The Sarcastic Blonde

fashion, food, fitness + a dose of sarcastic gossip

health, Lifestyle

:: kardashian kloset ::

ummmmmm have you seen khloe’s workout closet? 

if you want some motivation to get to the gym, or I guess to be a gazillionaire and have 97 pairs of workout shoes (totally unnecessary….. still like it) check out Khloe’s closet dedicated entirely to her fitness gear.  (full pictures at self magazine)

the real part I’m envious of is the fridge….. I love me some bottled water, but half of that bad boy would be filled with some pinot grigio and snacks for post workout rewards. 


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Lifestyle

:: weekend things ::

:: weekend things :: 

:: Barefoot in LA :: 
you know I love my girl Ina! 
She has a one hour special airing this weekend (Saturday and Sunday mornings) of her cooking with celebs in LA.
I love heractualy cooking in the hamptons with jeffrey more, but any Ina is great with me! 
Wolfgang puck is the cutest, smiliest man alive.  I want to eat him.  
and of course when she cooks with NPH and his husband it is adorable.  (instagram from when they filmed it : “how much fun did I have cooking with NPH and David #toomuch fun.  I just can’t.  I love her) 
if you don’t follow Ina on instagram you should get on that.  you can hear her voice saying her captions and it will light up your day. 
it’s exciting things like her at the taylor swift concert using OMG in her captions and cute pictures of her and jeffrey in paris with captions “uh oh! champagne for breakfast! #drunkhubby” 
if you aren’t smiling right now you have a heart of ice. 

:: blue + white decor :: 
I love this set of three blue + white vases, and the whole set is only $70! 

:: fedora fun ::
I’ve been trying to find a cute hat for Italy, and I ordered this one from Nordstrom.
I like it, but I feel like the brim is a little too wide for me. 
I feel like it’s a little “LOOK IM WEARING A HAT” if you know what I mean.
(no, I don’t even know what that means, but thats what I feel about it). 

These two options from Forever21 are next on the list to try.

The BP section at Nordstroms also has great under $20 options.


You can tell I SERIOUSLY have no life when I am putting this much thought into a damn hat and that most of my spare thoughts revolve entirely around Italy.
I’ll probably crush it on the way over and not wear it the whole trip.
whatevs. 

:: Caitlyn Jenner :: 
Caitlyn and Kris reunited for Kylie’s 18th birthday this weekend.
HOW that child is just now turning 18 is beyond me. 
why an 18 year old would want to look 30 is also beyond me. 
I’ve really been enjoying I am Cait on E! and still get emotional during it. 

:: back to Italy ::
ok wait, back to Italy.
I got this little travel size Batiste Dry Shampoo and a little travel size Moroccan Oil and I forgot how much better things are in teeny tiny sizes. 

:: project runway :: 
project runway is backkkkkkk! 
I love me some Tim Gunn and I love this show I am so excited!! 
….. also just saw my first commercial preview for Ladies of London on Bravo and CANT WAIT! 

I’m spending my saturday night in with a sushi night and project runway! 
cubs game with in-laws and hosting dinner at our place afterwards for tomorrow!
hope you’re all having a great weekend! 
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coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 
  
:: bachelor in paradise :: 
I’m already loving it and think it’s great.  Nothings even happened yet, except princess-jasmine-belly-button-ring-kim-kardashian crying her eyes out every 5 seconds.
but I’m not clawing my eyes out watching Nick, so I’m a happy girl. 

ummmmmm YALL…… i found something I won’t watch.
they are doing a live after show for bachelor in paradise and I said NO.
I mean…. this has GOT to be step one in a 12 step program for tv addicts.
theres hope for me yet…… slim….. but theres a chance.

:: crazy kim clepto kim :: 
kim richards upper her game and got caught trying to steal $600 worth of stuff from target.  I mean we all WANT EVERYTHING from Target but Kim, come on. 
now, I’ve never shoplifted, and never intend to, but someone please explain this to me: how would one attempt to steal SIX HUNDRED dollars worth of stuff from Target? I mean, was she like pushing a shopping cart out the door? did she have a giant bag and sweater and was putting things all over her body and in her purse?  I need more details about how crazy Kim possible thought she was going to do this.

yes, I realize its highly likely she was under the influence, and someone that would shoplift clearly isn’t thinking straight to begin with, but I want some more details people so I can place myself in the mind of crazy pants Kim Richards! 

:: kelly osborne :: 
ooooo girl.  you have gotten yourself into a whole mess of trouble.  and you deserve it. 

Osbourne came under fire when she attempted to criticise Donald Trump’s controversial proposed immigration policies by asking:“If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilet, Donald Trump?”
Realising her gaffe, she then attempted to defend it, telling her fellow panelists on The View: “In the sense that…you know what I mean? But I’m saying that in LA, they always… No, I didn’t mean it like that! Come on! I would never mean it like that! I’m not part of this argument.”
this must have been the BEST news story for giuliana rancic to EVER report on E! News, and I watched it to see what she said, and she couldnt have been smiling more when Jason Kennedy told it and then she “took the high road” through the biggest smile ever.  she retires from the show in a week, by her own choice she says with Duke starting school – but I feel like maybe if the Fashion Police/Weed Comment/Kelly Osborne thing hadn’t happened she wouldn’t be retiring.  
sooooo perfect timing for her to get report on that one, because there is no argument to defend what kelly said. and karmas a beyotch kelly. 

and kelly apology was as classy as she is, ending with “by the way I clean my own f***** toilets” 
I CANNOT STAND HER. or her own words I f’ing can’t f’ing stand f’ing her.  its truly the most used word in her vocabulary.  BYE FELICIA.  

:: baby news :: 
in the least shocking news of all time
coco and ice t are naming their baby chanel
get it? coco is having a chanel.
good god. next……
oh wait. side note.  they have a TV show? that is where they keep announcing these things. I would love to know what their daily program discusses.
ok now : good god.  next….. 

:: RHOOC :: 
 i just hope when I’m that age I’m rich enough to go on trips to moorea with my girlfriends and drink and swim outside of our hut over the water.
stay classy tamra. 
ugh megan.  don’t sit and sob about how you aren’t a real mother to your stepchildren of 4 months. it’s sweet that she care so much, but she takes this “imnotaregularmomimacoolstepmom” thing way too far.  and ugh vicki, don’t yell at the imnotaregularmomimacoolstepmom crying about her stepchildren.
and ugh shannon. even in moorea you’re bitching at david over the phone. 

atleast 15 times during the episode I thought “if I paid a fortune to travel to moorea for a honeymoon/trip with my husband and I had to listen to vicki screaming from her bungalow and at dinner and EVERYWHERE I would have been sooo pissed.”
also, most obnoxious part of the episode : them being so annoyed the waiter in tahiti doesn’t know what a fireball shot is and brings them something else.
ugh. I just can’t. 
oh no I forgot. most obnoxious is lizzy not taking a pregnancy test until at moorea. 

:: RHONY :: 
 sonja with the models: the second she walks in “her waist. that won’t work for us.”
this meeting is as much of a train wreck as the previous ones we saw, but this time with innocent young models as collateral damage. 
heather asks normal questions, such as ‘where do you see brand sitting in department stores’  and ‘who (what designers) do you want to hang out with’.
sonja’s people say ” you can’t compete with us ” 
uh, okay.  good answer. 
the people that work for sonja kill me.  in this episode and especially in the prior ones when they have “meetings” and are asked questions about the line, the way they respond is like kristin wing’s character Penelope on SNL who’s response to everything is just “yeah well I’m the best and soooo” 

every question about sonja morgan new york (full label name to be said dramatically) is basically “well but we’re sonja morgan new york, so, you know, anything we want happens instantly because were the most amazing, and so yeah, no one has factories to produce things as fast as we do, and yeah, other companies have set retailers but everyone wants sonja morgan new york so we don’t even have to do contracts, so, we just walk in the door and we win, so, yeah” 
this analogy makes no sense…… but it makes sense to me so whatever. 



:: jackhole/mazel of the week :: 
my television.
well…. kips television that became our television awhile back. 
it started about 2 years ago….. the TV started taking a long time to turn on. it would first take about….. 20 seconds.  then as time went on, the time to turn on increased.  but this was a HUGE ass flat screen TV that we had in our bedroom (believe it or not, my old TV for the bedroom was very tiny so I was happy for a big one – I’d make a size joke here and follow it up with a ‘thats what she said’ but I’ll resist) 
I was so excited to have a giant TV in the room I didn’t care how long it took and didn’t want to spend money on a new one.  I learned to just turn the TV on awhile before I would be watching it (reader thought : when are you not watching it?)

soooo you know how pathetic I am…. cut to our new house and the TV is in the guest room so I don’t use it as much (cough: except when I sit in there and drink wine and get dressed for the night and watch copious amounts of TV) 
it was to the point where it took over five minute to turn on.  FIVE. and made this loud ticking sound the whole time.
so….. sadly….. the day came this week where she just won’t turn on.
RIP Kip’s old TV.  I suppose this is another lesson, like his nasty old mattress we still sleep on where the spring will soon be piercing my back, to BE A GROWN UP AND BUY NEW THINGS. 
if you missed the THRILLING story about our mattress, see this post 🙂 
ps Im totally getting that mattress you all recommended! 
there are no mattress gifs so this is the next best 🙂 
but side note : i’m proud that I can now say I watched so much television I killed a TV 🙂 

:: jackhole of the week :: 
ME. for just writing all of that about A TELEVISION and for writing a whole thing about OUR MATTRESS.  
I find new lows on a monthly basis with this blog…….. 

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that. 






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fashion, Lifestyle

:: wishlist wednesday ::

lusts for the week……
  
forever21 has the cutest chambray shirt dresses right now (click here to see more)
and of course the prices can’t be beat


and a good romper. if only I could trust myself in cream. 

{cream romper} 

I got this Madewell side slit sweater a few weeks ago, and it is now on sale!
I love it, super thin and light-weight and the slit doesn’t come up too high so its not revealing.
sizing: meant to be oversized so I went down a size and it still has a nice loose fit. 

I also love this striped sweater they have on super sale ($30!) with the zipper detail on the shoulders.
this basic deck-striped tee is a perfect every day option too! 

other than stripes, I love me some gingham.
this is the perfect wear all the time shirt with white jeans. 
I’d have to be careful to not match my husband though because he rotates a good bit of gingham on the weekend

I could never ever justify the cost of a Marysia swimsuit, 
so I have been hunting for some scalloped suits but for a steal. 
{ scalloped bikini top } // { scalloped bikini bottoms }
also love this topshop scalloped mini skirt


this bag is super cute, super cheap, and reminiscent of the chloe saddle bag thats all over the place right now. 

{ saddle bag }
also comes in a beautiful brown and red, 
which are much prettier than the black but it won’t let me save the image 🙂 



can never get enough maxis.  or open backs. 

{ navy printed maxi } also comes in a pretty cream print


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friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: tuesday things ::

random thoughts for tuesday…… 
  
:: one :: 
I can’t believe I didn’t realize that Wet Hot American Summer First Day At Camp was released on Netflix! 

I am so excited to marathon the hell out of this. 
I know how I will be spending my weekend this weekend….. 

:: two :: 
Hide your kids, Hide your wife, because this is the summer of NO ONES marriage making it.  
gwen stefani and gavin rossdale are divorcing, but the real heartbreaker most recently is Reba and her husband of 26 years have split. (via)  
ahhhh! who is next!?  it’s like every day its someone else. 
although, apparently john mayer and katy perry are back together and I’m just like ENOUGH ALREADY you two.  

:: three :: 
I’ve gone full on crazy pants with today marking 30 DAYS until Italy! 
The packing planning is ON, and I can’t help but wonder how people like the fashion bloggers travel to all of these places and have SO MUCH cute stuff and SO MANY outfits.  Like, who is carrying all of your luggage? I follow Julia of Gal Meets Glam on snapchat, and for her vacations that are never-ending, its as if a pair of shoes isn’t even worn twice and every outfit is perfection. yes I realize that is her career, but still, its amazing. 

I realize that “checking a bag” is probably top of the list for how this is accomplished, but we are petty commoners and I’ll be damned if I have to pay for luggage being checked, lose said luggage, and then have to be in charge of lugging said luggage from city to city in Italy.  This is reason # 5,782 why winning the lottery is just necessary in life. 
so basically what I’m saying is that all of our trip pictures will look exactly like the images above. preach. 

:: four :: 
the smoke detector in our hallway is beeping as I write this.
it is like full on phoebe in friends happening over here right now.


i am gonna lose ma mind. 

and my husband is glued to watching The Walking Dead and doesn’t even notice it. 
I don’t know who I married because he has been watching so much television the last week or so.  He blew through Bloodline and now he is hooked on Walking Dead.  I keep telling him that watching TV like that isn’t good for you, he should spend more time outdoors, read a book, etc, but I know it’s hard for him to live up to my active, outdoorsy, well-rounded lifestyle. 



:: five :: 
I know 3% of you watch Big Brother (and you are my favorite 3%)
but Kipper is completely hooked so miracles can happen and if he can love it anyone can. 
James winning HOH and putting Shelli and Clay up was AMAZING and I can’t wait to watch her bitch some more on Wednesdays episode about how she CANT BELIEVE they are nominated.  She is such a cougar hypocrite; its a competition and its your time to be nominated and likely get sent home.  Bye Felicia.   







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friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: friday randoms ::

image
:: friday randoms ::



This week marked 17 years since the (Lilo version of) The Parent Trap was released.
how was that 17 years ago ? 
I can still quote every line from that movie. 
and mean girls. 
really Lindsay, how you did you go from that to where you are now? 



I saw a bunch of clips of Andy Cohen helping Ramona promote her new book “Life on the Ramona Coaster”.
yawn.
the best was when she was giving this huge, rambling speech and says one of the main reasons she wrote it was for “carthotic” reasons. (video) 


 like, orthotic with a c.



the Nordstrom sale is almost over, but theres still tons of goodies to be had! 
for example, this la mer face cream, that is on sale from $1,445 to $1,030!! 
Y’ALL!!!!! CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT BARGAIN?!?! for a whole 8 oz!!!! 



yeah me neither so lets talk about actual sale items 🙂 
ps – just screw it and get a face lift people if thats how much money you have to spend on face cream mmmmkthanksbye. 


some of my favorite purchases include the hunter boot socks and these zella live in leggings that I got in two colors.  
everyone in pure barre dresses like they are straight out of lululemon and while it annoys me I was starting to get embarrassed wearing the same outfit every friday 🙂  like, what, my bright green bachelorette party tank and 5 year old groove pants isn’t acceptable? these are SO comfy and suck you in right at the hips so the extra little muffin area that I totally don’t get in pants and never have stays hidden. 

{zella live in leggings} 

I also love the Kendra Scott pendant necklace I got, which is 50% off during the sale. 

{ kendra scott necklace }  and more color options
also love these earrings and this ring that are part of the sale! 

haters can hate, but I LOVE my ugglies. I have ever since freshman year of college when we would don ours with frayed abercrombie jean skirts and polo shirts (the natural outfit choice for a late summer/early fall day in Ohio).  where is photographic evidence of this amazing outfit when I need it.   
I am obsessed with this quilted sweater version.

{ knit ugg boots } 
living in hellacious frozen tundra, I destroy my uggs and need new ones annually.
and if we’re being real honest, the ugg slippers are the definition of pure heaven.
  

this enchilada lasagna combines two of my favorite things, pasta and mexican, into one casserole dish (my other love : casseroles).

{ chicken enchilada lasagna } 


and to end on a random personal note you won’t care about,
our mattress (kips old mattress) is way too old and we need a new one.
we needed a new one a long time ago. 
but, like, mattresses are expensive.  and you know I’m not practical with large purchases.  I’d rather plan on eating thousands of dollars of pasta and gelato in Italy than think about a mattress. and what if we buy another queen and then later on we are in a place where we could have had a king size mattress?  then what? we’re stuck for years in a mattress where he takes up the whole thing and I’m practically falling off the edge of the bed? 
so now the mattress springs make a HUGE exploding noise every time I climb in bed.
just my side, right where my spot is, not his.

and it is just soooooo hilarious. (for him).  it sounds like I am a sumo wrestler every single time I get in and out of bed and that we are going to collapse on to the floor any minute.

for someone that drinks as much water as I do and has the bladder of a 6 year old, its gotten old real quick.
Ugh I hate spending money on important things you should be spending money on like the bed we sleep on every night! 


annnnyyyyyways
van damme its friday have a great weekend everyone 🙂 

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