DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

:: LAST WEEK’S RHONY ::

Carole and Tinz have lunch and they are hitting it off.  This is the most Carole has talked about anything other than Baby I II and III….. but this scene is ridiculous.  I do think Tinz needs to go from the tight curls to the loose waves.  No need to cut it – but beachy waves intead of the shirley temple/Disney princess curls.  Now I’m talking about this annoyingly at length just like Carole.

Sonja acts like she can’t wait for Tinsley to get out of her house, but now Sonja doesn’t want Tinsley to leave? “She shouldn’t rush! She needs to be ready! And comfortable!”  Sonja is so nuts.

We are back to seeing more of Ramona’s revamped “all by Me Myself and I” apartment.  “I did a phenomenal job redecorating the apartment!” – things only Ramona would say (and that only Ramona think).  When they showed the other part of her apartment re-done earlier this season I felt like the before’s and after’s looked super similar too?

Ramona is upset she isn’t invited to Bethenny’s things, so she’s going to show Bethenny how you handle things maturely and invite her to her newly-finished-apartment party.  I really think the only reason she is even attempting all of these reconciliations and olive branches is because she’s caught the Jill Zarin Castoff Fear over all of it.  We all know Ramona doesn’t care about anyone except “Me Myself and I”.

Tinz and her mom Dale are apartment hunting!  I really love Dale.  I feel like if you name a girl Dale, she’s just immediately cool.  I know cool isn’t the appropriate word for a 70 year old, but you know what I mean.  Tinsley says she can afford 9K a month because of family money and working in business development…. I want to know more about this business development? No judgement over it – straight jealousy – who cares if it’s all family money! – but what business development? All of you always are in the know and e-mail me answers, so if anyone knows what this “business development” is let me know.  I’m thinking the current “business development” is the current rich boyfriend….  Anyways, the apartment back in her mom’s preferred neighborhood of the Upper East Side is INSANE with those skylights!? Ugh. Amazing.

Carole is meeting with an interior designer – PRAISE THE LORD – and she is FINALLY re-covering that disgusting couch.  Although the interior designer’s first words were “what an amazing couch” – what is wrong with you people!? NO IT IS NOT. Also, she is wearing a navy cropped velour jumpsuit? Are my eyes deceiving me? I see cropped capri Juicy Couture velour and it is not okay.

The Bethenny + Frederick Real Estate pre-show is back in action! I really do laugh at Bethenny though.  “Frederick made me simplify…. so I guess we’re selling the condo to people who don’t have kids, don’t have sex, don’t eat, don’t live, don’t do anything so these people owe me a lot of money…..”

HOW. THE HELL. COULD THAT UGLY. BAR COST 40. THOUSAND. DOLLARS. I almost spit my drink across the room! FORTY? Oh my Lord.  I can’t.

Cut to the highlight of the episode : Ramona’s Apartment Reveal Party:

Oh. My. Gahhhhh.

What is that hair? I am speechless, as Ramona says.  Her hair. Her dress. Her shoes.  HER CHANDELIER. all of it.  I finally figured out what her boobs remind me of.  The mom in Mean Girls.  They are high as hell, hard as rocks, and always out.

She also acts exactly like this, trying to be BFF with her daughters kids and act like she is young and they want to hang out with her.  How did I not make this reference sooner?!!??!!

She throws the worst parties.  In the Hamptons everyone has to play their own bartender, and this party she had drinks at the entry way, except it’s like a rosemary disgusting something that no one wants to touch with a ten foot pole.  Worse than that is that she keeps the coat rack in the hallway for her guests where anyone could just snatch a coat? Who does that? I realize she probably is in a nice building and that wouldn’t happen but that is so rude to me.  And you know she would never hang her own coat in a hallway! But I digress….

Dorinda enters the party with immediate commentary: “Ramona look at this look.  It’s very severe.  I am not quite sure what to do with it.” and then “She looks like she should have a heavy Russian accent and whip.”

