discuss amongst ya-selves……..

:: Last Week’s RH of NY:: 

Ramona continues, much like last week and the week before, to kick it up 17 notches on the ludicrous scale – even for her.  She and her two girlfriends are at the bar of a restaurant waiting for men to hit on them/hitting on men by making eye contact with them.

I mean, honestly.  Whatever hormone replacement or menopausal drug she is on, they need to re-evaluate her dosage.  Soon she is going to be like the dog that never stops attacking the stuffed animal and it is very uncomfortable to watch.

We finally meet Bethenny’s boyfriend and I feel like he has the kindest eyes and smile. Am I crazy or does he not just look like the sweetest guy ever? This worries me…. she’s a pitbull and we know it…. she is hilarious and the queen of sarcasm and quick wit which I love, but girl knows how to cut you.

Anyway, we’re back to episodes being all about Tom much like last lesson.

Apparently Ramona’s friend Missy was dating Tom right before LuAnn started dating Tom.  They keep editing Missy saying “she walked in on them {having dinner together}” to be “I walked in on them together” and it really is SUCH A TEASE.

And apparently Ramona is going to pretend she is just finding this out during this filmed scene.   The other friend of Ramona’s “admires LuAnn” for her ability to stay with a man through all the rumors, which is her way of saying shes bat-sheyite crazy, but at least she’s being nicer than Ramona about all of it.

I don’t know why all of this wedding planning it surprising me, considering how LuAnn acted during all of the “we got the yacht scenes” and every moment about her engagement, but the extent of her wedding to Tom being a “real wedding”  is kind of hilarious.  I’m not saying she shouldn’t have a wedding and a white dress and all of that.  But your grown daughter being a FLOWER GIRL? Excuse me??? LuAnn… I think we have crossed the line.

I was VERY excited when I saw that they were going to Beautique for dinner, to haze/initiate Tinz into the Old Horny Lady On The Town Society.
Ramona walking to the upstairs club and shouting “hey boys smells good!” to the chefs while slowly running her lips all over her mouth was one of the most horrific things I’ve seen this week.

I was ready for Tinsley to be mortified by their behavior, like what Ramona had just done for example, but in a shocking turn of events, Tinsley is shoving her tongue down a 23 year olds throat! I mean, he was super cute I give her that, but come on! I did really love watching Sonja try to break into the scene.  You know Sonja is thinking “listen up! first you live with me and take my friends – but dammit you are not taking the early twenty-somethings! that is MY thing!”

This make out scene is like a horror film. I am covering my face with my hands and peering through my fingers hoping she stops trying to peck at him/eat him like a bird, yet she does not.

In fact, later this episode she will go out on a Bowling Date (i.e. a “look I’m young and fun and still flexible and can be cool like you young kids, because young kids still like to cosmic bowl right?” kind of date) and not only do the same make-out scene far less intoxicated but LITERALLY try to be a bird eating the food out of his mouth.  Even 23 year old Chad doesn’t want to swap germs like that. Kids have changed, Tinz. This is SO painful to watch.
editors note : what jeans is she wearing that she keeps being able to bend over that far and not have her undies or butt show? because I am very impressed and would like a pair please and thank you.

Dorinda has a charity event to raise money and gets a bunch of silent auction items that she is AH-mazed by, like a signed copy of Carole’s book and drinks with LuAnn.  I MEAN, WOW.  I feel like someone just said *NSYNC Reunion! Somehow, the other two people on this charity board are silently flipping out that they are going to make no money at all and think that these auction items suck.  They don’t realize yet that Dorinda has plans to cut off the bar until people start bidding, so they have no reason to be concerned.  Dorinda will strike the fear of God into the room with a microphone in her hand and the threat of no more alcohol.  The charity wins, we as viewers win.  It’s great.

LuAnn’s friend Barbara doesn’t realize when there is a camera crew and people mic’d up that she could possibly be recorded!  I can see how that’s confusing??? No.
Because she starts talking to Carole about how Tom is still at The Regency cheating and LuAnn knows it and she would just rather get divorced than call it all off.
This was obviously filmed months ago, but in real time, when she realized this was recorded and about to go to air she tried to file a law suit to keep it from airing! Ha!
I bet LuAnn is peeeesed.

editors note : I just found this article “12 Things I Don’t Want to See on RHofNY Season 9” when looking for images in Google, and it is worth a read because literally everything they wrote before the season started that they did NOT want to see is exactly what the season has been.  It’s cracking me up.

:: The Bachelorette :: 

Oh my goodness.  I know they just show a lot of the trainwrecks first episode to get everyone enthralled, but for some reason this just alarmed me and was far less entertaining than most First Night’s.  I hope they got some gem’s hiding between all these Whaboom’s, because Rachel deserves better than this!

In addition to Whaboom, we have a “pro” wrestler, a guy with 600 pairs of sneakers, a drummer, a guy that keeps talking about penises/his penis and sex, and of course a few sob stories and some “damaged” men thrown in there too.

Thank goodness she had her “squad” of former castmates like Dolphin, Corinne, Raven ,and the other girls we don’t remember but who clearly are going to be cast for Bachelor in Paradise.  I just keep thinking “you are way too intelligent and sweet for all of these girls to be your squad Rachel, so this better just be 100% produced and you aren’t friends in real life.”

I did LOVE the one contestant saying “did you do a drug test on everyone?” because of some of these crazies…. took the words right out of my mind.

I don’t know how she managed to laugh so genuinely at everyone and everything that happened.  She has some killer conversational skills for making her way through all of those those speed dates (perhaps why her and Nick NEVER would have worked out because I think he said all of 4 words last season and a complete lack of personality.)

This was one of my least favorite season openers, but it was probably because I was very distracted and lost interest early on.  I’ll be better next week! And men making asses of themselves isn’t as entertaining as the women on the first night for me.  Also, I couldn’t care less who jackasses like Nick end up with so the antics are entertaining but with Bachelorettes I’m like COME ON!  I know we need the “Bachelor in Paradise” rejects but please give us some actual contenders!   I am confident once we delve more into these winning personalities it will get better and we can all breathe a sigh of relief that perhaps they put 5 or 10 great guys in this group for Rachel.
But as we all know, and as UNReal as taught us….. Mike Fleiss and all of the producers on this show are jackasses…. so keep your fingers crossed.

:: SECOND WIVES CLUB :: 
I’ve been meaning to write about this show!
Are any of you watching?
I want to be as calm and speak as slowly as Shiva….. annnnnd maybe have her face and body and be as rich as her.  Minus the much older fiance who has been married three times of course. But really, how does she speak so slowly and calmly?

And this girl is my favorite.  She reminds me of Dana (“$25,000 sunglasses, can you believe it?”) from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but in a great way not in an embezzling millions and going to jail way.

and everything with Lorenzo Lamas’ wife just cracks me up. How on earth could Lorenza Lamas be in the same grouping as these millionaires? 

:: Southern Charm :: 

Oh goodie! We start with another car scene with Kathryn! Whose “neighborhood” is she conveniently in this week?
She then calls WHITNEY? WHAT? Oh, please. These meetings are making you do some crazy things.

Hashtag Carpenter Craig and Naomi are heading to Couples Therapy.
Is Craig driving his own Porsche or Naomi’s?
editors note: a reader told me that Craig’s phone last week same “Nome” and I am just going to assume it is not a nickname, and rather that he thought that was how you spelled her name when they first met because it’s just too good.

The counselor asks what they want to get out of therapy and after Naomi responds with a “better communication/better relationship” kind of answer. Craig, on the other hand, doesn’t even answer the question and instead just starts complaining about Naomi undercutting him and her doing this and that.  Um.  Not the answer to the question.
Another favorite couples therapy fight is Craig saying he has never “name called”. Never. Not once.  Cue the clip of him calling Naomi a spoiled child, etc etc.  When she reminds him of this he says “well, ugh, you started it!” and then rambles more and points fingers at Naomi.
Deep Sigh.  This poor girl .

We head over to Roadhouse for Shots + Beers with Austen and Landon.
Landon is saying she wants a Shep-type; a guy that drinks a beer and a backwards hat at Roadhouse, which is exactly what Austen is doing. Landon giggles her insane laugh when this is pointed out and Shep enters the bar on cue.
But it quickly goes back to Chelsea.  Poor Landon. Shep and Austen are fighting over Chelsea with Landon sitting in the middle of it just looking back and forth between them.

I feel like Shep wouldn’t give Chelsea a second thought if she didn’t have anything going on with Austen.
Typical Man!  They are like dogs; they don’t even think about a spot but if another dog goes and pees on it they have to run over and sniff and pee on it too.
I just will never get it.
Although…. maybe it’s like when someone orders chips and guacamole at a Mexican restaurant.  You may not even be hungry or want the chips and guac, but when it’s in front of you and you see someone else eating that chips and guacamole, there’s no way in hell you don’t want that guacamole. Suddenly it’s like the best looking guacamole ever and you just have to have it.
So….. you know – guacamole for girls and sex for men? What am I even talking about?

Thomas meets with his Dad (you know, THE Bridge Guy) and tells a very sad story about his childhood and upbringing that actually made me really feel all the feels for Thomas.  I didn’t know I was capable of feeling these feelings of empathy and sadness and understanding for T-Rav??!!
But more importantly….. why are you blowing up photos of things that are wrong with your dad’s properties onto gigantic poster boards? Can’t you just take a picture with your iPhone and show it to him?  Or is this just how you spend frivolously without abandon when you’re rich?

And then…. oh goodness.  So horrible and too serious for Coffee Talk….
Then  Austen tells the story about his older sister passing away when he was 7 and she was 10 and I welled up sitting on my sofa.  I can’t even imagine and it was such a raw and real moment in the middle of this ridiculously stupid show that I had to pause and take a break!  So, so horrible.

Luckily Patricia and her friend were there to lighten the mood after the commercial break with their Doggie Caftans and tell us the story of how their genius creations came to fruition.  And then they have a sari party? But only the girls? And Whitney’s girlfriend clearly didn’t get the memo and she is dressed for a Gatsby party like Whitney (where does he find these girls, seriously?)

And then the dinner party hits the fan with “four letter words” over a debate about Thomas + Kathryn and moving forward.  I’d like to say it was dramatic, but it was actually quite tame compared to most Bravo Dinner Parties.
editors note : they really need to bring back that show with Rocco Dispirito and all the celebs called Rocco’s Dinner Party. I really loved that.

Then its a To Be Continued because the Four Letter Words upset Patricia’s friend.

OH! And somewhere in there Kathryn goes to get her hair done at Chelsea’s salon for her modeling pictures and I REALLY JUST CANNOT.
I wish Chelsea had been like “A new look? Great! How about not doing Pigtails with Pippi Longstocking Braids and a Giant Bouffant on the top of your head combined with a black tattoo choker and heavy makeup with unblended 75 colors of countouring? But for the hair we can just take it down if you don’t like it and try again!”
This show is just pure joy for me (with a serious dose of some real life sadness this week).

Can’t wait to see whose neighborhood Kathryn drives through next week and calls to “sporadically” show up at their front door!

:: Stassi and Patrick ::

Are back together! They really are the quintessential on again off again.  I wonder how long this will last…..

:: Million Dollar Listing New York ::

MDLNY starts tonight. I always enjoy this show, if for nothing else than the real estate, but the promo commercials( of them in the elevator dressed as gladiators or something?) have been just awful.  After all my applause applause applause for Bravo’s new style, this was an utter fail.
But tune in tonight, and then try to stick around for Cyrus versus Cyrus for Miley’s family’s design show.  I don’t think I’ll be able to watch it because I think I will just be picturing Miley’s voice and mouth the whole time.  But good luck to all of you!

:: Secret Deodorant :: 
A commercial that does not suck.

I laughed really hard at this during the Bachelorette Premiere.
The way she says Jamaica alone kills me.
What can I say, it doesn’t take much to entertain me. 

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
I don’t know if “mazel” is really the right word, because anything with Alan Thicke passing away is not a mazel, but I guess a Mazel to Tyler Henry.  I saw clips this week of when they did his reading that they hadn’t aired previously.  He kept bringing up his heart to him and warning him that he needed to get things checked out and that he was concerned…..
if that doesn’t prove he isn’t full of it or faking it I don’t know what does.

and Mom I know I know…… I’m still working on getting you a reading with Tyler Henry.
My celeb status needs to climb just a tiny bit higher before I can be added to the main waiting list….. but I should be at Kardashian level in no time and heading straight to the top of his list. 

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
Katy Perry.
If you want the feud with Taylor Swift to end, then STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

YOU are the reason it is still ongoing in everyones minds because you won’t let it die!
She went on Carpool Kareoke and could have used that as an opportunity to really squash it when asked about it, but instead she just added fuel to the fire.
And then she had the audacity to say all this stuff about “women being together and supporting each other”.  After all the shade she just threw and the finger pointing at Taylor?  Hypocritical much?

ALSO.  You sound like Hashtag Carpenter Craig with the “she started it”.
No one of your age should be using that as a comeback or excuse. Mmkthanks.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……. 

:: LAST WEEK’S RHONY ::

I forgot to comment last week on “last weeks” RH of New York.  So Sorry!

So, on to last weeks episode!

I want to scream every time we enter into a scene in Carole’s apartment, because we all know we are about to witness nothing. And I love watching nothing, but not like this!  Carole and Adam are sitting in the what must be filthy and smell horrible apartment discussing their litter of cats and dog all named baby. “Baby baby baby, which baby did that? Uh it was baby. You never blame the original baby.”  SERIOUSLY?
End scene.  Literally.  That was it. She needs to give part of her paycheck to my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen and her BFF-Bethenny because there is NO reason for this girl to EVER remain on this show.
Also, (to be read in the voice of Joey from Friends saying “Look I’m Chandler, Could I BE wearing any more clothes”) :

Could there BE a more annoying name to give all 17 of your animals other than Baby?

Sonja is the kitchen preparing for who knows what…. cocktail hour?  She is putting absolutely hideous flowers into a vase and thankfully comments on how horrible they are, because at that moment I was really thinking Sonja had lost it.

They really were horrible. And then when I think all is right with Sonja, she pulls out the ice bin of the freezer to reveal a tub of straight up BROWN ICE CUBES.  Oh Sonja.  Those flowers are looking lovely now……

Dorinda really looks amazing this season.  I have always thought she looks great, but particularly this year. Even when they do a flashback to her from Real Housewives 2015 she even looks so much more amazing now.  What is her secret!?!

The highlight of the episode for me was Tinsley’s friend Anisha driving her mini dog down the sidewalks of New York in a children’s remote controlled Mercedes SUV.

Seeing that this is who Tinsley’s friends are puts her friendship with Sonja much more into perspective.

Oh crap! We’re back at freaking Carole’s apartment!

Her couch….. there truly are no words….. it is absolutely disgusting.  I wouldn’t even sit on that! Bethenny, Miss Queen B of Type A CEO of OCD says, regarding all of the rips and tears and shreds of fabric: “Yeah it looks great!  It looks totally intentional!”  EXCUSE ME? You were just OCD’ing over doll accessories for a 5 year old for an entire scene.

If this were ANYONE else other than Carole you would be having a heyday going on for 5 minutes in the “diary” part with sarcastic one liners destorying them.  She would be annihilating them with insults about it!
But yeah.  It looks “great” and “intentional”.

just came across this photo with an article about her OCD lunch packing and it just seems the perfect juxtapositon to Carole’s “great and totally intentional” apartment 

update: apparently she has removed the couch since filming and it having it recovered. Hallelujah! so I give it about a month until Baby Cubed/To the Fourth Degree destroys it again.

“Bethenny is an island” – okay Ramona.
Ramona has become so insane that it’s like she’s a caricature of herself?

The ladies head out for dinner and drinks.  Bethenny decides she will join this time.

Ramona to LuAnn “People are still placing bets as to if you’ll get married.”
Which she immediately follows up with “Why am I not invited to the wedding?”
Hmmmm….. let’s think on that one.
Then Ramotional does a 180 and goes from saying all of that to sqealing “Mrs. D’Agostino!!!” and doing a song and dance hugging her and saying she’s “really really really happy for” her.
I mean…. people say Sonja is crazy????
Oh wait….. nevermind.  Now Sonja is just straight up farting at the bar.

I see Carole with her phone in hand showing something and I know before she even speaks – I say outloud to my empty living room WONDER WHAT THAT IS! – knowing that it is freaking baby cubed videos (baby to the third or fourth degree? how many are there? I forget. Nor do I care.)

Ramona sits down next to Bethenny, right as Bethenny announces that she is leaving, and speaks to her in the most condescending asshole tone.  I feel like it was one of most obnoxious things I’ve seen Ramona do, which is really saying something (I know it will be trumped by her talking to Avery and all of Avery’s friends about being like Avery’s age and hanging out at Avery’s college and being all young and youthful with Avery!!!!)
But I digress….. it was quite the bitchy moment for Ramona.
I actually applaud Bethenny for the way she handled the situation, because Ramona was being a lunatic and I think I would have lost it.
She ends it with sitting on the sofa after Bethenny leaves doing all the spastic motions and crazy big eyes and eye twitches and “whatever okay whatever twitch twitch twitch” siting up moving spots and then acting drunk and teenagery.  (That is a sentence that I should delete because it makes no sense, but as Housewives fans I trust that you are picturing Ramona perfectly right now :D)

:: WWHL with MBFAC ::

Speaking of Ramona, did you catch her on WWHL last week? Talking about how she gained 15 pounds and that must be why she looks different/better.  She stands up and starts turning side to side rubbing her hands all over herself like “I don’t know how do I look how do I look what do you think how’s it look huh huh huh?” turning side to side – perfectly displaying the twitchy’ness described above – and just waiting for compliments.
UGH she makes me crazy. I’m shocked she didn’t follow it up with “Everyone thinks I look like Avery’s friends! They think I’m Avery’s age! Avery’s friends ask me for tips!”

:: BETHENNY on SHARK TANK ::

UM.  IS THIS TRUE? Because I am equal parts eye roll and equal parts super duper into it.  I love Shark Tank.  It is one of the few on our “mutually exclusive allowed TV shows” list!
Apparently A-Rod is another guest shark.  So maybe when they say ‘Guest Shark’ it only means an episode or two? Not that she will be filling in for Lori or anything?

:: DINA MANZO’S BURGLARY ::

Dina Manzo, previously on Real Housewives of New Jersey, went home after Teresa’s daughters first communion over the weekend and her and her boyfriend walked into their home being burglarized! They were beaten and bound during the burglary and had to go to the hospital.

:: RH of OC :: 
Kelly Dodd is CONFIRMED for next season.
This excites me greatly.

There was just so much Housewives gossip to discuss this week! Thank goodness I still haven’t seen the Atlanta Reunion thing that everyone is talking about or else this Housewives gossip would never end.

(I don’t watch Atlanta but hope to watch part 4 of reunion because I just have to see what all of this fuss is about!!

:: BEN AND LAUREN ::
Break out the tissues.  Ben and Lauren announced this week “with heavy hearts” that the engagement was over.

Another one bites the dust for the Bachelor franchise.
I wonder when the relationsip actually ended? Because they had their awful spin-off, and then earlier in May were doing a Disney Fairy Tale Weddings special, and now the Bachelorette premieres next week.
So seems like this was just the perfect time to announce – the week between Fairy Tale Wedding and Bachelorette premiere.

No surprise, Lauren has already announced her plans to move back to LA and pursue modeling.

:: SOUTHERN CHARM ::
I loved this weeks episode so much.
We start with Kathryn doing what she does best this season, driving in her car by herself, either calling someone to say they are in the neighborhood or just stopping by their house because she is in the neighborhood.
This weeks lucky recipients : JD and Elizabeth,  the Godparents who are just DYING to be on television since being demoted as main players. Kathryn is their only hope, and man will they run with it!

Kathryn enters in a skin tight white dress (don’t worry! not another Herve Leger! Just a skin tight white dress!) and her hair in two Pippy Longstocking buns on either side of her head with a bouffant teased rull high on top.  Let that soak in.  And then…. that huge thick black braided mesh choker.  A vision!
JD makes sure to dress for the occasion as well, repping his Gentry Bourbon vest.

Kathryn can’t understand why she wasn’t invited to Jennifer’s Sip and See? All she did was completely ignore that her friend just gave birth to a baby that had to have immediate brain surgery, not ask about how him or her were doing, and instead treat her like crap for accepting an hanky from Thomas.

Kathryn states how she can’t believe she would invite Thomas and not her and how dare she! Elizabeth doesn’t even know what to say, knowing how quickly Miss Kathryn can spiral into craziness, and not wanting to ruin her meal ticket, so she just sighs and turns to JD like HALP HALP HALP.

Jennifer just keeps listening with big eyes, doing deep sympathetic sighs, and saying “wow” “oh, wow”.  Well played Jen, how can she gets pissed at that?

 

We cut to Patricia on her patio.   I am just so disappointed in her.  Isn’t the whole point of being this rich southern socialite for us to see you and your life as something we low life commoners cannot ever attain but aspire to?

Last week it’s your caftan.   This week it’s her iPad or iPhone holder WHILE in the caftan.  It’s like a furry stuffed animal that my nephews iPad sits in.  WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD?

 

 Craig arrives on the trip not in his designer hunting duds, but in a neon frat tank top.  Spot on.  They also had to stop at Wal-Mart to get Craig a new pair of boots because he forgot his. This is even better than the Dick’s thing this is killing me.

Shep is ready to go with his monogrammed mahogany gun, and Craig heads out in his Wal-Mart boots and a bright orange construction worker vest, and Whitney walks out in his $5,000 ensemble.  I love this so much. This episode is pure gold to me.

OH. and there’s more.

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

Why do these girls that have one night stands with Shep allow their faces to be shown the next morning, traipsing down the stairs? Just don’t sign the waiver! Note to all of you early 20 somethings sleeping with Shep in Charleston – do NOT sign the waiver.  Because the voiceover of your smudged make-up and bare feet on the stairs will be how he wishes you had left in the middle of the night and it is just NOT good.

Can Patricia, and everyone for that matter, just STOP trying to make Thomas and Landon happen?

But all this episode is really about is Hashtag Carpenter Craig and his delusions about life.

Naomi comes home from working on her masters/studying/adulting looking exhausted and he is embroidering Gizmo the cat on all of their pillows.  She’s staring at him sewing and asks “What did you do today?” I want to cry for her.  And then she notices that he doesn’t even sew anything, the machine does all of it for him, and for some reason her realization and saying “Wait?! You don’t even sew the computer does it!?” moment alone was perhaps my favorite part of this entire episode. YES NAOMI.  HE DOESN’T DO AN-EE-THING.

Except make Cameron wait 1 hour at a house because he is “stuck in traffic” and then see a house and say it is gross and “not something he wants in his portfolio.”  Can someone please inform me what this “portfolio” consists of because I would LOVE to know.
When Craig realizes Naomi has spoken to Cameron about their relationship he is pissed.   Note to Craig: You are on a reality show; not only will the closest friends know, the whole world will know!

We go to Jennifer’s house for a Sip and See for her baby (and a gorgeous house at that! Can I see a home tour? Someone give me a home tour!)

Naomi comes to her senses for a hot minute and ditches Craig when he is making her late once again and arrives separately.  When Craig arrives, he is like an irritated toddler not getting his way, yet he completely spins the situation onto Naomi.  I don’t think anyone thought Carpenter Craig could look any worse or stoop any lower, at least I didn’t, but yet again he surprises us all!   He is becoming one of the most delusional people to grace the Bravo screen in quite some time.  No wonder he could always put up with Kathryn!

He is so demeaning and rude to Naomi.  “So, child, you can speak.  Go ahead.” and then he continues, to Whitney “She’s an f’ing moron. She acts like a spoiled f’ing child.”
(When watching the episode I stopped writing notes entirely and just wrote : Craig is a little shit. And honestly I think that sums this up perfectly).   How dare he call Naomi a child! My mind is truly blown with THIS CHILD’S behavior!

:: SOUTHERN CHARM SAVANNAH ::

The new spin-off/second city of Southern Charm has begun in Savannah.
It seems like they are trying to replicate preview of a “dinner party from hell” right from the get go…. must we make every franchise kick it off with a dinner party from hell??

We are introduced to Nelson and Ashley two friends from growing up in Savannah and attending Savannah Country Day, which they inform us is the best of the best. Oh goodie! Adults still trying to live in high school!

As Nelson is saying there are several rules for the “upper echelon of Savannah” and shows them sitting on the dock I am thinking “Rule #1. they would never be caught dead in whatever ensemble this blonde girl is wearing and a lady would never sit with her super short dress and sneaker-ed feet up on a chair barely blocking her crotch.”

But I mean hey…. what do I know?

This is so pretentious.  I cant stand this show already.  Or at least these two. He is awful and so full of hot air.

We have Hannah, a Woodward girl for all of you Atlantans.  I do not know anything about Savannah Country Day, but can say with some confidence that I doubt Woodward would be “its sister school”.
Hmmmm Atlanta girls, let me know what you think, but I seriously doubt that. And why are 30+ year olds defining their lives on high school?

The local Rob Kardashian, Louis, comes in who has quit his finance job and now says “No more stocks! Only socks!”  I mean does he not know mom-ager Kris Jenner has already taken charge of that market and he doesn’t stand a chance?

Ashley is a fashion designer (with absolutely horrific taste and awful clothes).

Princess Kate was a model in her show at St. Andrews in Scotland and was wearing one of her designs when William first spotted her. That part is amazing. The clothes not so much.

We meet Catherine.

Catherine is sitting and talking about how important and wonderful her family is – her Grandmother “was a Colonial Dame she was actually the national president”

Producer : “So was she a decent of the colonists?”
“Um. I believe so? giggles!?”
Producer : “What do you know about the colonial period?”
“I know there was 13 colonies, right?”

Catherine is setting up a party for her on again off again boyfriend of forever, Lyle (could there BE a more awful name?)

She makes a comment to the party planner about Nelson’s last name being Lewis and that he was a big deal in DC before falling from grace and that was all she said.  I quickly paused and googled and the FIRST thing that came up shows that he is just as full of Sheyite as he seemed in the entire intro!  You can also check out this Page Six blurb on his many lies.  Why, oh why, do people like this then go back on television for the whole WORLD to know about their scandalous past?

Everyone starts arriving at the party and Nelson walks up and says “you remember Katarina.”  Pan to “Nelson’s Girlfriend” underneath her name an him saying “I have a lovely girlfriend named Katarina.  I think she’s sexy as hell (to be read with the same amount of sass he said it with).”

WHAT!!???
You can tell I am “live” writing this because I just yelled at the television and I am having to hit pause and type every 5 seconds.  Something has happened and my mind is blown.

I feel like we all are thinking the same thing, and I probably wouldn’t expand so much on it, but even THE SHOW immediately does a whole clarification on how it totally seems like he is gay but he is not gay and ends it with him saying (again, to be read with the same amount of sass he says it with) “Heterosexual wasps like myself have always had a flair for European women.”

I waited for the podcasters that recap all the Bravo shows on Watch What Crappens (two hilarious men who happen to be gay) to comment on this part, and they confirmed my thoughts: we all know what’s going on, and normally it’s not even worth commenting because who cares, but he has taken it to such an extreme that they are just going to comment on it.
On Watch What Crappens one guy they felt bad for the girlfriend and the other said : “Oh that girl knows! Some girls just want to marry a gay guy; you know they’re going to cheat on you but at the end of the day you fun at dinner together.”
That really had me laughing.  Katarine probably is having more fun at dinner than I am.

I mean, just the one second clip of him drinking through a straw says it all?!?

And the rest just keeps layering on from there!
Seriously. Mind blown.
But back to his political scandals in his past……

Turns out I didn’t even need to pause and google Nelson because they are going to spill the whole tea for us right here. I think the two male party planners were more intrigued to meet his girlfriend than hear about his scandalous past. Which “giant elephant in the room” were they referring to?

The party is still going, but Ashley strips down into a high cut one piece and jumps into the water.  We’re one episode in and this is her second scantily clad one piece water jumping scene. Nipples blurred an everything.   I will tip my hat to her for having no fear.  I would never in a million years jump into that nasty dark muddy water, especially at night.  And especially in a white bathing suit!

Benny, the Colorado hairy hippie one, tells his backstory.  He grew up extremely wealthy and then his dad was charged with 77 counts of embezzlement.  He went from rich and partying to having to work his butt off and took over the law firm and it’s more successful than ever.  Never saw that job coming from a mile away with the multicolored sleeveless tanks and backwards mesh hats he was wearing! Good for you Benny!
Just shower a little more and shave and you’re the best one on this show by far!

Four of the girls head out for dinner together and dinner gets interrupted by a phone call to Ashley that her house is on fire.  She understandably runs out of the dinner and the girls decide they should go by the house to make sure everything is okay.  But not before Catherine stands outside nursing her drink and says “Should I ask for a to go cup?”

SERIOUSLY????
Okay…. everything with Catherine was very childish this whole episode.   Especially her relationship with Lyle (still can’t get over the name Lyle) where she wouldn’t even hug him at his party and would act like a shy child not making eye contact, but THIS?!?! Your friends house is on fire! Grow up and put your damn drink down and go be with your friend!

…..soooooo with that, we are one episode in.
What are your thoughts? Because I really laid it all out there!
I much prefer Charleston.  Hands down. 10 times over.
This seems very forced and like the people are trying really hard. 
But you know I’ll watch any garbage, so consider me on board.  Shocker.

:: BELOW DECK ::
I am so glad this is back on! It’s one of the few shows (only shows? well, Peoples Couch but that hasn’t been on in forever!) that Kip will watch on Bravo.
Bobby and Hannah drive me insane though.
Bobby is still just as obnoxious as ever, but the invisalign has helped 10x and his teeth look SO much better.
I don’t know why he thinks every girl is immediately going to be all about him on the boat. Note to self: Hannah isn’t whats ruining your chances of getting with anyone.

Did you see the huge fight the two got into on WWHL with my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen? Those two went AT IT! 

:: THE ARRANGEMENT ::
Can’t believe it, but I am sad the finale was this week.  Parts of this show were so bad and stupid, but I got really into it.  I blame Leah Remini…. I am hooked on all things Scientology.  (And yeah right that “The Institute of The Higher Mind” and this entire show is not based on that)

I also always had the hugest celeb-crush on Michael Vartan from watching Never Been Kissed, Alias and Monster-In-Law (the worlds greatest movie with Oscar worthy acting from my beloved J.Lo).  And he plays the craziest, most awful person ever in this show SO well and really gives me the heeby jeebies. (editors note : how do you spell heeby jeebies?) 

PS> I re-watch Monster-in-Law every time it’s on TV and it will never. ever. not be amazing.

:: WWHL ::
My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen has a gift for getting people to spill the shady tea on WWHL.  The best stuff always comes out.  Patty Lupone shared her thoughts on everything from Madonna being a horrible actress (calling her a “movie killer”) and more.
And it excited me mostly because I could use this gif.

What has become of my life? don’t answer that.
Literally my first thought when she was spilling the tea was me visualizing and hearing “Shut Up Patti LuPone” in Jack’s voice, and the second was how excited I was to be able to use the Will + Grace gif.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
Jennifer Hudson is joining The Voice!

I think she will be a great addition to the show!
And I would much rather see her than Miley and her damn tongue every week

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
Paris Hilton is certain she invented the Selfie.
although if I’m honest, if I think about it, if anyone is going to get credit for it, it actually would be her.
right?

but still… we’ll call it the Jackhole.

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

:: SOUTHERN CHARM ::
I appreciate Lady Elaine’s Whitney’s “baggage” metaphor with T-Rav.
“You’ve got your baggage, then your overhead baggage, then the baggage that doesn’t fit in the overhead bin, and so you have to check it outside the gate.”   It might as well be Shakespeare.

Hashtag Carpenter Craig is not helping to change anyones opinions of him when he orders a sewing machine and says he loves to sew.  But I guess it’s a better distraction than talking to Gizmo the cat.

Kathryn hasn’t talked to Jennifer in 7 months because….. oh, right: because Thomas passed her a hankerchief when she was crying at the reunion taping. Seriously. That’s what all the anger from her is based on.

Jennifer is saying she has been a little preoccupied with things in her life.
“I was pregnant with a baby that may live or die.”
To which Kathryn responds…..He handed you a hankerchief!
It’s unbelievable. It’s all about Kathryn.  The way she sits there with that smug face while Jennifer talks about her son crying is horrible to watch.

In response to Jennifer discussing her son and his birth defect:
“Of course I feel sympathy for her but after seeing what happened between her and Thomas this just seems fishy as well”
WHAT!!???? 
“That is manipulation in the purest form.”
No words for her.

Landon and Austen go to lunch together, where she makes it clear to Austen that he has to hide her “Roam” status so that she is treated just like everyone else and not like the big restaurant-travel-critic the world knows her to be.  She is so delusional lately? I love that he calls her out on the pretentious stuff.  Only Aspen is high class enough for her; she scoffs at Vail. Why is Landon acting like that this season?  If you think that taking a date to Aspen is how you decide if you like them, you probably shouldn’t have divorced your rich ex-husband sweetie.

She is super concerned over a conversation between her and her 9 years junior boy-toy Drew when she mentions New York:
“Whats’ the big park there?”
“Central Park?”
“Yeah that one!”
Yes, I realize the stupidity of this comment, and the clip with his facial and tone and all of didn’t do him any favors in making him seem any more intelligent, but of course this is why Landon can’t date him…. not because of the million other obvious reasons.

Carpenter Craig is trying to buy a home as a rental property, because he thinks his sewing habit and lack of license to practice law somehow means he has extreme expendable income.
The delusions of this boy! I swear!
Craig takes his gardening skills into the kitchen to recreate his favorite scenes from Rom-Com’s.  He tells us that he’s a pretty good catch and that Naomi should consider herself lucky.
Riiiiiiight…. she is the lucky one.
He then decided to tell Naomi that on top of still not taking the bar he is going to start a clothing line.
Craig then says  “I want to have a rental property by the end of the week. I want to check that off the list.
This is how I work; as soon as I write something down I need to work towards it.”
Um……
…. silence….. and laughter from Naomi…..

Craig, I know you think you’re some huge successful grown-up, but even your big romantic gesture for Naomi is AT HER PARENTS HOUSE.  I meannnnnnn.
Naomi is like “DO YOU WANT TO BE A LAWYER YES OR NO” and his head just starts spinning! How dare she ask a question like that!   And then he acts like a spoiled bratty teenager and says Naomi is being stupid for telling him straight up facts about his lack of motivation and his ludicrous beliefs about his success.

:: PATRICIA’S CAFTANS ::
Oh. Em. Gee.
I caught up on about a weeks worth of WWHL with my-boyfriend-andy-cohen this week and saw the episode with Patricia from Southern Charm (and Kelly Osborne who we just won’t even discuss because I barely made it through the episode. I can’t with her.)
Patricia showed up wearing a personalized dog caftan, and now has a line called Patricia’s Couture.

Yes, that is real.
And yes, she is acting like this is couture.
How on earth could this woman think that is couture?
I of course went straight to the website and LOOK WHO ELSE.

GIZMO THE CAT ON NAOMI.
I really can’t.
I just wish it was Craig in Gizmo pajamas like the Wacha pajamas she made for my-boyfriend-andy-cohen. 

PLEASE go to the website and check everything out.  Here is the product description:
Patricia’s Couture by Sherina combines crystal and pearl embellishments
in a custom caftan featuring your very own pet
(dog, cat, horse, bird, even fish). So versatile, this caftan, handcrafted in India,
can be worn from the beach to a barbecue to a cocktail party or black tie event.

Did you hear that!? A Black Tie Event! Your wedding dress hunt is OVER LADIES.
And all for only $299.
I mean…. $299 for COUTURE?!
It’s a STEAL.

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF POTOMAC ::

Let’s break this weeks episode down….
ohhhh I jest.
Seriously, who of you watches this? I know there must be some, and I promise it’s no judgement! You are a better woman than me. I just can’t.

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA ::
I also don’t watch this show…. but I think I am going to watch the reunions.  I feel like Atlanta reunions always hit another level, and not gonna lie, the commercials really do grab me.

or maybe I’ll just watch the gifs instead…..

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NY : LAST WEEK’S EPISODE ::
I hate that I keep missing or barely commenting on NYC because it airs Wednesday nights when I am trying to wrap this post up!  When my husband is in town, it’s just too hard to watch because he makes me go to sleep like a parent instead of letting me stay up watching TV in bed all night and selfishly pretending he can’t hear it 🙂 Also, I’ve been trying to work on this whole thing called “sleep” which is just obnoxious.

But I’m hoping that I can do “last weeks housewives” and it’ll work.  Kind of like in college at Miami of Ohio when the lunch spot uptown had “yesterdays soup : because it’s always better the next day”.  Hopefully this will be better the next week?
editors note : I know I know….. we’ll just pretend. 

So last week we pick up at Ramona’s dinner party.  The dinner that Ramona ENTIRELY made herself obviously.  Because she won’t even fetch her guests a drink, they have to make their own at the bar, but she’ll totally slave in the kitchen over a full meal for 20? Riiiiiiiight.
The show doesn’t waste a minute and goes straight into Dorinda going NUTS on Sonja for the things she has said about her over the past year, but most recently what was just printed in the papers.

I love Sonja’s full delusion about life.  I kind of want to be as delusional as she is.  She is going on and on about being invited to LuAnn and Tom’s wedding but not being able to attend.  The BRIDE is sitting DIRECTLY ACROSS from her and saying “No, Sonja, you are not invited and you were never invited.” And Sonja will just keep rattling on “of course I’m invited I just sadly can’t make it!”  It’s hilariously entertaining.

However, despite how delusional Sonja is, or how much sheyite talking behind Dorinda’s back she did, I do not think anyone deserved to be attacked the way that Sonja was.  I mean, some of it is just natural Dorinda, but even for Dorinda it reached a whole new level!

It was baaaaaad.  Carole was trying to calm her down at the end of the table saying she was hitting too low and Dorinda would agree and then go straight back into it.  I did laugh at the Grey Gardens “Edie upstairs” comment, and laugh really hard, but it was mean and unnecessary.  (I meannnnn, I may still be laughing about it, but IT WAS WRONG)
Through it all, Sonja remains calm as a cucumber.

I love how Bethenny just gets to decide to do or not do whatever she wants.  It’s like be in it or don’t be in it.  Be on the show or don’t.

The whole point is for you to be involved in it, not to get to pick and choose what you will and wont participate in based on when it’s on your turf or you feel you have the upper hand. Only Bethenny (and NeNe and Teresa) are able to have as much as control as this.

I couldn’t believe that Candace Bushnell of all people played such a role in this episode.
She was the lucky recipient of this gem :

And she was also part of the green vest brigade at LuAnn’s brunch at her house.
The next morning, at LuAnn’s brunch, it’s as if all that Dorinda said was “this bothered me” and they both are like “Yeah! Past in the past! Over it!”
WHAT? But I mean…. good for you?

Tinsley and Sonja have their first spat over Tinsley hanging out with Sonja’s friends without her.  I sense a struggle coming.  But Tinsley has nowhere else to live, so I think she’ll just keep bowing down to Sonja.  Who knows, maybe she’ll even wash Sonja’s lingerie in the bidet for her.

Next week (slash last night since it will have already aired) is Carole’s election party (that she uninvited Ramona to after judging Ramona for uninviting Sonja from staying with her in the Hamptons)
and SPOILER ALERT : TRUMP WINS.

:: BRAD PITT in GQ ::
Brad Pitt opened up about his divorce + more in the new issue of GQ.  And lemme tell ya, it was weird.

Please see 12 Funny Twitter Reactions to it for pure comedy.
My favorite is “he sounds like Hansel from Zoolander” because YES.

:: THE MET BALL ::
In case you didn’t hear, the place to be at the Met Ball was the bathroom.

I mean…. this seems like the whole party alone.

:: SECOND WIVES CLUB ::

Starts tonight on E!

:: SWEET HOME OKLAHOMA :: 

The finale was this week…. BUT I was excited to see that more episodes are coming back in July.  I like it for a silly, quick, light-hearted show where the women are actually friends and love and support each other.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
I have not been a fan of Nancy Kerrigan all season on DWTS because, well, I’m not a fan of Nancy Kerrigan.  When she got kicked off this week and Grandpa Rossy stayed her face was SO BITCHY.  Looking straight at Rossy her face said “are you kidding me? he is staying? what a joke!”

Listen Nance.  In no world are you Maks and Heather, not even close, and they got kicked off last week. So consider yourself lucky you get the one extra week and save the ‘tude.  Mmmk thanks.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
To my-boyfriend-andy-cohen for getting THE BUNNY!

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

discuss amongst ya-selves……. 

:: BACHELOR NATION ::

I normally don’t begin Coffee Talk with The Bachelor when the show isn’t currently airing, but the biggest news to ever shake #BachelorNation has occurred.  And it is SHOCKING.  Like, Jack from Will and Grace, Jaw on the floor, OH. MY. GAHH shocking.

Chris Soules, aka Farmer Chris, the Bachelor that just giggled like a school girl all season and didn’t say or do much of anything, was involved in a fatal car accident and arrested for fleeing from the scene.  I was shocked.  This does not sound like Farmer Chris.

So that news was announced Tuesday, and now there is Audio of Chris calling 911 and reporting all of it and checking for a pulse on the man and everything. So I’m confused? Someone please inform me of what the heck is going on? He called it all in and then fled? Who does that? How did he get home?

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

Thomas is having a Polo Party at his place, and he enlists Landon to throw it.  She acts like putting together a bar of booze is being a party planner and that it’s in her blood.  “I love food, flowers, cocktails; it’s in my blood it’s how I was raised.” Um. Okay? I think every girl ever could say the same thing but hey, what do I know.  I can also guarantee you made none of the food at this shindig yourself, there are men carrying in all of the booze for you, etc, but hey, what do I know.
This whole episode is about Chelsea, Cameron’s friend, and who she is sleeping with slash making out with slash wants to sleep with.  Will it be Shep or will it be Austen? Both of them don’t seem like much of a catch to me, but I guess it gives a girl a story line, so she’s hanging in there.
ALSO. How did I not know that Chelsea was a runner up on Survivor? I guess because I don’t watch Survivor, but shoutout to my mother who has never missed an episode. (6 Things to Know about Chelsea here).

At the polo party, Thomas completely avoids his children, despite his daughter screaming “daddy” 10 times. So sad. Carpenter Craig completely calls him out on his sheyite.

Slow Clap for Craig.  Then he continues talking about it to everyone at the party nonstop, which is Thomas’ party ,which makes me again go back to “Ughhh Craig. Just drop it.”  Even Naomi gives zero eff’s about this situation.

Chelsea goes on a date with Austen and I actually think she would be perfect for Austen OR Shep.  It’s nothing but giggles and nonsense talk and chugging mind-erasers.  (or whatever the Charleston version of a mind-eraser is).  I’m judging, if she is actually looking for a boyfriend, but not judging in any way shape or form if she wants to be my BFF.
Because that sounds like a real fun date. Next round on me.

This whole episode is truly about switching back and forth between Chelsea + Shep and Chelsea + Austen.  But we get these amazing tidbits in between like Landon saying THIS GEM : “I’m not like Craig, when have I ever had a hairbrained idea? I’ve been successful at everything I’ve ever done.”
the best is also just the way she speaks saying these words.  her voice!!! 
Um.  What?  Since appearing on this show, I have no idea what you have done.  She adds in “Well except my marriage” and I’m thinking, no one is even thinking about your marriage; we are just trying to figure out what successes you are referring to?

Shep has a 37th birthday party on a boat and invited Kathryn this time, since Landon has been demoted as his party planner. (She does not attend. Damn.) Cameron informs Shep that if he doesn’t watch himself, he’ll end up like Thomas.  Cut to Thomas, sitting alone with his beer, on the phone with the nanny talking about how maybe he’ll be home in two hours, because he has no interest in going home to see his children.  (Yet it’s always “Thank God for T-Rav raising those kids!” fro, everyone.)

Landon brings her 24 year old boy-toy and it’s just SO awkward every single time.  So. Awk. Ward. Especially with her constant awkward giggles. (insert Kathryn:” You sound like a Dolphin!” which is actually one of the smartest things Kathryn has ever said.  And it came with one of her winning facial expressions so it’s extra special).

Kathryn got a new interview outfit….. annnnd it’s another Herve Ledger Bandage Dress.
This one is much better than the purple so I’ll give her that.  But why always a bandage dress? Are we hitting up a club in Las Vegas following this interview session??

The majority of the party is just back and forth of who is Chelsea going to pick, and then cutting over to Thomas and Whitney, the least sexually attractive people on the boat hands down, acting like they can get any woman they want and creepily giggling like Beavis and Butthead while cruelly judging women’s looks and ankles from the corner.

Thomas is pathetic; truly what girl would sleep with him ever?! Or not even that, who would let him buy her a drink at the bar?! A 5 minute conversation with him isn’t even worth a free drink!  Ugh.  He’s awful.

P.S. Cameron just announced she’s pregnant!

:: RHOBH ::

Bunny Gate Continues.  Insert Eye Roll. 
Rinna is just truly insane (I know that’s all I ever say, but it’s true)  and wants to make everything into the scene of the century.   Regarding the gift of a stuffed animal being handed back to her :  “This is the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me.”

WHAT? A person you can’t stand handing you back a stuffed animal?

There is an “F off” voice button that Rinna pulls out, which was so stupid, and a lot of back and forth between Kim and her while Kyle looks like she wants to rip Rinna to pieces.  If looks could kill!

Rinna says that Kim just wants to be on the show and that Rinna is her “meal ticket”.  Kyle’s defense if that her and her sister were the first two original housewives cast for the show.  I mean, I see both sides.  But Kyle, come on. We’ve come a long way from that.  The talking about Kim and her sobriety is the only thing she has going on with this show, and Rinna constantly bringing it up IS kind of her meal ticket. Literally.  Kim does nothing.  I wish Rinna would learn that the best revenge WOULD be to just keep her lips shut, and make Kim irrelevant again.
(I love how Kim tries to act later in the show in a little argument with Eileen like she is some super serious working actress.  It was quite hysterical.)

Eileen really has found her voice and wants to start some beef all around this reunion though! From things as tiny as Kyle saying that she doesn’t think Rinna can keep her big lips shut being super hurtful (come on! that is not hurtful! Rinna is hurtful!) And then taking it all the way down to Kim with the soap actress versus regular actress, which I loved, because Kim just looks like an idiot acting like she is some big huge actress versus Eileen who is on the TV screen 5 days a week and has been for years and years and years.    But okay Kim….. sure…… Escape to Witch Mountain is totally relevant and you are A SHINING STAR!

There’s more with LVP and the dogs (refuse to watch), Max finding his birth mother, the drug accusations with the Xanax Smoothie and the Cocaine at the Dinner Party at Dorit’s.

But nothing too crazy.  Well, more Rinna being coo coo crazy and quite the betch but that is just her this season.
More importantly…..

The one thing that had the biggest impact on me this week involving RHOBH was learning that Eden dated Jesse McCartney, and SERIOUSLY,, for 2.5 years! They froze EMBRYOS together and everything!

I think they both were alcoholics at the time,  or at least she was – she hadn’t gone into AA yet and did right after they broke up.
I mean, my mind is BLOWN.  How was this never mentioned during the season? Have I been living under a rock?!

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::

Remember these Steve Madden shoes from the 90’s?!

Were you not obsessed!
And anyone could hear you coming from a mile away because of the SMACK, SMACK, SMACK with every step?
Order your updated pair here!   Please let this be true fashion again.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 

Dancing With the Stars, for allowing Maks and Heather from Glee to get kicked off.
They were AH-MAZING. I am devastated.  Watch their final dance, which received 4 perfect 10’s

Sorry for keeping it short this week,;
I have several houseguests arriving for a fun filled weekend today! 

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……. 

:: Southern Charm :: 

This lunch between Hashtag Carpenter Craig and Landon, the two unemployed cast members who are portrayed every episode as being completely delusional about the realities of life and just waiting for the rich friends/significant others to save them from their sorrows, is HILARIOUS.  They perfectly play right into the role and I’m sure are completely unaware of it.  Naomi calls when she leaves class and is en route to work on a charity event and Craig’s just happily “Hey babe, just having a beer and a charcuterie plate – see? Who needs to take the boards when I can say charcuterie! – with Landon living the life!! You need to learn to stop stressing babe!! It always works out!! I’ll have the step and release, the thing I don’t even know the name of, ready in no time.”  I don’t know how she does it…. I’d lose my mind…. at least she finally snaps at him later this episode.

You know I love the little street shots of Charleston and home shots they do on this show, and the aerial shot of Patricia’s house was absolutely amazing.  I knew her house was huge, but damn! When you see it from over head – my goodness!

I finally just took a picture of my TV since there are no photos of Kathryn in this purple Herve Ledger that I keep discussing….

so now I’ve got this bad boy read when I need it!  Just such a poor choice/

Speaking of poor choices….. Okay.  I just have to say this.  I’m sorry.  Not sorry not sorry, but sorry.  Kathryn isgetting out of her car and I’m thinking “Welp someone doesn’t care about the camera crew she is just not interested in putting in a stitch of effort today.”  And then it shows her walking into…… A MODELING AGENCY!?

WHAT!? Am I crazy for thinking you should put effort into your appearance to try to get singed for MODELING?!  Maybe they ask you to be natural, which in that case I retract my statement.  But no, I don’t…. can’t you put on NATURAL make up and fake it?!?!   To end on a positive, she looked gorgeous in some of those modeling photos.  I’m sorry…. but walking into a modeling agency like that, and showing all of your old photos as though it’s your portfolio, it just had be said. 

T-Rav saluting himself in the mirror like a General and having a fake conversation with Landon….. These nonsense moments are lovely little moments worth airing.  Landon and Travis sit out on the balcony and he says “I just need to find the right woman….. with a pleasing personality, of which you have no problem.”  And  Oh. My. Word. Landon laughs this absolutely insane laugh!!!! You know, one of those laughs a woman can give a man if she’s flirting – but 10x more over the top.  Because of this, now I actually DO think they slept together !! Or if they didn’t, that she does want to.   I hope that whole portion of the scene was editing and that laugh was not in response to his stupid pick up line.

This episode is really just a full on bash-fest of Carpenter Craig.  But he does it to himself.  He just doesn’t know why Naomi is stressed! Craig’s not stressed ! He has the step and release on it’s way.  Why stress about anything in life!
They get into the car and an argument begins because Naomi says she was pleased about having an adult conversation with Shep and agreeing on some things.  Carpenter Craig gets pissed. How dare she agree with Shep!

And then he really spirals out of control…. FAST……like the way only a bored housewife at home alone all day with only Gizmo the cat to talk to, waiting for the partner to come home and entertain him, and someone to talk baby talk to can do. 

He says “It’s like an abusive husband putting down his wife” in reference to what Shep is doing and I truly have no idea what is going on. Naomi laughs so I think she has no idea either.   I don’t know what’s happening, but I am loving his meltdown. 

There is a scene with Shep, T-Rav, some random girl, and Shep’s friend.  They discuss something about being related and sleeping with the same person or something like that, but really, who cares.  That is not what is important in this scene.

All you need to focus on is Shep’s friend.
WHO is this Walker guy?! He is straight out of the movie hot tub time machine with that hair and outfit.
It warranted an iPhone photo of my TV for you all 🙂 

It’s moments before the Charity party and Craig needs Naomi to see the ENTIRE step and release – she sees it and says it looks great.  But that’s not enough! He did one thing and wants more praise! He is begging her to roll the whole thing out and she has to remind him that “it’s the same thing repeated over and over again.”  I can’t.

We arrive at the charity party, where of course nothing is done and Carpenter Craig has completely dropped the ball (but DID manage to get his hair juuuuuuuuust right while chit chatting with Gizmo the Cat before leaving at the latest possible minute for the party). There’s no way her parents aren’t disappointed about this whole dating situation??  

Cameron looks absolutely adorable in her printed shorts and a white top.
And Landon looks super cute at this event too! Hair and all! 

Naomi is talking at the party to one of Craig’s law school classmates and he says “well from the internet he looks like a great gardener” I. Die.  So good.

We finish with Cameron’s friend switching from Team-Shep to Team-Shep-2.0 with Austen…. uh oh…..

:: A Recent Kathryn Update :: 
It has been reported that she got kicked out of her son’s christening this past Easter Sunday.
Well…. if it was anything like Kenzie, who was Christened 3 times I believe, she shouldn’t worry because I’m sure there will be more in the future…. but I digress…

old photo – no arrest was made 🙂 It’s so hard to find Kathryn gif’s and they would be pure gold with her facial expressions.

If this story is true, it was a disaster.
(Kathryn accusing Thomas of being with the nanny’s 20 year old daughter, screaming profanities, and all of this at the Christening!)
If her and Thomas ever sleep together again….. I swear.

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 

There was a new revelation for me, regarding the Bachelor/Bachelorette party in New Orleans.  I had no idea that when Sandoval kicks open the door and yells  “look at him!!! he’s a battered wife!!!” that Schwartz was sitting on a toilet ! I thought he was sitting on the edge of a bed ! And I’ve seen that scene like 5 times ! GROSS!!!!!!

The moment we have all been waiting for : Shay and Scheana reunited for the first time in 4 months.

Did you see the expression on Scheana’s face when she saw Mike Shay come out?   Me neither.
Ba-dump-chhhhhhh…. Get it? the Botox and filler… no expression…..

My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen asks his first question and she’s crying 3 words into her response.  I feel so bad for her.
(I continue watching and then……)
Okay wait…I don’t feel as bad…. because now she has a compact out fixing her eyes the entire time in a mirror while Shay is attempting to talk.

Andy is looking at her like UMMMM SWEETIE.
This really reinforces the whole “you never listen” and “its all about you” thing when you can’t even listen to this ONE LAST conversation with your husband and you need to stare at yourself in your compact the whole time instead.  

Shay says as much as he has ever said every time we see him….. which is pretty much nothing.  Arianna is begging him to talk, to say his side of the story.  And he still can’t think of words. is he on drugs today? 

What he did say was pretty incriminating…. he did not deny any of the drug things.
Scheana : DENY IT!  Shay : long pause with head shake. “ughhh”
um… Shay… I know you are new to this whole  “talking” thing, but that is not a good way to deny it.
And it certainly didn’t reflect highly when he’s saying “oh yeah it was always ‘your money your money'”.  Um.  So you are mad she made money while you had none and that you were able to “make music” and buy drugs with it?
Also, you can’t really say that Scheana dating someone is “too soon” and that of course you aren’t seeing anyone because “you’re still legally married” when you have been busted SEXTING with another girl DURING your marriage? But hey, what do I know!

Shay does win in the one paragraph he managed to speak.  That she was always going out, and that wasn’t supposed to be his lifestyle anymore since he had quit drinking, but she chose to go out.

My favorite/most annoying thing about all of this is all of the social media references.  “I hear from people that watch your snapchats that you’re happy, so I’m glad you’re happy”  was my favorite.  So pathetic.

I really did appreciate everyone else’s facial expressions during this horribly awkward encounter (James, Stassi, Jax).  I also appreciated Jax saying this was the best reunion ever and then turning to Scheana and saying “I mean, except for you, sorry.”

And surprisingly, I really appreciated James in general this entire reunion.  He only had one teensy weensy flare up, and it was geared at Crazy Kristin, so I’ll allow it!
Slow Clap for James, and especially for his dig last week about Stassi crawling back from NYC
I never thought I’d be complementing him!

Is LVP joking that the reason Tom Tom isn’t up and running is because Tom Schwartz won’t commit?  A job is handed to this kid (potentially) and he says no before she can even finish the sentence.  That is how afraid of working/lazy he is.  And in no way shape or form does “he’s a great bartender” mean that he Sandoval should run a restaurant?  Also, Sandoval is crying AGAIN over this.  I really can’t with Sandoval.

editors note : a google of Tom Tom to see if there were any updates revealed that Taco Cowboy in the Highlands was originally called Tom Tom.  How on earth did two people want to name their restaurant that? 

:: DWTS :: 

Erika Jayne got sent home this week. Womp womp.  I just think this show and this audience was really not the place for her to shine.
Best dance of the night was definitely the Mulan Dance with Val and Normani from 5th Harmony.  I used to love that song too so it really gave me some flashbacks to my younger years.

:: RH of Beverly Hills Reunion Part II :: 

Why is PK still here? I am so sick of looking at this man’s face.
Can we please quit giving him the attention he so, so, so desperately needs!

Kim dated Donald Trump? Oh my Lord. Can you imagine!?

Eden looks very beautiful – with the longer hair it softens her strong lock-jaw facial expressions.
She is definitely best dressed out of this group in that Halston as well.

I hope she sleeps in a night-guard because her jaw is just permanently clenched at all times?!?!

ALSO.  SIDE NOTE.  I learned from a podcast where Kyle was a guest that Eden also brought a glam squad with her to Hong Kong.  So that Black Wig night? She PAYED to fly someone across the world and do that.

How can Eden act like Kyle was the one that did something wrong? I’m glad Kyle defended herself by saying Eden walks right in says she is cold and then says where’s the drinking come from – you two are not friends!
How does this woman get to this age and not understand boundaries?

These reunion episodes are so lame so far, and a perfect example of this is that a stuffed bunny is the “peak” of this episode.
This whole Bunny thing is just so weird.

This is, like, on an Eden Level of Coo Coo Crazy.
How is no one on these couches not cracking up?

What kind of weirdo (Kim obviously) keeps this gift, perfectly wrapped, for 8 months? Was this her intention the whole time, to bring it up on the reunion? The strangest part is that she brings it up after having a huge moment about the two of them being in a good place.  It made no sense.
What makes less sense, there are TEARS over this.
Why is Rinna crying over this bunny??  I am cracking up right now.

Does Rinna deserve an Oscar? Because this has got to be acting?
How on earth does this elicit this kind of response?

More exciting than this reunion is this link to Rinna in bikini for Spring Break with her kids in Cabo.
It’s just not fair.

:: RH of New York ::

Why, oh why, must this be on Wednesday nights at 9 PM Eastern!
Looks like it will be a good episode though!

:: Jackhole Of The Week ::
I don’t know if this technically fits in the Jackhole category, but why the heck not, just go with it.
Have you heard the rumors about this “scripted reality show” about reality stars that Housewives (like Jill Zaran and Sheree and Gretchen Rossi) are “acting” in ?
Could anything possibly sound any worse?? How in the world is this show getting a green light?

The latest information I learned is that Joyce’s husband is the one that is behind all of it.

Editors Note :
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.