:: coffee talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves……

:: bachelor in paradise ::

I’m already loving it and think it’s great. Nothings even happened yet, except princess-jasmine-belly-button-ring-kim-kardashian crying her eyes out every 5 seconds.

but I’m not clawing my eyes out watching Nick, so I’m a happy girl.

ummmmmm YALL…… i found something I won’t watch.

they are doing a live after show for bachelor in paradise and I said NO.

I mean…. this has GOT to be step one in a 12 step program for tv addicts.

theres hope for me yet…… slim….. but theres a chance.

:: ~~crazy kim~~ clepto kim ::

kim richards upper her game and got caught trying to steal $600 worth of stuff from target. I mean we all WANT EVERYTHING from Target but Kim, come on.

now, I’ve never shoplifted, and never intend to, but someone please explain this to me: how would one attempt to steal SIX HUNDRED dollars worth of stuff from Target? I mean, was she like pushing a shopping cart out the door? did she have a giant bag and sweater and was putting things all over her body and in her purse? I need more details about how crazy Kim possible thought she was going to do this.

yes, I realize its highly likely she was under the influence, and someone that would shoplift clearly isn’t thinking straight to begin with, but I want some more details people so I can place myself in the mind of crazy pants Kim Richards!

:: kelly osborne ::

ooooo girl. you have gotten yourself into a whole mess of trouble. and you deserve it.

Osbourne came under fire when she attempted to criticise Donald Trump’s controversial proposed immigration policies by asking:“If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilet, Donald Trump?”

Realising her gaffe, she then attempted to defend it, telling her fellow panelists on The View: “In the sense that…you know what I mean? But I’m saying that in LA, they always… No, I didn’t mean it like that! Come on! I would never mean it like that! I’m not part of this argument.”

this must have been the BEST news story for giuliana rancic to EVER report on E! News, and I watched it to see what she said, and she couldnt have been smiling more when Jason Kennedy told it and then she “took the high road” through the biggest smile ever. she retires from the show in a week, by her own choice she says with Duke starting school – but I feel like maybe if the Fashion Police/Weed Comment/Kelly Osborne thing hadn’t happened she wouldn’t be retiring.

sooooo perfect timing for her to get report on that one, because there is no argument to defend what kelly said. and karmas a beyotch kelly.

and kelly apology was as classy as she is, ending with “by the way I clean my own f***** toilets”

I CANNOT STAND HER. or her own words I f’ing can’t f’ing stand f’ing her. its truly the most used word in her vocabulary. BYE FELICIA.

:: baby news ::

in the least shocking news of all time

coco and ice t are naming their baby chanel

get it? coco is having a chanel.

good god. next……

oh wait. side note. they have a TV show? that is where they keep announcing these things. I would love to know what their daily program discusses.

ok now : good god. next…..

:: RHOOC ::

i just hope when I’m that age I’m rich enough to go on trips to moorea with my girlfriends and drink and swim outside of our hut over the water.

stay classy tamra.

ugh megan. don’t sit and sob about how you aren’t a real mother to your stepchildren of 4 months. it’s sweet that she care so much, but she takes this “imnotaregularmomimacoolstepmom” thing way too far. and ugh vicki, don’t yell at the imnotaregularmomimacoolstepmom crying about her stepchildren.

and ugh shannon. even in moorea you’re bitching at david over the phone.

atleast 15 times during the episode I thought “if I paid a fortune to travel to moorea for a honeymoon/trip with my husband and I had to listen to vicki screaming from her bungalow and at dinner and EVERYWHERE I would have been sooo pissed.”

also, most obnoxious part of the episode : them being so annoyed the waiter in tahiti doesn’t know what a fireball shot is and brings them something else.

ugh. I just can’t.

oh no I forgot. most obnoxious is lizzy not taking a pregnancy test until at moorea.

:: RHONY ::

sonja with the models: the second she walks in “her waist. that won’t work for us.”

this meeting is as much of a train wreck as the previous ones we saw, but this time with innocent young models as collateral damage.

heather asks normal questions, such as ‘where do you see brand sitting in department stores’ and ‘who (what designers) do you want to hang out with’.

sonja’s people say ” you can’t compete with us ”

uh, okay. good answer.

the people that work for sonja kill me. in this episode and especially in the prior ones when they have “meetings” and are asked questions about the line, the way they respond is like kristin wing’s character Penelope on SNL who’s response to everything is just “yeah well I’m the best and soooo”

every question about sonja morgan new york (full label name to be said dramatically) is basically “well but we’re sonja morgan new york, so, you know, anything we want happens instantly because were the most amazing, and so yeah, no one has factories to produce things as fast as we do, and yeah, other companies have set retailers but everyone wants sonja morgan new york so we don’t even have to do contracts, so, we just walk in the door and we win, so, yeah”

this analogy makes no sense…… but it makes sense to me so whatever.

:: jackhole/mazel of the week ::

my television.

well…. kips television that became our television awhile back.

it started about 2 years ago….. the TV started taking a long time to turn on. it would first take about….. 20 seconds. then as time went on, the time to turn on increased. but this was a HUGE ass flat screen TV that we had in our bedroom (believe it or not, my old TV for the bedroom was very tiny so I was happy for a big one – I’d make a size joke here and follow it up with a ‘thats what she said’ but I’ll resist)

I was so excited to have a giant TV in the room I didn’t care how long it took and didn’t want to spend money on a new one. I learned to just turn the TV on awhile before I would be watching it (reader thought : when are you not watching it?)

soooo you know how pathetic I am…. cut to our new house and the TV is in the guest room so I don’t use it as much (cough: except when I sit in there and drink wine and get dressed for the night and watch copious amounts of TV)

it was to the point where it took over five minute to turn on. FIVE. and made this loud ticking sound the whole time.

so….. sadly….. the day came this week where she just won’t turn on.

RIP Kip’s old TV. I suppose this is another lesson, like his nasty old mattress we still sleep on where the spring will soon be piercing my back, to BE A GROWN UP AND BUY NEW THINGS.

if you missed the THRILLING story about our mattress, see this post 🙂

ps Im totally getting that mattress you all recommended!

there are no mattress gifs so this is the next best 🙂

but side note : i’m proud that I can now say I watched so much television I killed a TV 🙂

:: jackhole of the week ::

ME. for just writing all of that about A TELEVISION and for writing a whole thing about OUR MATTRESS.

I find new lows on a monthly basis with this blog……..

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.