The high I am on over Ramona’s hair and Dorinda’s comments is quickly cut short by the sight of Harry walking through the door. (And ew Tinsley! You are friends with Kelly Bensimon? Posing in bikini photos with her?! -1 for you for that!)   Ramona is such an ass.  Having this combo at her party:  Missy – Tom – Harry – Sonja – LuAnn – Sonja. And then she acts like “Okay so I don’t know what I was doing when I made this list but I have a lot of mixing of ex’s and currents and pasts…. I wasn’t really thinking.

Tom has lots of highlights at the party, introducing LuAnn to “Oh this is Missy you met at The Regency”.  Seriously what is up with him and The Regency? And then in regards to his wedding ring “Tell me about it – it’s like a dog with a collar.” This man is awful.  I do not understand it.

Then Harry and Missy are whispering about all of it and LuAnn in her confessionals continues the charade she has so neatly constructed of everything being amazing and normal. She’s all “it’s all cool! I’m cool! I’m friend with my ex’s! It’s healthy” but in person she’s up in Tom’s ear “who is that? is that the girl you dated?” staring like she wants to kill someone with a fake stiff smile forced across her face.

I laughed MY HEAD OFF when someone broke something and Sonja yelled “Don’t worry about it! It’s $12.99!” and cackles.  It was incredible.  And Ramona, I hate to say it, but your apartment looks like it was done by “you yourself and you” and like most of it was $12.99 throw pillows hurled everywhere.  Just saying…..

:: JASONHOPPY MORE STALKING ::

I saw an article today that there is more stalking stuff with Jason and Bethenny! I will never understand this! How did he get so crazy!?

This photo of him….. yikes.  They really know how to get a bad angle and use it in these articles.

:: BACHELORETTE : LAST WEEK :: 

 I never included my notes from last week (I swear I am like a chicken with their head cut off lately!) and this week was 4 HOURS of nonsense because ABC wants to kill me, so I’ll keep it to some bullet points.
Eric’s resting bitch/butch face is out of control.  It takes resting bitch face to a whole new level.

Why does Dean, Jesse McCartneys’ adorable doppelgänger have to dress in a Hawaiian pineapple shirt under his blazer for a rose ceremony?  Are you trying to point out that you are the youngest one there? I felt so bad for him on their Blimp date.  Of course he is the one with the fear of heights (the producers will NEVER stop with that one will they!)  You could not pay me a million dollars to go into that blimp, and I have no fear of heights.  That looks like a death wish!  

Eric/Resting Butch Face can’t spell FACADE.
And Peter can’t spell coitus!!! Maybe I watch too much Big Bang Theory (Sheldon only refers to sex as coitus) but that seems pretty easy to spell???

:: THIS WEEK – 2 PART EVENT :: 

4 Hours Bachelor? Ugh.  Buckle Up.  I like that Brian the Chiropractor is 37 years old.  I feel like she needs someone her age or older.  And that’s where the stuff with cutie pie Dean is just a huge red flag to me.  He is a little baby! Age is just a number…. sometimes.  But perhaps not this time.

These dude fights between Nashville Country Singer boy Lee and Kenny the Wrestler are so stupid.  “You’re a snake! Bye Snake’y.”

Ugh. You both are children (as hashtag carpenter craig would say). He then says “I want to lay my (bleep) on your (bleep) and something else (bleep).”  Ummmm what the heck is he saying? It sounded sexual which I think is opposite of what he wants?

RACHEL. What are you wearing.  You are in Hilton Head South Carolina – why are you wearing ALL black!?  black lace, sheer black, and a black leather jacket.  WHAT?!? No! Your gowns have been so spot on who the heck styled this?
Someone from LA that has never been to the South?
Her date with Jack Stone is the highlight of the date.  But why are we seeing his full name Jack Stone? What happened to the first initial last name Bachelor pastime? They have a date shucking oysters and learning the dance style of Shagging.

