TheSarcasticBlonde, Author at The Sarcastic Blonde

Italy, Lifestyle

:: I’m back!! ::

October 5, 2015

I know you’ve all been thinking
‘where the hell did she go?’
‘did she stay in Italy and never return?’

I WISH.

just hitting workers whilst throwing coins in the Trevi Fountain.

just because it was under construction didnt stop us from making wishes.

But my husband wouldn’t let me stay.

he said we had these things called “jobs” and “lives” and I was thinking,

ugh whatever.

I particularly wish we could have stayed in our room in Positano for the rest of our lives.

Anyways, my apologies for the 2 week lack of blogging after the initial italy 2 week lack of blogging.

~~but in reality sorry I’m not sorry it was the best lazy 2 weeks after a lazy 2 week vacation ever.~~

we got back from Italy two weeks ago and it has been a whirlwind. every day I came home from work and I crashed while adjusting back to the time change, then my family was in town for a wedding our first weekend back, and then blah-de-blah-de-blah.

plus, not going to lie, obviously I’m extremely depressed the trip is over and it was hard coming back to reality,

even with a DVR filled to the brim with Bravo shows awaiting me.

I spent two weeks in Italy without TV and didn’t even care to watch TV when I got back.

I meannnnnn Italy changed me. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I have so much to share about our trip : packing lists, restaurants, tips, photos, etc.

We still have so many photos to go through,

so I’ll share city by city guides in the coming weeks!

And truly thank you all so much for all of your help in the planning of our trip – it wouldn’t have been half as great without all of your advice and recommendations !

there are really exciting things to look forward to.

like, the best photographs you’ve ever seen.

I know insane photography is what you have come to expect from this blog.

for example, pictures of me jumping in the Boboli Gardens in Florence

see how we beautifully captured the gardens and our experience?

or me sweating my ass off in Rome in 96 degree heat in hour 3 of our guided tour when I have to say to Paparazzi Kip “Seriously why is this when you get photo happy? these pictures are going NO WHERE I look like I just jumped in a swimming pool of my own sweat”

I KNOW. the suspense of my trip recap and what is to come is KILLING YOU with excitement.

I have lots of beautiful architectural photos (like 300 of all the quatrefoils I couldn’t get enough of) that are super dark and you can’t even tell I’m standing in.

ANYWAYS, I digress…….

good lord did you miss my rambling?

I almost thought I was sane for the last month until I started typing on this damn computer.

I’m excited to be back to blogging and have some fall fashion posts, home updates (WE GOT A NEW BED. HALLELUJAH) and more coming up!

and of course LOTS of TV gossip!!! I’m getting back into the swing of things at home, and by swing of things I mean doing nothing but eating and watching TV.

are you still reading? sorry about that.

peace out for now.

I’ll leave you with the final photo on our camera:

me devouring my last croissant before our 10 hour flight home.

Italy, Lifestyle

:: ITALY BOUND ::

September 4, 2015

we are off to Italy!!!

I can’t believe the day is finally here!

We fly to Newark, and then have a 6:30 PM flight from there that gets us into Venice at about 9 AM (or 2 AM our time in Chicago).

I know I need to sleep on the 8 hour flight there, but they sent an email with all of the free movies and TV shows and OH MY GOD I want to just be on a plane my whole life. It’s like a DREAM to have access to that much TV all at your fingertips.

Good thing on our 10.5 hour flight home I’m not supposed to sleep AT ALL on so that it doesn’t mess up my clock-thing-or-whatever….. so I’ll be a kid in a candy store watching 11 straight hours of TV On the way back.

I digress……

fancy fashion bloggers have recently been in Italy and it’s so funny because they basically packed all of my outfits!! How strange right!? SO if you happen to be over there the next two weeks, just look for me, I’ll basically look just like this :

thats exactly what my suticase has in it.

especially the giant hat that needs its own suitcase or seat on the plane.

I had every intention of having my packing post fully complete for today….

I even made a super sweet graphic!

loooooook. for me, this is like, WOW are you a photo shop pro?

it’s completely off center, but whatever. have a little wine and who notices.

and I even took pictures whilst packing like such a good blogger!!!

but I do not have time to upload and enter them because I’m a spaz and want to go to CVS for last minute essentials : the little mini wine bottles so that I can bring mine on the plane, chug one, and pass out until we land in Venice. I hate that airplane chardonnay (WOOF) and its like 10 dollars. No ma’am. I prefer my cheap pinot grigio mini bottles thank you very much.

side note : ramona should seriously tap into the mini-bottle-alcoholic-market.

I think she’d really have a presence there.

and GET PACKING CUBES. they are insane.

I got everything all in one carry on suitcase + this AMAZING weekend bag that I seriously have half of my trip packed in!

sole society weekender bag

ANYWAYS.

I’ll do my amazing packing post when I return,

and that way I can say stuff I didn’t need to pack and things I wish I had (like sanity, dignity, gisele’s body….. the list goes on and on)

so follow along on THE INSTAGRAM for my adventures in Italia.

ARRIVEDERCI !

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

September 3, 2015

discuss amongst ya-selves……

things are a little busy around here and even though I want to spend the next two hours googling gifs and laughing my head off, I need to pass out for one last day at work.

so todays coffee talk is short little rants with no images.

bear with me 🙂

:: big brother ::

this is THE worst season in the history of BB.

I am seriously so done. All of them are awful.

I truly can’t look at austin and the twins anymore.

well, I am team Johnny Mac and James (and I guess Meg just because she is with James) but truly the only person that has done any game playing at all is James and Vanessa is just a lunatic.

they aren’t even talking game in the pantry!! they always used to run into the pantry and whisper and do the best plotting and backstabbing there! all of these players are little betches!

austin and the girls always act like ‘oh my god how could anyone bring up my name to nominate! I can’t believe someone is saying we are a threat! i hate them’

ITS A GAME. ONLY ONE PERSON WINS THAT IS THE POINT!

AND YOU MORONS WITH NO BRAIN CELLS ARE SOMEHOW RUNNING THE JOINT!?

vanessa, we need to chat.

whatever zinc based zit cream you keep using is making me wonder if you have a mirror.

im all for zit cream as a necessity and she is taped 24 hours a day but this is different.

WE CAN SEE IT. she puts all this make up on over it and has white spots all over her face or does a full on white face (picture the opposite of a girl putting bronzer all over her face and then the rest of her body is white…. it is so confusing) and then walks around all day and goes in the confessional. she has FULL eye and face makeup so somehow she thinks we don’t see it??? please producers, someone tell her that everyone in america is staring at her zit cream all night and to save it for bedtime or BLEND IT IN and then put your make up on!

okay…. enough with that rant on vanessa…..

but then you yell at James for saying you are playing the game? I’m sorry am I missing something?

James : “am I supposed to say you aren’t playing the game?”

oh my gosh bitches really are crazy. thats all I could think watching this exchange. he must be like “seriously…. women are nuts…. what did I even say?? what is happening?”

I’M SO SICK OF HER CRYING AND MENTAL INSTANITY.

#teamjames, but really I can’t stand anyone else this is the worst season in BB history (have I said that enough yet?)

:: RHOC ::

this sex party is creeping me out.

9 million zillion things wrong with this. so nasty and disgusting.

i. can’t. stand. jim edmonds.

seriously who would marry this man?!

oh, and I’m sorry Tamra, I think you have amnesia.

you make a “fake” sex tape of you and eddie stretching and say “people think we would really make a sex tape?!”

UMMMMM you basically did the first season eddie was on the show with you when they showed you getting it on in the hot tub and I am so mad they replayed clips of it this week because it had taken years to get those images out of my mind. and to get the image of eddie with his awful mouth in edge-to-edge occlusion making sexual commentary. I just can’t.

also, just can’t with shannon. no more discussing your marriage. either make it work or walk the hell away. reality tv is not therapy and will not help in ANY way. and I like shannon so much, just, ughhhh MY GAWD stop talking about it to the world (the world being the millions of pathetic people like me who watch this show and discuss it :D)

:: bachelor in paradise ::

this show is so ridiculous, but the finale does look amazing.

I will be downloading it for the flight home, don’t you worry

(along with 9 other hours of television I’ll be missing while I’m gone. tear rolls down cheek.)

somehow Jaclyn, the drunk who has been on way too many seasons of bachelor shows and spinoffs has the most poignant things to say.

she really needs some help with her hair cut and color, but she is spot on with her commentary.

1. dont trust a 25 year old girl with a belly button ring.

2. this season is basically just all of kaitlyn’s rejects.

3. is there anyone here that isn’t an unemployed personal trainer, and additionally and unenemployed personal trainer who is a single father?

PAH – REACH. JACLYN.

I guess sometimes its really the ones who drink their brains out that somehow have the most brain cells on these shows. remember her and ed just getting annihilated drunk every day on bachelor pad?

oh, and I’m sorry, one last comment.

Jared doesn’t even have enough balls

(I wanted to be a lady and say “cahonies” but I can’t figure out how to actually spell it???)

this gif required no googling so it stays.

so he doesn’t have enough balls to break up with Ashley I 97 times when he clearly has ZERO interest in her; quit acting like he is going to sleep with her and “take her viriginity”.

THIS SHOW IS SO STUPID WHY DO I WASTE MY TIME?

some links for some gossip since I don’t have a ton :

the center of arguably the most dramatic real housewives fight ever, danielle stab, the original PROSTITUTION WHORE is engaged to a navy seal. come again? (link)
obnoxious Brandi comments on Kims sobriety, Yolandas health, and Kristin’s husband on Ashley Madison (link)
if you have been reading for longer than 4 weeks, you know I LOVE me some old lady reality tv DANCING WITH THE STARS. love. obsessed. love. the new cast announced and I can’t waittttt! (link)
apparently there is all sorts of drama surround T Swift’s new music video, but I loved it and love anything involving locking lips with Scott Eastwood (link)
when can I start streaming all episodes of Celebrity Big Brother in England, because Janice Dickenson alone is enough to make me want to watch (link)
I meannnn I know Janet Jackson can where whatever the hell she wants, but WTF are these pants girl (link)

:: mazel of the week ::

betches love this did an incredible post about beauty lessons to be learned from the ladies of bachelor in paradise. go read it here and thank me later.

(use the little arrow thingy to go from girl to scroll- that helpful tip is for you nance pants, because I can already tell by looking at the webpage that you will try to scroll and not see the little arrow to go to the next girl. not judging. they need to make those little pink arrows bigger)

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: wishlist wednesday ::

September 2, 2015

lusts for the week……..

with all of the packing lists and packing posts I have read,

I know that scarves are the cheapest way to transform an outfit and take up as little space as possible.

plus, they are just my favorite things ever for fall.

if you are stealing dress season from me you gotta give me something!

:: mini tie geometric print ::

:: floral scarf ::

:: palm print infinity scarf

:: leopard scarf ::

:: paisley and polka dot scarf ::

:: sparkle stripe pom scarf ::

:: paisley and fringe scarf ::

for our Italy trip,

I have three scarves that I am packing that are a more neutral than these so that they can go with all eleven of my dresses, plus and my tops and jeans. (eleven. all in a carry on. I’m a packing pro at this point)

For neutrals, I am bringing this cream infinity scarf with pom detail

and this white tassel scarf, both on sale for around $15-20.

I am also bringing a striped blue scarf I got during the J. McLaughlin sale that they no longer have online.

I’ll likely throw a floral one in there too or wear it on the plane, just for shits and giggles to see just how much luggage I can carry on my own body, and then brag about only using a carry on for eternity until the day I die. and any time my husband says I’ve overpacked or make him carry anything heavy I’ll be like “REMEMBER THAT TIME I PACKED IN A CARRY ON FOR 15 DAYS IN ITALY?? THATS WHAT I THOUGHT. RESPECT!”
is that annoying? no, I didn’t think so either.

see video of jenna marbles packing to see how I would PREFER to be packing.

fashion, Lifestyle

:: new fangled ways to shop ::

September 1, 2015

online shopping is one of the greatest gifts technology has given us.

however, sometimes the free shipping + free returns leads to more purchases than we would make in real life (as in, if not sitting on ass with cocktail in hand)

sloooooowly close the computer. and walk away.

now, there are ways to save while getting your clothes sent to your house for free!

Whaaaat?!

online shopping just got even better!

during one of my many nights when I should have been sleeping but was instead perusing the interwebs, I came across a website called TRY.

with the invention of online shopping soon came the creation of free shipping and free returns, and online shopping habits got even worse. If it was free shipping and free returns, why wouldn’t I order two sizes of something to try and then send back whatever doesn’t fit?

however….. with that luxury comes the pain in the ass of waiting for the return to be processed and the money to get put back into your bank account. (this is especially true when there are big semi annual sales like at nordstrom or shopbop and more massive quantities of things may be purchased).

Now, with try.com it has made it where you literally don’t ever need to leave the home to shop again 🙂

netflix + wine + pajamas + online shopping lovers rejoice!

here is how it works (taken from their website because I’m lazy and they explain their own product better than I could)

Try.com makes it incredibly easy to try clothes from online stores at home. Now, instead of having to buy clothes up front, you can try them at home for free. You get 10 days from when you receive your clothes to decide what you want to keep or return. You only get charged for the clothes you decide to keep. All packages ship with a free pre-paid return label. There is no additional cost for using Try.com, you always pay the same price as you see on the retailer’s website, and it’s always Free Shipping and Free Returns.

sign. me. up!

seriously though, when I order 5 things and return 4 or 5 of them, waiting for the return to go back into my account is the most annoying part 🙂 this will be life changing.

#whitegirlproblems

Lifestyle, weekend recap

:: weekend recap ::

August 31, 2015

image

we had a super busy weekend for our last weekend before we depart for our big trip!

it’s the final countdown…… 4 days until we leave for Italy!

we went to the billy joel concert at wrigley on thursday and it was incredible!

(amy schumer and jennifer lawrence even made an appearance, dancing on the piano to uptown girl and recreating her train wreck dance)

we had a double date with our besties at one of our favorite neighborhood spots, crosby’s kitchen

my friend had the genius idea to have us do a prosecco tasting with costco brand and a nice brand.

we were convinced we would choose the kirkland prosecco, and unfortunately we liked the more expensive one better. damn. oh well. I’ll still drink anything I don’t care.

we went to Indianapolis for a friends wedding and had an incredible time; still exhausted but very worth it.

I ended up ordering the red dress I had posted about in the past (ignore lack of makeup and greasy hair I was sending pics to my mom to ask her opinion). its a gorgeous color in person and the detailing is so pretty.

:: red lace dress ::

sizing tip : order down a size, the S was baggy and not flattering so the XS fit much better

I am working on a packing post and also will be sure to post my giant compilation of all the advice/tips/suggestions from all of you!

this is the bag I am using for my carry-on, and then I am only packing a carry on suitcase for the whole 15 days. I test packed this weekend and surprisingly I am able to fit everything thanks to my serious research, and this carry on is half the reason. this bag fits EVERYTHING. it is like mary poppins. I can fit three pairs of shoes in the bottom zipper compartment. its unreal.