coffee talk

discuss amongst ya-selves……

RHOOC:

I have to be honest….I’m really liking Shannon.

one minute you’re like “what??!!!”
but then the next minute she does something great
like enjoy a nice stiff drink, tell her kids no way in hell are they getting cell phone, and tell her husband to shove it when he suggests a boob job like the ass that all men are….. and my heart just goes pitter patter for her.

she is so neurotic, but not in the “I want to scream you’re so obnoxious” way that Vicki is.
all of the grammar correcting during the christmas decorating was music to my ears.
It was painful to see her and her husband at the st regis though.
note to women on reality tv: it’s a recipe for ~~disaster~~ divorce venting all of your marital woes every week.

note to me: marriage seems to mean a lot more drinking??? added bonus!

The ugly christmas sweater party opens with the greatest thing ever:
a very pregnant woman in a midriff baring ornament crop top.
there are never photos online of the greatest parts of these episodes.
IT WAS AMAZING.
and how did heather and terry beat that for best outfit ?
pregnant girl was robbed. ROBBED!!!!!

tamra would not stop bitching about how horrible an ugly sweater theme party was.

what the hell is the big deal with an ugly sweater party? is it not fun? do rich people not enjoy dressing like idiots and commenting on everyones ugly outfit while drinking? because I freakin LOVE. IT.
it’s one of the top 5 reasons christmas is the most wonderful time of the year.

but more importantly, tamra is pure white trash, so why does she act like these weren’t things she did as a child/regular clothing for her growing up?

you are fooling no one potty mouth… and I’m with heather on this one — you truly do need a dictionary and a thesaurus.

eddie is pretty proud of himself for wearing the sweater that he wore in high school!!!!!!
it’s like a real sweater that fits and looks normal, and he’s buff in it!!!!!!
oh wait….
no one gives a crap, bill cosby.

he really loves himself…. and he has the same edge-to-edge bite as…..
KANYE
they are brothers from another mother: ego for days + poor occlusion

seriously.
am I the only one that sees this?

vicki unleashes her raging insecurities by being a bitch to the pretty and nice new girl.

hey vicki….. if you’re going to hate on women with big boobs and big lips and assume she is a dumb idiot because of it

THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU PAY SO MUCH MONEY FOR HORRIBLE HORRIFIC PLASTIC SURGERY TO HAVE THOSE THINGS????

that makes you the dumb bitch.

and don’t even get me started on her and brooks.

vicki at dinner with people sitting seriously right next to her:
to brooks: “are you a good boy…. are you being a good boy?”

I literally screamed in my living room.

I can’t even handle their nasty pillow talk over dinner…. I’m not going to be able to handle the rest of this season based on what they do in the previews

heather is episode by episode taking over as head bitch of the season

I mean…. saying that Shannon was being crazy and scary at dinner???
heather looked delusional. way to make A CHAIR a dramatic argument that you continued to not let end.
save it for Malibu Country heather.

the thing that really makes no sense is that they were fighting over the chair sitting next to vicki?

the real crazy one is heather…..

first sign that this season she is going downhill fast in the sanity department:

she having a hoedown?

RHONY:
There’s so much bitching about Ramona I’d love to do but there isn’t enough time in the world…..
but I think she may be more certifiably insane than Sonja AND Aviva.

First of all, I love the Berkshires. Take me there.
Everything about their trip looked amazing… like summer camp for grownups but better and with booze.

ramona about the house the second she sees it: “is this the garage?”

ramona about inside the house: “there’s no ac?? I ordered an ac unit for our room”

ramona when anyone puts water on the damn bitch: throws glass of wine in your face and busts your lip open, then acts like you are the one who did something wrong, and does not apologize but chastises you for provoking her.

really ramona????? REALLY?????
bitch is crazy.

if ramona cares so much about her damn hair, she should really invest in a brazilian keratin treatment.

or a kick ass wig, ala kim zolciak.

because seriously…. your hair is not something to continue to draw more attention too.
maybe those crazy eyes need glasses to see the frizzy hot mess or something.

exhibit A

exhibit B

right when you start to maybe feel some sympathy for the crazy pants, ramona acts like she’s in the middle of the blair witch project or something in the woods and has flashbacks to her backyard….. when in reality she just hears the propeller of her PJ arriving to whisk her to the hamptons ~~and her cheating ass husband~~.

cough :: her hair :: exhibit C :: cough

the best part about these last two berkshires episodes?

NO AVIVA

REJOICE REJOICE!

seriously what the hell doe she have to say that can fill a book?

UMMMMMM this solange and jay-z stuff is unreal.

solange beat the crap out of Jay-Z in an elevator and now they are doing all these deleting and uploading of pictures on instagram.
I will not make the ’99 problems and solanage is one’ joke… good god. did anyone on TV not say that???

who the hell cares about the instagram stuff…. this video is NUTS.
TMZ has the full version it is never-ending!
and beyonce seriously just stands there as if NOTHING is going on.

victorias secret is having a difficult time selling its sports bras.

they thought “sexy” was the look everyone was going for at the gym.

omg she totally stole my gym pose!!!!

“minimal coverage” sports bras are what everyone wants when they are running right?!

I’m assuming the overstock will go on sale soon, and I look forward to purchasing the “minimal” coverage to make my boobs look triple the size while I walk on the treadmill at a heart palpitating rate of 3.0.

the opposite of what I did when I was younger….

no, but seriously: where was this when I was high school and college???
I bought sports bras not because I needed them
because nothing moves when nothing is there
but to pull and tuck my nonexistent AA’s because sports bras were so tight I could make it look like I had boobs if I finagled everything correctly.
come on…. flat girls….. don’t tell me I’m the only one that did this in the mirror and was amazed how big I could make them look if I didn’t move!!??

and I may or may not still do it and be like “LOOK HOW BIG THEY LOOK?”
so basically I’m running to victorias secret to buy all these sports bras that no sane human wants.

my mazel of the week goes to the show married to medicine.

never watched the damn show, but they certainly play a lot of commercials that I catch the tail end of during my fast-forwarding.

this line was repeated about 97 times this week, and I loved it.

it almost made me want to watch. almost.

but the people of The Peoples Couch – aka my best friends and soul mates – watched it for me.

So to whoever this chick is….. thank you for your chair-e-yacht line and the amazing pronunciation. it was a commercial I actually didn’t mind seeing every damn 10 minutes.

Comments

He Said, She Said says: May 15, 2014 at 11:51 pm

Oh my god sister, you are the funniest girl on the planet. You say EXACTLY everything that goes through my head while watching these shows. I literally laugh out loud at least three times each time I read a Coffee Talk. Which I'm sure Carlton would find completely inappropriate…sigh…;)
Kim Santos says: May 16, 2014 at 1:20 am

You are so so funny!!! I laugh out loud every time you have Coffee Talk. Someone as sarcastic as I am, oh how I wish you lived closer! (Nevada)!! I love your blog, keep up the good work!!!