The Sarcastic Blonde

fashion, food, fitness + a dose of sarcastic gossip

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend recap ::

it was a gorgeous weekend here in Chicago!
one of my best friends from college that lives in NYC was in town for the weekend with her boyfriend and we also had a wedding on Saturday.
It was definitely a party filled weekend (read: I look and feel awful today) sooooooo detox big time this week.
Before bed last night I had a cup of green tea with lemon though so I’m thinking that took care of the 3 days of eating and drinking… that cancels it all out right? RIGHT.


For the wedding, I wore a recent purchase, this green silk maxi dress and loved it.

 The belt is an old one from another BCBG dress.  It is currently on sale for 50% off and is a STEAL.
I am tempted to get it in the other two colors…. no joke.
// silk maxi dress //

The seating chart was something I’d never seen before that I thought was really cute:
champagne with your name and seat.  so cute. 

HOKAY thats all I have for today because I’ve been busy chugging water, popping ibuprofen, and cursing myself.


and tonight the undoubtedly worst season that of course I’ll still watch of The Bachelorette begins …… and DWTS Finale night I think!! 




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friday randoms, Lifestyle

FRIDAY randoms

:: friday randoms :: 
and I SWEAR this post gets more exciting than a kitchen gadget, but I am obsessed. 

this avocado tool has changed our lives.  I know I’m dramatic, but I’m serious.
my husband no longer has to be scared of me with our sharp as hell knives when I am removing the pit out of the avodaco every night and it works perfectly every time.   the little scooper-outer and cut in half aspects on the other ends of it are nice too. 
 but seriously the thing that removes the pit just by twisting it is life changing. 

One of the 97 things I forgot to mention in my Coffee Talk yesterday was how much I loved Dorinda Dorota in this weeks episode. and really in every one for that matter……
 even though her daughter drives me nuts and would be a PERFECT “edgy” contestant on last season of The Bachelor with the amount of lipstick she wears

but dorota was great in Atlantic City. 
not only was she like “want to know what your birthday present was romana you selfish beyotch? I took care of your wasted cougar BFF while she blabbed on about being BFF with ‘john john’ as if he is still alive so that you could keep dancing with the nasty men that undoubtedly fill atlantic city clubs.”
PAH-REACH to you Dorota. 

annnnnnnyways. 
this maxi is so adorable – I love the color and extra detail with the V straps

and this cute outfit (for under $100!) makes me want to hit the gym 
and wish I could look like her wearing it . luckily I am aware enough to know it ain’t gonna happen. 

in other ‘get in my closet news’, Amazon Prime is my favorite thing in the world and is more dangerous than Target.  Amazon having designer clothing just does not need to be happening and I shouldn’t even be perusing it.  
I saw this adorable dress and am obsessed with it. 
// fit and flare dress //
last night was one of my favorite nights ever. 
my friend that has all of the bravo/nbc hookups was at the nbc upfronts and I was eagerly awaiting the pictures so I could simultaneously live through her. 
a few photos stolen from instagram : 

CAN YOU EVEN?!?! 
can you even IMAGINE if I was able to attend this every year? 
ughhh so jealous. 

side note, that contains NO SPOILERS or information about Scandal I SWEAR

they showed Olivia’s nails at the end and I just kept thinking “you are the epitome of perfection from head to toe, and you don’t have any nail polish on? whaaaaaat? there’s no way? the manicure lady must have been hungover and forgotten to show up on set that day?”
one time during the first season, I posted a photo just of olivia on instagram with an old school flip cell phone circa 2002 saying how unrealistic it was and I got SO MANY hate comments I was like 
PEOPLE do you really think the queen of TV is going to post any revealing information about a show in instagram? GOODNESS GRACIOUS CALM DOWN.

one of my besties from college is in town this weekend (hence why I am posting this at 2 pm on friday… we already brok
e into the prosecco storage cabinet last night)and we also have a wedding tomorrow.  Hope the rain holds out and hope you all have a good weekend! 


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coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

  
discuss amongst ya-selves……. 





get excited y’all because I reached a new low this week!!! 

(readers thoughts: that’s not possible. you’re at rock bottom on a weekly basis)
I get so annoyed with how I can’t find pictures of the TV shows that I am talking about (I’m looking at you Bravo) that I took pictures of my TV during Shahs of Sunset so that those of you that didnt see it can get a semi-decent idea of the outfits I am describing. 
Um, YOU’RE WELCOME. 


UMMMMM the premiere of Shonda Rhymes newest show just came out.
and, no surprise, it looks incredible!


amazing.  How To Get Away With Murder had me on pins and needles every, single, solitary week.
I have no doubt this will do the same.

:: DWTS :: 


 I have cried every week watching DWTS for almost the entire season.
LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN IT IS SO GOOD.
watching Len talk about how he can’t dance anymore,
I WAS SOBBING. 


I made my friends in Scottsdale watch select dances from the season in hopes of making them DWTS converts…. I need more people other than my mom to discuss this with.  Kind of like Big Brother (don’t even get me started on how my generation everyone I know of any age is missing out on the greatest summer program ever.  I don’t understand how it is the #1 show on TV during the summer yet NO ONE I know except my mom and I watch it. and a select few of you lovely readers who are clearly my favorite people and have your sh*t together.) 





:: RHONY ::


sonja is just legit batsh*t crazy.


if my “friend”, even just a “for the sake of the show friend” 


made me stand in the rain for an hour instead of inside her house before going on a trip, or before anything for that matter, for any reason, I would not have let that go as easily as they did.  we all knew sonja was insane but I had no idea she was insanely rude as well. 


I truly don’t think I’ve ever seen anything ruder.  


even flipping a table was more considerate than making them stand outside in the rain…… I don’t know how and I’m totally wrong but I can’t think of another example and I just want to really drive home the point that is was BAD. Gawd Sonja. 


Between her and bethenny talking 90 miles a minute and interrupting each other that is all I took from the whole episode. 


just their voices….. a mile a minute….. ugh.


I’m ready for the OC drama and that new weird show they keep showing commercials for about all the blondes dating each others ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands but being best friends for their whole lives. that looks like a show I can get behind. 





I mean WHYYYY is Vicki crying on the phone in the trailer for OC Housewives and hurling herself on the ground?! WHY. 





:: shahs of sunset ::


um, MJ IN THE 80’S WORKOUT OUTFIT AT THE BARRE CLASS.


ALL HAIL THE QUEEN THAT IS MJ. 


I know, my photos of my television are UNREAL. but the outfit was necessary. 


I would totally leave the house to workout if this was what it’s like….. they sit and gossip the whole time and lift their ankle off the mat a little bit just to appease the instructor. I love it. 




and then we can’t even (literally. can’t even. ha) discuss Reza’s bachelor party on the trolley bus with the pole and the male strippers, because my mother nance pants reads this blog, 



just kidding, we know that’s not why, its because THERE ARE NO WORDS and I was covering my eyes and peeking through and not even believing what was coming next.  and then I’d see MJ doing who knows what and laugh my head off. 


AND THEN THEY PAN TO A FARM WITH FARM ANIMALS AND THEM DRINKING WINE AND ASA SAYING “I HAVE ALL KINDS OF SURPRISES….. JUST WAIT!!!”


I was just like Oh Asa girl you have NO. I. DEA. 





farmer chris and whitney are posting instagram pics of them in iowa like “look at us, in iowa, this is so fun we are together!”





yeah try me in 6 months.  not gonna happen.  I have a hunch about these things…… and by hunch I mean theres a 2% success rate with that show so I am basically a tarot card reader and can say HELL TO THE NAH it won’t work. 





:: southern charm :: 


I don’t even knowwww what to say.


Such a giant mess of an episode and it’s only the beginning based on next week.


This place that they are staying at on Jekyll Island is UNREAL and I want to be there right now.  The cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. 


Kathryn storming out on the patio into Whitneys face was one the most hilarious things I have ever seen. 


even when changing into her nighttime-drinking-jammies her hair is still in a full on bouffant. get it girl. 


 It must have been DEAD silent everywhere else on that GORGEOUS property except her flipping the heck out.  


What are our thoughts about Kathryn and Craig taking a golf cart for a booze cruise at 3 am and it “dying” and them not getting back to the hotel/inn/gorgeous-mansion-place until morning?


Based on how many sentences Craig has fully formed all season, I’m thinking theres no way they had even 5 minutes worth of conversation to be had…… soooooo you be the judge.


it’s too bad kathryn pulled some drama that night, because we find out that simultaneously T-Rav was busy getting arrested for assault whilst finishing up his election race for mayer. 


you just keep out-doing one another in the worst way possible. 


I meannnnn an assualt charge from a friend is, like, a total step up from cocaine charges right?


I think he’s a shoe in for 2018…… next term will be his……..





:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 


duh to my spirit animal MJ.


at the “petting zoo wine tasting” bachelor party the morning after the secret bachelor party. 


“All I can wish is that I was still as drunk as I was last night to make it through this lame ass bachelor party”


but the real mazel is to starting the episode in 80’s jazzercise and ending it in a safari jumpsuit with gladiator sandals.


I mean….. PAH-Reach girl. 


if only my photo did cut off the gladiator sandals because they really completed the safari outfit. 





ok, like every week I know I am forgetting 97 things and I’ll remember them midday at work and then forget to discuss them again………. 


for example, I forgot to post this on Derby Day so why the hell not just post it now? 







as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.








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fashion, Lifestyle

:: wishlist wednesday ::

lusts for the week…….. 
there are A LOT.
 I am so excited my favorite wardrobe season is almost hurrrrr. 
silk dresses and sandals time! 
   
// fringe top // under $75 


perfect for wedding season….. 



this is seriously the cutest romper I have ever seen – the stripes the skinny straps the bow the deep-V… it has everything! 
// yellow pocket dress //

this cashmere scarf is a splurge, 
but it’s a classic so you could totally justify it…… 

// striped cashmere scarf // a splurge worth every penny! 


my favorite color for summer always : cobalt blue 

I want to LIVE in this sweatshirt. perfect price, and perfectly thin for just a little something on the cooler summer nights. 
// striped racerback dress //  under $100 and an open back! 








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Lifestyle

:: tuesday things ::

:: life lately :: 


The last of my big weekends away has passed 🙁 I think I will actually miss being at the airport every 5 seconds….. maybeeeee. 
I had a long weekend in Scottsdale with girlfriends this past weekend and loved it so much! It was incredible – the weather, the food, hiking Camelback mountain (making it all the way and then knowing the rest of the weekend was about relaxation, fun, and cocktails) 

I ordered a selfie stick off amazon because I was dying to get one and use it lets be honest for our hike of camelback. 
I actually lived in Scottsdale a few years back after college for work so it was SO much fun to be back. 
even the cactus knew we were coming. PAH-REACH cacti.  
and two and a half hours later, we had make it to the top and back down, and brunch and beers and a full weekend awaited us. 
Friday night we ate dinner at Sumomaya 
and OMG I am not kidding when I say we LOVED it so much.
The music and atmosphere was a close second to the insanely good food. 
outfit : I am obsessed with this BCBG dress.  I wore it with a brown leather braided belt to define the waist, and its a miracle worker how flattering and slimming it is.  5 pounds slimmer the second you put it on I promise you.
// BCBG dress //  

 both Friday AND Saturday we ate brunch at La Grande Orange because it was so good we didn’t even want to bother eating somewhere else. 
We had so much girl time laying out and laughing our heads off. 
It was the perfect weekend to recharge the soul.
except for the raging headache I had on Sunday morning and the fact that I stayed up late drinking around the outdoor fireplace every night…….  but whatever, my version of ‘recharging’ I suppose.


I started reading a gift I was given for my birthday : 
Nora Roberts The Liar
and I LOVE IT.  

If I wasn’t falling asleep during half of the plane flight home from Scottsdale, I’d be almost finished with it.
I’ll give a review when I’m finished, but spoiler alert, I already am saying it’s a great one! 


if you follow me on instagram you saw this, but the weekend before last I hosted dinner and my monogrammed china arrived just in time! 

I set the table with the china and our wedding crystal and it made me oh so happy. 
our china is from Fragile Gifts in Atlanta (who were seriously a dream to work with).


hopefully our cable and internet problems are remaining in the past, 
because last week was ROUGH. 
me, last week, without cable or internet 

I have LOTS to catch up on 🙂 


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coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves……

I don’t have too much for today; see yesterdays post. 


:: random :: 
ummmmm.
this is Justin Timberlake.
 as a lime.
in a tequila commercial. 

(mind blown)
see article here 

:: RHOM :: 
I always forget to talk about a million things each week, and I remembered this gem from last weeks Real Housewives of Melbourne and had to share it.
So Giner (Gina, but they say Giner.  My co-workers name is Gina….. guess what I now think of/maybe say every time I say her name…..)
So Giner launches a line of shoes and names a pair after each of the ladies.
Well, of course she does! 
She can’t stand most of them, so why wouldn’t she name her shoes after them? 
The ladies are a little PEESED and see right through her “kind gesture” as using them for their name to sell shoes. 
( you can check out the hideous stripper heels interesting collection here)
Petitefleur is particularly ticked……. to which I want to say, YOU HAVE THE WORST NAME EVER. 
So anyways, I really love me some Janet.
Obvioiusly.
Janet is mad that Giner lent her name to an ugly shoe! A “nana shoe”!?
Janet is developing a tea line and her response to Giner’s insulting shoe is this : 
“Well I’ll just name my bowel-cleansing tea Giner.”
SLOW. CLAP. FOR. JANET. 
well played. 
also, remember when last week I was like “Waaaaait…. Am I liking Gamble???”
Gambles sister has plastic surgery and Gambles recovery methods consist of champagne for breakfast.
Ummmmm Gamble you are seriously growing on me girl. 
and for reference: the shoe below is what the melbourne ladies think is a kitten heel

I meannnnn how tall are the shoes they are wearing because I would not be walking. 


:: random ::
adele dressed as george michael is EVERYTHING. 


:: shahs of sunset ::
reza and his fiancés conversations about their bachelor parties kills me.
two bi-polar conversations that intertwine for our viewing pleasure. 
While MJ and Reza talk about male genitalia flopping around, Adam and Asa discuss a “beautiful picnic”.
also, MJ has a funeral for her beloved dog.
If this is what these people wear to a dogs service, what do they wear when people pass away?!? 
oh, and GG gets black out drunk on a first date at a bowling alley. 
ya know, typical tuesday for GG. 

:: random :: 
I have never, and will never, understand The Met Gala. 
I seriously think it’s so ridiculous.
I mean, I love fashion, but I swear this is just rich peoples Halloween

and sorry I’m not sorry, Coming to America wore it better.  

:: jackhole of the week :: 
its not really a ‘jackhole’ but the fact that this is the top news story online right now
breaking news : kylie jenner has had lip injections
WHAT?!?!
NO!!!???!
REALLY!!?? 

:: mazel of the week :: 
MY HUSBAND KIPPER.
we were watching my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen on WWHL (slash I was watching and he was with me) and he looks at the TV and says “HELEN HUNT!” 
since this is the man who didn’t even know who barbara walters was, I looked at him like a crazy man.
“when I would come home from school the only channel on our wooden TV played Mad About You before Full House came on.”
soooooo my husband has the hots for Helen Hunt  and watched an incredible TV show as a child.  slow clap for my husband.  today I am such a proud wife.  


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