight, and that it all clearly backfired big time.

A bunch more happens, but I’m exhausted already! Aren’t you!? We’re only two episodes in and STILL NO ROSE CEREMONY. Night Two ends with Jasmine trying to go have sexy time and Matt shutting it down and going to bed.  She is pissed.  I feel like perhaps he is the one person too ashamed to have sex on TV for everyone to see? Maybe it’s more than that but I think he’s done with her sexual aggression.

And Dean and Kristina, the “solid couple” of the group who spent 10 days together in Kentucky during the hiatus from shooting, are crumbling.  They’re arguing about communication, and considering Dean seems like he would rather do anything than have to talk about his emotions on camera I can see why.  But because I am sad and pathetic and buy into all of this BS, I am rooting for these two – because we all know there are no other contestants with family/daddy issues for them to turn to instead.  Absolutely no one.

Favorite person : The Shark/Dolphin – her commentary with (who was it? Santa/Nick?) dubbing the conversation between Midget-Man-Alex and Amanda discussing “are you taller than my kids? could you share pants?” was absolutely incredible.

….. I mean it was 4 hours of my life I’ll never get back, and I have zero complaints.  Well, just one : that we didn’t learn anything about DeMario and Corinne.  But I for one am more excited than ever to see the rest of this season play out.

This show is truly a gift.  And I treasure it.

:: RH of Dallas :: 

Dallas is back, y’all! And for those of you that do not watch Dallas, let me tell you that you are doing your garbage-reality-television-loving-self a disservice.  It is so, so good. So different than all of the other franchises (and be sure not to jump right into season two but treat yo-self to all of season 1 on demand.)
but I digress…… 
I cannot BELIEVE that the two side-kicks Stephanie and Brandi are not friends any more! I am just shocked!  But I am equally shocked with how different all of these ladies faces are from the last time I saw them.  Am I crazy, or do they look different??

Brandi seems to be pulled tighter than ever to the point of losing her eyeballs.  Stephanie’s face just looks all different to me (way too much filler? bigger?) and same with Cary’s.  Leanne looks the same yet a thinner face and much better, due to her finally losing the Carnie Clown Blush on her cheeks.

But if I’m being honest, I am way too affected by the dissolution of the friendship between Stephanie and Brandi.  They are way too good of friends for this to happen! Stephanie is still crying at the drop of a hat over it 4 months later, and Brandi won’t tell her why she just stopped talking to her.  At one point it is said that it’s all due to Stephanie’s Bravo blog saying that Brandi’s marriage was like watching a slow motion car wreck last season.  But later, Brandi says it’s all due to a Father’s Day BBQ when Stephanie sat inside reading magazines all day and referring to Brandi and her husband as her husbands friends (aka not her friends?) What? Either way – this is stupid.  Get over it! 

What bothers me most about the ending of this friendship is that Brandi has turned to LEEANNE! Of all people! Seriously!? This is the worst idea EVER. 

There are two new girls this season.  Kameron, the tall blonde “barbie”, and D’Andra who is “wealthy” not just rich.

We’ll start with Kameron.  She is a tall blonde that is absolutely obsessed with pink.  There was much chatter about her being just like “Elle Woods” and being smarter than she looked and being the real life “Legally Blonde” I kept thinking that while I was watching I missed the story about Law School and that she was a lawyer? But after rewinding and googling I realized, no.  All of the talk is just about her being obsessed with pink. I mean, I’m sure she’s smart, but that’s not exactly the Real Life Elle Woods/Legally Blonde ladies, soooo maybe just stick with the barbie reference instead? Mmmk thanks.
She’s been with her husband since college at SMU and he looks like an adorable little guy (I say little guy because she literally referred to her own husband as a Hobbit)

When her husband came in I was shocked…. because he looked so young! So I realized she must be young too.  Why do young girls get so much injectables/work done to their face? It only ages them! It took many a google search to find her age but finally this article clarified that she is 33 years old. THIRTY THREE.  I’m sorry…. but talk about a beautiful girl that has aged herself straight to 40.

Anyways…. She likes pink because “with all of the horrible things happening in the world, it’s a distraction…” and she is working on pink dog food.  Pink. Dog. Food.  And then blue.  Of course! For boys! 
I just don’t think I’m going to be able to handle this girl.
I find none of this adorable or funny or anything of the sort, but we’ll see. 

The other new girl is D’Andra. She came into her wealth through her family, married a photo journalist, and moved back to Texas to take over her mom’s business.

And lemme tell ya, her mom is the real star here.
First we had Dale (Tinsley’s mom on RHONY) and now we are gifted Dee.
And wowwwwww.  Dee.  She’s a gift from the Bravo Gods.

After only one scene with her,  I am already terrified of Dee based on how her daughter prepares for her arrival.  She’s an absolute wreck about her mom coming over for breakfast.  BREAKFAST.  She breaks out the china, apologizes for not putting out the butter plates, and waits for her mom to scorn her, which she does. 

And do not even get me started on D’Andra’s home. Oh.  My.  Lord.
Take a tour of the house here. 

One of the highlights of this premiere episode is LeeAnne pretending she is a calm, sane, changed woman thanks to her therapist and anger management.  We are gifted with the police report of LeeAnne threatening/trying to kill someone with a knife and sandpaper (a supposed “Fake police report” according to LeeAnne, because that’s just so simple to do??) Sandpaper!?! Thing is, if you have seen LeeAnne fly off the handle, and saw that Lake Trip Episode last season, I can fully see her crazy pants doing this. Also, she never actually denies it?  Just does some Texas-Side-Talk around it. 

LeeAnne in therapy, pretending to be such a changed woman, does nothing but remind me of Monster In Law with Jane Fonda pretending to be all ashamed of who she used to be and a changed woman all calm and ready to go home.
It cracks me up.

Again…. Monster In Law has been and always will be one of the greatest movies of our time.  Preach.

As she goes on and on about how calm and wonderful she is, all it takes is one comment to get her all riled up.  Brandi mentions in the limo on the way to Mark’s party “Stephanie texted that Cary said LeeAnne was up to her old tricks”.  And from that alone LeeAnne is ready to open a giant can of whoop ass.  Ohhhh I can’t wait to see how the new blush-free LeeAnne remains all calm and anger-free this season!
and for the record, Cary is right. LeeAnne cannot stay out of anything if her life depended on it.  She is addicted to the drama!

When LeAnne sits there speaking for Brandi at the party, when all Stephanie is asking is “can we talk now or later or whenever works for you”, I was STEAMED.  How dare Leeanne get all involved in this! And answer for her 3 times in a row!? She is crazy! And we all know it! And Brandi knows it! What is the world coming to!?

And a final note on LeeAnne: Did she say charity this episode? If she did, I barely noticed.  And therefor, my Dallas Housewives Drinking game is RUINED.  Thanks a lot LeeAnne! 

:: Below Deck Med Reunion ::

The joy that was brought to me through Dallas and Bachelor in Paradise this week came to a screeching halt with the Below Deck Med Reunion.  It was horrible!  It was just my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen pushing the same questions about Adam-Wes-Malia for an hour and everyone stepping around it.   And the fashion….. my goodness… don’t even get me started on the wardrobe choices.  Thank goodness these people are in uniforms on the boat when we see them.

Hannah has on an awful outfit with gold necklaces/metal pieces everywhere and her boobs shoved together within an inch of their life.  Malia has awful hair extensions and a red gown on with slits rivaling Angelina Jolie Leg-Gate.  Wes’s hair and facial hair look awful.  And Bugsy looks alright, but I like her ten times better as a blonde.

And when they pan to Bobby, all I can think is that Bobby’s teeth are 10x better since he did Invisalign.  There is a serious problem when Bobby is the person I am complimenting in this group.

Nothing is really resolved with the Adam and Malia thing; it just continues to be so awkward.  It’s clear things have happened that are not being said.  I love that my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen wouldn’t drop it and finally said “well you said you were in love with her? how do you define sex?”

Wes and Malia even try to deny that they are together as a couple and leave that all up in the air.  They are acting like they are not, but they have a planned trip to South Africa together? Again, thank you Andy for calling it out.  Meeting each others families is kind of a thing couples do.  But hey…. what do I know.

Hannah is way nicer to Bugsy than I expected, so slow clap for that.

And again, after each new subject is introduced, Andy won’t drop it and keeps going back to Adam about Malia.

VERY UNEVENTFUL.  On to the next season of Below Deck……I need some Kate Chastain back on the boat.

:: RHONY Reunion Part I ::

Last night’s Part I was SO GOOD.
And despite wanting to feel nothing for LuAnn because she chose all of this, I actually felt really bad for her.
A few CliffsNotes version of some thoughts:
– Even the opening introduction is great when Andy thanks them for trekking from the UES to the location and Sonja exclaims “Seriously…..”.  Kicking it off with a bang.
– Andy’s facial expressions are spot. on.
– Why did Bethenny’s dress look so big on her? When she is standing in the group photo it looks great, but it’s swallowing her up on the couch?  And looks like the neck is untied? On the opposite end of the spectrum, Sonja needs to borrow Bethenny’s extra fabric, because her boobs are eating her dress and it’s a full nip-slip the whole show!
– Bethenny calling Ramona out for her treatment of staff and people beneath her was great,
especially when Ramona loves professing “she came from nothing”.
– I had completely forgotten about all of the gems this season like the Italian Mob Dinner and The ‘Put and Easy Pass on that Vagina” Dinner.  This season was truly one of the best.
– Ramona…. ohhhhh Ramona. I have 25 minutes worth on Ramona… but this was already a 9 hour post.
Sorry as always for my delayed NY chat! 

