DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……
:: BACHELOR ::
We’ve made it to hometowns, where you see how unattractive someones family can be despite them being extremely attractive where we learn more about how strange these girls upbringings were and dad’s threaten the Bachelor. I have been trying to stay on team Arie all season long, focusing mainly on the fact that he is a good kisser that likes to use walls to stabilize a make out, but he is really losing me. I will say it again, WHY is Kendall a part of this? Sure, she seems like a “nice” person. There are plenty of nice people! She is a WEIRDO. And he is “crazy” about her? Really? When did this develop, before or after her love of taxidermy was revelaed? Before or after her revelation that she’d have no problem eating human if it was part of someones culture? Before or after you realize how affected her speech is and that it makes me absolutely insane, even if it is great to see her use the obnoxious tone of her voice to annihilate Krazy Krystal?!
Kendall’s hometown visit is first. I don’t remember where they are, because I had just sat down on the couch with dinner, blissfully enjoying hogging the TV all night while my husband was away for work, when I looked up to see their daytime activity: TAXIDERMY. And then MAKING THEIR OWN TAXIDERMY WITH RATS.
I had to hit pause, go to one of my other 7 shows taping, and watch some Big Brother while I ate before returning to this show.
SERIOUSLY. It makes “good TV” Arie, but THAT is the quality time you want to spend with your wife!? I mean, if taxidermy was her family business, I would get her having an interest in it. But even then this level would be too much.
Kendall on the date : “Taxidermy is like a perfect relationship, because it’s something that is going to last forever”
I never thought I would write the word taxidermy this many times and I’m ready for her to leave before I lose my dinner lose my mind.
We venture to meet her family, and Kendall’s twin sister (NAMED KYLIE!) seems as odd of a bird as she is. She has the same manner of speaking that drives me nuts. I don’t think I’ve ever said “exploring each other” when meeting friends significant others. Seriously who talks like that?
They eat at family dinner sitting around the kitchen island (for real?) with buddha heads displayed all around the home and then the twins have a lengthy conversation upstairs in a jewelry making slash doll covered room. K…. your family isn’t eccentric enough like Baby Dean’s dad was that became a Sikh, so I’m over this one.
Next up, Arie heads to Weiner Arkansas to meet Tia’s family. They seem very focused on the fact that they googled him and saw things like “kissing bandit” and “playboy” because it’s all the dad and brother seem to reference. Her brother, with double pierced hoop earrings ears, takes him out to the backyard “Cook Shack” to tell him he’s heard rumors about him being “The kissing bandit” and “how can he prove that’s not who he really is!?” What??? Did you get confused when producers were asking you to grill him??
Becca’s hometown happens and other than apple picking I feel like I remember nothing, so we’ll just say nothing happened.
Last up is Loud Mouth Lauren’s family and SURPRISE SURPRISE her family talks JUST as much as she does.
I always wonder how long the awkward silences really are. Usually I would think they are exaggerating it, but with her family, I believe they really are that awkward.
I feel like Arie is super into her strictly because she’s his type – she’s a beautiful, soft spoken blonde just like Emily Maynard was, but there doesn’t seem to be ANY actual connection between them. Every time they are around each other it is so awkward and uncomfortable that it seems like they are meeting for the first time on a blind date. I see zero chemistry between them, and yet Arie has to walk out of the room during dinner to talk to a producer and wipe sweat off of his brow because he is so nervous.
Her dad is a military man so perhaps that is why he is nervous? But her mom is even more awkward than Lauren and her dad. After they finish their uncomfortable exchange of words, she ends it with a “well, it’s been a pleasure” AND SHAKES HIS HAND. WHAT!?! I mean, you don’t have to hug him at the end of the chat but just stand up and walk back inside why are you shaking his hand!?
editors note : how many times have I used the word awkward with this hometown?!
Taxidermy and awkward should have been the drinking words of the day.
The one thing Lauren WILL talk about nonstop is that Arie said he is “falling deeply in love with her” Which….. unless I’m mistaken, and I very well could be because I do 17 things at once while watching, were NOT his exact words. There’s a huge difference between “falling for you” and “falling deeply in love with you” and in The Bachelor world it is basically “I like you and may want to sleep with you” and “love”.
But, hey, whatdoIknow?!
She keeps telling her family that’s what he said and that there is no reason to worry about the other girls because “she trusts him and there’s NO way he would say that to her if he is saying that to the other girls.”
I did the coughing laugh and choked on my water when this happened.
Have you EVER watched a single season of this show!? Oh Lauren….. you are screwed.
We make it to the rose ceremony and all I can focus on is that Arie’s bronzer/make-up/something is VERY heavily caked on for this rose ceremony. They got him a couple times where you can see such a thick layer. Like, when he uses a make up remover wipe tonight his mind is going to be blown.
He has a dramatic moment and pulls Kendall outside to ask if she is actually ready for marriage – because like, the girls inside that barely know him TOTALLY are ready for a couple months long engagement before breaking up. She obviously isn’t, but tricks him with her hippie banter and he picks KENDALL?!?!?! OVER TIA.
I can’t. No words.
And then they end it with MORE.
RAT.
TAXIDERMY.
STAGE.
ACTING.
Arie. Kendall belongs in Paradise, not in the final 3.
:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::
The group is going to go to Big Bear, where Scheana has been going with Rob for 11 years. Because Scheana and Rob have been soulmates since the moment they met 11 years ago, so she’s been going for, like, 11 years. Well… sure….. 11 years minus the 6 she was married…. but other than those she spent ever waking moment with or thinking about Rob the entire time. Stop trying to steal her smile people!
A bunch of the group (read: all except Stassi/Katie/mean girl crew) is going to join, but Jax isn’t interested if he has to sleep in a twin bed with Brittany. He’s a grown ass 38 year old man. He is far too mature to sleep in a twin bed! Be a bartender at 38 at the same restaurant he has worked at forever after never going to college? Do drugs every day and drink until the wee hours of the morning? Not show up for work on time and cheat on his partner over and over again? Hang out with a bunch of people a zillion years his junior? DUH! But SLEEP IN A TWIN BED!? How dare a grown ass 38 year old man do that.
Ariana continues to awkwardly discuss her sex life with Tom, while Tom tries to buy a knife to feel like a real dude in the woods. Oh, and he slices his hand open trying to close the knife AT the knife shop. Ya know…. just typical manly Tom stuff.
Scheana is already acting like she is a part owner of the family home. This is “the life she envisioned for herself” versus her life with Shay. (it’s so awkward how much she basically says someone with money versus Shay) She goes on and on and on AND ON AND ON about all of the things that he can do as a “man” and the girls just sit in their silence waiting for it to stop.
EDITORS NOTE : Scheana is another good example (like Kendall above) of where “nice” doesn’t necessarily mean you bring much to the taple. She seems like such a nice person but damn she is so annoying. If I was her friend and had to listen to her talk about Rob all day I would lose my mind.
Luckily, Raquel cuts the moment of silence short with her unbelievably slow, California voice that everyone snaps out of it.
Unfortunately, Raquel’s voice only entertains for a short time, because then Scheana is baby-voicing to her dog that “dad” is coming up on the boat!
editors note : I’m sorry, but one of my BIGGEST pet peeves on the face of the earth is when someone talks to their dog and is like “let’s go see dad!!!” about their boyfriend. I cannot handle it.
As the day turns to night, everyone needs to quiet down and shut the heck up because Scheana’s Perfect Specimen that everyone should be jealous of needs to sleep so he can drive these drunk asses around on a boat tomorrow!
So they all reluctantly go to bed…. well… except James and Lala who continue to loudly talk/argue.
Lala tries to have a conversation with drunk James, but the only thing he can follow is his fidget spinner in his hand.
So …. until next week!
Oh, and honorable mention for my favorite intelligent comments of the night:
Jax : “It bit her in the face… isn’t that how it goes…. yeah, bit her in the face.”
Katie : “Square peg, circle hole.” I mean…. technically Katie’s is the correct shape….
PS. I really longed for more Raquel this episode……
:: Summer House ::
I just love this show more than life itself. It is such a sh*te show and makes me laugh so hard.
And the amount of boobs never ceases to amaze me! They even topped themselves and took it to a whole new level this week.
I love every moment, but asking Siri about the 3-Balls thing was absolutely hilarious.
:: Bachelor Winter Games ::
This is definitely the dumbest of the spin-off’s…. I’m ready for some Paradise.
WHAAATTT is Ashley I (Princess Jasmine) wearing on this date!? An off the shoulder strapless leather zipper top?! WHAT?!
Although this IS the first time in about 5 years someone has reciprocated any feelings back, so maybe that’s doing the trick for her this time.
I feel like I head exploded from listening to Yuki cry and make those noises all night. Truly. I had to mute the television when it was finally her time to leave.
:: RHOBH ::
I’m catching up on Beverly Hills late night so I’ll keep it brief (sorry)….. but UGH. I’m annoyed with Dorit (when am I not?!) all episode starting with the moment she answers the phone with “Bubba” and pretty much continuing through every fake-accented-moment until the end of the hour. But I just wish Kyle had waited until the next day to bring everything up! Because Dorit is just going to keep spinning it and spinning it. If she had just waited she probably could have gotten LVP to give her a piece of her mind….. but this week, she just SAT THERE.
LVP and Dorit deserve each other.
And Rinna needs to give a little less children modeling and A LOT more Rinna and her big mouth.
:: CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER ::
I could NOT be more annoyed (to be read in the voice of Chandler Bing).
PEOPLE. Do not sign up to be on BB for 3 weeks (the real one is 3 freaking months!) if you are going to send yourselves home!!! Barely any game has been played because two people asked to be sent home on weeks when something could actually happen! SO ANNOYING.
:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
I loved this clip for the This Is Us Sound Guy.
I can’t wait for it to come back next week!
:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
I had wanted to make Fergie’s Star Spangled Banner the Jackhole when I first saw it on Monday, but now I see that it’s been everywhere already and that it has likely been a hellacious week for her. Butttttt it really was the Jackhole?! So I’m keeping it.
And this thing I saw on instagram last night was hilarious.
I mean really though, I think those were the words.
But seriously…….it was just…. so. so. so. bad.
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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either. Or the day after that.
