coffee talk

Friday, February 7, 2014

discuss amongst ya-selves…….. 

the bachelor
the opera singer is making comments almost as incredible as "I just don't want Juan Pablo to date me just because of my singing" by saying
"he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears."
um. what?
lord you are awkward. 

Clare took it up a notch (or 12) and snuck out to Juan Pablo's place and got naked in the ocean.

ABC leaves us guessing what happened there with all kinds of vague comments afterwards…. 
did they bone? or not bone? 
the whole thing was all very Small Mouth.

to those of you that understand that joke, I like you. 

Wasn't he just saying he didn't want to kiss too many girls because Camilllllaaa was watching???  (we're only halfway through the season and I've already heard enough of her name and half the other drawn out words that come out of his mouth) 
Then he makes out with everyone on the group date and bones Clare because he just can't help himself? 

Even horny Bob who slept with all 4 final women wasn't this much of a whore JP! 

I can't handle his accent anymore.

"will you assept dis rose?" 
I'm sorry, what? What was that?  Didn't catch that? 

I didn't watch The Biggest Loser at all this season but clearly the story line has been everywhere.
setting aside the fact that, yes, good lord she is skinny as freakin' hell,
riddle me this: 
They are on a TV show where the entire point is to workout every single damn day for hours and hours a day to lose as much weight as possible so that they can win hundreds of thousands of dollars.  
every moment for months is focused all on that and that only. 
Sooooo ….. ???? 
Everyone needs to simmer down.   

I'm sure it was an Oprah moment and the second she stepped off that scale she'll eat something. 


I'm not sure what made me the most uncomfortable at Lisa and Kyle's dinner party:
a. Lisa's hair.

b. the "synchronized swimmers"
c. Kevin getting in the pool with said "synchronized swimmers" 
(slash just Kevin in general.)

d. the fight between Carlton and Kyle. 

I mean….. all of it. 

It's time for another thrilling edition of 
Things That F****** Bloody B******* Disgust Carlton: 

 -- don't accuse her of doing something to you and your family, even if she threatened you the night before and said watch what happens to you tonight when you get home.
DONT act like that means anything. DON'T YOU DARE.
{ugh, she he points her finger CONSTANTLY. we get it.}

--- nipples. don't talk to her about nipples!!!! so inappropriate!! 

However, at your parties, greet guests with COMPLETELY naked girls and strippers.  
but do NOT talk about nipples. NO. 

And a DO on carlton's list: 
-- get in a bitch fight about religion with the HOST of the party who's husbands birthday it is!
-- say "Don't you Dare" whilst finger pointing and evil eying the camera man in the diary/confessional thingy.  It's all she does. 

I will be going on a detox this weekend….
I got the idea from Brandi actually.
Vodka Soda.  The clear choice for a detox.

No splash of grapefruit or anything because that entails sugar, which is a big detox no no, but vodka sodas really cleanse the body.  
well played Brandi. I should have signed up for a detox sooner. 

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  1. I can't watch the Bachelor anymore. Wait, did you say that Bob found 4 women to sleep with him?!! That's gross. I hope Carlton is not back next year.

  2. i dont even watch the bach or RHOBH and I worship these coffee talks. I am dying laughing alone right now.

  3. Once again, I'm totally with you this week. The Bachelor is driving me nuts. They totally had to have had sex, right? RIGHT!? I didn't know Bob slept with all 4 final women. What a slore.

    I haven't watched RHOBH this season, but I want to just from your recaps. Vanderpump Rules is enough trash from BH every week thoughh. And amen about BL girl. I wouldn't eat and work out all day every day for $250,000 too. I'm sure she'll even out to a normal weight once she's back to here every day routine.

  4. you are my NEW favorite blogger..simply hilarious!!

  5. I wish Carlton would just go! I really wish the other girls would admit Carlton is accusing Kyle of the most ridiculous stuff. As Kyle says "tits on an ant!" But no one will admit that Carlton is loco! They're probably scared Carlton will put a spell on them! I'm doing that same detox this weekend! ;)

  6. Your coffee talk…amaze. You stole the words out of my mouth of Lisa's hair!!! wtf???

  7. I have been on Brandi's cleanse for a while and it does not work :) For real, what is wrong with Carlton? People like that confuse the shit out of me. She does weird stuff, does not want to be judged and then judges everyone else. Craaaazy.

  8. OMG that Oprah throwback pic is insane. Girlfriend has yo-yo'ed her way through the decades though. RHOBH was ridic. Jax and Johnny in the pool + witch comment + the detox diet I've been pushing for years = amaze. Happy weekend!

  9. I have stopped recording the Bachelor it's a snooze. He totally boned Claire in the ocean and sadly I think her reputation is going to suffer for it.

  10. This round isn't "coffee talk." It's totally "vodka drama" with Brandi's nonsensical detox. I'm just glad Lisa's beehive was there to try to put her in her place. However, as we all know, Brandi is less concerned with a rat's nest of a hair, and more concerned with the rat, Scheana. TIME FOR SOME VODKA.

  11. Since none of my friends watch these amazing shows that are totally not a waste of time, I have to wait for you to discuss. My husband who is oblivious to everything showed me the BL girl….I wouldn't want to be her. I'm sure no one will notice if she gains weight. Carlton is the WORST! I kind of want to stop watching real wives because of her. She should be reassigned to the New Jersey cast based on her horrible black hair and orange skin…or Mob wives…is that a thing?

  12. I seriously want to put a muzzle on Carlton, she is the absolute worst!!!!

  13. Have you been watching 100 days of summer? I'm curious to hear your thoughts- i'm a sucker for anything on bravo!

  14. I recently came across your blog and I cannot get enough!! I love your opinions on trashy tv and your obsession for all things monogrammed!!!