The Sarcastic Blonde

coffee talk, Lifestyle

coffee talk

February 19, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves……

:: SNL ::

I literally can’t even with #SNL40. I was smiling ear to ear.

There’s too much to even discuss I don’t want to ruin it 🙂

:: vanderpump rules ::

perhaps its from all the SNL I watched this week, but the group shot intro for Vanderpump Rules reminds me of The Californians where everyone goes to stare into the mirror at the end.

it’s like every bus boy and dishwasher thats ever worked there trying to squeeze into the corner of the shot. the right hand corner its like everyone trying to make there way in – sheana, shay, pandora and vail hidden back there trying to get their heads in the shot… the two people that run the place and speak french….. good god everyone.

Scheana’s wedding got even white trashier than her crop top during this weeks episode where we got to see her reception. For such a smiley person who befriends everyone, she was the bitchiest bride! She was flipping the hell out all day and night, as in, mid hugging guests goodbye she’s like “WTF!? I DIDNT DO THE DOLLAR DANCE YET?!”

scheana….. hate to break it to you sweetie, but I’m guessing whatever this “dollar dance” is shouldn’t be happening at a wedding reception and it’s probably a good thing your hot mess instagram “wedding planner” sucks and didn’t orchestrate it properly.

it’s too bad your first dance music played properly though…. whatever that grinding/club move thing you were doing was will be as big of a regret as that crop top.

:: the bachelor ::

I mean….. we had 4 hours of the bachelor this week plus an hour if chris harrison interviewing.

good lord.

I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB. but of course I have to watch every damn minute still!! thanks a lot ABC. GEEZ.

chris interviewed crazy-pants-widow and she hadn’t seen the episode where she completely sh*t talks Princess-Jasmine-Belly-Ring and then gets kicked off.

she is saying to Chris ” I hope my respect for her still shines through”

OH SWEETIE. Women Tell All (and America) are going to rip you a new one and you are still acting like you have no idea that the world thinks you are crazy and not that your story is AMAZING.

Also, Chris interviewed Andi about her breakup with Josh.

Ok…… I thought I had gotten better about going all soft over reality TV shows….. but this really got me.

She was sobbinnnnggg. Before the interview even started you could tell the make up people had been trying to fix her but you could already see how red and puffy her eyes were. Then she cries and cries and her nose runs and runs and CHRIS DOESN’T EVEN OFFER HER A TISSUE.

Like, seriously. Waterworks and a snot fountain, and he doenst think for a moment to wait and get the girl a damn tissue!

(insert mean remark about no wonder chris harrison’s wife leaving him)

but my eyes were filled with tears at one point at the end of it watching her cry. you can’t fake that kind of sadness and I really felt for her.

but enough of my emotional moment….. on to bitching about the current season…..

The girls go to IOWA!

WOO HOOO!

worst season ever to be cast on this show. these girls must be so disappointed.

they leave the bustling metropolis of des moines iowa to drive 3 hours to the middle of nowhere-ville that chris wants these ~~girls~~ women to call HOME.

They drive there are…… I mean….. working on their acting skills to pretend they are totally fine with it.

No bar no restaurant NO COFFEE SHOP! I don’t even drink coffee and I would be like UMMMMMM THERE’S NOT EVEN A COFFEE SHOP? There’s literally not a single place for socialization. Nowhere.

And the grocery – “THE market” – is closed too!!

so literally like, what else is there?? If you can’t even socialize at a grocery store what the hell are you supposed to do?? And what do these people eat ?

Right when Lipstick Britt was about to give up hope on moving there, SHE SAW A SUNSET. She can totally live there now.

Right when I was about to claim I could NEVER EVER EVER live there the camera panned to a sign :

damn straight I took a pic from bed of the TV…. you’re welcome.

Liquor

Pizza

Chicken

Fro yo

TO GO

UM WHAT ELSE COULD A GIRL WANT?

That is literally a white girls dream diet.

Sorry for being moody Chris…. I take it back…. I could marry you and live in deliverance.

Jade the playboy playmate (not yet revealed to Prince Farming) gets the AMAZINGLY FAB date to his old high school to stroll the halls and check out all 300 people that the town consists of in the bleachers. she even meets the parents!

THE IRONY of the playmate getting that date and meeting the parents is SO not lost on me. well done producers. well done.

chris keeps shooting himself in the foot “she’s such small town girl with a good head on her shoulders.”

{insert jaws music for what is to come…… da nun……..}

:: Group Date ::

Lipstick Britt : Sweet midriff top on the ice rink

Crazy Carly : talking to chris about Lipstick Britt “it really freaked me out and I know how much you like her and it made me scared for you”

SIMMER DOWN GOOD LORD HE’S NOT THAT GREAT GOOD GOD.

:: hometown dates ::

kaitlin, who has more personality in her finger than chris does in his whole body, and who I truly can’t comprehend why is she still there, gets

FARMER CHRIS RAPPING.

NO WORDS. IT’S SO HORRIBLY GREAT.

