DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

editors note: Feel free to just skip over all of this Bachelor/Winter Games/World After Final Rose/Women Tell All nonsense if you are as mentally drained from hours on end of it each week as I am.  I can’t take it anymore.

:: Winter Games ::
The competition part of all of this was so pointless (I’m looking at you Chris Harrison with the awful commentary), but I suppose it was nice to see the Bachelor rejects not be wasted and dry humpting one another all day like they do in paradise. Lies….. I’d rather watch that. 
I did enjoy the introduction of the contestants from other countries because it was nice to have some fresh faces.(except Yuki…. I’m sorry…. that voice….I can’t)

One of the most interesting things was realizing that all of the US contestants make out with everyone and are ready for sleepovers at the drop of a hat, but the foreigners maintain some class and don’t even participate in the fantasy suite! Slow clap for everyone except Americans….. why is this not surprising at all?!
The entire first two hours was people crying that they aren’t in love after 72 hours and going home, and then Ashlee crying that she finally won something.  YAWN.
We make it to the After the Final Rose or whatever World thing they are calling this….. finally.
Courtney and the Aussie are still together and traveled the country together after the show ended?! That’s more serious of a relationship than getting engaged at the end of a Bachelor season!!! Talk about a commitment. Again, foreigners showing us up…..
Dean and Lesley are still together, which actually shocks me because of how much of a whore-bag player Deanie was on Paradise.
Also shocked that Ashley I and Canadian Kev have stayed together, but there relationships seems a little more “whatever” than everyone else.
The highlight of hour 3 of this bunch of crap that I berate myself over watching every week is that LUKE IS AN ASS.
I totally didn’t see this coming!
Stassi, the over botox’ed and plumped Swede who really does seem like such a nice person, reveals that he just ghosted her the second the show ended. WHAT!?

Luke who wants more attention than anyone, and didn’t become the Bachelor because he wanted his music to be part of his storyline?  He’s an idiot. How does he think this would play out well for him!?
At least Stassi perfectly shames him and he just doesn’t even have a word to say.

Please for the love of Gawd don’t let ABC bring him back for anything else and let’s all just avoid him on social media entirely.  Agreed?
and THENNNN the surprise of the season is Clare.  a reader informed me Clare with no I is the proper spelling….. so I stand corrected…. but almost every other Bachelor spelling is just ridiculous, so I’m going to continue to make fun of the names until you prove an Irish heritage……..
After Clare went home without love, for the 97th time on one of these shows, she and Ben-Wah rekindled their love over text messages.  Because, duh, doesn’t everyone fall in love via text? Falling in love face to face for a few hours over a span of 4 weeks is so 2005.  It’s all about zero face time now.
I can’t even make a millennial comment because Clare is one of the oldest contestants to ever be on all of these shows.  Anyways, this Clare and Ben-Wah romance is just SO CLARE.

My true shock is that she is giving all this up. We’ve had Clare for so long – since that scandalous ocean moment with Juan Pablo.

Damn.  Gonna miss ya Clare.
But you are totally welcomed back by Chris Harrison when this Ben-Wah thing goes in the pooper.

if you understand this reference, I love you.

:: BACHELOR : WOMEN TELL ALL ::

I feel like nothing happened in two hours?  Am I just hallucinating from catching up on 3 hours of The Winter Games before starting this? A Sunday night airing – you’re killing me ABC!
But really….. like, did Tia even talk to him?!

The most riled up the ladies get all night is a “glam-shaming” debate (which makes me fear even more for all of us that this is something people are fighting over.
Krazy Krystal is back and proves to be that much of an attention whoring crazy pants.  At least Arie shut her down when she tried to talk to him (after she INVITED HERSELF up on to the sofa for more TV time, when clearly she was just supposed to talk from her seat) by saying “Yeah, you were on The Bachelor?!”
While it’s lovely that her brother is off the streets, that had nothing to do with anything and was her lame attempt at some sympathy slash her attempt at getting more attention on herself.

OH.  It also was great that they replayed her mental breakdown (ya know, over being on a group date and people being there on the group date pretty much) and she said WAY more than we ever knew – even the other girls jaws were on the floor).  She called Arie a Needle D*ck!!!! And the girls c-you-next-tuesdays.

I mean…. girl is certifiable if she was saying those things over a group bowling date. Bless her for making this season bearable.

The main takeaway from The Women Tell All was that ARIE DID SOMETHING.
Caroline, who some of you probably only remember as Tia’s sarcastic sidekick (love),  was my fav when she was on and I was wishing she made it to the end, was one of the most – if not the most – vocal person there. She cried and said she knows what Arie did and can’t believe it.

I’m just wondering why she is so emotional over all of this?! Like…. does it really affect you that much to be crying over it? But whatever…. guess I’ll find out and can judge then….
I do NOT want to know what Arie did – so please – NO SPOILER COMMENTS.
I know we’ll find out next week and I can figure it all out then but I am very intrigued.

:: Bachelor ::
K…. it’s confirmed.  I finally found the perfect example for why Kendall is the strangest contestant to make it to top three Fantasy Suite week. Kendall is a freak because she puts her mascara on with her mouth tightly closed. Who. does. that?  SAVAGE.  I don’t even think it’s possible for me to do that without my mouth gaping open like I’m catching flies.
but I digress….. 

He has Kendall, whose a lot kooky, Lauren who is mute, and Becca who seems like a normal midwesterner.  As hour 437 of my Bachelor viewing for the week the fantasy suite week continues on, we realize that Arie is taking what Ben Higging did (saying I’m in love with you to both of the top two) to a whole new level.

He is saying OVER and OVER and OVER again that he loves them and is madly in love with them.  Is this a new way to guarantee you get in their pants? Because your odds are already pretty high based on previous seasons? I take that back what I said about Kendall being savage….. WHO SAYS I LOVE YOU 90 TIMES TO TWO OF THE TOP THREE?!

THAT is Savage.

Do we think the producers sought out Becca’s ex, or did he do it all on his own? They probably heard 7 year relationship and had this planned the whole time.  Is it because he is beefier and younger than Arie, or is Becca’s ex cute?!? A little more meat head than I prefer, but I’d likely pick him over Arie?

Finally Kendall goes home but seriously, one of these girls is really going to get screwed.  I feel awful for them.

:: RHONY : Boat Rumors ?!? ::
I have got to know what is going on with RHONY.
They are filming right now and rumors are flying about a trip to Columbia
on a boat that caught fire and everyone getting sea sick?

Please let all of this make it to air – I need to see this footage!
Dinner party from hell turned Dinner Cruise from hell?

:: LuAnn ::

Speaking of NY Housewives, LuAnn did her cabaret show last night.  (seriously what are these women thinking? Sonja is one thing because, well, it’s Sonja… but really….)
Oh, and Sonja made a guest appearance!
Check out photos and video here.

:: Summer House ::
Love it every week.  I want some more Kyle, less Carl though.  Always.
Although, I will say – it was very disappointing that Stephen shared that private stuff about Carl.  Even if Carl is a jerk.  That is so awful and not his news to spread around. I feel like Stephen really did an awful thing.  And Carl was so sweet to his mom this week…..
this week I’m team Carl!? and I’m Team Jax too….. what is wrong with me!? (see below) 

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 
Big Bear has high altitude, and that is when Jax decides to become an adult who celebrates health.  After a morning run, he has to get rescued by the Lifegaurd, whose response to him yelling that he needs help is “is he serious right now?” and stays sitting on the beach.
But luckily, he didn’t have to get “heart to heart” or anything. I CAN’T.

I did finally laugh at something these asses say when they think they’re funny.
Jax mocking Scheana talking about Rob really did make me LOL.  She will find a one-upper or a tag along for anything to involve Rob.
“I’m going to make eggs….Rob makes the best eggs”
Also loved that Jax commented he’s “surprised Rob isn’t walking on water.”

The biggest moment this week is Rob having a moment alone from Scheana for once and casually commenting that he has never said I love you to her, ever. As though everyone is aware of this.
WAITTTTT He hasn’t even said I LOVE YOU?! And she is doing ALL OF THIS!?
Give me a moment while my mind explodes…….

She reached a whole new level of annoying this week.
It’s painfully awkward watching her say the I love you and him not respond….. the “you’re so sexy” and him not respond.
Then she decides to wake everyone up, probably still drunk, with the laminated RULES binder in hand. I meannnnn girl; the actual binder is for renters, if you are Rob are practically married you should know that thing backwards and forwards by now.  No binder needed.

Back in LA, Kristin stop by her place and Scheana is LISTENING TO HER OWN SONG (I can’t) and she tells her all about her and Rob’s idea of “the divorce club” for a future business. Ummmmm? Kristin tells Scheana what Rob said about never saying I love you and, shocker,  Scheana denies all of it.

“I know my man loves me, his actions show me how much he loves me.”
WAIT. So now you are just like gliding over the fact that he never said I love you?

THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS AMAZING.

Scheana explains to Kristin that the whole reason Jax is saying these “rumors” (and by “rumors” it is exactly what Rob said on the boat), is that he is jealous that Rob is taller than him, better looking than him, younger, more successful.  Jax just wants of what they have.
You see, Scheana and Rob are “very much in love, rob just doesn’t express it.”
THIS SCENE IS EVERYTHING.  I didn’t think the stuff at the lake could get better, BUT IT DOES. Kristin is looking at her like her head is exploding.

Scheana FEELS the love.  She’s not a dumb girl thats in love with someone that isn’t in love with her. Come on. “Do you see the way he looks at her!? He ADORES her.”
They talk about having kids and getting married and they’re looking at houses!!! I mean…. HELLO! LOVE!
THEY HAVE NAMED THEIR FIRST DAUGHTER :
MADISON MARIE PARKS VALETTA

We all knew she was pushing it and is stage 5 crazy, but what I DIDN’T know was that LITERALLY EVERYTHING she says “we” to, is JUST HER.  She is clearly just talking nonstop about all of this and he is just letting her say it and not responding.  JUST LIKE WITH SHAY.  I can’t.

MY FAVORITE PEOPLE THIS WEEK WERE JAX AND KRISTIN.
WHAT UNIVERSE AM I LIVING IN.
THIS WAS AMAZING.

And honorable mention to Raquel….. I just love any amount of more Raquel time.

:: Southern Charm :: 
Returns April 5th but apparently there is a rekindling between Patricia and Kathryn?! WHAT?!

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
The first Big Brother Celebrity is in the books!
I really enjoyed it and was happy for the final 4, but I was really sad that Marissa won over Ross.

I loved seeing drunk Brandi in the flashbacks though!

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
The news that Heather Locklear is at it again!

Domestic Violence and 3 Counts of battery against a police officer.
RUH ROH.
just in time for LuAnn to have everyone focus on her cabaret and forget about her drunken police misconduct….

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE