discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: LAST WEEK’S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NY ::
How many episodes do we need to plug Fredrik and Bethenny’s future real estate show?  WE GET IT.  I did laugh at her freaking out about the word “clutter” to describe the apartment.  She probably didn’t sleep for a week.

It’s the first part of the Berkshires trip, so I am preparing for some serious throw-downs.  Last year was a real doozy.  She has the ladies coming in three separate groups to ease into it: the blondes, the cliquey brunette’s Carole and Bethenny, then Lu.  All by her lonesome.  This way that there is plenty of time to discuss her and Tom before she arrives.  Well, that isn’t Dorinda’s intention, but that is definitely how it goes down.  Poor Dorinda.  She just wants a nice birthday and a nice Christmas.  And to make it nice.

Sonja has completely lost her mind.  Well, she did years and years ago, but the way she really flies off the handle about Tinsely is a whole new kind of crazy.  She is furious that Tinsley asked her assistant to answer the door when the doorbell rings for a package of hats being delivered.  How. Dare. She.  He needs to be working on Sonja’s “businesses!”  Not answering a doorbell and placing a package inside the door!! That takes FAR too long and far too much focus away from the “work” he is doing.  And then he is “responsible” for the hats! And what if something happens to them!

I mean this whole thing goes on and on.  Sonja grilled her when she arrived about lunch with her mom and her mom’s friends (aka Sonja’s friends so how dare her mom know them) and noted that she was getting rather passive aggressive.  Yes, Sonja. Perhaps just a wee bit passive aggressive?!

Also, since when was Dorinda’s line “I did it nice” not “I made it nice”? How did all of us completely change this?! Even the cake had this saying and we all have it all wrong! And this gif has her mouth saying made? But on the show, they definitely re-played the clip and the audio said “did”??

Also, Dorinda calls “texts” text’ses “and I will never understand why people can’t comprehend this word. (She doesn’t say it as horribly as Teresa from RHofNJ who is like “text’ses’ses’sessss” but still.  And Teresa not being able to say it makes since because Teresa does not understand any words in the English language).  My old roommate was incredibly intelligent and she did this and it drove me insane.  But with Dorinda it makes me love her more.  Especially with the little speech impediment she has with her S’s.  I love it.

Carole is hanging out in the city with Adam’s parents talking about how “parents love me” and to be honest it’s just weirding me out.  I don’t mean to be agist, but like, is that something you still say at her age?  With parents his age? “Parents love me”.  I feel like that should be a 23 year chatting with her girlfriends before meeting the boyfriends family for the first time.  But then again I feel like saying “Parents love me” is far more sane than naming 12 pets “Baby” so whatever, go hit on your boyfriends 80 year old parents so that they approve of you.

Bethenny and Carole finally arrive at the Berkshires and I really CANNOT with what happens the moment Bethenny walks inside.  She walks straight up to a bouquet of flowers on the center table and is like “Oh they’re for me!”. (anyone else think it was suspicious that she walked directly up to a bouquet and said that? when its not her house and its not her birthday but dorindas?)  Anyways, they are flowers for her from her boyfriend.  Um. Really? WHO ARE YOU, VICKI??? It was awful and paethetic when VIcki’s boyfriend whats-his-name-wait-who-cares sent her flowers in Ireland and this was just as bad.  Perhaps not as bad…. because Vicki most likely definitely sent them to herself and I definitely don’t think Bethenny did, but still.  Note to boyfriends/husbands : Don’t send flowers to the hostess’ house – especially when it’s the hostess’s birthday – basically saying “hope you don’t have as crappy of a time as last year hang in there”.  It’s RUDE.  And SPELL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS NAME RIGHT AT LEAST BUDDY. Her name is only EVERYWHERE.  (I realize it was the florist…. but for the sake of making fun of it…. we will completely assume it was Dennis!) 

Anyways…..Dennis floral note should have said “Keep your pie hole shut babe.  This whole Tom thing literally has nothing to do with you or Jason.  Why do you care? You don’t even like them? Tom isn’t stalking or fighting for child custody, he is cheating.  And can we stop discussing your divorce super vaguely on the show where you reveal nothing but then keep bringing it up week after week?  That’d be great.  Have fun with the women you hate but that make you rich and Carole. All my love, Dennis.”
Okay, maybe that’s what I would have written, not Dennis.  But seriously.  Bethenny.  Go climb back on that super sweet therapists couch (I loved her therapist on Bethenny Ever After so much) and let him tell you that Tom + Lu literally have nothing to do with your 5 year long divorce battle + now stalker charges with Jason.  NOTHING.

Poor Dorinda has to be the one to confront LuAnn. LuAnn assures her, with no direct eye contact which is the #1 sign of a lie as we all know, that she trust Tom implicitly and couldn’t be more confident in the marriage.  Sigh.

This episode taught me the most important thing I ever needed to know about LuAnn and Tom.  I learned why she is with him.  Why she ignores the cheating, or puts up with it, and why she really loves him in the  first place and is in candy land for life with him.

“He lets her wake up and watch TV in the middle of the night.”  That’s right people. She is allowed to wake up and turn the television on IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Which means she definitely turns it off whenever her heart desires.
I mean.  Y’all.  This is true love.  Where is my Tom in shining armor and where do I find him?  I completely understand all of it now, and no longer thing she is an absolutely insane maniac for running headfirst into a marriage with a disgusting cheater.  I think she is a smarter woman that I am.  What was I thinking in looking for love, commitment, trust, faithfulness, honesty…. etc, etc.  All of that is useless!!! I need a man that let’s me stay up in the wee hours watching the damn TV!

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

Craig finishes all of his law school requirements! He can now take the bar! He celebrates the only real way he knows how: treats with Gizmo the cat and by really showing that bitch of a wireless printer who’s boss and printing out the e-mail confirming the news for the world to see.

When he tells Naomi at dinner she isn’t even that excited; I mean she is, but understandably hesistant as to what it means next.  It still doesn’t mean he has passed the bar or has a job in law.  And honestly for a moment I feel bad for Hashtag Carpenter Craig.  But just a moment.  Because I’m sure she is years from the actual law JOB and successful working adult thing happening.

Taking a note from RHONY, Cameron  goes shopping at Homegoods.  This time it is actually feasible though I suppose, because it definitely was not when Bethenny ran around the store shopping there.

Landon continues to REALLY put her foot in her mouth and speak as though she is the most desired wealthy woman to ever exist in the history of the world.  In relation to her and Thomas “If I were to say a word I would have a ring really quickly and all the horses I could ever want.”  I mean.  Landon.

Her and Thomas go on a “date” and the giggling that comes out of her mouth is even more spastic than ever.  It really makes me think this whole story line isn’t complete BS and that she really is that desperate for a man!

Then this drunk woman just starts talking about them being soul mates and the whole scene is so obnoxious I just can’t stand it.

Kathryn arranges the gang for lunch and she really looks great – natural finally!

I don’t know why she arranged it because shes sits there awkwardly and says nothing, but everyone is being really nice to her saying she’s gone through more than anyone and it’s impossible to date anyone like Thomas.

I spoke too soon.  The next scene with Kathryn, she looks awful for lunch.

Back to the black lipstick, teased hair, heavy contouring, crazy eye shadow and giant fur vest in warm weather.  Goodness!!!
She was invited to her kids birthday party via a card from Thomas, so we have that to look forward to next week!

:: THE BACHELORETTE :: 

The highlight of this week was Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.  Hands down.  And THEN they get Kareem Abdul Jabar? I mean the celebrities for this season are legitimate.  No more D List unknown bands that they have to pretend to be all excited about and know.

Whaboom is of course on the group Ashton Kutcher date so that he can spaz out in all of his glory.  Blake’s jealousy is growing week by week over all of the attention Whaboom keeps getting and he  keeps INSISTING that “he is here for the wrong reasons.”  No kidding Blake. Thanks.  Half of the people left in this dating pool are pure crap, likely you included.  You signed up to be on one of the most produced shows of all time so buckle up and grab a never-ending cocktail or get your ass home!
blake and whaboom appeared on a 2016 WeTV dating show together that I have never even heard of.  the fact that I have never even heard of this really says something.  Also, if this is not proof that both of these gents are losers looking for an instant instagram flat tummy tea gig with some 15 minutes of fame from this show I don’t know what does.

