The Sarcastic Blonde

:: COFFEE TALK ::

January 21, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

:: THE BACHELOR ::

GROUP DATE :
let’s get 12 girls who have probably never placed soccer every and just spent hours doing their hair and make-up to play soccer and then send 6 losers home with no real date!! great idea!!

I really, really, really like this blonde girl with the KILLER HAIR who says “I have zero ball handling skills”

ONE on ONE date w JUBILEE:

jubilee is super awkward.

so awkward.

can’t. handle. it. awkward.

‘this isn’t a hot dog? this tastes like s#!+’

…… and I really didn’t think this show could step it up from a sob story about either a mom/dad but with her, they took to a whole new level. she tells him she is the only person alive in her family. and then it’s date-rose time and DUN-DUN-DUN the rose goes to Jubilee.

(horrible about her family – awful awful awful – but seriously chris harrison ain’t lying….. this show every year gets more “dramatic” ….. sorry girls with one parent who has passed away, no one on one date for you! that’s not enough!)

I really liked Caila so far, but then she was sobbing hysterically to the other cute girl JoJo who still seems normal….. um….

have you seen this show before? Did you not know this was how the dating situation worked? Did someone slip something in your drink?
LOCK IT UP CAILA. LOCK IT UP.

if Olivia ever tries to act like its editing making her look like the villain of the season, tonight cleared all of that up.

Ben walks in to the rose ceremony and announces that he just found out that 2 close family friends passed away in a plane crash.

IMMEDIATELY when he finishes talking, Olivia grabs him to share her own important emotionally crippling news.

that she has cankles.

and she cries about it.

and uses the words “uh, I always try to be so strong” whilst starting to cry about the “blogs that have been written” about her cankles.

heres a clip of it for those of you that missed this gem!

WOAH. SHOCKER of the week. Lace sends herself home!!

this is a twist I never saw coming!! Lace leaves to work on loving herself! herself mainly because it makes me think Lace has some brains and doesn’t want to embarrass herself on national TV with all of this nonsense….. but then she quotes her own tattoo and I’m like eeerrrmmmm maybe not.

I speak for America when I say we’ll miss you Lace.

thank GAWD we still have Olivia to be a lunatic.

:: RHOBH ::

can all of you PLEASE stop talking about Kim to Kyle?
you are at KYLE’s event! at HER store!

it’s her special day!

GOOD LORD JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTHS ABOUT KIM IN FRONT OF HER FOR 5 SECONDS!

LVP still makes me INSANE.

preach kim richards preach!

and WHY THE HELL IS KEN SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE WITH ALL OF THE WOMEN AND SPENDING ALL DAMN DAY WITH THEM.

and he starts getting bitchy and lippy with Eileen immediately too – NO ONE WAS TALKING TO YOU KEN.

I.CAN.NOT.
GO. AWAY. you are ALWAYS there.
go find your own freaking friends for goodness sake!

Erica is still a goddess and I love her.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

get ready for what I say every week

OHHHHHH me gosh this show and these people are SO MESSED UP and I CAN’T DIVERT MY EYES FROM THE CAR CRASH.
even the two second clips they show from when the camera crew wasn’t even really filming and it was personal cameras, like lala and james humping each other on the airplane, I want to vomit in my mouth! who acts like this! especially with JAMES.

I just feel really sad for these two. I do not understand.

and I really don’t understand, yet find it hilarious, that Tom gets that excited and talks THAT MUCH to his own fiance about seeing a girls boobs.

but then I circle back to why I feel sad for those two, and I guess why seeing boobs is a big deal for a 30+ year old man.

like, seriously, I’m laughing so hard – even in this photo you can see that he is SO EXCITED.

(other tom looks like he’s thinking “oh shoot copy him!!! stare and play with my hair to keep up the act that I am actually interested in women!!!)

jax continues to BOGGLE MY MIND.

the level of pathological lying and complete and utter care for anyone elses emotions is INSANE.

he KNOWS he is wearing a microphone and on film when he says things, he KNOWS its going to air on television and people will see it, and he STILL thinks he can deny it.

and then he’s on WWHL and still trying to deny it slash act like its a different situation and deflect to something else.

HE IS TERRIFYING.

and more terrifying is brittany. what is wrong with YOU for dating him!!??

and to add to the 587 page list of things wrong with him, HE WEARS HEADBANDS.

ALSO, MOST TERRIFYING :

what is this about not being able to drink legally on the beach in Hawaii?

Note to self: it’s OKAY that you haven’t made it to Hawaii….. move it on down the bucket list……

fly 10 hours to not be able to even have a cocktail on the beach? huh? this has to just be limited to where these low lifes are staying because that makes NO sense.
(I just said ‘these low lifes’…… I am turning in to my mother….)

:: GIRLFRIENDS GUIDE TO DIVORCE ::

get ready for what I say EVERY WEEK.

this show is amazing, I love all of these characters.

who knew Bravo could come up with a show that has such a great mix of female friendship, love, sex, humor, sadness, ALL OF IT.

I feel all of the feels when I watch this show. and I want to be BFF with all four of them.

you know who I totally forgot about and my mother-nance-pants reminded me of?

Janeane Garafalo! Remember she was the random friend who stole her kids and ran away in the middle of the night!? Never to be heard from again!?

And they just hoped we’d forget or something?

Well done Bravo, you can read me like a book, because I completely forgot she even existed.

Jo is such a better character. Love.

and I won’t ruin anything for those not caught up, but they seriously have a cliff hanger for each episode this week I was like NO NO NO NO!!!!!

:: NEWLYWEDS THE FIRST YEAR ::
oh my goodness are any of you watching this season?
oh my. so many things, but these two.

week after week the more I learn the more my face is that emoji with the giant unblinking eyes.
and the couple with the husband that slept with 14 hookers in brazil and has a polygamist dad?! you read that correctly. YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT STUFF UP.

:: mazel of the week ::
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it goes to lala.
specifically, to lala’s breast implants.
if you’ve been reading for awhile you know I have a bit of boobsession.

I meannnnnn that rank up there with the best of ’em for being small and normal and completely natural looking!
everything else with lala I’ll pass on, but I know how to compliment a lady where a compliment is due!!!
and I really did google a bunch of combinations of things to find a more acceptable picture but SORRY IM NOT SORRY this is all I saw in google images to get the point across. it’s not like I’m appropriate with other stuff anyways…… and pasties make it totally acceptable, right? right!

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

Lifestyle

:: link love ::

January 20, 2016

OH HEY!

it’s freaking freezing outside and I’M SICK OF IT.

some random links for today!

{one}

How to Take Care of Your Beauty Blender (link)

I am the worst person EVER with washing make up brushes.

and by worst ever I mean I never wash them.

I try to wash the beauty blender but I know theres still stuff all caked in there.

…… at least I always wash my face at night the last few years….. baby steps…..

{two}

I’m just now reading articles on Making a Murderer online, even though I finished it almost 2 weeks ago. Apparently I didn’t waste enough time watching it on Netflix because everyone keeps saying “well have you read this….. well have you gone to the message boards….well theres so much you still don’t know”

image

I’m like PEOPLE PEOPLE since when is everyone better at me than wasting time?! You all are looking down on me and I PROMISE I’m just not living up to my full potential of falling into the endless blackhole of the internet

This is the first article I’ve read….. but WOAH this one summarizes TONS of things they don’t show in the series at all.

yikes.

{three]

Toast 9 Ways (link)

I just really love toast. Like, love it. If you don’t I think you’re weird.

and THENNNNNNN

{four}

I found this for 4 Ideas for Rice Cakes

if you can’t tell I’m really hungry right now, and as my mother would say “THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED” so I’m dreaming about what I wish I was eating instead of going to sleep.

{five}

a few things I saw while ~~online shopping~~ perusing the web……

I love the subtle touch of tortoise shell on this belt

:: leather belt ::

this seersucker pj set would be an upgrade from my current mismatched mayhem,

and the shorts and tank in a summer print would be a welcome reminder of warm weather!

:: seersucker jammies ::

cute beach cover up for under $100

:: beach dress ::

loving all of the pastels I’ve been seeing lately

:: pastel blazer ::

:: pastel embellished sweater ::

and finally,

GIMME. THIS. SKIRT.

:: striped slit skirt ::

ANNNNNDDDDD thats it.

HASHTAG I MISS SEASON ONE CAMILLE.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: cape crazy ::

January 19, 2016

my next must have item to add to the closet is a cape or caplet or cape blazer or cape sweater or SOMETHING!

I like I like the blazer-esque capes the best, but some of the cute little sweater tops – especially with the under $100 price – would be a welcome addition as well 🙂

all of these are under $150, with many under $100!

:: cape crazy crapalooza ::

{bb dakota cream capelet}

{runway drape cape}

{red capelet}

{state of being cape}

{mural cape blazer}

{night cape in french navy}

{cape sweater top}

Lifestyle

:: monday things ::

January 18, 2016

hope you all had a great weekend!

image

some random things for the day :

:: ROCKSBOX ::

my current set of jewelry from Rocksbox is my favorite yet.

I’ve been wearing the necklace and earrings constantly. When we were in the Caymans I wore the earrings out almost every night we were there so I think I am going to purchase them to keep! I love Kendra Scott jewelry so much so I was so happy to have another box with her pieces.

necklace perry street gwyneth necklace in white

kendra scott earrings

and you can use code tayloroshayxoxo for one month free

:: beachwaver curling wand ::

shortly after the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in December, one of the zillion e-mails I somehow am signed up for had the curling wand they used, the Beachwaver, on sale for something crazy like 65% off.

It looked easy to use, I loved the clip and the automatic rotations, so I thought I would give it a try.

I am OBSESSED. I can do my whole head in less than 5 minutes and the waves are so much better in size and more natural looking than with my other wand.

I can’t recommend it enough!

:: beachwaver pro at ulta ::

:: barre abs ::

I veered way far off of my health eating this weekend.

ugh. I was doing so well!

so now that its monday I’m back on the bandwagon and will be stepping it up a notch again.

this 10 minute barre abs is my new favorite ab workout!

:: flowers ::

these were a bright spot to the weekend, and a nice distraction from the 0 degree temps outside.

:: pink salt water ::

I saw this Pink Salt drink and I am so confused as to how drinking salt is good for you and very curious as to what this tastes like……

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: Coffee Talk ::

January 14, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves……

:: The Bachelor ::

it’s already getting soooo good 🙂

I’m so glad the producers completely manipulate the show so that Lace is still around.

“I want to make sure Ben doesn’t think I’m some crazy girl”

— things said by completely 100% certifiably insane crazy girls.

also, she looks COMPLETELY different this week than she did the first night to me.

linsey, who I want to be best friends with, commented with the BEST thing ever:

Lace is 100% SNL’s The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party

video

she talks through her teeth like her and even looks just like her.
I can’t. too good.
her rambling on about her elementary school pictures and how difficult it was for her to talk to ben about it….. someone please help this girl. lunatic.

moving on to Olivia…..

her faces….. are really creeping me out…..

she’s being all dramatic sitting on the couch, with her face looking like this (see above and below) waiting for her name to be called for the first ‘one on one date’……

……and then when Caila gets it (like her, she’s adorable) Olivia’s face drops and it was HIGH-larious.
of course I can’t find a photo of that….
but trust me its not as good as the two gems above 🙂

….and THEN her face when she won most compatible on that stupid love-science date – just close your dang mouth already! damn girl!!

I felt SO bad for Sam when she got the lowest score, Ben said she smelled sour, and then sent her home at the end. Ugh. Awful.

Also, if I had to put on tiny white spandex and a white tank top next to all of those skinny betches on national TV I would have been like ARIVADERCI BEN.

On these group dates, I’d be the girl with the oversize T over my swimsuit in the pool, or like in a mumu sitting on the edge of the hot tub with just my feet in like “sorry producers, I was unable to successfully catch mono prior to coming here, so over my dead body will you get a shot of my ass for america to see mmmmmkthanks bye.”
or who are we kidding I’d be the girl that got drunk night one and kicked out before the rose ceremony even started…. PAH-REACH!!!!

:: Kardashians ::

Kourtney on this weeks episode after Kanye’s Fashion Week runway:
“Doesn’t Kanye’s collection just inspire you !!!”

THESE PEOPLE ARE MORONS.

and then…. this is the stuff that Kourtney puts on her app.
that people pay for.

I have no words.

the only thing more terrifying than this…..
Kylie’s video about 2016 and her Resolutions (video)

HASHTAG OUR CHILDREN ARE SCREWED AND THE WORLD IS DOOMED.

:: RHOBH ::

episode 4567 of Vanderpump really GRINDING MY GEARS.

she starts the episode with cornering sweet little Eileen about meeting her husband and the affair and acts like she has NO IDEA what she is hearing.

its not news. your ex – bff brandi even flipped out on her about it last season.

vanderpump exhausts me.

although I do agree, Eileen just say I don’t want to talk about this.

and then Vanderpump does it all over again to Erica.

and does it every single week to kyle!!

all while smug little ken sits in the limo next to her.

do you think ken gets embarrassed being lisa’s little toy and following her around and going to the luncheons and dinners with all of the women and then “leaving” when they sit for dinner?

do you think he has any idea that he is just the bigger version of Giggy that can’t fit in her lap, but plays the same role?

HASHTAG DEEP THOUGHTS BY TAYLOR.

bethenny is back and I kinda love it! I love a housewives crossover!

bethenny about vanderpumps magazine cover + party

“thats a magazine? bella? I’ve never heard of it? “

hahahaha- YASSSSSS.

bethenny to erica’s face saying mean comments but acting like they aren’t and then having the comments get meaner and ruder when she is hosting her at her house? not so much. lock it up B.

learn to bow down to the queen that is Erica cuz I LOVE HER.

“I don’t know anything about margaritas. And I don’t know anything about being skinny. So I don’t mess with her SkinnyGirl shit and maybe she shouldn’t mess with mine.”

PREACH ERICA PREACH!

I hate seeing this David and Yolanda stuff…. her saying she doesnt know how she would go through it without him…. him making not funny asshole comments about her breast explants. ugh. its too much.

:: jackhole of the week ::
I’m watching WWHL with ma-boyfriend-andy-cohen and he has eva longoria on and ryan seacrest.
{after CURSING THE TV that we didn’t will the Powerball. EFF THIS SHEEYITE}
kip just turned to me and said “who’s that?”
about ryan seacrest.
seriously. seriously.
I mean its definitely the most understandable out of all of his “who is that” …. nothing compared to “who’s barbara walters” ….. but still ….. he’s an alien.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

fashion, Lifestyle

:: wishlist wednesday ::

January 13, 2016

:: wishlist wednesday ::

a reader asked for help finding summer clothes for an upcoming beach getaway after my Caymans talk the other day.

me? the girl who posted a summer salad yesterday when it was -14 wind chill in Chicago?

Hell yes I’ll discuss summer clothes!!

Luckily, for anyone with upcoming vacations, there are tons of spring and summer releases already coming out! I always seem to have success finding warm weather dresses, tops, etc. year round at Revolve, Shopbop, Zara, Nordstrom, and Nordstrom Rack.

I always like to pack tops that can go with white jeans or shorts (fun backs are an added bonus), and dresses that work for day or night.

so while I’m off fighting frostbite, enjoy these vacation picks for you lucky ladies with bikinis and sunshine in your future