DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES………

:: BACHELOR ::
When I heard Chris Harrison say THREE HOUR premiere I almost cried.  ALREADY?! Normally they wait before subjecting us to a 3-4 hour weekly poisoning of this.  But apparently ABC has been listening to our cries to stop the madness of viewing parties in random small town bars hosted by Bachelor-Nation-Rejects because this was basically the first two episodes combined into one.  No live audience BS, no 25 recaps with montages of Peter pensively looking out over the beach.
THANK. YOU.
So… here we go…..
…..deepest sigh ever that I’m about to
devote 9,000 hours of my life to show for another year…. 

This group is unsurprisingly filled with a bunch of young girls who seem like they can’t wait for some IG/Bachelor Nation 7 minutes of fame and some sponsorships for Flat Tummy Tea and Hair Bear Gummies.  I will say that they look like one of the prettiest groups they’ve ever had HOWEVER I have NEVER seen so much botox and filler in one room in my life.  And these girls are YOUNG.

I do not understand why pretty young girls make themselves look OLDER by doing this to themselves, but hey, you do you girls! Whatever makes you feel best.  (also, how the EFF do you even have the money for these things at that age?!)
(remember when my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen asked Scheana how old she was at last season reunion and she said she looked young because of her botox/filler then blatantly told all of them they actually look *older* because of it? maybe it’s because I had just seen that clip when they replayed it but it’s all I could think about)

.
..but I digress…..

Can we please retire the phrase “be bold” with Hannah’s season?! Because I can’t hear that over and over again without wanting to rip my hair out.  And I swear I heard it 7 times night one.
Unsurprisingly, Hannah B climbs out of the limo last.  But it was a stunt, so she leaves…. for now…..

One of the girls throwing themselves at a complete stranger:
“I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet my husband!!!”
SWEETIE YOU ARE 22!!!!   TWENNNNTYYYY TWO.

When Hannah showed up the first time out of the limo I knew it was some kind of scam, but when she comes back on the date and talks (AGAIN) about the 4x in a windmill thing…….Eh.

This is just bad, awkward, uncomfortable and wrong…. Even for the Bachelor.
She did DWTS so I don’t think she stays?! 
But this will clearly make the “women” on the show lose their minds.
Peter seems nice enough, but come on, if she was interested in you she would have come after you at SOME point between the breakup and you starting filming the Bachelor.  And SHE DIDN’T.  NOT ONCE.  NOT A TEXT.  But now there are cameras filming and a bunch of hot girls fighting over you and money from ABC being dangled in her face if she shows back up and POOF here she is, still in love with you!
Why are men such idiots?!

My front runners for now: Madison, who got the one on one and Kelley, who clearly has already made out with him when they met a month before filming started.
He is obviously REALLY hooked on Hannah Ann.  And I can’t blame him.  She has *mastered* that stare at him with such a big smile and head tilted and bedroom eyes and say maybe one thing and then just bat your eyes and he’ll turn to putty thing.

:: DALLAS ::
Ohhhhhh LeeAnne. I really realllllly think she’s done as a Housewife.
Gone.  ADIOS, LeeAnne.
I’ve been looking forward to her finally having to acknowledge everything she said about Cary all season long.

I’m so glad Andy calls her out for not only *not* apologizing, but for basically doubling down on her comments.  Also happy he calls her out on her incessant lies and blaming things on production.  Not only is she not sorry, she just lies about everything and tries to manipulate everything.
She can never and will never take responsibility for anything she does.

She “cried” at the end and did the high pitched voice where she acts like she can’t speak because she is so filled with emotion and it is SUCH a crock.  Not a single tear is shed.  Yeah …… sure…..

Also, unrelated to her racist comments, the way that she makes everything about herself and her past was NEXT LEVEL this season and I really wish they had done a full montage of all of the moments together in one package.

:: OC REUNIONS ::
Vicki. I can’t.  First of all, it’s not your show. 
Second of all, it’s REALLY NOT your show when you have been
DEMOTED and aren’t even a PRIMARY CAST MEMBER.
Third of all, CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE?

How on EARTH does Shane not passing the bar for a THIRD time not come up when he out on the couch?!?!? SERIOUSLY ANDY!?!? REALLY?!?!?

This week there was a rumor that Tamra got booted (or demoted?) from the show because she took the RH and the orange off of ALL of her social media handles.  PLEASE let it be true!

