DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

Long time no (Coffee) talk, ladies!
I’ve brought two more future bravo-loving ladies into the world since we last discussed amongst ourselves!
I hope you all have been enjoying this wonderful season in life….. this season that my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen has gifted upon us….. with New York and Beverly Hills on back to back nights, Summer House (although not at it’s best) kicking off our Mondays, the Vanderpump kids still being drunk slobs even as they push 40, Mexican Dynasties doing I don’t even know what but I love it, Million Dollar Listing LA to illicit some home envy, and a return of Project Runway to sprinkle in some FASHUN and have a break from the drama (sometimes….)
Oh Bravo.  You have bestowed such a gift upon me as I was trapped in a hospital bed, then confined to my home on bed rest, and now will have minimal socialization with people on the “outside” yet again.  I’m eternally blessed for a never ending lineup of stellar television to keep me company during this season of my life.

Just a heads up.  You know these are always littered with grammatical errors? And how I swap from past tense to present tense to who knows what tense because I write it in bits and pieces throughout the week and at night half asleep?
WELP…. consider my previous Coffee Talks the work of a literary genius and BUCKLE UP.  This will likely not even be English as I attempt this with two new babies at home.

:: RHONY :: 

Ah, New York.  It’s just always the best.  Hands down.  It always delivers.
I will be all over the place with this so I am going to attempt to discuss on a lady by lady basis.
Tinz : Tinz discussing all of this TMJ botox stuff just makes me think “Girlfriend…. have you seen Bethenny’s jaw from when we started this Housewives journey and where it is now? The only botox jaw story line we care about is Bethenny’s, your jaw is a childs size compared to hers.”

DALE HAS AN INTERVIEW CONFESSIONAL.  She is one step closer to being a Housewife!
have you missed my pictures of the TV when I can’t find the photo online? me too. 

Her lewk is gorgeous.  Red dress with a tie-neck-bow and a beautiful broach.  Perfection.
I’m with Ramona and the ladies on the Scott situation – what man shows a ring and then doesn’t deliver? Huh?

Bethenny : Uh.  The Dennis stuff.  It’s just so, so awful.  I can’t believe she has to start filming immediately after this happened.  Bethenny is such a damaged person when it comes to men (not making opinions its really a fact, she talks about it in her book and always did in her Ever After show, this show, etc) and this really takes it to a whole new level.  I feel terrible for her.
I am shocked to learn she is already dating somebody!
What happened to Bethenny’s adorable therapist I loved so much on Bethenny Ever After? I feel betrayed…..

Ramona: Is Ramona capable of not wearing skin tight clothing?  And of not shoving her breast implants out in all directions? Even in a workout tank she somehow has side boob.  How does one go about this? Only Ramona.
Her commenting on Dennis’ passing the way she did with the drug addict comments is so horrible and SO RAMONA.

Her blind date last week was a true shining moment.
I loved her commentary in her confessional for what she wants in a man juxtaposed with footage from the date where the man is the complete OPPOSITE of anything she wants.  Married (engaged 8 times, never married) Likes to be social (bought a house in the middle of nowhere for complete isolation).  Just too good.   OH, and of course the BOOBS that have to be out and about at all times (how very Dorit of you……)

Is Ramona capable of not going nuts on any trip about rooms and who is going to be her servant carry her luggage? Only Ramona.

Sonja : I almost forgot to discuss Miss Morgan because she was a low key player this week, but Sonja is as reliable as always to bring her insanity season after season.  I cannot wait to see what she does next week in the Bezerkshires but the previews looked amazing.  I also wish I had just duck-taped some towels in the nursery instead of installing some plantation shutters…. seems like a much more affordable alternative.
And I totally thought she was making out with LuAnn’s daughter last week.

Dorinda:  Dorinda’s being a real betch this season.  You can’t even admit to heckling JOVANI during the Cabaret?! Come on! Don’t be an LVP, just cop to SOMETHING!
But then she goes and puts up with all of the women being complete childish asses about what room they are staying in and making Berkshire requests and she’s so nice and patient again?! She confuses me…..
Meeting her realtor was an AH-mazing moment last week.
I love her house in the Berkshires but hollllllly moly.  I need Blue Stone Manor on Christmas not on Halloween.  And I’m sorry, but this decoration being Bethenny’s twin was the funniest thing ever.

LuAnn : Asking for Dorinda to arrange yoga for her and then for a massage for you the next morning? My gawd. The nerve.  ONLY LU.  These women.  I swear.  Lu is just as bad as Romana about this damn fish room.  These women are SO RUDE.   Two seasons ago it was because she was THE BRIDE that she expected the nice room, then she expected the royal treatment because she was getting divorced or had gone to prison, etc.  LuAnn…. you may be a “Countess” (Kind of? Sort of?!) but you are no princess, especially in the eyes of these ladies.  Sleep with the damn shark on the wall – if seeing a fish on a wall is going to drive you to drink you need some serious help!

Babs : I know Barbara is a builder and not a designer, but I just assume you have to have some kind of level of taste in interiors if you’re able to design beautiful homes.  I mean… YOWZA her house was about as hideous as it can get.

:: Summer House ::

This season is just so lackluster.  I would rather watch a full hour of just drunk Kyle slurring his words and eating potato chips and filling a jello shot machine than what most of this season has contributed.

I miss the Werkus Circus and Stephen, and not because I actually miss the Werkus Circus and Stephen, but because at least they gave a full group environment where things were going on and Kyle could be his hilarious self.  Kyle alone cannot carry the team here people! You 25 year olds working for Betches are NOT CUTTING IT.

Lindsay and Danielle are total mean girls.
I’m ALL FOR the seventeen page letter from Kyle reaming them a new one.  God Bless Kyle.  This show is NOTHING without Kyle, and they are nothing without this show, so those girls need to LOCK IT UP.
And don’t even get me started on how pathetic Danielle is going after Jordan.

AND for REAL ….. JORDAN…… I cannot. I truly, truly cannot.
He is so full of BS and episode after episode it just kept getting better (worse?) with him spewing his made up stories about what a ladies man he is.
OH.  And I heard on a podcast (Bitch Sesh I believe?!) that Jordan managed the entire sales account for Hinge…. and then was named most eligible Bachelor on Hinge.  It all makes sense to me now.  Sure, he has a bod for days, and maybe his looks are other peoples cup of tea, but that boy opens his mouth for 2 seconds and there is NOTHING remotely sexually attractive about him in the least. I’ll have to stop there because I have nothing nice to say about this kid and should stop myself now (but I got lots of messages on instagram from people who went to college with him saying all the things I’m thinking…….)
K….. I digress…..
Carl needs to put on some pants from a mens clothing store instead of wherever he is finding these white shorts and jeans.
And Paige is just about the cutest thing and I enjoy her confessional commentary, but as a whole this season is just so meh.

:: RHOBH :: 

Bless Denise Richards for joining this cast. Her “I don’t give a damn attitude” (although she really would use the F word in that sentence wouldn’t she?) is such a nice change from all the nonsense with these ladies. I love her sense of humor about everything.  I love her lack of BH fashion and make-up.  Hated her wedding dress, but love her.

Whenever I want to complain about this season revolving around Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy, I remember that we already kicked the season off with a trip to the Bahamas and now we have an explosion with the OG’s Kyle and Lisa.

The latest Lucy nonsense is the leaked article to Radar Online, who is known to have a relationship with Lisa aka who Lisa leaks stories to.  Plus, there are British words littered throughout the article that no American uses.  Correction: Dorit, the woman who became a Brit faster than even Madonna when she met PEE-KAY, would totally use them but no way would Dorit leak this to the press.

And then Lisa goes and gives an article to another news source saying it’s not true and definding Dorit, but all of this without EVER saying a single word to Dorit about it.
ALSO.
There is a charity spin ride for Vanderpump Dogs that not only does no one from VD attend, but then she throws a completely separate party at the exact same time at Vanderpump Dogs?
It’s THIS CRAP that she does, over and over again.

The ladies at the spin class go to brunch and talk about her the entire meal.
A highlight was Dorit talking about her “sabotager” and Erika correcting her to “saboteur”.  Slow clap for Erika.
Afterwards,  Kyle goes and tries to talk to Lisa (well… and Ken…. that mans always around isn’t he?) and let her know what was said at lunch and letting them know how it looked and they won’t even let her finish her sentences.  Then Ken screams at Kyle and gets right in her face with his damn finger.

And I swear no one ignites a fire in me like that damn Ken Todd.  What man thinks it’s okay to do this?! Remember when he grabbed Yolanda’s arm and called her stupid?

Kyle tried and tried to stop the argument and make it a conversation, but they wouldn’t have it because Kyle said she could see how what the women were thinking could be true.  He screams bloody murder at Kyle to get out of the house and poor little thing runs off through the glass doors with a dog following behind her.   (if only the swans had lunged for her at that exit it would have been TV perfection.)

The thing with Lisa is this : All of this could easily have been scrapped about 17 times now.  But she never lets things go, never apologizes, and then goes and does stuff like leaking this article and then planning an event at the same time as the event HER store is putting on with Teddi.
(And I do know that Dorit is full of BS because she should have called Lisa about the dog the day of BEFORE she gave her away and Teddi is full of BS for acting like she didn’t do anything for a few weeks and then finally admitting a small part but blaming it on LVP manipulating her.) 

SO. Where are we all standing on The People versus LVP Drama now that we are this many episodes in? I did a poll on instagram to ask you all, because at episode 1-2 when I was still Team The People it seemed like some were still Team LVP.  Today it seems like more have come over to team The People and only 20% voted Team LVP.  It’s not that I don’t like LVP in general (Ken not included in that), it’s just that she really is incapable of apologizing for AN-EE-THING.

Vanderpump Rules

Most importantly : Scheana is STILL wearing that 1980’s red power suit jacket with greasy porn star hair, horrid lipstick, and huge silver hoops in her confessionals.  So….. there’s that…….

like…..no.  no than you.
In Scheana updates, here are her conversations :
She’s sleeping with Adam.  Her and Adam are BFF but they’re sleeping together.  Did you hear she is sleeping with Adam? They aren’t dating but she spends every moment talking about him.  They’re having sex…. her and Adam…. in case you didn’t know?
And then she gets furious when he doesn’t like and comment on her instagram posts.
So Scheana has come a long way from her self-centered shallow narcissistic ways.

The focus has turned to Kristin and I personally don’t give a damn.  Although I did enjoy her giving a toast to the entire table in Mexico and just saying (and by saying I mean slurring already with drunk eyes) “I’m drinking and not getting shmammered and throwing a drink in someones face….”.

Jax is still playing the role of “I am a wonderful boyfriend and an incredible human being”.  This weeks version is he pretends he wants Brittany to be sober forever because of her GI/tummy issues? Okay Jax…. yeah.  And you’re such a caretaker.

I appreciate the funny FOMO montage they did this week, but then they followed it up with non-stop confessional moments of Kristin DOING GOD KNOW SWHT KN SPANISH

The Tom’s, especially Tom Schwartz, continue to act as though they fully created the restaurant TomTom as an equal partner.  “The bar I built is a complete success….. and I’m not even there to see it!”  Yeah because you’re drinking your ass off in Mexico in a strange red T-Shirt dress at 4 am… that is your part of the business Tom: Being a drunk almost 40 year old displaying your mess of a life on a television show.

:: MEXICAN DYNASTIES :: 
I don’t even know what to say about it except that it is the strangest show ever and yet I enjoy watching.  I don’t need to watch it regularly or the night it airs, but whenever I just want to throw something easy on it’s been a good go to.  I love the sister-brother duo so much.

:: Mazel of the Week :: 
My daughter Collins for perfectly doing this
Wendy Williams How You Doin’ pose
as I sat and worked on this post.

and Hadley for modeling Beverly Beach so well at the Pediatrician this week.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews