The Sarcastic Blonde

:: friday things and link love ::

February 13, 2015

via
YAY we made it to FRIDAY!

:: rant of the week ::
i just have to……. ~~sorry I’m not sorry….~~

my car has been in the shop for 7 days and I have been basically car-less for two weeks. last week we had the snowmageddon that kicked off on super bowl sunday. soooo no driving for me, and of course there was work with 20 inches of snow. duh. I had work last january in -42 wind chills so of course we have work this is nothing (seriously. i’ve been here almost seven years and I throw my hands in the air like “for real? this should be illegal!!! how can they force people to leave their homes? what if I die on the way to the office?” I’m a very calm, rational person you see…..)

ANYWAYS.

~~I was able to~~ my sweet husband was able to dig my car out for me on wednesday night ~~so that I could go to athenian room for gossip and greek fries with the girls~~, but come thursday morning for work it wouldn’t start. BASTARD. then it didn’t start friday. AAA came (6 hours after we called. thanks a lot.) last Saturday and towed it to the dealership where it has been for a week.

ps. it started the second the AAA guy got there.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. THROW ME A FREAKIN BONE.

but we towed it anyways because clearly the thing is pissed at me and does NOT want to be near me.

we’re like um, so, whats wrong with it? they keep being like errrrrrm I’m not sure.” then “it’s __(i don’t know what my husband tells me; it makes no sense)___ and its going to cost $6,000.”

ha. good one. try again because NO.
so now they say that what happened is something malfunction from turning the car on when it is too cold outside and it shattering something or other (trust me… that is me remembering a lot from what Kip said…. in my opinion).
I’m losing my damn mind.

ANYWAYS.

point being, for everyone that says you don’t need a car in chicago, I say to you : you spew lies. YES YOU DO. what am I supposed to do today? WALK to the grocery store in BELOW ZERO wind chills and carry the 40 pounds of crap I buy every week home!? HELL TO THE NAH. I don’t have muscles like that!!?? I have toned, delicate, lady like arms that are meant for carrying a cute handbag and a bottle of wine. Or at most and in rare emergencies a case of booze but that IS IT.

everyone that doesn’t have a car uses a friends car or pays a crap ton of money on uber or zipcar.

if I were single right now, I would be at the bars looking for a man just so I could be like “heyyyyy can I use your car tomorrow to hit up Trader Joe’s and Jewel and CVS? they’ve texted me everyday that my prescription is ready but I mean… I can’t WALK there its too cold.”

sure…. I’ll walk anywhere in the summer and take the el. I love it. I’m like “UGH DONT YOU JUST LOVE CHICAGO! LOOK AT ME! INDEPENDENT WOMAN TAKING THE EL EVERYWHERE!”

but not in february.

oh wait…. I forgot about Target…. and the dry cleaners….. and everything….

never mind I need a car full time, year round, all the time ,all day erry-day.

oh… did I share that my drive to work is less than 5 minutes? and that taking the El from my place to the office is so easy and fast its scary? don’t judge…. you don’t understand…

seriously JUST NOT THIS MONTH. IT’S TOO DAMN COLD I NEED A CAR.

are you still reading? bless you.

If I see one more commercial for 50 Shades I may lose my damn mind.
my girlfriend and I have plans to grab dinner and see it next week one night, but we can’t figure out if we are too embarrassed to go see it in theaters. I meannnnn I read the book.
I’m loving dakota johnsons dress for (one of the 97) premieres

I am going to my first Pure Barre class with a girlfriend Saturday morning.
AH. I’M SCARED. wish me luck.

any results will quickly be ruined afterwards because it is
followed by valentine’s day brunch
and then a valentine’s night feast with the hubs.

nordstroms catalogue arrived and left me drooling.
I’ve been good all month with no shopping…… why must they tempt me!
this jacket is super close to my favorite old canvas jacket from piperlime that I live in during the spring and fall, and the under $100 price tag can’t be beat.

// canvas jacket // striped tunic //
my three must haves from the catalogue : gorgeous trench coat for a fraction of club monaco’s identical version, the cutest handbag in three color options – who needs celine when you have this, and the blouse I want to wear all spring and summer with a million print options.

:: LINK LOVE ::

1. fads of our childhood that need to make a comeback (link)

featuring, where is sisqo? I bet my life you are singing the song in your head now just like me and thinking “damn I really do miss him!!”

2. princess-jasmine-belly-button-ring interview with People Mag after her departure from the show (link)

3. I meant to comment on this in yesterday coffee talk, but even for giuliana, this is getting seriously scary and gross. E! should be ashamed of themselves for having this be the female face of their channel.

4. 75 year old man tackles shoplifter and threatens to break his arm (god love him) (link)

5. um. j-woww got post baby boob job and says this looks “soft and natural” (link)

6. hundreds attend funeral for police dog gunned down in line of duty (crying) (link)

coffee talk, Lifestyle

coffee talk

February 12, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves……..

there aren’t many images or gifs this week….

I got a late start (even for me) and can barely keep my eyes open.
prepare for even more nonsensical run on sentences than usual 🙂

:: the bachelor ::

soooo…… Kale’s Mom got kicked off at the start of the episode. then two most obnoxious people on the show just went home. on the same date.

WTF is going to keep us entertained now???

damn you prince farming! damn you!

Widow-Crazy-Pants-Kelsey kicks off the episode with a staged panic attack interspersed with her creepy smile and laugh and then a whole ‘nother round of her psychotic behavior that ended last weeks episode.

the way she speaks is bone chilling. she needs to be locked up in a straight jacket.

Widow-Crazy-Pants knows why the girls don’t like her.

“I’m blessed with eloquence. I’m smart and I use big words.” Yeah. It’s not because you’re a giant bitch who is bat sh*t crazy. It’s the eloquence they don’t like.

There are two other dates on this episode, a one on one (beccas great -aka- run becca don’t pick him) and a group date (where they write songs and sing to him. ugh the things they make these people do) but who cares.

We care about the two on one.

Who would have thought we’d all be cheering for Kim-K-Belly-Ring-Princess-Jasmine to win against someone?

however, her make-up game was SERIOUSLY off for this date and I think she put it on in the dark. NOTHING is blended. Her face is about 12 different colors. She should be able to do that with her eyes closed considering how much she wears at all hours of the day, so I feel a little bad for her seeing what it looked like during the airing of it. (do you think she cried? and pouted like a 9 year old about it?? she never cries so thats a tough call…….)

Chris does the most OBNOXIOUS thing ever, proving he literally has nothing to talk about and is a total moron, and that he, too, acts like a high schooler much like many of his “eligible bachelorettes”.

He listens to what the one girl says about the other on their alone time, then goes and repeats it right away to Crazy Psycho Pants.

I~~‘m sorry but~~ even for a man, this dude is a DUMB. ASS.

(every time he would have to deal with confrontation he becomes such a woman. like when he walked Britt back in to the group date after DITCHING everyone for an hour without saying anything and is like ‘oh here britt they’re all going to evil eye you for an hour so see ya girls at the rose ceremony peace bye’)

KELSEY IS SO CRAZY. she stares at Princess Jasmine like a murdered after she hears what she said about her.

chris sends the false lashes and orangey brown makeup face home, and kelsey somehow becomes EVEN MORE SCARY pretending to be so distraught.

“it’s a loss…..”

WHAT????

and then boom she goes too. the girls do back handsprings and chug champagne to celebrate.

and I do still feel really bad for these girls…..

still no european vacation.

this week they were literally in the middle of nowhere (no kelsey, I had no idea what Badlands was either so princess-belly-button-ring-kardashian and I have something in common. yikes. ps. ashley has her masters??? whaaaat????) with a bed for the three of them. putting a bed and some pinot grigio in the middle of UGH still makes it UGH.

just a tipsy UGH.

at this point it’s like, whats next? because it can’t possibly be worse?

OH WAIT. it’s chris’ hometown. I lied. it gets worse.

take me back to the king size bed in the desert!

:: Celebrity Apprentice ::

I CANNOT HANDLE GERALDO

I CANNOT HANDLE IAN

I CANNOT. it is unreal.

I LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN.

:: RHOBH ::

Brandi summarizes her pathetic life goals this week.

and if she acts like she does everything for her kids one more time……. every moment she is on TV or on her “podcast” I cannot believe she has two young children that have her as their role model and caregiver. it makes me cringe.

but I digress…….

“Good attention or bad attention, it’s attention.”

spoken like a 3 year old
she says “My mom always said it doesn’t matter what they are saying about you as long as they’re talking. When they stop talking is when you should worry.”

I. CANT. WITH. HER.
and then later in the episode she follows it up with the antithesis of her “belief”.
she goes to Yolanda’s for yoga, and you know it doesn’t take long for that girl to ruin a moment of spirituality and calmness.

after insulting Yolanda about her daughter being an alcoholic

(well played Brandi, the only person left talking to you who is a good parent going through enough, call her kid an alcoholic!)
she gets frustrated about Yolanda trying to help her and she says

“Stop talking about it stop talking about me get a new subject.”

LITERALLY IF SHE COMES BACK NEXT SEASON I WILL SEND MY BOYFRIEND ANDY COHEN AN ANGRY EMAIL EVERY DAY.

nothing would make ALL OF US (I’m just speaking for everyone because I know its true) happier than her being gone, and nothing would make ME happier than knowing that would be the best revenge for all the horrible things she had said and done to everyone – no one giving a crap about her and taking her off the show.

PLEASE ANDY. PLEASE.

ok this is so random, but during RHOBH,
there was a commercial for olay with Katie Holmes, and it just came to me!

she was the original Half Smile Not Showing Any Teeth person.

and now its like everyone keeps doing it.

its so weird. leave the toothless smile to the Olsen Twins, because they will always be my childhood idols so they can just do whatever the hell they want, including marry 45 year old gross men I guess.

I mean they just look SO HAPPY, right?

I’m super sad about Brian Williams and feel really bad for him.
Never saw that coming. Yikes.

there’s so much to discuss with the kardashian/jenners that I don’t know where to start.

but first, I just learned something so repulsive.

I knew that the 17 year old kylie was dating Tyga or whoever he is. I just knew he was a rapper or hip hop artist or something.

someone just told me that HE IS 25 AND HAS A CHILD.

I meannnnnnnnnnn wow. even for kris jenner this is like…….. wow.

AND THEN of course the week everything goes media crazy about bruce and his sex change there is that fatal car accident.

:: vanderpump rules ::

the real stuff (crazy drunken antics and more trashy behavior) happens next week with round 2 of the wedding…..

but.

I’m sorry.

the custom designed by aunt dede crop top dress.

oh my.

thank God that Kristin was able to go to Sheana’s apartment to retrieve the budoir shoot album she had made as a wedding gift!!! that was SUCH a wedding crisis barely avoided!! what if Shay couldn’t have seen the nude lingerie photos on wedding night!?

huh!? then what?! what a way to start their marriage!!!!

ps. the font when I look at this is black then grey then black then grey?

am I hallucinating while trying to keep my eyes open or is it like that on your screens too?

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

wishlist wednesday

February 11, 2015

lusts for the week………

let’s kick it off with what I really need.

a blue and white striped tee.

I mean….. there just aren’t enough in my wardrobe

// striped tee //

my friend has this dress and wore it to a wedding last summer and I just LOVE it.

I was so happy to see they had it again this year!

// eliza j dress //

I love the look of this lace top.

and it looks so expensive but it is priced so well.

// lace top //

I remember seeing this sweater on one of the fashion blogs I follow, and now the price has dropped even more.

I keep drooling over all the spring clothes, but the freezing temps here are definitely staying for awhile longer. (can I come live on one of your couches down south please?)

// textured sweater // 40% off, amazing price!

I just want to be the person that wears cute ass printed pants like this with a tee shirt.

I need to be this person. these pants could maybe make me this person.

// ella moss printed pants //

// another, slightly more subtle print //

wear all day erry-day perfection.

// cowl neck sweater // 40% off !

I’m so in love with the color of these jeans.

….. perhaps the perfect thing to pick up for valentine’s day but wear all spring and summer long too. seriously the best color.

// paige denim // on super sale, under $100

home, home inspiration, house, Lifestyle

guest room + hopeful gallery wall.

February 10, 2015

via

today I’m sharing a small home update + dual purpose/small space solution.

and a very simple + small DIY even morons like me can do

the guest room is serving multiple purposes at the moment.

guest room, but also the closet where all of my clothes are, another TV in case the one in the master bedroom is too far away (DUH), and where I end up doing my make-up and everything because our bathroom is tiny.

I wanted to get a large nightstand but have it serve multiple purposes.

the other side of the bed is super narrow so just a tiny nightstand over there.

you’ll note the baby blue walls, this was the previous owners little boys room.

I ended up settling on a vanity/desk that I found on Wayfair.

I couldn’t have been more pleased – it arrived so fast, was on super sale, and was exactly what it appeared to be online.

It serves as a nightstand for guests, opens up and has a mirror and area for my make-up for when I am getting ready, and most important, it’s another place to throw ma-crap when I come home at night.

I love my jumbo size gold perfume bottle from z gallerie.

The vanity came almost entirely assembled; all I had to do was screw the legs in.

thank the Lord…. I’ve had some nightmarish Ikea assemblies in my day.

Plus it came with a hideous zebra stool, so I didn’t have to spend money on a chair or bring one of our dining chairs upstairs.

Instead I just recovered it with the same fabric we covered our footstools in our bedroom in.

one downfall of it not being a real chair….. less places to throw my clothes.

who doesn’t love changing 27 times and having a chair to toss everything on?

if I could have the chair look like this it would be a dream, but for free, who cares.

I know there’s not a whole lot going on, and clearly no styling, but thought I’d share!

The plan is to do a gallery wall in the area above the desk/nightstand/vanity.

check out my sweet graphic I made below to you can wrap your minds around my beautiful vision.

headboard is from west elm, duvet from macy’s, pillows from pottery barn

I meaannnnnn my graphics are just killer.

I have already ordered a couple of prints, so hopefully it’s a project on my short to-do-list that’ll be done very soon!

as in, hopefully it won’t be like everything else on my to do list and take 7x longer than I intend for it to.

gif via

Lifestyle, recipe

food + love.

February 9, 2015

valentine’s day is right around the corner.

the way to a man’s heart
(and mine, and any person I want to hang out with)
is through their stomach.

we all know this to be true.

Getting/giving gifts for Valentine’s day is for some not for all, but everyone agrees that delicious treats are always perfect for your Valentine, wether it be your friends or your boyfriend.
and most important, it doesn’t have to be a couples only holiday.
(my favorite valentines dates are always the brunches and dinners with girlfriends. don’t tell)

Instead of a box of chocolates where you take a bite of everything, spit it out, and put the other half back in the box, get your loved one(s) something they will LOVE.

ship + dip, a company I love that specializes in the best of the best for condiments/sauces/dips/you name it

has a special “Could This Be Love” box for Valentine’s Day.

I got the box and lemme tell ya; YES it’s love.

The toffee has already disappeared in a span of 24 hours (shocker),
and needless to say my husband gives it his full approval.

The box ships for FREE, and if you order by Noon tomorrow, Tuesday February 10th for guaranteed Valentine’s Delivery.

The BANGIN’ box includes the following :

Sea Salt Caramel Sauce with White Chocolate by Izzybelle Chocolate Sauce – 10 oz.
Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Toffee Fondue Dessert Sauce by Tall Grass Toffee – 10 oz.
Raspberry Jalapeño Dip by KC Classic Gourmet – 12 oz.
Milk Chocolate Almond Toffee candy by Tall Grass Toffee – 6.5 oz.

once the toffee was demolished in 2 seconds flat,
I wanted to use something to spice up our usual weekend pancakes.
note to self: perhaps the mound of pancakes every weekend is the secret reason why the scale won’t budge
the izzybelle sea salt caramel sauce was the perfect addition for sweet + savory breakfast.

I crack myself up with my photo staging.

like, “oh, put your totally unrelated to anything homegoods topiary in the picture (WHAT?!) and suddenly it won’t be ugly. oh wait…. still ugly but now theres a green bush next to the pancakes.

I did a plate of larger pancakes since the tiny hearts wouldn’t be enough food for my man friend 🙂 #awfulfoodphotographyskills

go over to ship + dip’s website to check out the special Valentine’s Day box, as well as their other monthly subscription boxes and incredible foodie-lover-finds!!!