  He goes in to kiss her and she pulls away saying she’s contagious and will get him sick and he’s like “WOW that first kiss was AH-mazing. ”  We know from that comment alone he is going home.  And this was before his creepy facials

Kip walked in during the quote of “He just wants to lay in bed and talk.  It takes away from all of the shucking and shagging we did today.” and was VERY confused as to what was going on. 

Gotta say Jack Stone (who I just keep wanting to call Captain Jack Sparrow) … I never saw this creepiness coming! You had such great teeth!! But then you just sat started doing this…. over and over…. and over

At the rose ceremony, Kenny is sitting there doing snake movements.  LOCK IT UP KENNY.  It’s not a good look.

PART TWO

The Two on One is Kenny and Lee – SHOCKER – the two people that hate each other.  Kenny, note to self, if you don’t want to come off as angry or aggressive, let’s not have every word out of your mouth have to be bleeped and then end it with “eat sheyite and die”.  Maybe? No? But hey, what do I know?

Resting Betch/Butch Face got a one-on-one and was crazily jumping around and all enthused….. he is all over the place.

I was only able to watch the beginning of the group date where they are dressed like this.

No surprise that the bloody eye preview they have been showing all week had nothing to do with any actual fight between the men.

:: SOUTHERN CHARM ::

It’s finale night on Southern Charm. tear. Kathryn is reading a book with a chapter titled with the bible verse “Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will scatter.”   She’s really trying I give her that… and if she really read that far into the book it looks like she’s gotten pretty far.

Dani and Elizabth are down at the beach and Elizabeth is as thrilling and fun as ever. “No Sun for Lizzy today!” she exclaims. Oh Lizzy! You’re such a blast!

“Lizzy” and Kathryn must have both used the same awful red lips for the beach day. Nothing says a day at the beach in the hot sun like blood red lipstick melting off your face.

Hasthag Carpenter Craig poses a serious stumper to the boys: Cheese or Oral Sex? He doesn’t comprehend that no man on earth is going to pick cheese over oral sex. He’s like “What!? Wait!? Why wouldn’t you pick cheese!”  Out of all of the things Craig has said to make himself seem like less of man, I think this takes the cake.

Craig gives the baby onsie he had made to Cameron –  which would be the cutest gift ever, so sweet, if he wasn’t such an ass that I want to tell him HE IS THE CHILD. So instead I’m on Shep’s side, critiquing it and saying the letters are off center.  Guess you should have stopped chatting with Gizmo and focused a little more, Craig!

The final morning arrives.  Chelsea’s bod.  Wowza. And an ocean make-out with Austen! Aw!

Cameron is talking to Craig about how “He needs to be aware of how he speaks to (Naomi) in public.”  Craig is taking no blame.  He’s like “She didn’t even say bye when she left! But I had a better time after she left…. and that’s not how it should be.”
I truly can’t stand this kid. He pouts LIKE A CHILD constantly.

We’re back in Charleston….

I know I always say I love the little intro clips with glimpses into everyones lives but I mean it.  Moments like Whitney saying to his mother “You look like Joan Crawford” just kill me. KILL ME. Craig talking to Gizmo and a shot of Bourbon Gentry however, I can do without.  Same with the entire scene involving MR. Bourbon Gentry and Thomas.

Landon and Thomas are arguing via text through quoting Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice. Oh puh-lease.  Even if you didn’t see the episode I’m sure you can vividly imagine Thomas’ ever-important voice slowly reading the quotes with his southern drawl as though he is still some State Senator giving an important speech.  And ever the amazing supporting character, JD gives a head nod and an “mmmmmmmm”.  Ugh these two are such idiots.

I don’t understand why Landon is suddenly acting like she is all on Kathryn’s side and totally against Thomas?

We are graced with another LEWK from Kathryn this week!

SO MANY LEWKS! Even new ones in the FINALE confessionals! I love it!

Landon and her have more in common than just Thomas, they both don’t believe in bras AND NEED TO.  Please don’t say this is what I look like when I find something I can go braless in and no one is telling me?! Because these two girls should really know when one is required and apparently they don’t.

