:: RHOC :: 

The season of constantly humiliating Shannon continues.  We open with sounds of panting and sexy-time music playing in the background and moments later the music screeches to a halt and we are left with Shannon trapped on the spin bike, hating her life more than she already hates David.

She explains that when she professed her hatred of spinning more than any other form of exercise, David promptly bought her a spin bike.
I mean…. I’m laughing… but it isn’t funny. Damn that David!

Lydia has solidified her story line this season as not being about glitter and rainbows, but about her husbands vasectomy.  And week after week she continues to discuss Doug getting his “balls chopped off”, so much so, that now I am truly concerned that  she believes a vasectomy truly is having your testes removed.
update: she was on my-boyfriend-andy-cohen WWHL and had to clarify that she does in fact know this… so she must be getting lots of this from people…. 

I will say…. I think it’s pretty clever to call it a “ball voyage” party.  I think it’s hilarious.  But hilarious if you are just going out with your girlfriends to be like “Hallelujah we’re done with kids – cheers!” not to have an entire story line on a television show, throw a party, and take men and women out on your boat with your husband to celebrate the night before.  That…. that I think is weird.
(and you may argue Kelly did the same thing last week for her reduction…. to which I say…. yeah she did.  But boob cakes are always funny and Kelly Dodd is insane.  So…. there) 

Vicki found out that attention and flowers (and dare I say CASSEROLES?) were being sent Kelly Dodd’s way post breast reduction, so she needed to get the focus back on her.  We learn through her raspy phone call with Lydia that she has been diagnosed with Influenza B.   I had no idea what she had said she was sick with – they subtitle everything on this show, and we can’t get a subtitle for that? But later at the girls dinner, Kelly Dodd says she’s sick with THE FLU.  And then it is explained she has “Influenza B” aka THE FLU.  She in UN-believable.

We realize that the two prior attempts at “cancer-gate” conversation that we saw earlier this season are long from over, and again, I am also extremely confused about Peggy and the “3 mm” “nothing” and then it turns to a “3 mm” “cancer” and then back.  I have no clue.  All I followed was that all of the women admitted to having HPV and basically cheers’ed to it.

Shannon is making me crazy this season.  I love her, but she’s killing me.  She is constantly causing problems and drama and then crying and screaming and acting like the world is against her.  Last week things ended with a big uproar between her and Lydia about, what else, boobs.  It seemed like it was put to bed after Shannon had a meltdown and basically forced Lydia from leaving until things were resolved.  So, after resolving things, Shannon then invites all of the women to dinner EXCEPT Lydia.  That is so mean! Take your anger out on David, not on Lydia! And in the whole Lydia v. Shannon debate, I am sadly on Lydia’s side.  Shannon has been nothing but coo coo crazy around her, yelling and crying and running away.   WHY would you keep it going like this, when she has let you off the hook 3 times already?
This shouldn’t be surprising though because this is what Shannon does with EVERY new housewife (even though Lydia isn’t new, she is new to Shannon).
So, Shannon is mean girl’ing Lydia.  Then Lydia calls to invite everyone to the Ball Voyage. And Shannon immediately wants to know “Well, is Vicki going to be there?!”  Um??? You can’t dictate a guest list for someone else’s party? Especially someone that you aren’t even friends with, and that you didn’t invite to dinner the night before their party.  Sorry, lady.

Editors Note : Sometimes I go and read the blogs on Bravo to see what their reactions are to what is said about them, and also how they defend their behavior on these episodes and it’s just laughable.

:: Kelly Dodd Divorcing Michael :: 
Kelly announced Wednesday that she is filing for divorce from Michael….

I can’t help but think it’s not going to happen or they will get back together.  I also fear for her behavior on the dating scene. Thoughts?

:: RHOD :: 

I am really loving Dallas.  And I am really, really excited for this Mexico trip.
Cary is back to butting heads with Mark and discussing their sex life.  “You know it’s really bad if we’re only having sex once a day.”  I can tell you one thing, if my husband were reprimanding me for building a business with him and then needing to cut back on my work hours to spend time with our own child, the last thing he would be getting was daily sex.  You’re making us look bad Cary! And I don’t just mean with your perfect hair! (Seriously I catch myself just oogling her hair constantly….)

The plastic surgery theme from OC continues right on in to Dallas.
Brandi is driving LeeAnne to her plastic surgeon/vagina doctor – insert triple board certified debate – and we learn that Cary had done something similar to Brandi’s doctor for her “mommy makeover” post babies.  Only hers was worse.  Cary said that Brandi’s doctor had killed people on the operating table.  I mean…. I don’t think she would (or could) make up blatant lies, so that is just a tiny bit terrifying.

The terror continues the moment they arrive at the OBGYN office slash Plastic Surgeon’s.
He has A LEVEL.  Like, construction/hanging pictures level on the counter.
“We use a level…. It can be a bit confusing.”
EXCUUUUUUSE ME??
WHAT??
If you’re a plastic surgeon isn’t it your job to know how to get nipples even WITHOUT a construction level?!
LeeAnne, get your head out of your ass and listen to Cary – RUN GIRL.

Brandi really cracks me up, especially when she has no filter and just cracks herself up in her diary sessions. She is talking about how perfect LeeAnne’s rack is and how she shouldn’t mess with it at all.  That she would walk around with it on display forever.  And since they basically show it, with just the bits blurred, I would agree.  Perhaps this is why Rich stays with the Crazy Carnie? 

And somehow, right before going under the knife at the hands of a vagina doctor, LeeAnne’s concern isn’t herself, but Cary.  We hear LeeAnne’s words, growling and angry, through the mic behind closed doors.

“She’s going to come for me one day and it isn’t going to be pretty.  Her husband gets his ___ s___ed at The Round-Up.  I know the boy who did it, I didn’t grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth…. I grew up with a lot of things in my hands and they’re not knives …..they’re just hands. But they work quite well.”

(If you didn’t watch last season get on it. But really, you should see what she did on the girls trip to the Austin Lake House).  And we all know about the sandpaper police report…..
But seriously…. THIS is the person giving motivational speeches!?

Cary tells Mark that it’s the last surgery she’ll be participating in to his great displeasure, and I just keep wondering “when does the icy part go away enough for you to even have sex once a day??”

Stephanie meets with her life coach and discusses her kids and family life.  Side note: Stephanie’s face is looking much more back to normal, and now I am believing her that she hasn’t done anything. The first few episodes she looked totally different, which she said was puffiness from crying, so I’m glad to see that perhaps she didn’t go too overboard with the fillers.

Cary and D’Andra go to the gun range with their husbands and the only thing that is important about this is WTF is on Cary’s feet.  It was so awful it needed an iPhone photo of the TV.

It’s like combat boots meet clown shoes insprired by IT or something?
She made up for it by wearing a super cute striped navy and white maxi to Mexico later though.

Why is LeeAnne going to Mexico when her breasts are still wrapped in banages?
Is this better or worse than Ramona getting a chemical peel before Mexico? Somehow, I still think Ramona’s is worse.

The ladies fly to Mexico! Playa del Carmen to be exact.
Brandi is already asleep in the van on the way to the hotel and  I don’t blame her! You’ve seen how exhausting her little girls are!? Mama wanted some cocktails!

Cameron is wearing white jeans with the cutest pink gingham shirt and then she bends over to take her shoes off and we see that they match.  And sorry not sorry, I’m loving it.  I also just realized I loved not having really any scenes with Cameron this episode…. oops.  I think I’m fine with her when she’s with the group, but all of her scenes at home with her family are kind of stupid and awful? Sorry.

If you thought the level thing was scary at LeeAnne’s “plastic surgeons” office, just wait.
I truly cannot believe what went on at this plastic surgeon’s office!
He told her to get a compact at the drug store and put it in between her breasts so there isn’t any bulk there and then tape it to yourself — WHAT?!

Cameron can’t believe that Brandi is telling the girls about LeeAnne’s growling threats, but I can! And dont forget – she never repeated the gay bar thing, which was the only actually hurtful thing – so Brandi was being a friend to both parties while still being honest, if ya ask me.

D’Andra continues her full time lecturing of LeeAnne, even though it never works. “If you keep saying the same thing over and over people are going to believe it.”
UM YEAH.  I believe the Crazy Carnie and her threats!
dumb (even for me) editors note : how great would it be if LeeAnne’s name really was Carnie? 

:: RHOM is returning…. maybe??  ::
There are rumors of Real Housewives of Miami making a comeback – with a twist of some sort – to Bravo. I mean…. I wouldn’t be opposed to it…. I need some more Mama Elsa in my life.

:: Big Brother ::
Meant to discuss last week that I have no faith in America after Cody won America’s Vote on the finale.
NONE.  You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

:: DWTS :: 
I love this show so much.
I am blanking on everything I have to say except
1) My crush on Nick Lachey has never & will never go away
2) Franki Munez’ excitement about being on the show is the sweetest thing ever.
2) HOW THE H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS DOES PETA HAVE THAT BODY POST BABY??!!
and trust me when I say these pictures don’t even do her justice!

:: Kylie Jenner Preggo at 20 ::
I’m sure you know the news that Kylie is apparently pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby.

I know it isn’t a rarity, but seriously, I just cannot imagine having a baby before being able to have a legal drink.  Call me a square, but yeah, I’d like to experience ordering wine at dinner before experiencing child birth.

:: Khloe Preggo now too?? ::
Forget Kylie, now the news is that Khloe is pregnant.
The more shocking bit of information I learned from this article was that her boyfriend had a baby December 2016 with his ex-girlfriend….. I mean…. weren’t the two of them together already?! (update: Yes) He had a baby with another lady 9 months ago?

These Kardashians really know how to pick’em!
I mean….. was this common knowledge??
That his ex hadn’t even given birth when he and Khloe got together?
I also then learned that the ex-gf-baby-mama is cousins with Kevin Hart’s wife….. I just can’t.

:: This Is Us ::
Cried 3 times.  SO happy it’s back.
But, crazily enough, there was even a comment from Kevin’s character about a bazillion more Kardashians being born in this weeks episode!  And this was obviously filmed way before any of this baby news so I found that to be hilarious.

:: Cardi B Bodak Yellow ::
While perusing my entertainment news yesterday, I saw that some song called “Bodak Yellow” had dethroned Taylor Swift’s song “Look what you made me do” for the #1 spot. I was like “Oh goodness! I haven’t heard of this song or this person! Let me look it up! Can’t wait to hear it”
I wish I could take these thoughts and the moments that followed immediately.
SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? I have officially become a 60 year old housewife because WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?
How can that song even play on the radio!?
Never thought I’d be missing hearing “Look what you made me do” but I am.
If hating this song and everything about it is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

:: End of Fixer Upper ::
I want to cry This Is Us tears over the news of this upcoming season of Fixer Upper being the finale.  I am truly devastated.  It is MY FAVORITE . What am I going to do without Chip’s antics?! Even the re-runs that I’ve seen 97 times each are amazing!  Truly….. this kills me.  I am SO SAD.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::

There will be no Jackhole this week, only MAZEL’s! It’s premiere week for so many shows – even my husband was excited about TV this week (never. happens.)
And the biggest of them all goes to Will & Grace

I cannot believe this is happening.  Truly.  Can’t believe it.
I am so freaking excited
AND it already got picked up for a second season before the first episode even airs.
You know where to find me tonight!

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: NEXT WEEK ::
Next week is the premiere week of some truly amazing television.
But none of it matters….. except for one :
THE RETURN OF WILL AND GRACE.
NEXT THURSDAY.
IN THEIR ORIGINAL TIME SLOT.
In the words of Jack McFarland

OHH…. MYYY…. GAAHHHHH.
I feel like next week I should just do a Coffee Talk of Will & Grace gif’s…..
I feel like I should cancel work and just have a party or something!?
Who wants to come over!?

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS :: 

I really want to hear a full speech from LeeAnne, just to hear what it’s really like.  And see her facials. I’ve got to take in the full experience.  Anyone know where a recent full recording of Ms. LeeAnne Locken would be? LeeAnne is back at her motivational speaking and a few of the ladies came to watch. LeeAnne waves, walks off stage, and mere moments later is talking shite about Cary.  How inspriring and motivational! I love D’Andra continually calls her out: you can’t talk crap about people the same time as giving a motivational speech.  Maybe this is why you aren’t good as an adult at making friends?

Brandi’s kids are just absolutely insane.  How on earth can she think she can handle another? I have no idea how she survives each day! Certainly no thanks to Brian!

I love that LeeAnne is at the carnival and knows how to win EVERY game.
This is pure gold – I have never loved LeeAnne more.  It’s incredible.
And I must say, I never saw this proposal coming!

I cannot believe that Mark is this hands off as a dad and this big of an ass of a husband and fine displaying it on TV. It always scares me to think that if people are like this in front of cameras, how much worse are they behind closed doors?! He seems like someone that really cares about appearances, and he’s is looking AWFUL, but maybe his concern only extends to fashion.

He is as bad as Cary’s daughter Zuri (why can’t people pick normal names?) with whining.  And for him to constantly criticize her for spending time with her daughter…. um, WHAT? I can see why Cary, Brandi, and Stephanie are a 3-some –> they all are sick to death of their awful husbands and rightfully so.

It’s time for the ladies to arrive at D’Andra’s Honest Tea.
side note : I will never, ever get over D’Andra’s house.  I mean……. 

Kameron discusses what is acceptable for a Tea Party and Brandi comes in wearing the opposite in a dress displaying full rack of boobs, above the knee, and in a stretch white limo.
I love it.
As Kameron is insulting in her diary room commentary, Brandi is being nice and giving her a gift.

I don’t know why Kameron can’t just graciously accept the sparkly pink gift bag (and Jack Daniels – bet you anything Kameron won’t touch Jack with a ten foot pole) and move on.  Brandi didn’t need to do that and went out of her way to apologize and show she cared. Brandi isn’t concerned; she why Kameron’s the way she is….
“She needs to get laid, I bet she’s too tall.”  Ha!

D’Andra is an idiot naive for thinking this could go a certain way, and for thinking there would be peace at this Honest Tea. But I’m loving her shutting down the Crazy Carnie, so she can do wrong this episode.

Many things (and curse words, depsite D’Andra having a judges gavel)  are said : LeeAnne confronts Brandi about not being allowed in her home, Cary tells LeeAnne her plastic surgeon may be “triple board ceritified” but perhaps a vajajay doctor shouldn’t be operating on your face (uh, YATHINK?!), there are more discussions of Mark being gay (can this stick with Eddie or Mark and not both, it’s like back to back same story lines on Housewives!) and then the C-word comes out of Ms. Motivational Speak LeeAnne’s mouth and D’Andra loses all control of this Honest Tea.
I love when women I’m supposed to aspire to be like call their peers See You Next Tuesday’s, don’t you? I meannnnnnn she seriously cannot control herself. It’s nuts. 

…. we end with LeeAnne discussing her sad childhood again, I start cracking up because I think we all can recite the story and it’s just hilarious at this point how she just starts going into it over and over again to deflect from whatever is going on, and D’Andra literally not allowing it. I’m sorry D’Andra is the best thing to ever happen to LeeAnne.

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC :: 

The theme of this episode was boobs, so I was on board from minute one.  I had hoped it was a sign that it would be the best episode of the season (still… not saying much).

editors note : the only time my husband has noticed anything I’m
doing on my computer in months was glancing over and seeing this photo.

Kelly Dodd is going to be getting a breast reduction. She has had a lift (I think?) and implants to a size G.  But I think everyone knows her knockers are the biggest in OC Housewife history,
and her blue reunion dress last season proved it.
Kelly has her husband Michael (aka “Hitler” as she refers to him, not sarcastically) make a cast of her boobs out on the patio facing the beach for the world to see (and when there’s a camera crew and producers out on your deck, I’m sure that even less people notice what is going on, right?) . Seriously, why was this not done in the bathroom or something? Her husband was, like, really getting in there.  It was….. a lot.  Her neighbor was outside on the porch during part of it! Although that’s probably one of the least offensive things the neighbor has witnessed from these two.

Tamra gets wind that Vicky was once again spreading Gay-Eddie rumors and this time with Tamra’s former Man-Of-Honor, Ricky. Can we please retire this story line? For the love of gawd!
also, just so Ricky isn’t getting the satisfaction he clearly wants by being talked about?
also, Ricky, the fight is from not being invited to her Baptism? Trust me…. you missed nothing.
Vicki’s defense is that she isn’t spreading it, she was just talking about it.  You know, similar to “If I said someone got into a car accident it doesn’t mean I caused the car accident.”
What? Am I drunk? How does that even…… whatever who cares.

I’m happy Shannon has the restaurant to focus on (and thought the logo’s and brand designs all looked really cute – having it be with lemons especially!) but methinks she is using this as a big distraction from the real issues.  She is saying long before David and the Affair, she wanted this restaurant and goes on and on and on.  It’s called something to distract you but sure, let’s go with it.

We arrive at the “volleyball” party, although it really just a party to celebrate Kelly’s breast reduction.  I guess one last game of volleyball to feel the weight of her boobs and how uncomfortable jumping is??  Meghan was not invited, and pretends not to care, but with how much Meghan has been meddling this season and how he hormones are making her start screaming and crying at Lydia when they are on walks, ya know she cares.

I am living for these weekly highlights of Vicki’s outfits.  This week : some kind of awkward legging with ties.

I really don’t understand what Steve sees in Vicki (obviously) but more so because he tries to talk rationally to her about 7 times this episode.  Steve, who the hell do you think you are dating? Have you ever GOOGLED your girlfriend? Him calling her out on being consumed by Tamra after Vicki acts like she never thinks about her is hi-larious.

Of course, the whole party has to be about Lydia the “friend whisperer” getting Vicki and Tamra back together.  Vicki goes nuts, Tamra fake cries for the 4th time this episode, and then VIcki denies ever lying about anything. Ever. The fact that she can STILL deny ever lying about cancer (cue the tape) is beyond me and makes me insane.  Vicki “is not a lair. (She’s) on an ethics committee.  (She) doesn’t lie.” I really laugh at how she thinks she is defending herself. But at the end of the day, Vicki and Tamra deserve each other : they are both horrible people, so they might as well make up and be friends again.

Soon, Shannon joins.  Then Lydia.  Then Peggy.   Then yelling and separating.

Shannon, who made a point of saying to Vicki that she doesn’t affect her (after Vicki makes a point of bringing up that David beat’s her again), talks about how 35 pounds later it’s all because of Vicki.  Does she not affect you Shannon or are ya blaming it all on her? Pick a lane.  Shannon doesn’t want to make it about her, but immediately makes it about her. Lydia, unfortunately correctly, points out – doesn’t Shannon always make it about her?  And in case you’re a little on the fence about it, Shannon soon makes it about her when she won’t let a silly Peggy comment go.  And then, she even makes a boob job comment all about her and a huge ending to the party all about her with a crying hissy fit.   Good.  Gawd.

She is A MESS. I feel for her, but seriously, LOCK IT UP.  I believe she didn’t mean anything about Lydia and was unaware, but can you just spend one event not flipping out?! Just remain impartial and stay out of everyones shite?!

I’m guessing that Shannon is probably pretty upset after seeing this episode air because her BFF Tamra throws her under the bus about 7 times.  Saying she calls her 25 times a day, high maintenance, and not running to save her during everything that goes on later at Kelly’s house.

Shannon heals all by going to the bartender for some vodka and venting about her life to either 1) the bartender who isn’t listening or 2) just drinking and talking out loud to herself.  Either way, it was a great ending!

:: Kim Richards and Kingsley ::

I’m sure we all remember Kim and her terrifying dog Kingsley (and the dog trainer that nearly lost a limb when attempting to train him).  She doesn’t have the dog anymore, but is still paying for him – $59,000 in fact

:: Emmy’s :: 
I’m still laughing at this clip of Nicole Kidman trying to steal the Emmy out of Reese’s hands

:: Kevin Hart :: 
This Kevin Hart stuff is nuts.
…. however….. I will say that if you are the mistress that has the affair with a married man,
why do you think he won’t turn around and do the same thing to you?
????? Will never understand it.

:: Ben Affleck :: 
Speaking of cheaters…..

Ben Affleck went public with his girlfriend at The Emmy’s, also known as the long time girl he was cheating with.  And then right after, Jen Garner is there by his side for the sake of the family.

She is an angel.  And WOAH doe he look awful lately.

:: Scott Disick ::
Fresh off a psychiatric hold, Scott is shacking up with Nicole Richie’s little sister.

It just makes me think of how back in the day Kim was the assistant to Paris Hilton when Nicole and Paris were the stars of the reality world, and wondering what Nicole thinks of the whole thing?!
also, makes me just think EW.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 

Josh from Million Dollar Listing LA got married last weekend.  It was a star studded Bravo affair.

and I’ve seen some pretty amazing chuppahs at my friends wedding,
but wow – that full flowered dome is pretty insane.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
How did I never know this?!

My-boyfriend-andy-cohen had Dateline reporter Keith Morrison on this week and revealed that he is Matthew Perry’s stepdad since the 80’s!!!
He also had Keith Morrison just read a bunch of garbage in his voice and it was ah-mazing.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.