:: Mazel of the Week :: 
RHOC: Mazel to Meghan King Edmonds for having a Cardboard Cutout of her holding Baby Aspen and guests get to put their head as the baby’s head.
Of course I can find zero images of this….. but it was the most genius thing I have ever seen in my life.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

:: RHONY Recap :: 

Of course the news of LuAnn came a few hours after last week’s Coffee Talk.  Yes, “Can you believe it girls?!!??”…. Her and Tom are filing for divorce.  I feel like this equally shocks me and comes as the most obvious news ever.  I definitely saw it coming, just never thought it would come this soon.  I thought she was going to try to ride the Tom Train (no pun intended… just re-read that…) for as long as possible (at least a year!) and then finally be done with the public cheating or meet someone else and get divorced.
But we know the Countess…. when she falls, she laughs it off and picks herself right back up.

The finale aired last night, but I’m saving that bad boy for my full devotion later this week.  Last week’s finale of the Mexico trip was just amazing.  I feel like this whole season of New York was glorious.  I forgot how much I missed train-wreck-trashed Sonja.   I just wish instead of ripping her clothes off and trying to make out with everyone in sight that she had done more of her stories of “yachting with John John” and “partying with Diddy at the white party.”  But hey – I’ll take Sonja any way I can get her!

One drunk ( or two….. ) that I could take a little less of : Ramona.  And Bethenny.  And a little less nudity overall.  This whole scene made me want to pull my hair out.  Ramona was her usual apologizer, then woe-is-me self, with that awful tone and way of speaking that she does and it just MAKES ME CRAZY but on Tequila infused steroids.   She tries, and again fails, to actually cry tears, but instead makes botoxed-laser-pizza-faced scrunched movements resembling trying to cry.

I never saw Drunk Dorinda causing fights coming!  I couldn’t wait for Drunk Dorinda because she is my favorite drunk, but this trip her slurring self turn a turn for the dark side.  Luckily her + Bethenny were able to get over it the next day, and luckily she didn’t sever her hand off with the knife at the dinner table.  I just kept staring at the beautiful monogrammed linen dining chairs and freaking out that she was going to get blood on them.

Seriously.  The staff at this Villa in Mexico deserve a trip and a giant paycheck from the people at Bravo for putting up with this insanity.  Can you even imagine?!?

I kind of loved drunk Tinsley calling out LuAnn for the West Palm vs. Palm Beach debate.  And Bethenny perfectly imitating her never ending “we’re going to Palm Beach”.  But I also love Lu for telling Tinz to lay off the eff-bombs like a lady and shutting her down with a “Where do you stay in Palm Beach? Your moms house.” BOOM. Drop. Mic. I mean Lu has really won me over on this trip….. maybe I’ve been drinking too much tequila too?

But the perfect way to end the trip: bringing it full circle and back to, who else, TOM.
The girls are naming their “rose and thorn of the trip” and LuAnn says “My rose is Tom.”
Ugghhhhhhhh.  Aw Lu…. we were doing so well…..

and also – this is another example that the people that constantly profess their love and how happy they are and how perfect their relationship is are absolutely full of it.  

Can’t wait to see what jack-ass move Tom pulled in the finale last night (where the previews lead you to believe he is lusting after Missy and making inappropriate comments before saying he needs to take his mic off….. so…. that’s probably what happened since they showed all of that already on WWHL :D)

I can’t believe that the reunion was already taped and I can’t wait to hear what LuAnn says and how it all goes down.  I imagine it will be a fairly large part of the reunion, because wether they were still together or not, he was a huge part of the season!

:: RHOOC Recap :: 

I feel so bad for Vicki’s son Michael whenever they show him.  He just always looks like he wants to crawl out of his skin.  Can you imagine Vicki being your mom?

And then deciding to work with her everyday?  And be in charge of taking over her “legacy”?
….. an even more disturbing thought…. can you imagine being Michael’s girlfriend and Vicki being your potential Mother In Law? I mean.  Wow.  Slow clap for this girlfriend Dani for being able to sleep at night.  Mazel.

Speaking of mothers, Kelly took her wickedness out on her mom at the Senior Center this week, and decided to ruin the poor woman that runs the Senior Center’s day as well.  The way that woman is reacting to Kelly doesn’t even phase her.  I’m sure Kelly Dodd has no idea that on a daily basis everyone around her looks at her like they can’t believe what is unfolding in front of them.  And how did I keep forgetting how …um…. crazy her mom looks!? And I mean that as nicely as possible…. I’d look crazy if I lived with Kelly. 

Peggy’s Lamborgini (spelling? don’t care.  sorry not sorry) party is supposed to be the excuse to get all of the women in one room since the reunion, but alas, Shannon declines.  It looks like it is going to be the Sip & See for Megan’s baby Aspen instead.  Smart move…. let’s make these lunatics all get together for the first time with a newborn present.  Genius idea. But really – when they all try to act like they refuse to see each other it is so ridiculous.  You are on A SHOW together.  Bethenny did this all the time when she came back to NY Housewives.  It’s like – be on the show or don’t!

but I digress…… 

I think that when I said I like Peggy, the new housewife, I really just meant that I like her husband Dino.  I’m into Dino – he seems like the real star.

I’m fine with Peggy not being as warm and fuzzy or anything, but she needs to know her “place” as the new girl.  To grab Megan’s mouth like that and completely intervene in a conversation that she clearly knows nothing about (which is why she is becoming friends with Vicki, because she has no clue what this OG is capable of doing and has done for all of these seasons) is completely inappropriate! Megan was even being nice about all of it to Vicki, not aggressive at all! So we’ll see how this transpires… but Dino can stay.  He’s adorable. And smiles.

:: Tamra’s Troubles ::
The episode was nothing compared to Tamra’s daughters Facebook announcement slamming her mom for being “no mother to her” and using her as her story line on the show.

and THEN Gretchen commented on it, and Tamra went nuts on Gretchen.

but really….. can Gretchen EVER not find an excuse to get her name involved in anything that will give her press?? Now these two are going back and forth and Gretchen posted some big huge thing and blah-blah-blah.

:: Southern Charm Update ::
Similar to Tom and Lu, this is the most surprising and least surprising thing to ever happen.
Kathryn and Thomas hooked up after this year’s Southern Charm Reunion…… AGAIN.
She spilled the beans on a podcast.

I mean really…. will these two EVER learn?
Just pray they used birth control this time around…..

:: Bachelorette Finale :: 
Ugh.
Can we not?
Why did she do this!? Whyyyyy?!

In the Bachelorette Finale this week, Rachel said goodbye to Peter before “final decision day” and it was all seemingly because he said he was in love with her but that he didn’t want to propose; that he just wanted to be together.  And she kicked him to the curb and went to skeeze-ball Bryan! With the crazy mom who acts like she wants to marry her own son! RACHEL.  What are you thinking!? He has possible cheek implants?! He was on a reality show called The Player!?  Come on!

Apparently I am not the only one that is upset that Peter didn’t get picked.  It seems like he was the favorite of the finalists.  I also think Rachel was a little harsh on him at the After the Final Rose – he didn’t do anything but act like a sane human being saying he wanted to be together and not put a ring on it when they haven’t lived one hour of “real life” together!?

Even the third runner up, Eric, thinks that she picked Bryan as a rebound and that it seemed like Peter was the choice.  I am fine with ALL of this if it makes Peter the next Bachelor because I wasn’t in to any of the other candidates.  But seriously…. can we just get a NEW person FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD!?

I do feel bad for Bryan doing all of these interviews with his fiance and everyone asking about Peter, but that’s part of the show (and Bryan is on TV again…. so I’m sure she doesn’t care).

:: Bachelor Updates ::
Juan Pablo, of bachelor infamy, got married over the weekend.

In true Juan Pablo form, he met by stalking the model’s instagram like the perv he is.

….. but I kinda miss Juan Pablo….

I’m like that annoying ex that doesn’t appreciate you when you’re here, and then when you’re gone I realize how much I miss you.
I could really go for 2 hours of JP being an ass right now…… but luckily……

:: Bachelor in Paradise :: 
STARTS MONDAY.  SET THOSE DVR’S LADIES!

:: Below Deck :: 
Bobby needs to be thanking Adam big time for being such a maniacal psychopath this season on the boat.
I am just so blown away that someone could come onto the boat to make Bobby look like a good guy because they are the biggest douche in the world.

I mean sure, Bobby is still making out with the girl he matched on Tinder with that is made entirely of plastic and that came on the boat with 6 other girls-for-hire with a 60 year old man, but STILL, Bobby looks amazing compared to Adam.
Down to the last minute of the trip Adam is still obsessing over Malia, acting like he hates her and is over her, by going to Wes and showing their texts and telling him about their hook-up.
I don’t understand how Adam gets away with hitting his co-worker?

And I really don’t understand how Wes can still be so obsessed with Malia?
Apparently Tom D’Agostino has a golden penis, and Malia has a golden vagine.

I am very, very much looking forward to this reunion.

:: MOTHERHOOD ::

Nikki Reed and Ian Sommerhalder are having a baby later this month.  They are taking a “month of silence” when the baby is born and they won’t be leaving the house or having any visitors for 30 days.  No phone calls, no phones period, nothing.  Now, I’ve never had a child, but this sounds like a bad horrible no good plan.  I get the idea of it…. and the idea is just lovely.  But I’m more like Vicki Gunvalson; I’m hoping that giving birth means that when my loving friends and family come to meet the new addition they may bring like, a casserole or something with them.
And a casserole is worth breaking a month of silence any day.

:: Mazel of the Week ::
The ladies of RHONY for their reunion ensembles.
Their reunions are usually some of their worst looks, and I really feel like they did great overall.

Well….. Tinz…. I mean…… wow.  But for all of the returning ladies it is some of their best looks.
and OF COURSE LuAnn is in a WHITE GOWN.  Are you freaking kidding me? I can hear her already “well you know I’m a newlywed so white doesn’t stop being your color after wedding day I’m still a blushing bride!”

Oh, and Ramona apparently has a new man…. Good Luck and God Speed.  You’ll need it.

:: Jackhole of the Week :: 
The horror movie Annabelle.  With that creepy doll.  For someone who fast forwards through commercials, that damn doll has been stalking me every time I look up at the television and it’s creeping me out!!!

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

:: LAST WEEK’S RHONY :: 

I have never been on the “Countess” LuAnn DeLesepps-now LuAnn D’Agostino’s bandwagon.  She drives me nuts.  And especially ever since the engagement, and her turning their wedding into a Sweet 16/Quincinera/Bridezilla extravaganza with the 21 year daughter as flower girl, my feelings had not gotten any more favorable.  But I have to say, this Mexico trip is really turning me around on Lu. I feel like in one day she has me doing a full 180! She tries to give credit to Bethenny with a Thank You toast at dinner (that Ramona clearly ruins), she helps Dorinda to her room to try to get her ready for dinner (but Dorinda power napped until morning – hey, we’ve all been there) and she laughs her way through not one but two face plants on night one in Mexico.

And perhaps the greatest fall in Bravo history.  At least the best come back in TV history from a fall because how she didn’t break something in that one from the ledge onto the cement is beyond me! 

And in the morning….. she strolls right on out there and joins Dorinda for some morning yoga.  I meannnn.  Slow. Clap. For. Lu. I have so much more respect for her! And then she ackhowles that yes she is crazy hungover and laughs about the night before, but she is still up and at ’em and going surfing with the girls, all bright eyed and bushy tailed.
Note to self: Next Hangover…. play like a Champion…. play like Countess D’Agostino.

Tinsley clearly made an impression on Scott (I mean… a 5 day date with a flight to Miami? What’s not to like!?) and he’s so crazy over her that he sends her huge bouquets of flowers to the Villa in Mexico.  I think it’s really sweet – and I’m happy for her and happy that they are still together – but this just such a Housewife thing.

If I were to go to out of the country with girlfriends for vacation and some guy sent huge bouquets of flowers to a friend where we’re staying after one date I would be like “Listen, we have a serious stage 5 clinger, possible psychotic murdered on our hands.  You need to run.”

The next morning, Ramona lives up to her name of “The Apologizer” and jumps into action to try to fix her poor behavior with Bethenny.   Clearly not because she is sorry for anything, but because over her fried crispy skinned laser facial’d face dead body is she not going on that tequila tour the next day.

She has such a hard time trying to play nice.  “I don’t not-not like you….” I mean come on Ramona.  Even you can lie through your teeth better than that!

Bethenny and her one liners have been SO. ON. POINT.  They always are, but I’m loving them lately. When they are surfing:
“The only thing that was missing was Ramona and her two floatation devices in case we were drowning to hang on her to her back.”

The gals head out shopping – and I must say all of these stores looked pretty great.  Ramona is buying everything that she see’s Bethenny look at or touch that she can get her hands on in an effort to break Bethenny down and get invited to Tequila.

Well, Ramona isn’t actually paying for any of it.  LuAnn is handing over all of her money, and she doesn’t even get LuAnn a bag after all that!? Again,  I just can’t believe how amazing and chill LuAnn is?!

After shopping, Ramona is exhausted and obviously needs the staff help lower her into the pool.  God forbid she use a stair or anything.  This woman in unbelievable.

I really love Tinsley…. I really do….. but just drop the Page Six blurb about being a bad houseguest.  Who cares and the whining is not a good look for you when your voice can get that high. She was bordering on Landon + Dolphin territory when whining at dinner the first night with that pitch, and then childishly sprinting into the pantry (and no one followed…..awkward….. so you just have to walk back out and sit back down at the table)
But seriously, everyone that watches knows you are not a bad houseguest!
…. I know I dropped it….. but do we think it was Sonja? or Ramona? I bet Sonja. 

We finally make it to the day of the Tequila excursion.  I was pissed Ramona got herself invited – because nothing would have been better than her having to sit at the Villa by herself but then I realized 1) The staff gets a break from her demanding ass if she is gone and 2) she gifted us the gem of her walking up to the helicopter.

She gets out of the car with a scarf fully wrapped around her entire face as though she is a hostage – I truly don’t know how she can see – and she also has her belly just hanging out over her white jeans. And when she gets out of the helicopter, she keeps it horribly wrapped around her head like she is in the desert riding a camel.

The Tequila Tasting menu and the whole excursion looked amazing.
When it ends, they head back to the Villa to continue the boozefest and give the viewers what they really want!

We only get to see the beginning before a to be continued, but Sonja has rediscovered the Sauce and is drunkenly trying to make-out with LuAnn and talk to Ramona about not being happy because Mario isn’t having sex daily with her.
You know, because Sonja knows it was nightly sex because “she was there”.

Next week it looks like Bethenny loses it on Sonja, gets naked in the pool, and we see 700-Margs Deep Drunk Dorinda.

:: Bachelorette The Men Tell All ::
I had forgotten about half of these people.  There is one hot guy I Swear I have never laid eyes on, and I totally forgot Jack Stone until they showed him and then flashbacks of his toothy-horrifyingly-awkward date flashed into my mind.
We barely had any time to reminisce about everyones disdain for Demario because his side-girl Lexi was a blip in the radar, because who cares about Lexi we wanted Bachelor in Paradise scoop, because compared to Lee and the racist and sexist twitter fest he has been having DeMario was nothing.
I must have been living under a rock because I had no idea about Lee and his insanely horrible twitter commentary.  I am so glad his ass got handed to him on National television.  What a loser.

I am so sad that Dean is going to Bachelor in Paradise!! I know that he is too young and his pants are too tight and his tie is too skinny and he’s just all wrong for the next Bachelor (PLEASE ABC I BEG YOU, CAN WE GET SOMEONE NEW!?
AN UNKNOWN HARDWORKING HOTTIE? IS IT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK!?)
but I feel like he is too sweet for Paradise and it’s just going to ruin him! I hope he’s good and not a man-whore when he goes!
Side note : I just realized that everything I said about Dean, with the exception of age, was Nick and they picked him.  Too tight of clothes and went on BIP….. then still became Bachelor….. 

If she ends up with Bryan next week I will lose my mind……

And then I’ll get over it in 7 days, just in time for Bachelor In Paradise’s premiere August 14th.

:: RHOC :: 

Kelly Dodd is talking to her gem of a husband (you know – the one she compared closely to Hitler and is only married to because she basically couldn’t get divorced from him) about the fight at The Quiet Woman.
I will never get over how great that fight being at a restaurant with that name was. 

Michael keeps trying to chime in with “oh when she kicked you out of dinner” but he is confused about which housewife kicked them out when last season.  It is understandably confusing because, as the flashbacks lovingly showed us, Kelly has been kicked out of several occasions in her short time on Housewives.

Kelly tries to say that Shannon has Stockholm’s Syndrome and when Michael explains that would means Tamra has her locked up and she takes on the traits of her oppressor Kelly is like “BINGO!!!” and just nods.
Sigh. I really, really, really just can’t with Kelly.

We see all of Sterling’s absolutely thrilling not at all a waste of 15 minutes 8th birthday party, which is pointless except for seeing Lydia get caked in glitter, an then get one moment of Vicki discussing cancer with Peggy.

Of course Vicki has to give cancer commentary.  Similar to when she tried to start a cancer charity, the woman has no shame and has learned nothing,
“After everything that happened with Brooks, I think health issues should be kept private. I won’t be asking for records and researching.”

Well, Vicki, people only ask for medical records when they realize someone is faking cancer.
Not when someone has an actual medical diagnosis or health issue.
I see how that can be very confusing though.  Very conusing.

Shannon in the car with her 15 year old daughter is basically me but far more calm.

That’s how I react to being in the passenger seat – it is like sheer terror.
I will never be teaching my children how to drive it will All be entirely up to Kip.

If I wasn’t so focused on feeling bad for Shannon and her entire story line being about her weight gain, I would be feeling really bad for Meghan that her entire story line is trying to make her out to be clueless and helpless as a mother.  And acting like Big Jim is Dad of the Year.  Not buying it.
But Meghan is totally correct in saying that it is a hell of a lot easier to get along with Kelly than to argue with her.
And OF COURSE Kelly tells Meghan at 7 months pregnant that Jimmy has a mistress.  She is nuts.  I have never seen anyone on TV hit lower than Kelly Dodd.  Her and Michael deserve each other.

And then Peggy is getting chummy with Vicki! PEG’S!  You are warming up to the wrong person. RUN.

Dud of an episode compared to the weeks past, but I’ll give things time to warm up – OC never lets us down in the end.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
Brandi Glanville.
The never-ending feud turned lawsuit between her and Joanna Krupa (about Brandi’s foul words regarding Joanna’s lady bits) has come to an end.  And of course, not in any sophisticated manner when dealing with Brandi.  She had to issue a public apology which is so blatantly not her words nor meant in any way that it basically doesn’t even count, and the other details are sealed by the court.  I hope Brandi had to pay some cash to Joanna because she deserves it.

