:: COFFEE TALK ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

:: THE BACHELOR ::

GROUP DATE :
let’s get 12 girls who have probably never placed soccer every and just spent hours doing their hair and make-up to play soccer and then send 6 losers home with no real date!! great idea!!

I really, really, really like this blonde girl with the KILLER HAIR who says “I have zero ball handling skills”

ONE on ONE date w JUBILEE:

jubilee is super awkward.

so awkward.

can’t. handle. it. awkward.

‘this isn’t a hot dog? this tastes like s#!+’

…… and I really didn’t think this show could step it up from a sob story about either a mom/dad but with her, they took to a whole new level. she tells him she is the only person alive in her family. and then it’s date-rose time and DUN-DUN-DUN the rose goes to Jubilee.

(horrible about her family – awful awful awful – but seriously chris harrison ain’t lying….. this show every year gets more “dramatic” ….. sorry girls with one parent who has passed away, no one on one date for you! that’s not enough!)

I really liked Caila so far, but then she was sobbing hysterically to the other cute girl JoJo who still seems normal….. um….

have you seen this show before? Did you not know this was how the dating situation worked? Did someone slip something in your drink?
LOCK IT UP CAILA. LOCK IT UP.

if Olivia ever tries to act like its editing making her look like the villain of the season, tonight cleared all of that up.

Ben walks in to the rose ceremony and announces that he just found out that 2 close family friends passed away in a plane crash.

IMMEDIATELY when he finishes talking, Olivia grabs him to share her own important emotionally crippling news.

that she has cankles.

and she cries about it.

and uses the words “uh, I always try to be so strong” whilst starting to cry about the “blogs that have been written” about her cankles.

heres a clip of it for those of you that missed this gem!

WOAH. SHOCKER of the week. Lace sends herself home!!

this is a twist I never saw coming!! Lace leaves to work on loving herself! herself mainly because it makes me think Lace has some brains and doesn’t want to embarrass herself on national TV with all of this nonsense….. but then she quotes her own tattoo and I’m like eeerrrmmmm maybe not.

I speak for America when I say we’ll miss you Lace.

thank GAWD we still have Olivia to be a lunatic.

:: RHOBH ::

can all of you PLEASE stop talking about Kim to Kyle?
you are at KYLE’s event! at HER store!

it’s her special day!

GOOD LORD JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTHS ABOUT KIM IN FRONT OF HER FOR 5 SECONDS!

LVP still makes me INSANE.

preach kim richards preach!

and WHY THE HELL IS KEN SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE WITH ALL OF THE WOMEN AND SPENDING ALL DAMN DAY WITH THEM.

and he starts getting bitchy and lippy with Eileen immediately too – NO ONE WAS TALKING TO YOU KEN.

I.CAN.NOT.
GO. AWAY. you are ALWAYS there.
go find your own freaking friends for goodness sake!

Erica is still a goddess and I love her.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

get ready for what I say every week

OHHHHHH me gosh this show and these people are SO MESSED UP and I CAN’T DIVERT MY EYES FROM THE CAR CRASH.
even the two second clips they show from when the camera crew wasn’t even really filming and it was personal cameras, like lala and james humping each other on the airplane, I want to vomit in my mouth! who acts like this! especially with JAMES.

I just feel really sad for these two. I do not understand.

and I really don’t understand, yet find it hilarious, that Tom gets that excited and talks THAT MUCH to his own fiance about seeing a girls boobs.

but then I circle back to why I feel sad for those two, and I guess why seeing boobs is a big deal for a 30+ year old man.

like, seriously, I’m laughing so hard – even in this photo you can see that he is SO EXCITED.

(other tom looks like he’s thinking “oh shoot copy him!!! stare and play with my hair to keep up the act that I am actually interested in women!!!)

jax continues to BOGGLE MY MIND.

the level of pathological lying and complete and utter care for anyone elses emotions is INSANE.

he KNOWS he is wearing a microphone and on film when he says things, he KNOWS its going to air on television and people will see it, and he STILL thinks he can deny it.

and then he’s on WWHL and still trying to deny it slash act like its a different situation and deflect to something else.

HE IS TERRIFYING.

and more terrifying is brittany. what is wrong with YOU for dating him!!??

and to add to the 587 page list of things wrong with him, HE WEARS HEADBANDS.

ALSO, MOST TERRIFYING :

what is this about not being able to drink legally on the beach in Hawaii?

Note to self: it’s OKAY that you haven’t made it to Hawaii….. move it on down the bucket list……

fly 10 hours to not be able to even have a cocktail on the beach? huh? this has to just be limited to where these low lifes are staying because that makes NO sense.
(I just said ‘these low lifes’…… I am turning in to my mother….)

:: GIRLFRIENDS GUIDE TO DIVORCE ::

get ready for what I say EVERY WEEK.

this show is amazing, I love all of these characters.

who knew Bravo could come up with a show that has such a great mix of female friendship, love, sex, humor, sadness, ALL OF IT.

I feel all of the feels when I watch this show. and I want to be BFF with all four of them.

you know who I totally forgot about and my mother-nance-pants reminded me of?

Janeane Garafalo! Remember she was the random friend who stole her kids and ran away in the middle of the night!? Never to be heard from again!?

And they just hoped we’d forget or something?

Well done Bravo, you can read me like a book, because I completely forgot she even existed.

Jo is such a better character. Love.

and I won’t ruin anything for those not caught up, but they seriously have a cliff hanger for each episode this week I was like NO NO NO NO!!!!!

:: NEWLYWEDS THE FIRST YEAR ::
oh my goodness are any of you watching this season?
oh my. so many things, but these two.

week after week the more I learn the more my face is that emoji with the giant unblinking eyes.
and the couple with the husband that slept with 14 hookers in brazil and has a polygamist dad?! you read that correctly. YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT STUFF UP.

:: mazel of the week ::
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it goes to lala.
specifically, to lala’s breast implants.
if you’ve been reading for awhile you know I have a bit of boobsession.

I meannnnnn that rank up there with the best of ’em for being small and normal and completely natural looking!
everything else with lala I’ll pass on, but I know how to compliment a lady where a compliment is due!!!
and I really did google a bunch of combinations of things to find a more acceptable picture but SORRY IM NOT SORRY this is all I saw in google images to get the point across. it’s not like I’m appropriate with other stuff anyways…… and pasties make it totally acceptable, right? right!

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

Comments

Natalie {Designer Bags and Dirty Diapers} says: January 21, 2016 at 1:47 pm

I am so obsessed with the girlfriends guide to divorce. I love every character and oh my gosh I forgot about Jeanne running away!! I need to catch up on this week's episode. Jubilee is so cray cray and like Ben would ever pick her. and is it me or Ben just kind of boring???
Jenny B says: January 21, 2016 at 6:48 pm

I just want to say that I never watched the people's couch because the whole idea seemed so dumb – even though you said it was hilarious, I just didn't believe it. I finally started to watch it and it is now my all time favorite show!! I love them all and am desperately trying to figure out how to watch the old seasons!! HILARIOUS!!!
Katie Larsen says: January 21, 2016 at 8:42 pm

Hilarious as usual 🙂 please tell me you saw this?!?
http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/olivia-caridis-glamour-shots-revealed-plus-watch-her-cankles-confession-w162176
Alexandra Bee Blog says: January 26, 2016 at 3:11 am

Just caught up on The Bachelor….what was with Jubilee's massage station, too!? Gahhh…crazy!

And the cankles…I want to look her up and find those "blogs" and evidence of her news anchor status!