The Sarcastic Blonde

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

July 30, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves….

:: the bachelorette ::

lets just take a moment of silence to thank the tv gods that this season is over.

………

the highlight of the episode was how SHOCKED kaitlyns family was when she announced that she accidentally went too far with one of the contestants. and by shocked I mean it would be like me announcing I just spent a Sunday accidentally watching an entire season of a TV show.

I felt bad for about a half second (okay maybe a whole second) when Kaitlyn was dumping Nick because he TOTALLY did not think he was the runner up being sent packing AGAIN.

then I just thought it was awesome because I remembered I can’t stand him.

and then he throws his claddah ring from ireland in the limo at the camera like a little beyotch and I was like this is awesome I can’t believe I even felt sorry you for a second.

Then she picks Shawn and I was like “UGH I can’t stand you both. IS IT NEXT SUNDAY ALREADY? Get off my television!” (just kidding then I watched hour 3 of this crap with a pointless after the final rose. Lord help me.)

and I thought I was crazy for thinking shawn’s face looked different, but then I went online and saw that other people were talking about it too?

perhaps he just discovered the oil wipes that the producers of ABC for some reason never thought to hand him.

:: Gisele did WHAT ::

oooooohhhhh eeeemmm geee.

did you hear the story about gisele wearing a burqa to get plastic surgery in paris?

so, I’ll tell you,

page six says gisele wore a burqa to go get her eyes done and a breast lift in paris.

SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION I CANT EVEN.

first of all, wearing a burqa has been illegal there for years.

second of all, she wears freaking flip flops. yeah….. because women who can’t even show an inch of skin can totally show their entire foot gisele. NO.

then she uses her longtime driver to take her to and from.

SERIOUSLY THIS IS SO CONCERNING is her personal assistant as dumb as she is?? I mean, they must have a whole team of people that “planned” this secret act.

I MEAN. WOW hunny. WOW.

brain. trust.

:: RHOOC ::
I seriously just can’t with Shannon this season. I really can’t.
I have anxiety ever time she starts to speak. I have anxiety even thinking about it right now. shannon flipping out in front of everyone for every single answer david gives during the “couples game night”. ohhh my gosh my skin itches its so painful to watch.

LOOK AT THEIR FACES. I mean seriously I’m sorry is there really any hope?!?

I also just really can’t with Meghan. they both are awful for completely opposite reasons.
meghan acting like she is ACTUALLY parenting her stepdaughter and being in any way shape or form successful week after week just makes me feel embarrassed for her. but the way meghan talks is probably what drives me the most crazy. if you know me or have been reading long enough you may have caught on that speech and mouth movements of people I watch on a weekly basis really makes me crazy and her mouth has that effect.
also, lovely pink hair on WWHL. I don’t know which was worse, the turban on the trip or the current hair color.

and don’t even get me started on vicki going all postal about women spending their husbands money (when no one was even spending anything or saying anything about that). ummmm pretty sure you’re just being an angry lady that is a slave to her job and your boyfriend is a golddigger who you do everything for. but whatever.

but I DO agree with vicki on how PERHAPS you should take a pregnancy test before a trip to tahiti to find out if you are pregnant or not. it’s 2015. it takes 1 minute. I know Lizzie, the advances in science are just mind boggling.

:: RHONY ::

for real though, when is Sonja going to get a legit dentist?

it’s like, has her dentist never heard of an implant?

how do teeth keep falling out. its been YEARS you should have this figured out by now.
Listening to Carole and Dorinda talk was very non-housewife like and I loved it – it was like watching actual reality television sans drama and it was wonderfully real and sad.
and apparently red jumpsuits are the new outfit, because every single person in attendance at the Skinnygirl event had one on. and single Ramona is even more obnoxious than married Ramona good lord.

:: bennifer ::

if ben affleck is really cheating with the nanny I am gonna be peeved.

i mean if it was J.Lo……

just kidding just kidding I hate a cheater.

:: jackhole of the week ::

I started watching unreal and kind o hat myself for watching it and weirdly liking it.

its horrible. truly awful.

annnnnnnd I’m 8 episodes in……. ugh eff my life.

seriously send help. i think this is me hitting rock bottom.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: wishlist wednesday :: all under $100

July 29, 2015

:: lusts for the week ::

all under $100 !!

{ peplum tank }

{ two blocks dress } under $50

{ silk halter dress } and 50% off!

{ short sleeve chambray popover }

{ square neck tank dress } under $70

{cross back dress} under $50

{twist back romper} 50% off!

{ twill anorak }

{ blue + white dress } under $60

{striped shirt} 50% off, under $30!

{bias jacquard fit and flare} 50% off

friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: tuesday things ::

July 28, 2015

:: tuesday things ::

I pride myself on being able to identify actors and actresses within seconds of seeing them in something.
unlike my husband who is basically like “thats J. Lo” and the person is like Carnie Wilson (clearly this is not a real example, because no way would he ever know who Carnie Wilson is, but TRULY that is how drastically NOT the correct person it is but he INSISTS he is right.)
but I digress………
sooooooo when my friends sent me this text about the movie Trainwreck that we saw yesterday I could not believe my eyes.
HER BOSS WAS TILDA SWINTON?????

I meannnnnn I thought she looked familiar, but NEVER in a million years would I have thought was was Tilda Swinton.
Mind. Blown.

can I get an AMEN that The Bachelorette is over for the season?

I can’t believe I invested so many hours watching these cheese dicks.

I am SO EXCITED for Bachelor in Paradise it is going to be heavenly.

trailer
and to make it even better, it will be on 2 nights a week 🙂

after using the same shampoo for a little while I get the worst build up right at the crown of my head. no matter what, it never seems to go away, and even after shampooing my hair will look and feel greasy in that one spot. it makes me crazy! switching shampoos wasn’t even working anymore and my friend told me about Bumble + Bumble Sunday Shampoo.

{ bumble and bumble sunday shampoo }

you just use it once a week, and OH MY GOODNESS it is perfection. my hair hasn’t been this clean in a year. I am obsessed. and the bottle will last so long since you only use it one shampoo a week.

I got this self tanner off Amazon because it was the #1 rated one on there.

{ fake bake self tanner }

I was supposed to use it for the wedding last weekend, but I freaked out and was like AH what if I do it wrong I’ll just be pale and try it next weekend.
soooo I’ll report back on if this is successful or not. I’m just terrified to put it on my face. any face self tanner recommendations?

has anyone tried the Jergens moisturizer/tanner thing – does it really slowly build up a good tan like it says it does?

whyyyyy did I swear off the tanning bed? my body needs sunlight!

I’ve been stalking Nordstrom Rack for some maxi dresses for Italy. I had been trying to do the whole “pick everything in one color palate” thing and was going to do blue + white, but now I feel like I just need to pack a bunch of dresses and as long as most are solids I can try to change them up to wear at least twice with different accessories ? HALP. my packing anxiety struggle is real.

blue maxi // orange maxi // pink maxi

my friend brought me her copy of JoJo Moyes One Plus One so that is next on my list!

I just started reading it last night and already love it.
I read my first JoJo Moyes book (me before you) on our honeymoon last year and I think this one is going to be even better.

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend recap ::

July 27, 2015

hope you all had a wonderful weekend!!

Thursday I went with my girlfriends to the rooftop bar/restaurant at the Chicago Athletic Association called Cindy’s.

there was a forever wait for dinner, so we did the next best thing and went to shake shack.

this was my first shake shack experience and HOLY GOOD LORD it was incredible.

incredible.

we had friends in town staying with us for a wedding this weekend and it was such a fun time.

brunch at summer house on saturday

the wedding was at the Palmer House, a hotel I had never been to before.

it was so beautiful. stunningly beautiful and so ornate and vintagey.

I want to go back for drinks at their bar soon!

the bride was a supermodel!

the band was possibly the best wedding band I have ever heard (ken arlen orchestra)

we all got VERY sweaty needless to say.

they had lou malnati’s and portillos late night (oh yea!)

so naturally kip fixed himself multiple plates of just meat.

I rented this Monique Lhullier dress for the wedding, and while I was initially like AH its YELLOW, I ended up loving it and the pockets were amaaaazing. I could keep my phone in my pocket to take pictures during the wedding and I seriously want pockets for every dress I wear to a wedding now.

this was when I hadn’t steamed it yet so it was still really wrinkly!

{ monique huller dress }

this is the dress I really wanted to rent, but of course it wasn’t available. I love it.

{ jill stuart gown }

and then we capped the weekend off with a lady date seeing Trainwreck.

these seats make movies HEAVENLY.

it was SO GOOD. hilarious. and I cried, like, a lot which I definitely wasn’t expecting.

but it was so funny.

Lifestyle

:: layin’ low ::

July 22, 2015

I’m still feeling awful. I think I never kicked whatever bug I had a few weeks ago and I am just coming home from work and climbing in bed with my ~~husband~~ remote and snuggling, reading, and passing out. I’m going to take the rest of the week off while my creative, extremely eloquent, intelligent juices recover (and perhaps clean up the gigantic pile of tissues the size of a person that have amassed next to my side of the bed).

I’ll return this weekend or Monday, hopefully healthy and refreshed, filled with posts about nonsense and celebrity gossip to make you feel better about your own lives.

oh…… this may be the NyQuil talking

….. perhaps my favorite thing I’ve seen while perusing the web this week.

this baker made a Taylor Swift Blank Space cake. I meannnnnn so cute.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: summer fashion with JORD watches ::

July 21, 2015

This summer I received this beautiful wooden watch from JORD Watches.

I’m very minimalist with the my day to day jewelry and accessories : other than my wedding rings, I wear only my gold rings, and maybe a necklace and studs. I was worried this watch would feel bulky or get in the way, but I was happily surprised with how lightweight and comfortable it is. I chose the Cora Series watch and I love the natural wood with the gold accents; it reminds me of tortoise shell which is my favorite.