discuss amongst ya-selves……… 

remember when I used to do this WEEKLY?!
ugh….. I’m trying…..
Here… we… go….

:: Below Deck :: 

Am I the only one who was SHOCKED the way it went all went down with Hannah leaving?! Shocked! I have never liked Hannah but still was blown away.   I get that without a prescription they’d have to send her packing – that’s fine – but no eff’ing way was her Valium and CBD Pen laying Instagram Flat-Lay ready all perfectly with her Monogrammed Passport for Malia to take that picture.  Malia (or a producer) set that all up perfectly. 
I don’t blame Sandy for letting her go because obviously Sandy is going to micromanage a croissant before it leaves the kitchen (why does she do this?! She could learn a few things from Captain Lee – just stand and scowl in the bridge and yell on the radio!) so she definitely isn’t going to break maritime law.  But I do think the way she went about it – and the way Malia played a part – was wrong.

And wow I was not expecting Tom, Malia’s boyfriend who just joined the boat, to flip such a Sheyite on his first day of charter.  Oh no! The guest wants a chocolate cake?! A CAKE?! With ONLY SEVERAL HOURS NOTICE?!? How will it EVER chill in time?!?!?! Ummmm Tom.  Watch some Great British Bake Off where they make masterpieces in like 2 hours flat and use a FRIDGE AND/OR FREEZER to cool things down.  Or get some damn Valium from Hannah before she takes them off boat (……too soon?? oh well…..) What are you going to do when they spring it on you that 6 additional people are joining a Chef’s Tasting Menu that night?!
He is not cut out for this even WAY less than Kiko.

Poor Kiko.  The whole Vegas dinner and departure was Hannah’s fault.  NACHOS?! Come on.  That is not “Vegas Food” for a yacht, and you know it.

He pulled off incredible 10 course meals for like 10 people the week before – he did not need to be fired.  Poor thing. (I mayyyyyy have cried.  It broke my heart…. he was so nice and so sad about leaving.)

But truly, this season has been insane.  First Lara, the stew from hell, who I completely forgot about because it feels like 97 episodes ago.   Then Kiko.  Then Hannah.  Add in a Bugsy.  Add in a Tom.  And now Aesha is back! It’s a whole different boat! OH! And Creepy Pete! I forgot about Creepy Pete at all!
Pete has basically been erased from the show because of his current commentary so I completely forgot he was even on board (which I know we are ALL okay with.)

ps Rumor has it Malia + Tom may have broken up as they recently unfollowed one another on Instagram, which is essentially the digital version of a break up, right?!

Unless your Lala Kent and just do that stuff nonstop and act like it doesn’t mean anything?!?!

:: RHOBH ::

In case we had all forgotten, year after year I couldn’t stand Dorit
and this year my love for her grows more and more each episode.

I’ve really warmed to her and PEE-Kay, and her parenting scenes with PHEE-nix and JAH-gah don’t even make me bat a judgey eye.  I’m even caught thinking “her boobs look amazing in that strapless dress!” which formerly was “my gawd those implants are knocking me out through the TV!!!”  The pandemic is affecting me in all kinds of crazy ways, what can I say.

The longer she takes to get ready and the more hallway photoshoots she has while the rest of the women wait on her the more I enjoy her.

But don’t worry – I’m not so blind as to think that Capri room at Buca di Beppo is like being transported straight to Italy.  Uhhhhh no.

I don’t dislike Sutton the way I did in the beginning but I just think she’s….. at best verrrryyyy strange.
It’s hard to pinpoint specifically, but the way she melts down like a toddler at the drop of a hat drives me insane. Whether it’s over trying on clothes at Dolce & Gabana (she lost it?!) or the thought of seeing that makeup artist guy or a tiff with the ladies – it’s crazy how quickly she throws a tantrum.  Not to mention that nothing is more annoying than her pretending to be Ms. Manners when she is incredibly rude.

Oh, and her clothes.  Ummmm the clothes. How are you BFF with designers and dress in some of the worst worst clothes?!

Ok…. Brandi and Denise.  Last season was all about Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy and this season was all about Brandi and Denise.  How in this group on women do we not have anything ELSE to throw in here?! Opening a room at Buca di Beppo and way too many scenes with Lisa Rinna’s daughter Amelia Grey is pretty much the only side stories we have.  (It really bugs me when we see a million unnecessary scenes with Housewives kids…. Amelia Grey was practically on here more than Garcelle and I am NOT okay with it.  Sorry not sorry, not interested in either of Rinna’s kids and the entitled things about their “tiny” $6,000/month apartment coming out of their mouths.)

So…. onto Brandi and Denise

short version: Do I believe it happened? YES.  At least something happened.
Am I team Denise? YES.
Do I think Brandi is the #1 Scumbag to ever set foot on any Housewives?! YES.
Do I think Brandi is a LIAR in general?! YES. (but I think there is truth to this).
Do I think Kyle is an IDIOT this season especially for acting like “Brandi is a lot of things but not a liar”?! DON’T GET ME STARTED! 
I don’t know why the women felt the need to gang up on Denise all season (prior to this bombshell) about the “not in front of kids” chatter, but I think Rinna did what she does best and added fuel to the fire over and over again to make it TV worthy drama.
But what I don’t understand is why is Denise bothering lying about so many other little things when she doesn’t need to? (like her not texting with Brandi the night before Kyle’s party or how little they had spoken or how little they hang out etc.  Or denying saying stuff about Teddi or the other women – just ADMIT it! Who cares!)

OF COURSE Brandi shows up all mic’d at ready at Dorit’s party….. I swear if I ever see Brandi and Kim pop up together in another episode it will be too soon.  She is so terrible.  She doesn’t care what lengths she goes to to ruin someone as long as she’ll get TV time.  Remember her outing Adrienne Maloof about using a surrogate? Something so private her own children didn’t even know?! Brandi is a monster.
(Even worse than that “Surprise I’m here!” was TEDDI’s BABY SHOWER?! Production is doing Denise so, so, so dirty with all of this.  Putting Brandi there over and over and over again.)

Rinna is so full of sheyite this season.  The tears in Rome? With her weepy “Yes….. I want to go to church,  I’d like that, I’m a good friend…. let’s do that” was the worst acting I’ve ever seen in my life.  She doesn’t give a crap about Denise.  She was channeling her Soap Opera days but they really came out in the finale with the scene with Denise.
This scene was OH SO AMAZING and the highlight of the finale.

I got chills.  From Denise’s face and from Rinna’s unbelievable line of

Can you even IMAGINE a friend saying that to you?! Or even an acquaintance?! Or even someone that barely knows or cares about you?! Rinna is truly terrrible.
And Denise is drunk in these recent Corona confessionals in the leopard dress, right?! Where she’s talking about app’s for making fake text messages and how she has texts that would spill some tea on Rinna?!

At the end of the day, what I don’t understand is why none of the women would ever just drop it?! Just let it be?!

I mean…. I do know,
they had nothing else for the season so they rode on the coattails of Denise… but still…. 

Who cares what did or didn’t happen? You can clearly see that your “friend” feels that this is ruining her life and family so DROP IT.  Dorit was the only one to ever come to her defense but I suppose in the end they all knew they didn’t have much drama for the show and they all picked TV over being a decent person?

Oh…. and Teddi was there this season too….. I think.
I think she had a baby shower specifically to create a scene with Brandi showing up,
but otherwise didn’t really see her.

Kidding, kidding…… 

But methinks Denise won’t be returning.  Even if she wanted to (which I’m sure she does NOT), producers were clearly over her games and having to break the 4th wall 97 times this season (which I know we all LOVED).

 But to show actual members of the crew two times regarding her was WILD.

:: DROP DEAD GORGEOUS :: 
I just need to end by saying if anyone can PLEASE tell me where I can get my hands on Drop Dead Gorgeous I will love you forever.

All this Denise on my TV is making me antsy for one of the best movies ever and it is famously impossible to find a way to watch it.  And I feel like I need to watch it about 10x right now.

Truly movies of the 90’s cannot be topped.

:: RHONY ::

Dorinda is unbearable this season ….. BUT I was so upset to learn the news this week that she is leaving the show.  Without Bethenny there, I feel like she is the next best for always giving us one liners and things to giggle about (though this season not nearly as many giggled…. she is ANGRY….)
Not to mention The Bezerkshires is always 1/4 of the season anyway!
What are we possibly going to do without the Bezerkshires!?

How Dorinda is in this much denial and incapable of accepting any responsibility for anything she’s done all season is beyond me.  LuAnn attempts to tell her 12 times that SHE didn’t say anything about her drinking, RAMONA did, and Dorinda asked her to say what Ramona said.  But like everything else, before someone can even get two words out to answer her question, she cuts them off and loses it.

She is delusional.
But AGAIN I don’t judge my housewives on how likable they are – I like ’em messy.
I NEED them coo coo crazy.  So I need her.

And just a reminder if you’re feeling down on yourself,
talk yourself up the way Sonja does :

There had been rumors Ramona would be canned as well but it seems that they were false and she is returning.
Ramona is of course just as gawd awful as Dorinda and may have even LESS self awareness that Dorinda, but she’s not as angry and cutthroat.
It’s a still competition for who is more of an egomaniac between LuAnn and Ramona, and I think Lu wins, but Ramona just lives in an alternate universe.

This scene at her therapist/life coach : I CAN’T.  I CAN’T. I CAN’T.

She’s offended by anything Leah says or does but has BOWEL MOVEMENTS on floors and LEAVES IT ON THE RUG.  I’m sorry to have just written that statement…. I know it’s hard to read….. but I meeeaaannnnnnn it was on the TV right before my very eyes so how do we not acknowledge there was an actual TURD in the room.
I CANNOT.
She surrounds herself with wealthy people which she thinks make herself classy, but she’s got far less class than Leah if you ask me.

And LuAnn, never one to miss a moment in the spotlight, is reportedly returning next season as well.

We still have one more episode of NY before the finale, and their reunion is the FIRST IN PERSON reunion since Covid! So excited to get some crazy ladies away from their computers and in person (6 feet apart of course)

PS. Who is the American Idol person they all went on dates with?! I need to know…… 

 :: RHOP ::
Gawd I love Potomac.

Giselle is hands down my favorite, but I always love me some Karen.

I need to finish this week’s episode with the NEWEST reveal of Michael Darby’s infidelities but SERIOUSLY : Why on earth is Ashley with this man?!?! He is TERRIBLE.
And him shaming her about going on a girls weekend when she has a baby made my hatred for him next level status.

:: Selling Sunset ::
okay…. first of all…. did you know that Davina is THIRTY?
3-0 ?!?!?
WHATTTT.  I’ll just let that speak for itself and let you imagine my commentary based on my complete and utter SHOCK at finding that out.
Her outfits.  I can’t.  But even more than that, her personality.

The only HYSTERICAL thing about poor Chrishelle’s blindside divorce is that DAVINA sits there and acts like she has the right to opinions about it because Justin Hartley said Hi to her once and was nice once to her at an office function.
I have more interactions with the people I see at the Publix when I ask what aisle the oatmeal is in.
She’s so terrible that no one even bothers to make a gif with her because I can’t find one ANYWHERE.

:: Million Dollar Beach Mansions (Netflix) ::

This show is OH SO BAD but it’s only 6 episodes and seeing the Hamptons homes is amazing, so watch it.
But like…. watch it on mute.  These people are dreadful in terms of entertaining TV.
They bring NOTHING to the table.
The only person here who ACTUALLY does real estate is the head guy Jimmy/James/who knows what his name is because  he speaks a total of 6 sentences the entire time.  The rest of the “agents” on his team are a bunch of nonsense.
You’re trying to make me believe that people who live in $15-$35 Million Dollar homes would hire some brand new to real estate twenty-something in The Hamptons??!! OKAY.

It’s insulting how fake these “agents” getting “listings” and then discussing contemplating going out on their own are…..

Episode 6 they show the stunningly gorgeous Hampton’s house that Ramona and the RHONY ladies went to this season when they stayed with her in the Hamptons.  The one with the bowling alley in the basement.   It’s incredible. And $40 Million.
(and SHOCKER…. the listing broker’s are NOT anyone on this show.)

All of the people are extremely unlikeable.  The only girl is as dramatic as it gets – and freaks out at a broker’s open by causing a huge scene because she heard someone didn’t want her there because they thought she’d be dramatic.

But the real person I need to gripe about is Michael.
Michael seems like he has a big heart and is very nice and energetic and lovely….. blah blah blah…..
but if I hear Michael say “I’m having a baby” one more time I will find a way to tackle all 6’5 of him. Every time he speaks on camera he is saying he has a baby on the way.

He takes his shoes off and has mismatched socks on and says “I HAVE A BABY ON THE WAY!!!!”
WE GET IT, MICHAEL. We got it 3 hours ago when you said it for the 27th time.
The highlight is when the baby finally arrives and he sends a video to his friends and HE IS LAYING IN THE HOSPITAL BED HOLDING THE BABY.  As if he just birthed the child.  I cannot.

Where is your wife during this video?!?! Is she off getting you your favorite meal to celebrate all the hard work you did the last 10 months?!  I CAN’T.

But seriously…. this will sound petty if you haven’t watched it but it is ALL. HE. TALKS. ABOUT.
And also…. if you haven’t realized I’m petty when it comes to judging the people on reality TV 🙂
But watch the show…. it’s no Million Dollar Listing or Selling Sunset but it’s quick and has pretty houses
and it’s 2020 and we have no lives so WHY THE HELL NOT.

:: LOOKING FORWARD IN 2020 :: 
There are so many finale’s happening right now that it makes me anxious for a lack of Housewives in my future….. BUT…. we have Potomac (#blessed) annnnnnnnd we have Salt Lake City starting in November! I am SO excited for a brand new set of lunatics to grace my screen.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
my apologies for lack of weekly Coffee Talk like the good old days.
My little twin loves take after their mother and if the television is on their eyes are LOCKED and IN LOVE and want nothing else which leaves me little time for my beloved TV until late at night.
I’m also too tired to proofread my own nonsense,
so if this reads as though Teresa Giudice wrote it…….sorry not sorry. 

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews, reality tea, tenor