discuss amongst ya-selves…….. 

:: Listen to Your Heart, from the life sucking creators of The Bachelor ::
I would just like to kick this week off by saying I AM NOT WATCHING THIS GARBAGE.
Not even one minute.  And I am proud of myself.
I have enough Housewives to keep me busy these days.

ABC has robbed me of too many hours of my life I’ll never get back just from Bachelor/ette/Pad/Olympics/Paradise alone……

:: 90 Day Fiance ::
I am so so hooked on this show that now instead of just watching the Pillow Talk version we’re watching the real episode and THEN also watching the Pillow Talk episode the next night.
It’s also the only “mutual” show my husband and I have right now, so that is probably why…..
IT IS SO GOOD YOU NEED NEED NEED NEED TO BE WATCHING.  I can’t believe it took me this many years to start this.
Big Ed is a particular highlight this season.

I can’t even look at my television screen when Ash is on there.
It’s like he’s trying to kill me with his eyeballs. 

And don’t even get me started on David looking for “Lana”.  How is this he this oblivious?!  It’s like I feel for these people, but I don’t, because how can ANYONE be this stupid?!

:: RHOBH ::
We’re back with my (second) favorite ladies (RHONY will always reign supreme).
Thank you Bravo for giving us what we need in these trying times! 
Not much has changed but it seems like it’s been FOREVER since BH last aired.

Dorit is as pretentious as she always was/is/will forever be.
Kyle is as gorgeous as ever MINUS THE BANGS.  Kyle’s style is VERY touch and go – in my opinion far more misses than hits – and yet she is  “designing” a collection that she seems to have never laid eyes on.   Good thing she has Dorit, who knows SO MUCH about running a fashion empire there to help her! Ya know, when Dorit isn’t busy being parent of the year to PHEE-NIX and JAHH-GAAHH and PEE-KAY. (I’m actually kind of sad we didn’t get an obnoxious PEE-KAY moment in the premiere but I’m sure there will be plenty coming.)

Teddi pregnant is going to be even more obnoxious than regular Teddi.  (Loved seeing the re-play of Kyle re-enacting Teddi’s walk in France.  Still a highlight of mine from last season.)
I’m already in love with Garcelle as a new addition.  And TOTALLY forgot about her being in Coming to America which is one of the best movies ever.

Sutton seems like a total pretentious ass, which I am also here for when it comes to my Housewives.  I DO think she thinks she is better than these women, and in real life, SURE OF COURSE YOU ARE.  But this isn’t real life.  If you are coming onto a Bravo show, especially Housewives, you’re as desperate for attention and fame as the rest of them.  So try to have a leeeeeetle bit of self awareness.

Denise was such a ray of light and laughter last season and I feel bad about what is obviously going to be the worst time for her ever (ya now… separate from all that Charlie Sheen stuff…..) But Denise…. be a little nicer to the waiter! Come on!
I really appreciated Sutton’s immediate disdain for everything going on the night she meets all of the women in NY: their clothes, the lack of placecards, their cocktails.  Erika’s ass is hanging out, Dorit is wearing some useless designer, everyone is dressed like a trashy hooker.  I loved the commentary on it.
Kyle’s fashion show OVERALL looked better than I was expecting, but her outfit alone was just about as bad as I had anticipated.  I did appreciate her “Eat an Almond” comment to her daughter when she said she was hungry (channeling Yolanda’s comment to her daughter during the early days.  Kyle was CLEARLY joking if you are new to the Housewives…. Yolanda sadly was not….)
And only on Housewives would Paris and Nicky Hilton be subtitled “Kyle’s nieces” as if that is all they are and are unknown to all of us.
And then….. THEN….. we get the perfect dramatic 2 minute ending to show us things that will unfold this season.

The editors on these Housewives shows have really stepped up their game in recent seasons and slow. clap. for. them.

:: Summer House ::
WHY is Jordan back on my TV this summer?!?

It was like 5 episodes in a row focused on Jordan?!?!
Thank God Carl put an end to it because Jordan makes me insane (the only good thing Carl has ever done…)

And poor Jules…. every episode showing her wandering around alone…. the producers are really doing her dirty.

Nothing much to unpack here, but it looks like next week things will finally get good?!

And it does make me REALLY sad to realize there won’t be
another season of this because they won’t be filming this summer! 

:: RHONY ::
The greatest housewives cast is B A C K.
Except we kick it off with no Bethenny…. I’m crying…..not really… but I would….and probably did when she announced her departure?!

LuAnn is walking out of a court all “Lu and improved”.  No one loves Lu more than Lu.
Sonja’s first scene is already everything I need and more from her – chomping on a sandwich mid hug and spewing food over LuAnn’s shoulder.

Ramona’s tagline is that she is in love with herself….. cut to her crying her eyes out at dinner about needing a man to hold her, want her, and love her. Well… the “crying” where no tears ever come out of her eyes like she always does and it’s just her voice that changes into a puppy squeal.

Dorinda is still with John the Drycleaner and I still don’t (and never will) understand why.  This relationship boggles my mind.

I’m interested to see what happens with the new girl Leah because she just seems SO different from the other women.  And I don’t mean the arrest or the (gasp!) tattoo.  I just don’t know what she really has in common with any of them?! (Although clearly her and LuAnn already have lots in common, and Tinsley doesn’t really have anything in common with them either?!)

Speaking of Tinsley, who is this BRUCE that she was dating?!??!  I know she is currently engaged to Scott but I never heard anything about this “Bruce” character?!

Snarky side comment: LuAnn’s dress from Dorinda’s party is the dress in her confessional…. I meannnn.  I know I’m someone who has spent the past year rotating the same 4 sets of pajamas – half the time maternity pajamas even though I am 1 year postpartum, and topping it with a white fluffy robe, but I am a common lazy housewife.  These are HOUSEWIVES.  I need a different dress for the confessional! Come on LuAnn!! Beverly Hills would NEVER DO THIS!

Sonja had sex on Colin Cowie’s sink in St Tropez.  She just throws that tid bit out there.  I LOVE SONJA.  If she leaves along with Bethenny this show is DONE FOR.

Dorinda…. ugh.  I can’t handle another season of THIS kind of Dorinda.  The one who just goes off over anything and everything and tries to act like such a badass!

Fight over something worth fighting about, not this garbage of Tinsley being on and off with her boyfriend? She has a trust fund Dorinda.  She isn’t a sugar baby to get shoes from The Coupon Cabin Man. RELAX.  Save your energy for your drunken rants we all know and love!

week two of  RHONY :  The women head to Ramona’s house in Hamptons.
Why do they care about a tattoo so much?! With what these women do….sleeping with pirates, married men, literally crapping themselves all over Cartagena….  ONE TATTOO is what we care about?!
Ramona sitting at her back patio table and drinking vodka while hurling insults about Tinsley and Lea having no idea how to host …. as they clear dishes and drinks off Ramona’s patio…. is Ramona in a nutshell.
Though I do love her putting LuAnn in the basement and acting like it is the penthouse. LuAnn deserves it after everything she pulled last season with her probation AND the season before with her engagement and “It’s About Tom”.
I can’t tell if Tinsley is serious about her dogs only understanding Chinese and or if she’s trying to create some “content”…. unfortunately I think she is serious and really uses a google translator to say “good girl” to them in Chinese.  Thank Gawd this girl has a trust fund.

:: BELOW DECK SAILING ::
Ughhhhhh.  WHY AM I WATCHING THIS CRAP?!?!?!

Adam being this irate over his girlfriend of 2 weeks dating someone that Georgia did and him being “repulsed” by it is Adam going back to his true colors from his previous seasons.
He is coo coo crazy.
And Jenna is PATHETIC for immediately telling Georgia to tell him it’s a lie to appease him. They deserve each other.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

I think all I talk about every week when I recap this is how they all are THE WORST.  But it needs to be said.  And I think Tom and Katie right now are the worst.

She’s a wet blanket (the nicest way I can possibly put it) and he hurls “this is why I don’t sleep with you” out of his mouth IN FRONT OF EVERYONE as though he’s saying “don’t worry”.   And I am as lazy as I can possibly get away with but they take laziness to a whole new level.  Not even filing paperwork for your wedding that was about 3 years ago? Really?

The only thing I care about are Scheana’s Montages of her saying “he’s my best friend” (it cracks me up every time).  I wish she was still dating Rob so we could get the montages of her talking about Rob hanging a TV in 7 minutes….

but alas…. the Kentucky wedding is over so we don’t have much else going on.

Speaking of the worst…..the new people, like Max (NO) and especially this new manager girl….. can these new people get off the show and we can just stick with the original people that are now hitting 40 but acting like they are 21?!
.

VPR : T he Vegas Wedding Episode

Why is everyone constantly talking about LVP and sleeping with Lisa and everything Lisa?  Like, Tom Schwartz SNIFFING Lisa’s Bra…. I can’t with this! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!
If they are trying to keep their spot on the show it’s one thing, but I fear it’s them being even more messed up than I ever realized.  It’s disgusting.  And LVP RELISHING in it and loving it is just as disgusting.
(I’m over LVP if you’re new here…. glad she is gone from RHOBH)
HOWEVER.  She looked so gorgeous this week.  I don’t know how these women keep getting better looking every year?! (editors note: something tells me if I was as rich as LVP I’d be able to figure out a way to not look like I was hit by a semitruck, too, but still…. she looks good.)

Basically this week was just me agreeing that the manager of Caesar’s is good looking, enjoying seeing what the Vegas Garden looks like (I LOVE ME SOME VEGAS) and then being like UGH with the rest of it.

Also, this episode proved they are CLEARLY trying to make Vanderpump Vegas the next spin-off with all the air time of Scheana’s Doppleganger.  But it truly is alarming how that girl is identical in every way to Scheana Shay.

:: SHAHS OF SUNSET :: 
Destiny’s date with Sarah’s brother this week.  Wow. Wooow. How can someone possibly belch that much?!

And I’m still not over the MJ and Reza situation.  It makes me so sad to see that a 30 year friendship could end and end so explosively.  I always loved Reza but I will never be able to think of him the same way again.

The fact that MJ was ready to move forward after what Reza did blows my mind.  Even if the horrible comment hadn’t happened – the way he handled her horrible birth experience and called her up to yell at her while she was recovering from the hospital is INSANE.
(But I know from current interviews on my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen’s WWHL
that they haven’t made up and still aren’t speaking.)

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
It’s the anniversary of Ramona’s infamous runway walk

This will never, ever, ever get old.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
my apologies for lack of weekly Coffee Talk like the good old days.
My little twin loves take after their mother and if the television is on their eyes are LOCKED and IN LOVE and want nothing else which leaves me little time for my beloved TV until late at night.
I’m also too tired to proofread my own nonsense,
so if it reads as though Teresa Giudice wrote it…….sorry not sorry.