HE HAS NO COMPREHENSION OF BEAT or RHYTHM.

NONE. ZERO.

I SERIOUSLY WANT TO SEE HIM DANCE.

kaitlins mom is a little saucy and seems like she likes to have a good time. can see where she gets it.

jade’s hometown begins….

they walk in to her house and her whole family is areall just sitting silently in chairs facing the door.

HOLY AWKWARD.

then chris is like I LOVE HOW SHES A SMALL TOWN GIRL ITS HARD TO FIND SOMEONE WITH THOSE VALUES. her mom, dad, brothers, are all trying to tell him he’s nuts and that “she’s a wild mustang”

chris learns back at the hotel just how wild of a mustang she is when she shows chris the pictures and PLAYS HIM VIDEOS (i can’t i just can’t — hands over my face so awkward I can’t handle it) of her naked and seducing the camera.

This is like….. the most hilarious thing I’ve ever witnessed and so horribly painful to watch, especially with how smiley and giggly she is while playing the videos.

Then Jade gets sent home and Prince Farming cries. Oh and insecure attention whore embarrass herself big time these 4 hours Lipstick Britt. and Clingy Carly. I think? I’m confusing myself.

I mean…… please ABC don’t put us through four hours of IOWA and Hometown ever again.

:: RHOBH ::

yawn of an episode.

how much pinot grigio had they had at lisa’s party when they all are “singing” sentences into the microphone? menopause mamas is right (damn you brandi)

I really hope thats not what my friends and I look like when we are tipsy and think we are hilarious

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

wishlist wednesday

February 18, 2015

lusts for the week……..

all steals (under $100 with many under $50!) with one splurge thrown in there 🙂

the romper I loved but ultimately didn’t fit, in an adorable tank version.

would be so cute with white jeans.

(you can tell I am dreaming.praying.wishing.needing warm weather)

// tank //

// get it girl pouch //

// dress //

teeny tiny studs with a touch of added sparkle. I love my teeny studs.

// studs //

// printed dress //

and an adorable navy floral print dress

// embellished tank // splurge worthy!

this dress looks like a million bucks and costs nothing.

// dress //

// shorts //

the best color on the cutest scalloped top I ever did see

// scallop cropped top //

simple white tee in the front, beautiful from the back

// open back tee //

Lifestyle, recipe

:: crack of the week ::

February 17, 2015

I’m sharing a couple crack worthy recipes this week!

For Valentine’s Day we made the following:

Better than Take Out Chicken Pad Thai

and

My Girl Ina’s Chocolate Cake with Whipped Mocha Frosting

and I decorated my food photography with sweet $1.00 decorations I found at THE jewel as chicagoans call it –aka- the worst grocery store in the world

where you get home and even though you picked through 9,000 pounds of produce to try to find something fresh you cut into your red onion and it is DISGUSTING what you see inside of it and you curse yourself for ever buying anything there in the first place.

but I digress………. we’re talking about yummy food here……

We absolutely loved both. The pad thai was easy to make and it was fun to recreate one of our favorite take out meals at home. The chocolate cake was hands down the BEST cake I ever made and one of the best cakes in general I’ve ever had. Kip likes his frosting a little bit thicker, so I’ll alter the frosting recipe for him next time (I like it light and fluffy and whipped so it was perfect the way it was to me and I wouldn’t change a thing) but the chocolate cake itself was so rich and moist and I could seriously go on and on. We made ourselves sick Saturday night AND Sunday night eating it and eventually had to toss the tiny bit that was left in the trash because we have no damn self control.

it was a full blown miranda on SATC dish soap/trashcan moment.

:: Barefoot Contessa Beatty’s Chocolate Cake and Frosting ::

my sweet husband frosted the cake and everything.

(insert tune of “that’s effin teamwoorrkkkkkk)

recipe via barefoot contessa

Cake Recipe

Butter for greasing the pans

1 ¾ cups all-purpose flour, plus more for pans

2 cups sugar

¾ cups good cocoa powder

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon kosher salt

1 cup buttermilk, shaken

½ cup vegetable oil

2 extra-large eggs, at room temperature

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1 cup freshly brewed hot coffee

Chocolate Frosting

6 ounces good semisweet chocolate such as Callebaut

½ pound (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature

1 extra-large egg yolk, at room temperature

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1¼ cups sifted confectioners’ sugar

1 tablespoon instant coffee powder

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter two 8-inch round cake pans. Line with parchment paper, then butter and flour the pans.

Sift the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt into the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment and mix on low speed until combined. In another bowl, combine the buttermilk, oil, eggs, and vanilla. With the mixer on low speed, slowly add the wet ingredients to the dry. With mixer still on low, add the coffee and stir just to combine, scraping the bottom of the bowl with a rubber spatula. Pour the batter into the prepared pans and bake for 35 to 40 minutes, until a cake tester comes out clean. Cool in the pans for 30 minutes, then turn them out onto a cooling rack and cool completely.

Place one layer, flat side up, on a flat plate or cake pedestal. With a knife or offset spatula, spread the top with frosting. Place the second layer on top, rounded side up, and spread the frosting evenly on the top and sides of the cake.

Chocolate Frosting

Chop the chocolate and place it in a heat-proof bowl set over a pan of simmering water. Stir until just melted and set aside until cooled to room temperature.

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat the butter on medium-high speed until light yellow and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add the egg yolk and vanilla and continue beating for 3 minutes. Turn the mixer to low, gradually add the confectioners’ sugar, then beat at medium speed, scraping down the bowl as necessary, until smooth and creamy. Dissolve the coffee powder in 2 teaspoons of the hottest tap water. On low speed, add the chocolate and coffee to the butter mixture and mix until blended. Don’t whip! Spread immediately on the cooled cake.

image

:: Better than Take Out Pad Thai ::

recipe via Rachel Shultz

8 ounces pad thai noodles*

2 eggs

1 batch of Pad Thai Sauce (Recipe Below)

3 cooked chicken breasts, sliced

1 cup bean sprouts

1 cup cilantro

3 green onion, sliced

1/2 cup chopped peanuts

*THE jewel options were limited, they had fettucine, so whatever, worked for me 🙂

Pad THai SAuce :

whisk the following together :
3 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon sriracha
2 tablespoons lime juice
2 tablespoons canola oil
2 tablespoons brown sugar

INSTRUCTIONS

Prepare noodles according to package instructions.

Meanwhile, scramble eggs for about 2 minutes and set aside.

In a large skillet, combine noodles, chicken, and sauce.

Top with bean sprouts, cilantro, green onion, and peanuts.

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend things ::

February 16, 2015

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s weekend!

other than the freezing cold and snow, it couldn’t have been more perfect.

we had so many flowers in the house, thanks to my sweet husband, and I can’t wait to stare at them and smell them all week!

I saw my hair girl and gossiped about Bravo and got my highlights back in order.
always an important day.

Saturday I kicked off the day at Pure Barre with one of my girlfriends.

I thoroughly liked it. Luckily there was a girl in front of me that was a tiny little thing and a pure barre pro so I could stare at her to figure out what to do ~~(and also stare at her as motivation. two birds one stone.)~~ but that part above, where we had our backs against the wall and push against the bar really hard with your hands…… I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing it.
the rest of it was great though and the backs of my thighs are killing me.
i’m actually debating getting a class package…. but you know my feelings on leaving the house to work out soooooo not so sure about that.

then we went to brunch with kips parents at one of our favorite spots, Summerhouse.
I love this place so much. And how bright and sunny it is in there is truly the greatest joy when living in the frozen tundra hell that is wintertime in Chicago.

For dinner, I always recommend the calamari to start and the enchiladas for dinner.
This was my first time having brunch there, and I went with the lemon cottage cheese pancakes, which sound so strange but were SO DAMN GOOD. some of the best pancakes ever.

their cookies are to die for always. the sea salt chocolate chip did not disappoint.

we decided to make dinner for valentine’s day this year.

I kicked it off with Ina Garten’s Caramelized Bacon to start.

for dinner, we decided to try to make one of our favorite meals, chicken pad thai.

it was an easy recipe and we really, really loved it.

for dessert, I wanted to recreate kip’s grooms cake from our wedding.

I made an insanely delicious cake and I’ll share the recipe tomorrow : chocolate cake with mocha frosting. kip said it was the best chocolate cake he’d ever had, and it definitely was for me too. the cake recipe will be my new gold standard.

recipes to come tomorrow for crack of the week!

sunday was filled with TV, food, heat and blankets, and more TV.
i’m writing this before watching SNL 40 and The Bachelor, but you can assume I loved them.

Lifestyle

:: sunday shopping steals ::

February 15, 2015

waking up to more snow leaves me dreaming of warmer days and my toes in the sand

ann taylor currently has 30% off everything AND 50% off sale items!

some seaside lusts below…..
the colorful cover-up in the middle is an absolute must!!!!

one // two // three

four // five // six

seven // eight // nine

Lifestyle

grab your remote + your biggest bowl of popcorn

February 15, 2015

……. because there’s an epic night of Sunday night TV ahead!!

screw the oscars; this is the event of the YEAR.

SNL’s 40th anniversary special

(AND the kick off for a two night Bachelor Event.)

if you follow SNL on instagram, they have been posting video clips with the guest stars all week.

it has made me SO GIDDY.

it is a live 3.5 hour event and I for one am currently counting the MINUTES.

everryyyyone will be there, and everyone who is a normal human will be watching.

simultaneously airing on ABC will be a bachelor episode, which will for the most part be absolutely horrible while chris harrison interviews chris-farming, YAWN. but they will also be interviewing crazy pants widow mcgee. and then a full episode of the bachelor, part one. thank the lord for DVR so I can fast forward through commercials and go back and forth as necessary without missing a thing.