TheSarcasticBlonde, Author at The Sarcastic Blonde

:: friday things ::

June 12, 2015

:: friday things ::

via

I need a small, yet big enough, cross body for Italy.

I have a tiny cross body bag/clutch that won’t fit everything I need everyday, and I also don’t want to wear one of my bigger/heavier crossbody bags.

I love the GiGi NewYork Madison bag, but don’t know if I want to invest that much in a new purse (I’m being shockingly rational~~-aka- I’ll spend it on dresses instead :D)~~
Luckily, I found an obscenely cheap steal version that looks to be the same size and would be a great alternative for the trip.
the steal is 10% of the price of the splurge! TEN! soooo its basically free.

// splurge crossbody bag // // steal cross body bag //

my favorite part is they both have the same cute tassel zipper that I love 🙂

and then if I end up loving the size or wearing it a bunch, I can invest in the nicer one to stand the test of time.

speaking of tassels, I’ve been eyeing some tassel earrings and necklaces for a while,

and this necklace is definitely the perfect one.

{ tassel necklace }

see more gorgeous and affordable tassel jewelry here

the HGTV obsession has been in full force STILL this week.
as I type I am finishing watching my third episode of Fixer Upper of the night

image
I really love me some Chip and Joanna Gaines. I wish I was as calm and carefree as she is….. she basically watches her husband nearly kill himself every episode and be like “LOOK! WATCH WHAT STUPID THING I’M GOING TO DO!” and she doesn’t even react.
they’re so cute and goofy in their commentary it’s adorable.
oh, plus I LOVE the houses they do.

this #tbt on Betches Love This about scrunchies cracked me up.

excerpt: Whoever said everything that’s old is new anything clearly was kind of right because betches everywhere are reverting back to their childhood behaviors. Not only are we sneaking naps midway at work and laying down in public (after a round of tequila shots), we’re also wearing hair accessories that we had thousands of (in every color) as a kid.

but you know what I loved way more that scrunchies?
those circle t-shirt rings you would pull your oversize tee through for a stylist to the side look.

not trying to be flossy, but I crushed it as a kid with my outfits with these.
(see yesterdays coffee talk postfor definition of flossy… I am now persian)
can we bring these back, please?

and I know this was a month ago,

but I just saw a picture of gigi hadid at the Met Gala for the first time
and I LITERALLY CAN’T. she boggles my mind she is so gorgeous.

this is totally what my face will look like when I step out to paint the town read this weekend. we’re like twins. it’s uncanny. boobs and body included obviously.

I’m kinda / sorta / really obsessed with this computer case

perhaps before pimping out my computer I should replace the cracked screen on my phone that I’ve had for over a month……. that would just be too sensible and easy to do though, so thats why its still cracked and I have to put my headphones on to talk to anyone on the phone. no joke. (the “temporary” clear tape fix my husband did blocks the ear speaker). I have to talk on speakerphone or be like “hey hold on one second let me find my headphones yeah its still cracked just hold on one sec I think I know where they are wait no they aren’t in that bag I wonder oh here they are hold on……. ok can you hear me now??? let me walk around with a headset on when I’m the only one in my house like a jackass because I’M SO LAZY”

{ wine cups from swoozies }

ok i’m off to fix my phone screen….. for real this time….. maybe…… or have wine I don’t know ……..

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

June 11, 2015

……. discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: bachelor in paradise ::

the chart for this season was just announced! (link) click the link to see all of the names, minus a few surprises and a few of this seasons rejects of Kaitlyn’s.

no surprise, it’s all the crazy girls from Farmer Chris season on the Bachelor and then TENLEY?? WTF? dance instructor baby voice nine year old tenley? please.

but ~~Ashley~~ Kim Kardashian Virgin Princess Jasmine from last season,

along with Porn Star Jane, and nonexistent eyebrows sh*t stirrer Carly will all be in attendance and IT’S GONNA BE GREAT.

wayyyyy better than this season of the bachelorette…… so can it just end already so that bachelor in paradise can start? please? please chris harrison?

:: ODD MOM OUT ::

slow clap for bravo. they’ve done it again.

I can’t even recap this show because every line was amazing (i.e. a donut is just a gay bagel) and hysterical and fabulous. get on it ASAP and thank me later.

if I had to pick, everything about the soul cycle scene was my favorite.

:: SECRETS AND WIVES ::

dare I say this is the best new show on television?

it’s amazing!!! and half the reason : it’s more about friends than frenemies yet still is HIGHLY entertaining. they laugh their asses off the whole episode instead of yelling and bitching.

I LOVE THIS SHOW.

so random but I have to comment on it:
when Susan (the only brunette so easy to keep that one straight) goes to dinner with her husband, the male host seating them for dinner is one of the most terrifying men ever, slowly but viciously chomping on his gum with a scary voice and everything – it was straight out of the godfather. holyyyyy moly.

susan is the only one of this show I can’t stand.
she is comparing herself to Liza (too confusing to explain all the blondes just watch :D) and says they’re so similar but “the only difference is, I actually made something of myself” and continues to be a condescending ass.

UM sweetie. you have on black lip liner and YOUR HUSBAND IS AN EX – CON. simmer down and lock it up.

Amy’s boyfriend ~~Arthur~~ ATHA is a raging lunatic. I seriously feel like he is a hormonal 14 year old girl with the insane mood swings and tantrums we’ve seen from the 2 seconds he was in the show. For Coffee Talk, we will call him AhTHA since name is only pronounced AhTHA. WHen Amy’s flight gets cancelled due to hurricane AhTHA – and its literally the hurricane not her psychotic boyfriend AhTHA I couldn’t stop laughing. Mainly because I got to hear AhTHA about 12 times in a span of two minutes.

liza, talking about putting dr. g on her lap and breast feeding him with her natural boobs??
I LOVE HER.

gail is truly insane. she brings little husband dr. g to the all female dinner in her GIGANTIC van cleef and arpels necklace (I have never in my life seen one larger, good lord) and is eyeing the mac and cheese like IT IS THE DEVIL. As in she really is disgusted by it. Macaroni and Cheese, and just cheese, disgust her.
This woman TRULY a robot my mind is blow. the only smile she cracks : when andi calls out susan for STEALING MONEY when she is acting like he is a saint. oh okay wait, robot gail is alive 🙂

:: SHAHS OF SUNSET REUNION ::

first of all, I love that they get to drink during their reunions. It’s like Bravo and my-boyfriend-Andy Cohen know that even if they wanted to say no, they can’t. It’s amazing. No other show gets that privilege….. but these people are professional boozers so I guess Andy knows they can handle it.

I love how there are so many subtitles for this show, and that most of them are for bad words or genitals. I feel like I speak fluent Persian.

New language to me : flossy. Even My Boyfriend Andy Cohen didnt know what this meant so I feel a little better.

for the record : flossy is like being flashy and showing off what you’ve got.

can you use it in a sentence please? OF COURSE.

when mike acts like he isn’t flossy, reza sarcastically + accusingly shouts at mike “Your girl doesn’t floss?! You don’t floss?! Ha!!!”

see…. I’m like….. fluent in Persian and Persian code words.

Seeing Reza without the stache is really weird.

Did mike really sleep with GG’s sister the day of his engagement to Jessica? It’s gonna get REAL RULL next week.

:: RHONY ::

something tells me kristin won’t be around next season. so far her role has just been nothingness/annoyingness/stupidity, and I really liked her last season!

after a huge scene at dinner between bethenny and heather, bethenny is like I JUST WANT THE WALL UP (blah blah blah WE GET IT) with tears and anger and a whole hell of a lot else I’m sure in her voice. I do agree that Heather needs to leave her the eff alone it’s ridiculous. Heather, you’re a grown ass woman married with children. Quit calling strangers made up nicknames like Beth and acting like they need you to order dinner for them and have to be best friends and braiding each others hair in 5 seconds. Back off.

I digress…. back to Kristin….

Kristin walks in the other room after dinner and says to Heather “She said I just want the wall up? What wall? She wants a wall up? What do you think that means?”

I SERIOUSLY CAN’T. YOU JUST LOST ME KRISTIN. Ummm no Kristin “pretty is not smarter than [we] think”.

And when she acts like her Nail Polish line is like giving birth to a child, she loses me even more. Nail Polish is not Skinny Girl…. not even close.

Somehow this episode I’m purely on Bethenny’s side the entire time, which is a shocker because I’ve wanted her to just stop talking the entire season.

OH wait. I forgot Betheny brought Sonja into her huge corporate meeting. Seriously? You should be ashamed of yourself and all of your employees should be mocking you for that one.

:: RICH KIDS OF BEVERLY HILLS ::

confession. I cried watching Brendan propose to Morgan.

I’m not even ashamed.

I love them together and it was great and she cracks me up.

AND THIS RING WAS UNREAL.

UN FREAKING REAL. the box had a damn light in it to illuminate the diamond!

:: RHOC ::

orange county is back, and somehow I took no notes on it in my phone while I watched ?
shoooooot. shannon makes me sad its just awful, ugh brooks, new girl megan needs to eat something-anything-immediately, terry dubrow continues to creep me out and my gawd their new house is stupid, stupidly huge.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::

The women of Secrets and Wives for laughing so much on their show, making me laugh my head off, and for having closets like this

(see videos of their closets here)

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::
My Boyfriend Andy Cohen for not bringing back
Princesses of Long Island

it was SO GOOD . HOW did it not get renewed?
I honestly want to do a full blog post with my thoughts and questions about what is going on with them currently,
like amanda and her boyfriend Jeff

and Ashlee and her dad

oh my gosh now I’m just depressed.
maybe I’ll re-watch the whole season this weekend…… no sarcasm.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

Lifestyle, wedding

:: wedding wednesday :: registering ::

June 10, 2015

as I mentioned the other day, our one year anniversary inspired a few wedding wednesday posts based on questions I’ve gotten from readers over the past few months about honeymoons, registering, wedding details, whatever!

Registering for wedding gifts is so much fun – what girl wouldn’t love shopping with a digital gun for things to start your newly married life with and having things you asked for arriving by the UPS man? – but can be overwhelming. My friends and I have discussed things with our weddings we would have done differently, and things with registering as well. So today I just wanted to share a few of the things that over the past year to two years we use and love, and things we didn’t need or don’t get as much use.

:: monograms ::

One tip a friend gave me that I thought was priceless, especially for me:

do not monogram every single thing on your registry.

me: WHAAAT? if it doesn’t move, I monogram it.

however, the idea is you may (will) change your mind on some things, and if it is monogrammed you can’t return it. I monogrammed half of the things, and if I had something I loved that wish I had monogrammed, I returned it and paid for it to get monogrammed myself.

:: wine opener ::

lets be real and start with what is most important. if you don’t have a good wine opener, now is the time. people like those new fangled electric ones, but I like the rabbit the best. plus it requires a small amount of arm movements – so you get your workout in for the day and earn your pinot grigio.

:: DIshes and Flatware ::

Definitely register for great everyday plates and flatware that you love. You’re using it every single day and will see it more than anything else you probably register for. Make sure you love it. For us, it was classic white { We did traditional white pottery barn dinnerware } For you, it may be something crazy and printed. Just make it something you really love.

:: Kitchenaid Stand Mixer ::

I meannnn you just have to and you’re crazy if you don’t and you’ll LOVE it.

ps. macy’s puts everything, but especially these, on sale a few times per month. so if you and friends are gifting one for a girlfriend, wait until the crazy sale (like right now, they are $200 off). that pretty much goes for everything at macy’s.

:: China and Crystal ::

our china is pickard from fragile gifts in atlanta

I’ve realized that not everyone does china (especially here in Chicago), and especially not everyone does crystal. I feel as though in the South china is still a standard must on the registry list, but I know “times have changed”. Ladies – when you’re fiancé tells you China and Crystal is silly, tell him so is (___insert pointless or ridiculous or hideous thing you watched him pick up in the store and you just smiled and nodded__) but if he wants to put it on the list, then so be it 🙂 I LOVE our china and crystal, and sure we don’t eat off of it everyday, but I have been using it as much as possible since it recently arrived.

annnnnnd obviously monogrammed is the way to go in my mind.

:: Knives ::

I’m sure there are a gazillion amazing brands, and many brands much better than what we have, but we have Wusthof knives and I love them. They were life changing compared to my $50 full knife block set from Target….. and when I sliced through an avocado with them for the first time and then almost sliced through my hand I realized DAMN these things are great. Almost cost me a trip to the hospital, but great.

:: hamper ::

sooooo, just sayin’, this is probably one of my and kip’s favorite things. it is so cute, has the two compartments, large enough to hold the INSANE amount of laundry we somehow go through every week…….love. this and our suitcases were favorites of ours.

:: pots and pans ::

again, I’m sure there are tons of great nice options, but the point is definitely register for nice pots and pans that will stand the test of time. We love our calphalon pans. and our le crueset.

:: food processor ::

I am obsessed with my mini-prep food processor, but for just the two of us, and for the city living small space, the full size is rarely used. I am still glad we registered for it because I know in the future when we have more space and more mouths it will get a lot more use (and I will fully become my idol Ina Garten when using it regularly). However, fine to just do the mini size if you ask me.

I also love our immersion blender, which takes up very minimal space as well.

:: blender ::

SO, we have had mixed feelings with our Ninja Blender. The individual smoothie cups are much smaller than other brands and don’t fit much, and the full size blender isn’t as powerful as I feel it could be. (it makes kip crazy because the size is definitely too small for a smoothie for him)

I like it and we do use it often, however, if we did it again I would register for the Vitamix. I saw no reason for us to have such a fancy, expensive contraption. But I realize now, a few people could have gone in on it, and why not just put it on there and you can get it for yourself at the end of the day?! (many places like Macy’s give a big discount for any items left on your registry after your wedding) I’m now debating just getting a refurbished one (much cheaper) for us to use.

:: Keurig ::

Kip and I have mixed feelings because he can’t stand it and I like it. However, I don’t drink coffee so my opinion isn’t as valid.

He doesn’t like how it makes tiny tiny cups and that the k-cups are expensive.

I love how I can just do a cup of hot water instantly for tea.

soooooo mixed feelings on that one…. if I were a coffee drinker maybe it would bug me too?

:: going off the registry ::

just my opinion, but if it is one of your close friends and you know their taste for sure, going off the registry is great. we got monogrammed tervis tumblers from friends and they are the cups I drink out of everyday. I LOVE tervis, add a monogram and its even better. it was such a thoughtful, personalized gift that is used constantly.

when buying for anyone that isn’t a close friend, I stick to the registry.

and to be honest I pretty much always stick to the registry for friends too and will add in something personal on the side for them in addition to it that I think they’d love. other people are super creative and much better at off-registry items than me though so what do I know 🙂

in all serious, my favorite things are always the $10 or less things that change your life. you realize you don’t know what you did without them before. (i.e. the tervis tumblers I just mentioned)

little measuring cups.

these little guys are used every single day.

its sad how much things like this make me happy.

and they’re so cute and tiny.

dual citrus squeezer.

when kip and I were registering, a random married man came up to us and told us we had to register for this juicer because it was the best thing they got. he was right. it’s amazing.

the avocado thing.

I’ve posted about this before – get on it. life. changer.

no, but really…… I meant what I said about not monogramming everything,

BUUUTTTT

AND I HAVE.

most important, write genuine thank you notes and be gracious and thankful that your loved ones were so kind to gift you and your fiancé something. their presence at your wedding day is gift enough.

cough : great excuse for new monogrammed stationary too!

but not with married initials until married!

next week : honeymoon information. I’ve gotten lots of questions about st. lucia and hotel recommendations/what we thought/etc.

and you can click the wedding tab at the top for past wedding posts on our wedding!

home, home inspiration, house, Lifestyle

:: home updates ::

June 9, 2015

I have two tiny little home updates for you today!

For my birthday, my mom sent me these ginger jar prints from Ballard Designs and I love them!

They were the perfect thing to hang on our wall next to the television…. it has been sitting empty for months because we didnt have anything currently that I wanted to hang there.

kip fought real hard for his picture of the lady at the bar from bed bath and beyond that HAD to hang in our kitchen/living room at our old place front and center for all to see.

said lady is down in the basement closet where she belongs in this house…… whooooops. to be fair half of my old pictures I’ve had since I was 22 from bed bath and beyond are there too.

also, you may have noticed from my outfit pictures yesterday that I started working on the gallery wall in our second bedroom.

I have more things to add (and need to find prints that are horizontal instead of vertical! everything I found and liked was vertical!) but it definitely brightened up the space and helps distract from all my clothes I tried on the night before being all over the bed.

the top 3 prints are from history in high heels etsy shop.

she also has an adorable blog by the same name and is currently living abroad in Florence and traveling all over Italy so I have been stalking her instagram!

the lower left print is just a postcard from kate spade with the quote “escape the ordinary” that I framed. I just got a pink one with another cute quote that I want to frame next.

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend things ::

June 8, 2015

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!!!

card from one of my girlfriends that cracks me up!

I feel like I watched so much HGTV and Food Network this weekend. Not complaining – I live for that stuff. (mental note: I reallllly need to finally order our new coffee table and rug for the living room…..)

I saw the pilot for a show called Sweet House Alabama on HGTV and this needs to become a show. it was incredible; even kip liked it! set your DVR because they did such a gorgeous makeover.

the couple on the show has a blog you can check out, perfectly imperfect, until the show (hopefully!) gets picked up for a full season.

it reminds me of Fixer Upper, another great southern home renovation show, but I feel like I liked this one even more.

:: weekend wears ::

our “summer weather” has been all over the place the last week….. super cold and windy, raining like crazy, warm and lovely, humid and muggy….. FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY CHICAGO. LOCK IT UP.

{joie top} {same joie top with sleeves} { jeans }

I’ve been living in this silk Joie top since I scored it at Nordstrom Rack a few months ago.

I bought the leather jacket after I got my paycheck from my first job after college – best money ever spent – its LIKE BUTTAH.

it’s depressing to dress for cold weather in JUNE,

so white jeans and my green cargo jacket have been the perfect transition pieces.

{white jeans} {espadrilles} {similar green jacket} {bucket bag}

for the white jeans, order a size down (and feel great about yourself because you just dropped a pant size girl!!!) they run large

and my beloved bucket bag is 30% off again!!

{bucket bag}

the navy sleeveless top was a great find from Marshalls.

It’s Michael Kors and you can’t tell in the pic, but the bottom half is sheer.

ps, you can shop TJ Max online now – whaaaaat!!!

The espadrille flats were a Memorial Day Weekend sale spree purchase and they are super comfy and cute.

{cap toe espadrilles} on super sale!

Kip was like “what the hell are on your feet???” which means “YAY ME! I stepped out of my usual TB sandals or ballet flats into something trendy and adorable!”

he hates trendy and fashionable in any way…… so when he thinks something is ugly I know I am ON. POINT. well not really, but it makes him making fun of my outfits easier 🙂

this maxi dress is 50% off and so, so, so comfortable in a lightweight jersey.

it was humid as heck last night when I wore it last night to dinner,

and it was the perfect throw on and wear summer dress.

{white printed maxi dress} {bucket bag}

it was our one year wedding anniversary yesterday!

ONE YEAR. it honestly flew by I don’t know how that much time already passed.

for Wednesdays this month, I’ll be brining back Wedding Wednesday posts with a post-marital twist. I have gotten lots of e-mails with wedding questions over the last few months, from honeymoon questions to fashion to registry things. So I’ll be sharing wedding related things for the month of June that I meant to share the few weeks after we got married last year.

friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: friday five ::

June 5, 2015

:: friday five ::

image

when watching secrets + wives this week (go watch it right now!), I discovered the amazing app google translate. who says bravo doesn’t teach you anything?

this is going to be amazing in Italy! You speak into it, and it immediately repeats it in italian. You also can take a picture of any sign or wording, and it’ll translate it for you!

look at that…. through watching reality TV, I am now speaking Italian.

SONO STUPEFACENTE (I’M AMAZING!)

for my next party, I will definitely be making these caprese phyllo cups

I love anything in a phyllo cup (these chicken pesto cups + these sausage phyllo cups are some of my favorites) and these look incredible!

my ideal summer ensemble

{ twist tie striped dress }

I’ll do a post this weekend about the 97 pairs of sandals I’ve ordered over the last week, and I was right…… the ugly pair that travel websites said were the best for walking all day ARE SO COMFORTABLE and SO MOM SHOES. dammit!

Rocksbox sent me a code for 3 friends for the first 3 months of membership to be COMPLETELY FREE!

so, first three ladies, get after it with code TAYLORBFF216

I’m waiting on my second box now and can’t wait to see what they send!

I successfully woke up early two times this week (preach). I must say it felt amazing. However, I still didnt get the things done that I thought I would by waking up early, hence the lack of blog post on Wednesday despite getting up at 5:30 on Tuesday.