:: Southern Charm : Last Week ::

Naomi’s parents are opening a new restaurant (and it looks RULL cute. love the indoor/outdoor vibes).  Listening to Naomi speak French I’m just besotted with her.  It makes her even more gorgeous and makes me feel for the millionth time that sheis just THAT much better than Craig.  Naomi tells her dad she was a raging lunatic bitch to a new girl, and her dad kindly tells her to apologize. Meanwhile, Craig is telling Austen that Naomi is INCAPABLE of apologing as she calls Austen to ask for Payton’s number to apologize. Ha.  But internally I’m screaming NOOOOO don’t get her number and invite her to come that’s just what the-resting-bitch-face-former dog-Vanderpump-dog-washer-fame-whore she wants!!!!

Patricia and her dog caftans are one thing ( I meannnnnnnnnnnnn)

but now Patricia wants to have Craig to take his pillow skills to the next level by designing a special dog or cat pillow for her collection.
Again I say….. I meannnnnnn!?!?!?!??!
He sits there cross legged saying that any upcoming designer or artist – youre an artist? a designer? – would love this opportunity.  Then he debates for an hour if it should be “like a partying dog? like, not alcohol, but you know, like a fun dog? or like a palm beach vibe dog? or like BOTH a dog AND a cat?”  So many difficult decisions for Craig to make and this clearly is a life altering decision; how will he ever choose!?

Kathryn goes in to interview at Gwynn’s department store and YIKES.  I mean.  Whatever you envision as bombing an interview is 10 times more graceful than whatever happens in this office with this owner and adorable brunette girl.  For someone so loud mouthed and opinionated (cut to her screaming THOMASSSS running down a boardwalk) she becomes so meek and mild.  She cannot even form words!!! And these questions are VERY simple.
My favorite is “how do you handle stress?”  Again…. cut to her chasing Thomas down a boardwalk screaming or annihilating Landon outside a formal party.

She can’t answer anything and stands up and WALKS OUT mid-interview and says SHE “NEEDS A MOMENT TO THINK” and goes to look for water.  I mean.  Girlfriend.  I feel for you but you CANNOT stand up and walk into the hallway mid interview to “think”.

The sweet brunette girl makes it seem like “yeah, we’ll keep the conversation going!”.  The only way you’re getting a call is for publicity for the store from the show being filmed, but at least you tried!

Shep heads in to Chelsea’s salon and SERIOUSLY HOW MANY HAIR CUTS DO THESE BOYS GET.  I say it EVERY WEEK.  This is NOT possible.
update : we get a comment later this episode of “chelsea cut my hair today” with a response of’ “I dont think she touched it” and
BAM.  I get my answer.  its just a spray down with water and some air snipping.

Over at T-Rav’s, Ashley asks Thomas about the trick or treating with Kathryn and the kids.  Kathryn was mature enough to say it was too soon for the three to be together doing it (correct and well played Kathryn).  Ashley says she doesn’t want her to think she’s trying to take anything of hers (yes you are and go for it he’s all yours). Thomas follows that up with his usual sheyite eating grin ans says “just the father of her children” WHICH at first I thought he said the father AND the children and had to do a swift rewind because I wouldn’t put it past that scumbag.  wonder what the latest updates are involving his sexual harassment charges…. hope he gets nailed! 

It’s time for the party at Naomi’s parents restaurant. Thomas’ disgusting behavior continues as he walks up licking his chops when he sees Kathryn in her leather pants. (She does look great, as does Naomi in her black leather legging and white top, but I digress……)
Thomas stands there staring her UP and DOWN. and UP and DOWN. and UP. and then DOWN.  He is SUCH A PIG.

And it doesn’t end there.   Right after his disgusting undressing with his eyes he explains his handkerchief and how “the french” (which, I know he speaks fluent french, but he sounds like white girl wasted when he pronounces everything) use big handkerchiefs to “clean up” after being a man whore with their mistresses.  WHAT.  And you imagine Thomas’ facial expression and disgusting tone of voice and he says all of this in response to “nice handkerchief”.  You CANNOT MAKE this stuff up.

Naomi sees Payton arrives and takes a gulp of liquid courage to go apologize.  She gives a very kind and sincere apology and Payton graciously accepts but I still want Payton off the screen. Girl, bye. 

The oysters come out and of course it takes all of 10 seconds for Thomas to be commenting on aphrodisiacs.  And seriously GET A ROOM Ashley and Thomas, NO ONE sits like that at a dinner table. No one.  They’re basically dry humping.  It’s horrifying.

Shep continues to talk smack about Austen acting as though he is the new “degenerate” of the group and I’m with Chelsea, I wish Austen would really tell him to shove it but he’s too nice.

:: Payton :: 
looks like they’re all friendly…… sigh.

but it looks like her closest BFF on the show is TrAshley

:: Naomi :: 

Naomi is also dating an anesthesiologist,
which is a tough call as to say if that’s a step up from Seamstress Craig?

:: Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part II ::

We left off with Scheana storming off stage to, of course, get her make up touched up.  What else? As we learn that “she’s just fixing her lashes” Jax is still screaming “you cant even keep a boyfriend.”

When she finally graces us with her presence onstage, my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen asks if she’s alright and I nearly spit out my drink as she says “no, but I’m a professional .”  Oh Scheana.  You slay me.

My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen asks what kind of gifts “My Man” Rand likes to give Lala and she says shoes, purses, and cars while Scheana mumbles “materialistic things” under her breath and stares at her 6 inch fake nails.
SCHEANA. Girl.  People in glass houses – that comment all season long about their boyfriends lake house and mansion in LA and take more selfies than anyone in the entire world and I’ll stop there but could keep going – shouldn’t throw stones.  Nice try.  Tiny Tom was correct when he said you are as fake as a Kardashian so a teeeeeeny bit of self-awareness might be something you should work on.  Actually…. getting your face to move a teeeeeeny bit more should take precedence so maybe work on that first.

Lala calls out James’ roommate situation, which is kinda different than “my man” paying the rent, but I am so glad she uses it as an opportunity to call him out because we learn more about James’ living situation.  He lives with an older man “Paul” and lives in the living room.  Like, no room.  And this Paul situation seems oddly sexually charged or something?!  Also, you literally can’t pay rent for a room somewhere?! This is SO strange.

Salty Scheana keeps mumbling her side comments.   She’s commenting on Katie riding on the PJ with Lala  and she is SO JEALOUS.  She is SO pissed.  So sad that they didn’t take you and your suitcases to Vegas and you had to DRIVE OUT there.

Sheana thinks the only reason Katie was being nice to Lala this season was because she got crap on social media for being such a bitch so she put on a nice front. Katie CORRECTLY calls her out by saying “that’s what you would do”.  Yes, yes again.  Scheana will do anything for social media love.

I will never understand Shwartz and Katie’s relationship.  They are MARRIED and saying things like “I just choose focus on the positive, he made out with someone, whatever, he doesn’t remember it….. ya know, like, do these things really matter? I choose to be happy.”

Billie Lee joins the cast to discuss choosing the perfect va-hina and sorry, but that dress color is simply horrible.

Katie and Schwartz share their emotional moment with her fall and everyone gets teary eyed…. well, every one is teary eyed but Scheana is either falling asleep in her chair or having a stroke or trying to cry…. I can’t quite figure out what is going on or how to read these facial expressions because the girl is so injected it’s insane.

And in the LEAST surprising move ever, Jax thought that #MeToo was like an enthusiastic cheer for women.
Shocker.  And THIS is the guy that was going to be in charge of social media?! Riiiiiiiiiiight.

:: Lala in Cannes :: 
Lala is with “MY MAN” in Cannes, hanging with 50 cent and on the red carpet with The Travoltas

(here’s hoping “MY MAN” is not a Scientologist?!)
and no, I’m not going to say HER MAN because it needs to be read in Lala’s voice of MY MAN. Just to clarify…..

I am very intrigued by this movie that involved 50 cent, John Travolta, directed by E from Entourage?! All this and MY MAN and Lala!? I need to see Gotti……..

:: RHOBH : Unseen Footage ::

I enjoyed this useless hour of unseen footage 10x more than all three parts of the reunion and more than half the season. 

:: Below Deck Med ::

I love Below Deck, but I am mostly loving that I don’t have to watch Part Four of a RHOBH Reunion.  (I still can’t get over how bad this season was….. I cannot believe it.  They’ve sunk to OC levels.)
I have the new episode on my DVR, but I’ve gotta say I can’t believe they brought back lunatic Chef Adam.  He was downright psycho last season with everything from his food to his obsession with Malia.

:: RHONY :: 
Just watched so here are some bullet points :
– Bethenny can be the biggest B of them all, but she is truly an angel from heaven with everything she has done for Puerto Rico.  It’s incredible.  Bless the B.
– The first words out of Carole’s mouth this week already have me giving a huge eyeroll. I wish she wasn’t friends with my-boyfriend-andy-cohen because there’s no way she would have lasted on this show.  story line : buying 7 cats and a puppy.  story line : running the marathon.  YAWN.
– Carole goes to meet with an editor at Cosmo and as I’m thinking “I feel like Carole hasn’t worked in years?!” Bethenny says just that.  Carole and Tinz have a bunch in common because they don’t have real jobs, aren’t married, and don’t have kids.  YES B. YES.  I cannot wait to see Carole go insane defending that one.   Carole brings up her ABC news days as much as Sonja brings up her past life and SOMEONE needs to call her on it.

– Why does Carole keep wearing these fingerless leather driving gloves?
– I’m still not over that egg ordering scene from last week……. and never will be.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
Everyone in Meghan Markle’s family.

Her father and half sister are truly unbelievable.
I loved hearing Piers Morgan annihilate her half sister.  She is scum.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::

I have been watching ALL of the specials for Meghan and Harry and I am SO excited to see everything this weekend! Set your DVR’s because it all looks like it’s gearing up at 5 AM on Saturday (and I will likely NOT wake up that early, and instead just wake up, ignore the internet, and start watching the recording!)
Are you all excited for the Royal Wedding!?!

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews