DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER ::

yes…. we are starting with a show that is not even on TV yet but this will perhaps display my level of excitement.
a combination of so many of my favorite things is coming to TV in February.

and for you losers that think you’re too good for this show those of you that don’t want Big Brother yet, perhaps CELEBRITY BB will be just what you need to realize what you have been missing out on!
They just released teaser pics of the new house, and it’s set to premiere in 3 weeks!

:: BACHELOR ::

The first group date this week is a WWE-inspired wrestling match.  All the girls are of course size 2 (at most) and in their matching crop top sports bras and leggings.  ah to be young and thin again….. kill me. They bring in two famous former wrestle-mania women, one of whom is still beautiful and the other that honestly terrifies me a bit to even look at.

But don’t judge a book by its cover, because it’s the pretty brunette that is the in-your-face mean girl acting like a straight up lunatic.
editors note : has anyone seen the Rick Flair 30 for 30? Or know who the crazy Rick Flair Wrestling guy is? The people that do this for their careers are just not right in the head – to begin with, and then especially after all of these hits and matches…..
but I digress…..
Arie comments on the “wrestling fight? Is that what it is?” I MEAN, COME ON.  Even I know it’s a WRESTLING MATCH.  I’m sorry but I am very alarmed by that and am concerned for his manhood.  I was ignoring that he is extremely skinny because of the manly racecar stuff…. but now I am seeing the skinny realtor who doesn’t know WTF wrestling matches are called. Have you EVER watched a Pay Per View fight or anything?! Boxing?! EVER!?
K sorry….. I digress again…..
The bitchy brunette lady gets right up in Spicy Bibiana’s face and asks her if her mother knew how to spell when she gave her that name.  Uh oh…… And then to Tia, who as I said last week I am sadly enjoying very much despite her connection to Raven that I keep trying to forget about, she gets REAL up in her face and then the other woman yanks her ponytail. And hard.

Tia is pissed and walks away and gets emotional and cries a bit…… and honestly…. I don’t blame her.  I was getting riled up watching the old ladies be mean to her! It’s for the girls to “fake” fight each other not for you to be fighting them! LAY OFF!

The special guest star is Kenny from Rachel’s season.  Oh Kenny…. seeing all of this for the show is making your profession seem that much worse.
The costumes for the girls are great, especially lunch lady.  I really loved lunch lady.
Some of the girls (Crazy Crystal) get real aggressive, others have fun slash get sexual (???? what!???) and the rest just do the silly group date and move on.  Overall, I am enjoying these group dates so much more than previous seasons.
THEN for nighttime they go to a Caravan Outpost (and it seriously looks incredible.  I would spend the night there with friends in a heartbeat.)
Crystal steals him away immediately and her voice IS REALLY BECOMING NAILS ON A CHALK BOARD. It’s not only the fake raspy, it’s the super slow California talk that just makes people sound like morons.  And honestly, that is not how you talk! She has spoken completely differently during her confessionals about 10 times already!
Because she has only had a one one one date she just doesn’t know what to do on a group date (have you ever watched the show?! come on…..) but decides that Arie wants her to be super aggressive.  She then pisses the other girls off even more by going and sitting with them (where they abruptly just stop talking when she walks in the room) and talks all about her special time with Arie.  They truly cannot stand her.
Bibiana makes the classic mistake of wasting her time talking to him about someone else.  No Bib’s! I like you! Don’t do it!

Arie and 22 year old Baby Becca discuss her longest relationship. UM.  You’re 22? High school relationships don’t count Becca.  Sorry. She says it ended because they were going in two different directions; right, like two different colleges???? Then she straddles him before he can figure out how old she is…… well played Becca. Get that rose.

Crystal shares with one of the other girls that “girls just hate her…. it’s not her fault.” (said every mean girl ever, what’s next, you’re only friends with boys because you don’t like the drama of girls?) She goes on to say that her “best friends boyfriend broke up with her friend in 8th grade because he wanted to be with her instead”. I can’t with this girl. Crystal “doesn’t really want competition.” Great choice for way to meet a man – a reality show with 29 women – when you don’t want competition.

Lauren S. from Dallas gets the one-on-one date to Napa.  You can tell it isn’t going well from the start when they are airing their conversations about utter nonsense.  Now, I’m assuming (and hoping) that normal stupid conversations are had on these dates, but we never, ever hear them.  We only hear the crap they shouldn’t be saying to one another after knowing each other for 2 hours.  THEN…. you really know it’s doomed when : HE EATS ON THE DATE.

You know it’s over.  They have never, ever, ever in the history of this show (and I would know, my loser ass watches it all) eaten on the date.  I have been told they eat BEFORE the date so that they never eat on the date no matter what.  For a million reasons…..
So I knew it was long over when they zoomed in on that cold piece of meat and he just starts shoveling it in his mouth.
I felt so bad for her.  He sends her packing.

Back at the house, the girls seem really upset that she is gone (which must make her feel good at least! They all liked her!) Crazy Crystal gives her commentary about why he sent her home and everyone wants absolutely nothing to do with her.
One of my favorite girls, Caroline, has to walk out the room because she is crying and wants Crystal to shut the hell up…. that too.

The next group date is a date with training dogs.  And I take back what I have said about these dates, because this one is extremely boring, except for one saving grace.

Annaliase and these dog reenactments.  I am dying.  Annaliase says she almost lost her eye to a dog as a child.  Which seriously – she should be terrified if that is true…… but I just can’t stop laughing after last weeks “trauamtic experience with bumper cars”.  All the girls get sparkly short dresses to wear, and Annaliase is in black leggings a tee shirt and a ball cap and in chart of pooper-scooper. Poor thing.  I feel so bad for her this week (slash am still crying laughing at the re-enactments….).

Why on earth is Jenna wearing black lipstick? What every man wants to make out with!  And she attacks him to make out with him, literally trying to eat his face. This girl is nuts.

The night of the rose ceremony arrives, and Jenna is still attempting to eat his face.
Annalease is sick of being shut down and completely ignored by Arie so she decides to take things into her own hands and ask for a kiss, which he declines. I CAN’T WITH THIS I FEEL SO BAD FOR THIS GIRL!!! She then goes BACK in to talk again and he sends her home.  Ugh…..

Jenna’s climbing all over him again.  I can’t tell if she’s wasted or not but she’s not making much sense and making some pretty incredible facial expressions?

Bibiana sets up a bed and a star gazing scene out on the driveway so that they can have special one-on-one time  and while she waits for her time with him he walks out with another girl and thinks it’s just a new romantic spot that the producers set up! AHH! Bib’s!!! Poor bib’s! He proceeds to bring three girls out to this spot to make out, none of them being Bib’s.  Bib’s gets sent packing and I am very, very upset that people like the Taxidermy girl is still there but Spicy Bibiana is leaving.  Damn!
I want to see more of the girl with the gorgeous make up and contouring next week……. and my girl Caroline…..

:: RHOBH ::

This episode is basically the Dorit show and it starts out, whattaya know, completely focused around Dorit.  She is re-launching her swimwear line (you know the one…. the one where the press video from a few years ago she has zero accent whatsoever….)

Dorit was supposed to be meeting Teddi at 4 PM.  She doesn’t even call or respond to texts until 4:54.  Then acts like she did nothing wrong.  (Is it bad that I secretly love how awful she is coming off these last two episodes?? Her drunkenly making an ass of herself last week may have made my heart jump. She’s just the pits.)  She claims they agreed to meet 4:30-5:30.  Riiiiiiight.  That’s such a normal thing to agree to for dinner or drinks at a restaurant? And I’m sure the Accountability Coach is the one that got the time wrong! The other obnoxious thing is that she acts like when she got her text she couldn’t respond because she was on the phone.  Riiiiiiight.  No way does she know how to text and be on a call at the same time.  She completely infuriates me.

Dorit meets Kyle for lunch. She lies uncontrollably and says she was 20 minutes late and Teddi is the liar.  I CAN’T. Kyle gets teary when she tells Dorit about the success of her show(s) and how she doesn’t have her mom to share everything with and it’s a rough moment for Kyle

Rinna co-hosts with Ryan Seacrest on Live with Kelly and they show it “airing” on her TV at home which is completely superimposed and there is not a soul in the living room so what on earth was the point of that? Meanwhile

Dorit then takes her lying ass over to LVP’s house and WAIT FOR IT…….. this “look” is a real doozy.

She has thigh high purple boots on with a giant white mens button down shirt.  WHO ARE YOU PAYING TO MAKE YOU LOOK THIS STUPID AND WHAT ARE THEY MAKING?!
She looks like one of those full body spandex people at a sporting event! I literally thought THIS was coming out of the car as the camera started at her feet and slowly panned up…..

She tells Lisa she “would be nuts to throw another baby into the mix, with the two she has, PK, and the swimwear line.”
yeah dorit no ones ever done that in their life.  no one.  no one.
especially with full outfits like that and hair and make up every single day.
I’d say these “looks” are likely taking a bit more time than the kids, PK, and the swimwear line but HEY, what do I know.

Dorit tells LVP the story about Kyle crying at lunch and completely blows it out of proportion saying she was “sobbing, literally sobbing” at lunch.  Uhmmm okay? I wouldn’t say that but whatever…. and THEN.  LVP’s response is all about herself! She is mad that Kyle is sharing this and crying to DORIT.  She doesn’t know why she would share it with someone she isn’t close with.

WHAT? I’ve teared up or cried to practical strangers before in the most random moments over something involving my dad passing away.  It happens! She cried! But you’re right LVP it’s all about you.  THESE WOMEN. I CAN’T.  LVP and Dorit deserve each other…….
Dorit brings it back to her and Teddi and acts like Teddi is just absurd.  If Dorit is sharing these Time-Stamped texts and pointing out the “4:36 Where are you I’m worried about you?” then clearly LVP should see the “4:02 Just sat down” text and realize you are FULL OF IT.

We finally get some Camille commentary!! Yay!!! She calls Dorit “a bit self absorbed and a bottomless pit of bullshit.”

I couldn’t agree more…. except that I would say she is A LOT self absorbed and a bottomless pit of BS, but we’ll start with that Camille…. I can work with that.  The woman called you a see-you-next-tuesday (and not in the James Kennedy DJ sense) AND made some strap on comment last week so I’d say you can call her whatever ya like! Dorit also tries to side step that one and act like Camille doesn’t have a sense of humor.  Yes, that’s what it is Dorit. That’s definitely it.  Because you are just a real laugh riot.  Just as witty and hilarious as they come.

This is where my love for Kyle falters a bit.  She tries to defend Dorit’s behavior at the dinner party by saying her sense of humor is British. (please….. she’s about as British as anyone after a vacation to London).
 If it had been anyone else, Kyle would be commenting on how inappropriate it was.  Why can’t they ever call their friends on their BS? You can still be her friend and agree with them that she never should have said or done those things?

I don’t even care that 75% of this episode is about Dorit being late for lunch because it shows what a gigantic liar she is……..but I hate that it gives her that much more screen time……

:: RELATIONSHEP ::

We made it to the finale of RelationShep, where we pretend that Shep is actually trying to find a woman to settle down and marry.  Ha.  Good one.
He is down to the final two : Payton, the Southern girl who is trying to be an actress in LA that works at LVP’s Vanderpump Dogs and fluctuates from amazingly expressive facials to a consistent RBF.  And Priscilla, the spicy Brazilian that takes no sh*t and calls him on his sh*t yet is pretending she would actually be in a relationship with a man who constantly looks disheveled and has never had a hard working job or an alarm clock despite his impressive intellect and educational background.

He takes each girl to family homes for a night to try out real world life with them (which is what he has been pretending to do while they have been in Charleston filming…. doing “real life” stuff – Uhhhmmmm sure.)

He tells Sara, his producer BFF, that he thinks he needs to be with a provider.

Shep breaks up with both Payton AND Priscilla, and does as great of a job breaking up as Arie on the Bachelor did – looks away the whole time, monotone voice, seems emotionless about all of it. This isn’t surprising because she was the best option and also because they basically showed that moment happening in EVERY. SINGLE. PREVIEW.
editors note : I never watch “next week on…..” for any show because they give the whole thing away now!!! Especially This Is Us – I never, ever watch the previews.  Is there no patience and surprise in TV and movies anymore!? They show EVERYTHING – you barely even need to watch!
but I digress…… 

:: RHONJ ::

I haven’t seen Part I of the reunion just yet (I know, I know) but there’s lots of gossip going on!
A. The Gorga’s Pizza & Pasta restaurant is already done. What a fun attempt at a story line for the Giudice’s! Apparently they are “looking for a bigger space”.  Riiiiiiiight.  Because that’s how it works – close down your location and then look elsewhere…. not stay open and operating while building larger space due to your success…..

