DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bachelor in Paradise ::

4 hours a week wasn’t enough; we needed FIVE HOURS combined on Monday and Tuesday instead.
These people are killing me slowly.

Colton breaks up with Tia… for like the 3rd time??  I am actually somewhat shocked that she is shocked.

He never seemed like he was into her EVER.  She practically begged him over and over again to date her??  They leave Paradise, and after what has felt like a year of Colton and Tia drama it is all finally over. (buttttttt we’ll be seeing far more of Colton of course…..)

Venmo John has gotten more action than anyone in the history of BIP,

and yet once the roles are reversed with who to give out roses to, no one wants anything to do with him.  How he and Chelsea made it this far is beyond me.  But good for you John…..

Erik dumps the girl he’s been dating since day one, and then the following week sends himself home in a big emotional scene.  Because that makes sense.

If I hear Annaliese talking about getting engaged and being in love one more time I am going to pull my hair out.  The BIP drinking game needs to be based upon her insanity.  This girl is the definition of a stage 5 clinger.  Isn’t this the THIRD person she has latched on to and acted like they are everything she has ever dreamed of and she’s ready to get married.  WHAT?!  What are your daddy issues because I have never seen someone fall so fast for someone that LOOKS in their direction.  She looks insane.  I felt bad for her every week constantly being portrayed as a sad, needy, desperate girl buttttttttt perhaps for once the producers are just showing it how it is.

And wow, as The Countess would say, Chelsea really broke the girl code.  What a beyotch.

Shushanna, who has the winning personality that I would assume she has, which is perhaps why she is given the “Russian Witch” moniker, is just as insane as every one else here.

Then we get berated with a half dozen BIP rejects.
First up: Ashley I (Princess Jasmine) and Jared.

They arrive to show the contestants that even if someone rejects you over and over again for 2 years, there’s a chance he will realize there is no one left and come back to and propose with a free Neil Lane ring.

Nothing screams romantic stroll on the beach more than a stiff skintight dress and 5 inch stillettos sinking into the sand with every step.

Kevin, who confirms he is the one who took her virginity by saying he played “a monumental part in her life – a big part of her dating life”, feels RULL awkward seeing the guy she dumped him for propose.  WHO CARES KEVIN.  Or as Astrid would say, it was hard to “watch them get proposed.”  MMkkk?

Then we get Carly and Evan, the couple that continues to blow my mind.  How they went from her wanting to vomit when she looked at him to engaged at the end of two weeks, and now married with a baby blows my mind.

Oh yeah, and Tanner and Jade are there too.

There’s so much more that happens but honestly who cares…..
Right? Right.

:: Colton as the New Bachelor ::
I have many a mixed feeling about the news of the new Bachelor….
I still feel like he is an opportunist… the dating Aly Raisman to then messaging/dating Tia when she was likely to be the Bachelorette and then going on the Bachelorette and being all in for Becca and then going to hang with the scum of the earth on Bachelor in Paradise….. I meannnnn…… someone seems like an attention whore to me?!
BUT if it had been Jason I would have died.
And I have put up with so much garbage over the years that this has to be a more positive experience than shmucks like….. NICK VIALL.  Ughhhh.
And at the very least, Colton is hot.  Very hot.

And we haven’t had a hot Bachelor in a LONG TIME.
Like…… since Andrew Firestone when they used to be hot
and successful and NORMAL SANE HUMAN BEINGS.
I’m sure Colton will dress like an idiot, act like an idiot, and without a doubt date a bunch of idiots, but at least he’s easy on the eyes!

:: ABC’s show to compete with This Is US :: 
Thanks to my 5 hours a week on ABC for BIP, I have seen about 10,045 commercials for their new show about a group of friends where one friend commits suicide  called A Million Little Things. I’m hesistant to think ANYTHING could compete with this is us…. but we all are obviously starved for some heartfelt, emotional TV BECAUSE WE WATCH 5 HOURS OF BACHELOR IN PARADISE A WEEK so perhaps it’ll be great and do well.

:: Lala Engaged :: 

Never thought she would end up engaged to “MY MAN” but I guess it’s true what she says about the bigger the hoops……
Her ring is INSANE.  I’m still drooling.

PS did you know that his ex wife is THIRTY YEARS OLD?!
And JUST turned 30 in JULY!? WHAT!? I am SHOOKETH.

:: RHONY :: 

The drinking word of the reunion is Narrative.  And I can barely follow a word from the get-go because we’re bak to everyone yelling over each other, mainly Carole and Bethenny.  Carole is such an idiot.  She’s busy screaming her brains out with screen shots from Brian instead of paying attention to the actual texts that Bethenny is reading.  Another moment of Andy putting Carole in her place.

Only Carole believes her own BS. Carole says SHE is the one who really really tried all season to fix the friendship and Bethenny wasn’t interested – that is such crap.
I am cracking up as my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen tries desperately to end and go to commercial but Carole and Bethenny STILL keep going back and forth…..

Sonja finally speaks! She’s rented her townhouse and is moving on up.  I had forgotten how bad it was between Sonja and Tinz and how horrible Dorinda was with screaming at Sonja in the Hamptons.  Sonja says she ran her mouth about Tinz because she went off her antidepressants as a side affect it made her unable to control what she said.  Haha I love her.

I don’t know why Dorinda gets so angry at Sonja.  She’s harmless.  And she gets attacked as if she’s some huge threatening awful person.
I appreciate Ramona’s interruption of everyone speaking at once by standing up to bang her thighs and inform us that she did a one hour spin class .
But just like that….. the drinking word turns to MARATHON and I’m ready to jab my eyeballs out.
Then Carole starts insulting her friendship with Tinsley, acting like they are just friends but nothing special.  Seriously?! So kind to the person you pretended to be BFF with all season.
She’s like “I like her.”  I mean……???
Carole says she worked at ABC News until 2001 or 2002.  Bethenny adds “17 years ago”and Carole gets defensive and starts rattling off her resume.  Bethenny may not be pointing fingers about “17 years ago” BUT I AM. IT WAS 17 YEARS AGO.  Which would be FINE and who the hell cares if only you would quit bullsh*tting that you have been working your ass off and that your resume the last 17 years has been the same as Bethenny’s.
You’re both a pain in the ass but let’s call a spade a spade.  Your resume is nothing compared to Bethenny’s the past 5, 10, or 15 years and you saying otherwise is CRAP.  We’re not all Team Bethenny – who an be just completely awful and treat people like garbage and doesn’t understand how to treat other people – we’re just Team OBVIOUS and Carole is full of CRAP.
Carole’s “huge hippocampus” must be to blame.
eye roll.  I literally cannot wait for this woman to be off of my television screen.
(I am dying laughing on Sonja’s side commentary of “I like to hug, but I have a small hippocampus? But I have a huge vagina apparently…….”)
Then we get to discussing Cartagena with the boat ride from hell.  And we can’t discuss Cartagena without immediately discussing the diarrhea and diapers.  My God……

Finally… it comes to an end…. discussing regrets…..
Bless these Bravolebrities (and my-boyfriend-andy-cohen) for another memorable season.

:: WWHL with Lu :: 
I’m dying to see WWHL with Lu to hear what she has to say after missing the reunion, but I need to shut this damn laptop.  TBD……

:: Jersey Shore ::
Why do I watch this trash? Why? WHY!?
But thank goodness because I feel like there was no TV to watch on Monday so I caught up on all on a few episodes of this.  Rahn is an idiot.  And his baby mama is psychotic.

I love that her defense for the most recent antics (spitting in his face and screaming bloody murder at him) is that “her dog had died but the producers didn’t show any of that”.  Ummm two totally separate things? Screaming about texts with Rahn and keeping your baby from him can’t really be explained away by “they didn’t show me talking about the dog”.

:: Tori Spelling RHOBH Rumors ::

Have no fear, Tori is definitely not joining the RHOBH.
HOWEVER, she has hired Teddi to be her Accountability Coach.
So perhaps she will be making a cameo?!

:: WWHL :: 
Ashlee Simpson was on with her husband Evan Ross promoting the Sunday Premiere of their E! show, and I just do not know what to expect from this reality show?  I’m not sure how I feel about him?  If he was ANYONE but Diana Ross’ son my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen would have been all annoyed with him as a guest.  (He gets so annoyed with people – sometimes being obviously rude to them and YES how dare I but YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE!)

He was so quiet, he took forever to answer anything, and he didn’t say much. Just sayin….it doesn’t seem like someone fit for an invasive reality show?!  He has the opposite personality of his sister Tracy Ellis Ross whom I LOVE!  We shall see….. I’ll obviously still DVR it to give it a chance because I’m a loser with no life that watches 5 hours of Bachelor in Paradise. 
But…. I’m glad that WWHL is finally back after hiatus.

:: Mazel of the Week :: 

Giuliana is back on E!
I love seeing her with Jason Kennedy.

Especially because I see it as a personal jab at Kelly Osborne, who I loathe, because I feel like she is the reason why she left.

:: Jackhole of the Week :: 

Who was the bigger Jackhole this week?!
The minister groping Ariana’s right breast at Aretha Franklin’s funeral

or Bill Clinton?!?
Tough call…….

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews