The Sarcastic Blonde

:: tuesday things ::

April 19, 2016

random things for the day……..

sorry for being MIA yesterday.

it was another long weekend with lots of work on the basement renovation.

right when I think I’m done with the physical labor, kip surprises me with more.

remember when I said to you, and more importantly to my husband, that after the kitchen cabinets I was never painting again?

so, like, um, someone explain how I ended up filling in 9 million nail holes, painting trim, and painting all of the walls down there. all of ’em! oh, and painting french doors with glass panels and then getting the little sheets off is a hell of a job.

BUT, as you read this, the carpet is being installed which is the final big step and then it’s just tiny little things (I hope I don’t regret saying that…..) and we are home free!

it looks so, so great though so I’m really happy. all of our hard work (mostly kips, but a lot of mental hard work stressing the eff out counts too) will have paid off!

I’ll share pics this week 🙂

Over the weekend we had fun lunch at one of my favorite Chicago spots, RL.

for those of you that email for Chicago recommendations I feel like I always forget this, but I love it for lunch especially and then you can shop and walk all over downtown after.

the burger as always did not disappoint.

it is so, so, so good.

also not disappointing lately is Old Navy.

I got this open back top and I am in luhrve.

:: OPEN BACK TEE :: also available in black

:: FAVORITE WHITE JEANS ::

it’s been hit after hit with their stuff for me lately.

this side slit tee shirt is still in heavy rotation too.

and I can never get enough stripes…..

:: STRIPED HI LO TEE ::

I’ve been meaning to write about Kristin Cavallari’s book Balancing in Heels that came out last month.

Overall I really like it.

There are sections that don’t apply to me, like the new mom stuff – but I still didn’t mind reading it and I suppose some of it could come in handy in the future.

OH WAIT – no. This part won’t. Because I do not think I’ll ever be making my children pitchers of homemade goats milk to drink every day.

because that is insane to me.

But a lot of it I really like and I am looking forward to making some of her recipes.

I mean, anyone that has her body days after giving birth can tell me what to do whenever she wants.

It’s my birthday next week, and I was already feeling old as sin,

and then I saw this “Suri Turns 10!” and wanted to hurl myself off the balcony,

she is TEN?!? wasn’t I just reading Suri’s Burn Book with my girlfriend talking about how she was 4 or something? wasn’t I also just watched Tom jump around on Oprah’s couch like a deranged lunatic?

annnd I literally just fell asleep with my laptop open.

so that’s all I’ve got.

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

April 14, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: southern charm ::
Cathryn is just SO confused.

“what have i EVER done for them not to like me ?

WHAT have I done?

someone please tell me!?”

ummmm…..
re-watch seasons 1 and 2….
and watch yourself and what you say and do in every social situation….
and then get back to us.

mmmmmmmk thanks.

and Shep is still totally my Southern Charm spirit animal and I’m still in love with him.

:: RHOBH ::

Oh-em-gee what a yawner of a finale.

if I ever hear the word munchausen’s again it will be too soon

(sooooooo drinking game word for the reunion episodes?! I think so!!!! )

the best part of this whole episode:

when each of the ladies walks into the hotel in palm springs, the first thing they do each time is ALL comment on the concierge’s pink blazer. it was wonderful. and literally the only good part of the episode.

and Kathryn is FOR SURE the spokesman for the vanderpump kool-aid blend

Camille looked amazing and was in the cutest LBD.

and was dancing just like season one the night sheyite went down between her and kyle.

HASHTAG SEASON ONE CAMILLE FOREVER.

:: RH of DALLAS ::

I just……..

(long pause while I stare at the computer)

I just really …..don’t…. know……

(staring….. blinking…… blinking some more)

I honesly don’t really have anything to say because I’m not sure what I just watched for an hour.
but I think I like it? and you know I’ll watch it and I just don’t know.

It just was not AT ALL what I was expecting.

I was expecting more of like a Beverly Hills Housewives but Southern.

Like, a little more class, and the same amount of sass.

Not this like…. farting poop talk?

