TheSarcasticBlonde, Author at The Sarcastic Blonde

friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: friday randoms ::

July 10, 2015

:: friday randoms ::

it’s less than two months until we take off for our two week adventure in Italy.

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I am so, so excited I can’t stand it!
I’ll post about some updates for our trip soon!

soooooo I first heard the “I can’t feel my face” song when I was home and there was a warning on the radio before the song came on. I was so confused and had no idea what they were talking about, and then the song came on. I loved it because it sounds so much like Michael Jackson-y to me, and then the awful chorus comes on with the monotone techno “can’t feel my face”.
Am I alone in loving the rest of the song, but hating the chorus?

also, I find it fascinating that they have to give a warning for this song but not for the zillion others, especially rap songs, that discuss drugs and sex. or, like Miley discussing Molly. or (to be read in the voice of my mother Nance Pants) “all that filthy trash your generation listens to!”

…… also, it’s not fascinating, and I’ll keep my grandma opinions to myself……

why does kristin cavallari always look perfectly put together but casual at the same time?

her airport looks are always on. point.

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also, the fertile myrtle is pregnant with a GIRL this time around.

OH WAIT. I spoke too soon. she usually does, and then she went and wore bangs that are attached to a headband. a headband with bangs. seriously?? they aren’t paying you nearly enough to pretend you would ever ever wear this.

and speaking of hot blondes,

Kathie Lee Gifford’s daughter is in The Gallows (that new movie that if I see one more commercial for I’ll lose my damn mind) and she just gets prettier and prettier. She is gorgeous!

I wish I could watch the 10 o’clock hour of the Today show every morning .

I love me some Kathie Lee and Hoda.

I’m sure you all know about Nordstrom’s Anniversary Sale ! Eeee!

This is the best time to stock up on my favorite designer items like Tory Burch shoes, Marc Jacobs purses, Kate Spade items, and more at amazing discounts!

A few of my favorites :

{tory burch boots} // {tory burch sandals} // {tory burch chain link purse}

gimme those boots! gimme! my only thing is I need a really tight upper calf and so many boots are way too big on the top for me. does anyone have these and know the fit?

{zella leggings} other colors and basic black also on sale

{spanx leather leggings}
I love my blank denim leather leggings,
but know these would be far more comfortable.
you will wear them all fall and winter! and the price is perfect!

{expandable Longchamp}

I think I found my perfect carry on bag for Italy!
and you can also monogram it!

{michael kors bag} // {kate spade crossbody} // {marc jacobs hobo}
I want all three of these equally!! My black marc jacbos hobo crossobdy has lasted me over 6 years…. I think 7? I just know I had it a long time before I even met Kip and that I still wear it constantly. I love the white version so much!
I need a bigger “small” cross body for everyday in Italy and can’t decide what color or style, but this adorable blush pink with the bow would go with everything.
And I love the structured, classic tan later Michael Kors for everything.

hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

like that you have three more sleeps until Monday. pah-reach.

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

July 9, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves……..

:: the bachelorette ::

shawn can’t even say nick’s name. he can only say “that other guy”.

I can’t even look at him/listen to him and his drama anymore.

you can say “the other guy” all you want, but HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED still had S-E-X with the girlfriend you are becoming a deranged psychopath over.

and “the other guy” is going to have S-E-X with her AGAIN the night before you try to do it too on your fantasy suite date soooooo…….

and I said this on Tuesday’s post, but seriously, someone get Shawn a Costco size package of Clean & Clear Oil Removing Sheets STAT.

bens been my fav since day one ~~because he physically is the most my type, he has a decent job, he isn’t jumping into ‘I love you’ on their first date, he seems so normally awkward about the whole experience~~

because he doesn’t have serial killer eyes or stage five tendencies.

only kaitlyn’s first reaction to ben being polite and saying in front of the entire production crew about the fantasy suite date night that he “can’t wait to stay up all night talking” is “ARE YOU A VIRGIN?”

no kaitlyn. he has what some of us refer to as CLASS.

and he also probably has a MOTHER WATCHING THE SHOW.

~~and he knows how to CLOSE HIS LEGS TO MARRIED MEN until the camera crew is gone.~~

I literally can’t even. I’m sorry. I can’t.

Joe saying “Did I stutter?” when confessing his love to Kaitlyn before being dumped mere moments later ~~was so sad and I feel awful for him~~ was hilarious and I rewound it 4 times.

I did feel really bad for ~~whats his face~~ Jared (why can’t I remember ANYONES name this season??) going home. He was so sweet about getting sent home too. Tries to give her his jacket and everything.

I can’t believe they stay in Ireland for The Fantasy Suite Week. WHAT? Ireland looks amazing, but come on, send them somewhere WARM they’re freezing!! This proves that ABC knows when it’s The Bachelor they want the girls in bikinis, and they’ll take you to Thailand or Fiji or anywhere else you want to go, but not the other way around.

~~but it hasn’t stopped anyone from taking their clothes off so far~~

most importantly…. only a few more weeks until Bachelor In Paradise, where sheyite will get real. PAH-REACH.

PS. Thank you to Kelsey for telling me about the scripted show about the making of a bachelor-reality-show called Unreal on Lifetime (Lifetime has the best shady TV shows ever). I haven’t even seen it yet and I am already basing my Friday night plans around it. And you know I’m absolutely not joking in any way. It looks INCREDIBLE.

also, while I’m thanking of all you for always keeping me up to date on things I need to know (nonsense), miss garlic thank you for always giving me the best commentary ever – like how Shawn’s nickname on a podcast called The Right Reasons is Ryan Shnozling. Can’t. Even. soooo when I’m not watching Unreal this weekend, I’ll be listening to this podcast.

:: ben affleck and jen garner::

what are our thoughts on this?

because I forgot to mention it last week, but in my group text with my girlfriends all my thoughts went straight to j.lo and then a battle of “why do you love J.Lo but hate on Kim Kardashian?” ensued and I went single white female crazy ass beyotch defending my J. Lo and bringing up Kim Ksex tape and Ray J ……. and then it spiraled out of control and I forgot we were talking about ben affleck and jennifer garners divorce.

……. now I’m all riled up again about the defending J. Lo being even compareddddddd to Kim K and I can’t focus again……..

:: RHONY ::

they are all just such a hot mess on this trip I love it.

I can’t wait to see LuAnn say the “don’t be all uncool” line next week about the man sleeping in the bedroom next to heather + carol’s room.

I mean come on y’all lighten up

ugh bethenny is back at it this week.

just let people say what they want and sit silently, then talk about them behind their back or in your confessional thing later like everyone else!

heather is right, she does think she’s the authority on everything.

but so does heather. and therein lies the problem between these two.

they both need to just listen to dorota and “BACK THAT SHIT UP AND BACK IT UP QUICK”.

I love Dorota, even though she was a total too many martinis cry baby drunk this week, but I’ll forgive her.

:: Flipping Out ::

I was trying to watch flipping out while I wrote this post, and I had to rewind and re-watch the same scenes over and over again because I kept missing things and would be laughing because I only caught the end of it and knew I needed to see all of it. This show kills me.

I just love Jeff Lewis so much. And Jenni. And all of them. I know I post these every season and every time I mention him……. but it really sums up what I look for in people and how I know we would be compatible.

too many photo bomb pictures?

sorry I’m not sorry, I saved the best for last!

um, YOU’RE WELCOME because I know those just made your day.

and if not, you are reading the wrong blog people.

(Al I know they made yours at least).

but seriously, the scene this week of Jenni and Jesse in his truck on the way to the job site I was crying laughing. tears.

:: The Gallows ::

how many damn commercials for The Gallows horror movie are going to play on Bravo every hour?? Every commercial break?? because I can’t get to the remote fast enough to change the channel or fast forward EVERY time. and I am a professional channel changer/fast-forwarder. How does it keep scaring the living daylights out of me when I don’t even watch commercials??? HOW!?

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK ::

Britt and KODY (its with a C but the K is more fitting )

Why do I remember his name, but no one else’s? Oh, because its KODY.

Can you even IMAGINE if she was the bachelorette this season?

Imagine how many tubes of lipstick she would have eaten these past few weeks on the show?

Imagine how many tubes of lipstick she has eaten in her LIFETIME?

Jackhole to ABC for showing us these stupid updates to their ridiculous relationship. SERIOUSLYYYYYY ABC we have standards. They aren’t high, but we have ’em.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: wishlist wednesday ::

July 8, 2015

:: lusts for the week ::

the struggle is real, people. the struggle is real.

{ I Want Pizza More }

annnnnnd speaking of pizza, I’m totes buying this pizza raft for my mom’s pool.

{ pizza raft }

isn’t it the cutest thing EVER!?

I found the perfect striped tank for under $25.
I love the racerback and the two layers with different striped patterns. .

{ double layer racerback tank }

you may be one of those people that has so many pouches you couldn’t possibly have another,

but you’re wrong.

random crap pouch // wake up kick ass pouch

these saddle cross body bags are on SUPER SALE at neiman marcus last call for UNDER $30!! who needs a gazillion dollar chloe purse when you can have this (AND an inflatable pizza float……why not just go crazy!) for a fraction of the cost.

{ cross body saddle bag }

I have been all about the halter cut this summer, especially since I got this dress

does this make me a tween? (whats next, choker necklaces? ah I hope not!)

but I love love love them lately.

the super skinny straps aren’t the best on my linebacker shoulders but they make my arms look skinny so I don’t give a damn.

blue print halter // halter dress // pink top // printed romper

this weeks favorite halter is of course a business-in-the-front-party-in-the-back.

I think one of the worst parts of getting ~~old and lame~~ older for me is going to be that the time will come when I cannot wear an open back. UGH.

{open back halter}

my splurge worthy pick of the week is this silk top. obsessed. I would live in it.

{ silk printed blouse }

fashion, Lifestyle

:: cupcakes and cashmere :: and crybaby shawn ::

July 7, 2015

side note on The Bachelorette, because I’m watching as I write this post:

how many times did Shawn say “the other guy” and refuse to say Nick’s name last night? the drinking game for next weeks episode is definitely “the other guy”, or better yet, him acting like a total crazy pants drama queen. eerling without ever raising his voice which makes it even scarier.

has he even smiled in, like, 7 weeks? this is the only face he has made..

and PLEASE someone get this kid one of those face oil absorbing face sheets FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

anyyyyyways.

Cupcakes and Cashmere was one of the blogs I read when I first started getting into blogs years ago. She does a good job blending feminine and pretty with a little bit of edge; I feel like her style can translate into so many peoples wardrobes. She has a new clothing collection out with Nordstrom, and also with other pieces at Shopbop. I love the neutral color palate of her clothes and how they can blend into so many different styles. So many of her pieces are staples that you can keep going back to and wear and re-wear. and the prices are all so reasonable.

a perfect floral + navy for summer

{ romper } { button back top } { fit and flare dress }

{ romper }

{striped dress }

tanks with little lace detail that can be worn year round under a blazer

{ lace trim tank }

if you still don’t have a military jacket, grab one. its the most comfortable and most frequently worn piece of outwear I own.

{ presidio military jacket }

this chambray has a slightly longer length which I love, or can be tied for a shorter look.

{ chambray shirt }

and for when the cooler temps arrive again…… the perfect coat and sweater.

this coat has a classic cut and color and would be timeless in any wardrobe.

{ cream twill coat }

classic cable knit in the front, edgy party surprise in the back

{ cable knit sweater }

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend recap ::

July 6, 2015

I am not ready for Monday and a new workweek, but I am ready for a few nights of good sleep!

My sister was in town for the 4th of July weekend and it was gorgeous and warm here in Chicago.

Lots of food and lots of outdoor time with friends.

Some pictures of the weekend below :

We had brunch at one of our favorite spots, Summer House

{vineyard vines dress}

afterwards we went shopping and walked our way back towards our place; we finally stopped at a bar we’d never been to with the cutest beer garden (Will’s on Racine)

we had lots of food and snacks for our friends rooftop for the 4th of July.

I gave a patriotic twist to my seven layer dip with a flag on top. if you ask me, it was the cutest thing ever 🙂

isn’t it adorable???

my new cocktail obsession is the blood orange san pellegrino with some club soda (I don’t want to do it with club soda but made the mistake of reading the insane amount of sugar in one can of these damn things. they taste SO good though)

I chose a very festive red white and blue romper for the occasion, and my favorite jean jacket for when it inevitably got chilly

{eight sixty romper}

I just realllllly wish they would start making like snap-closure-crotches or something so you don’t have to get nude every time you have to use the restroom. I have the bladder of a 5 year old and it gets REAL old stripping down and freaking out that the door isn’t locked every time.

we could see the fireworks from every neighborhood and part of the city from their rooftop. it was amazing. hours of never-ending fireworks and food.

Such a fun weekend with my sister, but I am exhausted!

I declare that next weekend I do absolutely nothing and read a book and sip tea.

The Luckiest Girl Alive is crawling to the top of the list for what I want to read next.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: fashionista ::

July 3, 2015

I hope you all have a great weekend celebrating the 4th of July!

My sister is in town to celebrate, and we’re off to paint the town red,

but I had to stop in to say I told ya so!

I was scrolling instagram yesterday and saw Blair of Atlantic-Pacific in the skirt I had blogged about last week for the perfect summer wedding outfit!