The Sarcastic Blonde

fashion, Lifestyle

lust list

December 10, 2013

lust list for the week….

all would be perfect gifts for someone you love.

Lifestyle

monogram monday

December 9, 2013

someone make me a monogrammed christmas garland

(but a 3 initial, not a solo)

and I will die and go to heaven.

{via}

some other monogrammed christmas pretties:

{via}

that’s all I have for today. I put on eye cream last night before bed (I’m trying to be all “adult” and adopt a bedtime beauty routine … annoyingly wash/moisturize/special creams before bed that are probably doing nothing for me)….. so, naturally the eye cream got in my eye when I rubbed it a minute later. and proceeded to burn the crap out of my eyes so that I just gave up on my planned evening in bed on online christmas shopping, cruising Pinterest, and writing a post.

riddle me this: why is it an EYE cream if when it gets in your EYE it feels like fire?

coffee talk, Lifestyle

mini coffee talk

December 5, 2013

discuss amongst ya-selves….

my apologies for such a tiny coffee talk today,

but I do have some exciting news.

did anyone catch Andy’s Jackhole of the Day on WWHL Tuesday?

becauuuuuuseeeeee

That’s right! IT WAS BRUCE JENNER’S PONYTAIL!

Ummmm that was my Jackhole two weeks ago on Coffee Talk!!

We are seriously destined to be together.

The only thing I had to comment on regarding RHOBH was this:

ummmmm, WHAT THE HELL IS KYLE WEARING?

I guarantee that awful necklace is sold in her store.

and I think we stopped matching our eyeshadow to our top in 8th grade.

I don’t know if Kris Jenner and Ben Flajnik are dating or just friends,
but either way, this proves (as if we didn’t already know) how pathetic both of them are.

if they are dating, they are disgusting.

and if they are friends, I don’t get it – what on earth do you two have in common whatsoever?

Kris has lovely taste in men – Bruce, and then Francine.

and he has lovely taste in women, courtney “small mouth”, and now kris.

Joe Jonas opened up and told some ah-mazing stories to New York Magazine.
basically he and all of the Disney kids are sluts and druggies.
shocker.

best line of the article
“I felt special to date someone famous.”
oh god…. you and Taylor are made for each other.

I attempted to do fashion-ish posts,
but the iPhone photography in the random corner of my apartment because it is freezing outside didn’t quite look so pretty.
shocking, I know.
I did finally break out the two items I’ve been saving in the closet since last winter:
the boots and the fur vest.

the pictures the man friend took were so hideous that I just can’t post any of them.
the best beauty shot was the one below when he was pissed and hungry.

and I know what you’re thinking…. and I agree, minus the sweet part.

{adam brody on new girl as jess’s ex boyfriend? yes please!}

while on the subject of furs,
if you aren’t following me on instagram you are missing out on gems like this

Luck was on my side Sunday people, and this was on my flight.
if only I got a shot from the front of his incredible hair and gold chain.

fashion, Lifestyle

oprah told me to

December 3, 2013

Here are a few items I’m enjoying from Oprah’s Favorite Things

Starting with tequila of course….

{himalayan salt shot glass}

{ugg boots}

this fries 4 servings of potatoes with only a tablespoon of oil.

deep fryer made healthy? yes please

{t-fal acti fry}

for the ladies who have 12 sets of reading glasses but can never find a single pair,

a stationary set for a desk or kitchen island

{desk magnifier}

{monogram compact}

{c. wonder quilted coat}

Lifestyle

happy thanksgiving!

November 27, 2013

I’m heading home tonight for Thanksgiving.

{via}

as long as being at the airport on the worst day of the year to fly doesn’t kill me first.

{via}

The long days ahead of constantly rushing for the next piece of food to put in my mouth

will be just what I need to get through the day of traveling.

Sounds like heaven.

I really miss supermarket sweet.

please tell me you watched it too….. them running for the turkeys first and then grabbing a giant inflatable thing of diapers hoping it was worth the bonus $100!!

it was followed by Shop Til You Drop, a game show that I definitely would have kicked ass on.

But in all seriousness,

I have so much to be thankful for and am incredibly blessed.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family, friends, and loved ones!

coffee talk, Lifestyle

coffee talk

November 26, 2013

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

I just didn’t have time last week…..

So without further ado, a random edition of Coffee Talk.

Last week’s RHOBH kicked off with Brandi butt naked in a bath tub chatting with her friend.

oh of course! because that’s what we all do…. lay naked in the tub and have conversations with our girlfriends. all. the. time.

what the hell???

brandi then teaches us about break-ups:
break up with someone at dinner before the appetizer of calamari is even on the table.

what?? how did the rest of that meal go?
actually, probably pretty well, because I’m guessing the “I’m tipsy you’re driving me home” comment was code for “now we’re just back to friends with benefits so let’s go to my place”.

the lady closeness continues with Carlton,
who clearly bats for both teams.

WE GET IT.
you like hot women. you are 99% sleeping with your blonde nanny.
you clearly are more than friends with these people.

and last night’s episode…I mean. I can’t.
brandi and carlton go lingerie shopping together, because that’s what people who have met two times do. obviously.

because why not – what better way to get to know someone!
first the naked bathtub scene and then that.
are straight men setting up these scenes or something??
where are you andy cohen??!!}

The highlight of the episode of course is that we learn more about where Carlton draws the line and is freakin’ bloody offended dammit!
or as she would phrase it,
Things that Bloody F***ing Disgust Carlton:

1. do NOT ask her a question. that’s not how you get to know someone! you don’t invite people to your home to have them speak to you!
2. do NOT ask if she practices witchcraft, even if the answer is a resounding yes and she used to be “on the dark side but would never do that again because she has children” and therefor that is her having high freaking standards!
3. do NOT sit at the head of a table. that is repulsive. even if there is a table setting there and nowhere else for someone to sit because that’s the only available chair, only bloody pigs sit at the head of a table. so bloody arrogant!

4. do NOT ask someone a question about religion. even if there are 476 crosses in their home! what is wrong with you people! that is the most offensive thing in the world! However, saying C U Next Tuesday is completely acceptable! In fact, if it comes from the mouth of a hot girl, it is quite the complement.
5. do NOT talk about the size of your husband’s nether regions. that is repulsive! however, let me hypocritically clarify for all to know that “mine is hung like a donkey”. but don’t you dare talk about the size of men’s things you disgusting women!!!

and that concludes this week’s lesson in
things that bloody f***ing disgust carlton.

and how the hell did I forget to mention Yolanda and Gigi.
{the name Gigi comes out of her mouth more than anything else}.
Life lessons from Yolanda:

When you feel like you are about to pass out from the master cleanse diet,
chew an almond.
very, very slowly!!!
all better.
I need her to adopt me 2 months before our wedding and just kick my ass.

kan-YAY’s {say it like the kardashian’s…. kanYAY} music video made quite the stir

I loathe these two so much.
but what made a bigger one?

kanye = 0 jonah = 1

jackhole of the week:
first, Asa’s (from shah’s of sunset) Diamond Water.