discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

Since I was at the beach last week + missed so many premiere nights and finale’s, I tried to recap the shows from last week too! Warning – it’s a long one!

:: SOUTHERN CHARM ::
Episode 1: 
 The teaser last season was a clip from “Thomas’ Dinner Party from Hell”  then the season kicked off with “three months earlier” …. and in that case, the tease lived up to its promises. BIG TIME.  Man was that dinner party incredible. 

But this season, they have this whole “Thomas and Landon: are they or aren’t they?” and then  “three months earlier?”…..Um.  No thank you!  It’s either A) totally fake and they have no interest in one another romantically or B) them acting like morons because they should NOT be interested in one another like that.  There is so much going on with this show, and that is the best tease they can do?

If it can’t top Thomas’ Dinner Party From Hell… best to just not do any tease at all!

I love the intro every week to this show so much, with the music and the showing of daily activities and peeks into their Charleston homes.  Thomas’ house and property are truly unbelievable.  We see more than we saw last season because Thomas now has full custody of the kids at his house.  Well…. not his house – the guest house! So we get to watch him leave his house walk across to the huge carriage house in the back.
Why was there such a fight over the kids Periwinkle bedroom color if he was just going to toss them in the guest house?
I love how everyone is applauding Thomas on really stepping up.  I’m hoping he has, and sure he has in some ways, but has Thomas really stepped up, or has Nanny McPhee? Because the Nanny is the one living under the same roof with them in the Guest House?

I am not into Landon’s hair cut. It is not good.
Also not good, Landon dating a 24 year old.  She doesn’t seem to make the smartest choices, and my guess is that he is very interested in her very interested in her getting him screen time. But hey, whatdoIknow?

Hashtag New Craig is now Hashtag Landscaper/Carpenter Craig.  How many years can delaying the bar go on? And since we learned he didn’t really finish law school, when did the finishing of the law school actually occur??  Oh.  And it is the end of summer, but he doesn’t plan on taking the bar until February, so he still has months of backyard projects to pass the time.  (editors note : Dear Naomi, your credentials tell me you are intelligent, your choices tell me otherwise.)

The pinnacle of this premiere episode is a pool party at rich new girl Eliza Limehouse’s home parents home, who is Kathryn’s age, and whose father is friends with Thomas, so of course she is hanging out with Thomas (?)  The span of ages that hang out with one another on this show never cease to amaze me.  This pool party is 19-24 year olds mixed with mid-thirties mixed with old-folk-Thomas age.  Huh?

We still have yet to catch a glimpse of Kathryn, who has been in rehab in California all summer but in struts Kathryn’s cousin Shelby.

When Craig turns to see Shelby walking in, his face turns to such pure disgust that I laughed out loud.  Rarely have I seen emotion like that come out of a man in terms of dislike for someone else . Shelby seems just as classy as her cousin.  She is wearing an ill fitting red bikini with sky high stilettos poolside.  Class all the way.
Shelby is not saying very kind words about her cousin Kathryn. “Just because she finished rehab doesn’t mean she’s stopped doing anything.”   I think Shelby is real thirsty for some screen time and will do anything, including wearing a bikini with those heels poolside whilst trashing her cousin, to get it.

Also, I thought Whitney wasn’t coming back?

He doesn’t even live in Charleston, he lives in LA? Can we just have Patricia and not him?

Kathryn’s back….. and going to take her drug test…..

Episode 2 :
Kathryn is bacccckkkkk.

Her interview outfit is a purple Herve Ledger…. and while not quite as awful of a choice as her last reunion ensemble, this is a horrible pick.  Especially for something that will be shown in every episode.  Bless her heart. (I will up my iPhone photo taking because of course I cannot find an image of this.)

Cameron goes to visit Jennifer and her sweet little boy that was born with a birth defect. I just can’t imagine and I’m so glad they are including this in the show.

I am a fan of Shep’s and always have been.  But…. I’m starting to struggle with him and his constant nagging of Craig.  Why is it Shep’s place to say all of these things to him about not working and what’s his plan and yada yada yada?  Shep doesn’t work? Just because Shep doesn’t have to work doesn’t mean he can point fingers at others who don’t have money and don’t work. Am I wrong?

I agree with Hashtag New Craig (slash is he still Hashtag Landscaper/Carpenter Craig?) that he shouldn’t have to prove himself to his friends.

Then Shep takes it to a whole new level!
“We have a separate text chain. You used to be on the text chain.”
WOAH WOAH WOAH.  Talk about the meanest thing you can say to someone in 2017.

Get it, clueless reference? Because Landon’s ex husband is Dion’s ex husband?

Shep learns some not so flattering news about Landon and a business meeting she had with some tech guys.  If the people from Yacht Me are telling the truth about Landon’s comments at the meeting – WOW. “I don’t care about money, because everywhere I go everything is paid for.” Yikes. “I don’t hang out with millionaires I hang out with billionaires.” WHAT?

When Shep confronts her about it (at her ROAM launch party…… where you can see the website on a laptop in the corner……) she seems deny part of it but not all of it.

Who is this wasted chick at Landon’s website opening? Is this Whitney’s new foreign girlfriend?

HASHTAG I LOVE SOUTHERN CHARM. 

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

Part One :
I enjoy the reunions, it’s just that they drag them out so much.
The best part of the whole thing was James, who was quite funny, talking about Stassi coming CRAWLING back to be on the show from NYC.

I don’t think that group has ever collectively laughed harder – my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen included.

Part Two :
I get that Stassi’s little brother is cute and funny, but really?  Bringing him out on the reunion?

Also, this disturbs me to no end because clearly he watches the show and knows everything that is going on.  I mean…. episode ONE this season I could barely watch because of the brittany-kristen rumor that NEVER stopped being discussed with 45 different filthy “muffin” metaphors.  My goodness!! He is WAY too young for this!

:: JAX AND BRITTANY TAKE KENTUCKY ::

The trailer for Jax and Brittany’s new Kentucky Spin Off  has been released.
Ugh.  Of course I’m going to watch it (loser), but I really hope this is only a few short episodes – 3 max – because it’s going to be so bad. And I really hate giving Jax the satisfaction of this much attention.

:: RHOBH Finale ::

LVP’s parties just never cease to amaze me.  It looked like it was Pandora’s wedding all over again.  The budget for this night was more than a down payment on a house I bet, and a really nice house at that!

What are some of the people wearing at this party?  Forget Dorit and her golden-goose-poop-head thing;  Is Eden in a wedding dress? Is Pandora in a wedding dress?

I said it previously but Camille in that blue dress at pink party…. I LOVE IT. She gives zero effs.

LVP is such a sheyite stirrer:  “If Erika can keep her legs closed, and Rinna can keep her lips closed, we’ll all be fine.”  Rinna does need to keep her lips shut, but ENOUGH with Erika she did NOTHING.

When arugment 947 of the evening is beggining, Dorit is drinking bottled water.  All I kept thinking is “I’m surprised there isn’t fancy bottled water? its like, regular old plain-jane bottled water??”  HOW LOW CLASS LISA.  I mean seriously Kevin Lee….. that’s like party planning 101.  I’m shocked she doesn’t have VILLA ROSA labeled waters on stock at all times.  Sad part is I am not kidding.  I was shocked to see a regular old bottled water with the extent to which she does things.

Kyle’s main role on these episodes is to have crazy wide shocked eyes and ping-pong back and forth between whoever is going at it during all of these fights, as if she hasn’t ever witnessed them before.  Her eyes go from Dorit and Rinna over to Dorit and Erika Jayne.   When Erika Jayne imitated Dorit doing the finger waving I was like UH OH.  She is STEAMED. RUN DORIT.

After walking back and forth within earshot of the argument involving Dorit 10 times – and of course within camera shot –  here comes the 6th Housewife, PK!!  There is no housewife more in need of attention than freaking PK.
I wish Erika had done more than say “don’t call me Honey” when PK called her that.  He makes my skin crawl. When even Eileen is ready to kill you, PK, its time to roll over and play dead.

We cut to another inappropriate, unfunny husband: Ken!
PK says, in relation to Erika and PantyGate :  “What you think I’m interested in shagging you?!”
Then Ken says, “You could have invited me to change places when you had a clear view of the ____ ____.”
They are both disgusting.

Time for someone else to flip out! Crazy pants Eden.  When Eden stands up flipping out screaming “I’ve given you so much of my energy, my heart, my time,  you bitch!”  I love how everyone just stares are her.  There isn’t one person to even attempt anything because no one gives a damn.

For all of the awful things that come out of Rinna’s mouth, all she said was she put her gaurd up.  I mean….. she says worse things between every breath – and this is what elicits that response from Eden?

LVP : “It’s all going according to plan, (Eden) likes me more than Rinna”.
Um. Congrats? You won Eden! Enjoy the crazy! You’re so lucky!

Just like the first ever OC Housewife finale, they always end it with sappy music and a 1-2 sentence upate on what the latest is.   I really laughed at Dorit’s ending facts:  “Dorit’s son Jagger is speaking a handful of words…. it’s still unclear what accent he has…. but he will learn the lyrics to “Karma Chameleon”
I MEAN.  SLOW CLAP.

:: Beverly Hills Reunion Part One :: 
I love the “pre-reunion” package, and it was much longer this year. I love seeing them pre-hair and make-up in their casual clothes talking about their anxiety for the day and what they expect.

What on earth are Dorit and Kyle wearing.  It is simply horrendous.
Kyle, whom I love, makes these mistakes frequently, despite having a clothing store.
But Dorit for the most part looked fabulous all season? What is she thinking?

Similar to what I said about Vadnerpump Rules Reunion, it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it just is that they are all so so drawn out.   I do appreciate the recaps though because I had forgotten so much about the beginning of the season! Dorit having 3 housekeepers? And her getting the Birkin for jumping off of a boat into the ocean.  Goodness.
And I appreciated the re-iterating of Erika apologizing to Eileen for going nuts on her and overreacting.
The best part was the end, when the additional new Housewife, PK, proudly struts himself out there onto the couch.

Ugh.  Again, I just want Erika to annihilate him.   How can he act like he can just say “sorry, I looked once and that was the end of it”.  The things he said – and said to Dorit’s face even – over and over again were repulsive.  There’s a reason it was the main thing of the entire season and that reason is PK.

PS. Can I become a fabulous gay man who is a talented hair/make-up/clothing stylist so that I can fly Business class all around the world?

PPS. Wait…. but really, did anything even happen in part one of that reunion?

:: Real Housewives of New York :: 

I love the intro style this season, where they show a snippet of each person before diving in. (ala Southern Charm?)
editors note : I realize now that I have started each show with loving the intro, but I can’t help it! I am loving the changes they are making! Taking it from Southern Charm all the way through.  Bravo, Bravo. (see what I did there?) 
I especially love Dorinda saying “$4 for water? What’s the profit margin on that? Four dollars? Yeah….”
Also, Dorinda looks amazing.  Glowing.  I have missed her.

Carole and her boyfriend Adam (really? more of her and Adam? his voice! at least his hair is a little better this time around).  But I digress…. Carole and her boyfriend Adam kick it off with ZERO story line just like last season.  It’s ridiculous with their puppy “baby” (don’t even get me started on the dog being named “baby”) and now they have two kittens.  Whoop-de-do.  This is Housewives people! We don’t care about “Baby” and kittens!

Cut to Sonja at her townhouse.  Did she just put what I think she just put into the dishwasher????
Am I seeing things correctly? It’s Sonja, so I must be! Her tagline is about no Grey Gardens this year afterall.

On the sex toy in the dishwasher note, Sonja is doing an off broadway play called “Sex tips for straight women and gay men.” I MEAN. (hashtag thank goodness she is part of this show.  she kills me.)

Cut to Ramona.  How much can Ramona discuss divorce, boyfriends, husbands, being single to this poor contractor? Oh, and the poor man’s name is MARIO of course.

She answers the door in a neglige! And then sends him out the door with a bear hug and puts her forehead against his as if they just finished making out and are looking into each others eyes.  I mean….. is she on menopause meds that give her 10x too much estrogen? Each year she is getting more and more horny and answering doors to men in less and less clothing.  (Last season, during “We Got The Yacht” she was ripping her shirt off when the yachtie brought her luggage down. Now, a silk teddy.)

I miss Frederick and Million Dollar Listing (thank goodness it is back soon!)
I do not miss seeing Bethenny video-tape herself crying her eyes out walking around her old apartment and saying “get this” while she walks into the closet wailing.  That was weird then, and it’s even more weird now.

Cut to LuAnn standing on her outdoor space on the Upper East Side! WHAT! This place looks insane!
Also, I thought Tom wasn’t rich? So this is Tom’s place? Is it a rental?

She did a video tour of the apartment for People Mag that you can see here (spoiler alert: the entryway has an umbrella stand with about 17 umbrellas and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it the entire intro)
They don’t show a whole lot in the video unfortunately, but the terrace at “Casa D’Agastino” is incredible.

Most notably missing : a shot of TOMMY’S COOKIES cookie jar.
Did you die when they showed a full shot of that in the show? Or was that just me?
Do you love my iPhone pics of the TV?  Good.  Me too.

I really did laugh at Bethenny exhausted by Carole and hiding out and whispering “OH MY GAWD I KNOW CAROLE” about the constant election talk.

editors note : Nevermind. I now see what Carole-I-Have-No-Story-Line’s story line will be for the season.
Well played Carole, you found an angle other than Bethenny’s side kick from last season.

Ramona goes to lunch with LuAnn to ask why she wasn’t invited to the bridal shower and that it upset her.

Perhaps the reason that you aren’t invited to the bridal shower is because you are sitting at lunch discussing him cheating and saying “I hope you don’t fall on your face with him.”  I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want you around for the celebrations?

Episode 2 :
Bullet points for last night’s episode because it’s past my bedtime and I’m just now watching!
I wish this wasn’t on Wednesday nights!
– We meet Ms. Tinsley Mortimer, Sonja’s new houseguest.
– Bethenny “Today I decided I’m in a good mood…..” Oh. That’s nice.
– And now it’s a competition of Carole “I just got 2 cats” and Bethenny “I just got 2 dogs.” And back to Carole’s only story line being the election.
– I love Tinsley making fun of her own mugshot and her eyebrows looking like they are flying off of her face… because they do! At least she OWNS IT (to be read in LVP voice).

– When is Ramona not going on a date? She shows up at Cryotherapy ready for a date?
-Speaking of Ramona, did her apartment look that different last week? I mean it did, but I had to rewind the before and after twice because at first glance all of the colors and everything were the exact same.
– Only Ramona continues to say she doesn’t know someone when someone is insisting they have met several times.  And for goodness sake : why do you keepyour sunglasses on indoors everywhere now?!?!
-Dorinda and Sonja just need to make-up, this is ridiculous.  She missed nothing but a sheyite show in the Berkshires.
– Oh thank Goodness Ramona has a hickey! Between the sunglasses AND that awful thick neck scarf I was wondering what the heck was going on.  I should have known it was just her raging hormones.
– Is Bethenny walking in to this party with a GIGANTIC saran wrapped Skinny Girl basket? Of course she is!!! I mean Mauricio had to have learned his THE AGENCY promotion from someone. I’m shocked she isn’t wearing Skinny Girl red to top it all off.
– I think these women are going to eat Tinsley alive; she seems far too friendly and optomistic for this New York bunch.   Plus, the new girl always seems to have a rough time.
– The Sonja-LuAnn-Tom love triangle is so awkward.  And even if Sonja does wish she was with Tom, it reflects poorly on LuAnn for saying it.
– Bethenny always says something each episode that makes me cringe and then something that makes me do a hands-up-PREACH. “Three things Sonja needs to let go of :  Tom, The Townhouse, The Berkshires.   We all wore pajamas, I called LuAnn a whore, we called it a night.  That’s what you missed”.  PREACH BETHENNY.

:: SWEET HOME OKLAHOMA :: 

When this show first started, I had said I wasn’t quite sure if I liked it or not.  I’ve decided that I definitely do, but that I wish it wasn’t so “produced”. It’s like Chrisley Knows Best in a way.  The first season of that show was hilarious and then it became more and more staged situations/produced things instead of just having it just being them talking and being funny.

This isn’t at all “staged” the way Chrisley is, but I definitely enjoy the random nonsense more than the “pulling pranks” and such.  I think the women are clearly funny enough on their own.  AND I love a show where the women are all friends and get along. (Like the AMAZING show Secrets + Wives with the Jersey High School friends all grown up.  Why don’t I remember that being the name of the show? I had to google it. I must be losing my mind.)  

The one woman, Pumps, wearing a rubber glove every time she lights a cigarette – slash at all times – is hilarious enough to me. 

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
I don’t know if this is a real Mazel, but for these two to make it this long, why the heck not.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are expecting a baby.
Who would have thought these two would still be together after all this time?
I wonder if Spencer has already bought crystals for the baby? Or if his crystal collection helped her get pregnant?

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

discuss amongst ya-selves……. 

Unfortunately, I have to keep it short and sweet this week.
I was babysitting my niece and nephew for two days straight, and HOLY COW.  I don’t know what being tired is.  Shout out to all the moms who function on a daily basis…. because I am struggling today.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::  

My compliments for Katie and Tom’s wedding keep flowing. who am I? It’s a very pretty wedding in every way.  The ceremony space was beautiful.  The flowers looked so gorgeous for the “alter”.   (NO way did she not get help with this floral budget. )

LVP looks amazing,  Not the clothes, her.  The clothes and hair are horrible.  I can’t stand the clothes she picks (see: this week’s RHOBH. awful).  But her face looks perfect.

There are a lot of tears during this wedding ceremony…. Tom Sandoval even needs to wipe his on the dog.  Literally using the dog as a handkerchief.   Maybe he’s just doing it to show off those sweet highlights?

How many eff bombs are going to be dropped in these speeches?  Keeping it classy as always.

Somehow, everyone is being so nice to each other? even Jax? is my heart melting? is my brain fried? am I in Dorit’s “Two Babies at Home” Drug Den and PK has slipped me something?

These people just spent weeks screaming and yelling (technically years.  week after week.) and I am just shocked that they are all locking it up enough to be nothing but lovely to one another.  I bet Scheana Shay is pissed.  Remember all the crap that went down at her wedding? Like Kristen throwing punches?  Everything is smooth sailing all night long.  Not even Tom’s brother giving 4 speeches about absolutely nothing (and more eff bombs) can ruin this.

Slow Clap to the Vanderpump Kids for keeping it together.  I never thought I’d see the day.

Why on earth is LVP talking about opening a bar called Tom Tom with Tom and Tom? This is the strangest thing I have ever heard in my life, for a million reasons.  I should do a whole blog post listing them.  First to come to mind is when Tom and Tom attempted to be “wine reps” and “run” her wine company.  Remember that sheyite show? Check out last season if not, because their “sales pitch” was pure gold.

But if Lisa’s legitimate idea for a bar is Tom Tom, then perhaps these morons are her best bet, because that is the worst name I have ever heard of.

Of course this entire wedding Shay is nowhere to be found.  We see him once eating by himself at a table with Scheana in the forefront of the camera shot.  And then we see him once again at the end of the wedding looking as lackluster as ever in a tie dye t-shirt.  He was probably saying “alright I gotta get back to my fan and pillow over my face now.”

had to repost this photo…. gotta use every opportunity for my TV iPhone pictures.

Also, Katie finishing the wedding events talking about how she hopes everyone looks at them and sees their amazing relationship is high-larious.

We fast forward to three months later, when everything has hit the fan with Scheana and Shay.

This was actually super sad and difficult to watch.  I felt bad for both of them.  But do we really think adderall is the culprit here? Because as someone who attended college, I am familiar with people taking adderall.  Shay acts…. hmm… NOT at all how anyone acts taking adderall.  Other than the staying up for freaking forever, he doesn’t appear to be on adderall.  But I guess I appreciate him choosing adderall as the cover-up drug of choice? It would technically explain the all nighters?

But, as he informs us, when you are PASSIONATE about something YOU STAY UP ALL NIGHT. Ummm… no Shay.  I don’t think that’s how it works? But okay.

One thing I did thoroughly enjoy: First words
Scheana : “Did you pierce your ears?”
Shay:  “It was kind of a dare”
I was laughing out loud at this.  Exactly how everyones divorce sit down begins…..

Okay, two things I enjoyed: Scheana starting to say “I was talking to Lisa today” and he says “I don’t give a damn about Lisa, she has her own kids, I have my own parents.”  I mean, it may be drugs talking, but Pah-reach Shay.  Pah-reach.  I don’t know why on earth these people act like Lisa is their mother and they don’t have their own mothers and treat her like such an absolutely God (well…. I guess everything they have is because of this damn TV show, so technically I know exactly why they do it).  It cracked me up because I thought it was so true and LVP needs to quit acting like she is their mothers telling them what to do.  The relationships between everyone at that restaurant, her included, are just all sorts of messed up.

I lied…. they give me too much material…. three things : Shay admits that she pays for everything he does. But other than taking all her money she like, never cooks for him anymore, so she is, like, useless and totally to blame.  She points out that COMING HOME is a requirement of her to be able to cook him a meal. He forgot about that part.

Okay, you know me, they keep coming to me:  four things I enjoyed: the hot purple suitcase he packed in.

Scheana needs to lay off the botox BIG TIME.  She’s too pretty for that botched face and wonky eye look.
But really, this was so sad to watch and I feel horrible for her (and for him.) I can’t believe they actually filmed the real conversation…. and it had to have been the real conversation because he was really crying.

Then he seemed numb again with the purple suitcase…..again, no signs of adderall.  He would have packed that purple suitcase in under 2 minutes, perfectly folded, no wrinkles, and then used the extra time to clean the room that Scheana just said was a pig sty like always.  Then he would have vacuumed his way right out that front door, perfectly covering his footsteps. AMIRIGHT? Nope…. I call bull shit….. no adderall in that man’s system.

TO BE CONTINUED…… REUNION NEXT WEEK!!!!!

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS :: 

This weeks episode seemed super slow, but it’s probably just because last week was moment after moment of insanity.

What on earth are these women wearing shopping?
Dorit in this torn up grey track suit?

Eden is so coo-coo.  She has been silent all trip, but the editors knew to put in her dying for love before she freaks out on someone in the finale next week.

She buys Erika a ring and basically demands an I Love You in return. “Just take the ring and say I love you too.”  Eden…. out of all of the women here, Erika is the LAST one to give you an “I love you”.

PK disgusts me more than any house-husband.  Ever.  I am trying to think…. and there must be someone…. but truly he is THE WORST.  Speaking of PK… and the never ending mentions of Boy George…..

Mauricio isn’t wearing The Agency hat when he drops by Kyle’s set.  But not to worry, the next scene he is in a THE AGENCY T-SHIRT front and center.  PHEW.  I was worried about the PR for The Agency.

There are a lot of ‘lewks’ for this diamonds and rose party (and of course the horses are named diamonds and rose)
I dlislike pretty much of all of them, starting with the Hostess.  And Eileen has really not been doing herself any favors these last few ensembles.

Which was worse : Erika’s pink wig or Dorit’s gold skull cap?

Best dressed: Camille. Who shows up in blue when the invite requests pink, diamonds, and wedges.
HA! I love it. Hashtag Bring Back Camille.

It was a fairly boring episode,  but it all comes to a head next week. And then, again,  A REUNION.  I can’t wait.  And then Southern Charm…. and RH of NY….. it’s getting good people.

I apologize for my lack of photos + shows this week! 

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: DANCING WITH THE STARS ::
As you know, this is my secret favorite show ever.  I feel like the younger folk don’t watch this show, and they are definitely missing out.  But maybe in recent years the young audience has grown because they have younger contestants and have really sexed it up?  But if you don’t watch, it’s incredible.  I love the professional dancers so much and they are so talented.
I am so surprised at how many of the ‘celebrities’ are good dancers this year!
Nick Viall, the man that won’t leave America’s living rooms,  didn’t do as poorly as I had expected; in fact he did pretty well. Uh oh.  He may be around for awhile.

Erika Jayne did a good job with the choreography, but it wasn’t ballroom at all. I guess the rest of America that doesn’t watch Real Housewives (which is…..who???) needed to be introduced to Ms. Erika Jayne, but I want to see some ballroom!  The big surprise of the night for me was Grandpa Rossi! He was so good! He is just adorable.
I think I’m going to really like this season (most obvious statement ever because I love every season)

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::
We’re back at wedding weekend!
Jax couldn’t think of anything “more worse” than Tom’s brothers missing their flight. The montage of wondering if “more worse” is a word was truly hilarious.  And very sad.  But mostly hilarious.

Scheana must be recording some of her diary/confessional sessions post divorce-filing because she is finally acknowledging that Shay is “off”.  I mean, what is her definition of off? Off more than usual?  How can you ever tell with him? He is always not speaking or mumbling a few select words and then back to not talking.

The pre-rehearsal dinner activity for the wedding : TUBING.
I want to make fun of it, but I can’t, because as trashy as it may be, in reality I would still love being a guest at this wedding.

The rehearsal diner : TACO TUESDAY.  Again, I want to make fun of this, but I can’t and I would love to be a guest at this wedding.
Stassi is still the queen of It’s My Birthday/It’s All About Me and she wonders if she is mentioned in the wedding vows.  Following these “focus on Stassi” comments they play a video montage of the previous four years and their relationship involving screaming crying fights between her and Katie/Tom.

Back to the rehearsal dinner….(OH! and the triplets made it! and then were dressed by Tom Sandoval and somehow look straight?!)
Scheana is sitting with Manager Peter who asks where her husband is.  She replies, so seriously as if it is totally normal during a rehearsal dinner : “Oh, he went upstairs he wanted to lay by the fan.”
I took a photo of my TV because I was hysterically laughing at this and knew it would be nowhere for me to find on the internet.

I only wish I could have made it a gif where the oscillating fan was rotating.  I really just can’t with Shay.
And I take back what I said above about Scheana finally acknowledging what’s going on in her marriage, because now it’s back to pure denial.  She is talking to LVP about how they are “amazing” and “giddy” and “the spark is back and it’s the best they’ve ever been.”  This makes me so sad.
PS.  Just to clarify, no judgement to Scheana keeping what’s going on in her marriage private. She has every right to and she should.  It’s just so awful to watch when you know what the end result is.   It’s like Camille Grammer season 1 of RHOBH when you know that Kelsey leaves her for the other woman, and you have to watch the horribly uncomfortable scenes before it happens. Plus, Scheana really is a nice person so it’s 10x worse than if it happened to one of these other Mean Girls.

LVP ironing is a full scene of the show.  Ken just HAS to photograph it because this is just asinine! How dare she ever have to touch an iron! This is the last season of RH of BH version of LVP that drives me nuts.  Just use the iron and LOCK IT UP!

Next week, the finale and the wedding.   And Scheana finally talking about Shay.
and most importantly, then the reunion!  And apparently Shay comes to the reunion and my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen said on WWHL it was extremely uncomfortable.  I can only imagine!

:: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ::
There is just SO much that happens this week and I don’t even know what to say about it.  So I’ll probably say a bunch, but wish I was saying 10x more, because I am so conflicted and so much happened that I’m a bit flabbergasted?!

So, we’re back on the boat in Hong Kong, discussing the Xanax smoothies and everyone is  jumping on Dorit. 
Erika and Dorit are back and forth about talking too much versus not talking enough, and you say boring sheyite I say important sheyite.  Verdict: Uh, Erika is correct of course.

Then suddenly we’re off the Xanax smoothie and back on to panty gate! I can’t keep up! And I really can’t believe we have been talking about panty gate since episode one.
No surprise, Rinna feels the need to jump in and get super crazy when honestly she needs to just sit there and keep her lips SHUT. And she adds in flipping the bird to really get her whole body into it.

My most important and favorite thing of the whole boat scene :  Eden is wearing a horrible black wig (for no reason?) and has her lips pursed this whole time just sitting on the end in silence.  I don’t know why but it cracked me up.  Everyone is involved and talking and it’s like she’s not even there. So much so that when Erika starts crying and Eden is shown before they get off the boat, they put a note with “Eden” underneath it.  In case no one knew who it was. It really cracked me up.

Why are we always, every episode, discussing Dorit being away from the kids and just dying over it? Every damn episode! It’s like she pulls out of the driveway, pulls out her phone, and calls a nanny or a chef or someone to discuss how she’s just dying inside being away!

These glass bottomed gondolas are incredible, as is watching these women traipse around in their designer duds and heels under ponchos.  They make it to the Buddha in the pouring rain, praying for peace and calm between the women.
Sorry Buddha…. I don’t think even you can tame this storm.
spoiler alert: Buddha does NOT, in fact, tame the storm. It gets way worse. 

The ladies head to dinner…. and we all know how Bravo Vacation Dinners go!
Dorit has a moment of amnesia a-la-Rinna regarding panty gate and Rinna is just shocked! Um. Pot, meet kettle! “I find it hard to believe you don’t remember” RINNA. PUH-LEASE.  Neither of you have that as an excuse. (insert LVP barking: OWN IT. OWN IT.)

And then it all spirals so fast I don’t even know what just happened before my very eyes.   I really need to re-watch it to get it all straight.  But I did grasp that Rinna is insane and needs to be part of none of it. Really, as Kyle says, why can’t she keep her big lips shut!?
Rinna asks if Dorit trusts her husband PK, because why else would this all of started and what does she care if PK saw Erika’s lady bits.  And I agree with Kyle, how can she go there when bringing the husband into it has been a huge source of anger and resentment with Kim.

Erika is upset because it should be about her husband and what she has to explain to him. And then it quickly spirals even further. Eileen says it’s not like she killed your child, and though she profusely apologized for her words and is the closest friend of Erika’s there, Erika will not let it go and keeps taking it further.  and further.  and further. And crying.  A lot.  Like no Erika we have ever seen before.

Poor Eileen.   (on WWHL Erika says she knows Eileen had no ill intent and that she overreacted. Phew!)

How does Rinna end up all the way on the other side of the table consoling Erika? It’s like she has to RUN from each crazy moment to the next because it can’t possibly not involve her for 5 seconds.  And THEN (editors note : I’m exhausted) Rinna needs to ask one more question to make sure this is a “dinner party from hell”.  She asks Dorit if when she was left at the dinner table for everyone to “freshen up” if they were doing cocaine.
My. God.  I am already dreading Rinna at this reunion.  Will we have fake storming off the set like last season? Or worse?
When they cut to Rinna alone at the dinner table with that old man, I agree – that is weird.  EVERYONE is gone.  But no part of me thinks that she has anything to do with drugs or cocaine.  WHAT? Such a ridiculous accusation and so Rinna.  She literally will say or do ANYTHING.  How did we get to this point, from season 1 Rinna being so fun?  #IMissSeasonOneRinna

:: Erika’s former Husband ::
This article really surprised me about Erika’s former husband.  He seems… um… skeezy. And I am shocked he is allowed to use her photo for any of these things.  I’m wondering if this is all truth or just made up?

:: SWEET HOME OKLAHOMA ::

I’m trying to watch as I type this, but it’s getting difficult.  I feel like it isn’t good?  I feel like it could be good because they seem like fun women who don’t give a damn, but it’s kind of all over the place. I am enjoying the random Oklahoman’s being interviewed and their answers.  I’m going to have to watch later this week it’s too difficult to find and edit my 457 typo’s in this post with this show on.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
I have never seen Real Housewives of Potomac, and don’t intend to start.
But Bravo’s commercials for the new season really had me laughing with the “Return of the Mac” song.
of course it is nowhere on their website : / sorry.
but they play this song “Return of the Mack” and I just had to slow clap for it.
also, this song is a perfect example of me NEVER knowing words to songs because I had no idea he said Return of the Mack.  So thank you Bravo for educating me as always. 
But I love what Bravo has done with their new way of advertising/commercials for their programs.  The new NY Housewives and Southern Charm commercials have been great too.
so to the few of you that watch as much Bravo as me, hopefully you know what I am referring too 🙂

:: JACKHOLE ::
Im rooting for you Lindsay, but this show, and especially this commercial for it, is horrible.
The Anti Social Network.

Is this real ?
Watch the trailer for the show here.
I’d much rather have another Oprah Intervention if we’re talking about Lilo and Reality TV…..

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

:: THE BACHELOR ::
We FINALLY are at the end of The Bachelor.  Can I get a Hallelujah!
Raven is so sweet, but she really shows her age when talking about Nick’s little sister as though she really is the way to Nick’s final rose : “Me and Bella are cool. We’re chill like that.”  Oh okay well as long as you’re cool and chill you’ve got this locked up.   The parent-dates were uneventful, just more tears from Nick’s parents in case we wondered where he gets it from.

editors note : I used to always think about what my family would be like if I was on the show and brought home The Bachelor.  The families are always generally so ecstatic and thrilled and OF COURSE they would love for their daughter to be engaged to a man they met a few weeks ago that they have barely know and have spent zero “real life/real world” time with.  And who met the parents an hour ago. 
Because my family definitely would be like “HELL NO. Seriously? This is a crock of BS. “

I just can’t get over how they are in this freezing cold location for these final episodes. I would be so horrible on this show.  I would be thinking/saying “Can we seriously stop being outside in the bitter cold? And can we stop riding horses and being with wildlife in the bitter cold?”  But then again, this is Vanessa’s idea of a perfect date and her meeting ‘Santa Clause’ seemed like the highlight of her life.

Raven loves to run like a child and jump into his arms every time she sees him (and I always notice it now because Heather McDonald did a whole thing on her podcast about the young twenty somethings on this show running like a toddler and jumping to be caught).  While Raven is confident and care free, Vanessa is can’t stop internally flipping out.  I want to say I can’t blame her, and she is being rational, but at this point I’m just sick of seeing the constant interrogations from Vanessa.  Again I ask, do you know what the eff show you signed up for? And the scum bag you are dating? Lock it up.  Smile for goodness sake! Laugh! Anything!

Nick meets with Neil Lane : “I know nothing about engagement rings.”  
HA.  You are literally the only person Neil Lane can probably name on sight.  Perhaps you should be saying “I know nothing about paying for engagement rings, because I never have, and I couldn’t because I haven’t been employed in who knows how long.”

Neil Lane : “Everyones rooting for you, every one loves you!”
Okay Neil…. Simmer Down.

We see sweet little Raven’s shoes plop out of the limo into the snow first, so we know that she is the one getting sent home.

editors note : except one year, back in like season 3 of The Bachelor, they tricked us and the FIRST girl was the one he picked and she stood in the mansion watching him reject the SECOND girl  with a birds-eye-view.  It was crazy.  I think it was Jesse Palmer rejecting the Tara girl. I wish I remembered real life events from 15 years ago like I do this garbage….. ).
I feel so bad for the final two because they sit there and pour their heart out and then he’s like “sorry, I didn’t pick you.” Raven talked first and layed it all out there, and Nick rejects her. She surprisingly doesn’t seem that upset?  I mean, she is basically like “okay. good luck.”  Slow clap for you Raven. Slow. Clap.  AND you dodged a huge bullet.  AND Nick is a jerk who doesn’t put a jacket on you before sending you outside to freeze your ass off and discuss your rejection.

Vanessa didn’t talk first or say anything at all.  She just waited to see what he would say.  Smart move Vanessa!  I caught myself smiling at the TV while he was saying his speech to Vanessa…. LOCK IT UP Taylor. slaps face. Weak Moment!

Oh. My. Lord. THE LAST WORDS OF THE EPISODE?  They are being interviewed before running off into the sunset bitter, bitter cold, and Vanessa says  “Let’s. go. do it.  Literally.” SERIOUSLY???? Your family will be discussing this at Sunday brunch young lady.

:: AFTER FINAL ROSE ::
This ATFR seemed to have absolutely nothing to do with Nick and everything to do with Rachel.  And I am not upset about that!  Vanessa’s dress left much to be desired.  Woah.  Bad.

Vanessa certainly was as smiley and fun and bright as she was all season long (sarcasm…. in case it’s your first time to Coffee Talk….) . I mean, I’m sure she is a fun lovely girl, but they really played her as so serious and not one to easily laugh all season long, and this interview was nothing different.  I like that she is level headed and has normal expectations, but freaking laugh a little bit!?  Maybe it’s just because she’s more mature and intelligent than the final 2 contestants usually are? And realistic?   But I just feel like…. COME ONE.  At least seem excited to be together?!  And why is she uprooting her whole life to move to be with him? He doesn’t have a “life” anywhere right now.  All he has is DWTS in LA? He doesn’t even live in Chicago and have a job anymore I don’t think.
Anyway…. adios Nick, on to Rachel.  I’m just SO HAPPY for a break from this dang show for 2 months.  And I’m telling myself that I am going to fast forward through ALL of Nick on DWTS.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::
It’s wedding week for the love birds that love to hate one another, Katie and Tom.  Sadly, no one in Tom’s family seems to be attending.  His dad won’t fly and his brothers can’t afford it.  But the key point here is that Tom’s triplet brothers live at home with their parents and all in the same bedroom.  Goodness.
Scheana continues to act the opposite of a woman about to get a divorce and it is so painful to watch.  It is like she is living in an alternate reality week after week. She is discussing going to see a fertility doctor because babies are certainly the next step.  I’m with Jax : “Pretty sure her and Shay have to be in the same room to make a baby.”

Cut to Raquel and James eating dinner at with her mom and sister (and her sister’s large breasts).    I am FREAKING out right now because Raquel has that crazy weird speech and mouth and her mom does THE SAME THING.
This scene is giving me life.  Her mom says “Raquel’s dad is up there looking for grizzly BARSSS.” She says it just like Raquel with a wierd side mouth, and this is followed immediately by Raquel “I’m StARWVING RIGHT NEAWHH.”
Is this SNL “The Californians” on crack or what???!!! I NEED MORE OF THIS.
I have no idea how to type/explain this mouth thing for those of you not watching/not caring about trivial things like this. The grizzly BARRRSS line truly killed me.  Rachel Zoe I am fully dead.  I cannot believe her mom talks like this too!!! I could talk about this all night long,

Get ready for my big compliment to Katie and Tom of the night: This wedding would be SO much freaking fun. All of your friends in the woods in cabins together?!? Heaven on earth.  
I think people (my friends at least) wouldn’t make it to the wedding because they would be so hungover by the time Saturday came around…. but I would LOVE to go to a wedding getaway weekend like this with all of your friends.  The older we get the less we are able to have huge group weekends and destination weddings seem to be the only time.  A wedding like this would knock it out of the park.  I seriously am having so much Chicago FOMO as I am watching them pouring drinks in these cabins.

Shay decided to speak while he and Scheana pack. He is just “like over everyone.”
WHY do all of these people call their girlfriends “Dude”? Shay just called Scheana a dude, and Tom only calls Arianna dude (but that one is less surprising).

LVP arrives to the wedding destination on her PJ . Of course.  And of course they show the clips of her in the Dubai suite before entering this suite.  Oh. My. Lord. She has like 14 pieces of pink crocodile luggage.

Tom’s 3 brothers miss their flight….. I can’t possibly imagine how?  They sounded so mature and responsible.  For the second time tonight, I am with Jax.  You had ONE job – get on the airplane.  Unreal.

:: SUMMER HOUSE ::
Is that a Zima in your hand Kyle? I hope someone iced you…. because the brose´ I am fine with, this I am not. I’m assuming they were icing each other….. Kyle’s fun like that. (seriously want to stalk him and become BFF).

Kyle and Christina with no H get into an argument at the White Party. I kind of feel bad for Christina with no H at this point…. but yes, that definition of meddling you looked up on your phone, that is exactly what you do. 

I didn’t think Carl could get any worse, but he does!  He spends all day and night with Lauren, they discuss how they are going to spend the night together, and then when she turns her back and he goes off with some girl and then brings her back to the house at 5 AM to his room.  CARL are you kidding me!!!!
This guy is such a scum bag. The line that has been said every single Coffee Talk : LAUREN. Seriously, girl. Run.  You are worlds better than this.
Stephen snacking on that Smart Pop ready and waiting to watch the fall out from Carl sneaking the girl out is heaven.  

Christina with no H decides that after he blow-up with Kyle at the white party, she is just done with this summer.  I am actually feeling really bad for her. And she looks super cute in that orange romper.  Oh…. wait….  nevermind.  She is handling this ALL wrong and coming into that kitchen hot.  She storms into the kitchen as awkwardly as possible and just crosses her arms and stares at Kyle and then talks in “that tone” asking for an apology.  Not the way to go about this girl.  And then it gets worse.  She is like FINE I’m leaving and I’m taking THE JUMBO BOTTLE OF WHISPERING ANGEL with me.  Ha, what!?
AND THEN.  I am dying laughing.  dying.  She says “Cristina Gibson reporting live from The Summer House is Out.”
I mean…. first I get Raquel’s mom saying BARRSSS and then I get this? In one night!? Bravo, the light you bring into my life.
Unfortunately for Christina with no H, no one cares that she is leaving….. they care more about giant bottle of rose´.  Or I guess even more sad…. they don’t even care that she is taking the giant rose´.  OUCH.  That hurts.

The gang has their final dinner on the patio of their gorgeous Hamptons mansion, and serious this table setting is stunning.  Uh I want to summer in Montauk!!! I loved this show so, so much.

They tie the pegasus float to the roof of the car and drive off into the sunset….

……leaving me depressed that the season is over…. but hopeful that Southern Charm will fill the void while I pray that Kyle can negotiate a season 2 to be filmed this summer.
Hashtag my life is SO PATHETIC.

:: RH OF BEVERLY HILLS ::
The ladies are off to Hong Kong!

Who is it in the photos for Erika’s look book? Is it someone else or her?
Because the head is cut out so I didn’t know if it was one of the dancers putting the lewks on and acting as the model? I feel like if it was her they would have showed her face?  Erika is of course bringing her full glam squad so that they can create lewks like the one below :

I love when they show these packing montages – they always entertain me.
I understand Ilene’s pain about not sleeping on that flight.  15 hours no sleep on a plane? UGH.  My only time taking an Ambien was on the way to Italy and we got it from our friend’s dad and it was FOR SURE expired and did NADA.  It was awful.  But I digress…..

Wack-a-doo Eden is out in full force the first night at dinner in Hong Kong. She is talking about meeting a man, for the first time – that she has never met in person –  in NYC where she is buying them a hotel room to stay together.  She is buying this “gorgeous male model” a plane ticket from London to NYC and she is going to meet him in the hotel room naked on the bed.  The ladies are clearly shocked and appalled and screaming “Earth to Eden!!! He could be a killer.”  She responds with “Yeah…. I know.  That’s how I do it. ”  And getting a separate hotel room would “go against all of her rules.”  WHAT?! And no need to worry if he is a killer! Because “what if she kills him first”.  I really just can’t.  No words.
Then more stuff happens – the ladies saunter all over and explore the city.  (I can’t even discuss the dog stuff I’m sorry)  So they head to a boat!

Rinna realizes : “We’re on a trip.  On Real Housewives. I need to instigate the first fight of the trip! I always must instigate! Even if it is something stupid!”
It’s all boring and useless until Erika Jayne and Dorit get into it.
Erika to Dorit : “You talk a lot.”
Dorit’s response : “You don’t talk enough.”
Erika : ” I say important sheyite.  You say too much boring sheyite.”
Ruh roh.  Side note : am I the only one who thinks “You don’t talk enough” is not something bad at all?  I mean…. she talks.  Plenty.  Only someone who never stops talking would think this is an insulting come back.
BUT STILL.  This whole argument stemming from the “pills” stuff is so stupid.
To be continued….. (next week is the crazy Erika-cry scene).
OH. and most importantly : WTF is Eden doing in a black wig for this dinner? 

:: DORIT’S ACCENT ::
This video of Dorit’s accent 4 years ago at one of her Fashion Shows has been floating around the internet.  Definitely worth a watch/listen if you haven’t seen it yet! She has the affected speech of someone from Connecticut in bits and pieces, but not an ounce of any of the British/European stuff she does now.  None.

Dorit Spring/Summer 2013 – Videofashion by Videofashion

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 

ME. Per usual.  First I am agreeing with/taking the side of Kim Richards thanks to Eden Sassoon, now Scheana is saying and doing things where I am agreeing with what comes out of Jax’s mouth. What alternate universe am I living in?

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

discuss amongst ya-selves………

:: THE BACHELOR :: 

I am so over this season. We had a) a one hour episode instead of two b) that starts with a rose ceremony that should have been last week  c) keeping Rachel for the top 3 yet we already know she is the next Bachelorette d) only seeing one of the hometown dates. We need this season to end already ABC! Not drag it out and make it longer! And with a girl we know isn’t one he picks?! It’s all just so annoying.

Also, this week was horrible because Corinne got sent home.  I am grateful we had her as long as we did….. usually the only entertaining girl gets sent packing way before final 4.  Now we just have to survive Vanessa selfishly crying “I just don’t feel special” for a little longer.  Do you know what show you signed up for Vanessa? And who The Bachelor is?? Mmmk thanks.

Andi shows up and knocks on Nick’s door.  (insert me questioning for the 874th time who I am as a person for watching this).  She sits there and they are talking like old buddies about the fantasy suite and it is ridiculous.

 Andi asks “Do you think you’re going to sleep with them?” WHAT? Are you forgetting the whole part of you calling him out in your book for the fantasy suite? And then she tells him he should feel comfortable doing anything it’s part of the process so sleep with them? What world am I in? OR is this just an attempt to stay relevant just like the book was?  And then Nick says “After talking to Andi I’ve never been more confident that this is going to work out for me?” WHAT? HUH?

The final 3 go to Finland to freeze their asses off.  Whoop-de-do. First Wisconsin, and now Finland??!?! These poor women!! Rachel is a trooper for going through all this to get the title of Bachelorette.

All we see this week is his date with Raven.  And Nick. Wears. A Turtleneck.  Like, a huge one.

He is full blown Nick Lachey in the 98 Degrees music video for The Hardest Thing, but of course he could NEVER be Nick Lachey.  ( I am really into Nick Lachey….. no joke.  Love him.)

Boy Bands really loved those turtlenecks……  I can’t believe Joey is the only one not donning one in this *NSYNC video, but at least there are 2 ugly leather blazers to make up for it.

Also, Nick Viall really loves the leather jacket look, and guess who OWNS that too.

Nick says he wants a person with a huge personality that really challenges him …. Raven is sweet as Oklahoma Pie (is it Oklohama? I can’t remember). I do not think she is going to do that.  But then again, I didn’t think she would sit and repeatedly talk about her never having an orgasm on national television, so what do I know?

Raven : “So while we are still sitting with the whole crew, I want to let you know that my last boyfriend did not make me orgasm.” WHAT?? I can’t with this show. and I really CANNOT with Nick blushing and being all awkward in THAT DAMN TURTLENECK. Can you really not just share that with HIM? When the cameras are off? Isn’t that the point of having the time with the cameras off?  and then she follows up with a twangy accent filled “Today is the Day!”  oh. my.

You know when you know something, and you really know it, and you feel it deep in your gut because you are so sure of it?  Welp, I knew, I just KNEW I should have boycotted this season of The Bachelor when Nick was announced.  And I have been cursing myself every week for not doing that!!! I couldnt stand him before….. but thought I should give him a chance.  See what happens when you give people a chance? You dislike them even more and they take over your whole life (see: Jackhole Of The Week below for a further explanation of that.)

:: THE ARRANGEMENT ::

The Arrangement is the new show premiering on E! on Sunday.  They have it On Demand and you can watch it early, so that is what I did Friday when I couldn’t get the HBO GO up and running.  I don’t think it’s great, but I don’t think it’s awful.  Sadly, the two things that intrigue me are 1. the main guy is hot 2. it is entirely just like tom-kat and scientology.  The fact that they can even pretend this isn’t based entirely on that is insane.  They arrange for an actress to come and read for a role with the star actor and have that lead into a contract relationship and marriage. Before they have even finished a first meal together he is talking about “The Institute” and how it saved him and saying she should go and try out classes.  It is ABSURD.  So I feel like I’ll give it a chance just because I’m still really on a Scientology kick from Leah Remini’s show. (and I have been finding every podcast she was on – I just listened to the RuPaul podcast episode with her.  I just love her!)

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

I can’t believe we are seeing another episode of the Tom’s still in full drag.  Everyone else has changed and taken their make up off, but not the Toms. Hell no.  Sandoval stays full make-up while yelling at the girls about Schwartzy being a battered wife.  I mean, him kicking that door open to the hotel room in full drag to reveal Schwartz sitting on the side of the bed wallowing in “I’m not marrying her! I’m not” pity was truly incredible television.  (Schwartzy can get a hall pass for staying in drag because he is so drunk I’m just glad he still has clothing on and is breathing.)

I am so embarrassed for Scheana and her commentary on Katie and Schwartz’s marriage. It is never ending. I’m sure they are playing every piece of marital comments/relationship comments they have from her confessionals, but yikes, with her going through a divorce it is painful to watch. Shay is talking (yes, you read that correctly, Shay is talking….. for only 6 words but still) about honesty in marriage (when he was secretly addicted to painkillers), her talking about money and prenups being silly because “what’s he going to do take the money haha” (he apparently emptied their account). I’m physically cringing for her to stop.  I really have all the feels for Scheana…. I know she’s an egomaniac with wedding portraits of herself the size of the Fixer Upper “before” billboards all over her apartment, and she doesn’t listen to a word that comes out of her husbands mouth (when he actually opens his mouth to speak), but I still think she’s nice person.

Katie and Tom are just a total train wreck.   My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen was 100% correct when he said the only thing stable on Vanderpump Rules is the love that Sandoval has for Schwartz.    Final note : I am so mad I deleted the episode because I can’t find it online, but what did the tank tops say that Sandoval handed out at the pool party for him and Jax? I feel like it was something horribly amazing/horribly awful/awkward? If anyone can remind me, please share 🙂

:: SUMMER HOUSE :: 

Carl did EXACTLY what the guy on Friends that was dating Phoebe did.  (isn’t everything a Friends episode?) Remember when Phoebe is explaining to Joey that the guy she was dating wouldn’t sleep with her and she couldn’t figure it out? So she basically gives him free pass to never call him again and then they sleep together .

So, Carl’s is a little less extreme, but he says the reason he had backed off and brought other “friends” from California to sleep with is because Christina with no H had said that Lauren was super into him and wanted a relationship. So he gets her to basically verbalize that she expects nothing from him and doesn’t want a relationship….. and now they’re hooking up again.  SERIOUSLY LAUREN. I just want to shake her she is so far above this situation and keeps falling right back into it! Someone get this girl a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You ASAP.

Christina with an H being a reporter reporting on everyone in the house is the most perfect call out ever.

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS ::

Did Eileen update her kitchen!?! I never took her for the pops of turquoise and teal modern kinda gal? Eileen is just crushing it this season with her looks.  First she looks stunningly beautiful in an all white ensemble in Mexico whilst battling montezuma’s revenge not feeling well.  Now she shows up at Kyle’s shindig wearing a navy high neck jumpsuit. AND an open back. GURL.  Slow clap.

Ugh first Boy George, now Carnie and her Cheesecakes? Enough Apprentice-and-RH crossovers.

Rinna saunters in to Kyle’s party in and hands a stuffed animal over to Kim with a “this. is. for. your. grandchild.” It was very uncomfortable.  feel like these girl dinner parties at Kyle’s always take a turn for the worst….. dare I say the reason is Kim? Or now perhaps Eden? Everything about Eden makes me uncomfortable…. or as Kim says, makes her skin crawl.   Damn you Eden quit making me agree with Kim!!!! And yes, Rinna, you can’t say all of that stuff and then just hand Kim a bunny!

Eden is complete lock jaw the whole party, and it keeps getting tighter and tighter as the night goes on. Even more than usual, which is really saying something.

Kyle finally gets a little pissed, and really puts LVP in her place when she tries to jump between sides, because she wants her to PICK A LANE!!!

I think we all are over the Rinna + Kim stuff, but I’m really over Rinna using the “you brought up Harry Hamlin” as her quip for everything. Yes, Kim threatened  “do you want to talk about the husband”, and it was so long ago WHO CARES find a new battle to keep yourself in a big storyline.

…. and then Carnie so elegantly brings it back to her Cheesecakes.  I just really can’t get over how all of this involved Carnie and her Cheesecakes and no amount of drama was going to derail Carnie from making it all about THE CHEESECAKES.  Cheesecakes bring people together, right Carnie?

Highlight of the episode.  Erika : “I’m going to be an alcoholic by the time this sh*t is over.”

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS ::

speaking of Carnie’s…. I’m RULL excited for the Dallas Cast to be back, especially the crazy Carnie.

:: GGTD :: 

This season, or the first part of it (?) since the second half is airing in the summer, was horrible.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 

GET. OFF. MY. TELEVISION.  Nick STILL refuses to leave our lives and our living rooms.  Will this man EVER get a real job???  Now he is going to one of ma-fave shows ever Dancing With The Stars. (editors note : if you are new to the blog, yes, I love Dancing with the Stars. With a passion. and no, I am not ashamed. )  …. I knew I should have boycotted this season of The Bachelor when he was announced.

for other Dancing With the Stars cast news…. Chicago Folk! Grandpa Rossy is going to be on Dancing With The Stars!!!!! What?! So is Erika Jayne which I’m actually upset about because I think it may ruin Erika Jayne for me…. she doesn’t need DWTS! Nancy Kerrigan? No thanks! Heather Morris from Glee? Yes, but you were a legit backup dancer for Beyonce…. so….. I’m just confused. Simone Biles, yes please!

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 

Thank you, Corinne, for all of the wonderful things you bestowed upon us, but mostly for saving this season from being pure garbage.  See you soon, on Bachelor in Paradise…… with Chad I’m sure….. eating lots of food.