Naomi gets home to pouty Craig who is acting like his life is so hard because he printed out study sheets for the bar and is going to have to actually start studying now that he graduated and is eligible.  Why is Naomi taking all the blame for this!? Also, Naomi, do not take relationship advice from KATHRYN.

Party at JD’s. Barf. Gentry Bourbon Gentry Bourbon Gentry Bourbon.  Can we get Shep’s hot friend Beau to be a sidecharacter inside of JD? Or that other friend of Shep’s that is straight out of Hot Tub Time Machine in the printed track suit jacket? Or ANYONE for that matter? Kathryn’s cousin in the red bikini and stilletos poolside from episode one? Anyone but him.

Rumors of a Kathryn and Thomas make out session the night before begin to swirl.  These two are NUTS. I mean, is her vagine platinum??? What is it with these two??

And that long embrace that we saw on camera (apparently moments before said make out) made me very uncomfortable.

Landon is in a backless dress with no bra and looks gorgeous. Now THAT is how you wear a dress with no bra girl.
Thomas walks in looking like the Uncle Fester from The Adam’s Family…

……which is actually very fitting for Kathryn’s dark look!  It’s like they planned it after their make out session. Oh, and Thomas of course thinks the black lipstick is super sexy.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:  This preview for Odd Mom Out is giving me life.  I love Jill Kargman so much.  In the Odd Mom Out commercial her husband is saying she looks like Edward Scissor Hands which is NOW what I am changing my mind to thinking Kathryn’s lewk looks like.

Oh.  Kathryn gives me comparison herself! She says it looks like Austin Powers threw up on a girl.  Thanks Kathryn! You are so spot on! Keep reading and doing yoga it’s really working!

We learn more about Shep being drunk leaving Charleston and missing the plane/being kicked off the plane.  It involved him choking on a chicken wing? And spilling water and yelling at a guy? He is SUCH a degenerate. (yet this story cracked me up….and made me think of a story of a guy friend being kicked off a plane home from Vegas which was just hilarious).

Okay I really really really really really want Chelsea and Austen to be lovah’s. This is cute. (to be read in the voice of the annoying yet great song “I really really really really really really like you.. and blah blah blah and you want me too”. )

Hashtag Carpenter Craig is ready to ruin another moment where everyone is getting along for once, similar to Key West, so he steps in to take things up a notch.  Landon is correct – everyone is happy with her and Kathryn’s relationship except him, so LOCK IT UP.

Shep cracks a joke about Craig not knowing about the Bay of Pigs and Craig punches his leg and is so dead in the eyes making a really creepy face that it’s a bit terrifying.

The world is for sure coming to an end because first Kathryn is giving relationship advice, and now she is mediating arguments!? Who does she think she is!? That make out session with Thomas last night has her going crazy already!

They are so nuts to ever even try to act like they are into each other and it could work.
I’m sure the reunion will show this was short lived…..like all of their romances…. just pray these short lived flings never lead to baby #3!

:: MAZEL AND JACKHOLE ::
Big Brother is Back!
This so amazing and horrible…..
Best part : it’s 3 nights a week.  Worst part : it’s 3 nights a week.

I always don’t like the start of every season because I feel like no one is as great as previous seasons but then a few weeks in I get in to it.
And I realize all of 5 of you watch this show so I’ll keep it to a minimum!
This 3 nights a week thing made me realize that the two weeks we are away on vacation is going to leave me with hours upon hours of not just BB, but LOTS of Bravo to catch up on.  And REUNIONS! I’m going to be missing Mexico for New York and Southern Charm Reunion!
HALP!
I may need to cancel this trip…… I jest.
But I may need to take an extra few days off work to wok on the DVR and prep for Coffee Talk!

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

 

:: LAST WEEK’S RHONY :: 

Sonja has explained to us in the past that she is sleeping with the younger French man named “Frenchie” and dating the older man Rocco.  Because “there are people you date/marry and people you sleep with.”  But now we see her waking up and cooking breakfast with Frenchie.  I am very confused …. this goes against everything she says and does?

Tinz comes down to join them (Tinz cover up a bit you aren’t trying to sleep with him!) with hair perfectly done and definite skin AND eye make up, full on liner, and Sonja exclaims “you look so great without hair and make up!”

At the end of this breakfast the Three’s Company crew is doing, Sonja says a side comment of “maybe ill have some of Ramona’s Xanax.”

Could that have been it in the Berkshires? Mixing xanax and 9 bottles of wine? Because that would certainly help explain her step up from insane to psychotic.

Back at Skinny Girl Central, Bethenny is having a Christmas party, and the red of Christmas naturally lends itself to be the perfect Skinny Girl Extravaganza for décor.  Ice luge and all.  (I’m with Carole…. whenever there was an ice luge in college it was like Christmas morning.  I don’t know why, because now I am REPULSED thinking about if everyone puts their mouth on that thing, but they make drinking so fun. So maybe if everyone can have their own sterile little cover to put on the end of the luge to keep it sterile.  Then I’d be totally back on the shots through the luge bandwagon like Carole. Hashtag this is drinking at 30…. I’m such a loser….)

When Tinsley arrives at Bethenny’s, they show a flashback to her at Ramona’s party the night before accidentally talking about Bethenny’s Christmas Party. WHO is this 70 year old botched face lift Michael Jackson person next to Tinz because it is everything?!

While all of the ladies are attending Bethenny’s Skinny Girl Christmas Party, Ramona is across town dining with Avery and five 21 year olds.  Because of course she is. You would think Avery would be embarrassed by her? I don’t understand how she isn’t??

But apparently she wouldn’t be embarassed by her mom because she says things like ys “I mean Pellegrino IS my water. I literally thought that’s what water was.” I just self-edited and all I will say is NO WORDS after a long silence.

Ramona is having such an amazing time that she always wants the 21 year old girls to go hang out with her! She says she’ll invite her friends over and then they can come and they can all hang out.  FINALLY there is some acknowledgement of how awkward this is and they look at eachother like “I mean, we said we liked that you always had bottled water at your house….” but out loud they simply say “do your old lady friends have sons our age?”

Ramona ends here evening on cloud nine, realizing that these girls are “so wise they are better than my girlfriends” because they say things like “friends should be nice to each other”.  Yeah, Ramona. So wise.  The best part of this whole dinner is that she never comprehends that the only reason it’s happening is because they are being filmed by Bravo and they get are getting an expensive dinner and wine for free.  It’s that you all are soulmates and best friends.

We finally get to see the Wedding of The Century between Tom and Lu.

It was beautiful, she looked beautiful, the whole shebang, yada yada yada.  Top 2 moments: Dorinda showing up tipsy without her bridesmaids dress and way late as though she had no idea what wedding day as a  bridesmaid entailed.  And then at the reception a Marilyn Monroe impersonator jumps out of a big cardboard cake.  I MEAN. LuAnn.  This LITERALLY is a Sweet 16. What is up with you!? Also, do you think someone sexily flirting with Tom scantily clad is the best way to kick off the first 5 hours of your marriage? Probably not….

In January, post wedded bliss, they are throwing a party back in New York City.  I’m assuming this will be the first of dozens, because I don’t think LuAnn is going to let the wedding celebrations and attention end any time soon.  Bethenny arrives 15 minutes late – so awkward that she is going to this, but I guess they all are – and NO ONE is there.  She says it must be a party for everyone that hasn’t slept with Tom.  I mean.  She is so good.  Party of one.

Dorinda agrees with me and blatantly states “we’ve got to stop with the celebrations”.

This engagement party is incredible because of how the other women react to it.  Tinsley, Sonja, AND Ramona all bring men to this thing.  I mean…. seriously ladies? It looks so pathetic!

Tinsley shows up with 23 year old Chad. They just keep showing Chad chugging the free Chardonnay and then shes making out with him.  Tinsley! Come on!

Sonja hides her Frenchie boyfriend for no one to ever see, but brings him out for the Tom and LuAnn engagement party?? Coincidence? I think not. She thinks shes reaallly showing Tom. (Although apparently they are currently still “together” …. whatever that means.)

And the worst of the worst: Ramona.  She has AVERY with her.  And then a date shows up to the engagement party.  (Was this her date or a random man at the party? If it was a random man, I guess it’s fine, but it seemed like it was her date which is pathetic and also AVERY was there!)

Tom is kicking this marriage off with a bang by commenting about ” Old Habits Die Hard” and that he doesn’t want to wear a ring but LuAnn basically makes him.  I mean it’s like just keep the red flag up and waving because the amount of times you have to lift your arm to wave it is exhausting.

The newlyweds are awkwardly talking with Sonja and Frenchie, and Tom turns and grabs her by the neck to kiss her!  Like – choke hold.  Everything about the two of them makes my stomach churn.

Dorinda, hilariously, says that sense no one could understood her drunken yacht toast for the engagement – the replay of that only gets better and better – and then says “are we done celebrating? No more.  Is this it? Please no more. Be done.”

And to that we say, Preach Dorinda Preach.

:: Ally and Lilo ::
I mean really…. explain this to me, because is Jill’s daughter Ally a freak then? Or what? She always seemed so normal? 

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

These intro’s never get old for me.  Especially when it involves Hashtag Carpenter Craig and that sewing machine on the desk smack in the middle of the damn living room.

Craig is making a onesie for Cameron’s future baby (you know, what most men do)and turns around to Gizmo and calls out to him as though he were a legit significant other and he is waiting for him to respond.

Shep is back groveling to Chelsea about when he tried to make out with her the other night.  I wish Chelsea would quit playing both of them – she is acting like Shep.  Don’t say that if you had known Shep genuinely had feelings for, that things would be different or you would have gone for it. Keep eating that peanut butter off a spoon and keep that mouth shut!!!

We are in some alternate universe because Kathryn, dressed as angelic as she could in all white, is at Cameron’s house for a little pow-wow before Key West.   “I cant believe youve never been here!” Really Cameron? Because you couldn’t stand her and wouldn’t even meet her for coffee, so why would she come to your home?

Cameron is having Kathryn rehash what went down between her and Landon to cause all the beef.  How can she not have known any of this about Landon and Thomas? Are you on this show? Were you at the reunion? How can she be so flip flopy this season? Is it because she got so much crap for not being Kathryn’s friend last season(which I disagree with — dont be friends with her she was nuts!) and so now shes playing both sides?  How many questions can I ask in a row?

Craig and Naomi are truly ready to kill each other.  We have seen this relationship go full circle from last season to now… honeymoon is over!

Chelsea and Austen are heading to meet his parents.  Chelsea is totally back tracking on ALL of the “Shep grabbed me in the bar” story.  Austen calls her out on completely changing the narrative and that she must have just talked to Shep about it and that is why.  Which is exactly what happened.  I am cringing.  Austen, don’t do take her to meet your parents yet! This is such a bad idea!

Austen is understandably annoyed.  He says “Chelsea says ‘It’s alright between Shep and I’ and I’m like, well it’s not alright, because it’s not right between Shep and I.”

And all I hear is my mom SHEP AND ME SHEP AND ME SHEP AND ME barking in my ear.  You know I love to throw in some grammar lessons, especially in Coffee Talk posts, where I butcher every spell-check-comma-placement-periods-run-on-sentences and the English language in general.

They have dinner at Austen’s Parents house; it is a beautiful home.  It just makes me so sad after knowing about his sister.  And they need to quit this not-labeling thing and figure it out because taking someone to meet your parents is not the next step when it’s a “whatever” thing and he’s going to get his heart broken.

Whitney wants to attend the trip to Key West with the group, and explains to his mom that it is  “a last hurrah before she sensibly gets pregnant”.  Hahaha. Sensibly gets pregnant? I just can’t with this kid. What man speaks like that!

A perfect difference between Whitney and my husband. Whitney states that “Key West is a sh*t hole” and basically he would rather go anywhere but there.   My husband on the hand has said “I have always wanted to go to Key West” in response to any possible future trip…. I think he would have chosen Key West for our Honeymoon.  No joke.  (I mean… I really want to go, but for a group trip like this where drinking on the beach is the main activity , not for a couples trip.)

The crew arrives in Key West!
KATHYRN.  My jaw is on the floor when she walks off that plane! Her “lewks” are just so up and down.  She looks like she just woke up from a night on the town! And a wild one! (editors note: when she comes down to the beach the morning after they all go out later in this episode, she looks 10x better than she does right now!)

Cameron and Chelsea (and Jennifer) defend Kathryn on the beach to Landon.  Landon is still super heated about all of it.  She needs to calm down because Kathryn digs her own graves.  Did she learn nothing from last season and the reunion? Just let her do her thing and you need to be calm!

Landon is being SUCH a child (Note to Carpenter Craig: here is someone you can call a child!) and getting more and more drunk. She keeps begging Austen and Shep to stay with her while everyone showers because her “co-dependency is at an all time high”.  Just get in the shower Landon and then 20 minutes later you can all be back together.  Simmer down.

“We might be dolphin watching at dinner” (in reference to Landon and her voice, and calling her a “freaking dolphin” last season) is the best thing Kathryn has said all season.
Kathryn takes this dinner and her time on vacation as a great time to ORDER A MARGARITA.
Ummmmm.  I am very confused.  Very.
“Because she’s on vacation.”
Whitney pretends he is ready for peace, ,but really I think it’s his producer hat kicking in and him ready to stir this pot up on vacation.  He knows vacations = prime time TV for Bravo.  He is saying if he can make up with Kathryn then so can Landon, but he goes outside and phrases it as “you need to have it out with Kathryn” when he says it to Landon.

Hmmmm… stirring the pot?
They sit down and – shockingly – are remaining very calm.  Especially considering how hammered drunk Landon in.  So Carpenter Craig just HAS to get as involved as possible.  He knows what will really make everything smooth and friendly. He says “No! You need to say what you don’t like about her and what you don’t like about her!”
Great idea Craig.  That sounds like the perfect plan.
And STILL Landon says “There’s nothing that I don’t like about her.”  I don’t know how this is going the way it’s going with Craig poking and prodding but it’s amazing.
Maybe Landon needs to day drink herself into this mindset more often?!

Craig is being SO horrible. He calls everyone “children”, his favorite insult, and that they don’t know how to handle things but because he is in couples therapy he thinks he can facilitate the situation.  This would be hilarious if it wasn’t a possibility of WWIII between Kathryn and Landon.  Even Dani, the sweetest quietest one, is ready to kill him.  Poor Naomi – no wonder couples therapy isn’t doing anything for you two – look at him!

Landon apologizes an apology she doesn’t mean and Kathryn takes it and knows she doesn’t mean it.  Good start girls! Really.  I’m serious.  Just take it and be done.  But Kathryn’s commentary in her diary session has her back to her stink eye face slumped over ready to kill someone. But I am proud of drunk Landon…. I never thought this would be her response to her especially with that much booze in her system.  I’m sure this will all change after a few more shots?

Craig CONTINUES to speak down to Naomi and act like SHE is the one treating Craig like a child despite Craig calling everyone and her “child/children” all night.  He says don’t you dare talk to me like that again (for the hundredth time) and Chelsea hears him and says “how the eff do you deal with that?” PREACH.  He is THE WORST.

Thomas is pissed that Landon basically said that he is the only reason that her and Kathryn aren’t friends. UM? And that they can and should be friend. UM?  Landon sweetie.  A glass of water would be nice.  You are coo coo. You were JUST saying you didn’t think she had hit rock bottom OR cared about getting her kids back.

THE NEXT MORNING.

These flashbacks of the night before at the drag show while they do hungover breakfast is EVERYTHING.
I love Bravo’s new editing.

Kathryn comes down in her jammies looking as rough as the rest of them, despite not drinking (??), yet better than on the bus during her arrival.
And of course, the cordial behavior between Thomas and her has gone on long enough and it’s time to get back to business.  Apparently there is a 20 years old girl watching the kids and taking them to The Nutcracker?  Kathryn remains calm but leaves and goes to her room.   Sober Landon is still saying he’s being an ass! Throwing it in her face!.  Oh how the tables have turned for this little love triangle.

Next week is the finale !  And we get to see Kathryn is her formal evening outfit with black lipstick and dressed in some kind of mens suit! I CANT WAIT! So many LEWKS for Kathryn this season.

:: WWHL with Kathryn :: 

Speaking of Kathryn and her every evolving style,, she is on WWHL and she looks like an entirely different person!? She looks better with pretty much everything but I hate that bright-box-red color she likes to dye her hair.

Anyways…. she is super moody and off and on and no different than she has been all season during WWHL.  My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen is really walking on eggshells with her.

My-bf-AC hiccups while she is talking and everyone laughs and she immediately has resting bitch face wants to kill him.  I mean, you weren’t even saying anything good! You were just mumbling with no inflection and saying you think naomi and craig will stick together.  Andy even said “I’m sorry are you mad at me?” because of how she reacted to it.  So freaking awkward!

Can’t wait to see her reunion look in 2 weeks….. for her, this is understated.

:: BACHELOR IN PARADISE ::
After all the drama, Warner Brothers has now said that production will resume and that no wrong doing or funny biznass was found.
They won’t be releasing any of the footage.
OKAY.  I get why they can’t release the footage and blah blah, but after all of this to now be like “Yeah we’re all good everything fine” and go back to filming?
Now I’m thinking was this just some publicity stunt?
WHAT HAPPENED ON THOSE TAPES!?
And so do they bring the exact same people back and pick up where they left off or do a whole new season and pretend it didn’t happen?
And most importantly….. WHEN will it be on TV?
So many questions for me this week….. I need answers!

All of the stars took to their instagram accounts to post bikini selfies in honor of them returning to the beach….. SHOCKER.

:: WEDDING of BIP Alum’s :: 

Carly and Erectile Dysfunction Specialist Evan, who met on last summers Bachelor in Paradise, have tied the knot! It was officiated by who else but Chris Harrison himself.

The best part of their relationship is that she was repulsed by him for the entire first week of BIP, practically throwing up when he kissed her, literally saying she was disgusted by him…. and then a week later they are ENGAGED.
It blew my mind.  And it was a great distraction from Josh eating pizza and sweating all over Amanda while making those “mmmmmm” noises during their make outs.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 

Big Brother starts in SIX DAYS.  Guys…. I already have no time…. and now I have to fit in 3 extra hours of TV per week!

But I’m going to put my big girl pants on…..

and wash my hair (errrr dry shampoo it……)
and focus on how freaking excited I am for 3 months of the best reality competition show on the planet !!!!

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 

ME!  Regarding Southern Charm Savannah…. and not recapping this week….
Oh my goodness… this is a Thursday morning 6:30 addition to the post because I was watching this morning while I did my workout DVD and for once, I really do want to comment…. this episode is so ridiculous but I just had to write two things.

Hannah’s dad cornering her boyfriend and over and over again saying he was never in love with her mom?! This man is horrible! No wonder Hannah is so messed up over the divorce and her relationship with her dad! My jaw is on the floor.

and Ashley driving home from her raging night of partying and puking acting like nothing happened and still trying to sound all pretentious saying “well, I gave them a piece of myself they’ve never had before.”
YEAH YA DID. YOU PUKED ON THEM.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.