B. Marge is being sued for $9 million by Vineyard Vines and has declared bankruptcy.  This is apparently news from before Christmas but, ya know, holidays. She has been sued a bunch for trademark counterfeiting and more.  Yowza.  (doesn’t her husband seem like the nicest man ever??)

C. Siggy Flicker is a woman scorned.  She is PO’d about the way she was portrayed this season and said that Danielle and her boyfriend HAD SEX IN THE BATHROOM the opening night of the restaurant.  And that they had all of it on tape but didn’t air it!  WHAT!!!!! Danielle was the biggest let down of the whole season; we had put up with her all season and not get that GIANT tid bit that could have made it all worth it?! Shame on you, Bravo!

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

Ughhhhhhh.  Is this Jax and Brittany cheating-back together-forgiven-the-next-morning going to go on all season long?! Because I’m ready to watch 30 somethings that act like early 20 somethings with OTHER horrifyingly ill behaved moments on Monday nights.

We don’t get to hear the actual recording of what Jax said to Faith (after sleeping with her in an elderly womans home while she acted as caretaker…. just incase you forgot that tidbit) and I’m still not sure why they can’t air the recording?  But Brittany airs it for the whole party to hear. He says in the recording that he isn’t attracted to her, he never wants to marry her, never wants to have kids, that they never have sex, etc.
The next day when Jax comes into the apartment, you think he may grovel.  But….. no.  He angrily says “I have no words…. I have no words.”  UM…. not an apology.  He has “no words for what {Brittany} pulled last night.  There’s no excuse for her behavior.”  I CAN NOT WITH HIM.

As I am asking myself for the 10th time why she stays with this disgusting person (slash why she ever started) I am reminded of a big answer: Her mom has been married FOUR times.  It makes WAY more sense that she is the way she is and putting up with all of this.  Her mom on the phone is like “relationships are hard….” Um, excuse me?! I would be like “if you ever touch that STD’ridden-breast-augementation-disgusting-man again I will snatch you bald headed and if he ever tries to talk to you again I will Loraina Bobbit his ass!”
but, hey, I guess that’s just me……

He basically says nothing is his fault at all. And she says she’s done if she ever hears anything again – Yeahhhhh okay. Totally believe you, girl.  As believable as Jax being faithful and telling the truth.

Let’s see…. what else…. Tom and Arianna fight all episode but it’s not even worth commenting on except for saying that her haircut still looks amazing and I still don’t understand why she is with him.

James gets approval to have his DJ sets on Tuesday by LVP.  He originally wants to call it Turn Up Tuesday (as I type that I realize it’s probably Turnt or something but I don’t have any idea….).

He decides to change it to See You Next Tuesday.  I mean….. it’s genius.  And hilariously inappropriate, but hilarious nonetheless. I am as confident that Jax will cheat again as I am that there is no way he is creative or smart enough to come up with that on his own.  I mean….. just look at James and those “rap” sessions?! I can’t.

Scheana tries to shut down the Rob cheating rumors and looks as self-obsessed and blind as ever during it, saying that what the girl at Sur is saying is “exactly the same thing as she is saying ha rumor closed” when she wasn’t explaining the same scenario at all.  But whatever, back to taking selfies……

Side note : I’d love to look as incredible as Lala does when I’m hungover and on my death bed. Damn thirties….. 

:: MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT :: 
Anyone watching!?! Want commentary!?
The condom moment this week….. jaw. on. floor.
And I feel so bad for the girl married to the shy guy that is acting like he doesn’t want to be in the same room as her because she’s a stranger.  YEAH. She is – but you’re the one that signed up to get married!?

:: SISTER SISTER REBOOT ::

While I enjoy the twins,
the real excitement is over JACKEEEEE (to be read as JACK AAAAY should be said, obviously).

:: MAZEL :: 

Enrique and Anna Kournikova had twins!!
I love that they have kept their relationship so private for SIXTEEN years! Crazy.

JACKHOLE :: 

The news of Bobby Zarin, Jill Zarin’s husband, passing away this week.  So sad!

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people