The Sarcastic Blonde

:: friday finds ::

June 10, 2016

lusts for the week ……..

lots of summer favorites for you today!

now that I am down in Atlanta with sunshine everyday preparing for even hotter temps, I feel like my wardrobe needs some more hot weather additions 🙂

any excuse, am I right?

:: summer whites ::

I’m on the hunt for the perfect white eyelet piece for summer.

I love this spaghetti strap top and this off the shoulder top is so stinkin’ cute

the other big ticket item : white denim shorts.

I ordered a couple of pairs to try to see which pair works best (I’ll update you!) shorts are always so hard and nothing drives me crazier than them riding up when you walk.

eyelet open-back romper // eyelet dress // lace back detail tank

white denim shorts // champagne made me do it // white silk top

:: dresses ::

you know I can’t control myself with dresses… and summer is my time where it finally pays off. I would wear a dress everyday if I could.

I’m obsessed with the entire top row!

pink + white print maxi // striped tank dress //

turquoise + white draped maxi (also love this similar striped version!) // embroidered dress

pink jacquard tank dress // navy + white stripes // floral tank dress // printed 3/4 sleeve silk dress

also in love with this tee shirt dress for all day every day wear !

:: tops ::

this gingham shell is calling my name….. the striped shells especially too!

I need some more sleeveless tops for summer

I also just really need the moving truck to get here so I can get the rest of my summer wardrobe!

gingham shell // blue sleeveless button down // green ruffle tank

blue striped sleeveless // striped shell with pocket // chambray // red silk racerback tank (in other colors too!)

:: cover-ups ::

the white lace cover-up below is on it’s way to me. my friend has a similar one that I LOVED and borrowed for our honeymoon so when I saw this I knew I had to try it and see if it even came close.

also so in love with the gingham – depending on length + coverage it could be a great one to run errands in after the pool or beach.

gingham cover up // pink poms also in white // white lace

green lace v-neck also in other colors // white boyfriend shirt

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

June 9, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves……

:: the bachelorette ::

let’s just start by saying, as someone who has never missed an episode of bachelor, bachelorette, pad, or in paradise EH-VER, I have seen a lot of producer hype and BS and “to be continued” and part I and part II. and it never leads to anything remotely as exciting as they make it seem.

but I have NEVER seen ANYTHING from the Bachelor that was as good as BOTH part I and II were. it was some of the best hours of Bachelor craziness I have ever seen.

like….. by the end of Part II on Tuesday I was legit SCARED as if I had just watched a horror TV show. he gave me chills.

#dontgochad #nowillbebored

so much happened that I seriously wish I could comment on ALL of it. my brain is having Tourettes from all the excitement and I can’t control myself.

we barely saw Jojo this whole 4 hours- it was the chad show.

Chase gets the first one one one – yoga!

now, I don’t do yoga, I’m not calm enough for that “stillness”

but call me crazy…. I don’t think straddling a man and staring into his eyes is “yoga”

but, hey, what do I know…..

I did not know erectile-dysfunction-specialist Evan had THREE kids.
Yeahhhh…. how long is the show going to force Jojo to keep him on? Because I’m starting to feel REALLY bad for him that he really thinks he has a chance at being the last man standing at the end of this. I’m concerned for him. He really thinks it’s all happening for him.

when evan gives the ultimatum that if chad stays, he has to go, I don’t know how Jojo didn’t say “well can’t I just send both of you home?”

instead, she gives evan the rose.

and chads facials are so insane and shocking that she has to stop talking and be like CHAD WHAT.

when he says “is this real right now? you’re actually into this guy”

I simultaneously think SAY IT CHAD! because we know its total crap she’s not into evan!

and also CHAD YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS.

because he truly is. he is TERRIFYING.

Back at the house, the steroids boys are getting closer.
one of the best parts of Chad’s conversation with the runner-up-wierdo of the house, Canadian guy with Claymation face,

is the “let’s pretend you’re Hitler” conversation.

Claymation says “lets pretend your Hitler” to explain how the guys in the house are feeling, while Chad eats a giant sweet potato/yam/whatever whole and is like “no lets not”

and Claymation Canadian is like “Just take it down from Hitler to Mussolini bro…. and lets get back to our creatine shakes and weight lifting bro”.

also…. serious question….. why was Claymation lifting in this butt-out-starting-at-chad position the whole time? and in teeny tiny little short shorts?

I just can’t.

James Taylor is THE cutest sweetest human being alive.

and thank goodness he actually is a good singer and has good songs or else it would just be so painful.

He is SO sweet. I honestly don’t know how someone can be that kind and I want to cry for him when she lets him go because theres no way thats who she picks.

I figured out why Luke weirds me out.

He looks like a druggie… like he has that sunken in look of a rock star on drugs…. I look at him and think “did I see you on an episode of Intervention?”……
Also, he doesn’t move his mouth much when he talks (makes me nuts) and has the giant chiclet teeth and talks from the side of his mouth…. and most importantly he BARELY smiles AT ALL…. not getting the sexy aspect at all.

what am I missing??? I really don’t get it with Luke ???
what is sexy about this????

all I see when I see him is this actor, William Defoe

I meannnnn for real.

of course I have no good Luke pics to use online, but trust me

but really, he’s creepy. he like STARES at her. and if I wasn’t already so freaked out and concerned about Chad killing people, I’d be thinking Luke was a killer.

who would have thought the bachelorette would mess me up like this?

but seriously…. I think Jojo’s type is “Creepy with the possibility of committing a murder”

Back to Chad……

OF COURSE Chad and Alex are picked for the two on one. Surprise! What a new tactic producers!

Before the 2 on 1, Chad literally says he’s going to come find Jordan and basically kill him.

HOW ARE THE PRODUCERS NOT REMOVING THIS PERSON AT THIS POINT. it’s gone on FOR DAYS. on big brother (hashtag best show ever starts so soon), someone made a verbal threat and they were ejected from the house within 10 seconds. I’m beginning to think that the show UnREAL that makes the producers of the bachelor look like sick freaks is way more true than we’d like to think.

ANYWAYS….. I digresss….

when Jordan is talking to Chad and he threatens him basically within an inch of his life, I’m like JORDAN STOP LAUGHING HE REALLY WILL FIND YOU STOP STOP STOP.

he is SO SCARY.

I feel really bad for Alex walking next to Chad in those little combat boots (Alex…. WHAT were you thinking with that outfit? it’s not LITERALLY the military date, its just a hike!)
he looks so tiny next to the crazy pants….

and of course they send the psycho man threatening to destroy people into A REMOTE FOREST IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

and then Chad is whistling as he walks through the forest trying to contain his anger and in search of more meat to eat — this was one of the more disturbing aspects.

oh, I also loved Chad’s conversation with Chris Harrison. “I mean, they’re saying I’m on steroids and it’s like, I couldn’t have brought that here!” As in, of course I’m on steroids but you all go through my bags so I can’t have them with me so I’m going insane.

I didn’t Coffee Talk last week, but I just remembered and had to comment on when Alex suggests her and JoJo sit in the giant 10 foot chair and he has to jump up into it I almost died. I mean he’s so sweet and cute… never gonna happen though.

but in all seriousness, I think she is the touchy-feeliest bachelorette of them all.

but she just really goes in for the constant rubbing and touching. and she really goes in for the makeout real quick.

you can tell who she’s into by who she just dives right in for the make out the second they are alone… and the ones she just keeps talking to.
LIKE EVAN. now that we’ve addressed Chad can we PLEASE address Evan Jojo?)

the more I watch the more I think everyone is right with Jordan being the one…..

perhaps because the only thing that gets her to send Chad home after ALL of his BS and terrifying behavior is Alex telling her that he threatened Jordan.

oh, and check out chad’s instagram if you have no life like me just to see what a total douche he is.

Did I ramble enough about The Bachelorette?

because seriously – I’ve never seen 4 hours of this show that were as nuts as that. ever.

OH, and of course they still dragged it into the next episode

I meannnn…… I’m not even mad.

with Chad going back to where the guys are staying and scratching his hands down the glass for them to open the door true serial killer style.

ok I’m maybe possibly probably not done with that show now……….

:: real housewives of dallas ::

why is next week the finale? whyyyy!!!

because even though this housewife franchise is really weird and kind of sucks,
I am of course sucked in and TOTALLY into it.

I guess we didn’t realize Brandi’s statements about LeeAnne were some serious foreshadowing

i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again, Leanne is CER-TI-FI-A-BLE.

more than anyone in housewives history. duh duh dunnnn.

the night starts with LeeAnne telling Cary “judge” is an awful word, and so is hate.

mmmm okay. throw “charity” (DRINK!) into that conversation a few times for good measure LeeAnne so you feel holier than thou.
THEN
cut to the end of the night and she is breaking glass, screaming bloody murder, and telling her best friend “IM GONNA GUT YOU”.

I CAN’T.

and then in the morning……

just kidding. but basically.

in the morning she’s all…. “y’all know, when someone pushes me, I go to my dark childhood, and yeah…..”

you can’t keep apologizing and making excuses and then keep doing it over and over again! that’s not how it works LeeAnne!

she yelled so loud that she woke Brandi up from the depths of her severely alcohol induced sleep

I mean, even Brandi admits, that’s a pretty damn difficult thing to do! that’s how loud it was!!!!

yet…somehow Tiffani never even heard a peep? riiiiiiiiight……

LeeAnne’s like “yeah… I know I broke some glass and screamed I was going to gut you… but y’all…. Carny Life is hard. So once two hours has passed, be over it. it’s morning now!”

I mean…. she “isn’t Jesus everyone.”

She feels the need to remind the ladies that “she’s a person! if she were Jesus she would be nailed to a cross!”

I SERIOUSLY CAN NOT WITH THIS WOMAN. SHE IS SO DELUSIONAL.

ALSO. why leanne feels the need to explain IN DETAIL the poop story even further is just beyond me. NOT HELPING LEEANNE.

I can’t wait for this finale + reunion. watching LeeAnne attempt to defend her words, actions, general all-day-eery-day behavior when she isn’t at a CHARITY (drink!) event is going to be great.

:: im a lunatic ::

my brain does not function like a normal persons.

we’ve discussed this before.

I can recall ANYTHING that I do not need to know at any time. Useless information is a skill I excel at.

Two perfect examples of it this week

1. we’re watching Miss USA and it pans to the audience and I scream OH MY GOD ITS DEREK AND SANTA FROM THE BACHELORETTE!

like…. a .2 second reaction time. what is wrong with my brain? they were just sitting in the background.

and THEN. a really creepy one

2. we’re watching shahs of sunset where reza goes to do his standup and I scream OH MY GOD REWIND IT REWIND IT!

I see, in the background, practically blurry, at a table of 10 people, not at all what I should be looking at, the little blonde boy from project runway juniors, Matt.

image

seriously what is wrong with me?

I was simultaneously amazed by my useless skills and disgusted with myself.

happy thursday !!!

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

Lifestyle, recipe

:: crack of the week ::

June 7, 2016

My Mom and I tried a new dessert recipe together last week to make for the weekend. It’s called Chocolate Chip Cookie Brittle, and the idea is that it’s not soft and chewy like a cookie (no eggs in the recipe even), but that all of it tastes like the crispy edges of a cookie.

You bake it on one big sheet pan and then break it up into pieces like brittle.

At first we thought it was a flop and didn’t turn out the way it looked on the show, but after baking a bit longer than it called for (at least 5 more… maybe 8), it was amazing and was even better the next day.

One of the best parts about the recipe is you definitely already have everything in your pantry;
especially because you don’t even need eggs for this.

You can also add different nuts or butterscotch or white chocolate to change it up;
next time I’m going to add shaved coconut!

Let me know if you bake them what you think!!!

:: Chocolate Chip Cookie Brittle ::

image + recipe via the today show

You know those crisp, sugary, brown-buttery edges of a great chocolate chip cookie? Yeah, this is a whole pan of that. So simple, so addictive, and really unique! People go bananas for this stuff – I actually had a little business going for a while selling it because it became that popular. This is a fun recipe – patting out the dough, breaking up the baked brittle, etc. It’s a great recipe to play with, lots of variations to mention for swaps! Perfect for bringing to spring and summer picnics, and for end-of-year teacher gifts in cute ribboned bags or tins.

*NOTE: you can se a 3 minute video of her baking them HERE

Ingredients

1 cup unsalted butter, melted and cooled
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon fine sea salt
2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 cup unsalted, roasted cashews or pecans, chopped
1 cup bittersweet chocolate chips (60% cacao)

Preparation

Position a rack in the center of the oven and preheat the oven to 350 ̊F. Have ready a rimmed 12×17-inch baking sheet.

In a large heatproof bowl, combine the butter and sugar. Microwave on high power just until the butter is hot and almost completely melted and the sugar has begun to dissolve, about 2 minutes (alternatively, you can melt the butter and sugar together in a saucepan over medium heat, being careful not to bring the mixture to a boil).

Remove the bowl from the microwave (or the saucepan from the heat) and whisk until the butter is completely melted. Let cool for 5 minutes. Whisk again continuously for 1 minute, or until the mixture is thickened and smooth and no longer appears separated. Whisk in the vanilla extract and salt. Stir in the flour until well incorporated. Stir in half of the nuts.

Turn out the dough onto the sheet pan and pat it into a very thin, even layer with your hands (it won’t look as if you’ll be able to fill the entire pan, but you will–just keep on patting and spreading out the dough all the way to the edges of the pan. Use an offset spatula to give the dough a smooth finish. Sprinkle the chocolate chips and the remaining chopped nuts over the dough and press them lightly into it with your hands.

Bake for 22 to 25 minutes, or until light golden brown and slightly firm to the touch all over, rotating the pan 180 degrees every 7 to 8 minutes to encourage even baking. Let cool in the pan for 3 minutes. Line a second sheet pan with parchment paper. Flip the brittle slab onto the paper and then immediately invert it right side up onto a cooling rack, peeling off the parchment. Cool completely. Break into pieces. Store in an airtight container for up to 5 days.

NOTE : *we had to bake ours for about 30-35 minutes because when we took it out of the oven it was too soft and crumbly – not dark or firm enough to be “brittle” when it cooled.

Lifestyle

:: monday things ::

June 6, 2016

image

I hope you all had a great weekend!

We had a great first weekend back in Atlanta!

…. I just wanted to use a Dorinda gif.

We went up to my friends lake house in Lake Burton with my girlfriends from high school – it was a gorgeous day on Saturday and a perfect weekend all around.

I didn’t take my phone with me on the boat or have it handy most of the weekend – so no good pics!

When we got back Sunday, Kip and I went for a run (well…. a run for him… more like me panting heavily whilst jogging) on the trails and by the river while I contemplated who I had become.

Just kidding… but kind of.

We were like “Who are we? Those people out doing physical activity on a Sunday? We’re normally debating our next meal on the couch, tv-remote in hand?”

Did anyone else watch the Miss USA pageant last night?

I don’t know why but I always love watching these.

I couldn’t wrap my head around how Miss California made it to the top 5, except for the fact that her dad was Rico Suave. She was a beautiful girl and I’m sure she’s nice and blah blah, but goodness gracious she had duck face and serious eye sex with camera every time she blinked. I was like STAHP IT you’re making me uncomfortable, and of course I can find no good photo or video online to show it 🙂

she flubbed her answer to her question unfortunately, but I do think she got the hardest one.

I looooved the white gown with the blue detailing on South Dakota

did you see the latest Lilo news?

no arrests or drugs……

she went back to Annie’s London house from Parent Trap!

and I know we’re all gearing up for the two night bachelorette event tonight with crazy-pants-chad.

I wonder how much meat Chad will consume tonight?? Sure he’s insane, but the Meat Consumption….. It’s truly impressive….

but UnREAL premieres right afterwards on lifetime for some more Bachelor/Bachelorette drama.

see season 2 first look here

happy monday!

Lifestyle

:: we interrupt this hiatus….. ::

June 2, 2016

I’m sorry to not have a Coffee Talk for you today!

Between packing everything up, the move, waiting for my car to arrive some time next week (shipped it), and settling in with my family – it’s been a bit busy.

We are staying with my mom for the time being while we settle in and then house hunt to decide where we want to be.

I’ve yet to get Wifi on my laptop because Gosh Forbid the Comcast person GIVE HER A PASSWORD when he comes to fix it and has to set up a whole new network….. so that’s on my to do list 🙂

Staying with my mom is great for a million reasons, but today I just needed to share a quick one.

As I’ve said before, there is possibly only one person in the world who loves TV more than me – and it is Nance Pants.

What could be better than watching all of your favorite shows every night after dinner with your TV sidekick?

Watching them with your mom while things “droopy snatch” are discussed, AT LENGTH, on Real Housewives of New York.
{hand over eyes emoji}

I cant even figure out how to save a single image as a gif on her computer….. only images? HAAALLPP.

I should be back to WIFI and the blog routine next week….. stay tuned!!

Lifestyle

:: see y’all soon ::

May 27, 2016

moving weekend, and our last weekend in chicago is finally here

image

well, it’s my last weekend, but my husband has been living in Atlanta for a couple of weeks already.

I just didn’t want to share that on the internet that I’ve been alone for a month…..

you know, because tons of creepy men probably read my blog daily, and I just wanted to make sure to be as safe as possible 🙂

OH I jest, but really, it was just wrong to project “HEY! I’M ALONE!” on the internet.

I mean, I’m a bad ass, but I may or may not have been locking my bedroom door at night and like sprinting into the bathroom in the middle of the night and sprinting back to lock the door. Like a true adult living on her own.

Bad. Ass.

so Kipper gets back in town today and I am very excited to see him.

and I think he’s also very excited to see me….. because he’s been bored out of his mind. A couple ~~days~~ hours with me and I’m sure that feeling with quickly begin to fade 🙂

I am also excited to just be done packing.

Packing a three story condo all on your own is no small feat…. and there’s a lot of things I didn’t consider like How do I get this heavy ass box out of the kitchen now that it’s packed? Oh wait, there are 200 heavy ass boxes and I can’t lift any of them?

Where do I put them so that I can actually walk through the place?

But not to worry, like I said, I’m a bad ass. I got it done.

So, I hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend! Hopefully it’s filled with fun and food and sunshine! We have lots of rain coming our way, hopefully not torrential downpours during the actual filling of the moving truck like we had the other night, but nothing I can do about it.

oh wait! yes there is!