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

Well… the time has finally come where being the most despicable people on the planet buys you million dollar homes.  And yes… I am aware that my binge watching of this program since day one has paid for these trash balls to then BUY these homes.

Ugh, Kristin.  I could NOT care less about you, Carter or this drama.

When will Peter cut his hair and shave his face? WHEN!?!??

The previews of them all fighting in costume is amazing, though.  Sadly, I’m always here for it.

Scheana is SUCH a pain in the ass and it entertains me to no end.

She will glom onto *anyone* if it means more airtime for the show

and every season premier it’s the newest employee at the restaurant that has been cast on the show.

:: RHONJ ::
When the fight went down last week between Danielle and Marge I was….. no words. I somehow had forgotten about the previews of the hair pulling so I thought all the stuff just leading up to it was the worst of it.

But nope….. it really….. wow.  Only Danielle.

Danielle is truly a terrifying person and I really wish they would *never* let her back on the show or on WWHL again (she claims she’s never showing up on the show again…… we all know these women are hooked on the cameras, though.)

And Teresa is DELUSIONAL about the entire situation.  She always has been because there is nothing going on upstairs, but still.  Both of them are such classy ladies.  Teresa really makes a great point by throwing water on Jennifer and tossing her glass, right?!

Also, a side note of gossip regarding Danielle and her hair pulling incident. Remember when Jacqueline’s daughter pulled Danielle’s hair forever ago?! Apparently Danielle just now came out (after the pulling of Marge’s hair aired) and said she has stitches and herniated discs.

These women are ALL insane.  This is why I didn’t watch NJ for YEARS AND YEARS.  This is NOT the kind of trash I want on my television!

:: RHOBH ::
I know this isn’t airing just yet, but the rumors have been swirling.  I loved Denise Richards for her first season last year and there has been lots of chat of her dropping out mid season.  Just this week a *serious* rumor came out about why….. andddddd wowowowow. It’s A LOT.

About a day or two later ANOTHER rumor came out that sounds much more reasonable, which is that her husband had not finalized his divorce from Nicolette prior to marrying Denise.

Who knows…. but I need Tinz to not quit RHONY and Denise to not quit RHOBH.
and I REALLY need Bethenny back, but sadly that is not happening.

:: BELOW DECK ::
Bru.  Bruuuu.  This season is good. It always is though.
I wonder if Ashton will be back next season with the shey*te he has pulled this season?  Is Kate a bit of a betch? Yes. (Love her).  Is Ashton a lunatic who went insane over a comment about his mom that didn’t even mean anything and then hurled his body in her face and punched the cab door?  YES.

:: JACKHOLES OF THE WEEK : HARRY + MEGHAN ::
I meannnn I can’t.
Well…. I can because I’m honestly not that surprised
since this has clearly been her goal all along. 
But still…. I CAN’T.

Don’t marry a Royal if you don’t want to be a part of the Royal family.  I truly don’t understand any of this?! It makes me believe *ALL* of the tabloid speculation that has not painted a pretty picture of her. 
Harry is never going to be King and has always been able to have extra leeway that William would never get.  The way they went about this, without even discussing final plans with the Queen and the Royals before making their announcement is MIND BOGGLING to me. What a slap in the face?!

Sorry not sorry, the damage she has caused in this family is irreparable I’m sure.

And basically I think the way they went about this is disrespectful, unnecessary and quite frankly, BullSh*t.

I wonder if they have regrets about the way they went about it, because I think whether the Royal Family liked it or not they would have given them what they wanted and still
at least made everything fairly amicable – or publicly amicable – but nope.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
Beverly saying she will never be appearing on RHONJ again.
She is filled with lies, but hey, I’ll take it!
Have fun with your “Cooking Therapy”,
but something tells me you need a little more therapy than cooking can offer!

ALSO.  Nice try with the “10 seasons and 12 years”….
you skipped 5 entire seasons without ever being shown but WHATEVER, BEVERLY.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
my apologies for lack of Coffee Talk.  My little twin loves take after their mother and if the television is on their eyes are LOCKED and IN LOVE and want nothing else (DAMMIT!)
I’m also too tired to proofread my own nonsense,
so if it reads as though Teresa Giudice wrote it…….sorry not sorry. 

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews