DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Southern Charm : Last Week :: 

Everything about TrAshley AND Thomas and their conversations makes me either want to puke, slap them, or at the very least roll my eyes.  But at least we are finally at the point where TrAshley is going to start digging her own grave this week…..

The way Thomas thinks so highly of himself as though he actually IS something respectable like a Senator is hi-larious; he declares that”needs his woman to look presentable”.  What, while you degrade them? While you pretend your family name is something you haven’t completely destroyed?

TrAshley is just as delusional.  She starts talking to Thomas as though she could be a “first lady one day”. Ummm yeah.  Sure.  I honestly didn’t think she was that big of a moron to think anything political was ever possible in his future but then she surprises me yet again and says on the way to Hilton Head “oh my gosh it’s an island were going to?”
editors note : and no, I don’t care that she didn’t grow up in the South to not know that…..

The other thing TrAshley has continued to do – that we should make HER drinking game – is talk about getting a ring.  Why do people berate men for a ring? What’s the appeal in getting a man who clearly has no interest in proposing to propose, let alone a scumbag like Thomas?  Anyways she keeps talking about a ring.  I CANNOT get over how insane this girl is.   And then the more she brings it up, he immediately brings up something involving Kathryn afterwards. HA!

TrAshley looks so pissed and so uncomfortable and SO insecure.  News flash : she’s the mother of his children!!!!!

Anyways…. let’s take a break over those two before my blood pressure elevates…

Naomi wants to swing by Craig’s before the trip to Hilton Head to make sure everything’s fine between them.  Craig is “fixing up” or doing SOMETHING to this dump of a house, but he is just putting masking tape next to giant holes in the wall.  What?!  Naomi walks in and kindly says how good it looks….. and then she keeps walking and realizes it looks horrible.  But he puts out cheese and crackers for her which is actually really sweet.  This shouldn’t be surprising from him being the emotional seamstress that he is, but based on the filth and piles of clothes all over that house I was surprised to see him putting a little effort into something.I’m not a cat person.  Not in the slightest. But I can’t tell if I should be amazed by Gizmo’s car riding and no leash behavior or even more creeped out by cats?

The gang is getting ready to head to Hilton Head with two cripples in tow.  Naomi is walking around in a boot and Shep is bandaging his nose from walking into a glass door when he “wasn’t that drunk”.  Not surprised about Shep.  Craig tried to stab his hand with a butter knife and needs surgery the same day as Shep.  Again, not surprised.

Back to TrAshley.  While her and Thomas are getting ready she is applying make up to Thomas’ face? Like, putting foundation on him? And of course the conversation goes straight back to Kathryn.  Thomas has no interest in any of it, but she kicks off her weekend of sheyite talking by saying “if Kathryn’s smart, she can be her ally or if she’s stupid, she can be her enemy”, and that if she doesn’t invite her to Saint’s birthday there’s gonna be a problem. UGH she infuriates me.

You would think I have been madly in love with Kathryn for years and am her BFF for the amount of RAGE I feel for TrAshley

On the drive to Hilton Head, TrAshley won’t stop bitching about being excluded from Saint’s birthday party that Kathryn is throwing.  Even Thomas is like SHUT UP.  YOU’RE WRONG.  Well….. he says that in the confessionals but not to her face.  He even goes so far as to blatantly say that he’s on Kathryn’s side.  (still hate him, but love those moments of him siding with Kathryn.)
I really LOVED watching Thomas correct her “whoever” versus “whomever” and she didn’t even realize that he was correcting her and just kept repeating herself. “Yeah!!! We’d let her bring WHOEVER she wants to bring!!” and again he’s like “for the love of god shut up whomever”
editors note : for all of you thinking about how I write the wrong word 74 times per Coffee Talk, LAY OF ME.  I’m eating and typing and trying to watch 745 hours of television a week!!!  You know how Kathryn said her first job scooping ice cream was hard?! So’s watching lot’s of TV and typing with one hand and then not re-reading anything you write HmmKAY!?
but I digress…….

They finally arrive and of course Thomas sees a mirror in the entryway and begins staring at himself and giving himself gun-fingers and yeah-buddy gestures.  I can’t with him.  And then he’s like “Hey Kathryn, come look at my room I’m sharing with TrAshley!” What?!?! But I am immediately reminded that I actually prefer him over HER.  The girls are going to horseback riding and she immediately starts bitching and acting like a helpless child. “THOMASSSSS what do I wear horseback riding?!? Everyone is wearing flannel!!! They’re excluding me!!!  THOMASSSSSS are you not listening me?!?” And the entire time the four girls are sitting outside listening to all of it. GAWD I shockingly agree with everything Thomas said about her in his confessional and she is SO ANNOYING.
YOU WEAR JEANS.   JEANS TRASHLEY.  JEANS.  I haven’t ridden a horse since I was probably nine and I’m able to figure out how to dress for that occasion.   And no, only two of the girls are wearing flannel but sure, okay……

Craig finds a spare set of contacts and brings them because he thinks they belong to Naomi, which was so nice of hi, and she wants NOTHING to do with him.  So much for driving Gizmo over to make amends?!

The girls go horseback riding and the experience is pretty much ruined thanks to TrAshley.  She should have just stayed at the house by herself. 

Craig asks some wonderful questions on the golf course such as “does TrAshley always assume that you’re paying or does she offer?”  GOOD QUESTION CRAIG.  Although I think we already knew the answer to that one……

On the way to dinner that night on the golf cart, TrAshley leaves an ENTIRE ROW OF SEATS between her and the rest of the girls.  Way to work on not being excluded!

Thomas orders his cocktail at dinner and gets “the red head, yeah, I can do some red head, I like read head…..” SERIOUSLY. Can’t make this stuff up.  What’s next, he mentions getting back together with Kathryn again!?

And FINALLY the moment between Kathryn and TrAshley is upon us.  Kathryn’s facial expressions are always THE best.  TrAshley attempts to calmly ask if she is invited to Saint’s birthday for all of .2 seconds before attacking with “I know I’m not invited so just say it!”  Kathryn correctly points out, okay, well then why are you asking if you already know and if you want to be invited to something that’s not how to speak to someone to get an invitation.

The crazy in TrAshley quickly escalates from “am I invited or not? yes or no?” and she SNAPS.  She comes at Kathryn some serious fighting words with “I see those children more than you see them!” and thank goodness even sweet Dani and Chelsea are telling her to “slow her roll” and that “that was low”.  This girl is NUTS to think saying any of this is appropriate or will get her what she wants or will do anything but make her look horrible.

Of course, that is all they give us and we have to wait until tonight’s new episode, but even Shep joins the SHE IS AWFUL train.

ps. the amount of time I spent putting a strike through on all of the TrAshley’s could have been much better spent, like checking my nonsensical words and run on sentences, but where’s the fun in that?  Because can’t we all agree, she is the worst?  Pah-REACH.

:: Bachelorette ::

PS. I do not know any spoilers, so do NOT spoil this for me people!!!!!

Well, another season of garbage is gracing our television screens.  I will devote countless hours to watching it, complain about it the entire time, and once the losers and villians are kicked off, I will sit and pull my hair out until the season ends and the glory that is Bachelor in Paradise graces our screens.
It’s a vicious cycle.

So, we’ve got Becca, who was engaged to Arie and then he dumped her for the mute Lauren.  For the first time in bachelor/ette history, I actually got something from the fake conversation with the former Bachelorettes getting “advice”.  It turns out that Kaitlynn, Jo Jo, and Rachel all gave the first impression rose to the contestant that is now their fiancé.
ALSO.  Does the Bachelor franchise hate Kaitlynn? Because I think they do? They literally would NOT show her face during any of it – they blatantly were cutting her out of every shot they could and only airing the footage of the other girls talking.

Speaking of things the camera keeps shooting, I CAN’T with these gigantic tattoos.  It’s tatt shot after tatt shot after tatt shot and I don’t know how on earth I am going to handle staring at these for the next 10 weeks.  In addition to the tatt,  I am already SO OVER “Let’s do the damn thing” that if I EVER hear it again it will be too soon.

Sorry to say this (not sorry) buuuuttttttt I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard to find hot guys?? Every year there are less and less attractive guys??
I feel like it’s because they are trying get “dramatic” people and guys to just cause problems for rating, but still. Can’t you find hotter losers?  That male model, Jordan, for example.  THAT’S A NO.  You can’t possibly tell me that it is THAT HARD to find a douchy male model to be on the most popular show on television that is ACTUALLY HOT AND LOOKS LIKE A MODEL.  But more on him later……

They give us ZERO info on these guys on the ABC Bachelor page.  They use to at least list a bunch of garbage information and stupid answers for us, but this season they give us scraps.  I NEED TO KNOW HOW TALL THESE MEN ARE.  That’s like THE most important characteristic, especially for me to make fun of this bitchy blonde male model.

So much happens in these early episodes (yet nothing happens at all) so it’s hard to judge everyone recap concisely.

But, let’s just start with the male model, Jordan.  ONE, I believe you to be short, but unfortunately I don’t know THANKS ABC.  TWO, you live in Crystal River Florida.  Crystal. River. Florida.  Which I know nothing about but I would bet my life is NOT the place for successful models to be located.  Just a guess.  Little hunch.  Who knows?!
THREE, his “brand is the pensive gentleman” and my guess is that “pensive” is the biggest word you know and you learned it from Andrew Keegan.

ALSO, clearly the Modeling Coach’s in Crystal River Florida think modeling is literally being Zoolander and looking confused at all times because that’s how he “shows us” his modeling skills.  He let’s us know that “the power is in the brows”.

I obviously went and found his instagram – take a gander for yourselves.  But don’t you DARE follow him!!! Don’t feed that average sized average looking assholes ego any more than it already is.
editors note : alright, he looks like a good looking model in his professional preppy photos, but on the show his looks do NOTHING for me.  He’s not ugly
He is Chad ready to happen.  Could have called it from a mile away that he will be on the 2-on-1 date which has become the Villian-versus-Someone-Else Date, (but whatttaya know, ABC spoiled that for us so we already 100% know that to be coming up in a future episode.)
He clearly loves attention and is getting just what he wants right now, and me writing about him ins’t helping, but he will be the story line for the season for sure.

Some thoughts on the other losers :
I think Colton, the young MS charity guy who we learn in previews is a Virgin that is not waiting for marriage, is adorable, but then I saw that he dated Aly Raisman…. sooo……  is this a red flag??  He’s so cute though.
Did the “colonoisseur” loser make it? I think he did.  I think the enjoyment of making fun of him is already up.
I kind of wish she had asked the fellow Minnesotan what was so “transformative” about his past year before kicking him off.   I’m sure the answer would have been entertaining.

His head/jaw shape/something was very alarming.
The first impression rose winner, Garrett, is cute and then not cute and then cute? I’m trying so hard to find guy attractive on this damn show I’m about to devote my summer to and you give me people like Leo.

AND give him a rose.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?
But back to Garrett, I feel like he makes it pretty far (if not the one!?) and the controversy has already began over him liking meme’s in the past on his instagram.   Ruh Roh!!!!!

:: Ashley I aka Princess Jasmine :: 
HOW do I forget to talk about things EVERY week on Coffee Talk?
Although this week is probably more fitting with the Bachelorette premiere…..
BUT….. remember Ashley I?

Welp, Ashley I aka Princess Jasmine Insane Cryer and the man she stage 5 clinger stalked for the past 3 years are now dating.  I mean…… what?????? This isn’t, like, an amazing love story – it’s kind of creepy and sad.  Sorry not sorry.
This is like when what’s her face married the sperm doctor guy after throwing up in her mouth when he kissed her.
(google search : Carly and Evan.  kind of proud of myself when I forgot names…… maybe I have a life and other hobbies? )

But, if you believe in love instead of publicity, and if you want to watch a FORTY FIVE MINUTE VIDEO they put together on “The Story of Us” head here.  But seriously, even I have standards and boundaries and say NAY NAY to that.

FORTY FIVE MINUTES of the two of them talking about themselves to a camera!?!?!? WHAT!?!?!

editors note : I’d love to hear my husband try to talk about me for 5 minutes.  And I’m fine with it. 

Of course they are “already talking marriage.” OH PUH-LEASE PEOPLE.

:: ” MY MAN” on Flipping Out ::
Sooooo apparently Lala and MY MAN may be appearing on an upcoming Flipping Out.
They were furniture shopping with Jeff and filming…..

I meannnnnn he avoids VR and even being named (Rand) but will go on another Bravo Show?
Interesting……..

:: Brandi Redmond :: 
Brandi Redmond adopted a Baby Boy!  We saw her struggle with a miscarriage last season, so this is happy news.
see the whole story here, and they will be sharing it on the next season of RHOD.

:: RHONY :: 

Am I the only one that thinks this “he’s an operator” is a strange term to use for Adam?
We get to the root of why Carole is pissed, and it’s not The Operator Adam.  It’s over, guess what?!? THE MARATHON – drink!!!!

Bethenny didn’t care enough to be asking about her training! I CAN’T WITH HER.  And then she’s like “then you called LuAnn a loser……”
LuAnn kills me.  “Me? Look at me?! Look at all this!? Do I look like a loser to you?! I’m a loser the rest of the world sucks ha!!”   I will say that Bethenny saying the “Oh my God you’re freaking me out right now” at the end of last week was a little premature.  Carole wasn’t saying or doing anything to warrant a “you’re acting crazy”, like talking in a delusional manner about partying with John John on P Diddy’s yacht.

Even when they go to their separate quarters, the only think Carole is talking about to Tinsley and Ramona is the DAMN MARATHON.

Then Dorinda brings out her own birthday cake to sing herself happy birthday to break the tension and shoves her own face into the cake.  With LIT candles.

OH EM GEE.  We get a new interview look from Dorinda and it’s like Little Kim meets Erika Jayne and I can’t.
iPhone photo time :

AND THEN Bethenny follows up Dorinda’s ‘I own Santa’ rant with “she does have the hair of Mrs. Clause, and I have the jaw of an Elf.”  I. DIE.
The next morning, everyone is still drunk, Sonja is showing the arrival damage photos to Dorinda, Bethenny’s the first to run to her chauffeured vehicle, so all is right with the world.

Sonja telling her contractor about having sex on the staff sink but fixing the towel rack is just….. she kills me.

THIS is why NYC is pure gold.  This and the “I have the jaw of an elf” is really ALL I need to be a happy girl.

Bethenny has her annual holiday party that follows the Berkshires every year.  Carole comes in wearing another one of her “lewks” and you KNOW Bethenny is wanting to make commentary on the spot.  I mean, it’s no tattoo body stocking, but it’s just as bad as everything else she’s worn all season.
The giant Nutcracker arrives and Bethenny doesn’t thank Dorinda – yowzaaaaaaa.  Not good.

That was above and beyond for Dorinda to do that and she got nada thanks.  Then Bethenny won’t let Ramona talk about her anti aging line and the B is backkkkkkk.
seriously though…… Ramona looks amazing and if I hadn’t seen her get that lunatic peel and a million other things I’d be signing up for her anti-aging line right about now!

LuAnn learns she (and everyone) can’t donate blood because they went to Mexico within the past year and feels “like a loser”.  Well played editors, well played.
Sonja is dressed like a Deal or No Deal case girl in a bright pink sparkle mini going from donor to donor.  Ha!

You want to know reason number 6,79.327 why I’m over Carole? She’s now SPEAKING IN THE THIRD PERSON.
I can’t.  I can’t.  I can’t.

They end it with LuAnn’s arrest and somehow I just DIDN’T SEE IT COMING! I didn’t know they’d be able to play the tapes and the tape from the next morning in the front of the judge or any of it! My HEART IS RACING despite knowing all about it from the press.   AHH I can’t wait for next week

:: Jackhole of the Week ::

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know about Roseanne and her racist tweet(s).  I cannot believe she did what she did and said what she said!  So sad for everyone else involved in the show (which was such a great show –  I’m so mad (but totally understand why) it’s over!!!! .
Although there IS talk about a spinoff without Roseanne so I suppose there is still hope!

:: Mazel of the Week ::

This video of a sweet little boy helping an elderly woman up the stairs is just so sweet.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews