The Sarcastic Blonde

fashion, food, fitness + a dose of sarcastic gossip

fashion, Lifestyle

:: lusts for the week ::

:: lusts for the week :: 
it’s taking every ounce of strength to not buy every single summer item that the internet is rubbing in our faces when its freezing and snowing outside.
so rude. 
       
THIS IS WHY PIPERLIME CANNOT CLOSE.
they are my striped, open back MECCA. 

// stripe open back top // 

I feel like this jacket would complete a wardrobe. 
like, I would instantly become a lady who lunches.
like “oh yeah I just had my jeans and shabby tee on, but I threw this on and now I’m perfect”
// kimono coat // 

the floral pencil skirt crazy is really getting me.  
I have nada to wear this too…. but I will find something…. I will… 
// floral lazer cut skirt // 

 // color block sweater // 


this bikini.  and the body, por favor.
and this adorable bikini is named Taylor, and its blue and white striped. how fitting!!
 call me crazy but I don’t quite think the models hoo-ha’s fit in that top….. luckily that won’t be a problem for this Taylor. 

BB Dakota strikes again, perfection with the perfect price point.



I’ll snuggle in this bad boy all day every day. 
 // bb dakota cardigan // 


and don’t worry ladies
you can quit searching.
I found your dream piece you never even knew you needed.
I’m not kidding that this comes in different colors and prints. 

// whatever this thing is //  
I mean for real. 
buttttttt wait I kind of want this “NAPSAK” thing ……
 I can wear it all day then sleep it it but tell my husband THATS WHAT ITS FOR so QUIT JUDGING ME that I’m STILL in my JAMMIES. 
and it would be absolutely perfect for Super Bowl Feeding Fest. 
certain sizes are already sold out, SERIOUSLY WTF, so go get yours before they’re gone! 


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beauty products, Lifestyle

beauty cheapies

I’ll be the first one to say I am not the go-to-gal for the glamour department.
make-up, hair products, and the such are not where I spend my dough.
there are a few things I will splurge on, but for the most part if I feel like there is a comparable product for a better price I always go for it! 
  
below are some of my favorites. 

:: DRY SHAMPOO :: 
compare with Bumble & Bumble Dry Shampoo 
I love the B&B dry shampoo and it was the first brand I ever splurged on for this kind of thing.  I am SO glad I tried Batiste because for less than 10 BUCKS it does the exact same thing for me.  I love, love, love it.  
The oribe texturizing spray is totally worth it for when you are styling your hair and want some hold and some body, and the can lasts forever.   When you want something to be a true dry shampoo (read: absorb oil, no more greasy hair for work or a regular day) the oribe cannot hold a candle to this stuff. 

:: FACIAL BRUSH HEADS :: 

people. it’s $5. for FOUR brush heads.  fo’ real. 
they fit the clarisonic, the bristles are soft, they are the exact same thing. 
don’t waste your dough on the brush heads, save it for a cocktail. or 6

:: EYE SHADOW PALETTE ::
compare with Naked Palette 
it’s basically the naked palette but a helluvah-lot cheaper.
and I love it. 

:: MASCARA ::
I love Yes They’re Real, but this stuff is great.  Takes my little stubs to new lengths. 


:: NAIL POLISH :: 
compare with nothing they’re all cheap.
unless your buying some seriously fancy polish laced with who knows what. 

yeahhhh so all nail polish is pretty cheap. 
this is a given for everyone else, but this is the first time I ever bought my go-to-color.  
because I paint my nails like a 3 year that broke into her moms bathroom cabinet. it is best left to the professional. 
but this color looks so different at all the different salons if it has been sitting in the sun in the window, so it was time to have the TRUE color at home to take with me. 

:: HAIR BRUSH ::
compare with those crazy pants $200 mason pearson hair brushes 
unless it’s magic and gives me the hair of my friend that is ALWAYS PERFECT (you have that friend too) then no thanks. 

if you STILL haven’t bought on of these, you’re nuts. 

:: TOILET PAPER ::
compare with THINGS NORMAL PEOPLE BUY. 

oh, I jest.
are you kidding me? if you are buying generic TP I want to cry for you. 
but seriously….. if my husband comes home with generic toilet paper one more time I will lose it….. 
his decisions to buy generic never cease to amaze me. 
for some things – definitely.  for others – never. 
 generic paper towels (sure, let me clean that small spill with AN ENTIRE ROLL of this crap), BUTTER (no. don’t even make eye contact with me I’m so disappointed in your life choices.), MAYONNAISE (I lied, I CAN be even more disappointed in you. the mayo from TJ’s should not be allowed to be sold on shelves)….. 
when I try to explain these life lessons, I receive looks of utter confusion and a complete lack of comprehension as to how generic butter + TP is NOT where we need to save a dime. 
nay-nay. 
#sorryimnotsorryforbeingabuttersnob


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Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: little things ::

random little things to kick off the week …….
     
this post about 9 things to do on the weekend to kick off the week
would definitely help me soothe my extreme sunday-scaries

also see this post, A Case of The Mondays: 7 Simple Tips that Make for Better Mondays.


if you can’t tell…. my sundayscaries leads me to google or pinterest search ways to tame my sundayscaries and basically stay up even later and be even more stressed because I am unable to do any of the things they suggest me to do. 
it’s like, GET A GRIP TAYLOR GEEZ.





I posted Coffee Talk a day late last week, on Friday, because I’m a pain in the ass.  SO go check it out in case you missed it and stimulate those brain cells. 


The SNL Bachelor Skit on Saturday night’s episode was incredible. 



my girl crush for j. lo continues to be on point.



her face on WWHL last thursday was SO PERFECT that I could not take my eyes off of her. 
not even her boobies can distract from how gorgeous her face is. it’s crazy. 



my last two orders from piper lime came with these adorable garment baggies and I was all excited! 





literally can’t believe they are closing piper lime. 


 I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. 


I’m hoping a jumbo sale will happen at some point?? 


I ordered the romper I had posted about and LOVED IT.  it is so cute and so comfortable. the fit runs large, so I had to return mine.  order down a size or to your smaller size 


it was so, so adorable. 


Use Code MUSTHAVE for 25% OFF everything through the end of today 1/26.







if you follow gal meets glam on instagram you’ll know she was in st lucia all last week.


all of her daytime posts were from Sugar Beach which is where we stayed for our second half of our honeymoon, and then she was staying at the amazing Ladera Resort higher up in the Pitons.


sugar beach image via – TAKE US BACK! 


I am SO CONFUSED how she spent every night at Ladera Resort and then went down to Sugar Beach Resort every day.  For those of you that have vacationed there you know that the roads are so, so rough and wind all over and that it takes forever to get around.  She must have spent so much time being naseus in a car going back and forth? I would have blown chunks every morning and every night. 


but GAWD give me her life because now she is at the Jumby Bay Rosewood Resort in Antigua.





I’m almost finished with Liane Moriarty’s The Last Anniversary.





It isn’t as good as her 3 more recent books (What Alice Forgot, The Husband’s Secret, Big Little Lies) but I’m still really enjoying a couple chapters before bed each night. 


I’ve been hearing rumblings about the new book The Girl On The Train being a great read if you loved Gone Girl.  


That was what they said about that one book “You Should Have Known” ….it was horrible. 


I don’t know who “they” is, but you know what I mean. 





this photo from the @betches account on instagram summed up every sunday my sunday.





after a delicious brunch with kip’s family at Range in Lincoln Park, 


I made myself comfy and finished the 5th season of Parenthood on Netflix.  I was all set to kick off season 6 On Demand and it wouldn’t work.  


Don’t worry…. I didn’t decide to go be productive. I went on Pinterest and Instagram and watched Friends. 


range is so, so delicious.  highly recommend it. 





I got the Lululemon Sweatshirt I had talked about last week and let me tell ya,


 it is softer than a baby’s bottom.  and just as cute. 

looking hawt like the model.  obviously. 
 I was having a KILLER hair day (for me) on Sunday afternoon, 
so I’m really glad my teddy bear, Sugar, and husband were the only ones around to see it.  


Sugar assured me it was definitely a hot hair day for me.  


Howeverrrrr, this is what Sugar looked like when we woke up Sunday morning


I assure you no staging was had.


So I think he may have been a little hungover and not quite with it. 








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fashion, Lifestyle

weekend shopping :: steals + deals

:: weekend  lusts :: 
first c. wonder announces they are closing shop and now piperlime.
THIS IS A TRAVESTY PEOPLE.
I am seriously so devastated about Piperlime.  They are my #1 favorite online site to shop.  ughhhh. 

some lusts for the weekend…. 
// floral pencil skirt //  floral dress // embellished flats // 


this is not a steal. or a deal.
but Why GOD Why!!!! 

// floral dress //
ughhhhh I just know it would fit like a dreammmmm. 


Gap is offering $50 off a purchase of $100+ today only! Use code 24HR online! 

// colorblock sweater // trench coat (also in navy!) // striped dress //


and some random little picks : 



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coffee talk, Lifestyle

coffee talk

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

:: The Bachelor :: 
I for one totally appreciated Jimmy Kimmel’s jokes about polygamy, sex with everyone and this television show.  Still completely clueless as to why ABC thought this was a good idea, especially because we heard Chris’s less than masculine laugh 97 times, but I loved it. 

ONE ON ONE DATE : Kaitlyn at Costco.

Kaitlyn could NOT be less excited about Costco as their date. 
 um, I would be THRILLED.  Do you know how much a Costco runs cost? Of course you don’t! You are like 18 years old; you don’t grocery shop! AND they probably used your professional Bachelor headshot on your Costco card for you so you look amazing……. everyone else walks into Costco looking like its their first time seeing daylight after a night of binge drinking and late night mexican and they couldn’t find a hairbrush, thought their makeup from the night before still looked decent enough, and a puffy coat would cover their jammies ……. 

…….oh wait….. thats just me? oh. 


Chris is a moron. or a man with a penis.  Same thing. 
 because here is his response to the day date at Costco: “I don’t know a girl that could handle this date with such class!”
CHRIS. SHE IS WEARING A WHITE CROP TOP, A BUFFALO CHECK MENS BUTTON DOWN TIED AROUND HER WAIST, AND SHE IS MAKING OUT WITH YOU WHILE ROLLING AROUND IN AN INFLATABLE BALL.
AND FOR PETE’S SAKE KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE DAMN LIPSTICK. 

Group Date: Milking animals and making people drink the goats milk and all kinds of stupid stuff. 

ABC. SERIOUSLY.  ENOUGH W THE SEXUALITY. airing comments of
“it tasted salty and warm…..not something I want in my mouth” 
is REPULSIVE.  Your mothers should slap you, ABC Producers. GEEZ. 
Lock it up!

Kale’s Mom on group date : “Wait remember when we kissed ? Why are you kissing everyone else?”
Good Lord, Go back to the play group Kale’s Mom!!   
All Kale’s Mom does is follow around the Promiscuous-Virgin with the hideous Princess Belly Ring. 
Seriously…. it’s all she does. She had got to be 16. I think she lied on her Bachelor application. 
and as MTV has shown us, 16 year olds CAN have babies. 
 I’m crying foul – she’s totally a teen. 


GIRLS ON GROUP DATE : THE LIPSTICK ON THIS DATE IS UNBEARABLE TOO

only positive from group date : the chiropractor assistant, Becca, is adorable.
I miss seeing crazy pants this episode.
oh BUT WAIT.  chris OF COURSE gave her a rose so we’ll have her back for next week.
ONE ON ONE DATE : FERTILITY NURSE

I really love the fertility nurse girl.  She is cute and sweet and nice and normal and way too much personality for boring Prince Farming.  She seems to be one of the only good girls on here, so we will pretend her voice is TOTALLY FINE.  What voice? I didn’t even notice. Totally fine. 

FINAL DAY :: BACK AT THE WHORE HOUSE
Favorite line of the night :: Promiscuous-VIrgin crying to Kale’s mom when Chris Harrison says there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony 
“WHAT????!!! I  was so excited to do my Kardashian look tonight!!!?? And Now!?? Ugh….”  
She is seriously DE-VA-STATED. 
Ya hear that Chris ? Your perfect farmer dream girl!!!! 
annnnnnnnd of course there’s a rose for Promiscuous-Virgin-Belly-Button-Girl.

oh, and for those that don’t watch that are still reading and wondering,
they blurred the cross fit girls nether regions this entire episode AGAIN. (inset emoji of monkey covering its eyes with its hands) 
 I did not laugh and shriek at all when they blurred it out whilst she jumped over a fence.  I did not.  Because this is awful that they are doing this to her on national TV.  so I swear….. I didn’t laugh and rewind.  Nope. 
:: RHOBH :: 
WOAH.  things are getting REAL on RHOBH
but first….. check out 18 (gifs) Reasons Lisa Rinna Is The Best Part of RHOBH on buzzfeed
because, well, she is. and you know it. 
This week, before kim goes a little bonkers, 
they all go wine tasting with kim.  because clearly thats what friends do with their friends that are addicts. 

not cool girls. not cool.  just planning a whole afternoon of wine tasting with even a pregnant woman would be cruel and unusual punishment, but for a recovering addict? ummmmm yeah. nice one ladies. 

so THEN the episode proceeds to show Kim out of her mind whack a doodle, clearly on something in the car with Lisa Rinna…. bless her Heart, Lisa tries to handle it as best she can when inside she is thinking what we all are
it was…. uh….. an interesting ride. 
as in….. the old Kim was back…. 
the old Kim we all missed but we can’t say that because we want a healthy sober Kim but lets be honest Kim is boring as hell and has no story line except for when she is crazy off her rocker I love Turtles lushable Kim. 
no but seriously…. her ex-husband apparently gave her pain killers/pills and she took them before the poker party.
Kimmmmmmmmm. noooooo. it was painful to watch.  and INFURIATING to watch BRANDI of all people sit there and act like she is totes there for Kim and knows what she’s going through.
really? are you a recovering addict whose dying ex husband is living with her?
Brandi, being a bad drunk who drinks like a fish and insists its totally normal is not the same thing as a recovering addict but nice try. 
in between being all bitchy and acting like she is Kim’s AA advocate,  Brandi makes inappropriately sexual comments about eileens husband.  Eileen has got to be so DONE with this group. at least Brandi.  I don’t know how she restrains herself around her. 
Im recapping way too much right now and annoying myself. 
SO kim tries to leave and kyle is asking to talk to her and Brandi puts herself in between the two of them and shoves 5 foot nothing Kyle.  
hey brandi – you don’t step in between two sisters. ya just don’t.  
add this to the list of 19 zillion things brandi needs to learn. 
but lets focus on the important things : 
the saddest thing about all of this is that because of Brandi shoving Kyle, THE PIZZA FLIES ONTO THE FLOOR. 
I saw the pizza flying in slow-motion, I swear, and my face was saying “NOOOOOO!!! The recovery car ride home treats are the best part!!!”
if I were Kim I would have gotten in the car to leave and been like “THE REAL TRAVESTY HERE IS THE FACT THAT I NO LONGER HAVE PIZZA PEOPLE! SCREW YOU!”  

anyways I want to make way more comments about this but I am torn between rock and hard place about jokes and mocking sobriety.
but lets be honest, the only fun thing sober kim has done on camera was make that damn chicken salad on prom night.

pah-reah you know you were DYING watching her make that chicken salad. 

but BRANDI NEEDS TO GO.  I am real, real sick of her.
(I hope you’re listening My Boyfriend Andy Cohen!) 

speaking of Brandi, are any of you watching Celebrity Apprentice?
because HOLY GERALDO.

that man is the most obnoxious thing I’ve ever seen and he is absolutely insane.  and damn he and half these people are so egotistical. 

second runner up : clearly Kate.  who wants to ever see that face and hear her voice? who? WHO?????? 
:: vanderpump rules :: 
I can’t wrap my finger around it, but I just don’t have enough energy to bitch about this show.  Because every scene I have something to bitch about.  So I’ll pick my favorite, which is technically from last week in Miami on the Bach Weekend. 
Jason Cauchi
Jax Taylor totally hooked up with that guy in miami when he lived with him when he was  young and starting out in modeling and the whole thing is so painful to watch.
on WWHL, my boyfriend Andy Cohen polled the audience and 96% said that YES Jax hooked up with him. 

my favorite line :
old model agent guy about naked photo of jax : 
 “oh yeah…. I think I still have that print hanging in my apartment?? “
Oh….. Yeah….Maybe???? 
 I just FORGOT about a HUGE NAKED PHOTO of someone hanging in my place until just now, he says nonchalantly.

:: jackhole of the week :: 
ME.
 for trying to google to use that picture that is hanging on the model agents wall in this post.
DO NOT EVER GOOGLE WHAT I GOOGLED.
just because they showed it 97 times on the show does NOT mean that will be what comes up in the search bar.  no sir. 

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.


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health, Lifestyle

I like the way you work it.

a lot of you asked for some posts about fitness shtuff in the survey,
and I’m happy to oblige because I love reading health + fitness websites/pinterest links and seeing what workout stuff works from other people.
pah-reach. 
I think we all can agree with the statement above. 
Ugh, but life sucks and unfortunately chewing doesn’t burn as many cals as it needs to. 
WHY GOD? WHYYYYYYY? 

Today I really only want to share the one and only thing that works for me above everything else
 and the one thing I am DAMN GOOD at. 
WATCHING TV.
I promise I am talking about working out here people. 
About 5 years ago is when I “fell in love” with working out.
The thing is…. I don’t love working out at all…. but I somehow think that I do, my family thinks I do, and my friends think I do. 

here’s the trick: I started working out and watching my shows on DVR.
 and bam, a workout lover was born.
see…. Im not as dumb as I look…. or sound…. or act…… 
 I watch my shows from the night before, or wait at least 20 minutes into a show airing before hitting play.
Yes, I am that lazy that I lose all motivation if I have to sit through the commercials…. I’ll convince myself Im tired and stop.  That is in no way surprising to you all Im sure.
Anyways….. I now associate working out as one of my favorite things and my me time and what I look forward to because I obviously am ALWAYS looking forward to watching what I have saved on my DVR.  If you have time for TV, you have time to workout.  I combine them so that I have no choice in the matter and I love it.

Even if its only laying on the floor and doing abs, do it.  For 10 minutes while I watch TV and laugh my head off at my boyfriend Andy Cohen, I do it.  I will always make time for TV, so I always make time to work out.  Very rarely do I skip two days in a row of doing at least SOMETHING.  Even if my plan is just 15 minutes, if the show keeps going, I usually do too.  And an hour long program once you fast forward through commercials is 45 minutes, so its the perfect amount of time if you are able to


Do I want to go for a run? 
Um, am I being chased?? Hell No!? 
Do I want to go to the gym and have people stare and judge while I do my thang? Uh. No.
For me, gyms are unnecessary.  I use my laptop for almost everything.  I set it up on the floor, grab a yoga mat, a couple hand weights. and MY BFF MY REMOTE CONTROL.  YouTube is all you need for incredible + free workouts (and I pay for Tracy Anderson DVDs at times, but if you search on YouTube you can find pretty much everything she hason there.  Whenever I link to my favorite workouts in posts they get taken down by YouTube, so just get on there and search and trust me you’ll find awesome stuff.  Also, Tone It Up’s workouts are a favorite). 
so….. the things I am not good at : the eating.  but we’ll discuss that another week because right now I’m all high on talking about TV and stuff.  
the best things for disguising the eating and feeling good when working out? 
cute workout clothes. 
everyone has STRONG opinions about Lululemon, and for the most part, I agree with all of them.  But I have a firm stance that TWO items and only TWO need to be purhcased : a pair of black leggings or pants, and a long sleeve top or hoodie or zippie.  One for the top and one for the bottom.
I have worn the same pair of their pants for OVER FIVE YEARS, MULTIPLE TIMES PER WEEK, EVERY WEEK and they are still PERFECT.  its the only pair of pants I have from them because theres no need for a new pair STILL.  (well…. my husband would say otherwise, but what does he know?! he wears the same gingham button down 97 times in a row and I don’t make a peep).  I hate the price too, but good lord I have never in my life loved an article of clothing more, worn it more, or had it last as long.  
and the hoodies or long sleeve tops….. you’ll live in them.
for everything else : go cheap.  I go to Marshalls or TJMaxx theres always TONS of stuff to choose from (especially cute sports bras). 

my favorite zippies are below. 
one of my best friends was wearing the last one the last time I saw her and let me tell ya something, for under $100 I am sprinting to find that thing and buy it and live in it for the next 10 years of my life.  
I am totally “bitch stealing her look” and buying the one below that my friend has.
the time has come……. I’ve lasted 3 years without buying one (the one I live in was a gift) and dammit I deserve it! 

also, h&m has really, really cute and crazy inexpensive adorable workout clothes to motivate ya.  like this tank for $9. 95!!! 


// h&m tank //

anyways, the worlds greatest workout friend : your TV.
 TRY IT. 
some of you may be thinking this is the stupidest thing to ever read, but don’t knock it til you try it.  the next episode of WWHL or Real Housewives, lay on the floor do a 20 minute workout video and when your done you’ll think it was the easiest thing you ever did. AND its free. soooooooo YEAH. 
and everyone knows working out is only, like, 15 or 20% of the battle and eating is the other 80%…… soooooo I’m screwed on the 80 but I’m KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES with the rest.  its the little things, people. 
and if you need motivation, do what every trainer tells you NOT to do that I do all the time?  use food as motivation. 
I’ll do anything for fries.  even workout. 

what are your favorite workouts??!! what are your tricks??!! 


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