She is a double Jackhole this week because Brandi entered the Celebrity Big Brother house this week. (Why can’t they ever pick anyone classy or decent? The last Americans I remember for this were Spencer and Heidi and they were awful!)
Apparently she is already showing her true colors of complete trash.
“Today, Brandi entered the Celebrity Big Brother house.  Before she even got in the door she started running her foul mouth on the live show. She wasted no time calling  Eddie dumb and referred to Leann as a f—–g c–t. British tabloids have been reporting on her foul  mouth and revealing clothing since then.”

SHE IS THE WORST.

In other news … this season of American Big Brother has been AMAZING. 

:: BELOW DECK MED :: 
Speaking of THE WORST, Adam and Hannah are just unbelievable.
Adam : “I don’t want the crew to think I’m this crazy, aggressive man…” ….. sooo let me prove it by constantly being completely crazy and aggressive and continuing to eff with Malia.
They are doing a Reunion Episode so I can’t wait to watch Hannah act like she has never done anything wrong and Adam continue to be the stage-5 pathological liar that he is.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
To Jill Zarin! For her Annual Charity Luxury Luncheon.
I had read that Bobby was sick again so I am confused if this news came right before her event or after? But either way it looked amazing, raised a bunch of money, lots of bravo-lebs and housewives were present!

You can see a bunch of photos from the event here  along with a random old video tour of her NYC apartment?

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

Bear with me while I am still playing catch up on all of the shows!!!
Some of my commentary is from things you may have seen two weeks ago – sorry!

:: RH of OC :: 

My jaw hit the floor when I saw the intro.  I had seen the preview of the intro with all of their (horrible) tag-lines but there was something I hadn’t noticed in the past.  Don’t even get me started on Kelly Dodd’s tagline….

or Lydia’s for that matter….. the others are bad but those are the worst.
When they get to Vicki’s tagline and show her family in the background, HER BOYFRIEND STEVE IS THERE.

Are you serious?!?! You have your kids and grandkids and SOME GUY YOU JUST STARTED DATING?!
She is SO DESPERATE.

The other big shocker was that Vicki is not front and center with the orange…… nay nay.

There is no OG of the OC getting the center of the V-Formation.
Instead it is Vicki’s friend turned nemesis front and center.

There are so many things that make me nuts about Vicki, and believe it or not, helping Brooks fake cancer is further down the list than you’d think. She is such a hypocrite about women and criticizes women constantly for their jobs mostly.  For someone so judgmental about a woman who stays at home with her kids and relies on the man working, she can’t function without a man.  She can’t even walk out the door without a man giving her words of affirmation every 10 seconds.  She puts the man IN HER INTRO PACKAGE?  And she cares SO much about what everyone thinks that at the age of 55 she will admit she cares about being cool and popular.  That was as nicely as I could vent on Vicki….

Why does Tamra have a guinea pig? Really? Why? Why?
……. Why?

Shannon is a bomb ready to erupt
(edit: I wrote this prior to seeing all 3 episodes…… she erupts…. again… and again).
What begins with being visibly irate over David’s disinterest in Quinoa for dinner turns into lashing out at everyone over everything and storming off.  Her reaction to Lydia? Screaming and crying and running to the limo over sweet little Lydia?? She’s wound so tight she is ready to implode at any moment. She needs to calmmmm down.

Even the dinner (at The Quiet Woman!) with the new girl she is ready to pounce at everything she says about not wanting to build her own house (for 6 years! because that is crazy!)

And then Kelly Dodd comes in to the restaurant… and you know it won’t be becoming a calm situation.

She seriously is horrible.  Simply AWFUL.  She goes right for the jugular every time.

We see in mere minutes that Kelly Dodd is exactly the same as last season – cackling in her face as Shannon leaves crying out the back door of the restaurant, and then pushing her mouth and face up against the clear glass of the restaurant door while the ladies are outside because of the scene that just ensued.

I cannot believe this whole dinner scene.  And that is all occurs at The Quiet Woman.  Incredible.

I like the new girl so far! Her husband is adorable and they seem very happily married which is refreshing for a change. She is mortified by everyone’s behavior at dinner.  And she’s bringing breast cancer awareness to women on top of it all!

I just can’t believe that Shannon’s entire story line is her weight gain…. I feel awful for her…..I’m sure she never realized out of everything being filmed and everything she said that it would be all the focus was?
but seriously…. it’s not all Vicki……

But maybe she’s on to something…..
when I stepped on the scale this morning I shouldn’t have thought “well, Italy was worth it”
I should have yelled “DAMNIT VICKI! LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME”

:: LAST WEEKS RH of NY :: 

We finally make it to Mexico ! FINALLY !

And Ramona, the genius that she is, decides to get a facial laser or some treatment of some kind rind before the trip.  Great idea before any trip but especially before a trip to lay in the Mexican sun.  Did she learn nothing from Samantha Jones and Sex & The City?

A version of marry shag kill is brought up in the cars on the way to the Villa and the ladies say that they would all kill Tinsley because she unmarry’able and un-shag’able. Wow that’s mean!?  And Tinsley gets out of the car and immediately shakes the mans hand that works there, so I’d marry and shag her every single time.  SHE’S A LADY.  Which clearly these thankless betches with no manners know nothing about.  I get so mad watching these trips when they behave the way they do to the staff!!!

For some reason, I, like Bethenny, was trying to give Ramona the benefit of the doubt about being a selfish brat about rooms for this trip.  Especially when she wasn’t even invited, I didn’t think she would try to pull the same crap.  But nope, she doesn’t even make it to the view of the pool and the ocean before she sneaks off trying to find the best room.

I would kick her out.  Bethenny can pull rank on anything with Bravo and Mf-Bf-AC and I REALLY want her to.

Sadly that wasn’t the worst part of her behavior.  She immediately starts cruelly bossing the staff around and acting like they are her personal servants for the week.  “Send someone to do all this because Im just not in the mood” she says as she hurls a shoe into the closet shelf.  And then when another staff member is there she is telling her what to do and  SNAPS HER FINGERS at her.

She makes me so sick.  Karma is NOT a big enough bitch to her.

WHAT in the HELL is Carole wearing to this dinner?  Dark jeans, sneakers, and pulled down the mosquito net from above her bed and tied it around her top into a tube top?

Bethenny’s one liners continue to kill me.  Regarding Ramona putting on make-up for dinner:
“putting make up on Ramona’s face today is like throwing an extra deck chair on the QE2”

And finally…. the highlight of the night.  Drunk LuAnn.  And drunk LuAnn’s falls.  Plural.

I would just like to thank the producers at Bravo for only showing us the fall from the cement landing, because the fall into the bushes made me the laugh the hardest I have laughed in a very, very long time.  It was AH-mazing.

And typical Ramona just bitches and criticizes and related it back to herself for at least 6 sentences
before ever checking if she was okay.

:: Southern Charm Reunions :: 

I was proud of how much better behaved everyone was this year versus last.  Although it seems like Kathryn only stayed well behaved after Thomas threatened and did all of her rebuttles through whispers knowing she would be mic’d and they would be picked up?

Even Kathryn’s fash-un was more demure! Still bad and Gone With the Wind “fabulous”. But nothing insane like last year.  I do love her hair that length but you can’t have fire engine red hair and then want to wear giant fire red dresses.
I really just want the ring that Cameron had on…. I am salivating over it!
Truly my dream ring with the quatrefoils and the sapphires.

:: Bachelorette :: 

I really love her and Peter and their gap teeth chemistry together.  I feel like it’s going to be Bryan, but I really love Peter.  What’s wrong with being sane and realistic and saying that not putting a ring on it at the end of only knowing each other a few weeks doesn’t mean you don’t not want to be with them.

Bryan’s biggest red flag is obviously his mom.

The last girlfriend dumped him because of the mom.  The mom looks like she is going to vomit throughout the entire date.
However, the mom chugging that glass of wine while she does her fake-cheers to the couple is competition with Jojo’s mom for best chug….. so in that sense….. I like her and she wins possible amazing mother-in-law of the year.

And Oh. My. Gahhhhh.  Dean’s Hometown.  For once, it really was the most dramatic hometown of all time.  No amount of build up and dramatic music could have prepared me for Dean’s father.
Rachel handled the situation SO well.  I would never have been able to handle it or say all the things in commentary that she did.  Slow clap.

And don’t hold your breath for cutie-pie Dean being the next Bachelor…. he says he isn’t ready.   Which I would agree with…. but I just think he’s precious.

:: Shahs of Sunset ::

The previews for this season left me speechless.  I don’t know that I have the energy to recap it, but I will say that seeing the sister from People’s Couch appear as party planner Destiney made me just want to watch all the past episodes of Peoples Couch immediately.

:: Bachelor In Paradise ::

The countdown is on and I am SO excited!
Chris Harrison said not much has changed “post-incident”…. but I wonder what that means for what we actually see in episodes of the show?
I can’t wait to see if they play any of the things that were taped “pre-incident” or if they somehow just start the season “post-incident” or what?  which leads me to my Jackhole of the week….

:: Jackhole of the Week ::

Demarius was being a Jackhole long before his Bachelor days, hitting on Brit Brit and causing a scene in the street in 2008.  Whoever saw this video and immediately identified Demarius, or remembered Demarius from a video from 2008, needs to be my BFF.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.