DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

oh heyyyyyy.
It’s been awhile for some Coffee Talk, hasn’t it?!?!
So some of this commentary is from forever ago;
I’ve tried to erase the old stuff and keep with the current times…
but I can’t even tell what day it is these days, so bear with me.

:: THE BACHELOR ::
Get off my TV Ben Higgings.  I don’t need to see you or those twins ever again.

BYEEE to Alabama Hannah.  And after introducing her to the parents.  Quite the slap.  But that pink dress.  Wow.

Dorit’s stylist probably has that as a contender for an upcoming lewk on RHOBH.
Kathryn from Southern Charm and Carole from RHONY have probably already called dibs on it.

I have no idea who to believe nor do I care with the Tayshia/Cassie/Caelynn drama.

But I will say: Tayshia is the one that apparently just dumped her ex boyfriend the night before the show started.
I’ll also say that watching Kirpa’s dead pan Kourtney Kardashian face with no emotion every time she said a single word was RULL annoying, so see ya later Kirpa!

Also, I forget that so much has happened and I discussed it all on instagram but not on here, but let’s go back to the one-on-one date with gorgeous model Hannah.
Ya know….. the one where they spent the entire date dry humping and making out.

The one where he grabs her upper thigh as high up THERE as you can get as she climbs on top of him on the massage table.  I MEANNNNNNNN there have been some serious man-whore Bachelors before, and they didn’t even do stuff like this when they were on dates and there were this many women left.
(well…. except for Juan Pablo in the ocean with Claire…… all of that to be read in Juan Pablo’s accent….)
I don’t even know what to think about this whole “virgin” thing anymore….. but I feel like there’s no way these two aren’t getting after it in the fantasy suite in 2 weeks if this is what they’ll do in front of a camera crew and who knows how many other crew members.  Amiright?!

:: RHOBH :: 

Week One : I would just like OC to take some notes,
because this ONE episode of BH was better than an entire season (including reunions) of OC.
But I’ll keep it positive and not let this take a turn by talking about OC…..

First of all, the intros.  And by the intros I really just mean Dorit’s BOOBS in that purple dress in the intro.

and how is it 2019 and I can never find a good gif of this?!?! 
Wow. The shoved up implants are back and they are ready to be shown on in some hideous sparkle strapless satin sad fashions all season long.  And I’m here for it.

They kick off the episode with a flash forward to 2 months from where the season will begin, like when they start a new season of Southern Charm and show the insane dinner party from hell, and we see Lisa and Kyle going at it with repulsive Ken on the verge of breaking a hip trying to wobble over to get in Kyle’s face and yell at her.

And then as Kyle escapes those annoying Shopping Mall Doors of Villa Rosa,
we see “2 months prior”…. dun dun dun.  The beginning of LVP’s ending.

Kyle’s opening scene shows Mauricio in The Agency (DRINK!!!!) gear already….  and I CANNOT.  This is as surprising as Dorit talking with her fake British accent yet it gets me every damn time.I mean, IS HIS CLOSET LIKE INA GARTEN’S?  She has her 3 colors of button down shirts and he has his 3 styles of The Agency Tee’s? I CAN’T!

Dorit tells us about being robbed (so much sympathy for Kyle, and yet I feel nothing with her story….. do I have a heart of ice?) and her “spiritual trip” taking selfies in Utah.  Oh Dorit, I just love to despise you and PEE-KAY so much.  And how about PEE-KAY in that awful v-neck t shirt at a white tablecloth dinner? Gross.

We come to learn about the dog drama we have heard play out in the press.  Dorit adopted a dog from Vanderpump Dogs and when it didn’t work out, instead of bringing it back to VD (ha! VD!) she gives it to a good home but it ends up at a kill shelter.  I will say that surely this was not Dorit’s plan and something went wrong and I really don’t think it’s her fault EXCEPT for being a moron and not just bringing it back to VD.  This is going to be an ongoing story line in LVP’s demise this season I think.  (I am Team Everyone Else, not Team LVP, for the record).  LVP is already getting caught in lies about the Daily Mail party as she tries to throw Kyle under the bus.  We know from Lisa’s OTHER show that this wasn’t even a party she was inviting people to, it was Daily Mail’s party?  She didn’t invite her?! Ugh…. enough Lisa talk……

Kyle’s new house is INSANELY gorgeous.  Gorgeous.
It’s too much for old grumpy man Ken to handle and he passes out for the entire afternoon party.

On to Dorit, who is going FULL 80’s this season apparently with her greasy insane pile of poodle curls hair.  And all the glitter and sparkle.

When she arrives at Kyle’s pool party, she doesn’t miss the opportunity to show off her Beverly Beach by Dorit swimwear and those BOOBS.  Those boobs don’t even fit into her OWN swimsuit line!! It’s like the right one is trying to make a getaway?! And also, what body on the face of the planet will this swimsuit flatter? Truly? Who is buying these swimsuits?!

But speaking of BOOBS (maybe sightings of full implant BOOBS is the real drinking game of this show?!) Rinna takes the cake with her confessional look.  Wowza.

:: Week Two :: 
Week one was just an intro to the 80’s explosion that hits us at lunch with Dorit, Rinna, and Erica.  Damn.
Erica’s confessional look with this blonde wig and leopard ensemble.  I mean…. I can’t with all of these LEWKS.  And this “fashun”.

We are getting a TRIP! ALREADY?! A private jet trip in episode 2!?!?! Bless you BH.  Bless you.
Cannot wait to see it all go down in the beautiful Bahamas.

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 

Watching this stuff at the hospital has be like pulling a hernia to try to reach for the mute button.  Between the “acting class” with Scheana and Lala and then the boys talking about the girls experimentations, I keep having to reach for mute at a moments notice to keep the nurses from hearing.

I really enjoyed when Lala was talking to James at the end on the rink and Raquel comes out to defend her man and Lala just says “sorry for calling you a twat” and they just look at each other and then skate off in separate directions. Tv Gold right there.

Scheana in this red suit jacket dress confessional look….. I cant

She looks worse than Dorit.
I really can’t figure out what my eyes are seeing.

Jax and Brittany go to therapy and Jax at therapy sums up everything I hate about Jax.

He looks like he is going to punch a wall and breathe fire when he tries to “calmly” state how HE ISNT’ DEFENSIVE HE ISN’T UPSET HE DOESN’T WANT HIS CONSTANT CHEATING BROUGHT UP.

I also love Katie giving marriage advice to Jax and Brittany at the engagement party venue.  Yeah…. because you and Tom were just so top notch your entire relationship and engagement and are real hashtag relationship goals now.

They take this PJ to a place that apparently a two hour drive.  And I learned that there isn’t even at airport at this town they go to, so they they drove like an hour after the 20 minute flight.  And waiting to take off for probably 2 hours for Kristin.  So it took even longer than just renting a limo or party bus.  So stupid.  Almost as stupid as Lala’s constant commentary about HER MAN paying for it and nonstop “PJ” chatter for the 60 second flight.

I just feel so sad for James.  So so sad.
As each episode has progressed and it’s gotten worse and worse and
it came to a head with all of this stuff with his terrible mother.

Jacqueline thinks James should so clearly be forking money hand over fist because she was such an extraordinary mother.  She dressed him in Ralph Lauren, Burberry, and he took his first steps in Tiffany’s dammit!!! Doesn’t that clearly make her mother of the year?!? Isn’t that what love and parenting is all about?!
This poor kid!!!!
And then he sobs when Guillermo says something to him about needing a new DJ.
Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones but I am now Team James (and Raquel who instead of having the usual blank stare in this scene seems to be trying to hide her disgust for Jacqueline).

I’m still shocked Kristin got this Solvang episode NAMED after her when all she does is get drunk and mumble and be her annoying attention loving self.

I know they all are 35 year olds acting like 22 year olds, but why is Kristin taking it to an extreme so special?
She’s insane.

While the girls drink in Solvang, the boys drink at the Mondrian, and Jax acts like a recovering addict surrounded by his drug of choice when three girls are brought back to the hotel room.

:: RHONJ :: 

I’m way late on this commentary, but we have to talk about Mexico because it was just so good. When Jennifer was pissed about the STRONG necklace for Teresa and things start to spiral, I never could have imagined that Jennifer would be tit for tat taking everything to such extremes.

Marge shouting “your lips looks like a monkey’s asshole” will go down as one of the greatest insults to ever be hurled by a housewife, even though it made absolutely no sense.  (We learn at the reunion that she arrived at this comment because baboons try to show off, and it seemed as though Jennifer was doing just that, by showing their assholes?
Hmmm….. insert NBC’s The More You Know shooting star…..)

Which is then followed up by “that you suck on” and I am just reminded how insane and amazing this season has been.   Marge v. Jennifer just won’t quit.   The next night it turns to “your husband sleeps in the guest house” and I’m like GEEZZZUS Marge you really just never stop!  Was she like this before with the zero to 100 in terms of hurling the insults? She must have taken a Housewives 101 class because I don’t remember her being this fiesty in the seasons before.

And then, it isn’t Jersey without some shaking of dining tables or hurling of drinks.  Marge kicks it off by throwing red wine on Danielle, slow clap.  I’d do it too.  (We’d all do it if we’re being honest…. ugh…. Danielle).  But I will say, I was shocked that it was JENNIFER and not Danielle to be the one shattering a glass and threatening someone with it.  And then they all just apologize and get over it the next time they’re together at the charity event.  I meannnnn only in NJ can you shatter a glass (like a professional mobster) and hold the handle and spiky remaining bits in someones face and then be like “I’m sorry” and all is forgiven instantly.
These women are insane.  I gotta say…. drunk or not, I didn’t think Jennifer had it in her.

Also I feel like the only reason they all just got over everything and moved on was because Danielle wasn’t there to keep stirring the pot.

Marge pushing Marty in the pool and following it up with a “your husbands in the pool” – I MEAN, PEOPLE! I just love it.

:: Reunion :: 

I’m reminded in this hour of television why I stopped watching RHONJ entirely and Teresa is the #1 reason. I cannot stand this woman.  She’s so narcissistic and truly believes that she is all anyone cares about on that show and that it’s the Teresa hour.

Bless Jackie for not taking any of her shey*te and for calling her out for the hypocrital dumbass that she truly is.  As Teresa defends herself by saying she is a legitimate author who totally wrote her own book, she says Jackie’s problem is that “she has no compassionate.”  Ah yes Teresa.  Seeing an actually intelligent human being who isn’t afraid of Teresa go up against Teresa is so refreshing.  But of course, even that Teresa sees only through her egotistical classes, claiming that Jackie is a stalker.   Because how could anyone not be 100% obsessed with you. And seriously WTF is up with your my little pony ponytail this evening.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY — “Reunion” — Pictured: (l-r) Jackie Goldschneider, Melissa Gorga, Margaret Josephs, Andy Cohen, Teresa Giudice, Dolores Catania — (Photo by: Greg Endries/Bravo)

A few other thoughts.  It shouldn’t be surprising since it is New Jersey after all, but the amount of sparkles on these damn couches is insane.  I had forgotten about Jennifer’s constant commentary and one-upping in Oklahoma and thoroughly enjoyed the recaps.  Dolores took the longest pregnancy pause of the century when asked if she hates Melissa.  And Marge’s face lift looks great.  And I seriously cannot stand Teresa more than anything.

:: Teresa and a 26 year old :: 
Pictures broke Wednesday of Teresa holding hands with a 26 year old in Miami.  It’s the same person she was with for New Years Eve too.

While I couldn’t care less about anything involving her, it’s gossip nonetheless.  It’s been fairly obvious she has/had no plans of staying with Joe once he went to prison and was probably hoping that he would get deported so that she could start a new life (ya know, being the most important human being in all of New Jersey and everything.)
See the pics and details here.

:: Miranda Lambert :
She was going to be my Jackhole for the week, but obviously Tristan Thompson and Kardashian drama has trumped pretty much all other news for the week.
But seriously….. she married this cop from NYC (former model) that she has known for THREE MONTHS and who has a THREE MONTH OLD baby with his ex.  Like…..??????? Yeah…. that’s the relationship I’m really RUSHING to legally lock down ASAP.

She captioned her instagram “thank you for loving me for……me” . And I’m like OH PUH-LEASE!!! You’ve been together for like 10 seconds! My husband and I hadn’t had a single disagreement and he still thought I was this perfect little specimen at that point.  That’s not a relationship! He hasn’t even seen your crazy yet!
This comes on the heels of her dumping an entire salad in a womans lap at a restaurant.
I’m just going to say it…. I think she’s been showing her true colors a lot lately and those colors appear to be white trash and complete idiot.

:: Jesse Smollet :: 
This was another Jackhole of the week…..
Okay apparently the entire story WAS made up by him?!!? Is this true!?!?!
I mean WOWOW he is RULL lucky this Kardashian stuff is going on to distract from all of this…….
Why do people always think they can get away with something?!

:: The BIG Jackholes of the Week ::
Tristan Thompson + Jordyn Whatever The Hell Her Last Name Is

I meannnnnn I don’t even know WHAT to think about this!!
Unless you have been living under a rock, Kylie’s BFF hooked up with – and has possibly been hooking up with for a month now – Khloe’s baby daddy Tristan.
Ya know….. the guy that was caught cheating on her two days before she gave birth to their daughter.

Now….. I still just don’t understand how this would happen….. HOW can someone be SO dumb as to bite the hand that feeds you times 50.  Everything this girl has is because of Kylie and the Kardashians, and then you go and do this?!

What was the end goal?! Ending up with a real winner like Tristan, who isn’t even a great basketball player and hooks up with anything with a va’jean?! Yep….. seems like worldwide humiliation and being cut off from your money makers and best friends is totally worth it.

Khloe….. if you even think about dating Tristan again there is something wrong.  Because PREEEEETTYYY sure you never should have taken back the man that cheated on you while you’re about to give birth to his child.
BUT.  Again……. she started dating this man when his “ex” was still pregnant with his child.  I meannnnnnnn.  Why do people always think that with them things will be different?!

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews