The Sarcastic Blonde

friday things

February 6, 2015

:: little things for friday ::

I just discovered History in High Heels Etsy shop and can’t wait to get my hands on some adorable prints for the guest room/my closet/throw everything and close the door room.

by now, I know we’ve all seen the Saved By The Bell reunion on Jimmy Fallon.

so damn good.

it is crazy how all of them, but really AC Slater, look EXACTLY the same.

~~same with Mr. Belding, right?~~

I saw a mcd’s commercial where they are zooming in on the burger and saying

this is not greek yogurt

and this is not kale

and I’m like HELL YEAH MCD’S YOU TELL THOSE SKINNY BITCHES THEY ARE GOING TO BE SPLURGING ON YOU SO SOON.

speaking of McDonald’s,
I got some cute workout additions from Marshalls.
They had blue + white striped cropped workout leggings!!

I mean, HOW COULD I NOT!!?? aren’t they so cute!?

there’s been lots of chat about the latest SI Swimsuit Cover
~~don’t judge~~ judge, I always buy it every year

I just don’t understand what is going on in this picture.
That is liiiiiiiiiike…… (as they say on girlfriends guide to divorce) the vah-jean.
How are you allowed to show that much of a hoo-ha on a COVER that sits out in front of shelves for anyone to see????

thank the Lord this week is over.
it was so cold and so much snow and so much “WHO DO I LIVE HERE” that I’m ready to curl up with my favorite blanket and stay indoors as much as possible until Monday.

PAH – REACH.

coffee talk, Lifestyle

Coffee Talk

February 5, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: The Bachelor ::

I don’t want to sound all Chris-Harrison with his annoying THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER

but this cast, and Mondays episode, was THE CRAZIEST BACHELOR EPISODE EVER.

seriously. THE craziest. and possibly most amazing.

and I have seen every single episode of every. single. season.

{cut to me desperately needing to get a life…. since 2002. I mean…..}

princess-belly-button-ring-virgin-wannabe-KimKardashian summed the episode up best when she desperately cried “It’s a battle of who’s tragic story is worse!”

she goes on to tearily and angrily state that her own story is basically nothing compared to the girl who’s husband dieds story is so good!!!!

THIS EPISODE IS SO F’ED UP.

but I’m getting a head of myself……….

these girls are dumb as rocks.

the gang travels to new mexico, which Megan (total lush at all hours of every day on every episode…… #jealous) goes on and on to explain to us is out of the country, filled with sandy beaches, people all over wearing sombreros, and possibly was founded before old mexico, but she’s not sure on that last one so don’t quote her on that old-vs-new thing.

The first date with Carly is with a weird heavy-breathing/sex guru and its just painful and awful and horrible to watch.

thats all I’m even saying about it because frankly I’m still trying to get over it.
and then there was more BS “this is my story” crap that just gets really embarrassing to watch and I want to yell through the TV to them “DONT DO THIS ON TV! HE DOESNT NEED TO KNOW THIS ON YOUR FIRST DATE!”

The group date is white water rafting -aka- every girls dream. Especially all these lipstick and mascara girls dreams.
{editors note: if I were on this show, I would be fuming inside. you leave your job for all of these awful dates – camping, white water rafting, costco?? I’d be like ummmm when is the trip to europe and tahiti coming because I volunteered to be ridiculed by america so I at least should get some free trips out of it people.}

Jade, the shy quiet secret playboy playmate, falls into the rapids.

Uh oh!! Jade has a cold disorder losing circulation + getting hypothermia when she’s cold….

normally I would not make fun of this “medical condition”, however,

HOW COLD ARE YOU WHEN YOURE NAKED!!

And I used the watch The Girls Next Door on E! when they would show the playboy photo shoots….they do things to make sure your…. COLD….so that the ladies stay alert…. Soooooo riddle me that JADE?!

Later that night ~~on the boring group date you can fast forward through entirely~~, Jameson-to-the-face Jordan comes back.

Then she leaves. The girls are all “OMG NO FAIR” blah blah who cares.

Britt gets the one on one date.
she gets woken up at 4 am by chris!

We learn she has a feat of heights, so, like every season of the history of the show, she gets the heights date!

We also learn she has a fear of showers and razors.

I hear ya Britt…. I hate it. But we’re grown ups. We all have to do it.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE ON TV.

The fear extends to face wash : she sleeps w lipstick and glitter shadow on her face.

I MEAN REALLY. THE LIPSTICK. IM DYING THIS SEASON.

so then we get to main cray-cray of the show.

Kelsey, the young widow.

Now…. this girls “storyline” for the show you would think would imply she is one of the nice girls with a horrible past…. or at least that would be how ABC would portray her.

But. Eh. No.

The girls are so crazy this season that they have to go to Plan B when their “nice widow” portrayal gets blown to crap by the fact that she is A MEANIE AND A CRAZY.

And sure, she will say/people will say its the way the producers edited her.

WATCH THIS VIDEO IF YOU DONT EVEN WATCH THE SHOW.

“Isn’t my story amazing.”
and then SHE KISSES HIM.

I’m sorry….. there was no other way to edit it…. I am disgusted by her behavior and words.

Even her speech and the way she talks is so affected when she’s talking to him.

It was so much to handle that ABC didn’t even have the rose ceremony in the episode, it was to be continued because they crazy-pants-kelsey has a panic attack and is crying and lord only knows what. stay tuneddddddd.

So, tell me gals, WHAT are we thinking with the latest with Bruce Jenner?
Are they really going to air all of this on their show?
I feel like the poor thing just wants to be left alone and Kris is still dragging everything onto the damn TV Screen!!!! I mean, honestly, who are the awful people that watch programs like that anyway???
(cough……)

do you know the only thing I’m looking at in that picture?
yep. the 17 year olds lips. good lord.

:: RHOBH ::

Kim is off her rocker. For real.

We pick up where the driveway-fight and Kim going to the hospital after pain pills leads off.

Brandi is talking to Kim and when Kim says Kyle was by to check on her earlier that day, Brandi gets jealous-ex-boyfriend face and it is truly alarming.

Why is she obsessed with destroying sisters relationship? I just don’t get it.

Kim decides DUH! When there was just a huge, out of control fight the last time the two were together, that she should TOTALLY bring uninvited Brandi to Kyle’s party without so much as a single text as a kind warning of her awful, selfish, crazy idea.

When they are in the car on the way to this “what could go wrong?” surprise,

Kim says the following to Brandi :

“That’s why things go very well for you Brandi…. because you have a very big heart and you want people to do well.”
Um.
{long pause}
{long pause continues}
{clearly pills were taken tonight too if those words just came out of her mouth}

on an unrelated note, I LOVE Kim’s white jumpsuit.
Looking BANGIN.
But I think Kim is trusting Brandi a little too much and possibly trusting her plastic surgeon (ALARM! ALARM!) because her face is looking awfully….. well…. changed like Brandi’s. And we know that is not in a good way.

I wanted to reach through the TV and shake Kyle!
Do NOT stoop so low as to even TRY with Brandi because she gets you all riled up and you only look bad yourself. I mean…. watch your F bombs! SO many F bombs.

Don’t bother with that trash!

Brandi, who as Kim reminded us, has a very big heart and wants people to do well, tells Kyle “You’re not wanted…..ask your F’ing husband.”
yeahhhhh.
but apparently Kim didn’t hear her because she’s busy puffin THE E CIG!!!

THE E CIG RETURNS TO RHOBH!!!!!
and they barely even gave that glorious moment the air time it deserved!

damn you Bravo!!!!

apparently Lance Armstrong is still as big of a lying ass as he was before

and he let his girlfriend take the fall for his DUI.
well done, lance. quite the gentleman.

UM THERE ARE COMMERCIALS FOR SOUTHERN CHARM COMING BACK!
theres no way it’ll end as amazingly as last season (a surprise pregnancy between 50 year old and 24 year old can’t really happen again) but I cannot wait.

am I the only one that is like
“WTF is this riri, kanye, paul mccartney thing?”
like…… what?

jackhole of the week :
katie. and tom schwartz. and kristen.
I mean….. ALL of them.
but seriously katie….. tom just keeps cheating and you have ZERO reaction at all?
HONESTLY. GAWD.
I love that stassi had ZERO air time this week.

katie looked really, really pretty…… and then her pink leopard bra kept showing in her dress THE WHOLE TIME.

oh wait…. I want to give the full jackhole to tom because of him in general,
but especially his hair on WWHL.
and way to totally lie about “being pre-med”.

all of zero people believed that lie anyway tom.

hokay, thats all for today. BYE TRICK.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

wishlist wednesday

February 4, 2015

valentine’s day inspired lusts for the week……

want it. need it. have to have it.

can’t handle it.

// dress //

the following are not paired together as “outfits” to be worn together.

unless a dress paired with rain boots or a sleep mask is your jam. then touché lady.

one // two // three

one // two (my all time favorite scent! perfectly travel sized)// three // four

one // two // three

I don’t know what my Valentine’s plans will be,
but I don’t even think I am capable of displaying my love so deeply and kindly as doing something like what is mentioned below.

I mean…… me choosing to watch Alaska The Last Frontier, Yukon Men, and FINDING BIG FOOT???
THAT is a love I just don’t think I have ~~in my heart of ice.~~

Lifestyle, recipe

:: crack of the week ::

February 3, 2015

the skinnytaste cookbook strikes again!

I’ll also share what I made for the super bowl which was NOT on the healthy scale but definitely on the crack scale.

for sunday dinner last week, my husband made steaks

and I thought it was the perfect time to finally try cauliflower “mashed potatoes”.

these were so delicious; I don’t know why I waited so long to make them.

and I got to use my immersion blender which was super-lame-housewife-fun.

kip could not get enough of them. kip never eats anything, at home or at a nice restaurant or anything in between, and ever says something is really good (it’s so weird. food does not excite him AT ALL and it is MIND BOGGLING) but he shockingly had nice words for this side dish.

well, that or he is getting much better at the lying husband to please the wife role.

probs a bit of both.

but well down, cheesy cauliflower mash, well done.

:: Cheesy Cauliflower “Mash” ::

recipe via skinnytaste cookbook

see what I did there? I matched my food to my (wrinkly) hand towel.

like matching my eye shadow to my outfit. which is a no-no. but what the hell.

1 large head (7 cups) cauliflower, cut into florets

4 garlic cloves, crushed

1/3 cup 1% buttermilk

1 tablespoon unsalted whipped butter

3/4 teaspoon salt

freshly cracked black pepper

1 tablespoon fine chopped fresh chives

1/3 cup shredded reduced fat cheddar cheese

Bring a large pot of water to a boil.

Add the cauliflower and garlic, and cook until cauliflower is soft (about 15-20 minutes).

Drain and return the vegetables to the pot.

Add the buttermilk, butter, salt, and black pepper to taste.

Using an immersion blender (or a regular blender) puree the cauliflower.

Stir in the chives and cheddar and serve hot.

goes wonderfully with steak and a side salad!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

For some UN-healthy crack of the week,

for the super bowl, I went with an easy perfect go to (make in the morning, bake that night for game).

Hawaiin Ham and Cheese Sliders.

every single one disappeared. they are SO GOOD. ugh. I’m drooling thinking about them all over again. I’m sure a lot of you have made these before or had them, there are a ton of recipes all with slightly different tweaks, but if you haven’t, get on it stat!

:: Hawaiian Ham and Cheese Sliders ::

image and adapted recipe

I make them in the morning, and refrigerate until party time.

1 package King’s Hawaiian Rolls (24 rolls)

1 pound deli ham

1 pound Swiss cheese

2 sticks butter

3 tablespoons Dijon mustard

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

3 teaspoons poppy seeds

1 onion, diced

Melt the butter and mix in mustard, Worcestershire sauce, poppy seeds, and onion. Simmer until the onions become translucent about 5 minutes. Cut the entire package of rolls in half. Do not separate them, keep them intact. (To keep things cleaner and simpler, I line the pan with aluminum foil, spray that, and place the rolls inside the tin foil lined pan) . Place the bottom half of the rolls in the prepared pan and spread with half of the onion mixture. Layer the ham and cheese over the onion mixture. Cover completely from edge to edge. Replace the tops of the rolls and spread the remaining onion mixture evenly over the surface.

Cover pan loosely with aluminum foil that has been lightly sprayed with non-stick spray. Place in the refrigerator for at least 4 hours or up to 24 hours (the rolls will absorb the butter mustard sauce as they sit). When you are ready to serve. Remove rolls from the refrigerator and heat oven to 350°F. When the oven in hot, place the covered pan in the oven for 10 minutes. Remove foil and bake uncovered for another 10 – 15 minutes, or until tops are light golden and slightly crisp. Transfer rolls onto a cutting board, cut and serve.

watch everyone eat their brains out.

Lifestyle

:: monogram monday ::

February 2, 2015

hope you all had a great weekend!

the Super Bowl & some serious snow made for a lazy, food coma sunday.

katy perry KILLED IT.

john mayer must have been dyyyying.

images

am I the only one that was thinking

da na na, the more you know!

(like the NBC “the more you know commercials” when she was riding that shooting star?? bueller??)

but she was seriously so incredible that our group (men included) watched part of it twice..

the dancing sharks were a serious highlight. the whole thing was amazing.

:: MONOGRAM MONDAY ::

I haven’t done a monogram monday post in awhile and wanted to share my favorite jewelry that I have had on repeat since Christmas.

my sweet husband got me monogrammed earrings with my new married monogram for christmas.

(Guess what I got him!!?? Nothing. Wife of the year over here. We usually don’t do gifts. Ugh I am seriously the WORST.)

I could go on and on and ON about how much I love these earrings.

They are the perfect size : small and delicate but still adequate enough where you can see the lettering when you read it.

I LOVE THEM.

and I’ve been obnoxiously wearing them with my monogrammed necklace and sunglasses ever since.

moon and lola earrings

mine are clearly NOT the size in the site’s photo

the site happens to be doing an incredible valentine’s day sale! and 15% off your first order!

so tell your husband and/or boyfriend and/or reflection in the mirror,

THAT YOU DESERVE IT. and treat yo-self.

coffee talk, Lifestyle

coffee talk

January 29, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

UMMMM one ofmy most favorite movies ever is becoming a series on Netflix and the first teaser was released

Wet Hot American Summer.
and kristin wiig + everyone amazing is rumored to be joining.
OOOOOOOOOMG

I CANT WAIT UNTIL SUMMER 2015.

:: the bachelor ::

group camping date:

watching this group of girls go “au natural” is hilarious.

princess-jasmine-belly-button-ring-virgin has red lipstick on with false lashes from sun up to sun down. when I’m going camping I always make sure I have my most offensive lipstick in tow too. we all do it?

these women could not be worse matches for this man. its like ABC wants to INCREASE its failure percentage.

kelsey, widowed young lady who seems like a nice, normal, character for the show

comes out of the closet as a secret BEYOTCH and is miserable and two faced the whole time.

reason I don’t want to be friends with kelsey : she starts complaining about the quality of the lake and saying it can’t hold a candle to lake michigan.

um, OK? what? I don’t ever feel the desire to call someone a loser and thats just the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.

“This is so annoying this lake is like, uh, the midwest lake is so much better.”

OMG you are such a DUD. Can’t you just be happy you are getting free food and drinks and temporary leave from a 9-5 job like a NORMAL person?! Ughhhh.

That two faced laugh of hers was THE WORST.

UMMMMMM sweet little innocent jade is NOT innocent.

I literally JUST got off the phone with my mother re-hashing monday’s episode and I am EATING MY WORDS about shy quiet blending in with the crowd jade.

because I just saw Jade’s lady bits and everything else when she was POSING NUDE FOR PLAYBOY.

WTF?!?!

Jade you need to be an actress because damn you fooled me!!!!

ummmm a “clothing model” turned make up person.

to see the image, go to Jason Biggs Twitter page. I’m too embarrassed to even link it because

THERE ARE NO CLOTHES IN THE PICTURE. not like a ton of the other bachelor ladies who always have bikini pics or embarrassing pics, this is STRAIGHT UP NEKKED.

let me just say, the pornish heels and robe paired with the bikini and making out on the bed is making a whole lot more sense now.

Princess-Jasmine-Belly-Button-Ring is so mad that she didn’t get the princess date because HELLO! She’s a princess that is her DREAM!!! Chris should know this and pick her!!!

so she dresses in her princess gown and pouts and cries in the corner while Kale’s Mom sits there and idolizes her for the entire episode just like last week and the week before.

I’m beginning to think Kale’s Mom is trying to steal Princess-Jasmine-Belly-Ring’s virginity. It is disturbing.

THESE ARE TOP PICKS FOR LADIES, ABC. TOP PICKS.

Chris and Body Builder/Mystery Blurred Bikini Bottom’s Girl have THE WORST (read: GREAT) date ever.

there are some very, very masculine qualities going on here.

Chris wants to know where she sees herself in 5 years and she responds angrily and annoyed like “Ugh how can I know this is so stupid how could anyone know 5 years I hate when people ask me that question like I don’t know watch me kiss my arm muscles again like on the obstacle course thats way more interesting”.

She thinks the date is going great.

I mean how can she not??? What guy wouldn’t want this conversation on his first date :

“So like would you rather have sex with like a nasty nasty homeless lady…hahaha… like….. a nasty homeless lady or abstain for like 5 years?!?! hahaha”

WHAT??????????

if this were a girls night we would TOTALLY be asking each other things like this but we are class ladies who would never ask such inappropriate things on national tv or on a first date thank you very much.

Crazy Pants got sent home and I’m devastated.

I knew it could only last so long…. but damn. she was taken too soon.

:: RHOBH ::

Brandi is such a B-word.

I can’t even handle her in the driveway of this poker party continuing a fight.

the thing that aggravates me the most is that kim and kyle aren’t even fighting with each other?! I mean, are they fighting?? kyle is just trying to talk to her and yelling ensues because of brandi getting all up in everyones biznass and throwing her body in-between them. there was literally no argument between the sisters, just brandi being the biggest pain in the ass EVER.

um, okay, yeah brandi….. kyle is “jealous”. uh huh. thats it.

I’m “eh she’s fine” on Eileen until she blatantly just calls Brandi out on everything on the spot. I luve it.

Eileen to Brandi when she’s like ‘Look at the 1 mm scratch on my wrist from Kyle’s bracelet!!! She attacked me!!’

Eileen “how about a little neosporine. get a grip.”

PAH-REACH

except the part when she confronts Brandi for the “American Gothic” home decor commentary from poker at the jewelry party was just stupid.

I love me some Yolanda.

Next up is Lisa Rinna’s jewelry party.

All the ladies are dressed for a 9 PM downtown cocktail party and she shows up in her white jeans and top + tied cardigan over the shoulders looking ~~appropriately for an afternoon backyard jewelry party~~ LIKE A BOSS.

Yolanda walks in and talks about how beautiful Lisa Rinna’s home is like a true lady should.

Then she verbally puts Brandi in her place “if she wants me to stop mothering her she should stop acting like a child”

I just used PREACH but I wanna use it again #sorryimnotsorry PAH-REACH

um, what was lisa vanderpump thinking walking up to denise richards and upon being introduced having the first words be “Weren’t you married to charlie sheen?”

did you see denise’s face?

my god lisa. for real.

following it up with the lame joke about the bentleys (haha were so rich) was NOT funny and you can tell denise was NOT AMUSED.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::

WWHL after Real Housewives had Eileen and Whitney Cummings.
Whitney Cummings was ANNOYING AS HELL.
what was going on with the witch cackle and moving her body all over the place and staring at herself in the camera monitor being desperate for nonstop attention.