discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

Why do these girls that have one night stands with Shep allow their faces to be shown the next morning, traipsing down the stairs? Just don’t sign the waiver! Note to all of you early 20 somethings sleeping with Shep in Charleston – do NOT sign the waiver.  Because the voiceover of your smudged make-up and bare feet on the stairs will be how he wishes you had left in the middle of the night and it is just NOT good.

Can Patricia, and everyone for that matter, just STOP trying to make Thomas and Landon happen?

But all this episode is really about is Hashtag Carpenter Craig and his delusions about life.

Naomi comes home from working on her masters/studying/adulting looking exhausted and he is embroidering Gizmo the cat on all of their pillows.  She’s staring at him sewing and asks “What did you do today?” I want to cry for her.  And then she notices that he doesn’t even sew anything, the machine does all of it for him, and for some reason her realization and saying “Wait?! You don’t even sew the computer does it!?” moment alone was perhaps my favorite part of this entire episode. YES NAOMI.  HE DOESN’T DO AN-EE-THING.

Except make Cameron wait 1 hour at a house because he is “stuck in traffic” and then see a house and say it is gross and “not something he wants in his portfolio.”  Can someone please inform me what this “portfolio” consists of because I would LOVE to know.
When Craig realizes Naomi has spoken to Cameron about their relationship he is pissed.   Note to Craig: You are on a reality show; not only will the closest friends know, the whole world will know!

We go to Jennifer’s house for a Sip and See for her baby (and a gorgeous house at that! Can I see a home tour? Someone give me a home tour!)

Naomi comes to her senses for a hot minute and ditches Craig when he is making her late once again and arrives separately.  When Craig arrives, he is like an irritated toddler not getting his way, yet he completely spins the situation onto Naomi.  I don’t think anyone thought Carpenter Craig could look any worse or stoop any lower, at least I didn’t, but yet again he surprises us all!   He is becoming one of the most delusional people to grace the Bravo screen in quite some time.  No wonder he could always put up with Kathryn!

He is so demeaning and rude to Naomi.  “So, child, you can speak.  Go ahead.” and then he continues, to Whitney “She’s an f’ing moron. She acts like a spoiled f’ing child.”
(When watching the episode I stopped writing notes entirely and just wrote : Craig is a little shit. And honestly I think that sums this up perfectly).   How dare he call Naomi a child! My mind is truly blown with THIS CHILD’S behavior!

:: SOUTHERN CHARM SAVANNAH ::

The new spin-off/second city of Southern Charm has begun in Savannah.
It seems like they are trying to replicate preview of a “dinner party from hell” right from the get go…. must we make every franchise kick it off with a dinner party from hell??

We are introduced to Nelson and Ashley two friends from growing up in Savannah and attending Savannah Country Day, which they inform us is the best of the best. Oh goodie! Adults still trying to live in high school!

As Nelson is saying there are several rules for the “upper echelon of Savannah” and shows them sitting on the dock I am thinking “Rule #1. they would never be caught dead in whatever ensemble this blonde girl is wearing and a lady would never sit with her super short dress and sneaker-ed feet up on a chair barely blocking her crotch.”

But I mean hey…. what do I know?

This is so pretentious.  I cant stand this show already.  Or at least these two. He is awful and so full of hot air.

We have Hannah, a Woodward girl for all of you Atlantans.  I do not know anything about Savannah Country Day, but can say with some confidence that I doubt Woodward would be “its sister school”.
Hmmmm Atlanta girls, let me know what you think, but I seriously doubt that. And why are 30+ year olds defining their lives on high school?

The local Rob Kardashian, Louis, comes in who has quit his finance job and now says “No more stocks! Only socks!”  I mean does he not know mom-ager Kris Jenner has already taken charge of that market and he doesn’t stand a chance?

Ashley is a fashion designer (with absolutely horrific taste and awful clothes).

Princess Kate was a model in her show at St. Andrews in Scotland and was wearing one of her designs when William first spotted her. That part is amazing. The clothes not so much.

We meet Catherine.

Catherine is sitting and talking about how important and wonderful her family is – her Grandmother “was a Colonial Dame she was actually the national president”

Producer : “So was she a decent of the colonists?”
“Um. I believe so? giggles!?”
Producer : “What do you know about the colonial period?”
“I know there was 13 colonies, right?”

Catherine is setting up a party for her on again off again boyfriend of forever, Lyle (could there BE a more awful name?)

She makes a comment to the party planner about Nelson’s last name being Lewis and that he was a big deal in DC before falling from grace and that was all she said.  I quickly paused and googled and the FIRST thing that came up shows that he is just as full of Sheyite as he seemed in the entire intro!  You can also check out this Page Six blurb on his many lies.  Why, oh why, do people like this then go back on television for the whole WORLD to know about their scandalous past?

Everyone starts arriving at the party and Nelson walks up and says “you remember Katarina.”  Pan to “Nelson’s Girlfriend” underneath her name an him saying “I have a lovely girlfriend named Katarina.  I think she’s sexy as hell (to be read with the same amount of sass he said it with).”

WHAT!!???
You can tell I am “live” writing this because I just yelled at the television and I am having to hit pause and type every 5 seconds.  Something has happened and my mind is blown.

I feel like we all are thinking the same thing, and I probably wouldn’t expand so much on it, but even THE SHOW immediately does a whole clarification on how it totally seems like he is gay but he is not gay and ends it with him saying (again, to be read with the same amount of sass he says it with) “Heterosexual wasps like myself have always had a flair for European women.”

I waited for the podcasters that recap all the Bravo shows on Watch What Crappens (two hilarious men who happen to be gay) to comment on this part, and they confirmed my thoughts: we all know what’s going on, and normally it’s not even worth commenting because who cares, but he has taken it to such an extreme that they are just going to comment on it.
On Watch What Crappens one guy they felt bad for the girlfriend and the other said : “Oh that girl knows! Some girls just want to marry a gay guy; you know they’re going to cheat on you but at the end of the day you fun at dinner together.”
That really had me laughing.  Katarine probably is having more fun at dinner than I am.

I mean, just the one second clip of him drinking through a straw says it all?!?

And the rest just keeps layering on from there!
Seriously. Mind blown.
But back to his political scandals in his past……

Turns out I didn’t even need to pause and google Nelson because they are going to spill the whole tea for us right here. I think the two male party planners were more intrigued to meet his girlfriend than hear about his scandalous past. Which “giant elephant in the room” were they referring to?

The party is still going, but Ashley strips down into a high cut one piece and jumps into the water.  We’re one episode in and this is her second scantily clad one piece water jumping scene. Nipples blurred an everything.   I will tip my hat to her for having no fear.  I would never in a million years jump into that nasty dark muddy water, especially at night.  And especially in a white bathing suit!

Benny, the Colorado hairy hippie one, tells his backstory.  He grew up extremely wealthy and then his dad was charged with 77 counts of embezzlement.  He went from rich and partying to having to work his butt off and took over the law firm and it’s more successful than ever.  Never saw that job coming from a mile away with the multicolored sleeveless tanks and backwards mesh hats he was wearing! Good for you Benny!
Just shower a little more and shave and you’re the best one on this show by far!

Four of the girls head out for dinner together and dinner gets interrupted by a phone call to Ashley that her house is on fire.  She understandably runs out of the dinner and the girls decide they should go by the house to make sure everything is okay.  But not before Catherine stands outside nursing her drink and says “Should I ask for a to go cup?”

SERIOUSLY????
Okay…. everything with Catherine was very childish this whole episode.   Especially her relationship with Lyle (still can’t get over the name Lyle) where she wouldn’t even hug him at his party and would act like a shy child not making eye contact, but THIS?!?! Your friends house is on fire! Grow up and put your damn drink down and go be with your friend!

…..soooooo with that, we are one episode in.
What are your thoughts? Because I really laid it all out there!
I much prefer Charleston.  Hands down. 10 times over.
This seems very forced and like the people are trying really hard. 
But you know I’ll watch any garbage, so consider me on board.  Shocker.

:: BELOW DECK ::
I am so glad this is back on! It’s one of the few shows (only shows? well, Peoples Couch but that hasn’t been on in forever!) that Kip will watch on Bravo.
Bobby and Hannah drive me insane though.
Bobby is still just as obnoxious as ever, but the invisalign has helped 10x and his teeth look SO much better.
I don’t know why he thinks every girl is immediately going to be all about him on the boat. Note to self: Hannah isn’t whats ruining your chances of getting with anyone.

Did you see the huge fight the two got into on WWHL with my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen? Those two went AT IT! 

:: THE ARRANGEMENT ::
Can’t believe it, but I am sad the finale was this week.  Parts of this show were so bad and stupid, but I got really into it.  I blame Leah Remini…. I am hooked on all things Scientology.  (And yeah right that “The Institute of The Higher Mind” and this entire show is not based on that)

I also always had the hugest celeb-crush on Michael Vartan from watching Never Been Kissed, Alias and Monster-In-Law (the worlds greatest movie with Oscar worthy acting from my beloved J.Lo).  And he plays the craziest, most awful person ever in this show SO well and really gives me the heeby jeebies. (editors note : how do you spell heeby jeebies?) 

PS> I re-watch Monster-in-Law every time it’s on TV and it will never. ever. not be amazing.

:: WWHL ::
My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen has a gift for getting people to spill the shady tea on WWHL.  The best stuff always comes out.  Patty Lupone shared her thoughts on everything from Madonna being a horrible actress (calling her a “movie killer”) and more.
And it excited me mostly because I could use this gif.

What has become of my life? don’t answer that.
Literally my first thought when she was spilling the tea was me visualizing and hearing “Shut Up Patti LuPone” in Jack’s voice, and the second was how excited I was to be able to use the Will + Grace gif.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
Jennifer Hudson is joining The Voice!

I think she will be a great addition to the show!
And I would much rather see her than Miley and her damn tongue every week

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
Paris Hilton is certain she invented the Selfie.
although if I’m honest, if I think about it, if anyone is going to get credit for it, it actually would be her.
right?

but still… we’ll call it the Jackhole.

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.