The Sarcastic Blonde

:: coffee talk ::

June 4, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

this weeks shows in three bullet points (or two or four….. close enough)

:: the bachelorette ::

Tony, the hippie in overalls who wants bonsai trees (I spelled it wrong and it autocorrected, is it wrong that I am proud of myself for NOT knowing how to spell it?) who wants bonsai trees instead of the anger + sumo wrestling, who has a heart filled with love and openness ~~and a body filled with STD’s from said openness~~ decides he has had ENOUGH and leaves the show.

and ps, the first two weeks he looked like he had been punched in both eyes – either he hadn’t slept in a week or someone had some black eyes. see what being loving and peaceful all the time does? being so caring for every plant and soul in the world makes you look like an exhausted old man.

a bromance forms that is deeper than any relationship the bachelor/bachelorette franchise has ever seen. and this includes trista + ryan, the ~~only~~ quintessential success story of the show.

kaitlyn wears yet another bedazzled gown with side cut-outs.

:: southern charm ::

andy looked hung over as hell. seriously. rough night the night before 100%.

just being honest….. takes one to one know.

I have a difficult time even watching whitney. I really can’t.

everything he says and does,

I’m thinking “enough side eye and smirking already Lady Elaine”

twins. preach.

landon’s outfit is freaking adorable and I want it and I want it now and I need to be bride again to to wear it to an engagement shindig.

T-Rav and Kathryn would be the most entertaining messed up why are you even looking in one anthers direction hot mess of a couple ever…… except that they have a child so it takes the entertainment factor to zero and makes it entirely sad and depressing.

andy throwing shade about how $2500 a month for kathryn and her child all expenses really is nothing and he has only paid two times was hysterical and amazing.

i meannnnnn this picture is worth so many words.

okay so mabye I was lying earlier when I said it was not entertaining at all…. perhaps it is still a little entertaining.

Kathryn talks about how NO theres no way they are hooking up tonight (shep five times: just please… don’t hook up tonight.) she’s making it clear that it is not even possible because they haven’t even, like, spoken since August.

Andy : “When was the last time you slept together”

Kathryn : “I MEANNNNNNN we haven’t even talked since last year! I don’t even know it was so long ago! Like….3 or 4 weeks ago”

Me : SPITTING OUT MY DINNER AND LAUGHING SO HARD IT’S A SILENT LAUGH.

Kathryn : Angry side mouth expression.

Me : UGH why is this show ending! it’s so good! she has the best pissed off look out of every bitch on bravo! look at that angry side mouth!

:: caitlyn jenner ::

nothing but applause for this situation, so I’m not having this as a coffee talk discussion point,

but side note SHE LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD

and I will share my favorite instagram because this was TOO FUNNY

if any of you watch even 1/10th of the TV that I do, you read that entirely in the pace/tone/voice that is said in the commercial

and girl is MAKING A POINT with the Caitlyn with a C.

:: secrets and wives ::

THIS SHOW PUTS REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC THIS SEASON TO SHAME.

I can’t even keep up with everyone! I need a chart to figure out all of these ex’s and who was sleeping together and who did what ! I’m so lost, yet I can’t wait to put it all together and figure it out.

I didnt think I had ever seen anyone wear more make-up than liza

……. enter liza’s mom.

oh heck yes I took a picture of the TV for that one.

this show is very different from all the housewives and other female cast shows on Bravo: I’ve realized the female drama doesn’t seem to be present in this show, at least not really….. it’s the men stirring the pot. the men being awful and the men being front and center causing the drama with their wives/girlfriends.

it is going to be bad. bad, bad. bad.

:: real housewives of new york ::

I didnt see the whole episode yet so if something super dramatic happens in the second half I apologize for not commenting on it.

I love darotas place in the berkshires. love.

I seriously love Darota.

heather, you were right with everything you were saying about Bethenny crying foul for her having a tough past when tons of people in life – including extremely successful ones – have tough upbringings and no parents. everyone’s with ya!

but then you say “I mean look at me! I just lost my nanny of 9 years!”

…… um…… too much ramona pinot grigio for you sweetie. nay nay.

SONJA. YOU DO NOT WALK INTO SOMEONES BEDROOM IN FRONT OF THEIR PARTNER IN A SILK NIGHTGOWN WITH IT COMPLETELY OPEN AND HUG AND KISS THEIR BOYFRIEND.

ESPECIALLY DAROTA. SHE WILL CUT YOU.

I meannnnnnnnn.

:: chrisley knows best ::

IT’S BACK AND I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET BUT I’M EXCITED.

:: bobby flay ::

at the awarding of his star on the hollywood walk of fame

“someone” (I hope it was the wife – slow clap for you girl) flew a cheater banner through the air (via)

I mean, two for you glen coco. you go.

:: mazel of the week ::

southern charm, please don’t go!

I need more Shep and Cameron one liners in my life! PLEASE! Don’t leave me!

between MJ of Shah’s and Shep I have a really hard time choosing my spirit animal of the week.

once again, didnt read back through this and went to bed,

soooooo sorry I’m not sorry for all the things that make no sense.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: lusts for the week ::

June 2, 2015

I have plans for a non-wishlist-wednesday post tomorrow,

so here are my lusts for the week!

{racerback tank dress} hello perfect dress for summer!

{pendant necklace}

{striped pumps} and can’t beat the price!

{navy strappy romper}

{woven earrings}

{twistback jersey maxi}

{kate spade striped top} on super sale! love this striped dress too!

{printed romper} under $100

{tory burch sandals} on sale! also love these tory burch sandals on sale too!

{ lily maxi }

health, Lifestyle

:: monday musings ::

June 1, 2015

image

I hope you all had a great weekend!

I am still recovering from our night out watching the Blackhawks game…. very worth it!

This post is super random and rambling, just a heads up 🙂

With it being the first day in a new month, also a Monday, and kind of the start of summertime, I’m having one of those “diet starts monday” mentalities big time.

I came across Jeff Sanders and his 5 AM Club and want to try to wake up at least one day (ideally two) to workout before work and a few other things so that I have more time at night.

It doesn’t need to be 5 AM for me; even 6 AM will be hard enough for me. I am not a morning person AT ALL. I’m a total night owl and if Kip didnt make me turn the lights off I would be up until past midnight every night. Anyways, getting sh*t done in the morning would make me so much happier and feel like I had so much more time to do things I actually would enjoy….. I just need to try to remember that when my alarm goes off (ah!) So this weeks goal is to wake up before work at least one morning, but try for two. Say a prayer for me.

Leave it to Gwynneth to always let you know why you suck at something, this one being your latest health resolutions.

This “Why Most Diets Fail” was a good read though. And by good I meannnnnnn why can’t cheeseburgers be a part of healthy diet again?

I love working out at home and YouTube is an endless source of great free workouts.

This week I’m excited to try Ballet Beautiful – theres tons of 20 minute workouts to choose from and I’ve heard great things about it.

Another thing I want to focus more on is meal prepping on Sundays for the week. When I actually do this, it makes the week so much less stressful and saves so much time.

I made some overnight oats for breakfast (if they’re good I’ll post the recipe!) and have the SkinnyTaste Slow Cooker Santa Fe Chicken for the week for lunch or dinner.

I love the Amy’s Frozen Meals but I have gotten in the habit of eating them for lunch way too often, so hopefully I can ease off of the packaged foods during the work week.

but seriously I am obsessed with the Amy’s Bowls, they are so damn yummy.

My new morning snack obsession has been Kind Bars or Larabars.

The larabars have, like, zero ingredients. Okay, so 2 or 3. And somehow taste amazing?

I also tried this Kind Jalapeño Protein Bar when I saw it at Trader Joe’s and let me tell you – it is phenomenal.

we’ll see how it goes this week……I’m not crazy confident in my ability to wake up early and work out. ….. but I’m VERY confident in my ability to eat the kind bars….. so there’s that.

friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: friday randoms ::

May 29, 2015

image

:: one ::

I’m sure you all know (and hopefully have played because it’s hilarious) the Adult version of Apple to Apples game called Cards Against Humanity.

This week I saw they have an Adult version of Taboo called Awkward Turtle

I’m sure it’s not nearly as fun as Cards Against Humanity, but it would be a great gag gift!!

:: two ::

after six months, the bachelor’s chris + whitney have parted ways.

I’d say I predicted this, but oh wait, we all did and it was SUPER obvious

and about as surprising as the 50 other bachelor break-ups.

of course their joint statement ended with thanking those that “supported them through this journey.”

pretend its Bachelor Night and just drink for the word journey.

:: three ::

I’ve been waiting to bite the bullet on a new pair of brown leather wedges.

My pair I’ve had for years have seen their last days and need to see a trash can STAT.

I was waiting for a good pair to go on sale, because instead of investing my money ~~in the bank~~ on shoes and bags I’ll wear a million times I stupidly blow my money on dresses I can barely wear a few times, and I found two great contenders!

East Coast Chic posted about this cute pair that is 40% off

// DV wedges //

and I also love this pair Jessica Simpson from Nordstrom Rack for a steal.

// jessica simpson wedges //

I ordered the pair above to try out.

For under $50 I might as well, but my shoe luck has been awful this week.

I ordered a few pairs of sandals to try to find a pair for Italy and so far the ones that were delivered are all being sent back. The cute ones I know won’t be comfortable enough to wear all day.

There’s a slightly unattractive pair that has yet to arrive that I read great reviews on for walking all day, so with my luck, because they aren’t cute and I had to pay full price, they will probably be the winners for my Italy sandals.

:: four ::

I thought I was the queen of wearing my sunglasses on top of my head at all times.

I think the host of the real housewives of melbourne reunion has me beat.

indoors for hours shooting a reunion with aviators on top of your bald head.

I meannnnnn……..

:: five ::

new pillows for the couch for summer?

this may need to happen. they are so cute.

// striped pillow //

I should probably get a coffee table first though since we’ve been in our place for over 6 months and we still have a makeshift one since our main one is in the basement TV room. whoops.

HAPPY WEEKEND LOVES!!!

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

May 28, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

I feel like all of my shows were YAWNS this week.

sorry if this weeks coffee talk is as disappointing as my-boyfriend-andy-cohen was to me this week.

I watched things and things happened, but nothing really entertained me.

I realize this is what I sound like :

I guess I’ve just been over-stimulated with mayhem every week

and nothing met my standards this time.

I mean, is an insane amount of hours of entertaining television per week really too much to ask?

no, but really, I was bored all week with my shows.

who else is missing real housewives of melbourne already?

me too…… me too……

don’t worry I’ll find a way to keep using that gif every week.

To top off the bad week, I just found out my favorite reality couple of all time (I’d say I’m exaggerating but I really don’t think I am. I love them)

is stooping to very low levels and I am very devastated over it.

sure, I have low standards for myself, but for the people I watch on TV I expect far more.

Jeff and Jordan from Big Brother are on this season of Marriage Boot Camp.

click link to see clip of them on the show

first of all, you are way too good for this.

second of all, jeff you are way too HAWT for this.

third of all, you both are definitely too damn nice for this.

and most of all, the examples of their “issues” in the clip is like “she leaves pillows everywhere” (my face : WHAT?)

and “she leaves one sip of juice in the bottom of the juice containers” (me : UM…….)

SERIOUSLY???????

I want to be like Billy Madison and grab their cheeks

and be like ummmmm sorry to tell ya that isn’t really a communication issue. That’s just people being people, aka, annoying as hell. Tell your fiancé to throw the damn juice carton out, realize they never will, and just prepare to bitch about it your whole life or realize it’s STUPID and who cares and shut up about it and just throw it out yourself.

I mean I’m relieved because they ARE as perfect and non-argumentative as I thought, but my GAWD are you really so bored that you are going on this show with this TRASH (mike from jersey shore to name one) to act like you have problems?

:: Southern Charm ::

T-Rav and Kathryn are the most dysfunctional teenage relationship ever.

Facebook Breakups are nothing compared to the way they acted last night with the back-together-not-together-change-of-heart-within-5-seconds.

T-Rav : Kathryn looks hot…. I want to be together

Kathryn : I’ll dress sexy and he will be with me and proprose damn it.

T – Rav : wait, I have to be all in or all out ? never mind, I’ll sleep with someone else

Kathryn : I dressed all hot! That means you’re supposed to forget about the 9 million reasons our relationship is dysfunctional and we forget everything that happened!

that’s a horrible version on my part of a recap….. but they ended this 12 year old charade with a chase down the boardwalk with Kathryn yelling in front of everyone and T-Rav trying to get her the hell off of him. it would have been great except we saw the clip of it all season long so it was pretty anticlimactic.

cameron couldn’t have said it better when she said ‘dysfunction junction’ about those two.

I’m just super excited/scared for the reunion.

side note : why did we watch Landon set up for her pop up shop for half the episode and then never see than damn pop up shop?

PS. WAY more exciting than anything you have read so far on this post,

I promise I will make it up to you with the following :

Landon’s ex-husband is also the ex-husband

of Stacey Dash (Dionne from Clueless) and the father of her child.

see article here.

is your mind blown as much as mine is?

WOAH. and the guy isn’t even attractive. explanation: he’s british and rich.

I feel like I have more understanding of Landon now for her talking/crying about the relationship a bunch…..

:: the bachelorette ::

the actual episode isn’t even worth discussing….. I know it’ll start to get good but so far who cares.

nice try with a “to be continued” ABC…. a guy getting kicked off and talking smack in his exit-interview isn’t that dramatic but okay.

the best part of the whole two hours was the 45 seconds during the credits at the end when we see Britt dating that douche bag that left the show to go ask her to “be his girl.”

I threw up in my mouth a little bit watching it, which means they must be made for each other.

:: RHOBH ::

sonja on the cover of Latino Show.

what? this woman never ceases to amaze me.

also, her 24 year old sidekick/ “boyfriend” really gives me the creeps.

am I the only one?

and I just can’t anymore with Ms. Frankel, especially the crying escapades.

Bravo is really ramming Bethenny down our throats.

After an hour of RHONY, we have Bethenny in Andy’s chair interviewing Andy on WWHL…… I mean….. I’ve had enough Bethenny when the episode is over, I don’t need just her for a whole ‘nother 30 minutes talking over whomever she is sitting with a mile a minute.

I’m super excited for the Hot Mess that will be Secrets and Wives on Bravo.

OC and that show airing at the same time has got to be great.

is this show sponsored by herve leger?

“I want the red one! I’ll wear the dark red one! I want the maroon one!”

whatever ladies, I sense the crazy that probably went into who-got-which-one for the photo shoot and I like it. this one starts next Tuesday June 2 so set your DVR!

:: Jackhole ::

this weeks jackhole is my-boyfriend-andy-cohen,

but not because I felt like this weeks television on bravo was sub-par,

but because my beloved show The People’s Couch is nowhere to be found in the line up.

I love those people.

They are like my family, except they don’t know me, so they probably love me a little more than my family does.

This show NEEDS to be back.

I miss it so much that I started watching all the bonus clips on Bravos website that were taped months ago…… okay so perhaps I’m the jackhole this week whatever……

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry