TheSarcasticBlonde, Author at The Sarcastic Blonde

:: wishlist wednesday ::

August 19, 2015

:: lusts for the week : home edition ::

{ garment travel bags } *love these for packing! { mother of pearl frame } { a passion for blue + white }

{ bookmarks } these are so cute, I miss bookmarks

I am obsessed with this set of vintage weights. I love, love them.
they would look so cute styled on a bookshelf that I think I have to snag em up!

{ vintage weight set }

{ mason jar beverage dispenser with metal chair stand } *the stand and the dispenser are both equally adorable!

{ours kate spade decanter } { round marble cheese board }

{ rectangular marble cheese board } { wine cooler cups } { cake serving set } *something we never registered for so we need a set!

fashion, Lifestyle

:: swimfan ::

August 18, 2015

don’t mind me, just casually adjusting my fabulous blue + white crochet untied bikini top.

oh wait…. on second thought, that may not be a photo of me…. its like looking in a mirror though I swear…..

I know summer is coming to an end, but I’m soaking in ever hot and sunny day we are still having in Chicago 🙂

I popped into Forever21 over the weekend and came up empty handed except for their great Buy 1 Get 1 Free swim special they have going on right now.

They had so, so many options to choose from. 2 bikini tops for $14? Can’t be beat.

I also like tops I can mix + match with my basic, go-to black bottoms.

I love Gingham, so that was an obvious choice, and then I have been wanting to get one of the flouncey/draped bikini tops and loved the fun print of the other.

my iPhone pics are insanely great 🙂 the bottom bikini looks strange but it is that flowy fabric top

all Forever21 Swim is buy 1 get 1 free in store and online!

they also have one of those checkout lines like HomeGoods or Marshalls that I love/hate because I find things for $5 to just throw in the cart. damn! so I grabbed that little cosmetics pouch for a couple bucks.

I also ordered this TopShop one piece during a moment of online shopping when I don’t know what came over me…. and it was sober shopping so I don’t know who I thought I was.

{ topshop one piece halter }

when it arrived, I thought I’d hate it, but I put it on and LOVED it. It is so, so flattering I was shocked. A white one piece? Flattering?

I ended up sending it back because there is no way I will be able to keep that thing clean. Every time I have white bikini bottoms the first day I wear them they somehow have stains just from sitting in the sand at the beach leaves marks all over the bottom. or I read a magazine and the bottoms are wet and the ink gets transferred onto them.

oh well….. if you are capable of being an adult unlike me then I highly recommend it!

J.Crew is having a big 30% off sale, and with that is lots of cute Cover Ups!

{ tassel tie coverup }

{ chambray tassel tunic }

* I ordered this one to try!

{ embroidered tassel tunic }

{ zig zag tunic }

and two more cute ones from Nordstrom:

{ white button down coverup }

{ black romper coverup }

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend recap ::

August 17, 2015

:: weekend things ::

hope you all had a great weekend!

it was a gorgeous one here in Chicago, and the air and water show is always one of my favorite weekends.

I was able to get a tiny bit of a tan while we watched,

and still somehow made it to my Sunday morning SoulCycle class despite copious moscow mules on Saturday.

for a date night friday, I wore some pieces that are all accompanying me to Italy.

Nordstrom Rack has been a great place for cheap, adorable dresses.

I got this dress for $25! It doesn’t look cheap in person, the cut is so cute along the neckline, and they still have ALL SIZES in stock. I couldn’t recommend it more.

{ strappy embroidered dress } $25, all sizes still available

The shoes I’m wearing are Loeffler Randall. My friends recommended them whole heartedly – they wore them on trips abroad for days and said they were super comfortable and so far I completely agree. I think they’ll be perfect for our trip, the soles have two big added pads of cushioning.

make sure you order up a size! I am always, always an 8 and I had to return mine and order and 8.5
I found two sites where they are marked down to $100 or less.

{ loeffler randall sandals } found for 40% off at 6 pm

and also saks off 5th has them for 60% off !!

shopbop has them in all colors and styles for full price.

always do a google shopping search before you buy anything because especially with shoes I always find big, big discounts!!

:: soulcycle ::

So, Sunday I got up bright and early and went to SoulCycle.

It was definitely intense, and my ladybits and buttocks are hurting in weird places (will never understand how people ride those bikes on a regular basis without, like, a temperpedic pillow hidden in their shorts between their legs)

my lady bits would disagree with Pink wholeheartedly.

HOWEVER, other than that I did REALLY enjoy it.

did I “$30 a class + $3 shoe rental” enjoy it? No.

(but first class is only 20! such a steal!

so totally being sarcastic thats a killing!)

Our instructor was good, I like that the room is dark, and the music is GREAT.

I wish he had been a little kookier/insane/prophetic like I have heard some of them could be.
if he had been spitting out lines like

then I SERIOUSLY think I would probably pay the ridiculous amount and go once or twice a month. So I guess good thing he wasn’t saying things like that or calling me Unicorn because my paychecks would be disappearing faster than my sobriety on a Friday at 5.

and SIDE NOTE.

did you know that the instructor in Odd Mom Out during the fabulous Unicorn scene is LEGITIMATELY a soul cycle instructor? Her name is MB.

see it here : Mind. Blown.

TOO GOOD. I can’t wait until next summer for more of that show 🙁

afterwards we went to brunch and this girl didn’t say a word to her boyfriend/husband the entire meal she was just staring at me in horror.

I wanted to turn to her and be like I KNOW I HAVE SWEAT STILL COMING DOWN MY FACE GET OVER IT LADY I DONT GLOW I SWEAT LIKE A FAT MAN.

OTHER side note : this article about what would grace kelly wear to SoulCycle was cute.

and I want the tory burch fitbit cover (only $35) but that would require me to get a fitbit….. and my little pedometer was only 10 bucks which is way better than the $100+ of a fitbit.

{ tory burch fitbit bracelet }

I am lusting hard core after this red dress and so tempted to get it.

unfortunately it does not fit into my Italy budget and don’t think it’ll happen.

I’ll also take her perfectly wavy locks…..
but something tells me that won’t happen for me either. Damn.

{ red tunic dresss }

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

August 13, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: bachelor in paradise ::

Carly and Kirk are so cute. Two funny, sarcastic, normal people found each other. Hallelujah.

I had forgotten about Kirk – I really likedhim.

wait…. not in this outfit. of course its the only pic I Could find.

Mikey Muscle is mad this week when claire decides to go on a date with Princess-Jasmine’s Aladdin. Of course he’s pissed…. she said she wants to date other people and isn’t in to him at the end of their date, so HOW DARE she say yes to a date with someone else!

like…… what? He really is as dumb as he looks.

michael shows up (sigh, yawn, big yawn) and in case you think he has changed since his season of the bachelorette think again!

he says he is there for Tenley (SHOCKER)

and says

HER NAME IS TENLEY BUT TO ME SHE IS AN ELEVENLY.

Ugh. Yep…. same old super duper duper Michael.

it was painful watching him when he was on Desiree’s season.

almost as painful as it was watching Tenley do her special rhythmic dance she created when she was runner-up on her season of the bachelor. (tell me Im not the only one that remembers this and thinks of it and her baby voice every time you see her).

:: noah cyrus ::

looks like miley’s 15 year old sister is following her path.

FIFTEEN.

seriously!?! who lets their 15 year old dress like this!?!

answer : kris kardashian

:: my fab 40th ::

um I saw a preview for a new show coming out soon, my fab 40th.

like ‘my super sweet 16’ on MTV but this is 40 year old women doing it.

BRAVO TO YOU BRAVO.

GENIUS.

:: RHONY ::

line of the night goes to Sonja.

“Ramona has a lot of these renewals /new me / moving on parties ….

she should try a masquerade ball next.”

I love this gif of her oh so much

PREACH SONJA. PREACH.

there were so many strange things that happened in this episode.

one of them being countess saying to carole that you “don’t introduce (the 25 year olds your sleeping with) to the children” and then saying “thats right you don’t have any children hahahaha”. what????

:: RHOC ::

I meannnnnnn Meghan. Someone get this girl a stylist.

I’m with Tamra (rare occurrence). Was she trying to look like Stevie Nicks ?

And with the dark, smoky eye make up? I mean…… what????

to me she actually looks like a female bret michaels

amiright? HELL YES I AM.

but I digress……..

and Meghan turning around on the golf cart and saying “shannon called you a pot stirrer”.

the faces in this picture are priceless.

um. pot, meet kettle.

yes tamra stirs the pot big time, but you need to simmer down now honey and just LOCK IT UP for the last night of the trip! who cares! she does not know when to let things be and just talk about everyone behind their backs in the diary/confessional things like all the other women.

I mean, what was with that “Storm.” comment.

just “storm”.

since when do we shorten “go ahead and storm out” to “storm”.

and she says it all so deadpanned and barely moving her mouth “storm”. like, are we in the middle of some kind of performance art where they just say one word and the light over their head goes out and then the room turns black and music plays while they change positions and its supposed to evoke sentences full of meaning and emotion? huh?

but seriously, these girls need to take a lesson from sonja.

YEASSSSSS.

but really how many headpieces does this girl own?

:: jack hole of the week :: goes to you meghan king edmonds.

and you shannon for always saying MEGHAN KING EDMONDS. good god just say MEGHAN.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY BRET MICHAELS WANTS HIS HEADPIECE BACK

PS. ROCK OF LOVE WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST SHOWS OF OUR GENERATION.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: tuesday things ::

August 11, 2015

:: random tuesday things ::

:: soulcycle::

I’m attending my first soul cycle class this weekend. (and likely only because unless they lose weight and do the workout FOR me, nothing is worth that kinda $$$$).

I am so nervous I feel like I am going to pee my pants….. or just sweat even more in class and have like…. serious @$$ sweat when I got off my bike in addition to not being able to walk because spinning ruins your lady bits and I’ve never been able to walk right EVER when leaving a spin class. TMI?

I found this gif and other than channeling my inner Unicorn on Odd Mom Out, this will be my motivation whilst riding :

I meannnnnnn I am dying laughing right now.

This is my new workout mantra.

:: sally hansen miracle gel ::

have any of you tried the sally hansen miracle gel polish?

after I read this article I feel like I MUST get my hands on it.

my nails become paper thin after a no-chip, so I barely do them at all anymore.

this sounds like the perfect solution!!

:: the parent trap ::

I watched The Parent Trap on Sunday when it was airing on TV and I knew I loved it but I forgot just how much. I think it was the first time seeing it in its entirety in years and years. SO amazing. Even Kip “watched” it (didn’t make me change the channel and looked at the TV a good bit….. I think he was really feeling it…. it made me judge him less for the “what movie is this” comment he made at the beginning.)

:: rocksbox ::

princess jasmine kim kardashian on Bachelor in Paradise and I have more in common than I thought!

in last nights episode, whilst she was crying her 18th pound of tears, I realized she was wearing the Kendra Scott earrings I had in my last Rocksbox box.

I loved them. They surprisingly could be worn daily with basic outfits, even for a simple gold stud only in daytime person like me.

Kendra Scott Tessa Earrings

nordstrom sells them in so many color options!

my favorite in this months box is these perry street earrings.

as always, you can use code tayloroshayxoxo for your first Rocksbox month free! and it’s only $19 a month after that.

:: dr scholl’s for her insoles ::

I got these this past week and I can’t get over how amazing they are.

I don’t know why I waited this long to try these!

{ dr shcolls for her comfort insoles }

best part : you can get a set of 3 for $10 !

…..and now, lots of food commentary 🙂

:: overnight oats ::

I initially tried this make-ahead breakfast and was not a fan.

I have eaten yogurt with granola for breakfast for years, and I missed my yogurt and missed my granola. the just the oats with the almond milk was so blah.

Then I decided to combine the oats with my yogurt and now I make it at night for the next morning a few times per week.

image

lately I just do the following :

1/2 cup gluten free rolled oats

1/2 cup almond milk

blueberry greek yogurt (I use one of the chobani pre-portioned cups)

mix it all together and it will soften the oats and be ready in the morning.

…. top with any fresh fruit if you have it

It keeps me fuller longer than my yogurt + granola, and its healthier since it’s just the gluten free oats and not all of the other ingredients. I’m trying to be healthy this month because I know in September I’ll happily pack on some pounds in Italy 🙂

:: bear naked granola and kind granola ::

I also switched my granola up.

I was always eating the Trader Joe’s brand but a friend pointed out how much healthier and actually tastier these brands are than the processed granola.

I love, love these and it was an easy switch because they taste better so why not.

bear naked honey almond granola // kind healthy grains blueberry granola

:: simply dressed dressing ::

their balsamic dressing is the best balsamic ever.

kip and I love it, and jewel is always out of stock.

then we discovered their avocado ranch and we are obsessed.

they haven’t had it at the store the last couple visits, so when I went this weekend and they had it, I took 4 bottles. sorry….. I had to. but seriously, its so good that we needed 4 bottles stocked in the fridge. it’s HEAVEN.

:: pioneer woman lasagna ::

kip’s family was down on Sunday and I made Pioneer Woman’s Lasagna.

in my opinion it really is the best lasagna recipe ever.

if you haven’t made it before, it is a MUST.

soooooo now that you know the world’s greatest salad dressing,

BE LIKE A DRUNK GIRL GETTING OUT OF A CAB AND LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND!

Lifestyle

:: girl crush : jill kargman ::

August 10, 2015

so I’m sure all of you watched this season of Odd Mom Out, Bravo’s first ever original comedy series. I loved it from the start – everything about it was hilarious, well written, entertaining, inappropriate – the list goes on and on.

when she was on Watch What Happens Live with my Boyfriend Andy Cohen I fell even more in love with her.

I had knows that the show was loosely based on her life, but when she was on and talking I realized it was more related and less loosely than I had thought. Below is a short summary from an article about her + the show. (and read the article because it gets super funny and talks about her initial pitch to My Boyfriend Andy Cohen; it was a late night talk show that airs in the morning. genius.)

Kargman was raised on Madison Avenue sitting front row at Chanel runway shows with her mom—her dad was president of Chanel USA. She attended the elite Spence and Taft Schools before heading to Yale, and spring breaks were often spent in Paris. But, perhaps owed to her French mother, she was always taught that the flaunting of wealth was gauche.

Her sister-in-law is Drew Barrymore, which comes up in conversation as clarification for who “auntie” is during a story. And, as much as she mocks the moms of the Upper East Side now, she sweated just as hard on the hamster wheel trying to get her kids into the best schools.

But especially after she became a mom, Kargman began feeling “like a square peg in a round hole” among the coven of Botoxed, bleached blonde millionaires wives, who would chastise her for not having read the latest article on the choking hazard of unhalved grapes while en route to $1,000-a-plate luncheons, or wag their fingers at her for bottle-feeding instead of breastfeeding.

I want to read her memoir (more so do it on tape so I can hear her saying it) and laugh my head off.

So, one of you amazing readers sent me a link to an article she just posted on Goop.

Jill Kargman Does Italy

(Apparently her and Gwyneth grew up together and are friends based on what I got from some comments in the article)

This article combines two of my favorite subjects at the moment : HER and ITALY.

she went with her husband of 15 years this summer while her kids were all away at camp, and the article is perfection.

you read it completely in her voice and can hear her saying all of it.

do yourself a favor and read it, because she and everything she writes is wonderful.

I’d always heard Americans say they’re Anglophiles or Francophiles, but I’m…an Italophile. Did I just make that word up? Methinks. But I’m obsessed: The food, the wine, the soul, the O Sole Mio, la dolce vita in general. To celebrate 15 years together and the fact that we were empty-nesters when all three kids went to sleepaway camp, my husband Harry and I decided to rent a car and road trip La Bella Italia top to bottom. If it’s a thigh-high boot, we did loin region all the way up mountains and down hairpin turns to the ankle. (Alas not Sicily, the rock the foot is kicking, but perhaps in another 15 years!) Here are some highlights from a few of the stops. P.S., the car was a white Fiat like Jessica had in Sweet Valley High. Which was thrilling and my tween self would’ve totes shat.

Go do yourself a favor and read the entire article here on Goop.