I am really into the little guy Dean that looks like (Eden Sasson’s ex boyfriend) Jesse McCartney.
I mean are they not complete doppleganger twins?

Peter, with the matching Gap Tooth, gets the first one on one.  It’s actually a really fun date.  Her dog has a broken leg which is just adorable, and then they talk about their gapped teeth which is also just adorable.  They have great chemistry.  He’s definitely a top 3.  (I never read spoilers so please do not share any with me.  ‘Preciate it. There’s no way I could watch 2+ hours of this nonsense every week if I already knew how it ended).

Next up is the second group date with Kareen Abdul Jabar.   I mean.  Seriously.  For the Bachelor, having TWO actual celebrity appearance in one episode? This might as well be George Clooney and freaking Brad Pitt showing up.  Well done ABC.  Plus I thought he was funny with thinking everyone was awful and not the least bit impressive.

DeMario’s girlfriend shows up to tell Rachel that he is here “for the wrong reasons” and a total shade-ball.  Which is clear.  He sees her says “Ohhhh!” in straight recognition and then “Who is this?”
But the bad thing for this girlfriend is she just really comes off looking delusional (and a wee bit easy or just super naive by dating him and giving him a key to her place and never meeting a single person he knows) in the whole process.  Rachel basically has to be like SIMMER DOWN I get it my I’m not going to keep dating him but can you LOCK IT UP for five seconds so I can yell at him myself and be done with it?!

Of course after kicking him off the producers are like “Don’t worry bud.  You still get another night or two for free at the Holiday Inn down the street because we want you to “surprise” Rachel at the Rose Ceremony.  We’ll throw in a free continental breakfast.  Sound like a deal?”  He shows up at the house and we get a To Be Continued.  Whatever producer suggested a few seasons ago that no week will end with an actual rose ceremony but rather a To Be Continued is on the top of my “People Who Ruin My Nightly Television Binge Fest” list.  (In all fairness….. my husband falls on that list too.  As I said, I need a Tom in my life like LuAnn who allows me to turn the TV on at 2 am if I please.)

:: WORLD OF DANCE ::

The hottest people in the world have come together to all be a part of one TV show, so you bet your bottom I am watching this.  I would watch for J. Lo alone, but then you throw in the rest and I am SO SOLD.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK : TIGER WOODS ::
Seriously Tiger? DUI at 3 AM?
Take an Uber bud.  You already fulfilled your lifetime quota of public embarrassment years ago.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
This box of gummy bear treats was featured on last week’s Keeping up with Kardashians.

DINGLE BEARIES.

Special thanks to my BFF Megan for sending this to me.
Because it is Pure. Gold.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

discuss amongst ya-selves……..

:: Last Week’s RH of NY:: 

Ramona continues, much like last week and the week before, to kick it up 17 notches on the ludicrous scale – even for her.  She and her two girlfriends are at the bar of a restaurant waiting for men to hit on them/hitting on men by making eye contact with them.

I mean, honestly.  Whatever hormone replacement or menopausal drug she is on, they need to re-evaluate her dosage.  Soon she is going to be like the dog that never stops attacking the stuffed animal and it is very uncomfortable to watch.

We finally meet Bethenny’s boyfriend and I feel like he has the kindest eyes and smile. Am I crazy or does he not just look like the sweetest guy ever? This worries me…. she’s a pitbull and we know it…. she is hilarious and the queen of sarcasm and quick wit which I love, but girl knows how to cut you.

Anyway, we’re back to episodes being all about Tom much like last lesson.

Apparently Ramona’s friend Missy was dating Tom right before LuAnn started dating Tom.  They keep editing Missy saying “she walked in on them {having dinner together}” to be “I walked in on them together” and it really is SUCH A TEASE.

And apparently Ramona is going to pretend she is just finding this out during this filmed scene.   The other friend of Ramona’s “admires LuAnn” for her ability to stay with a man through all the rumors, which is her way of saying shes bat-sheyite crazy, but at least she’s being nicer than Ramona about all of it.

I don’t know why all of this wedding planning it surprising me, considering how LuAnn acted during all of the “we got the yacht scenes” and every moment about her engagement, but the extent of her wedding to Tom being a “real wedding”  is kind of hilarious.  I’m not saying she shouldn’t have a wedding and a white dress and all of that.  But your grown daughter being a FLOWER GIRL? Excuse me??? LuAnn… I think we have crossed the line.

I was VERY excited when I saw that they were going to Beautique for dinner, to haze/initiate Tinz into the Old Horny Lady On The Town Society.
Ramona walking to the upstairs club and shouting “hey boys smells good!” to the chefs while slowly running her lips all over her mouth was one of the most horrific things I’ve seen this week.

I was ready for Tinsley to be mortified by their behavior, like what Ramona had just done for example, but in a shocking turn of events, Tinsley is shoving her tongue down a 23 year olds throat! I mean, he was super cute I give her that, but come on! I did really love watching Sonja try to break into the scene.  You know Sonja is thinking “listen up! first you live with me and take my friends – but dammit you are not taking the early twenty-somethings! that is MY thing!”

This make out scene is like a horror film. I am covering my face with my hands and peering through my fingers hoping she stops trying to peck at him/eat him like a bird, yet she does not.

In fact, later this episode she will go out on a Bowling Date (i.e. a “look I’m young and fun and still flexible and can be cool like you young kids, because young kids still like to cosmic bowl right?” kind of date) and not only do the same make-out scene far less intoxicated but LITERALLY try to be a bird eating the food out of his mouth.  Even 23 year old Chad doesn’t want to swap germs like that. Kids have changed, Tinz. This is SO painful to watch.
editors note : what jeans is she wearing that she keeps being able to bend over that far and not have her undies or butt show? because I am very impressed and would like a pair please and thank you.

Dorinda has a charity event to raise money and gets a bunch of silent auction items that she is AH-mazed by, like a signed copy of Carole’s book and drinks with LuAnn.  I MEAN, WOW.  I feel like someone just said *NSYNC Reunion! Somehow, the other two people on this charity board are silently flipping out that they are going to make no money at all and think that these auction items suck.  They don’t realize yet that Dorinda has plans to cut off the bar until people start bidding, so they have no reason to be concerned.  Dorinda will strike the fear of God into the room with a microphone in her hand and the threat of no more alcohol.  The charity wins, we as viewers win.  It’s great.

LuAnn’s friend Barbara doesn’t realize when there is a camera crew and people mic’d up that she could possibly be recorded!  I can see how that’s confusing??? No.
Because she starts talking to Carole about how Tom is still at The Regency cheating and LuAnn knows it and she would just rather get divorced than call it all off.
This was obviously filmed months ago, but in real time, when she realized this was recorded and about to go to air she tried to file a law suit to keep it from airing! Ha!
I bet LuAnn is peeeesed.

editors note : I just found this article “12 Things I Don’t Want to See on RHofNY Season 9” when looking for images in Google, and it is worth a read because literally everything they wrote before the season started that they did NOT want to see is exactly what the season has been.  It’s cracking me up.

:: The Bachelorette :: 

Oh my goodness.  I know they just show a lot of the trainwrecks first episode to get everyone enthralled, but for some reason this just alarmed me and was far less entertaining than most First Night’s.  I hope they got some gem’s hiding between all these Whaboom’s, because Rachel deserves better than this!

In addition to Whaboom, we have a “pro” wrestler, a guy with 600 pairs of sneakers, a drummer, a guy that keeps talking about penises/his penis and sex, and of course a few sob stories and some “damaged” men thrown in there too.

Thank goodness she had her “squad” of former castmates like Dolphin, Corinne, Raven ,and the other girls we don’t remember but who clearly are going to be cast for Bachelor in Paradise.  I just keep thinking “you are way too intelligent and sweet for all of these girls to be your squad Rachel, so this better just be 100% produced and you aren’t friends in real life.”

I did LOVE the one contestant saying “did you do a drug test on everyone?” because of some of these crazies…. took the words right out of my mind.

I don’t know how she managed to laugh so genuinely at everyone and everything that happened.  She has some killer conversational skills for making her way through all of those those speed dates (perhaps why her and Nick NEVER would have worked out because I think he said all of 4 words last season and a complete lack of personality.)

This was one of my least favorite season openers, but it was probably because I was very distracted and lost interest early on.  I’ll be better next week! And men making asses of themselves isn’t as entertaining as the women on the first night for me.  Also, I couldn’t care less who jackasses like Nick end up with so the antics are entertaining but with Bachelorettes I’m like COME ON!  I know we need the “Bachelor in Paradise” rejects but please give us some actual contenders!   I am confident once we delve more into these winning personalities it will get better and we can all breathe a sigh of relief that perhaps they put 5 or 10 great guys in this group for Rachel.
But as we all know, and as UNReal as taught us….. Mike Fleiss and all of the producers on this show are jackasses…. so keep your fingers crossed.

:: SECOND WIVES CLUB :: 
I’ve been meaning to write about this show!
Are any of you watching?
I want to be as calm and speak as slowly as Shiva….. annnnnd maybe have her face and body and be as rich as her.  Minus the much older fiance who has been married three times of course. But really, how does she speak so slowly and calmly?

And this girl is my favorite.  She reminds me of Dana (“$25,000 sunglasses, can you believe it?”) from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but in a great way not in an embezzling millions and going to jail way.

and everything with Lorenzo Lamas’ wife just cracks me up. How on earth could Lorenza Lamas be in the same grouping as these millionaires? 

:: Southern Charm :: 

Oh goodie! We start with another car scene with Kathryn! Whose “neighborhood” is she conveniently in this week?
She then calls WHITNEY? WHAT? Oh, please. These meetings are making you do some crazy things.

Hashtag Carpenter Craig and Naomi are heading to Couples Therapy.
Is Craig driving his own Porsche or Naomi’s?
editors note: a reader told me that Craig’s phone last week same “Nome” and I am just going to assume it is not a nickname, and rather that he thought that was how you spelled her name when they first met because it’s just too good.

The counselor asks what they want to get out of therapy and after Naomi responds with a “better communication/better relationship” kind of answer. Craig, on the other hand, doesn’t even answer the question and instead just starts complaining about Naomi undercutting him and her doing this and that.  Um.  Not the answer to the question.
Another favorite couples therapy fight is Craig saying he has never “name called”. Never. Not once.  Cue the clip of him calling Naomi a spoiled child, etc etc.  When she reminds him of this he says “well, ugh, you started it!” and then rambles more and points fingers at Naomi.
Deep Sigh.  This poor girl .

We head over to Roadhouse for Shots + Beers with Austen and Landon.
Landon is saying she wants a Shep-type; a guy that drinks a beer and a backwards hat at Roadhouse, which is exactly what Austen is doing. Landon giggles her insane laugh when this is pointed out and Shep enters the bar on cue.
But it quickly goes back to Chelsea.  Poor Landon. Shep and Austen are fighting over Chelsea with Landon sitting in the middle of it just looking back and forth between them.

I feel like Shep wouldn’t give Chelsea a second thought if she didn’t have anything going on with Austen.
Typical Man!  They are like dogs; they don’t even think about a spot but if another dog goes and pees on it they have to run over and sniff and pee on it too.
I just will never get it.
Although…. maybe it’s like when someone orders chips and guacamole at a Mexican restaurant.  You may not even be hungry or want the chips and guac, but when it’s in front of you and you see someone else eating that chips and guacamole, there’s no way in hell you don’t want that guacamole. Suddenly it’s like the best looking guacamole ever and you just have to have it.
So….. you know – guacamole for girls and sex for men? What am I even talking about?

Thomas meets with his Dad (you know, THE Bridge Guy) and tells a very sad story about his childhood and upbringing that actually made me really feel all the feels for Thomas.  I didn’t know I was capable of feeling these feelings of empathy and sadness and understanding for T-Rav??!!
But more importantly….. why are you blowing up photos of things that are wrong with your dad’s properties onto gigantic poster boards? Can’t you just take a picture with your iPhone and show it to him?  Or is this just how you spend frivolously without abandon when you’re rich?

And then…. oh goodness.  So horrible and too serious for Coffee Talk….
Then  Austen tells the story about his older sister passing away when he was 7 and she was 10 and I welled up sitting on my sofa.  I can’t even imagine and it was such a raw and real moment in the middle of this ridiculously stupid show that I had to pause and take a break!  So, so horrible.

Luckily Patricia and her friend were there to lighten the mood after the commercial break with their Doggie Caftans and tell us the story of how their genius creations came to fruition.  And then they have a sari party? But only the girls? And Whitney’s girlfriend clearly didn’t get the memo and she is dressed for a Gatsby party like Whitney (where does he find these girls, seriously?)

And then the dinner party hits the fan with “four letter words” over a debate about Thomas + Kathryn and moving forward.  I’d like to say it was dramatic, but it was actually quite tame compared to most Bravo Dinner Parties.
editors note : they really need to bring back that show with Rocco Dispirito and all the celebs called Rocco’s Dinner Party. I really loved that.

Then its a To Be Continued because the Four Letter Words upset Patricia’s friend.

OH! And somewhere in there Kathryn goes to get her hair done at Chelsea’s salon for her modeling pictures and I REALLY JUST CANNOT.
I wish Chelsea had been like “A new look? Great! How about not doing Pigtails with Pippi Longstocking Braids and a Giant Bouffant on the top of your head combined with a black tattoo choker and heavy makeup with unblended 75 colors of countouring? But for the hair we can just take it down if you don’t like it and try again!”
This show is just pure joy for me (with a serious dose of some real life sadness this week).

Can’t wait to see whose neighborhood Kathryn drives through next week and calls to “sporadically” show up at their front door!

:: Stassi and Patrick ::

Are back together! They really are the quintessential on again off again.  I wonder how long this will last…..

:: Million Dollar Listing New York ::

MDLNY starts tonight. I always enjoy this show, if for nothing else than the real estate, but the promo commercials( of them in the elevator dressed as gladiators or something?) have been just awful.  After all my applause applause applause for Bravo’s new style, this was an utter fail.
But tune in tonight, and then try to stick around for Cyrus versus Cyrus for Miley’s family’s design show.  I don’t think I’ll be able to watch it because I think I will just be picturing Miley’s voice and mouth the whole time.  But good luck to all of you!

:: Secret Deodorant :: 
A commercial that does not suck.

I laughed really hard at this during the Bachelorette Premiere.
The way she says Jamaica alone kills me.
What can I say, it doesn’t take much to entertain me. 

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
I don’t know if “mazel” is really the right word, because anything with Alan Thicke passing away is not a mazel, but I guess a Mazel to Tyler Henry.  I saw clips this week of when they did his reading that they hadn’t aired previously.  He kept bringing up his heart to him and warning him that he needed to get things checked out and that he was concerned…..
if that doesn’t prove he isn’t full of it or faking it I don’t know what does.

and Mom I know I know…… I’m still working on getting you a reading with Tyler Henry.
My celeb status needs to climb just a tiny bit higher before I can be added to the main waiting list….. but I should be at Kardashian level in no time and heading straight to the top of his list. 

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
Katy Perry.
If you want the feud with Taylor Swift to end, then STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

YOU are the reason it is still ongoing in everyones minds because you won’t let it die!
She went on Carpool Kareoke and could have used that as an opportunity to really squash it when asked about it, but instead she just added fuel to the fire.
And then she had the audacity to say all this stuff about “women being together and supporting each other”.  After all the shade she just threw and the finger pointing at Taylor?  Hypocritical much?

ALSO.  You sound like Hashtag Carpenter Craig with the “she started it”.
No one of your age should be using that as a comeback or excuse. Mmkthanks.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.