I mean, I am not easily offended at all, and I’ll talk about pretty much anything, BUT potty talk is a huge no no for me.
this is pretty much how I watched this whole episode:

I don’t want to talk about poop and this word was said like 75 times in the first episode.

and something tells me it won’t be the end of it.

So, I need to wait until next week to really disect all of this. I think I need to re-watch the damn episode because I don’t even know what I just watched!

But, one thing I need to put out there :

LeeAnne is just so loud and insane, and Brandi’s impression of her is amazing.

But I cannot figure out who LeeAnne is a Doppleganger of.

Like, she looks identical to an actress or something and even her personality is a character I have seen on TV before.

I’m sure someone out there on the internet has claimed it,

because I never could put my finger on Whitney from Southern Charm until someone far wittier and more clever than me did it…..

update: left out who it was 🙂
LADY ELAINE from MR ROGERS!

cant find the side by side today. damn.

so ladies, if you know what I’m talking about, help me out!

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!!!!!!! I FOUND HER!!!!!

its this person! this gif just came up while I was googling menopausal gifs for my RHONY commentary below — it was like an OMEN!!!

she is the woman from that show GCB (Good Christian Bitches) !!!!!

that got cancelled and was HILARIOUS!!!

this TEXAN character was LITERALLY her!

LITERALLY HER.

this has been driving me INSANE. I tried to think of it for like 3 hours at work today.

oh my gosh I have NEVER been so proud of myself in my life….

ok now I can go to sleep….

continue reading as if this interruption in the post made sense AT ALL

……. post as it originally was before my outburst continues below…..

Okay two things : Kelly, the head of DCC, must be DYING at Brandi and what she is doing on this show.

Any of you that watch Making the Team: The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleads (which ya should, its AH-MAZING) know that Kelly would cut your butt from that team so quick if the word poop came out ONCE!

Ok three:

How old is Cary? I can’t even think of a guess because it really could be anywhere on the spectrum? Young and the plastic surgery has made her look super old? Middle aged with the pulled tight skin of a small infant?

Your guess is as good as mine.

and I seriously am loving watching Leeanne get all STEAMED about charities 24/7 this whole episode

but I’m hooked. there are no opinions raging in my brain so fast that I cannot.

OH WAIT. I keep thinking of a few small opinions, of course 🙂

WHEN DID ROCK OF LOVE MOVE TO DALLAS?

ok, but seriously, for me, like no opinions.

now I’m done

:: RHONY ::

they give me no time to comment on this because its on wednesday nights and I’m attempting to watch it as I write this post….

I’m currently laughing out loud at Ramona talking on the phone with bethenny on speakerphone while she watches herself in the mirror.

she keeps staring at her new breast implants and tilting them higher and higher while she leans back, hand on waist.

at one point she literally says a joke and every time she laughs she goes and looks at herself in the mirror to make eye contact with herself and laugh.

I’m DYING right now

and I’m seriously giving a slow clap to her for her body.

not even her body for her age….. just her body. I mean, girls got it.

i do still really laugh at some of bethenny’s comments

like her yelling ABORT!! ABORT!! in the confessional during ramona jumping on the bandwagon and throwing her best friends boyfriend under the bus in front of everyone.

ramona! stop it!

you know whats gonna happen……..

(annnnnnnnd Dorinda breaks)

her legs are spread elbows on her knees…..

YOU BETTER LOCK THAT SHIT UP RAMONA!!!

new girl Jules is like holy crap what did I sign up for!

“they didn’t take their menopausal meds

not that they would be my moms!

…… but they could (laughs guiltily).”

no, but really, because right before this Dorinda and Ramona are having hot flashes sitting on the window AC unit.

I Meannnnnnnn….. I really like new girl.

and then bethenny just WONT QUIT with talking shit about dorinda’s bf at dorinda’s party.

…… and just like that….. I’m shaking my head at bethenny again.

:: mazel ::

ok I’ve decided I’m going to like Dallas now that I’ve written four thoughts about it….

….. but mainly because I just saw this in my google images.

get it girl.

:: JACKHOLES ::

the people that cancelled GCB : Good Christian Bitches

that show was SERIOUSLY INCREDIBLE.

HASTAG : BY CARNIE, DID LEEANNE MEAN ACTRESS????? BECAUSE THIS. IS. HER.

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: wish list wednesday ::

April 13, 2016

lusts for the week……..

:: chambray romper ::

splurge (but still reasonable splurge :D) // steal

and I’m just really on a romper kick lately….. so,

more affordable rompers :

:: tie back romper ::

under $50, in four amazing colors – from basic black to gorgeous teal

and a tie back romper (in a beautiful green)

and another affordable under $50 roper, with lace detail in 5 colors!

now, if only they could make going to use the restroom in a romper as easy as it is to throw one on and go!

editors note : 47 Thoughts Every Girl Has About Rompers (HERE)

you can never have enough tan booties. ever.

I have snapped the straps to my target pair that are the knock offs of the rag and bone {just like this black pair, but in tan} and super glued them back together multiple times because I love them so much.

some say trashy, I say thrifty.

:: chelsea bootie ::

a perfect go-to tank with added details to make it special

:: white tank ::

:: navy fringe sandals ::

:: gold scallop sandals ::

the cutest floral top + shorts set

:: top :: :: shorts ::

:: A FEW TARGET HOME ACCESSORIES ::

:: blue dots vase ::

:: yellow polka dot vase ::

:: blue and white striped vase ::

and for your basic vases……. what every woman needs…..

I use the term “need” loosely because, ya know, do I need a new vase? or vase fillers?

No. No I do not.

but I mean….. it’s Target…. so……

:: threshold vase filler lemons :: oh, and they have (limes too!)

the set comes with 15, so theres totally enough for your 12 lemon centerpiece

or, if your coo coo like shannon badore,

put 9 in a bowl!

Am I spiraling down a dangerous online Target Trap, the same way I fall into a dangerous in-person Target Trap!? HELL YES.

how do they always get me?!?!

Italy, Lifestyle

:: Italy Travel Diaries : Positano Part II ::

April 12, 2016

I’m back with The Italy Travel Diaries,

today with Part II from our time in Positano!

to read more about our arrival to Positano, where we stayed, and our first two days, see Positano Part I

Day 3:

Our hotel arranged a full boat day around the islands to Capri and back.

It was probably 6 hours in total and something I knew we wanted to do.

The boat was beautiful, and we lucked out with only 4 other people on the boat.

No one within even 20 years of age of us, but that was kind of nice because they all sat in the back and we were able to have the whole front of the boat to ourselves – it felt like a private boat day without the full price of it!

Also, I can’t remember the exact cost of this but it was something very reasonable for what we got – full day on a beautiful boat, drinks, snacks, scenery – and I think it was all for around $60-$80 per person.

On Capri, we rented a scooter to go all the way to top to the little chair lifts.

This was a fun activity and Kip of course loved it.

And we only got screamed at by a cop in Italian once – which for Kip – is a HUGE success.

I had no idea the chairlifts were INDIVIDUAL and it kind of scared the crap out of me.

They also have practically nothing holding you in the chair.

Lovely.

my hair just looked amazing all day.

There isn’t much to do at the top but take in the views – but they were beautiful!

Then we went down to find lunch and walk around before heading back to the boat for the trip back.

Capri overall didn’t amaze us – it was crowded. The dock there is much larger than in Positano or Amalfi or Ravello or Praiano, so HUGE boats just unload people.

We really loved the day on the boat, but Capri was just so so. If we ever get to return – we would do a boat day again, but to one of the other smaller islands.

On the way back, the boat takes you to the grotto’s – we went around the blue grotto but didn’t go in – there is aline and the boat has to drop you off and get you on the other side.

Instead we went to the green grotto, and then went to other little caves to swim around.

The caves were gorgeous. And just the scenery all day in general of course.

it was such a perfect afternoon in the water and in the caves

(and I learned that Kip has a fear of caves….. he refused to swim in because the water could rise and kill us ….. how ’bout that? so I swam all the way in and it was amazing)

That night we changed, went to back to Brezza for cocktails, and then walked over to where Chez Black and Tres Sorrel and decided to eat at Tres Sorrel/Three Sisters because I had heard good things.

We loved our meal! And as always, right on the water and in the perfect spot for people watching.

The soccer games were all on, and of course everyone there was all about it, so we wandered to another little outdoor bar spot to watch the games with everyone before ending the night back on our balcony.

The last day was spent back on the beach.

This time we had lunch at the little restaurant right on the beach which was so cheap and we literally had a HUGE pitcher of wine for $5. We couldn’t even finish it before we went back to our spots at our chairs, which is really saying something.

One thing we didn’t do that I really wish we had was take the little boat with the red fish over to Da Adolfo. We were lazy and stayed where we were…. I couldn’t convince Kipper to move beach locales again 🙂 But everyone highly recommends that and then eating lunch over there.

The final night we ate at Buca di Bacco and it was so, so yummy.

They also have a more casual restaurant downstairs with a bar – good for apertivo.

There were so many restaurants I wanted to try and just not enough time.

:: leaving positano ::

on our final morning, we woke up and had plenty of time to enjoy breakfast and sit on our patio and do shopping before our ferry took us over to Sorrento at 12.

OR SO WE THOUGHT.

I hadn’t bought any Italian leather sandals yet because we were saving this for today….. and this guy that did hand paintings down by the docks – today was the day to buy it on our way out and stick it in our suitcases.

OR SO I THOUGHT.

so we go down after breakfast to get our ferry ticket and “no ferry today”.

it was slightly cloudy and that is all.

sooooo the one travel logistic that didn’t work out began.

he sent us all the way up to the gas stations to get a bus ticket.

we hike all the way up there – I am pouring sweating – and there is no area here at all to get a bus ticket.

someone there sends us to a little travel agency…… they send us somewhere else….. and then somewhere else….. and during all of this they share that no cars or anything else are available because everyone has snagged them since the ferry isn’t running.

SO we finally get our bus tickets and prepare to book it back to our hotel to grab our things and then book it all the way back to where we originally were.

I. Am. Pouring. Sweat.

Like….. drenched. I do not glow, my scalp sweats so much you think I’ve showered.

SO we get back into the hotel lobby to get our key and there is a couple that is discovering what we just had.

The woman looks at me and hands me two kleenex on the stop and says “I think you need these….”

Embarrassed? Yes. Appreciative? YES.

So, we can’t just grab our bags and go – we both have to somehow try to shower really really quick and then go up 9,000 steps with our luggage to the main road to catch the local bus that will take us to the main road for the big bus.

By the time I get to the small road for the local bus, I once again look as though I’ve been swimming.

The local bus never arrives on time, because there is so much traffic on the little local road, and in order for us to have any chance of making the big bus, we need to walk (CLIMB. UPHILL.) up the street all the way to the top.

On the way there are other people clearly doing the same thing…. all of us scrambling.

We make it just a few minutes before the bus arrives and when we roll over to the side of the road to wait, our friends from the lobby are there.

She literally hands me her whole thing of kleenex and tells me to keep it. There aren’t even close to enough Kleenex in there to help my current situation, but again, much appreciated.

So the bus arrives and it becomes like a madhouse to get on. There was no way for a line to form so people are just on the side of the road and then start scrambling.

The bus guy doesn’t open the luggage doors below – he says “no time” – so everyone with their huge suitcase is trying to get on and sit on top of their luggage in the seats. We made it on, so we didn’t care, but I sat with my legs on top of my luggage then crammed against the window and was on the verge of puking all the way there. I don’t get car sick – but yikes.

And we were crammed next to the nicest people who we talked to the whole time over which was a nice distraction from the insane nausea.

ANYWAYS – lesson learned : the ferries REALLY don’t run randomly, and get your shoes and your art and all your little things BEFORE the morning you are leaving.

BUT, also a lesson that things will work out – you just will likely be sweating like a whore in church when they do.

AREN’T YOU SO GLAD YOU READ ALL OF THAT?

that’s what I thought…….

We took the bus to Sorrento, where we stayed for one night, before going on to Rome for our last 3 nights.

Sorrento and Rome recaps coming up next!

Spoiler Alert : Sorrento was nothing special, we just used it as an easy travel spot to get to Rome, but we were OBSESSED with our 5 Star hotel that we got for an insanely cheap rate on trip advisor and LOVED everything about it.

Grand Hotel La Favorita.

below, I’ve copy and pasted everything that I compiled from friends and the internet for tips and things to do, etc :

:: POSITANO / SORRENTO ::

Sights +
Activities

* Walk the town!

* Hire
a semi-private boat to take us on a day trip to Capri

*If you
can, go to One Fire Beach one day! They also arrange pick ups in Positano by
boat, but they have a gorgeous beach swim spot, full bar/restaurant service,
play fun music, and offer lounge chairs, towels, etc. I’m sure you could cab to
the top and walk down the ~200 steps too

* “Path of the Gods” hike –
incredible views! We took the bus to one of the highest points in Positano and
the two hour hike ends up in the neighboring town – Priano – we took the bus
back to Positano

Food

*La Sirenuse.
Nicest hotel in town; go to their restaurant/bar for a cocktail and the
amazing view over the water.

 *La
Strada in Priano was amazing. They had a lemon pasta that I was OBSESSED with.
I still salivate when I think of it. If you want to get out of Positano one
night, I’d suggest the patio here. Also, offers a great view of the sunset.  

*Le Tre
Sorelle or “The Three Sisters”, relatives still run it and although
it’s on the main beach strip, the food was AMAZING. We also got really wasted
on house wine – it was just SO delicious. My husband ordered the red snapper
with cherry tomatoes and potatoes and loved it.   

*Chez
Black, a bunch of hype and always packed. Maybe for a drink and some people
watching.  

*Buca
di Bacco – get some pizza in their cafe downstairs. It’s really delicious!
Their gelato was also some of my favorite!   

*La
Zagara is an outdoor garden like restaurant/bar and some nights they have live
music! Try some of their desserts- specifically their canolis or anything lemon
because attached to La Zagara is a limoncello store/”factory” owned
by La Zagara’s owners wife; everything in there is either made/grown by them or
an artisan in town. We skipped this, but you can also go on the little tour of
what they call a “factory” (aka a small kitchen space in the
basement) where they make their limoncello.

*We
went to Le Sirene, a restaurant that picks you up by boat, which is SO fun. I
would skip Le Sirene and go to Alfonsos (Da Adolfo) for lunch (it’s right next
door)! They pick you up by boat in Positano and take you to their cove.   

*Casa e
Bottega – the cutest little breakfast/lunch spot that had smoothies, freshly
baked pastries, and wonderful woman to speak to. We sat at the counter and had
breakfast. It was less expensive than other options and really enjoyable!

*Da
Adolfo – We loved this! private beach/restaurant. They have their own boat that
picks you up on the dock and takes you to the other side of the island. Red Fish Boat, takes about 5 minutes. The
seafood was amazing.

*La
Tagliata – Restaurant sends a private bus where you go to the highest point on
the mountain. No menu – they serve you what is fresh and what they make and put
a bottle of wine on the table (or 2 or 3 ) depending on your
preference. Cheapest meal we had the whole time we were in Italy.

Tips

Note that the
beaches are rock but you can rent a lawn chair for like 12 euro for the day but
be sure to get there really early. You can also rent a boat or kayak and go out
in the water on your own.

Logistics

Consider the City Sightseeing Sorrento Bus to get from
Sorrento to Positano with a more enjoyable ride (10 Euro )

·
http://www.sorrento.city-sightseeing.it/mappa_coast_to_coast.pdf

Capri Boat Trip for the Day

Take the Funiculare to
the top, eat at Aurora for lunch at the top

friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: friday randoms ::

April 8, 2016

image

I’m starting to think it will never be ice cream weather again.

if I look out the window to snow flurries and dark skies one more day in a row I’m gonna lose ma-damn mind.

We are going to Florida with friends at the end of the month to celebrate a bunch of our birthdays,

and I thinnnnnnnk this little number is going to come with me.

and by THINK, I mean KNOW.

:: SEERSUCKER ROMPER ::

also available here in all sizes because it’s sold out at other retailers!

I’m also still drooling over the adorable Lily Maxi, BUT it’s twice the price. Yikes.

I stocked up on a new pair of my absolute favorite white jeans.

They are only $54, have the perfect amount of stretch, never go down too low when you sit, AND run a little big so you can order a size down and instantly have lost a pant size 🙂

:: white skinny jeans ::

they really are that great that I had to get another since I wore my last pair so frequently.

Since our treadmill has been shoved in a corner of the basement and covered in dust for three weeks now during this bed/bath addition renovation, I have had to try to find other ways to get my cardio in.

And while Tracy Anderson dance cardio is a good workout, it bores me to death bouncing around my little spot I’ve created in the guest bedroom and I just hate it.

I hate it so much that this infomercial is currently REALLY selling me and I’m like HELL YEAH SHAUN T!! I CAN DANCE LIKE THAT WITH YOU!! I’LL MAKE MY LITTLE TWO SQUARE FEET OF SPACE A CLUB. AND I’LL GET BOTTLE SERVICE. DAMN STRAIGHT.

LET’S CIZE!

so, what I’m saying is, I really need my treadmill and workout space back.

I’m losing my damn mind. and no, really, I want to Cize. Like… I’m thiiiiiiiis close to ordering this stuff.

I’m also wanting to order this flex seal liquid crap that is NOW playing an informercial

HASHTAG SEND HELP AND PINOT GRIGIO.

I found a great knock off version of the super cute sam edelman wrap tassel heels

:: STEAL :: under $40 at LuLu’s!!!

I finally saw WWHL with Kathryn from Southern Charm last night and my goodness that girl was so socially awkward.

Stop moving all around and fixing your hair and turning this way and that way and looking at yourself in the camera monitor and just SIT GIRL.

JUST. SIT .STILL. AND. TALK.

are you sick of the “that’s enough” gif?

GOOD. ME NEITHER!

but maybe I’ll supplement with this one occasionally……

I went to Target last week and successfully left without buying a single thing that wasn’t on my list and that I didn’t need.

I know, I know. I didn’t think it was possible either.

But I am still daydreaming about a few pieces I saw while trying to stare at the ground and just make it to the checkout counter. and they’re both under $30!

This white fringe hem shell was SO CUTE and looked legitimately expensive in person.

I think it may be worth going back for…..

:: white fringe-hem shell ::

I also loved this black tweed version that they had!

and who needs the J.Crew striped bell sleeve top

however, this STRIPED TOP is 30% off right now with code TIMETOSHOP

when you can have this adorable one for half the price!

:: striped bell sleeve top ::

OK. HAPPY WEEKEND.

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

April 7, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

:: vanderpump rules finale part 746 ::

James is just repulsive. and this was his face the whole time.

which, sadly, I just realized is the face I constantly make (left eyebrow up, right eye squinting. literally if kip were to see this he’d say this is my face. damn it! I’m james!) I digress…….

Jax looks so much like Mufasa, especially when he is giving the angry closed mouth face.

my-boyfriend-andy-cohen bringing up the “sketch comedy” heated argument was just amazing. I think the beach-sketch-comedy-fight was the highlight of the whole season. it was such a perfect example of how truly insane and self involved these people are.

and also: NONE of you are funny. especially you Ariana. 9 years of sketch comedy lessons ALL FOR NOTHING.

james : “ANDY YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TALKED ABOUT MY ALBUM.”

my-boyfriend-andy-cohen was not. having. it.

:: southern charm ::

editors note : I’ve decided I just have to start taking photos of my TV screen in order to get the pictures I want for the blog…. soooo prepare for next weeks pictures to be horrible, but I am sick of finding NADA to use!

SO happy this is back. I love this show so much. Every week. Amazing.

Cameron and Shep and their weekly antics are always perfection.

Craig can’t wait to show everyone how far he has come….. from living in his parents house, to moving in to his girlfriends parents house!!

wow craig! you’re amazing!

I believe zero of the story of how Thomas got his black eye

but good god, his new house that he is renovating…….

oh my word. real estate dreams.

landon and thomas better not be flirting.

because no one should be flirting with t-rav.

get some self respect.

cameron calls it perfectly when she explains craig’s all-fushia-pink-double-collar-ensemble for “his” party:

“He’s dressed like an Italian drug dealer with too much product in his hair”

pah-reach girl. pah-reach.

not having an image of this ensemble is exactly why I am going to start taking pictures of my TV screen for you.

and last but not least….. the icing on the southern charm cake, Kathryn.

how how H-O-W are these people so insane to have ANOTHER baby!!??

WHAT!? this is so dysfunctional.

And why do you have to take 30 pregnancy tests to realize YEA, UH HUH, you had unprotected sex maybe the first 29 were right and you’re pregnant.

Also, Bravo: why must you show us the bag of 30 pregnancy test?

For some reason I feel for her, because despite her rage filled bitchy I don’t give a damn ‘tude, you can tell she cares so, so much.

as my-boyfriend-andy-cohen would say “but sweetie. come on”. wake up. it’s called birth control.

it is SO PAINFUL to watch when she walks into “craig’s housewarming party”

and they act like they don’t even know each other.

seriously. your baby is in her belly and you can’t even make eye contact.

(insert my mother nance pants : “this is what is wrong with your generation……”)

cathryn’s ready to CUT a betch when t-rav goes to sit with her (like, hours later, after a looooong time of ignoring one another while t-rav chats up a senior in college. because her being there makes total sense?)

Who needs booze to rile you up and act like a lunatic with uncontrollable facial expressions when you have HORMONES!!??

I really missed her, like, head constantly spinning around from left to right while she makes the most unsatisfied I can’t believe what is happening facial expressions.

You can practically see the smoke pouring out of her ears. Her mannerisms are just as amazing as they were all of the last two seasons.

Thomas awkwardly asks “may I touch your stomach?” and puts his hand on her pregnant belly, and

I MEANNNNNNN if looks could kill.
The father of your SECOND baby who you don’t even speak to puts his hand on your stomach and it’s like infuriating to you. WHAT were these idiots thinking!?
as Jane Fonda, in her oscar worthy role in Monster-In-Law, one of the best movies of our time, would say:

“the only time they think straight is when they have an erection…. and it’s usually pointed right at the trampiest woman”

I just seriously can’t imagine this and I’m bamboozled over it.

also, I still haven’t seen the WWHL with Kathryn and I’m super excited to catch up on it this week!

:: RHOBH ::

Brandy, ever the BFF and supporter, hands out tanks to Yolanda and Kim Richards at their picnic.

Yolanda’s says Sick and Kim’s says Medicated.
and Brandi’s is something about not being sober.
Friend of the year.

I love Cathryn getting glammed over by the glam squad for her birthday.

I mean…. this yacht for the dinner nighttime cruise around dubai.

I JUST CAN’T

I didn’t know that lisa vanderpump and yolanda hated each other this much?

oh wait….. then they just replayed a bunch of scenes and I feel like a moron….

I did know this I guess…..

I’m over this argument that has gone on for 3 episodes…. I’m done.

:: RHONY ::

I’m just excited for more Dorinda.

and of course it opens with droned!

how is carole still dating adam? a year later!?

and his instagram is him throwing herbs in the air….. this sadly makes me want to go look him up and see what other nonsense is on his insta.

we meet Jules the new Housewife.

she seems nice! and sane! (don’t they always though….. ??)

and her kids are named Rio and Jagger…. yeahhhh no surprise there.

bethenny just attacks her at lunch like a praying mantis
simmer down bethenny. back off. lighten up.

also, you have one giant piece of hair that is parted to the left with the rest of your hair and it needs to be on the right and you keep trying to move it to the left and JUST MOVE IT TO THE RIGHT. it’s like IN your eye balls.

and quit commenting on the new girls weight! you’re one to talk – and you just met her!

this is the stuff where I’m like STAHP.

but all I really want to do is share some Dorinda gifs.

god love her.

i can’t wait to see all the ways she throws it down this season.

fingers crossed for 3+ martinis at every girls night out.

but I really don’t get why she is with Jon. don’t get it.

:: MmmmmmK Bye ::

I’m off to watch the Bamboozled Friends episode…..

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry